Greg's Blurty
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Below are 20 journal entries, after skipping by the 20 most recent ones recorded in Greg's Blurty:

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    Wednesday, March 12th, 2014
    9:13 am
    Congratulations, Republicans
    Republicans everywhere are celebrating the super mega landslide victory of David Jolly over Alex Sink: Republicans win first election showdown of the year (, and proclaiming that ObamaCare is finally over. All of them, that is, except for David Jolly. Oh, he's celebrating his mega landslide victory but he apparently didn't get the memo about ObamaCare being over because he didn't mention it in his victory speech.

    It's almost like he's afraid to go there. Despite his stunning victory. Oh, I guess I should do a little translating for those of you who have an actual working knowledge of mathematics and/or have never drunk the Republican Kool-Aid that what the Conservatives are calling a super mega landslide victory is actually 48.5% of the vote, opposed to the just under 47% that Alex Sink got.

    Most people would call that "Barely winning by the skin of your teeth," but not the GOP. In their world, that is a huge upset. And now that I've been a good loser by congratulating the Republicans on one of their last wins ever, I'm going to switch gears a little bit and talk about my #1 Favorite National Conservative Crackpot, Dennis Miller (

    Poor old Dennis spent more than an hour of his show last night (In some places, he's on in the morning but here, the Nazi Station ( is filled to the brim with propaganda during the day so they move their third string to nighttime slots) complaining that every time he tries to deny Global Warming, people treat him like an idiot who doesn't have enough sense to come in the from the rain and it bugs him.

    He admitted that he's not very smart...It was the most truthful thing he has ever said, either on or off the air...and then he mostly undid that little bit of goodwill by saying that if Liberals would actually have a conversation with him instead of calling him names, they would see that he's right and...Well, I don't mean to be blunt here but Dennis needs to understand that this is exactly why we say he's retarded.

    Then, to make him look even more stupid, he said, "And what's wrong with it getting warmer? We have to use less fuel to keep people warm in the winter. Come on! Tell me what's wrong with that!" That proves that there is a dim little light on somewhere in his head that recognizes that he's wrong but, bless his heart, he's just too dumb to realize that the whole process doesn't end with winters being a little warmer.

    At this point, I want to shout, "Hurricane Sandy, you moron!" And then rattle off a few hundred other preventable disasters that could have been prevented but weren't because we let stupid people like Dennis Miller vote. But I'm not going to do that. I am going to take Dennis' challenge and treat him as if he weren't completely retarded.

    So here goes. Dennis, first of all, get up off the couch and get out a little bit. When it's really cold here, go to places like Europe and Australia, where it's very abnormally warm. With any luck, you'll eventually realize that you live on a planet where everything is connected and you can't say, "It's cold! That proves there is no Global Warming." Then, when you get home, I want you to do a little reading about the Jet Stream. Learn how it's changing and why and how the colder temperatures really do prove Global Warming.

    Then I want you to watch this video which I posted a few days ago but you evidently didn't watch it:


    In the 70s, They said there'd be an Ice Age


    There. Now do you understand that only a very few scientists thought we were on the brink of a new Ice Age and the NewsWeek article you are so proud of just got the facts wrong? It happens sometimes. The media isn't infallible. I think that's enough for today. We don't want to overload your tiny delicate little brain. Take a nap and when it's time to do your show, tell your 30 or so listeners what you've learned.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Tuesday, March 11th, 2014
    7:17 am
    WHY But Not HOW
    At considerable risk of having my Atheist Card taken away from me again, I'm going to say that Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 is a direct message from God to you. And, as usual, God wasn't exactly crystal clear, so allow me to translate: If you keep losing things like your keys and phone, don't feel bad or even careless, cause look, there are people who lose huge airplanes and compared them, you are the most responsible person who ever lived.

    There. Now you now WHY that plane disappeared. It was God's way of sending you one of those stupid inspirational memes. Why doesn't God just use email or FaceBook to to do that, like everyone else, instead of killing a lot of people and destroying a piece of property worth millions of dollars? That's a very good question that I unfortunately don't have the answer for so I suggest you ask your preacher this Sunday. Don't let him or her get away with the inane "Because Man Has Free Will" cop-out, either. Make them you give you a real answer that makes some kind of sense.

    Now, we come to the other question I don't have an answer for: HOW did this jet disappear? There are a lot of theories and I'm going to give you The Young Turks take on them at the end but first I'm going to give my theory. I'm betting that Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 is just a repeat of Air France Flight 447, which disappeared in 2009 ( And the final investigation will say that some combination ice buildup, mechanical error and pilot error led it to crash.

    Of course, just in case it doesn't turn out that way, I have a Plan B. And no, it isn't terrorism. I've completely dismissed that theory because stolen passports are no big uncommon thing and no group has taken credit for it. There is a small chance it was landed in Vietnam or somewhere like some people think but for that to happen in total secrecy with no trace, the hijackers would have to know how to disable all the GPS auto-tracking devices and beacons and there's been no evidence of that, as well as no evidence to suggest an ordinary hijacking, so I'm saying we're looking at a crash here OR my Plan B, UFO's and/or Wormholes.

    Why would intelligent beings from elsewhere in our Universe or maybe from some other Universe entirely want to capture one of our ultra-low tech machines? I'll answer that with a question: Why do we still go into unexplored jungles to collect insects? You can learn a lot from primitive lifeforms. Now for Wormholes. People and things disappear all the time for no reason and maybe Wormholes are so uncommon that one has never turned up here on Earth but until we can account for single one of the disappearances, Wormholes have to be on the table. Add to that the Multi-Verse Theory, which may turn out to be wrong but right now you can't explain gravity without it so I don't see how or why anyone would dismiss Wormholes.

    OK, now that you've seen what I think, you get your reward. Here are Ana and Cenk with their take on this missing plane:


    Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 Conspiracy Theories

    Published on Mar 10, 2014

    *The sudden disappearance of Malaysia Airlines Flight MH370 somewhere over the South China Sea has been called an "unprecedented missing airline mystery" by Malaysian authorities. Right now, it's hard to disagree with that description. With very few clues and a number of odd details, right now the fate of the 239 passengers and crew on board is unknown. Here's how things stand right now...* Ana Kasparian and Cenk Uygur break it down on The Young Turks.

    *Read more here from Adam Taylor / The Washington Post:


    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Monday, March 10th, 2014
    8:33 am
    Where's Ole Sarah Palin?

    Howdy. Take your shoes off, set a spell and enjoy this, The Only Review Of The Ole Timey Country Down Home Red State Update Podcast 'n' 'Em, Episode 70: Live From CPAC You'll Ever Need. If y'all don't have time to read my official definitive Review, here's the gist of the Podcast, from the Red State Update Web Site:

    Jackie and Dunlap speak at the Southern White Male Outreach panel at CPAC 2014. Topics: Putin, Palin, Rand Paul, Paul Ryan, Rick Perry, Fred Thompson, Ann Coulter, Newt & Callista Gingrich, Dr. Ben Carson, Bachmann, Ted Cruz, Mitch McConnell, Tom Coburn, Chris Christie, Bobby Jindal, Rubio, guns, straw polls, the Rock, Coley's Snack Foods, and Dr. Birdman and Hurt Bird.

    Sponsored by Skunky's (formerly Little Helen's) ("Can You Smell What Skunky's Is Doing?") and Pre-Greeters.

    Direct download: Episode_70__Live_From_CPAC.mp3
    Category:general -- posted at: 2:44 AM


    Had I known that Jackie & Dunlap was going to appear at CPAC, I would have gone. Everyone on the Right from Reince Priebus to Alex Jones sends me a hundred emails a day and not one of them could bother mentioning that J & D were going to be there? It was obviously another giant conspiracy aimed directly at me but since Alex was part of it, he'll never expose it and you'll never even hear about it.

    It was the perfect crime. Dick Nixon is spinning in his grave right now, saying, "Why didn't I think of that? If I had just put Bob and Carl on my payroll BEFORE the break-in, I'd still be President today!" But his suffering isn't nearly as great as mine. Remember when The Beatles stopped touring and the only way you could see them was to sneak into the studio or you might get really lucky and see them play on a roof, which was kind of like winning the lottery because they only did it once?

    Well, Jackie & Dunlap have reached that very same stage in their career and the Southern White Male Outreach Panel at CPAC 2014 just might be their roof of the Apple Headquarters in London. They don't do personal appearances anymore and they even banned cameras from their palatial studio in the basement of Red State Update International, Inc. Do you realize how serious this is? This year's CPAC might have been January 30, 1969 all over again. IT MAY NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN!

