Greg's Blurty
[Most Recent Entries] [Calendar View] [Friends]

Below are 20 journal entries, after skipping by the 20 most recent ones recorded in Greg's Blurty:

    [ << Previous 20 -- Next 20 >> ]
    Saturday, November 15th, 2014
    9:18 am
    It's Song Saturday, You Bastards
    Hi and welcome to Song Saturday ( You can blame this one on election hangover if you want. If you like Frank Zappa, you can thank the election for putting me in the mood for this one. Strictly speaking, it's is a criticism of repairmen of all kinds but it applies so well to politicians that I call it a political protest song. Especially right now. But if you're happy with the way the election turned out, I'm sure you've had to have had something like your car or computer or cable fixed in the past, so you'll be able to relate to it, too, on its's surface level. I'm putting the lyrics at the end because it's so much fun to sing along. Here then, direct from 1979, is Frank Zappa with Flakes:


    Frank Zappa - Flakes


    Flakes! Flakes!
    Flakes! Flakes!

    They don't do no good
    They never be workin'
    When they oughta should
    They waste your time
    They're wastin' mine
    California's got the most of them
    Boy, they got a host of them
    Swear t'God they got the most
    At every business on the coast
    Swear t'God they got the most
    At every business on the coast
    They got the Flakes

    Flakes! Flakes!

    They can't fix yer brakes
    You ask 'em, "Where's my motor?"
    "Well it was eaten by snakes . . ."
    You can stab 'n' shoot 'n' spit
    But they won't be fixin' it
    They're lyin' an' lazy
    They can be drivin' you crazy
    Swear t'God they got the most
    At every business on the coast
    Swear t'God they got the most
    At every business on the coast
    [Take it away, Bob. . .]

    I asked as nice as I could
    If my job would
    Somehow be finished by Friday
    Well, the whole damn weekend
    Came 'n' went, Frankie
    [Wanna buy some mandies, Bob?]
    'N'they didn't do nothin'
    But they charged me double for Sunday
    You know, no matter what you do
    They gonna cheat 'n' rob you
    Then they'll send you a bill
    That'll get your senses reelin'
    And if you do not pay
    They got computer collectors
    That'll get you so crazy
    Til your head'll go through th' ceilin'
    Yes it will!

    I'm a moron 'n' this is my wife
    She's frosting a cake
    With a paper knife
    All what we got here's
    American made
    It's a little bit cheesey,
    But it's nicely displayed
    Well we don't get excited when it
    Crumbles 'n' breaks
    We just get on the phone
    And call up some Flakes
    They rush on over
    'N' wreck it some more
    'N' we are so dumb
    They're linin' up at our door
    Well, the toilet went crazy
    Yesterday afternoon
    The plumber he says
    "Never flush a tampon!"
    This great information
    Cost me half a week's pay
    And the toilet blew up
    Later on the next day ay-eee-ay
    Blew up the next day WOO-OOO

    We are millions 'n' millions
    We're coming to get you
    We're protected by unions
    So don't let it upset you
    Can't escape the conclusion
    It's probably God's Will
    That civilization
    Will grind to a standstill
    And we are the people
    Who will make it all happen
    While yer children is sleepin',
    Yer puppy is crappin'
    You might call us Flakes
    Or something else you might coin us
    But we know you're so greedy
    That you'll probably join us
    We're comin' to get you, we're comin' to get you
    We're comin' to get you, we're comin' to get you
    We're comin' to get you, we're comin' to get you
    We're comin' to get you, we're comin' to get you

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Red State Update: Episode 40: This Ain't My First Racist Ro
    9:17 am
    Submitted for your approval: I'm gullible. Very very gullible. At least sometimes. I know a lot of my Conservative fans have been waiting a long time for me to admit it and I hope they're savoring this moment. Because I bought, hook, line and sinker, Glenn Beck's story about his big scary brain disease. Every single bit of it. Before I go on, let me show you my Come To Jesus moment:


    Glenn Beck’s Secret Brain Trouble, How He ‘Fixed' It Is Most Troubling Of All


    Thank God for Cenk and everyone else at TYT, for showing me the light. The final jury is still out because there is a very tiny and extremely remote chance it might turn out that there is more truth to Glenn's story than meets the eye but this intermediate jury has decided and the verdict is: We find the defendant guilty of outright premeditated fakery in the first degree with aggravating factors.

    If we were in Texas, it would be way more than enough to ship him off to Death Row right now. But since this is Illinois, all we can do is say is that he's an even bigger liar than we thought he was. And now what? I'm sure all you Glenn Beck groupies are going to continue worshiping him. Until he leaves you, the same way Sarah did ( And even then, you'll still worship him cause that's just how smart you are.

    UNLESS he switches to being a Liberal now. And he has set himself up for that, hasn't he? You heard Cenk talk about his financial situation, which he really didn't have to do because everyone knows it. When the Koch Brothers cut off what's left of his welfare, he's sunk. And if you don't believe that, do a little research. He has worse ratings than Rush and look at him: Rush Limbaugh's California Ratings Debacle Talker's LA Station Trails Local College Radio Outlets (

    OK, so facing bankruptcy, what does do? He turns his ordinary panic attacks into a big fictional disease (It is a real disease but he doesn't have it) that accounts for all the crazy things he has said in the past and now he's free to be anything he wants. And believe it or not, even as insane as he clearly is, he is still a million more times smarter than his idiot fans and he needs to divorce them. Because they are useless and whatever tiny use they do have is being negated by them dying in droves because they are so old.

    This also explains why Glenn spent so much time on his show yesterday raging against claims that he faked the whole thing. And what if he does the logical thing and goes to the Liberal side...You know, he could have a shot of getting a good cable show just like Bill ( and speaking of Bill, did you know that his upcoming appearance at the Adler on November 23 ( is being advertised on the Nazi station ( Is that just part of a blind media buy that makes no sense or does it mean that most of the few people who listen to WOC are really Liberals like me who are interested in seeing Bill's show?...What happens if Glenn switches sides and comes to the Light Side of the Force?

    Will I support him? Of course. I will never stop taking jabs at him for all the crazy evil things he's said but I will welcome him. Glenn knows that and he also knows that I and everyone else like me actually have jobs and money. And money is all he cares about but that really doesn't bother me. In fact, it's probably a good that he bled his stupid Conservative fans dry because otherwise they would have bought more guns and more crazy people with more guns is something we don't need.

    And even if he doesn't go Liberal and chooses to make his fake religious movies or whatever, which he also has been talking about since it became evident that Conservatism is dead, at least he won't be spreading insane political drivel anymore. In any case, this is one Conservative talker down with Rush, Bill O'Reilly, Dennis Miller, Sean Hannity and all of FOX News soon to follow. And if you love irony, the best part is that Glenn was the only one smart enough to give himself an exit strategy. As absurd as faking a brain disease is, it's still a way out and it puts him at the head of the pack. And don't forget the other added bonus for all you Conservatives. I bought his story and had to admit how gullible I am.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Red State Update: Episode 40: This Ain't My First Racist Ro
    Friday, November 14th, 2014
    4:08 am
    It's Friday, You Bastards
    This has been a massively disappointing week. Yesterday, Glenn Beck ( announced that he has been fighting a serious illness for years. So far, so good. But, when you read past the headline (Media personality Glenn Beck reveals he was seriously ill with mystery disease that left him 'curled up in a ball' with pain: you discover that he is now, "On the mend."

    This is just like when the Grinch stole Arbor Day! Christmas? Are you sure it was Christmas? Fine, whatever. I knew he stole some major holiday. The point is that this is just as bad. No. It's worse than that. This is just like New Year's Eve Eve, 2009. Do you remember that day? Or have you blocked it out of your memory cause it's just too painful?

    Allow me to help by bringing back all that pain and frustration in living color. On December 30, 2009, Rush Limbaugh was rushed to the Queen's Medical Center in Honolulu because he was suffering chest pains (Rush Limbaugh Rushed to Hospital: And we were all so happy. It was going to be the best New Year's ever because it was to be the very first one we had with Rush Limbaugh being dead.

