Below are 20 journal entries, after skipping by the 20 most recent ones recorded in Greg's Blurty:

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Friday, November 13th, 2009
11:58 am	It's Friday, You Bastards Don't tell people how to do things, tell them what to do and let them surprise you with their results. ----------------George S. Patton In honor of Veterans Day, which was earlier this week, I had Miss Bunni, my Chief Executive Vice President In Charge Of Mystical Affairs and Head Astrologer part the veil between the living and the dead and invite all my favorite veterans tonight and there's scores of them here, including US Grant, Erwin "Magnificent Bastard" Rommel, Napoleon, Ike, Douglas MacArthur and dozens of others that you have and haven't heard of but my favorite of all is George "Blood And Guts" Patton. Even though he can be difficult. We were watching TV last night, one of those shows on the Discovery Channel about the building of the new Texas Stadium and at one point there was this big steel truss that had to bolted down but the holes weren't matching up and the host of the show asked the guy who was going to do the bolting, "How are you going to do that?" "I don't know how I'm going to do it but I know it's going to be done," The guy answered and in just a couple of minutes he had solved the problem and the crane was free to bring up the next piece. George jumped up and said that if he had had that construction worker with him in Sicily, he would have been in Berlin before the God damned Germans knew what hit them and he would have personally ended World War II in Europe by Christmas, nearly a full two years early. He then ordered me to abduct (To be fair, he didn't say to abduct him, he said, "Draft that bastard!" But to me, drafting and abducting amount to the same thing) the construction worker and transport all three of us to July 9, 1943 in a time machine. I then had to explain that that would be breaking more laws, regulations and directives than even I would be comfortable with. Then I had to tell him that I rarely follow orders from my bosses and almost never when they are from military commanders, which I'm not obligated to do, anyway. George didn't like hearing that at all. He's still sore about it tonight. He thinks Ike and Monty put me up to it just to make him look bad and he keeps telling me to go stand with the God damned Nazis and Communists where I belong. And I'm only partially quoting him. His actual verbiage is a lot more colorful. So, if you run into George tonight, try to calm him down by saying something like, "What happened at Metz?" He'll probably say something to the effect of: Your God damned problem is that you watch too God damned much of that God damned History Channel! Then he'll probably try to shoot you but don't worry about that because he only has blanks in his gun. Suzette won't let anyone---even Patton, who she would let do just about anything else because she gives him all the credit for driving the Germans out of France and that's totally not fair because he can walk in here without wiping his feet and it's OK but if I do it, it's the end of the world---bring a loaded gun in here because she claims that I attract unstable people and even the ones who are stable tend to do unstable things after being around me for only a few minutes. I don't know who died and made her Head Of Security but I guess that's Buffy's problem, not mine. If she wants to let a little power mad dictator take over her department, that's her business. My business is to drink more of these, the drink that Fifi invented for tonight: ---------------------------------------------------- Blood And Guts Ingredients: * 2 oz Brandy (Courvoisier) * 1 1/2 oz Grand Marnier * Juice of 1/2 Lemon * Ice cubes * Sugar Mixing instructions: Stir liquors and juice over ice gently. Sugar rim of chilled cocktail glass and strain. ---------------------------------------------------- Yeah, they do taste like something you'd find in a moldy K Ration's pouch that's been sitting at the bottom of a long forgotten foxhole for over 60 years but that seems kind of fitting for Veterans Day. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---Thursday November 12, 2009 (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 12th, 2009
5:39 am	How To Win Friends And Sell Books "I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me." -John Cleese Dale Breckenridge Carnegie must be proud. So must P. T. Barnum (Even though a lot of jealous, know nothing, sore-head scholars claim that he never said, "There's a sucker born every minute."). And the reason they must be proud is that even now they are guiding and influencing so many people from the grave. That's a whole lot of pride for one morning but it's still not enough because there's still someone else that I want to be proud. And I want Him to be proud of me. That's right, I'm talking about Jesus H. Christ Himself, everyone's favorite Savior. Well, He's not my favorite Savior because that honor goes to Miss November. How she came to be my favorite Savior is a long boring story we don't have time for, so let's get right to the long boring story that we do have time for and that would be the story of how Jesus came to be proud of me. In honor of His upcoming birthday---He's over 2,000 now but He doesn't look a day over 1,025---I have found (Yes, I did put a lot of work into this) and pasted here the Rules For Being Human. But it's more than just Rules For Being Human, it's also a guide to getting on Coast multiple times and selling tons of books. That's why I altered the title a little. Anyway, in the spirit of Christmas, this is my gift to everyone who wants to be human and sell lots of books. The only caveat is that these rules will not make you a favorite guest of mine because I like the ones who break all these rules and anyone who says that life is a classroom and goes on to to make a mockery of reincarnation by saying that we have to learn each time we are here but all previously gained knowledge has to be erased every time we come back is automatically deemed an idiot conman who has no chance of ever winning Coast Guest Of The Day or any other award. But they will make you sell lots of books. So, without any further ado, here is my Christmas gift to the Multi-Verse that I didn't write...aside from adding to the title...but that doesn't matter because it's the thought that counts: Rules For Being Human And/Or Getting On Coast A Million Times And Selling Jillions Of Books 1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but make the best of it because it's going to be with you the rest of your life. 2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called Life on Planet Earth. Every person or incident is the Universal Teacher. 