    And all we'll have is the Podcast. And listening to it is like watching Let It Be ( while wearing a blindfold. We can hope that one of the people there captured the moment with at least a grainy cell phone video but given that there were only Conservative Republicans there and they aren't exactly known for their smarts...Well, how does the old saying go? Hope in one hand and spit in the other and see which one fills up first? Yep. I think that pretty much covers it.

    Do you really think that the same people who gave Rand Paul a 31% victory in the Straw Poll were smart enough to take a video of Jackie & Dunlap? That might be an unfair way of looking at it, though. Those same people gave Rick Perry only 3% of the vote. Still, even if you do all the math, you still come up with a bunch of people who are more than able to play Dueling Banjos with only one banjo but are highly unlikely to be able to figure out how to work a cell phone. Rush calls them Low Information Dialers.

    The technical term for this particular inbreeding induced genetic anomaly is the Ted Nugent Effect. Speaking of Ted, where was he? At the White House, begging Barack to invade Cleveland and forcibly put him in the The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame cause that's the only way he'll ever get there? And then, when that didn't work, he hitched a ride to Murfreesboro in Dr. Birdman's truck to get a job at Pre-Greeters?

    I hope so because that would be a good fit for him. He may not be an alcoholic but with his advanced senility, he would blend right in with all the other angry, bitter, old drunks. Just like Sarah Palin. She got 2% of the vote in the Straw Poll and that was God's way of telling her that she should sit on Ted's lap all the way to Murfreesboro.

    Once there, she'd make a good Pre-Greeter, too, but I think her real calling is whatever it is they do at Skunky's (formerly Little Helen's---- "Can You Smell What Skunky's Is Doing?"). Picture that for a moment. Ted and Sarah both living in Murfreesboro! It'd be just like Colonial Williamsburg, only instead of showcasing 18th Century America, it would be a living museum of failed political ideas. It could be bigger than Branson!

    Every washed up Republican from Rush Limbaugh to Ann Coulter could open a theater, cause Pre-Greeters can only hire so many angry old white people, and bitter old white men will flock to them to hear all the old hits like Abortion Is Bad and Trickle Down Economics Works!

    You folks at the The Official Rutherford County Convention & Visitors Bureau are sorry you fired me now, aren't you? I could be hanging out in your office giving you ideas like that all day long but no. You ruined that, didn't you? Try to not beat yourselves up too much, though. Learn from your failures and then move on.

    If you feel you must atone, though, do it by talking Jackie& Dunlap into turning on their cameras sometimes. At least when they appear at a big event like CPAC. Well, CPAC ain't all that big but you know what I mean. Tell you what, you convince them to perform Get The Hell Out Of My Store, Hippie! at Bonnaroo this year, with the cameras on, and we'll call it even.

    Well, I reckon that about does it for The Only Review Of The Ole Timey Country Down Home Red State Update Podcast 'n' 'Em, Episode 70: Live From CPAC You'll Ever Need, cause what's left to talk about?

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Friday, March 7th, 2014
    10:59 am
    It's INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY 2014 Friday, You Bastards
    INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY 2014 isn't really until tomorrow, Saturday, March 8, but we are getting it started tonight and not stopping until Sunday. And I still have a lot of moral and ethical issues with it. Is it right and just to honor and celebrate women on just one, two or even three days a year? I say no. I say this should be a year round event but the people who print the calendars say otherwise by printing INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY 2014 on only one day.

    And they've been doing for it years so we really can't blame ObamaCare for it. That leaves us with the Crime Of The Century and no suspects because the biggest criminal in the history of the world, ObamaCare, has an ironclad alibi. It's days like this that drove Dexter ( to say, "Screw it," and move to Seattle to become a lumberjack.

    We can't even blame the second biggest criminal in the history of the world, Benghazi, because INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY predates it. No wonder Rush Limbaugh makes $28,000,000 a year. He has to go on the air today and explain how the Feminazi's conspired to add their holiday to the calendar BEFORE it could be blamed on ObamaCare and Benghazi---Both of which they also caused.

    You can get down on your hands and knees right now and thank God you aren't a right-wing radio host. But that doesn't mean you still don't have problems. Big, huge, insurmountable problems. Because every woman in your life, especially the ones you're sleeping with---Because having sex with you should be its' own reward but it somehow never is---is going to expect something from you today, tomorrow and Sunday.

    It's like Valentines Day all over again. Times three. And now you have a choice. You can either kill yourself, which sounds great until you really think about it because the closer you look into it, the more it looks like a scam. Just shoot yourself in the head and instantly be rewarded with an eternity of peace is its' motto and it sounds a whole lot like the Pay Day Loan pitch. I've never died before so I can't say for sure but from what I've seen here, I have to say that suicide appears to have been invented by someone like Bernard Madoff and you're better off staying here.

    Especially if you follow my advice for surviving INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY 2014. Step One is to buy an Emergency Pizza Button ( Step Two is to program your wife's, girlfriend's, mistress's, whatever, favorite pizza into it. Step Three is to volunteer to cook every other night. There you have it. The gift that keeps giving all year round and when it's your turn to cook, all you have to do is push the button.

    The biggest drawback is having to eat Domino's several times a week but compared to the alternatives, it's a small price to pay. Unless you happen to live in Dubai, in which case you can also get a Pizza Emergency Button ( and voilà! You have instant variety! When it's your turn to cook, you can either push the Domino's or the Red Tomato Pizza button. You could even go crazy and push both buttons.

    I know, I know, I should write the definitive book on what women want and how to keep them happy because I'm the only one who has all the answers but if I took all the mystery out of life, do you realize how bored you would be? So just be glad that I'm only ruining the mystery of how to get through INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY 2014 alive and quit asking for more things that you only think you want.

    In other words, calm down and have a drink. Starting with this, the Theme Drink that Fifi, my Sommelier, invented for tonight:




    2 cl Galliano
    2 cl Cognac (Courvoisier)
    2 cl Cream
    1 cl Strawberry syrup
    1 Egg yolk
    1 slice Kiwi (garnish)
    Sprinkle with Chocolate

    Mixing instructions:

    Blend all the ingredients together and pour into glass. Garnish with a slice of kiwifruit and sprinkle the top with chocolate.


    Actually, I recommend you get a beer and give the Theme Drink to your girlfriend or wife or whatever and then while she's still bowled over from getting a drink with chocolate on it, you tell her that your're going to do half the cooking from now on. Just don't tell her it's always going to be Domino's Pizza on your night to cook until tomorrow. If you had to sleep on the couch tonight, it would pretty much defeat the purpose of getting her this turned on.

    Now let's get tonight's Featured Party Game started: Binders Full Of Women Displaying The Very Things That Caused Us To Give Them Their Own International Day.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Red State Update: Episode 40: This Ain't My First Racist Ro
    Thursday, March 6th, 2014
    6:51 am
    Two More Films
    There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on Congressmen.

    ~Will Rogers~

    Think of this as a peace offering, an olive branch, if you will, to all my retarded Conservative friends, because it shows that at least one of my hero's has suggested, just like your Ted Nugent did, that certain highly ranked elected officials be killed. Of course, Will, unlike Ted, proposed a legal solution in the form of a one day hunting season rather than Ted's proposed crazed and very illegal lone gunman idea. And Will never promised to be dead or in jail if it never came to pass.

    Will also said, "I am not a member of an organized political party. I am a Democrat." That should considerably ease your pain as you Conservatives watch this, the latest video I've found that explains just how dangerously stupid you are about Global Warming and how you were duped into being that way because you're not very smart to begin with:


    In the 70s, They said there'd be an Ice Age

    Uploaded on Dec 14, 2009
    To help support Climate Denial Crock of the Week
    Go to

    Everyone has a favorite decade, and for Climate deniers, that decade has got to be, the 70s.
    Yes, the decade of disco, kung fu, and watergate

    Because in the 70's, Deniers will tell you, All climate scientists believed an ice age was coming. Those crazy climate scientists! Why can't they make up their minds?

    But is that really true?
    Maybe a little historical perspective is in order.
    This remix is re-edited, includes better sound, and new film clips. Definitely a Christmas must-see for Uncle Dittohead and Aunt Teabag!