    But then misfortune struck. A few hours later, it was announced that Rush was fine and resting comfortably. Then they said that no cause for the chest pains could be found. So we can only conclude that the whole thing was just a huge publicity stunt. To make things worse, Ted Kennedy had just died in August (Ted Kennedy, Senate's Liberal Lion, Dies:

    This is just more proof that the Grim Reaper does not play fair. He had a perfect opportunity to balance Ted's death with the death of pure evil but he didn't. It was also a chance for him to prove that he has a big sense of humor. Can you imagine the look on Rush's face, because he thought the whole thing was a put-on, if his doctors had said, "Mr. Limbaugh, you really are dying?"

    But no. The Reaper did the exact opposite. And now he's doing the same thing with Glenn Beck. About the nicest thing we can say about Grimmy is that he made Andrew Breitbart die at the age of 43 at the Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center (Andrew Breitbart Dead: Conservative Blogger Dies Suddenly At 43: That was a nice gesture (And injecting Dutch into it was just brilliant) and there have been some other ones but on the whole, we have to conclude that the Grim Reaper works for the other side. Or at least he mostly does.

    So what can we do about it? Not much. Except, I guess, to be thankful that life keeps giving us reasons like this to drink. And on a day like this, it even spurs me to quote the late great Dean Martin, "I really feel sorry for you folks that don't drink. No, I mean it. When you wake up in the morning, that's the best you're gonna feel all day." Dean also once said, "No, I don't drink anymore. I freeze it now and eat it like a Popsicle."

    Dean said a whole lot of other amazingly appropriate things, too, but if you want to hear them, all you have to do is Google, "Dean Martin Quotes." What you can't Google, at least not yet, is this, the Theme Drink that Fifi, my Sommelier, invented for tonight:


    Undead Republicans


    1 part Rumple Minze
    1 part Jägermeister
    1 part Goldschlager

    Mixing instructions:

    Fill a shot glass equally in parts with Rumple Minze, Jägermeister, and Goldschlager.


    Now, since we have this massively disappointing news about Glenn Beck's health right on the heels of a massively disappointing election, this week's Featured Party Game has been specially designed to restore your faith in humanity and the Grim Reaper. It's called Binders Full Of Girls Playing Strip Murder In The Dark.

    It's pretty much the same as every other Murder Mystery party game you've ever seen but with an interesting surprise or two thrown in for good measure. It, along with the drink, should get you through to Monday, when life will start presenting you with a whole new set of reasons to drink.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---George Noory, WOC AM 1420
    Thursday, November 13th, 2014
    9:15 am
    Double Standards

    Lesbians On The Prowl For Straight Women. Why?


    Ben ( says something in this video that really struck me, "Some double standards are OK." The reason it really struck me is that there is one double standard I really want preserved because it rocks. The one that says it's OK for female teachers to have to sex with their male students. It's not legally accepted, of course, not yet anyway, cause they'll arrest you and your career will be pretty much over if you do it but as far society in general goes, you won't be thought any less of and you can get another job doing anything but teaching.

    The reason this is important to me is I might die and come back as a boy again and should that happen, I want one of those teachers. Nay, not just one. I want a lot of them. Not that I believe in reincarnation but I don't disbelieve it, either. I think it's entirely possible. And if it is real, it does solve a few mysteries and answers a few questions, not to mention how it's supported by String Theory. And if I get stuck here again, I want to spend Junior High and High School having sex with hot teachers.

    But what if I come back as a girl or as a boy who's Gay? Well, then, in that case, I want the end to all the student/teacher double standards. What if I come back as a straight girl who wants to have sex with a male teacher? I want to be able to do it without everyone making a big deal out of it. Likewise if I'm Gay, either male or female. If an attractive teacher with the right configuration wants to have sex with me, I don't want it ruined by a bunch of stupid rules.

    Of course, some people say that breaking stupid rules is most of the fun and I don't want to ruin it for them by making it acceptable but I will because I don't get turned on by the risk of getting caught. I have no experience with the illegal age thing (To all my former teachers, thanks for nothing!) but I have dated a surprisingly high number of women who love having sex in public places. I'm fine with the sex part and the exotic locations part but the risk doesn't do anything for me.

    That is subject to change, of course, if I get reincarnated with a love for that kind of risk. Some of you Low Information Readers are going to say that makes me selfish and self-serving, as if I think the whole world should revolve around me. That's ridiculous. If the world revolved around me, it would be a disaster. For one thing, I don't have enough mass to keep the Earth in a stable orbit and for another thing, just admit that I'm right, you're wrong and just start seeing things my way.

    Of course, if reincarnation isn't real or I simply don't come back here for some reason (Which is likely since most people who claim to know such things say that highly evolved perfect people don't come back here. But if that were true, why am I here now? I guess it just proves that there are glaring mistakes in every system, including reincarnation), I really won't care about any of this and you can do whatever you want.

    After I'm dead. While I'm still here, some of these double standards that Ana and Ben talked about in the video do bother me, just as they do them. Why do Gay or I guess bisexual men, not have the same rights as bisexual women? It's stupid, so quit doing it. And legalize sex in public places so I don't have to worry about getting caught. If you don't want to tell the girls who get turned on by it being illegal, that's fine, even chivalrous. If you want to be a hero to them and really build up your Karma score, it's entirely up to you, cause I'm leaving the details up to you. The technical name for that is "Making Everyone Happy" and it's quite doable. Just ask any politician.

    Before someone out there makes a fool of him or herself by accusing me of getting off-topic, I suppose we should go back to talking about double standards and how some of them are fine. I just can't think of any of the fine ones at the moment so I guess we'll just end this one right here. When I do remember one that's OK, you'll be the first to know. In the meantime, the Comment Section is open, so you can tell me your favorite double standards and the ones you think we should drop and if you do a good job, I won't even have to tell you how wrong you are. Whatever you do, don't make me go through Junior High and High School again without banging my teachers! And to be really safe, you better put me on the school board, too, so the right kind of teachers get hired in the first place.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Wednesday, November 12th, 2014
    6:25 am
    Baby Steps
    I've just spent another hour or so listening to Rush ( talk about how the Democrats, along with all their ideals and policies, were rejected last week. Soundly, totally and utterly rejected by every American citizen. Except for the one or two crazy people like me who voted for Democrats. It was very enlightening, just as Rush always is. I do wonder, though, why he never brought up Personhood, which failed fantastically. Even in NORTH DAKOTA. And Pot and the Minimum Wage which fantastically succeeded, except for Pot in Florida where it where it GOT 58% OF THE VOTE but lost anyway because it had to get 60% of the vote and that was only because Sheldon Adelson poured millions into the race at the last minute and through outright lies, convinced just barely enough people to vote against it.

    I also wonder why he didn't bring this up: 90 Pounds Of Cocaine Found On Cargo Ship Owned By Anti-Drug Senator’s Family ( Are all you Conservative Kentuckians who voted for Mitch McConnell proud of yourselves for keeping a drug lord in the Senate? Are all you Rush Limbaugh fans happy now that you know where he gets his cocaine from?

    Will the next big Mitch McConnell story reveal that he also provides all of Rush's underage male prostitutes? And will it keep you Conservatives from voting for him? Probably not. But it might be just the thing to get all the Liberals out to vote against him. Talk about being kicked when you're down. Your candidates won but the hardest of the hard core among you soundly rejected your agenda and now you have to worry about the next time all the Liberals decide to vote and one of your biggest heroes is just making things worse.

    Of course, your ace in the hole, your end of the world fantasies...Which aren't really fantasies at all. Oh, the world itself will be fine but most life, including us will gone...just might come true before you have to endure that well deserved humiliation. Sometimes, I think there might be time for us to fix things and save most of the human race but most of the time, I think it's already too late because the timetables are too optimistic and you low information people aren't taking any chances. Almost everyday, there's a new development like this: Top Congressional Republicans slam U.S.-China climate deal (

    That's why I think you suicidal/homicidal maniacs can do it. Can you imagine what the aliens studying us are thinking and saying about us? We're letting a few stupid old people in one backwards and superstitious but very powerful country determine the fate of the entire race. I call it Bubba's Revenge. I know that President Clinton's nickname is Bubba but that's just an unfortunate coincidence.

    The real Bubba's are going to get even for all those White Trash jokes. In a very big way. Unless a miracle happens and since everything as far as we're concerned, including this post, is over if it doesn't and I still haven't hit my word count for this one yet, let's assume that a miracle will happen.

    In that case, I want to talk about Pot and New York City. Specifically, this: N.Y.'s de Blasio should lead on weed ( And what I want to say about it is this: Why are we letting Bubba even win in New York City?