3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of experimentation. "Failures" are as much a part of the process as "Successes." 4. A lesson is repeated until learned. It is presented to you in various forms until you learn it - then you can go on the next lesson. 5. If you don't learn easy lessons, they get harder. External problems are a precise reflection of your internal state; pain is how your subconscious gets you attention. First it whispers; then it yells. When you clear inner obstructions, your outside world changes. 6. You will know you have learned a lesson when your actions change. Wisdom is practice, practice, practice. And remember, a little of something is much better than a lot of nothing. 7. "There" is nothing better than "Here." When your "there" becomes a "here," you will simply obtain another "there" that, again, looks better than "here." 8. Others are only mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another unless it reflects something you love or hate in yourself. 9. Your life is up to you. The Divine provides the canvas; you do the painting. Take charge of your life, or someone else will. 10. You always get what you want. Your subconscious rightfully determines what energies, experiences and people you attract - therefore, the only foolproof way to know what you want is to see what you have. 11. There are consequences. Corollary Law: Everything has a value, and everything has a cost. You pay now or you pay later, and nobody rides for free. 12. Your answers lie inside you. No need looking anywhere else. Children need guidance from others; As we mature we should trust our souls, where the laws of the Divine are written. You know more than you have heard or read or been told. All you need to do is look, listen and trust. 13. You will tend to forget all this. That is our nature. But you can remember anytime you wish. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---Tuesday November 10, 2009 (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 11th, 2009
2:16 pm	Draft Beer, Not Students, Volume One What a lot of people don't understand about the Laws Of Quantum Mechanics, as well as yet another reason why everyone should listen to Coast To Coast AM, is that there is no past or future. There is only now. Additionally, intentions originating in what we call the present time, or Now, can and will alter what we perceive to be the past and the future. Sometimes all that altering of the past and future which are really only the Now doesn't matter much but sometimes it does and since there's really no way for you know the difference: KNOCK IT OFF! You remember that thing you did in 1985 that you've regretted every day since? Well, forget it already, because all that fretting about it is changing it. You're playing with forces you don't understand but more importantly than that, you're breaking the law by operating an unauthorized virtual time machine and using it to alter the Now that you erroneously perceive as the past and/or future. And ignorance of the law or even not knowing how or why you could be breaking a law that you don't even know about and even if you did know about it, it would make no sense to you is no excuse! In a perfect world, we'd just come and write you a ticket every time you tried but we don't have the manpower for that so we have to wait until your disruption becomes visible and if it's deemed to be too a big a problem, we have to send an agent out to fix it. Don't make too a big a deal out of that because: Do I come into your office and laugh about how dull, illogical, disorganized, pointless and underfunded your job is? No! But I could, couldn't I? So you should just refrain from casting stones for as long as you work in a glass job! Most of all, you should refrain from being like...let's call her Heather, and if you were to look at her today, you would see a nice old lady. But, if you look past the sweet innocent elderly grandmotherly facade, you will see the U Of Minnesota undergrad who wore a harem girl costume to a post Halloween party in 1968 and then second guessed her choice everyday for the next forty-one years because of a little wardrobe malfunction until just a few days ago, when all that second guessing caused her to wear a perfectly well functioning clown costume to the party. That's why I had to get in a time machine today and go to Minneapolis in November 1968 and clean up the whole mess. And I'll tell you all about how I did it in Draft Beer, Not Students, Volume Two but in the meantime, stop screwing around with the past! Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Johnny Canton, WDGY Minneapolis, April 1968 (Comment on this)