    Bulletin of American Meteorological Society article on the
    "Myth of Global Cooling"


    See? When Rush tells you that Global Warming is a myth, he's not just being a crazy drug addict. He's actively using the few brain cells he has left to manipulate you, because he knows you're not very smart to begin with, into believing something that simply isn't true. When are you going to sever that unhealthy relationship and start voting like you have a brain? How about this November? You can throw out a whole bunch of crippling dead Republican weight that's been holding us back.

    While we're on the subject of serial killers---Cause that's what you are as long as you keep supporting politicians who are trying to kill everyone by denying Global Warming---we might as well get to our tribute to Jim Lange, because the most interesting thing he ever did was to have a serial killer on his show ( but it's not just a tribute to Jim.

    It's also a good example for you. Because, the same way you picked Rush Limbaugh, the girl on the show picked the murderer but before the date could take place, she realized something was wrong and called it off. That's what you should take away from this. Dump Rush and the Republicans before they kill you:


    Serial Killer Rodney James Alcala on the Dating Game

    Uploaded on Mar 10, 2010
    Serial killer Rodney James Alcala on the Dating Game.


    Oh, just one more thing. Burn all your Ted Nugent records and start listening to Will Rogers.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Wednesday, March 5th, 2014
    3:48 am
    Let The Terror Begin
    Deadbeat parents beware. Even if Rachel Canning loses her noble fight (Student's lawsuit against parents for support loses first round in court:, she has opened the door and you could be next. Maybe you'll get really lucky and you won't be affected. Remember, people started suing tobacco companies in the 1950's but it wasn't until Cipollone v. Liggett in 1983 that anyone won and even then, it was reversed by the Supreme Court but look at what that case led to. Or maybe your kid will be the equivalent of Rose Cipollone and she'll sue and win tomorrow.

    And it will be way overdue but better late than never. I know that idea isn't setting well with a lot of you, especially you Conservatives, but remember that this country has to abandon the stupid notion that life is a gift and everyone should just be grateful for being here and it's way past time for the courts to start speeding up the process. Life is a burden that is imposed on people and the imposed upon need to have a judicial rubber stamp for when things don't go their way.

    Especially in New Jersey. I'm sorry but if you are going to be daft enough to make Chris Christie your Governor, you should be the very first to live in mortal fear of your children. You need to learn that willful ignorance has dire and expensive consequences. And for perhaps the first time ever, kids will benefit from your stupidity instead of suffering because of it.

    Don't think of it as your entire world being turned upside down and inside out. Look at it as a compulsory learning opportunity. Especially if you are Judge Peter Bogaard. Because if you are him, I hope you have at least five kids and every single one of them sues you for everything you have. If it weren't for Chris, you would be the biggest bully in New Jersey.

    If you, unlike Judge Peter Bogaard, are pretty good at your job as well as a pretty decent parent, and get caught in a life wrecking lawsuit anyway, I feel bad for you. Sad day for you, as Cenk would say. But don't take it personally. All great revolutions have a little collateral damage. It simply can't be helped. And you can go to your pauper's grave knowing that your sacrifice made the world a better place.

    A place where children aren't mass produced with absolutely no regard for their future simply because an imaginary being said, "Be fruitful and multiply." A place where people think multiple times before procreating and when the inevitable accidents happen, there are free, no questions asked abortion clinics on every street corner to solve the problem. A place where every baby is guaranteed to have all the basics, food, shelter, clothing, healthcare, etc etc up to and including a good job for life with the potential for more if they want it followed by a comfortable worry free retirement because the people making the babies are frightened to death of lawsuits.

    Think of it as, "Love The Fetus For Life." You know, the way it always should have been but we couldn't quite manage it without a Reign Of Terror from the courts. So, let the Terror begin! Kids, start following Rachel Canning's good example and start calling your lawyers.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---George Noory, WOC AM 1420
    Tuesday, March 4th, 2014
    9:26 am
    Maybe We Can Win

    A man once hired a private detective to find out if his wife were cheating on him.

    The detective returned in just three days with a video which showed the view through his best friend's bedroom window. The man saw his wife enter with his best friend, passionately kissing. The video showed them stripping naked, his wife and his best friend climbing onto the bed, and then turning out the light.

    The man stared at the screen, now showing only a darkened window, then turned to the detective and said, tears in his eyes, "That's the worst part of it -- the sheer Hell of never knowing for certain!"

    This dirty joke is dedicated to the people who say, "So you're saying only 97% of climatologists think human activity is causing the derangement of the climate . . . ?"


    Whenever I'm subjected to Conservatives, whether in person or through the media, I feel like I've been teleported into a scene from the The Big Bang Theory. That should be a good thing but no. It turns out it's just another dire warning to be careful of what you wish for because the scene is the one where Penny tells Leonard that she's a professional actress and he says, "You've finally been paid to act?" And she answers, "That's not the definition of professional," and Leonard says, "It kind of is." And Penny still doesn't get it.

    It still sounds good, right? Because who wouldn't want to be trapped in that world forever? The problem is that the malevolent Genies in charge of the teleporter always make disastrous changes. Penny is always changed into a right wing nut and Leonard is always someone like Bill Maher, Randi Rhodes or Cenk Uygur, trying to explain to the wing nut that what they believe about abortion, marriage equality, health care, religious freedom or whatever else is completely wrong.

    The worst one of all is Climate Change. Denying Climate Change is the Crown Jewel of stupidity. All the other insane things the nuts believe and foist upon us hurt lots of people but Climate Change hurts everyone. And one day, it is going to kill everyone. After causing years of misery. And pointing them to articles like this, It's Global Warming, Stupid ( is like talking to a brick wall. Except the brick wall listens better.

    The ironic thing is that even if we did come to our senses and declare all the Ditto Heads ( along with their leaders, insane and stripped them of all power, it would probably still be too late. Socially, it would be awesome because there would be no more debate about things like Gay Marriage and abortion but as far as everyone being eventually killed by Global Warming, I don't know if we could throw that process into reverse at this point.

    On the other hand, we developed the atomic bomb in only six years. And in 66 years, we went from the very first heavier than air powered flight to putting people on the Moon. So maybe we could fix the climate before it kills us. I think we should try. If we win, it'll be more than worth the effort. But, even if we fail, we could at least know that in the end, we got all the stupid Conservatives out of the way and devoted our time and money to making things better instead of supporting lazy rich people, making people miserable and killing each other for fun. With the way we've screwed up everything up until this point, it's the best exit we can hope for.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Monday, March 3rd, 2014
    9:07 am
    You'd Like To Thank Who?
    Glenn Beck ( is upset because only one winner last night (Oscars 2014: Matthew McConaughey one of few to thank God in Oscar acceptance speech: bothered to thank God. It almost makes me wish I had gone to the Oscars last night or even watched on TV...As you might know, I've never had a good relationship with the Academy but we were cordial until the final straw in 1979 when Animal House was completely snubbed and I have been boycotting them ever since...because while it might not seem like much, this not thanking God business is really a pretty big deal.

    It's further evidence that studies like this, Millennials leaving religion over anti-gay teachings ( are rock solid and we are finally moving into a 100% God free future. As the Bible says, no man knows the exact time or hour when we will finally dump all religion forever but it seems reasonable to think that it will happen in your lifetime. It could even happen in my lifetime. It would have to hurry up a whole lot but it could happen.

    If you think I'm being overly optimistic again, I'd like you to watch this video. Even if you don't think I'm being overly optimistic, I'd still like you to watch this video because I'm having an attack of Writer's Block---It's a rare Asian strain that I picked up in Hong Kong, in a little club in the Wanchai, last week, that our Western doctors don't know how to treat, otherwise I'd just take a pill and get rid of it---and therefore have nothing more to say but if you watch the video, it will seem like I did a full day's work. It's the least you could do for Glenn Beck, you know, because he's already fit to be tied because no one believes in God anymore, so you could at least let him think that at least one Liberal is doing his job instead of knocking off early to go to New Orleans for Fat Tuesday:


    (Really) Bad News For Religious Conservatives

    Published on Feb 26, 2014
    *One third of young people who left organized religion did so because of anti-gay teachings or treatment within their churches, according to a new study. While not surprising—it's no secret that younger Americans are more accepting of gay people—it puts a number on the cost anti-gay policies can have on organizations. A full 31% of young people (ages 18 to 33) who left organized religion said "negative teachings" or "negative treatment" of gay people was a "somewhat important" or "very important" factor in their departure, as surveyed by the Public Religion Research Institute. ..* What do atheists think about this? Does this spell the doom of the Christian Right? The Young Turks host Cenk Uygur breaks it down.