    What is with all these baby steps? Why don't we just undo what never should have been done in the first place by making Pot legal everywhere for everyone? And it's not just Pot. We need to do it with Marriage Equality, Equal Pay, the Minimum Wage and a million other issues.

    Haven't we let the guys who sit on the porch all day playing the theme to Deliverance (Full Disclosure: I love Dueling Banjos) be in charge for long enough? Mountain Man and Toothless Man need to be put out to pasture. And we totally blew our latest opportunity to do it. Let's not blow our opportunity to put their hero, Mitch, in jail for selling drugs. And then to rub salt in the wound, let's legalize Coke the next day. Is that enough words yet? It is? Awesome! I'm not going to ruin everything by checking, I'm just going to trust you. Over and out.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Tuesday, November 11th, 2014
    8:34 am
    It's Veterans Day, You Bastards
    Individually, there are a lot of great Americans who really do appreciate and honor our Veterans but as a group, we suck. On the whole, you might as well call Veterans Day in the US, Fake Day. We take these people, who are mostly very young and use them up mentally and physically and then toss them out in the trash. At the same time, we think we can make everything better by uttering maddeningly insincere phrases like, "Thank you for your service." And give tiny little insignificant discounts at restaurants and other places.

    I could bombard you with page after page of stats and stories that prove my point but I'll limit myself to just a handful. Starting with these two, Purple Hearts On Death Row: War Damaged Vets Should Not Be Executed By the State ( and The Death Penalty and Combat Vets (

    Say whatever you want about how much we appreciate these people but it won't mean a thing until we stop locking them up and even trying to kill them for doing the things we trained them to do. Do I think they should be free? Of course not. They are a danger to themselves and others but they shouldn't be in prison, they should be in hospitals getting treatment.

    And then there is the economy that we wrecked while they were out protecting our freedom so they could come home to this, Homelessness soars among US Iraq and Afghanistan war veterans ( And then there's the VA. Here is just one article but if you want to spend the rest of your life looking into it, you will never run out of things to read: VA problems (

    There's more. Tons more but what it all boils down to is what I said just a minute ago, we suck. Big time. We keep talking about how much we care while doing the exact opposite. If the road to Heaven were paved with good intentions, we'd have it made but, as the old saying goes, we are going straight to Hell.

    But today is a holiday. Sort of. Most people have to work but if you're a mailperson or banker, you've got it made. For the rest of us, we have this, the Theme Drink that Fifi, my Sommelier, invented for today:


    Fake Day Guilt Eraser


    1-1/2 oz Absolut Kurant
    1/2 oz Triple sec
    1 splash Cranberry juice

    Mixing instructions:

    Put into mixing glass all of above. Mix well, pour into cocktail glass.


    Of course, we also have plenty of the official beverage of the US Armed Forces, Budweiser. Either way, if you have enough, you should be able to sleep tonight. And to really get into the military mood, we also have today's Featured Party Game: Binders Full Of Girls Dressed Like Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS.

    Sure, Ilsa fought for the other side but given the way we treat our Veterans, can you blame her? And this is not a new thing, either. Things have always been like this, they just keep getting worse and that just provides with another way to shrug off our guilt. Because we can pretend that we used to be better when we really weren't. We were just not quite this bad. Anyway, let's drink up and set a new record for saying, "Thank you for your service," so tomorrow we can go back to treating them like garbage.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Monday, November 10th, 2014
    9:07 am
    Overstocked And Undersmart
    As I've said before, I love guns ( I always will and it was only in the relatively near past that I've jumped on the Gun Control bandwagon (And even given that, if guns get completely banned and they shut down all the ranges, it won't bother me all that much. I don't own any guns and how many more do I need to shoot at the range? If they went away, I'd just do something else). And it's not because I think a ton of new gun laws will really help save a lot to save lives---They'll help a little but I'm not sure they'll do enough to be worth the effort---but what they unquestionably will do is cause lots of right wing gun nuts to have strokes and heart attacks. And that is definitely worth the effort in my opinion.

    I'm talking about the kind of nuts that give me comments on Blogster. The Mr. Rightwing's, Furies and No Nads. I don't know if any of them are actually into guns but the odds are pretty high that they are and even if they aren't, they still perfectly represent the people I'm talking about in every other way. You see, I live in Rock Island, Illinois and those online personalities are the least of my vexing problems. I'm surrounded and outnumbered by the Mr. Rightwing's, Furies and No Nads of the world in real life everyday.

    They are all like Jim (, believe it or not, Jim is much smarter than they are, which probably explains why he has a radio show and they don't---and a full 95% of them are gun nuts. On top of that, they are, to put it politely, not the sharpest knives in the drawer.

    To fully illustrate this point, I have this article: America's gun stores are overstocked ( If you don't have the time or desire to go read it, don't worry because the whole thing can be summed up with this one tiny part: Fifer called out "that guy with $25,000 worth of credit line hoping he's going to get $100 million worth of product before the surge ended."

    The small-time gun store owner with $25,000 in credit who thinks he's going to get $100 million worth of guns is the real hero of this story. They perfectly represent what the Republicans mean when they talk about how good they are with money and how good they are with business. And now that the gun pyramid scheme is beginning to collapse, even the big guys who always supported them, the gun makers and banks, are backing off and saying, "Wow, you guys are stupid. Way too stupid to do business with."

    It's exactly the same thing with all these new Republicans these people elected because they are going to abandon all the people who voted for them. The customers who are even dumber than the people who sell them guns. If so many innocent people weren't going be be hurt so badly, it would be funny.

    But at least we can laugh at the gun stores and their customers. And every time a Republican tries to tell you how good he is at business, you can point to the above article and laugh your head off at him. Remember, these are the people who are constantly telling you that you don't understand capitalism. You should probably do it fast, too. Because we're way overdue for a big school shooting (We have small ones all the time but they barely even get news coverage now) that will create another surge of gun buying...IF these gun nuts have any money left. And that's the other big problem facing them.

    All the gun hysteria in the world isn't going to translate into more gun sales if most of the nuts are unemployed and the ones who have jobs keep getting paid less. Once these idiots run out of disposable income, the gun market will simply dry up and blow away. It's yet another reason you people need to smarten up and start voting for people who are really on your side.

    There is one bright side and it belongs to you who are very anti-gun. Amid all the other carnage they're causing, the Conservatives are also killing the gun business at the same time. So you are getting something out of this Red Wave. And even people like me are getting a few laughs out of it among all the tears.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Sunday, November 9th, 2014
    12:01 am
    This Week's Sermon

    For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.

    ~~~Mark 10:45 New International Version (NIV)


    Normally, I take requests. Because a successful preacher is no different from a successful DJ. We both get to the top and stay there by giving our listeners what they want. Concert tickets, movie tickets, bumper stickers, refrigerator magnets, key chains, dinner for two at Red Lobster, CD's and whatever else happens to be in the prize closet all go to the twelfth caller. Bigger prizes like cars and boats can be had for a little more effort, such as spending the weekend in a van with nine other people and the one who gets out last gets the car. And here in the Church, it's exactly the same. Except we've streamlined the prize list. Instead of all those aforementioned bobbles, we give Eternal Salvation.

    In all other ways, though, our business models are identical. And that includes taking requests. When there's a hit you want to hear, it's my job to play it. Well, actually, I perform it live but same difference. I don't have to worry about formats, either. God hasn't released any new material in over 2000 years, so you couldn't request anything but a golden oldie even if you wanted to.

    But not this week. I'm too frazzled. Just follow the usual procedure, write down what you want, Original Sin, Sodom and Gomorrah, The Story Of Lot's Wife or whatever else you want on a 50 or 100 dollar bill, put it in the collection plate or take advantage of our new credit card service and when you sign, put your request in the comment section and I will get to it when I am more relaxed.

    And don't feel bad. You're hardly the most important person I've turned down this week. Glenn Beck called me earlier this week and said, "Hey man, this Sunday can you tell your flock about how Obama is going to ban the Bible? I'm doing a TV special for the end of the year ( and I can use all the advance buzz I can get."

    Under normal circumstances, I couldn't say no to him because of professional courtesy. That's right, because Glenn belongs to two cults that are even crazier than this one, the Mormons and the ULC Ministries, where he is actually an ordained Minister (, he gets to make requests for free. So he was just as surprised as you were when I told him, "Sorry, Glenn. I got too much going on this week."