5:31 am	No Bubble Bursting Here Even if I weren't restricted from doing so by millions of various secrecy oaths, agreements and understandings, I still wouldn't burst any optimistic bubbles by saying that I was, for no particular reason beyond ordinary mundane tourism, in Virginia last night and then further stating that, again for no particular reason, the easiest thing in the world to fake is a lethal injection execution. I know that a lot of people get a warm fuzzy feeling of well being and accomplishment about cold blooded premeditated murder when it isn't called murder and it's not my place to chill those emotions by throwing a wet blanket all over them. I'm not going to spoil anyone's morning by saying something impossible like, "John Allen Muhammad is still very alive and well and already being prepped for his next job." Likewise, for the same reasons, I'm not going to reveal that the endgame in the decades long struggle to legalize and mainstream kiddie porn is upon us. It's not quite that simple...pornography is just a small piece of the whole child enslavement movement but it's an important one. Not that that will really bother America...the country that cares less than anyone else in the world about kids and at the same time pays more lip service to caring about kids to assuage its' guilt...once it's no longer the Story Of The Day but in the meantime, due to the confusion built up by all the talk about caring about kids, there will be some turbulence. Sure, we let kids die every day from things we could easily prevent (My favorite is how if you're young and have cancer and your parents don't have the right insurance, we're just going to let you die) but we protect them from sex and drugs (Not really but it makes for great TV)---by charging them as adults...and look at how we drive, especially in school zones. Anyway, a lot of people confuse the talk with actual intentions, so opening factories and brothels staffed with kids is still not exactly politically correct. Until enough people have been arrested for possessing kiddie porn when they didn't really possess it at all. Let the outrage begin. Then, when we have that legalized, the next step is to (Officially) legalize the manufacture of it. The timetable for this is six months. Forget about the adults that we currently label as kids...17 is illegal but 18 is fine, except for drinking...the big money is in infants, toddlers and pre-teens. The teens, to make up for their diminished sexual value can make sneakers all day for 12 cents an hour and then work in the brothels and make movies all night for slightly more. This system has already been extensively tested in other countries and it works. Now it's time to make it play in Peoria, whether Peoria thinks it wants it or not. My censors are telling me that to say any more about how the American people are being played like a piano would begin to burst some bubbles, so I have to stop now. So just keep spending lots of time and money trying to stop teens from sexting until real, very young kids are being openly sold on the street for whatever the buyer wants to do to them and then just blindly accept it along with everything else that's being planned for you. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM--Tuesday November 10, 2009 (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 10th, 2009
6:49 am	Because It Sometimes Cures Writer's Block 1. What was the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? The same thing I do before bed every night. I had a glass of warm milk and answered a bunch of prayers. Ladies, if you want to get on tonight's prayer list, there are still a few slots open but hurry cause they fill up fast. 2. How many people have asked you to marry them? All of them so far. 3. When was the last time you went to the mall? Is this another proposal? 4. Do you think people say bad things about you? I know they do but I forgive them because they know not what they say. 5. Where will your next car ride be taking you? I thought we were going to the mall. Are you trying to turn everything around now and make it seem like it was my idea? 6. Do you know anyone who is pregnant right now? Yes, but I didn't do it. 7. Know someone who just had a baby? No. 8. Do you remember the Pepsi commercials with Britney Spears? I play them every night before I go to bed. 9. Have you ever caught a friend cheating on their significant other? Not yet. I don't get out much. 10. What would you do if one of your friends turned gay? I'd do what the PSA's advise: Wear a mask, wash hands frequently and use lots of hand sanitizer...no wait, that's what you're supposed to do when a friend gets H1N1...I don't know what to do when someone turns gay. I don't even know it it's contagious. 11. Do you think little kids are cute or annoying? It depends on what they're doing. 12. Were your last three kisses from the same person? Why is that such a big deal to you? You know you're the only one I care about. The other ones meant nothing and I was thinking about you the whole time. 13. When was the last time you got a haircut? 1953 and I'm not getting another one until they release Julius and Ethel! 14. Pink or green? Green 15. Do you call the last meal of the day dinner or supper? Dinner 16. In the past week, have you felt sad? What is there to feel sad about? 17. What is the greatest thing that has happened to you today? So many great things have happened to me today that it's hard to keep track of them, let alone determine which was the greatest. 18. Are you a heavy or light sleeper? You want me to sleep on top of you? It sounds weird but OK. 19. Who was the first male you talked to today? God. He calls me every morning for advice on how to run the Universe. I guess that's why things are going so good. 20. Do you curse a lot? I can but it costs extra. Personally, I don't think it's worth it but the customer is always right. 21. Have you ever drank with your #1? My #1 what? 22. Have you ever punched a guy? No...I really want to but the Nobel people said they'd take away my Peace Prize if I do. 23. Have you ever lived on a dirt/gravel road? I charge extra for that, too, but it's worth it! 24. What was the last movie you saw in theaters? They show movies in theaters now? 25. Is there anyone you wish was still in your life? Yeah, but don't worry, they'll be back! 26. Do you talk to the person you have feelings for everyday? No, but it's only because she likes to pretend that I don't exist. 