Greg's Blurty

Because It Sometimes Cures Writer's Block
Hear Me Out Survey

TAKE THIS SURVEY!

Who did you last shoot a dirty look at?

Richard Nixon. He put me on his Enemies List for no good reason. Yes, I did have lunch several times with Carl and Bob and I know that looked bad but Dick should have known better. I am still a loyal Neo Con to this very day.

What kind of car do you drive?

A 1923 Maxwell.

Have you ever had a garage sale?

I can sell anything...I own the only air conditioner store above the Arctic Circle...but garages. People are too picky about them. They want them big enough to hold cars. I can't deal with that kind of pressure.

What color is your iPod?

Electric Chestnut. It's an earth tone with an attitude.

What kind of dog do you have?

If I had a dog, it would be a Beagle.

What's for dinner tonight?

Suzette says I have to take her out tonight. Because it's Tuesday. I'm pretty sure that's not a valid reason and I'm going to look it up to prove it but I'm also pretty sure it doesn't matter. So I'm going to order comfort food, something like deep fried bacon wrapped cheese sticks.

What is the last drink you drank?

I just had a double Ayawasca and everything is getting clear now.

Last time you were sick?

A week or so ago, I had an incurable fatal disease. It seems to have gone away.

How long is your hair?

Floor length. I really didn't want to grow it that long but I feel a moral responsibility to be a positive role model for Britney.

Are you happy right now?

Not yet. Give me another double Ayawasca and that might do it.

What did you say last?

Maybe so, but I'll be sober in the morning!

Who came over last?

Jenna Jamison----she said she just wanted to talk but that was just an excuse and as usual, she talked me into sleeping with her. She's only interested in my body. I feel so used.

Do you drink beer?

The ancient Sumerians called beer, "liquid bread," so stick that in your self righteous, judgmental pipe and smoke it!

Have your brothers or sisters ever told you that you were adopted?

Micheal and Tito told me that but that's just because they were jealous of my talent. It upset me till Janet, Jackie, Jermaine and Marlon assured me that it wasn't true.

What is your favorite key chain on your keys?

I can't play favorites with my key chains. Who would even ask a question like that? What kind of monster are you?

What is in your pocket?

Not an unlicensed, unregistered, illegal Botullyn death ray, if that's what you're getting at.

Who introduced you to your boyfriend or girlfriend?

A genie that I can't talk about because I'm currently suing her for malpractice.

Who is the last person you had a phone conversation with?

Ian Punnett. He thinks I would make a much more interesting guest than Jesus Christ, and in all fairness to him, I would be but I'm not in this for publicity, so I said no.

What DVD is in your DVD player?

Dr. Scholl's List, Sole Woman and Toetanic, Part 9-------it's a triple feature and it's not what you think! It's research! For a novel about...um...all the really big important things! Life, love, relationships and women's feet!

What's something fun you did today?

I had a big fight with Suzette about whether we were going out or not tonight and I won. And I'm celebrating my victory by taking her out to dinner.

What do you think of when you hear the word "meow"?

There has to be a really funny answer to this question. It's beyond my comic abilities but I know it's out there somewhere.

What are you listening to right now?

Last night's Coast. Where is JC?

What have you had to drink so far today?

Diet Coke and Ayawasca.

When is your birthday?

Feb. 2. You have a Groundhog joke? Awesome! I've never heard one.

What's the area code for your cell phone?

Does my cell phone have an area code? Do they charge me extra for that?

Where did you buy the shirt you're wearing now?

This shirt was hand tailored for me in Hong Kong.

Is there anything hanging from your rear view mirror?

I used to have a chandelier but it kept hitting me every time I made a turn.

How many states in the U.S. have you been to?

49...I was going to make it 50 but the people of Alaska sent me this big thank you card for never having gone there, so now it would just be very awkward.

What are you going to do after this?

I'm thinking about tying together and defining every known force in the Multi-Verse in one short, complete and very eloquent equation...or I might just go bowling.