    Then I went on to explain all my troubles. About how my belief in God ended and my Atheism was restored on Tuesday night and how I already wrote a beautiful sermon called, "Thanks For Nothing, God!" And how now I can't use it because my Agent and lawyers along with everyone else's Agents and lawyers got involved.

    That's when I found out that what I thought was simple short-term contract between me, God, the Atheist's Union and Satan was really a thoroughly tangled mess of legal spaghetti between all of them plus about thirty different churches here, a bunch of independent preachers, the dozen or so companies that make my licensed merchandise, IHOP (This week after the service is over, try the Caramel Bon Bon Pancakes: and ESPN (I'm not sure why they're involved unless it's because they have the exclusive television rights to our Sunday night oil wrestling matches) and if I stop believing in God, all of them are going to sue me. And each other. This is just like when The Beatles broke up. Except it's a lot more complicated.

    When I finished explaining all that to Glenn, he was very understanding, he said, "Greg, we all have problems and the best way to solve them is to remember your duty to professional courtesy." I countered with, "Even on a good day, it would be hard to sell the idea of Obama banning the Bible. And how would I spin that into being a bad thing for me? Have you ever watched Boardwalk Empire? The government banning stuff is what makes guys like us really rich and everyone knows that."

    He replied, "YOU know that and I know that but those morons in your congregation don't!" I then had to tell him that he was mixing you up with his own listeners again and that's when he got downright hostile. And after a few more heated words, he hung up on me. I think it's going to be a cold day in Miami in August before I ever get invited back to be on the Glenn Beck Show.

    Fortunately, I have bigger things to worry about. I wanna go back to being an Atheist! This is a violation of my Religious Freedom! And I can't even use the sermon I worked so hard on! And I'm definitely not in the mood to take any requests from any of you, I mean any of you, my valued and beloved flock.

    So I think this is a sign from God that I should use today to remind you that you are here to serve me. As if His email that said, "HA! You're Mine for life! Or until your lawyers figure a way out for you and good luck with that! Instead of being angry, why don't you deal with it by just letting the doo-doo roll down hill?" wasn't already a big enough sign.

    You'll notice that God is a very classy guy. He won't swear, even in private emails. Which is a lot more than I can say for Glenn Beck. You should have heard some of the words he used on the phone the other day. He said things that'd curl your hair. Some people just don't care about their public images but that's beside the point.

    What isn't beside the point is what Mark said about you being put here to serve me, "For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." Did you get that, junior? Even Jesus Himself was sent here to serve me! Of course, you have it a little better than He did because no one is asking you to give your life. At least not yet. If something does come up that would require you to make the supreme sacrifice for me, I'll let you know.

    Right now, today, I have just one assignment for you. I want you to talk my bodyguard, Faith. She's upset---So much so, that she claims she has a bad headache that prevents her from being in the mood every night and that must stop---because the last time I used her in a post (, I cut all her lines. I want you to explain to her that if everyone got a speaking part, the whole production would become bloated and unreadable. I know that, given what I've just told you, you're going to be tempted to tell her to shut up and just accept that she was put here to do my bidding and obey my every whim just as you have but for God's sake, don't do it.

    All that is 100% true but when you're explaining it to Slayers, you have to use a more diplomatic approach. Unless you want to be broken in half and left to slowly bleed to death. And if you did that, my maids would complain about the mess so stop thinking about yourself for once and do what I tell you to do. And how I tell you to do it.

    Explain to her that it isn't at all unfair that Buffy gets a speaking part every time...In fact that just proves how equal they are! And do it in a way that isn't going to cause her to kill you in a messy way that will just anger my maids. I got enough headaches without having to deal with them, too! When you finish that mission, if you survive, I think I'm going to send you to see God. To lean on Him until He see's things our way.

    And I think that will be enough for this week. You do, after all, have to go out and do your regular job, too, so you can keep the collection plate overflowing. If you want to pray and/or play with your magic beads for the prompt return of my Atheism, that's fine, too, just do it on your own time. OK, now that you have your orders, the only thing left to say is Amen. Dismissed!

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---Lisa Garr, WOC AM 1420
    Saturday, November 8th, 2014
    9:48 am
    It's Saturday, You Bastards
    I was saving this one for Vickie's next Song Saturday ( but since, like my friend Jim used to say, the future's uncertain and the end is always near, I'm doing it now. And you know, Jim told me that when I was 6. Can you imagine what he would be telling me now that I'm 50? And I'm not just 50, I'm dangerously close to being 51 now.

    And then there's another friend of mine, George ( George is a Grim Reaper and we used to be really close. We started out seeing each other at least once a week and soon it was everyday but then, suddenly, we kind of drifted apart (If you ask her, she'll say it was my fault we broke up, that I drove her away from me, but that's total hogwash and if you really want to know what happened, ask me because I'll tell you the truth) but lately, she's been hanging around here a lot again.

    And she's not just hanging out. She's also saying lots of strange cryptic things. Don't make a huge deal out of that because she's always been cryptic. Like one time, she told me, "Let me get this straight. You want to spend the weekend in Vegas without me but with two of your ex girlfriends, even though it's our our anniversary and you think it's OK because I have to work Saturday? Fine. Go. Do whatever you want but don't expect me to be here when you get back." See what I mean? What exactly did she mean by that? No one knows. But she didn't even stop there. She made things worse. Shortly after she said that, she started a huge fight for no reason.

    I know she was upset cause she had to work on Saturday but that's a reason to take it out on me? No! So, you see, it was her, not me. And now she's back. She isn't nearly as upset and angry as she used to be---In fact she's smiling way more than she ever did before. It's almost as though she knows she's about to get something she's wanted for a long time---but she's still cryptic. She keeps saying things like, "You should pack. You never know when you're going to go away on a surprise trip for a very very long time. So long a time that you could even call it forever."

    You'll probably say I'm paranoid and you're probably right but I think she might be trying to tell me I am going away soon. For a very long time. And just in case she's right, I want to present this song before I go. This one concerns another girl I used to see a lot, too, Randi Rhodes ( Randi and I were very close, too. For years, we spent every afternoon between 2 and 5 together (When I was here, when I would go to the East Coast, our date was from 3 to 6 and on the West Coast and other parts of the world, it was so messed up that I can't even tell you when it was. I hope that someday soon the entire world adopts CST so I will no longer be victimized with bizarre time differences) and then one day, she decided to retire and move to Costa Rica.

    I'm not entirely sure why we broke up but you can be certain it was her, not me. And the reason I want to present this song while I'm still here to do it is because you, my ten million loyal daily readers, keep asking, "Why do you always put 'You Bastards,' on every post you put up on Fridays?" And this video answers this question. It's because I still love Randi. In fact, I started doing it almost ten full years before she picked a fine time to leave me. You know, I had a crop in the field at the time. Yep, I've had some bad times, lived through some sad times but this time the hurtin' won't heal. But you didn't come here to hear about how life is so unfair to me, you came here to find out why I always attach "You Bastards" to every Friday and holiday post. And here it is. Randi started all our Friday dates with this and it's why I still do it and will never stop doing it:

    Randi Rhodes: Rusty Warren - Bounce Your Boobies

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Red State Update: Episode 40: This Ain't My First Racist Ro
    Friday, November 7th, 2014
    9:29 am
    It's Friday, You Bastards
    I have heard a lot of really crazy off the wall stuff since Tuesday night and I have bad news for you if you've already placed your bet on what the single most crazy thing I've heard is. Because you likely played the odds and put your money on one of my right-wing Blogster commenters. Someone like Dark, Nomads (Is that a clever play on words that really means No Nads? Someone should ask them. Oh, for those of you who live in Europe, Africa, Asia, Australia and other weird foreign places, Nads is slang for Gonads []) or Righty and that was a good bet because what they do best is crazy.

    But it wasn't a great bet. What you forgot is that there is a reason they sit at home all day collecting welfare and other entitlements, while blaming their situation on Blacks, Gays, Women, Hispanics and Liberals while the rest of us are out there working for a living to support them. Even if you're already retired, because all the various taxes you pay still trickle back to the Conservative Welfare Queens. And that reason is that while they may excel at crazy, they're still just amateurs. The real pros are the ones on TV and Radio. The ones who collect their welfare from the Koch Brothers (Which we pay for too, because we give the oil industry billions in handouts every year and then the Koch's take some of that money and redistribute it to their own Welfare Queens).