27. What does your last text say? The Eagle Has Landed. I don't know what it means but it was from NASA, so I think it's important. 28. Was this past weekend fun? It was so much fun that I can't even remember it. 29. Have you reconnected with an old friend lately? No but she'll be back any minute now, on her hands and knees, begging to reconnect. 30. Last song you heard? Whatever the last bumper song was. It was really unforgettable. 31. Who did you last yell at? The Nobel people say I can't yell, either. 32. Are you happy? Why wouldn't I be? 33. Whats the plans for your Monday? I can't plan that far into the future. 34. Is something on your mind? I guess we can cross "mind reader" off your resume, huh? 35. Do you miss someone? Yes, but she'll be back. 36. Do you have someone of the opposite sex that you can tell anything to? Yes, but she doesn't know it yet. You should teach her to read minds. 37. Is your TV on? Should it be on? Am I missing something good? 38. Last thing you said out loud? HELLO CLEVELAND!!!!!!!! And then was I booed off stage because Cleveland was the night before and we were in Pittsburgh. That's why I don't talk anymore. 39. Last received message on Myspace was from? I can't remember but I'm sure it was important. 40. Do you like dogs or cats more? Cats 41. Are you mad? A lot of people think I am but they're crazy. 42. Are you in high school? Are you a truant officer? 43. What school? Give it up already, copper. 44. Do you text? Oh yeah! It's the best way to get kicked out of English class! 45. Are you over a situation? I'm not even under a situation. 46. Has your best friend seen you cry? Sometimes I drink more than I need. Until the T.V.'s dead and gone. I may be lonely but I'm never alone and the night may pass me by but I'll never cry. 47. Do you hate someone? I can't answer that because they'd try to take away my Peace Prize again. 48. Do you have siblings? One 49. Whens the next time you'll cry? Weren't you paying attention? OK, I'll do one more verse but that's all so listen up this time! Break a heart break a heart of stone Open it up but don't you leave it alone 'Cause that's all I've got to give to you believe me babe it ain't been used My heart's a virgin it ain't never been tried and you know I'll never cry and you know I'll never cry and you know you know you know you know I'll never cry, I'll never cry 50. Whens the last time you wanted to cry but was trying hard to hold back the tears? You're just doing it on purpose now, aren't you? OK, for the last time, listen: If there's a tear on my face It makes me shiver to the bone, it shakes me babe It's just a heartache that got caught in my eye and you know I never cry I never cry 51. Hows your heart lately? It's been great since I discovered the Fried Twinkie Diet. 52. Do you love God? They say I have to if I want to be the Pope, so put me down for a yes on that one. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---Monday November 9, 2009 (Comment on this)
Monday, November 9th, 2009
11:21 am	You And Me? Together? My entire staff, along with all the girls I work with could really learn a lot from Californication. That's why I'm glad they all watch it religiously. What I'm not so glad about is how they always seem to miss all the vital moral and ethical lessons the show is trying to teach. Take my secretary, Minx, for example. Did she greet me this morning the way Jackie greeted Hank in last night's episode (So Here's The Thing ...)? The answer is not exactly. She hardly ever greets me like that anymore. And when the Chief walked in on us, was there anything troubling and embarrassing for him to see? No. So everyone was disappointed. Oh, before I go on, I need to say that the Chief has his faults (Man many many faults, almost too many to count) but he's a billion times better boss than Dean Koons. Dean Koons is a lot like Putz "Shorty" McWorthless. Except he's about 6 feet taller, literate, has a measurable IQ and I'm pretty sure he isn't gay. Otherwise, they're identical. As long as we're comparing our real life family, friends and associates with those on Californication, I want to ask you, "Is your agent anything like Charlie?" Mine isn't. Dru is a an overly demanding soulless killer with very little sense of humor. Oh, she does have a masturbation addiction, though...at times she's completely obsessed by it...so I guess, they really aren't all that different. Isn't it freaky the way real life mirrors fiction like that? Like how Hank jogs. It's exactly the same way I jog---Go to the beach, run ten yards, stop, have a cigarette, repeat. Except I skip the running part because it just gets in the way of girl watching. Well, I think that covers everything...no wait, we didn't cover family yet. Does your daughter ever turn your apartment into a bordello so her friends can have a safe place to make out until you get home? I can't answer that one because I don't have a daughter...I can't even figure out why Hank accused Becca of running a bordello because I really doubt that that kid (Who was having a great night until Hank got home) who thought that Hank was going to kill him was paying for anything. To me it was more like she was running a free love commune. Or maybe she's bringing back Plato's Retreat West...and a lot of people say that Plato's was nothing more than a bordello, so maybe Hank wasn't wrong, after all. Or maybe you just have to be a parent to understand. Just one more thing. What are they going to do with Peter Fonda? I have no idea because my super top secret spy network is focused (As they should be) on Jackie and her two stripper friends but I have confidence that it will be good and more than worth watching. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---Sunday November 8, 2009 (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 8th, 2009