    *Read more here from Jane C. Timm /


    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Thursday, February 27th, 2014
    6:04 am
    Rejoice, Sing And Shout Joyfully
    Shout joyfully to the LORD, all the earth; break forth in song, rejoice, and sing praises.

    ~~~Psalm 98:4

    You are probably wondering why I'm starting with a Psalm, since it isn't even Sunday. Unless you've given it a moment or two of thought, in which case you probably realize that I'm having some fun with my Conservative Base by reminding them how most people feel today in the wake of Jan Brewer doing maybe the only decent thing she has ever done in her entire life and how everyone, up to and including the LORD, is against them. And laughing at them.

    It isn't just the LORD, either. Mitt Romney and John McCain also went on record saying that legalizing discrimination is a bad idea. How does that make you Conservatives feel? Two of your biggest rats have abandoned your sinking ship. Have you noticed how fast the water is rising? How long can you hold your breath?

    Speaking of Mitt, look how he turned his back not just on you but on his church. Imagine for a moment how many people in Arizona would have instantly converted to Mormonism if Jan had signed Senate Bill 1062 into law because they would be instantly entitled to discriminate against Blacks and Native Americans (Behold the Lamanites your brethren, whom ye hate because of their filthiness and the cursing which hath come upon their skins . . . Book of Mormon, Jacob 3:5).

    But no. Mitt and John sold you out, just so future historians would not be be able to say they were 100% evil and crazy 100% of the time. That's probably why Jan decided to do the right thing, too. And now everyone but you is joyfully singing and praising. Of course, you still have FOX News, which is just the thing you need most out there in the middle of the ocean in a boat that's breaking apart cause you can never have too many lead weights hanging around your neck.

    Check out how FOX labeled this story: Arizona gov vetoes controversial religious rights bill ( Compare that to how CNN labeled the very same story: Arizona's decision on anti-gay bill unlikely to end religious liberty movement (

    To FOX, it's all about "Religious Freedom," the right to hide behind the Bible every time you want to lynch someone or stone a prostitute to death, even if the lynching and stoning can only be figurative at this point. To CNN, it's all about discrimination. Thank God, the people who agree with CNN won.

    And I guess the next battlegrounds for it are going to be Missouri and Georgia. That worries me a little but not too much because to paraphrase New York New York, if insane hate laws can't make it in Arizona, they can't make it anywhere. I'm not 100% sure of that but I'm pretty confident.

    That's about all I have to say on the subject, except for this, just a little helpful advice for dealing with this for my Conservative Base from another one of Frank's songs, "Some people get their kicks stomping on a dream. But I don't let it, let it get me down. 'Cause this fine old world, it keeps spinnin' around." Then at at the very end, it goes, " I'm gonna roll myself up in a big ball and die, my, my." That's the way I think you should handle it. Don't wait for Missouri and Georgia to stomp on what's left of your heart.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Tuesday, February 25th, 2014
    6:53 am
    May He Now Get The Answers He Was Always Seeking
    This has not been a good year so far for comedy. No. Strike that. It's not been a good month for comedy. On February 12, Sid Caesar died and then yesterday, February 24, Harold Ramis died. Thank God there's only three days left of it. Thank God even more that Barack Obama is our President.

    That last statement might, at first glance, seem kind of random but not when you remember how outraged I still am over what George Bush said when Bob Hope died, "Today America lost a great citizen. We mourn the passing of Bob Hope. Bob Hope made us laugh, and he lifted our spirits. Bob Hope served our nation when he went to battlefields to entertain thousands of troops from different generations."

    That is no way to eulogize a legend. THIS is how you eulogize a legend, "Our thoughts and prayers are with Harold’s wife, Erica, his children and grandchildren, and all those who loved him, who quote his work with abandon, and who hope that he received total consciousness." Then there were the great Tweets from Dan Aykroyd, one of which I appropriated for the title of this post. On those grounds, I say things could be worse. And yes, I am grasping at straws, trying to make the most of a really lousy month but you can blame that on all the wanton enablers who irresponsibly encourage my naturally upbeat, positive, the glass is always half full personality instead of urging me to seek treatment for it.

    I should be quoting Fred, the Bishop from Caddyshack, "There is no God..." But no. Misguided peer pressure has wrenched that bit of normalcy right out of my hands. Instead, I'm looking on the bright side. Someone somewhere suggested yesterday that Ghostbusters 3 go ahead with Harold appearing as a ghost. Some people are already saying that's a bad idea but I don't understand why.

    There's no problem, technology wise. They could make him look and sound great with CGI, so why not do it? Send him off with one last great role. Even if it's not really him. But when I say that, a lot of people ask me what makes me think that anything about Ghostbusters 3 is going to be great. If it even gets made at all.

    Why is the world filled with so much negativity? No wonder Alec Baldwin is quitting. And he did that even before Harold died and insured that we would never have another Animal House. He's a visionary. Just like Harold was.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Monday, February 24th, 2014
    7:23 am
    The New And Improved Class System
    Lately, I've begun to develop a writing phobia. A lot of you, my ten million loyal daily readers here on present day planet Earth as well as the one one hundred billion plus others scattered throughout this Universe, other dimensions and timelines, have probably never noticed but a good deal of what I do, be it novels, screenplays, articles or even this blog, most days, usually contains a good deal of satire. There are exceptions, where the satire rate is near zero but then there are times when I'll write a piece that's close to 100% satire. And that's the problem.

    How can I take an idea, like the one I had on Saturday, which consists of proposing that school officials develop a formula to determine how much education each student gets based on the property taxes their parents pay and develop it into a Blog post? It sounds great idea on the surface. A lot of people in the Focus Groups even said I should send it to Saturday Night Live cause it would make an even better sketch but how can I do it?

    To me, it seems pretty much the same as leaving a loaded gun out in a room full of toddlers. The toddlers in this analogy, of course, are all the Conservatives out there who are going to see it and say, "Why didn't I think of that?" Then they're going to call their state representatives and Rush Limbaugh and start demanding that the whole country start doing it.

    If you thinking I'm being ridiculous, well, first off, welcome home. Was your flight from Mars nice? Secondly, let me catch you up on some things that have happened since you left: 2 Utah workers placed on leave as officials investigates why lunches taken from students ( & Arizona state Senate passes bill legalizing anti-LGBT discrimination (

    Those stories aren't from Cracked or The Onion. They are 100% real. And now, if I say that teachers should divide the room so that kids of the people who are paying the most will get the best seats and most attention, how can you say I'm crazy for thinking it might happen in the same country that is repossessing and throwing away kids' lunches AND seriously considering legalizing discrimination? It would be a lot like First Class on an airplane. Then there would be Second Class and then for the kids of people who pay little or nothing, there would be Economy Class. Sometimes known as Baggage.

    Unlike airplane passengers, though, kids have no rights and no one cares about them (Well, we do care about some of them and we'll get to them in a minute), so the ones in Baggage could also be used as servants. That part of the idea isn't mine, so to give credit where credit is due: Gingrich Doubles Down On Child Labor: Poor Kids Should ‘Clean The Bathroom’ (

    Also unlike airline passengers and even convicted felons, we can hit the kids in Baggage if we don't think they're doing a good enough job, especially in Kansas: Is Harsher Corporal Punishment For Children Coming To Kansas? ( If you're a pedophile/sadist, the Kansas educational system is the place for you! The state motto is soon going to be: No Safe Word, No Consent, No Problem, As Long As The Victim Is Under 18!

    Anyway, after the poor kids have used up their ten or fifteen minutes of paid class time everyday, they will be free to do all the work we'd have to pay people that we can't even hit to do. And if they get lucky, they might even get assigned to serve drinks and snacks to the kids in First Class, the kids we actually care about (Like that nice boy from Texas: Affluenza defense is sickening: and if they don't squander the chance, they can learn a lot for free.

    That's why they call America, The Land Of Opportunity! A poor kid could end up learning enough to work the French fry machine at McDonald's! What a country! I could go on but I think I've probably already said too much. I love writing stuff like this but I don't want to see it actually happen and God has seen fit to put me in a world where what I think is good funny satire can be made real in a minute because crazy people have so much power.