    And while the Blogster commenters have tried really hard---My two favorites so far are, "ObamaCare is now kitty litter!" And, "President Cruz is coming!"---it takes a real pro to get the job done and that's why you lost your bet. Yesterday morning, from far back in the pack, Glenn ( poured on a burst of speed and dashed right across the finish line with this, "Yesterday, MLK was smiling!"

    Remember, this was on Thursday, so the yesterday he spoke of would be Wednesday, the day after the election. And for you kids, MLK is Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. ( And that one takes the cake. No one, including me, can say with absolute certainty just how MLK would have reacted on Wednesday if he were here but we can say, with no chance of being wrong, that he would not be smiling.

    Don't feel bad. I was even betting against Glenn. I thought for sure that Rush ( or Dennis ( would beat him. But they didn't and now you're in good company because we all lost.

    It's not over , though. This is a continuing thing, so place your bet on the next round, which started the minute Glenn said, "Yesterday, MLK was smiling." And now you can add a side bet on whether or not some winner of some future round will out-crazy the current over-all leader, Glenn.

    Since it's Friday and we have this big party going on anyway, why don't we celebrate our lost bets with a drink. Plus, you always make better gambling decisions when you're smashed so let's get Fifi, my Sommelier, out here so she can introduce the Theme Drink she invented for tonight:


    Crazy GOP Juice


    2 oz Southern Comfort (100 proof)

    2 oz Cranberry juice

    1 oz Orange juice

    Juice of 1 wedge Lime


    Mixing instructions:

    Mix Southern Comfort and cranberry juice in a glass. Layer orange juice on the top. Squeeze lime over the top of the drink. Holy Jeez, This will make you go crazy! Just like a Republican.


    I don't know exactly how many of those it's going to take to become as crazy as someone who thinks ObamaCare is now kitty litter but we've got all night to find out. While we're waiting to find out, let's multi-task by also playing tonight's Featured Party Game: Binders Full Of Girls Who are Crazier Than Any Republican---In A Way.

    This may not be the kind of crazy you're used to or even the kind crazy you especially like but that's what the Southern Comfort is for. To expand your horizons. And forget this stupid election.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    9:29 am
    It's Friday, You Bastards, Special Sick And Tired Edition
    I don't know about you but I'm already sick and tired of hearing blowhard Republicans talk about victory and mandates. Do you want to see what actually happened on Tuesday? Take a look at this:


    Old People Run The Country For This Simple, Powerful Reason


    There you go, Republicans. Thirty-seven percent of the people who voted were over 60. Twelve percent were under thirty. And because of that, I have to hear really offensive off-the-wall fantasies about the end of ObamaCare and the coming of President Cruz for the next two years. And that's just from the minor leagues.

    The pros are telling me that Martin Luther King would be happy. Dennis Miller is predicting that California will be red soon. He also predicted that California would go for Romney in 2012. And he's so excited that America is tuned in and thinking straight now. All because young people stayed home and senile people turned out in big numbers.

    And no one on the right is talking about Pot and Personhood. The latter failed in North Dakota. NORTH DAKOTA! You miserable losers! You can't even get senile people in one of the most backwards and superstitious places on Earth to embrace one of your core principles. The former passed everywhere it was on the ballot except for Florida, where it only lost by 2 big points.

    And then there's the minimum wage. It passed everywhere it was on the ballot, too. We're talking about deep red states here, too, Arkansas, Nebraska, Alaska and South Dakota (Minimum Wage Raise Passes In Four GOP States: And this all translates into, "Watch out, President CRUZ is coming?"

    According to the retards I talk to and listen to and watch, that's exactly what it translates into. But the truth is completely different. There is no mandate here. There's no real victory here. There's no here here. It's just bunch of idiot losers who have been handed power by an even bigger bunch of idiots and things will swing back in 2016.

    But you know what the bright side is? A lot of those old people who voted on Tuesday won't be alive in 2016. They are dying in droves and I take a lot of comfort in that. I know, you're not supposed to speak ill of the dead and you're not supposed to wish death on the living but I've never believed in that rule and I think even less of it now.

    Just like the Honor Thy Mother And Father Commandment, it needs to be repealed. Some people deserve to not have us wish them dead just as some parents deserve to be honored but it is something that needs to be earned, we shouldn't look at it as an automatic entitlement. And if you voted for Republicans on Tuesday, you haven't earned it and I hope you die soon.

    We don't want or need you...And ironically enough, you voted for people who will do more than wish you dead, they will do everything in their power to actually kill you. I hope you enjoy starving to death when they cut your Social Security. I know I will enjoy hearing about it.

    And I hope there really is a God so He can send you to Hell because you're killing a lot of innocent people who did the right thing along with yourself. Not just old people, either. How many kids are going to die because you chose to be evil? Over 2 million people are going to be without health insurance because of you. Are you really anxious to face Jesus on Judgement Day? I think you're going to have a Hell of a time that day and I hope it happens soon. That's all I have to say for this one except for the Full Disclosure.

    Full Disclosure: I don't believe in any of your fairy-tale religious nonsense but that doesn't stop me from sincerely hoping that you are right and I am wrong because Hell was made for people like you. There, now I'm done. Y'all have a nice day now, ya hear.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Thursday, November 6th, 2014
    12:02 am
    Calmer Now
    Make no mistake, I'm still angry. But not nearly as much as I was yesterday. If you're guessing that the sudden change was artificial and forced, you are correct. My staff, who are revolting on a good day, were especially insufferable yesterday. It began with a nearly endless stream of complaints and unwarranted comments such as, "For the last time, I didn't do anything so shut up and quit yelling at me!" And then, several times, several of them handed me a bottle of Midol while saying, "Here, dear, you need this way more than I do."

    It all culminated in my personal physician, Dr. Morticia Strangelove, forcibly medicating me. That was doubly traumatic because it necessitated, due to my completely rational morbid fear of needles, my bodyguards, Buffy and Faith, turning against me. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against morphine. In fact, I often say, the more morphine, the better. But I do have everything against injections of any kind.

    I asked her why she couldn't just give me pills and she gave some BS made-up excuse about no pills having the necessary strength, so I turned to Buffy, who used to be my favorite Slayer, and who along with Faith, was holding me down and asked, "Et tu, Buffy?" She said, "I know it seems kind of harsh, honey, but trust me, it's better this way. I was just about ten minutes away from driving my biggest stake through your heart."

    Then Dr. Morticia put that horrible needle in my arm and said, "Stop being a baby! It doesn't hurt! And I don't want to alarm you but if this doesn't work, the next dose is going to be fatal. You should consider yourself lucky because several people wanted you killed now but they were outvoted. Barely." This is what we've come to? Things are that bad on the other side? Being subjected to more life here is now considered good luck?

    My Spiritual Adviser, Sister Gidget Bertrille, was there, too. She said, "Don't worry, if we have to put you to sleep, I will be right here at your side the whole time to guide you into the light." She might have said more after that but for some reason, I got really drowsy at that point and fell asleep.

    That's when I began having very vivid dreams. There's one in particular that I want to tell you about because it may be helpful to some of you. Not many of you but I'm sure that a few of you, my ten million loyal daily readers, are insanely rich drug lords with a sizable collection of exotic pets and you may not have learned this lesson yet, so I want to pass it along to you.

    You see, in this dream, I had a lot of exotic pets and the thing I learned that may be of help to you is this: When your full grown Bengal tiger is peacefully sleeping in your favorite chair, never ever try to shove it out of the way while saying, "Get out of my way, you stupid cat." I won't go into details but trust me. It will not end well. Save yourself a lot of trouble by just sitting somewhere else.

    If you're stuck in a house full of greedy, know-it-all, intolerant, female servants who think they're being victimized because the entire world is out to get you , I wish I could tell you what to do. Because that would mean that I know how to solve the problem but I don't. All I can say is, take morphine because it deadens the pain a little.

    If you're crazy enough to want to quit smoking, it helps with that, too. Well, to be super technical about it, I haven't actually quit but I did smoke seven packs yesterday and today, I might not even smoke four whole packs and if it that isn't the same was quitting, I'll eat my hat. Especially if you put morphine on it.