12:12 pm	Just Another Typical, Boring, Pointless And Sticky Sunday Morning You would think that in my nearly 46 years on this planet in this incarnation, that I would have had at least one calm and peaceful, if not pleasurable Sunday morning. The Law Of Averages and The Law Of Large Numbers would almost seem to dictate it. But no. The Laws that run your life, along with everything else in this dingy little corner of the Multi-Verse don't affect me at all. At least not when they could benefit me in any way, shape or form. This latest bad Sunday morning started roughly about five hours ago now while I was having breakfast and it wasn't bad, considering what I usually have to go through in the morning. Especially Sunday mornings. And I was beginning to think that maybe I was going to have, for the first time ever, a normal Sunday morning. Not normal by your standards, mind you, but normal relative to what usually happens to me. That's when I learned that no optimistic thought goes unpunished because that's the moment that Art walked in. I don't know if I've told you about Art...The Reverend Arthur Dimmesdale...but he lives and works next door at The First National Church Of Rock Island and he drops by nearly every Sunday morning before he goes to work. So I was ready for him and for his usual mean spirited attitude which he directs towards me because he resents having to work on Sunday. I can't really blame him for that because I wouldn't want to work on weekends, either, but that's tempered by "DUH!" What were you expecting when you became a preacher? I don't say that, of course, because it would be rude. Instead, I politely said, just like I always do, "Hi Art. What's up?" He sat down and glared at me without saying a word. Then he glared again, this time at my, "There Is No God," t-shirt and said, "Blasphemer, could you please pass the coffee before the Lord strikes you dead where you sit?" Do we need any more proof that the peculator is the Devil's Workshop? Is it just me, or does everyone who drinks that evil vile unfit for human consumption liquid seem demonic? It's ironic that there was no Lord to strike me dead because that would have been preferable to what happened next. Because that's when Baily Wire walked in, sat down, glared at me and before I could even say anything, said, "SHUT UP!" Baily...her real name is Baling but we call her Baily because Baling is just a really dumb name but that's not her fault. I suspect, rather strongly, that her parents have a very large moonshine problem...is my Chief Executive Vice President In Charge Of Agricultural Affairs and Head Rural Affairs Liaison Officer (Sometimes I have to go to small towns and I need a translator because those people---even the ones I want to have affairs with---are impossible to understand and I really didn't have to add "Officer" to her title, except with it, she can carry handcuffs and no one thinks it's weird). Baily was born in a little house way out on the prairie somewhere in the middle of Iowa and lived there for 18 years before she came here to work for me. She graduated last fall from the University Of Iowa with a degree in Animal Husbandry...I'm not sure what that means and I don't ask because I'm pretty sure I don't want to know. Anyway, all that living and going to school in Iowa...and even all the living here, because while this is technically Illinois, it's really Iowa...has made her a Hawkeye fan. And like every other good Hawkeye fan, she has season tickets and she was very excited about the Hawks' winning streak. Right up until she got home from the game late yesterday afternoon. By that time she was what you could call despondent. And angry. I tired my best to comfort her by saying things like, "What do you expect from the loser football team from a loser state full of losers?" And, "I bet they're just like the Cubs. They won't be in the Rose Bowl again at least until 2090. So why worry about it? And don't get mad at me. There must have been a goat involved somewhere along the line and that's who you should be mad at." But no matter how soothing and comforting I was, she just got more and more despondent. And angrier and angrier. It got to the point where she was even mad at me. For no reason. And a good night's sleep...a sleep that didn't involve me, by the way, because all that anger and despondence gave her a headache or so she said...didn't improve her mood any. Still, I was determined to not let her negative psychic vampire attitude drag me down to her level, so after she told me to shut up when I hadn't even said anything, I very cheerfully said, "Good morning, Baily! Art here was just telling us about this morning's sermon and how we should all go to church and I think you should go. I mean, you obviously didn't pray hard enough last week and therefore yesterday's humiliating defeat is all your fau..." That's when she got up, walked over to me and poured an entire bottle of syrup over my head. Then she said a bunch of things that I'm sure she now regrets having said and stormed out of the room. I'm also sure she'll be coming in here any minute now, apologizing profusely and begging me to forgive her. And I will, of course, because I'm a Saint and I understand that not everyone is as perfect as I am. While we're waiting for that to happen, I have another story for you to read. This one is by my Number One Favorite Local Writer and it's completely different from this one because it isn't typical, boring or pointless. But it is sticky. And some people say there are no coincidences. I still don't know what that means or why they say it but they do say it, so I believe it. Anyway, go read Sticky Hands now and be quick about it because Baily will be back any minute now and you don't want to miss that. Unless seeing a girl grovel for forgiveness at my feet is something you do want to miss and if that's the case, just take your time with Sticky Hands. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Art Bell: Somewhere in Time---Returned To 9/19/97 (Comment on this)
Saturday, November 7th, 2009