    Hence my aforementioned growing writing phobia. I have a bunch of choices to deal with it. I could keep doing what I do and figure out a way to not let it bother me. I could completely change the way I write by getting rid of satire. Or I could just give in to my fears and quit---Sort of a minor variation of Alec Baldwin's plan to deal with the media (Alec Baldwin Is "Done" With Public Life; Won't Talk to Media About Personal Life Ever Again: I don't like any of those choices.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Friday, February 21st, 2014
    10:06 am
    It's Friday, You Bastards
    I know you're busy packing because you have to get to New York tonight for the opening ceremony of NYC Beer Week (, so I won't keep you long. Unless you're staying here for my party and then going to New York in the morning, in which case it won't be the first time you flew half-way across the country with the world's worst hangover, so no harm done.

    Except that you'll miss the Opening Night Bash In Vanderbilt Hall At Grand Central Terminal. But you'll still be too drink to care. And I won't be there until sometime tomorrow, anyway. So, any way you look at it, this is one of those rare times when you really can't make a bad decision. If your entire life was this easy, you'd be happy and successful right now. Of course, if that were the case, you might not feel a driving need to go to New York just because they're having a big city wide beer party and then breweries might have to start laying off people. So, life being horrible enough to drive you to drink is a good thing. At least from an economics standpoint.

    So, I guess the first toast tonight should be to Bad Choices That Bring Misery. Especially when they're forced on you and you really don't have a "Choice" at all, you have illusory Choice between two equally bad things, cause they are the best for everyone. At least that's what they keep telling me down at the Billionaires Club. Lest you think that all I get at the Billionaires Club is good political advice, here's something else I heard about down there that is coincidentally another good reason for you to go to New York this weekend: THIS CLUBHOUSE IS FILLED WITH $3,000 GLASSES OF RARE BOOZE (

    With all the Takers constantly whining and crying about not having frills like jobs, food, clothing and shelter, you're going to need lots of $3000.00 glasses of rare booze just to drown them out. Personally, I'm going to skip Rarities. I will stay at The New York Palace because, as 5 Star hotels go, it's a nice place but I have better things to do than wait all night for a table and then get the privilege to pay $3000 for a glass of rancid lighter fluid.

    Don't tell the Koch brothers, because they already have this crazy idea that I'm not a team player but I'd rather spend my time researching the candidates for Thrillist's Hot Bartender Olympics (You can vote on your favorite of seven charming, skilled, and toooootally coincidentally drop-dead gorgeous NYC bartenders: I know, I know, I take politics too seriously but I can't help it. It's like an addiction.

    I have to know who I'm voting for or it just doesn't feel right. Especially when it comes to the Hot Bartender Election because feeling takes on a whole other and massively more important dimension there. Will medical science ever come up with a cure for my obsession with politics? Maybe but probably not before I cast my ballot for Hot Bartender, so I'm just going to make the best of it.

    As should you. Starting by kicking off NYC Beer Week right here in Illinois because you're already here and New York is still so far away. If you still need help with the decision making process, Fifi, my Sommelier, has this, the Theme Drink she invented for tonight:


    Bronx Zoo


    1/2 oz Rum
    1/2 oz Vodka
    1/2 oz Gin
    1 splash Sprite
    1 splash Grenadine
    Lemon squeeze
    1 shot Beer

    Mixing instructions:

    Mix the liquors and grenadine. Strain. Add splash of Sprite and lemon squeeze. Then add shot of beer.


    See? After five or six of those, you will no longer be able to tell the difference between my living room and Grand Central Terminal. It's having the best of both worlds because tomorrow, you'll still be able to give your regards to Broadway in person. Perhaps from the bathroom because you'll be vomiting profusely, especially after that long flight but that still counts.

    Another thing that counts is tonight's Featured Party Game: Binders Full Of Girl Bartenders. Think of it as the Primary for the Thrillist's Hot Bartender Olympics. Vote early. Vote often. And don't feel bad about profiting from my hopeless preoccupation with politics. Oh! Here's a tip to help you decide who to vote for. The Republican Bartenders are all wearing F Off Heart Necklaces ( and they aren't shy about showing them to you. As they're asking for your support. You can vote for them anyway but you probably won't like it they win.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Red State Update: Episode 40: This Ain't My First Racist Ro
    Thursday, February 20th, 2014
    6:57 am
    Car Salesmen And Politicians
    There's a local car dealer here in the Quad Cities ( that's currently including in its' commercials this phrase, "We finance your future, not your past!" It's an obvious lie...Unless you can walk in there broke and unemployed, with a terrible credit score and drive out in a new car, on the promise that someday you will probably get a job and pay for it.

    Far more likely, they don't look at quite as much of your past as anyone else would and some visionary in the marketing department decided that's the same as not looking at it at all. And it probably costs considerably more for that little bit less scrutiny. And that, in and of itself, doesn't bother me. The part that does bother me is that they will probably sell a lot more cars than if they had been honest.

    Why can't we live in a world where the playing field is so level and fair that chicanery like that is punished in the marketplace? A world where trying to sell cars like that would be rewarded with no sales? And it's not just cars. I bet lots of other durable goods are sold like this, too. And really, if dishonest marketing was all we had to worry about, this would be a pretty decent world. Well, compared to what it currently is.

    But it goes far beyond cars. It has seeped into almost everything and people just pretty much accept it. Think about that for a minute. In a world where car dealers get rewarded for saying they will finance your future, not your past and no one even says, "That's BS!" what's next? Are you going to be able to go out and just shoot someone because you don't think he should be in your neighborhood or you don't like the music he's playing and then get off by claiming it was self-defense?

    Oh right. We already have that. OK, how about this. Will you be able to run for Governor Texas on a Conservative Family Values platform with a self-admitted pedophile and draft dodger who was investigated by the Secret Service for threatening the President as your biggest supporter and then maintaining that protecting kids from predators is one of your biggest priorities without being locked up for being obviously crazy?

    Oh, OK, I guess the answer to that one is yes, too:


    Campaigning With A 'Sexual Predator' That Sh**s His Pants - What I

    Published on Feb 18, 2014
    *Republican Texas gubernatorial candidate Greg Abbott this week said that a Tuesday event with Ted Nugent would go on, even after Democrats reminded him of the conservative rocker's admitted history of sexual relationships with underage girls. The Dallas Morning News noted on Monday that Abbott had campaigned on his record of protecting women against Internet predators as attorney general, but refused to cancel a Tuesday appearance with Nugent, who admitted in a 1998 VH1 documentary that he had a history with young girls....* The Young Turks host Cenk Uygur breaks it down.

    *Read more here from David Edwards / The Raw Story:


    And you know what the worst part is? Ted hasn't promised to be dead or in jail by this time next year if Wendy Davis ( wins. Not that he would keep it but it would give me a moment of false hope---Just like those broke people who think they'll get a car because their future is being financed---and that would be way more than I have right now.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Wednesday, February 19th, 2014
    9:26 am
    Iowa Republicans Are Just Nuts
    Today's title comes to us from Charlie Pierce, via a Sam Seder video on YouTube about Chris Christie entitled Chris Christie Trudges On...But For How Long? You know, it's the usual direct route that characterizes most of my work. Or in this case, Charlie Pierce's work. If you can call it that. I mean, he said it but I was one who not only wrote it down but made the editorial decision to make it the title. So who did all the work here? Me. As usual.

    But I'm not even complaining about that. In fact, it's good for me. My doctor said all this heavy lifting will eventually cure these chest pains I've been having lately because the deceased feel no pain. I don't know how she knows it. She has never, to my my knowledge, been dead, so I'm skeptical but she insists it's true. She further insists that her license to practice medicine makes her the final word on the issue. Especially when I point out that "Modern Medicine" can't even define life, let alone death, so how could it make any absolute claims about either of them?

    Then I usually list ten or so folk remedies that formal medicine laughed off as stupid superstitions for centuries right up until some researcher discovered that they are valid. That's when she has to admit that I know more about her business than she does...Well, I think she admits it. That's what logic, decorum and good sportsmanship would dictate but there's no way for me to be completely sure because first she gets her petty revenge for proving her wrong yet again by giving me a massive dose of Morphine. That's not the revenge part, cause I like Morphine. The revenge part comes in the way she gives it to me. With a needle. I hate needles. Civilized people get their drugs via pills or liquids but anyway, I never remember much after that.

    Sometimes, I don't wake up for four or five days. You would think that someone who spent so many years in school would know that there is no way to defeat me in an argument but no, she has to learn the hard way every time. Anyway, the point is that if you're thinking that dying is going to get you out of all your pain, you might want to think again.