    Oh, I guess I should also say to check with your doctor before you go shooting yourself up with morphine cause there's like a 1% chance you'll experience some unwanted side effects and I don't want to be responsible for anyone getting sick. Unless you're a Conservative! Because if you are, I want you to...Wait. Hold that thought. I'm being told it's time for more morphine. I'd fight it but things seem to go better when I don't. But as soon as I wake up, I'm going to tell all you Conservatives just what I think of you and I'm also going to straighten things out around here and make sure everyone knows who's boss!

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---George Noory, WOC AM 1420
    Wednesday, November 5th, 2014
    8:25 am
    Congratulations, Retards
    I have so much to say this morning and at the same time, I have next to nothing to say. This is not a normal day and I will start with a few caveats. If you like reading me because I normally don't use profanity (Except when I'm quoting someone else and even then it's rare for me), stop reading right now because there will likely be more than a few dirty words in this one. And don't expect anything resembling organization. There will be logic but it's the kind that will likely to rub most of you, whether you're Conservative or Liberal, the wrong way. I am angry and my filters have been switched off until further notice. That means I am very likely to say a few things I don't entirely mean and will later take back but if you negatively comment on them before I calm down (How long will that take? A few hours? Days? Months? I have no idea), I'm also likely to call you a fucking retard and/or worse, so keep that in mind and comment at your own risk unless you completely agree with me.

    In short, I am angry and I don't care if I offend anyone or not. And speaking of commenting, I have a new set of rules for Blogster. You gutless wonder retarded Conservative pussy's are still allowed to comment all you want but if your blogs and comments aren't open to everyone, you will be deleted. Unless I happen to like what you say. My message is: If you want to keep being a frightened little girl, fine, but you will go do it somewhere else. If you want a voice here, you will open yourself up to hearing what a retarded asshole you are in your own blog.

    Now I think I'm ready to talk about the election and the first thing I want to say is that the future is still bright. The Conservatives didn't win anything, they were handed victory on a silver platter because most of the Liberals stayed home. And even then, they still lost big. They couldn't get a Personhood Amendment in North Dakota (Personhood movement loses both state initiatives: And Pot won big, too (Voters OK legal marijuana in Oregon, Alaska, and Washington, D.C: As did the Minimum Wage (Red-leaning states say yes to a higher minimum wage:

    Yes, you decrepit old pussy's are still doomed and if I manage to outlive you, I will gleefully dance on your graves. In the meantime, there is going to be a lot of suffering and I hope you dumb asses make the most of it. Destroy what's left of the environment and the economy, get rid of legal abortion, equal pay and all civil rights, etc etc etc. Give the Liberals who refused to vote exactly what they asked for. Because that will actually shorten the process. I'm not going to like it but you old useless assholes need to be buried as quickly as possible and that is the fastest way.

    Why do human beings always have to learn the hard way? You know, if you fucktard morons were right about there being a God, it wouldn't have to be this way because there would be Divine Intervention. So yes, I hope you make the most of this false victory. Make life as hard and painful as possible until people wake up and start chopping off your heads in public squares.

    You've already got a great start in Kansas. And you're poised to do it just about everywhere, including right here in Illinois. Bruce Rauner is are new Governor. And am I going to get anything out of it? Is he going to abolish all cigarette taxes and the mandatory seat belt laws? No. So tell me, you shit for brains freedom loving Conservative morons, what exactly am I going to get out of it?

    NOTHING! That's what I'm going get. Oh, I might pay a little less in income taxes and maybe get around a 3% decrease in my property taxes. Whoopee. Meanwhile, people who make far less than a million dollars a year are going to make up the difference and when they can no longer afford anything but taxes, what happens then? We all lose everything. Again, look at Kansas. I know I'm starting to sound like a broken record but I have to say it again: You retarded Conservative assholes! How fucking stupid are you?

    I could go on but I've probably lost enough friends for one day so I'm going to save the rest of what I have to say....Mostly how the two party that are really one party system has really cleaned up again and I haven't even mentioned that ignorant worthless whore slut, Joni Ernst...for another time, and I will leave you with a more upbeat message about how things might go:

    The Best & Worst Case Scenario Of The Midterms

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Tuesday, November 4th, 2014
    7:40 am
    It's Election Day, You Bastards
    My overnight reviews from last night are in and I haven't done this badly since I starred in the all female cast but me off Broadway production of Spider-Man. Well, calling it "Off Broadway" might be a little grandiose in this case since it was pre-dinner theater in Moose Jaw. We were supposed to go to the big time, an actual dinner theater in Schenectady, the next week but they canceled on us. The producers declared bankruptcy and no one got paid. That's why I much prefer making movies but the point is, even when you have a sure fire hit, never underestimate the critics. The Drama Critic for the Yukon Daily Standard has a lot more power than you think. The other point is, always get paid in advance.

    If you agree with the critics, God bless you and fret not. I will write something you will again love very soon. It might even be this one. If you don't agree the critics, God bless you even more and I'm sure you will love this one even more than yesterday's. Either way, let's get started and see how it goes.

    The battle for me is over. I have voted and there's nothing else I can do. I suppose there is a one in a million chance that I could still convince one or two of you, my loyal ten million daily readers, who are still misguided and confused to vote the right way at this late hour but probably not.

    All I can really do is tell you how much fun I had voting for things that are going to kill Republicans. There were all the Democrats, of course, especially the only one that matters to all of you who don't live in Illinois, Cheri Bustos ( But that was just the appetizer. The real joy came in voting for the ballot initiatives.

    There were a few of them but the best one was to make everyone making more than one million dollars give an extra three percent of their income to local school districts (Not an extra 3% on all income, just all income over $1 million). I wonder how many Republicans are going to drop dead right there in the voting booth just from seeing that printed on the ballot.

    So even if today goes horribly wrong, I at least have the fond memory of voting for things that would kill Conservatives and if I live long enough, I will see those things come to pass. OK, now that I've covered both of the bases that matter today, let's celebrate with a drink. So here's Fifi, my Sommelier, with the Theme Drink she invented for tonight:


    Optimism Helper


    3/4 oz Tequila
    3/4 oz Vodka
    1/2 oz Triple sec
    3 oz Orange juice
    2-3 dashes Grenadine

    Mixing instructions:

    Mix all ingredients in blender except grenadine. Pour into Collins glass and float grenadine on top. Garnish with a lime slice.


    We are in kind of a golden moment here. No, I'm not talking about what that rink is doing to you. I'm talking about the fact that there are no returns coming in yet. Zero. We are flying entirely blind and anything can still happen. That gives all of us the opportunity to be a Conservative for at least a few more hours. We have the freedom to completely ignore reality and base everything on assumptions. I'm not saying this is a healthy way to live. I'm only saying it's a viable alternative to suicide.

    At least in the short term. So let's make the most of it by jumping into today's Featured Party Game: Binders Full Girls Impersonating Election Judges. The object of the game boils down to this: You show them your Voter ID and they show you their's. Or something like that.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Monday, November 3rd, 2014
    8:04 am
    It's Election Day Eve, You Bastards
    As we start to close the door on the 2014 Midterms, I want to play a song that I hope expresses the message America is going to give to the GOP tomorrow:


    Dionne Warwick - Promises Promises (Scepter Records 1968)


    Of course if it doesn't quite work out that way, I have a Plan B. A song for all us Liberals:


    The Beatles - "I'm a Loser"


    Of course, if things go as they should, tomorrow, the Conservatives will get both songs. Why will that demented bunch of dangerously stupid hate mongering losers get Dionne Warwick AND The Beatles? For pathetically failing to steal another election? When what they should get, whether they win or lose, is an all expense paid trip to one of Mitt Romney's prison factories in China where they can spend the rest of their lives doing what they love, making old rich white men richer for nothing at our expense?

    As usual, you're right and all I can say is that this is another thing you can blame on the Conservatives. I was born in a small town in Iowa in 1964 (Not really. The truth is I was born in New York City in 1996 but since what you choose to believe is the Big Lie, it's what we'll go with. And this is kind of off topic but I just want to say that when Alex Jones' audience won't even believe the truth, we've got a lot of things wrong that need fixing even if the election goes right) and I have been brainwashed since birth to be a good winner by the aforementioned Conservatives.