4:10 pm	The Next One I'm Not Going To Write This one is another fan fic and I know what you're thinking, that even when they're decent, they're waste of time because they can't be published and even if you did manage to publish it, it would be tough to sell. My agent, Drusilla, agrees with you. She calls fan fics literary masturbation. Or, I should say, she used to agree with you and used to say that they are literary masturbation. Then, a while back, she was looking through my files of unpublished works and decided to rethink fan fics. She made a few phone calls and then went to a couple of meetings in New York, made a few more calls, went to a couple more meetings, in LA, this time and now, she doesn't complain at all about me writing fan fics. I don't know what the final product of all her work will look like, she's talking about either a volume of just my fan fics built around a theme or a few of mine mixed with other writers based on a theme. Either one is fine with me. I'm just happy that the entire world, starting with my short tempered, ill mannered soulless serial killer of an agent is finally getting off my back about writing them. I just hope that Dru decides to use this one in the first volume...she hasn't mentioned anything about any followups but you know there's going to be more than one...because I really like it. It's a Californication story...big surprise there, huh?...and it's my response to how they're terribly wasting Hank's teaching job. Not that they're doing an awful job with it but they are mostly using it as a vehicle to channel girls to Hank and that isn't bad but they could do so much more. Not that the suicide attempt and Jackie's lap dancing and Jill and the building sexual tension between Hank and Felicia are bad but they should be using the teaching gig to show more of what it's like to be a writer. They probably think that the audience wouldn't be interested in that and that's why it's my job to show them that everyone, including other writers can be happy. And I have done that by creating Erica Eureka. She's a cheerleader. And a writer. Not a likely combination, you say? True enough, but stranger things have happened. What isn't so strange is that she has an affair with Hank. The strangest part of all is that she confounds Hank in ways that no girl has ever confounded him before. It's not her coaching him on the importance of rhythm and timing in sex...which Hank finds amusingly disturbing, especially when he discovers that it turns him on. Her really confounding quality is her writing. And I did that by basing the writer side of her on Piers Anthony. If you've ever read Piers, you know that he has endlessly good ideas but his problem is that you can see the outline he used to write the book as you read it and it's like reading a blueprint. It's really annoying...extremely profitable but agonizingly annoying...and it annoys Hank more than anyone. He tries and tries and tries and tries and tries and then tries some more, until he's blue in the face to make her see how she's really good but she has to abandon the way her sixth grade English teacher taught her to write essays. Of course, at the same time, he sees parallels between what he's going through with Erica and what he's going through with Becca and that annoys Hank even more. It also causes him to question his role as a parent, his writing style, his career and, finally, his entire life. It nearly drives him to drink. More than he usually does. And, of course, I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't follow Erica around during cheer practice and in the cheerleader locker room, so I do that, too. I can't tell you much more about it because Dru is being less homicidal than usual and I don't want to ruin that. I can say, though, that I didn't take the easy way out by conveniently making all the people who are problematic to this story disappear. Karen, Jill, Felicia and Jackie are all there and all woven into it (Not that that's any big sacrifice on my part. Hank has to endure all the headaches they cause, not me). Will they all be involved in a huge lesbian orgy? You're asking me questions I can't answer, again. Why do you keep doing that? Just be patient and read it when it's done. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---Friday November 6, 2009 (Comment on this)
Friday, November 6th, 2009
3:02 pm	It's Friday, You Bastards Now that October and Halloween are over...over my objections and even if I didn't object and no matter what anyone thinks or says, Halloween is never "over." It's like Thanksgiving, Christmas and Valentines Day and Easter, only a million times more cool than those four "holidays" combined---they aren't merely a date on the calendar, they are in the heart, they are eternal and they never end...everyone's attention has been turned to Thanksgiving and Christmas and the pressing business of ruining them for me. And everyone is halfway there already. I'm not going to mention any names because Suzette already gets way more than enough bad press. Every word of it is entirely accurate and well deserved but still, I feel sorry for her because she's senile. She's not even thirty yet and she has the mind of a 180 year old. A very short sighted, Alzheimer's addled 180 year old with a short temper and no concept of logic, reason or fair play. She's a cheapskate, too. Did I tell you that she wouldn't give me a lousy million dollars when I desperately needed to buy a bunch of cupcake cars? Remind me to tell you that about that sometime when we have more time because tonight, we only have time to go over how she ruined Thanksgiving. I was happy and rightfully proud of myself for single handedly coming up with an idea to save a holiday that no one really likes because it glorifies the fraud, genocide and theft of an entire country from the Native Americans by the invading barbarians from Europe. And at the same time, it would satisfy all the people in my conservative base who think that all the