    I mean, it could work but there's no more reason to think it will than there is to think it won't. There's also no way to know that you aren't going into something worse. So I recommend you find someone reliable who has already been dead and question them extensively before you decide. Or you can take the word of a girl who has a big fancy medical degree but isn't smart enough to know that she can't beat me in an argument.

    Wait. I think there's another point, too. Oh yeah! I remember now. Iowa Republicans Are Just Nuts! But really, that's just the clever title. The actual other point is that Chris Christie might come back. Just like Jason or Freddy or Michael Myers. And don't just take my word for it. Charlie Pierce, in that Sam Seder video I just told you about, said that his dad, who is a New England Liberal always liked Chris Christie. At least he did before the bridge scandal.

    But don't just take Charlie's word for it, either. I now point you to Frank Mullen, who in a recent column (At last, a scandal that's not homegrown: said this: I say this as a New Yorker who always has liked Christie, his direct, East Coast-style and no-nonsense approach to his job. Sure, he's an opinionated blowhard, but so is the guy who hangs out in my bathroom mirror.

    Wait. There's more. After Hurricane Sandy, when Chris and Barrack became best friends for about a week, I myself said that I was very close to being able to vote for him should he run for President. Are you detecting a pattern here? I am. There's a lot of people who liked Chris until just recently and I'm not so sure that there aren't a lot who still like him, despite his inability to do anything honestly.

    You would think that holding storm cleanup funds hostage would be a deal-breaker that would keep him out of the Oval Office but remember, Iowa Republicans Are Just Nuts. And Iowa is the place where the Presidential Race starts. Could the Republicans win the White House in 2016 with Chris? At this point, I think we have to say it is still possible. I just hope the next scandal he gets into is deal-breaker even for the nuttiest Republicans.

    OK, I really don't have an ending...Other than a reminder to always get a second opinion from me when your doctor tells you something stupid cause I know way more than she or he does...but you'll never notice and I'll still get another Pulitzer Prize For Journalism, so no harm done, cause I'm going to distract you now by tacking on the Sam Seder video here:


    Chris Christie Trudges On...But For How Long?

    Published on Feb 18, 2014
    The Chris Christie corruption scandal rolls on and Christie himself is trudging along with it. Charlie Pierce joins us to discuss...

    This clip from the Majority Report, live M-F at 12 noon EST and via daily podcast at http://Majority.FM

    Subscribe to us on YouTube:


    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Monday, February 17th, 2014
    10:00 am
    I'd Like To See More Snake Handling
    I really wish Snake Handling was the number one religion in the world. Or at least in the US. We need a lot more people like Jamie Coots (Snake-handling Ky. pastor dies from snake bite: Don't get me wrong. It's not that I want to see a lot of God nuts get killed simply for practicing their faith. That's just an unfortunate side effect.

    The reason I like Snake Handlers so much is because they are so admirable. It's hard for Atheists like me to say that they really don't believe what they claim to believe when they are sticking both arms into a tank filled with Cottonmouths and that's the kind of challenge I enjoy. About the most I can say when they get bit multiple times and then refuse to let me call 911 because God will cure them, is, "There are less agonizing ways to kill yourself. It's a little late now but if you had done a little Googling, you could be dying pain free right now."

    Sooner or later, usually later, at the funeral, I have to admit, "He really did believe. Right to the end." And that feels good. It's the closest someone like me will ever get to feeling the comfort of religion. That's why it's a shame it doesn't happen a lot more often. It's also an economical shame.

    Imagine for a minute what someone like Glenn Beck could do with this. Currently, the majority of his listeners are older than dirt and that's OK for now because the billionaires who support him are that desperate but that can't last forever. Someday, he's going to have to start trying to attract the under 90 crowd and how's he going to do that? With his wit and charm?

    Not likely. But if he converted to Snake Handling and started playing with rattlesnakes during every show, lots of young people would tune in. In droves. Until the good Lord called him home. And it's not just Glenn. Sean, Mike, Dennis and all the other Rush clones, including Rush himself, could cash in on this, too. Along with all the TV Rush's.

    Snake Handling can save Conservative Talk Radio and Television! One host at a time. Right up until it kills the format by eliminating all the hosts. But think of the ratings in the meantime. And the benefits don't even end there. Think of all the ordinary people Rush, Glenn and the rest of them could inspire with the little time they have left.

    Maybe the judge who put Kayla Michelle Finley in jail (Woman jailed for not returning 2005 video rental: would be convinced to start playing with Cobras to prove how pious he is. And what about the jury that thinks that Michael Dunn is guilty of attempted murder but not murder itself (Jury reaches verdict on 4 of 5 counts in loud music trial:

    To be fair, that is a giant step forward, compared to the George Zimmerman trial but we would all be better off if that jury were to die from snake bites before they can be called to be on another jury. So, come on, Rush and Glenn, start inspiring your people to worship God by agitating deadly snakes. You'll make a ton of money and for once, you'll be making the world a better place while doing it. And who knows? Maybe God really does love you and won't make you die. And think of what you'll be able to say about the other heathen hosts when they die.

    This is one of the biggest potential WIN-WIN situations ever. And, as an extra added bonus, Ted Nugent could finally fulfill his promise to be dead because President Obama was reelected. It'd be over a year late but better late than never!

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Red State Update: Episode 40: This Ain't My First Racist Ro
    Sunday, February 16th, 2014
    9:01 am
    It's Valentine's Day Weekend Sunday, You Bastards

    Nevada tea party Republican: ‘Yeah, I would’ vote to bring back slavery

    By David Ferguson
    Tuesday, October 29, 2013 9:45 EST

    A Republican Nevada state assemblyman said that he would vote for legislation in favor of slavery if his constituents wanted him to. According to the Las Vegas Sun, Jim Wheeler of Gardnerville, NV was speaking to the Storey County Republican Party when he made the remarks last August, although they are only now coming to light.

    “If that’s what they wanted, I’d have to hold my nose, I’d have to bite my tongue and they’d probably have to hold a gun to my head, but yeah, if that’s what the citizens of the, if that’s what the constituency wants that elected me, that’s what they elected me for,” he said. “That’s what a republic is about.”

    Now, Wheeler said to the Sun, “liberal operatives” are spreading the video in an effort to smear him.


    You might be thinking that a story about the Tea Party wanting to bring back slavery is an odd way to kick off Valentine's Day Weekend Sunday, so let me explain. I was listening to The Best Of The Sean Hannity Show ( a little while ago on the Nazi station ( and Sean was talking to a guest who said he went out in the street with a microphone and started asking random people if they thought the Tea Party was racist. He said that everyone of them said yes, so then he asked them to name one example of how the Tea Party is racist and not one of them could give him one.

    Sean and whoever that guest was concluded that this means the Tea Party has never been racist and people are just repeating what they are told by the evil Drive-By media. So I thought about the issue for one half of a nano second and remembered Jim Wheeler. Then I remembered a few million other examples. And I've decided to make my Good Deed For The Day reminding you that if this ever happens to you, you don't have to worry about your mind going blank because someone is shoving a microphone in your face.

    All you have to do is write Jim Wheeler down on a little slip of paper and carry it in your pocket. Then, when you're asked to come up with just example of how the Tea Party is racist and your mind goes blank, just take it out and read it. It's simple and effective. If you're not too nervous, it would also be great if you recorded the whole exchange on your cell phone and then put it on YouTube.

    Now that all the annoying politics are out of the way, I guess we can get back to focusing on romance. You're probably out of ideas by now because you've been wallowing in a sea of love and affection since Friday morning and that tends to have the same mind blanking effect that having a huge microphone shoved in your face has. But fear not. The good Lord guided you to me for a reason. I will lead you through this crisis by giving you more than enough ideas to get through the last 12 hours or so of this holiday.

    Starting in the shower. Have you installed a Single Locking Foot Rest from my friends at Sex In The Shower yet? This incredible device ( isn't just for Valentine's Day, either. Any day is good for sex in the shower and even when you find yourself alone in the shower, it's still useful because it helps you ladies shave those hard to get to areas.

    They have tons of other must have, useful items, too, like vibrating soaps and sponges. And don't forget the Loofah Strap! But what happens when you get tired of showering? You simply fill the tub with water and sit down. With this: Passion Bath Salts & Sexual Game ( That should keep you busy for another hour or two.