    So this is what you're stuck with. If we do well, the dangerously stupid losers will get two great songs. And if we don't do well, we get one song. But at least it is The Beatles. And we won't know how it's going to be for at least another 25 or so hours. It all kind of makes you want to drink a lot, doesn't it? Me, too. So let's bring Fifi, my Sommelier, in here so she can unveil the Theme drink she invented for today:


    Nervous Neon Election Eve Nightmare


    1 1/4 oz Malibu rum
    1/2 oz Midori melon liqueur
    1/4 oz Blue Curacao
    3 1/2 oz Pineapple juice

    Mixing instructions:

    Combine ingredients into mixing tin full of ice. Shake vigorously and strain into glass. Garnish with an Orange flag. Drink should have almost glowing colour and the green should almost be lime. May be converted into a shot.


    I don't know if anyone is in the mood for a game tonight but we're gonna try anyway with: Binders Full Of Angry Women Voters. I don't know how much fun it will be but the pay-off will be when they all go to the polls tomorrow. I hope. I need another drink. Make it a double this time.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Sunday, November 2nd, 2014
    8:35 am
    It's This Week's Sermon, Halloween Sunday Edition, You Bastards
    Let's begin this week's service with one of my favorite hymns:


    The Day All The Monsters Came To Church And Got Saved


    Sisters and brethren, this is a bitter-sweet day. On Tuesday, the election will be over and I will return to being an Atheist. I will continue preaching every week cause I'll be damned if I'm going to let some other preacher get all the money you give me every week. But this is our last Sunday together where we all believe in God...Until the next thing that I need God's help with comes up...and even if you don't notice a difference next Sunday, it will still be different.

    For one thing, starting next Sunday, I will be accepting credit and debit cards so you won't have to worry about hitting the ATM in the lobby before services start. Studies show that you will give more when you're not using cash. So everyone benefits. Praise Jesus! Cash will still be accepted but keep in mind, if you use your card, I will know exactly how much you are giving so I can work even harder to get you into the First Class section of Heaven. You don't want to journey through eternity in Coach, do you?

    While we're on the topic of how money can save your worthless soul, I might as well tell you the bad news. The demonic heathen Devil worshipers down in Springfield still won't give me a tax free non-profit gambling license so I can't start offering free drinks for all players of the pew-back video poker machines yet---You are still playing just for fun until Jesus fixes this problem because just as the stickers say, "This machine Is For Amusement Only. Not A Gambling Device." But if you play maximum coin, your odds of getting into Heaven are still much better than those of the cheapskate heathen sitting next to you---but since this is the last day of the Halloween weekend as well as my last day of believing in God, we do have some drink specials.

    All Mimosa's and Bloody Mary's are all you can drink for $12.95 and the souvenir genuine imitation silver plastic chalice, just like they used at the Last Supper, is yours to keep. All well drinks are $4.95. All domestic beers are $2 a bottle. For you hardcore traditionalists, regular Chateau Blood Au Christ, Tuesday, October 27, 2014 (Which was an excellent day. If you like Monday's vintage, Tuesday's will really knock your socks off) wine is 3.50/glass or $3.75 for the Kosher versions. And for all you recovering alcoholics, Mormons, Baptists and Quakers, all non-alcoholic beers are half price.

    The most special drink of all though, as always, is the one that Fifi, my Sommelier, has invented for today's Theme Drink:


    Mortician's Helper


    8 oz Everclear
    25 oz Collins mix

    Mixing instructions:

    Take pitcher. Fill pitcher with bottle of Tom Collins mix. Add Everclear to "taste" or 8 oz. if you are a stickler for recipes. Add ice. Get drunk.


    This drink may very well kill you. But if your dream has always been to live hard, die young and leave a good looking and very well preserved corpse, this is the drink for you. Trust me, no corpse rotting bacteria can stand up to that much Everclear. It's also an excellent choice for all people who live by the simple rule, "Heaven Can't Wait!"

    OK, now that everyone is drunk and I've told a Bible story...I don't remember telling a Bible story but I must have because it's Sunday...let's end the service by playing today's Featured Party Game: Binders Full Of Pregnant Nuns. Now, some of you are saying that the Pregnant Nun costume was funny once. The first time you saw it in 1974 but now it's just a tired old cliche. You people need to order another drink because you're too uptight and it's keeping you from thinking straight. The Pregnant Nun is a timeless classic that will never get old! Bless you. Amen. Dismissed! Over and out. And next Sunday, don't forget your credit card!

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Red State Update: Episode 40: This Ain't My First Racist Ro
    Saturday, November 1st, 2014
    5:21 am
    It's Halloween Saturday, You Bastards

    Christians React… To Halloween!


    I can make no progress with Conservatives, especially the ones who comment on my Blogster, on any of the big issues, such as equality, the economy and Global Warming. I can't even get them to admit that Sarah Palin is an ignorant white trash whore (Who is at least smart enough to finally recognize Global Warming, ironically enough, while the ditto-heads claim that she didn't even though I showed them the video where she does say it: Likewise with the small and medium issues.

    But what I can do is show videos like the one above and celebrate the fact that---No matter how well they do on Tuesday---they are doomed. They are nothing but a laughably pathetic bunch of feeble old people who believe in fairy-tales and aren't even smart enough to come in from the rain and history is treating them like it. The problem of what they are doing to the present and near future remains, however. But at least their days are numbered and we can laugh at them. As they ruin our lives and destroy the planet with the time they have left.

    Happy Halloween, Saturday, everyone! I bet you could use a drink right about now and you're gonna get it. Right after this. I want to show you another video first. A video that will make you Liberals roll your eyes and wonder how anyone can vote Republican can manage to stay out of the loony bin while at the same time it will make all you Conservatives say, "So what's wrong with Sam Brownback? I don't get it." :


    Real Time with Bill Maher: What’s the Matter with Kansas? - October 24, 2014 (HBO)


    Seriously. Even if they don't come here and say it (Unlikely but possible) out loud, there are Conservatives who are going to watch that video and say, "Kansas is fine! Tax cuts for millionaires is gonna make me rich! Yahooo!" And no amount of booze is going to make it better but we're gonna try anyway. With this, the Theme Drink that Fifi, my Sommelier, invented for today:


    Suffering Kansas


    1 oz Gin
    1 oz Rum
    1/2 oz Lime juice
    1 dash Bitters
    1 oz Ginger ale

    Mixing instructions:

    Pour ingredients into a glass. Stir. Drink.


    By the way, here is one poll that thinks that things are going OK in Kansas: Kansas State Governor predictions ( Let's assume that is going to hold til Tuesday while we play tonight's Featured Party Game: Binders Full Of Girls Demonstrating What Got Paul Davis With 34% Of Kansas.

    The same 34% that are wearing adult diapers and who think Sarah Palin is smart. Why I am leaving you with a mental image of Sarah Palin and adult diapers? Because it's still Halloween! Cue the maniacal evil laughter and fade to black.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---George Noory, WOC AM 1420
    Friday, October 31st, 2014
    5:58 am
    It's Halloween, You Bastards
    I gotta give the Liberal Drive-By Media a lot of credit. They are doing their best to scare me and they're succeeding. Really, you could say they're excelling. For the last day and a half or so, they have been showing me a never ending parade of stories about how the young, women, Blacks and Hispanics are dumping the Democratic Party faster than Sarah Palin dumped all her retarded Tea Party fans by admitting Global Warming is real ( Everyone, it seems, except for the Gays, is going to the GOP.

    Are any of those stories true? It's not likely but it is possible and that, possibility, is the core basis of almost all fear. At the very least, all of those stories are likely based on a little truth. I could go on but the bottom line is that I'm scared. You can nitpick if you want by saying that I was already scared, so the Liberal Drive-By Media didn't really accomplish anything but if we're gonna be honest, it did.

    Now my problem is to get you into the mood, too, by making you as afraid as I am. For a certain segment of you, it's easy. All I have to do is show you this: Apple CEO Tim Cook comes out: 'I'm proud to be gay' ( It doesn't even matter if you've seen it before because even being reminded that the leader of one of the biggest companies in the world has not only come out but he added that being Gay is one of the greatest gifts from God, and that's gonna grate on your nerves from now until the end of time.

    More importantly, it scares you. Because you're one step closer to living in a world that you really fear. One where old rich Conservative white men don't count for anymore than anyone else and by extension, your own power will be diminished because you will be equal to everyone else. Women, Gays, Hispanics, Atheists, you name it and they will be equal to you. Even if this election goes well for you (And it might), it won't help (It might cause some minor delays in some areas but nothing lasting) because this train is unstoppable.