fraud, genocide and theft was a good thing because it introduced the native heathens to their invisible friend who lives in the sky and grants wishes. In broad strokes, it would go like this: The entire meal would be served on naked girls, 26 of them, 13 to represent the original thirteen colonies and 13 to represent 13 of the native tribes that were raped, pillaged and plundered so we could have a four day weekend every November. You know, it's the same way they serve sushi in Seattle. And LA, San Fransisco, and Las Vegas now. New York FINALLY even has it. I bet they even have it in Chicago, now. And that begs the question: Where the heck is the Phrase That Pays that pays off in naked sushi? The next time you see Elton Jim and/or What's His Name, ask them that. In the meantime, let's back to what's most important: How the whole stupid world is unfair to me. So, you see, everyone from the most brain damaged arch conservative to the most sensitive arch liberal would be perfectly happy. Everyone, that is, except for senile 180 year old French girls who are trapped in bodies that aren't even 30 years old yet. I very carefully and slowly, taking care to use small words, to compensate for her mental disability, explained the whole thing, right down to the measurements of the 13 girls who would be wearing Pilgrim hats and the perfect booty's of the 13 who would be wearing feathers and she said, "No." But first, she said, "Isn't it past your bed time?" So then I had to explain to her...yet again...that I am not only an adult but also the Supreme Grand Ruling Commander-In-Chief and Chief Executive Officer of this house as well as king of this castle, etc etc etc and therefore I can do whatever I want and what I say goes and she said, "Get your feet off the coffee table." That's when I reminded her that her opinions mean nothing in the face of my all encompassing authority and that's when she got mad about nothing and started another fight for no reason. I'll spare you the boring details, save the outcome...big surprise here...I won. Even an entire army of dumb girls couldn't beat me. One dumb girl has no chance at all. The surprising, inexplicable and totally unfair part is that Thanksgiving dinner won't be served on 26 naked girls. The hors d'œuvres for tonight's party won't even be served on naked girls. I'm dumbfounded, to say the least, but I am glad that we have this, the drink that Fifi created for tonight: ----------------------------------------------- Naked Turkey Trot Ingredients: * 2 cups Cranberry juice * 2 cups 7-Up * 1 cup Wild Turkey Mixing instructions: Mix with a stirrer in a pitcher then pour over ice into glasses. A Thanksgiving tradition for the truly dysfunctional family! ----------------------------------------------- I know, I know, it's hard to get in a party mood given the gross lack of nudity and the added insult of food being served by fully dressed waitresses from platters but just do the best you can. Wait a minute! I do have something that will cheer you up. I have some great ideas for serving carrot and celery sticks that will make your next family gathering a smash hit. Let's go in the study and talk about it. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---Thursday November 5, 2009 (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 5th, 2009
3:13 pm	Baseball, Murder, Cancer and On And On And On So the Yankees won. Finally. After 100 games or however many it was. Still, it counts as good news. Not good enough to erase all the years they not only didn't win the Series but all the years they didn't go at all. It also doesn't make up for the murder spree in Texas. Most of all, it doesn't make up for cancer. Yesterday it was Bill Wundram and today it's Laverne. Why doesn't cancer ever get it right? Well, it does sometimes but hardly ever. Barely enough to even mention. Tony Snow is the only case I can remember off the top of my head where cancer did something useful. I'm sure there are others but why is that so rare? Why didn't I wake up this morning and see that Rush Limbaugh has a brain tumor (OOOps... bad example because he would have to have a brain to get a tumor in it so change that to colon cancer)? Is that too much to ask for? I don't think so but no, it's always Bill or Penny or George Harrison or Frank Zappa or Farrah Fawcett or Ted Kennedy or any one of a million others that we can't afford to lose. And the ones it should be getting rid of remain untouched. Another person that should get cancer is the person that Barb Ickes wrote about today...and she did such a good job that I had to create a brand new award: Local Writer Of The Day---It's going to be very unpredictable but I suspect that if you call your bookie right now and bet on Shane Brown to win every Sunday for as long as he keeps writing, you won't be disappointed---...but what did happen to her is pretty funny, anyway. I don't have time to go into a lot of depth about it, so I recommend you just go read it, but I will say that Income Maintenance Administrator Cathy Taylor for the Scott County Department of Human Services is a lot like my "boss," Putz "Shorty" McWorthless. I put boss in quotes because he never had any real power...unfortunately a lot of people were afraid to go over his deformed little head though and he managed to do a lot of damage...and now he mostly mows grass and scrubs toilets. I hope the same fate awaits Cathy Taylor. Out of all the problems that need to be fixed in America, this is one of the biggest. And we can't count on cancer getting rid of them, so I hope that everyone who has a problem at work, school or wherever goes over the idiot's head or notifies OSHA, the Labor Relations Board or whatever else body that may be concerned or gets a good lawyer and sues. Or all of the above. And if anyone tries to tell you that life just isn't fair sometimes and you should just live with it, well, just crush them under the immense wealth you got from the settlement because we can't count on cancer getting rid of them, either and Freedom Of Speech also applies to dolts. Speaking of dolts who are just dumb beyond all belief and yet still have a right to say whatever is on their minds, I want to extend my sympathies to the anti-abortion crowd because the parental notification law here in Illinois was blocked again. I feel sorry for you because I know your invisible friend who lives in the sky and grants wishes doesn't like abortion. But hey, you won in Maine on the gay marriage issue. Enjoy that while you can. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---Wednesday November 4, 2009 (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 4th, 2009