    OK, now that you're really wet and feel like drying off a little, what better way to do it than than to spend some time in your swing ( Remember, even the softest towels can chafe and you can't risk that. Not this weekend.

    Are you ready for a change of scenery yet? Maybe an exotic trip to the kitchen is in order. Don't worry that no one has ever described your kitchen as an exotic location before, bio-hazard maybe but not exotic, because when you take the LoveBumper H20-OHH Blanket ( with you, all that will change. I'd describe this magical life changing item myself but I can't do it any better than the official description from the catalog: Looking for some hot kitchen floor sex without the bum crumbs? This brilliant sex blanket from LoveBumper provides an ideal barrier between your love-making and the rest of the world.

    The only thing I can add to that is: Your kitchen needs the LoveBumper H20-OHH Blanket! And it's not just for the kitchen, you can use it anywhere. Even the Emergency Room, which is ironic because the ER is the one place you don't want to go to today. That brings us to our next item, the Low Temperature Drip Candles ( With these babies, you can be daring, adventurous and fearless without risking third degree burns and having to come up with a non-embarrassing story to tell the doctor. No one but you will have to know they're safe.

    Is that enough to get you through the rest of the day yet? No? Well, OK, I have one more and I saved the best for last: Chocolate Play Pens - 2 Pack ( Now you can get rid of any excess energy you have by doodling all over your Significant Other. And then erasing them with your tongue. Valentine's Day doesn't get any more romantic than that.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Red State Update: Episode 40: This Ain't My First Racist Ro
    Saturday, February 15th, 2014
    11:14 am
    It's Valentine's Day Weekend Saturday, You Bastards
    I'm bound, I'm told, by tradition, to talk about love today, because it's still Valentine's Day Weekend. If it's true, it figures. Everyone else this weekend is getting tied up by Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS and what do I get? I get to be tied down by tradition. And I'm supposed to talk about love like it's a good thing when it keeps slighting me like this? That's exactly the idea you'd get if you talked to my staff and my publisher, Bombastic Bushkin...And don't get me started on him because he thinks that just because he pays me, he has some right to tell me what to do, when to do it and how to do it.

    You know, he was fired from his old job at Walmart because the Walton family...Not the TV Walton Family, who run a lumber mill and just lost another major cast member (Ralph Waite, Patriarch in ‘The Waltons,’ Dies at 85:, these are the Walton's in the retail business who are trying to bring back slavery...was appalled at the sadistic way he treated the worthless peons who do all the work. And then things got even worse for him when Lucifer sued him for intellectual property theft. He and Lucy eventually settled out of court but it didn't do anything to improve to Bushkin's attitude. He now spends his days trying to get even with the world by torturing me by acting like he has the right to boss me around just because he's my boss.

    How messed up is that? If anyone should be spending his days getting even with the world, it should be me. Starting with suing the Bhikkhunī that cursed me with Nirvāṇa. Sure, I consented to it but I thought it was going to be another position from the Kama Sutra. I'm sure any jury in the world would totally agree that her sales technique was intentionally misleading and deceptive.

    The only problem is that liberation from the imprisonment of craving, suffering and rebirth has left me curiously uninterested in lawsuits. Even the ones that can't lose. I can't prove it but I'm certain that Bhikkhunī also had a law degree from either Harvard or Yale.

    The Thubten Yeshe says that I have, "full awakening; Buddhahood. The ultimate goal of Buddhist practice, attained when all limitations have been removed from the mind and one's positive potential has been completely and perfectly realized. It is a state characterized by infinite compassion, wisdom and skill." And that's all true but it's still false because it omits two very important details: IT SUCKS! And, There's no way out!

    I don't want to be stuck here doing this when I should be getting even with the entire world for wronging me. Or, even better, because getting even with the entire world sounds like a lot of work, I could be spending this time getting tied up by Ilsa because it's her turn to do the tying. But no.

    Because of a pushy Buddhist Priestess with a body that could get her the cover of the SI Swimsuit issue, I'm stuck with Spiritual Perfection. And a work order that says I have to come up with a thousand words on love by 5 PM. Luckily for everyone concerned, there were two brown M&M's in my dressing room tonight. That's important because my contract rider specifies that I am only to be given green M&M's. There's also the little matter of my Heineken being 49 instead of 47 degrees (For you publishers in the rest of the world, that's 9.44444 and 8.33333 C), so I have not one but two ironclad reasons to end this show whenever I see fit and there is nothing Mr. Bushkin can do about it.

    I didn't even have to come out here in the first place. You just remember that if you ever grow up and become a Blog Promoter. You can't just push people around. Especially those of us who have achieved Spiritual Perfection! Now, just as soon as I get the female SS officers I was promised, this show is over!

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Red State Update: Episode 40: This Ain't My First Racist Ro
    Friday, February 14th, 2014
    9:43 am
    It's Valentine's Day, You Bastards
    Happy Valentine's Day! This is the big one. The Super Bowl, or Big Game, if you don't have the express written consent of the NFL to use the words Super and Bowl, of Romance. And since it falls on a Friday this year, it means the Love Fest won't end until Sunday. All because Saint Valentine was beaten to death and then beheaded on February 14, 270, for the crime of performing marriages in Rome after Claudius the Cruel forbade them.

    At least that's the commonly agreed upon story. There are other possible years and locations, as well as other details and at least three early Saints with some connection to February 14 are known but the one thing they seem to agree on is that a guy named Valentine was tortured to death on what we now call Valentine's Day.

    My own theory is that St. Valentine didn't limit himself to "traditional" marriages and when Claudius the Cruel, one of the first Family Value Conservative politicians, found out he was performing Gay marriages, that's when the orders to kill him were issued. Now, let's fast forward a few centuries to February 14, 1929, because that's when a a very romantic businessman named Al Capone decided to remind everyone of the holiday's bloody roots by arranging for seven people to be shot to death in a garage in Chicago.

    That's why you're up to your elbows in cards, flowers and candy today. All those people died so you can feel loved and get lucky with this weekend. I don't want to take that away from you. I really don't. But I do want to propose a change in the holiday. Nothing big. Just a small change that veers away from the extreme gore and bloodshed that have defined this holiday thus far.

    If you're alarmed because you don't like change and you're reluctant to fix something that's not broken, I dig where you're coming from but hear me out. Right now, history is giving us the chance to create a brand new St Valentine and maybe we can change the direction of this holiday for the better without messing up the parts of it that we like.

    Have you heard about the kid who conned Walmart out of a bunch of money: Teen Tricks Walmart Out of Over $24K, Police Say ( I nominate him to be the new St. Valentine. Are you starting to see the beauty of this yet?

    We aren't entirely tossing history and tradition into the trash and starting from scratch. This kid will be crucified by the state but it will be a kinder, gentler crucifixion that won't involve him actually being killed. That's advantage #1. You will no longer be guilt-ridden over getting lots of sex because someone died. Advantage #2 is that because he is a minor, we don't know who he is or why he did it and neither will future historians.

    That means we can make his story whatever we want it to be and everyone will accept it because we were when it happened, right at Ground Zero. We can say that he is a modern day who was robbing from the rich and intending to give to the poor before he was stopped by the evil King of Oklahoma. Walmart's reputation for being greedy and unfeeling is already well established, so don't have to do anything in that area.

    Now what we have is a brand new and very popular folk hero, just like Bonnie & Clyde, John Dillinger, et al, who became beloved because they tried to even the playing field by stealing from the thieves who were trying to ruin everyone's lives. In the 1930's, it was the banks. In the 2010's, it's the banks and Walmart.

    And our hero, unlike Saints Bonnie & Clyde, does it without a gun. And what makes you more romantic? People getting killed or Walmart staff being humiliated? Our new St. Valentine is not only going to make the sex better but he's also going to be a reminder that we can get what we want without a bunch of innocent tellers and bystanders getting shot. Even better, he will inspire more people to follow his example.

    Maybe it won't solve all our problems but it's a step in the right direction. And even if it fails, can you say no to getting in on the ground-floor of creating a brand new legend that over time is going to be accepted as fact? This is your chance to make your mark on history! For the first and quite possibly only time ever, you have the opportunity to turn your wild guesses and off the wall theories into inarguable historical truths. No one will ever dare question you or accuse you making everything up and even if they do, someone on FOX News will defend you by saying something akin to, "Santa is white! HE JUST IS!"