    Everything you think, cherish and believe is being replaced by the way things should have been from the start. And now this guy at Apple is saying that being Gay is a gift from God. And the world didn't end! It's as annoying as it is frightening. And I enjoy your suffering immensely. The best thing you can do is pray to die before your entire world collapses...And I will admit that it almost seems like there is a God who planned it this way because all you guys are over 70 already.

    So Praise Jesus for putting the Fear Of God into you on Halloween! But what about the other major segment of readership? All the Liberals. How do I scare them? According to the Liberal Drive-By Media, most of them have already defected to the GOP (I guess we'll see on Tuesday if that's really true) but even so, I can't scare them with equality. And now that they're Republicans, I can't even scare them with politics and all the stupid things they're gonna vote for.

    No matter what I tell them, they won't be scared until they realize what they have done. That's when they'll stop being Atheists, too. Well, maybe not, but whether they believe or not, they'll look up at the sky and say, "Oh Lord, what have I done?" You can't break a culturally ingrained habit like that just by realizing that there is no God.

    So what do I do now? Half my audience is unscared and I have no idea as to how to fix it. Stephen King, where are you when I need you? Clive Barker? Peter Straub? Is there any horror master in the house? Nope, guess not. And sure, I can write horror. There's no problem there. It's just that I specialize in satire. So asking me to do it is like asking your coronary surgeon to perform brain surgery.

    Sure, it's better than letting your plumber do it but you're still not going to be totally satisfied with the results. But since that's what we seem to be stuck with, fine. I'll slice open your comfortable sense of well being and poke around in there til I find something that frightens you. But first, let's have a drink cause you don't want a sober doctor cutting into you when he doesn't even really know what he's doing in the first place, do you?

    Besides, while Fifi, my Sommelier, is showing the Theme Drink she invented for tonight, you can sharpen my scalpels. Unless you want me to use them dull. It's your call. The patient is always right. OK, sharp knives, it is! Excellent choice. And here's that drink:


    You'd Be Better Off With Dr. Mengele


    1/2 shot Amaretto
    1/2 shot Bacardi 151 proof rum
    1/2 glass Beer (Domestic)

    Mixing instructions:

    Mix the Amaretto & Bacardi in one shot glass. Fill the beer mug 1/2 way with beer. Light the Bacardi & Amaretto with a match or lighter. Drop the flaming shot glass into the beer. It immediately begins to foam up. At this point gulp it down (be careful not to swallow the shot glass!).


    Just keep drinking. I'll tell you when it's time to take off your clothes and hop up on the table. In the meantime, let's play tonight's Featured Party Game: Binders Full Of Girls Demonstrating Why Lesbianism Is God's Greatest Gift. You old Conservatives might want to start making yours a double.

    OK, ladies, I am ready to operate now. Guys, you're on your own. Go do whatever you want, just don't get in my way. Girls, disrobe and get up on the table. Remember, the stirrups aren't there for decoration! Happy Halloween!

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Thursday, October 30th, 2014
    11:40 am
    It's Halloween Eve, You Bastards

    “Any Republican right now saying they’re going to take the Senate is a fool.”

    -Joe Scarborough, MSNBC’s Morning Joe


    That's from an email I received late yesterday afternoon from the DSCC ( and I have only one thing to say about it: JOE, PLEASE BE RIGHT!!!!!!!!

    Yeah, I know it's Halloween Eve and our main objective is to scare and be scared but contemplating a Republican controlled House and Senate is too much. Much too much. We don't want the Surgeon General to slap a warning label all over us or even shut us down entirely. So, let's stick to serial killers, monsters, soulless ghouls and the like. Guys like Jason, Freddie and Christopher Columbus. Oh, yeah, your mother-in-law, too. But she barely qualifies because she's just barely less scary than the Republicans.

    Getting scared by lessor monsters is easier said than done after mentioning the GOP, though. But don't worry. The reason God put me in the driver's seat of this train is because if anyone can steer us out if this wreck, it's me. If I can't lead you to salvation, no one can. I laugh at these twisted masses of smoldering metal. HA HA HA! Ooops. Sorry, I didn't mean to harsh your fear mellow like that.

    It's just hard for me to not be comforting. Even on Halloween Eve. When it's totally inappropriate. Oh, you should probably mark your calendar because this is the first and probably only time I'll ever be inappropriate. Well, that ate up a whole two seconds off the clock, so we'll count this play as a success. And just like any good coach would do, I'm going to extend this winning streak by calling in my designated Sommelier, Fifi, so she can kick the Theme Drink she invented for tonight right through the old uprights:


    Malt Demon From Hell


    4 oz Vodka (Aristocrat)
    20 oz Malt liquor (Colt 45)

    Mixing instructions:

    Pour vodka in mason jar, add malt liquor.


    Twenty ounces of malt liquor plus 4 ounces of vodka? Sounds like the recipe for happiness to me. Fifi must be saving her really scary drinks for the rest of the weekend...Oh, just in case you didn't get the memo, I have declared that this year's Halloween Holiday Weekend started yesterday. Don't worry, it's perfectly legal. Section Nine of the Roswell Treaty Of 1947, as signed by your President Truman, grants me absolute ruling power over this entire Galactic Sector and while I don't use it very often because I don't want people to think I'm pushy, I did use it yesterday. So, tomorrow morning, instead of going to work, call your miserable little boss and tell him I said you have until Monday off. If he gives you any flak, let me know and I'll unleash Fluffy. Fluffy is my Kraken. I also have a legion of Imperial Storm Troopers who have sworn a loyalty oath to me for jobs like this but I gave them the weekend off, too. Anyway, tell your fat little retard of a boss that if he doesn't play ball, Fluffy will play with his. Oh, you get paid time and a half while you're off and if you really want to go to work, you get double time. I really don't care about your finances but I love ticking Mitt Romney off and paying you better is the best way. Especially when I do it via Executive let's just forge ahead with tonight's Featured Party Game: Binders Full Of Girls Who Are Wearing Masks That Make Them Look Like Your Mother-In-Law.

    You can call that a low blow if you want but you came here to get scared so don't try to blame me. Just drink up and make the best of it.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Red State Update: Episode 40: This Ain't My First Racist Ro
    Wednesday, October 29th, 2014
    12:13 am
    It's National Cat Day, You Bastards
    Well, I now know why I wrote so much about cats yesterday...OK, I didn't do much of the actual writing, I mostly just kind of copied and pasted something someone else wrote but it's the thought that counts, so I'm taking full credit...It's National Cat Day (National Cat Day 2014: Celebrate by adopting, donating or honoring your feline:!

    So why did I write about cats yesterday instead of today, when it is actually National Cat Day? I can best answer that question by giving you some good advice: With the proper help, you can cure your terrible addiction to asking too many questions. All you have to do is admit that you have a problem and then we'll do the rest. We'll give you drugs and counseling. Mostly drugs. Not because we want you to simply trade one addiction for another. It's because the drugs have a much higher profit margin. So you see, it is God's will, not ours, that you take them. Lots of them.

    So where was I? Oh yeah. It's National Cat Day. But we can't spend much time on it because it's also Halloween Eve Eve and that means we have to devote most of our time and energy to being scary. Without making me work too hard. So let's kick this party off with a song. A beloved Halloween classic that has been entertaining generation after generation since 2013:


    I Fingered A Skeleton


    I wish I could figure out a way to tie Stairway To Heaven into Halloween cause 2:17 isn't much of a break but it's done now so I guess I'll get back to work. By turning the whole thing over to Fifi, my Sommelier, so she can show you the Theme Drink she invented for today:


    Scary Scarlet Fever


    12-14 oz Absolut Vodka
    12-14 oz White rum
    6-8 oz dry Gin (London's)
    6 oz Cranberry juice

    Mixing instructions:

    Mix together and shake, pour into a draft glass add 3 ice cubes and garnish with a lemon wheel on the side.


    Fifi says she's getting tired of hearing about Ebola so she created this one to remind us that there are other scary diseases. And it inspired today's Featured Party Game: Binders Full Of Girls Who Are Suffering From Scarlet Fever And Ebola.

    Don't be afraid. All these girls are perfectly healthy. I tested all of them myself. The red rashes and what seems like blood oozing from every orifice is only strawberry flavored lube augmented with red edible body paint. The make-up artist did a superb job. Bon Appétit and Happy Halloween Eve Eve!

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---George Noory, WOC AM 1420
[ << Previous 20 -- Next 20 >> ]