What is something you need to go shopping for?

French Toast and it's a real drag because I have to go to Paris...yeah, I know I can get French Toast here but it's not the same.

Do you like pickles?

Yes and I like to garnish them with burgers, cheese and buns.

How about olives?

Oh no......not anymore, anyway. I tried that once and had a big fight with Popeye. It just wasn't worth it.

What is your favorite kind of gum?

Gum is a filthy habit and I'm proud to say I quit. I used the gum gum.

Do you have any tan lines?

Yes and if you play your cards right, you can even see them. You have to buy me dinner first, though, because I'm not easy!

Do you remember the name of your kindergarten teacher?

Yes, but I can't spell it.

Who was the last person to call you baby?

Jenna......she'll stop at nothing to get me into bed.

When you're at the grocery store do you used the self checkout?

I was going to but someone told me it causes hair to grow on your cart and I don't need that.

Has anyone ever sang to you?

Bette once sat on my desk and sang Wind Beneath My Wings to me but that was all...unless you count the time Marilyn sang Happy Birthday To You to me at Madison Square Garden. And Nancy and Ann once dedicated a whole tour to me but I don't think that counts.

Has anyone ever given you roses?

No, and I'm OK with that.

If you were abandoned in the wilderness, would you survive?

Depends on what you mean by wilderness. MidTown Manhattan is pretty wild and I've survived there.

What is your favorite color?

Psychedelic Beige.

What color are your eyes?

Blue.

What is a compliment you receive way too often?

I've never seen one that big! That's one I hear all the time. It gets tiring, so I take off my clothes and that stops the complements.

How tall are you?

Almost six of your feet.

Who was the last person to say they loved you and when?

Jenna. She'll say anything to get sex.

Do you like your parents?

They're OK for elderly conservatives.

Why did your last relationship end?

It was all her, not me.

Who was the last person you said you loved on the phone?

I can't say that sort of thing on the phone.

Where is the furthest place you've traveled?

Officially, Honolulu.

Which do you prefer, to eat or sleep?

I like to combing the two, it saves a lot of time.

Do you look more like your mom or your dad?

How do you keep coming up with these interesting questions?

How long does it take you to shower?

That depends on who I'm showering with.

Can you do splits?

No, this old football injury won't let me do anything fun like that.

Can you use the grill?

I use it all the time to fire roast the chilies for my top secret recipe salsa because they're the top secret ingredient.

Are you flexible?

I'm flexible enough for everything I have to do.

What movie do you want to see?

Slumber Party Pedicure---but it's not what you think.

What did you on New Years Eve 2007?

The same old thing. Hef needed someone to diaper a bunch of Bunny's to play Baby New Year and I volunteered again. I hope someone asks me to do something fun and exciting this year.

Was your mom a cheerleader?

No.

What is the last letter of your middle name?

I can't tell you that.

How many hours of sleep did you get last night?

Six.

Do you wear your seatbelt in the car?

Yes, because it keeps everyone safe and only murderous fiends don't buckle up---that's why we have to hunt them down and throw them in Seat Belt Prison.

Are you scared of flying?

No but I am afraid of stewardesses. Give a girl a uniform and a few bags of peanuts and she instantly becomes a sex maniac.

What do you sleep in?

A coffin. Some people think it's too clichéd but I like it.

Do you have any tattoos?

Have I ever told you about my phobia of needles?

Have you ever been to Los Angeles?

Yes, but I want to take this opportunity to remind everyone that L.A. itself is secondary and the Universe revolves around Beautiful Downtown Burbank.

What jewelry do you wear all the time?

I never wear jewelry.

What is your favorite song at the moment?

Are they still making songs?

What song do you HATE?

Life is too short for hating.

Do you like chocolate?

Is there any other food?

Are you easy to get along with?

Yes.

Any up coming events you're excited about?

2012.

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Coast To Coast AM----Monday June 9th, 2008