    Now that we have securely shifted all future Valentine's Days away from being celebrations of needless bloodshed to celebrations of little people getting even with massive soulless corporations in a nonviolent manner, let's get this one final blood based Valentine's Day rolling by bringing out Fifi, my Sommelier, so she can unveil the Theme Drink she Invented for tonight:


    Valentine's Day Love Potion


    1 oz Vodka (Absolut)
    1 oz Amaretto
    1 oz Peach schnapps
    1 oz Orange juice
    1 oz Cranberry juice
    Ice Cubes

    Mixing instructions:

    Pour ingredients into shaker with ice, shake and serve on the rocks.


    Now comes the time when we must remember that Valentine's Day is also a feast but not just any old feast. It's based on the Feast of Lupercalia, which was a pagan festival of love. "Festival Of Love" is what they used to call orgies back in the day. Accordingly, tonight's Featured Party Game is Binders Full Of Girls Covered With Body Icing. Bon Appetit!

    If you want to recreate tonight's game later with someone special, here's a good place to get started: Now, before we get started, a word of caution. Remember, it's all you can eat but it's not a race or a contest. It's not the county fair, you aren't going to get a blue ribbon for finishing first. Now get in there and start eating!

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Thursday, February 13th, 2014
    4:42 am
    We Did It Because We Didn't Have The Sense To Know It Couldn't Be Done
    The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.

    ~~~Sid Caesar

    Sid has finally done what everyone said he could never do. He wasn't funny. In fact, he wasn't just not funny, he did the unfunniest thing he could ever do and in the process gave us the worst headline of 2014 thus far: TV Comedy Pioneer Sid Caesar Dies at 91 (

    The upside, if you can call it that, is that we have a few surviving hours of his shows instantly available to us wherever we are, whenever we want them. As long as we can get a good Wi-Fi signal. It's a pretty good improvement over the technology that gave us all those shows. As Sid himself once said, "When we could split the screen, it was like 'Wow!'."

    The other upside is that we still have a few of Sid's writers left. You might even have heard of one or two of them: Carl Reiner, Mel Brooks, Woody Allen and Neil Simon. You may have heard of Larry Gelbart, too, who was with us until 2009. Then there's Imogene Coca and Howard Morris, who have both been gone for a while but not all that long.

    Do you people who put all your faith in the Law Of Large Numbers still believe that one guy could assemble all that talent in one place over the span of just a few years just by accident? They were the 1927 Yankees of Comedy. And now their coach, manager and star player has been ejected from the game.

    Sid did, I guess, try to prepare us for this moment when he said, "There's a now, a was, and a gonna be. Now is now, and after now is a was. And what comes after the was is a gonna be. It hasn't happened yet. It's gonna happen as soon as the now is over. But if you have a good now, you're bound to have a good was and a good gonna be." With all due respect, though, I gotta call that one a strike.

    I will say that for as long as he was addicted to alcohol and pills, it's amazing that that he said so few dumb things like that. And now I'm gonna cheer you up even more by closing with a scene from one of my all time favorite movies. I'm also going to point out that up until yesterday, two of the people in the scene you are about to see were alive and today there is only one, Mickey Rooney:


    Every Man For Himself - It's A Mad Mad Mad Mad World (1963)


    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---George Noory, WOC AM 1420
    Wednesday, February 12th, 2014
    10:31 am
    Another Dream
    This is another one that's primarily for you dream researchers and/or amateurs out there who study dreams. The other group that may find it interesting is those of you who get really turned on by peeking into the subconscious of someone else. They say there is a fetish for absolutely everything so I reckon a few of you get a thrill from subconscious voyeurism. And I'm happy to serve.

    The rest of you should probably just go peek in a locker room cause I'm told that physical voyeurism is much more popular and this is likely to bore you. Starting right at the the bottom layer of the foundation because while this dream was vivid, it wasn't lucid, so it probably won't even interest those of you who are only marginally interested in dreams. The next layer of the foundation are the two primary inspirations and I know exactly what they are and that means those of you with a mystery fetish will be largely disappointed.

    For reasons that will be clear in a moment, the entire premise is based on two things, The Joker Goes to School (Batman, Season 1, Episode 15, original broadcast date, March 2, 1966: and the Canadian Beer Fridge (Beer Fridge in Olympic Village Opens Only With Canadian Passport: It started with me sitting at a desk in a large open plan office...Not a modern cubicle farm, so if you find yourself desperate to write your next paper on this one and need to stretch it a little, you can add Mad Men to the list of basic inspirations. It's not really true but as long as your Prof or the editor of whatever journal you publish it in, doesn't find out, you'll be fine...when, feeling the need for a Pepsi Max, I got up and wandered to the end of the office and found a break room with a few vending machines in it.

    They were all of the standard make and variety except for the last three to the left. They were extraordinarily plain, seemingly designed only for function. They also had a futuristic feel to them as they were all metallic, not a bit of plastic. There was also no signage on them except for one small sign on the last machine. For no apparent reason, I was drawn to these three machines as if I knew what they would do.

    I stopped at the first of them and pressed one of its' (Unmarked) buttons, waited for the clinking sound to end and then extracted from the dispensing tray several handfuls of assorted coins. Then I repeated the process. At the second machine, I pushed one of the buttons and extracted an ice cold beer from its' tray. I was in the mood for a Pepsi Max but I'm not picky. The beer worked just fine.

    The third machine had no buttons, just a handle protruding from a semi-circular covered serving area, which I grasped and moved to the left, to reveal a battery. A Duracell battery, which matched the name on the small sign on the machine. This is the biggest and most important part of this dream because many dream "Experts" continue to claim that printed matter in dreams never reads the same way twice. They say that if you read something while dreaming, look away and then look back, whatever it was will have changed.

    This has never been my experience and this dream is just the latest example of how that rule doesn't apply to me. If it's a genuine rule, that is. More likely, it's just a guess. Like the guess they masquerade as another rule that says you will never see anyone in a dream that you don't already know. But I digress, because that one doesn't really apply to this dream.

    Maybe. I did meet someone at the end of this one that I don't remember ever meeting before but memory is faulty so that one could be true. I have no way of knowing either way, so I'll just get back on track by saying that the sign and the battery always said Duracell. Now, if in addition to dreams, you also research Astral Projection, you know that a lot of the AP experts claim that when this happens, you are not really dreaming at all. They say this is a solid indication that you are actually on a journey somewhere on the Astral Plain.

    That will be really cool if it turns out to be true but since it's another thing I have no way of knowing at this point, I'll just say that if I wasn't dreaming but actually doing these things, I wasn't here. Because here, vending machines only dispense coins for free in TV shows and the only place you'll find free beer from a machine is in the Olympic Village and then only if you have a Canadian Passport.

    Another thing I will say, just in case you're writing off Astral Projection as a bunch of New-Age hooey, is that you should visit a Quantum Physics lab and have the scientists there show you all kinds of things that are "Impossible." Things that are far more unbelievable than AP. And yet they can be done, right there in front of your very eyes. Add to that that we still don't know what consciousness is or where it resides and how the guys in the physics labs can show you how Bilocation, and multilocation are not only real but happening around you all the time and maybe you won't be quite so skeptical of Astral Projection anymore.

    Anyway, I'm not here to transport you ordinary dream researchers to the next level of exploration, so I'll just drop Astral Projection and get to the end of the dream. Which is really boring but you're not going to get your paper published without it, so for you, I'll relate it.

    After using the three vending machines, I walked to the right, through a door, into a corridor and then through another set of doors to find another set of vending machines. Ordinary ones, unlike the three extraordinary ones in the previous room. There was also a person there. Someone I have no memory of but who knows? It could have been someone I've already met.

    Anyway, after some ordinary small talk, he started arguing with me. Asking if I had taken too much. If you're into symbolism, I say that this person represents the insane modern theory that all retail stores should only have 24 hours of stock on hand at any one time. I don't know who the idiot was that came up with that idea but I will give him this much, he is a master salesman because he sold it to almost everybody and that's why stores frequently have trouble keeping things in stock and they give you dirty looks if you want to stock up on something. As if it's your fault they're retarded.

    I guess I'm probably digressing again but I didn't really have anything else, since that's where this dream just faded away to nothing. As always, like any good detective, I left out a few pertinent details, so anyone claiming to be a psychic can easily prove it by giving me those details. And that's it. It was a rather boring and pointless dream but it does have some redeeming value in that it shows that "Experts" don't always know what they're talking about.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Red State Update: Episode 40: This Ain't My First Racist Ro
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