Friday, June 20th, 2008

Time	Event
2:04a	It's Friday, You Bastards, Early Edition I was going to take today off but thanks to Sean Leary, I have to work today. That's not as bad as it sounds, though, because I'm not talking about my regular job, I'm talking about not writing and not writing is work but it's much more enjoyable. And the reason that it's Sean's fault is because yesterday he wrote this hard hitting investigative story about the alien invasion going on here in the Quad Cities right now (http://snipurl.com/2lkgk) that solved a problem I've been grappling with since 1971. Oh, I already knew about the alien invasion. I'm a greeting cards salesman and dealing with aliens is part of my job description...because they might be bringing greeting cards in from their home planets and that makes their business my business. I'm not allowed to talk about it though, except when I call it fiction. That's why I don't write a lot of science fiction. Now, to get back to this problem that has been plaguing me since 1971 that Sean solved last night, it can be summed up in two words: Cold Turkey. If you were around in 1971 and/or are just a fan of old movies, you might recall that Cold Turkey is a film about a small town in Iowa that gives up smoking for 30 days to win a lot of money. It's extremely funny and stars Dick Van Dyke, Pippa Scott, Bob Newhart and a host of other very funny people including Bob And Ray and Ronald Reagan and Richard Nixon. And my problem is that I've always thought that there should be another really funny film set in Iowa (And since then, there has been Field Of Dreams and The Bridges Of Madison County and they were kind of funny but not funny enough) but I never knew exactly what it should be. That is, I never knew until yesterday, when Sean handed it to me on a silver platter. So now I'm going to not write a novel about the Quad Cities being invaded by bugs---insectoid aliens, if you want to get technical with the definition. And I'm going to sell it as a package deal with the movie rights, which I might also direct. And then all I have to do is promote it. And that's tricky, because while I'm calling the work fiction, it's all tied up with what I actually do. There's one saving grace there, though, because while I'm not allowed to talk about any of the work I do, under normal circumstances, there is another loophole in all those secrecy agreements I'm bound by. It's called Coast To Coast AM. In the words of my boss, Miss Big, "Only delusional freaks, fools and con men do Coast and no one takes it seriously so go do it. You'll fit right in." So, to be safe, I can't talk to Jay or Dave but I can talk all I want to Art, George and Ian. OK, I have to go now. I have a novel to not write and then I have to turn it into a script. I'm gonna be busy till after lunch. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM----Art Bell, WOC AM 1420 (Comment on this)
3:37p	It's Friday, You Bastards *************** Author's Note: Just another first draft. Not worth reading. Except for you, Goldilocks, North Star and Morning Glory...because I know how much you guys like rough first drafts. *************** Today was pretty good. Even for a Friday. Even though a lot of you would say that it wasn't so good and I don't understand that but I'm down with it, anyway. The same upbeat always positive outlook that is my personality prevents me from branding you a Psychic Vampire and shunning you as many others would because you have to be you just as I have to be and I understand that I have no right to demand perfection from you just because I'm perfect. But, if I weren't perfect, I would be all over you imperfect noisy negativists. Starting with my agent, Drusilla. She's claiming that I cost her five million dollars today. This is a really short story, so let me start at the beginning. I went to work this morning and didn't write an entire novel and then wrote a script based on the novel for the movie. Not bad, huh? OK, it did take seven hours but I wanted it to be just right because this wasn't just another book, it was the fulfillment of a lifelong dream: To create a really funny movie set in Iowa ala Cold Turkey---and the sadistic bloodsuckers who did it already took the whole, "Entire town quits smoking," idea, so I had to start from scratch. And yes, if you want to get real technical about the time line, I've been working on it since 1971, so you COULD say that I was working on this for 37 years and seven hours but you WON'T say that because I've already heard it enough this afternoon. And you might also say that I didn't start from scratch because I based the whole thing on a news story that Sean Leary did yesterday (See my last entry for the link). But if you said that, you would just be wasting your breath because Dru has already said it and needless repetition is beneath you. Besides that, it isn't even true. It's all just misleading disinformation that was solely invented to make me look bad that's only based on a grain of truth. And if anyone should be upset here, it should be me. I'm the one who struggled with this for 37 years and seven hours before finally getting it green lighted---Dru went out and sold the whole package right after I finished writing it and that's great but now they tell me that it's going to take at least 24 months for the book to come out and then another maybe 13 months for the movie to be made. And I'm not upset by any of that. I thought the price was fair, $38 million for a book and movie is OK by me and I don't get all of that, of course but Dru is giving me my standard $9.75 an hour---for the seven hours I worked on it. Oddly enough, she forgot about the 37 years she was saying I had been working on it while she was paying me. But I'm not complaining. I've got $68.25, it's Friday night and I've accomplished a lifelong dream. And all I'm hearing is her whining and complaining about the fact that she has to send Sean a check for $5 million because that's union scale for inspiring a hit book and movie. And all she can do is ask me over and over again why I didn't think of the premise on my own. As if it were my fault. So, I finally got upset and said, "Bite me!" And here's a tip for you kids, I know it's really hip and cool to say, "Bite me!" but don't say it to a vampire. Even if a slayer is sitting on your lap at the time, because she will just sit there and say, "You told her to bite you. What were you expecting? Call me the next time you don't deserve to be attacked." I'd probably be dead right now if Dru hadn't accidentally dripped blood on Buffy's new white shirt. That put an end to the biting real quick but you might not get that lucky so don't go around telling vampires to bite you. Not that it would matter much if I had been killed this afternoon because I'm so old anyway. And that brings me to my next point, which is that those guys from the movie studio were obviously drunk because they asked me to direct the movie. It is true that I'm the greatest director who ever lived but I'm forty-four years old. What are the odds I'll live the 2+ years they're talking about to get the movie done? I probably won't even make it till Monday. But I'm not even complaining about that. However it turns out is fine with me---unless the director they do pick butchers my script because if that happens, I will come back and haunt him. So that was my average ordinary Friday. Let's go to the party now. Just one last thing. Keep all this between you and me. At least if you talk to Miss Big, because she has this insane idea that when she's paying me to sell greeting cards I should be selling greeting cards, not writing books about things I shouldn't even be talking about in the first place. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM----Thursday June 19th, 2008 (Comment on this)
5:34p	It's Friday, You Bastards, Volume Two Would you believe that the review of Get Smart was bad? Yeah, I think everyone, including me, could believe it. So far, the only movie based on a TV show that turned out really good that I've seen is Josie And The Pussycats. And when you're dealing with something that was as good as Get Smart in the first place, you expect the movie to be bad. Besides that, I don't think Mel Brooks or Buck Henry had anything to do with it. Still, I will watch it when it comes on cable and just hope that I can get through the whole thing. I miss that show so much that I will endure almost anything to get some of the old magic back again. I am glad though, that I won't live long enough to see the Seinfeld movie that won't have Jerry, Elaine, George and Kramer or Larry David writing it. And I hope that Joss Whedon gets the Buffy movie rolling while he still has the original cast available. With all that having been said, tonight is dedicated to Max, 99, Siegfried and The Chief...and Mel and Buck. In other words, tonight is all about the original show with the original cast and writers. And here is the drink that Fifi invented tonight to honor them: ---------------------------------------------------------- Secret Agent Ingredients: * 1 1/2 oz Dark rum * 1/2 oz Cherry brandy * 2 tsp Dark Creme de Cacao * 4 oz cold Coffee * crushed Ice Mixing instructions: Pour all of the ingredients into an Irish coffee glass filled with crushed ice. Stir well. ---------------------------------------------------------- Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM----Art Bell, WOC AM 1420 (Comment on this)

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