3:02 pm	The Only Thing I Want To Catch This Fall Is Catch 35 If you happen to see Elton Jim and/or What's His Name this afternoon and you tell them I sent you and then say, "The only thing I want to catch this fall is Catch 35," they will give you a huge gift certificate for Catch 35. I'm not sure know much it's for, $10 million maybe, $25 million, possibly, but I'm sure that it's enough to get you started at the bar. And that's where I recommend you start and finish the evening. Don't even leave the bar. And skip dinner. Just have them roll the dessert cart up to your bar stool when you start to feel hungry. Yeah, it's partly because of that old piece of folk wisdom that goes, "Life is uncertain so eat dessert first," but it's also because it's been the kind of day that just demands that you don't dilute your alcohol, fat and sugar with anything even remotely resembling what any old unfun person calls real, wholesome or healthy. Unless you want to stop and get a banana split on the way home, because you can slip the bananas, which are real, healthy and wholesome through a loophole if you request extra chocolate syrup and whipped cream. By then, the food referees should be too drunk to pay attention to what you're eating, anyway, but you can never be too careful. And then tomorrow, maybe things will be...well, not better, because things never get better but maybe it will be a little less horrible than today was. This was yet another of those days that Uncle Bobby called a character builder. Without the snow. Bob usually, not always but usually, reserved the moniker, "Character Builder," for heat waves and blizzards but today qualifies. The Democrats lost a couple of key elections and the Yankees might lose tonight or whenever it is they play again. And then Craig B. Hulet spent all morning reminding us just how sad infuriating this country is (That's always painful and depressing to listen to but it is necessary and Craig gets Coast Guest Of The Day). Then there was all the other usual bad news, too, but it didn't end there. Because then I looked at the Quad City Times and discovered that my Number Two Favorite Local Writer, who I've been reading since around 1972, has cancer. Bill said he's going to beat it and I'm taking his word for it but it's still upsetting. Upsetting enough to stay in the bar all night and eat at least one of everything on the dessert menu. Smoke all you want, too. Even though you have to go outside now and that's a huge pain in the neck, it's still worth it. It won't get you out of here any faster, though. If there were the slightest bit of truth in all those tobacco scare stories, I would have been gone a long time ago and wouldn't have had to go through this day or any of its' clones that came before it. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---Tuesday November 3, 2009 (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 3rd, 2009
3:01 pm	Just Another Stairway To Nowhere I don't have to tell you to not believe everything you read. Or see. Especially what you read in the papers and see on TV but since not everyone is as smart as you are...you knows the ones I'm talking about, the missing link mouth breathing troglodytes who automatically accept everything the hippie liberal bed-wetting commie dangerously radical drive-by media tells them as an absolute fact...I have to get a jump on the drop-out beatnik criminal element libel artists who pass as journalists these days and say that I am not advocating a return to slavery. All I said is that people should be property and I should have the right to own them. And I know that some people are going to say that there is only the finest of lines between that and slavery but that's only until they see what a good reason I have for it. You see, I got this great idea today...where it came from, I have no idea. Great ideas are like that a lot of the time. They just magically appear out of nowhere, for no reason. I was just innocently sitting here in my office, minding my own business, listening to the radio and there it was. Bang! Just like that, I somehow knew that I had to build a stairway to Heaven. So I went to my Head Architect, Clerestory, and explained my plans to her, and she said, "Why? Just have Bunni (Miss Bunni is my Chief Executive Vice President In Charge Of Mystical Affairs and Head Astrologer and she's really good at opening doorways between dimensions) create an opening and just walk through it like you always do." "That's boring," I explained, very slowly, because Clerestory isn't very bright and has a hard time grasping good ideas. "That's why I want Miss Bunni to create a stable perpetual opening between here and Heaven, only a thousand miles above the game room and I want you to bridge the gap with a solid gold staircase, or, if that's too expensive, a gold plated one. As long as it looks good. Oh, and an elevator, too, because I hate using the stairs." That's when she went off the deep end...why are there so many short sighted people out there and why do so many of them end up around me?...but she finally agreed to build a thousand foot gold painted iron staircase to Heaven along with an elevator the minute I convinced Suzette (I'm still not sure how or why but she controls all the money around here even though she's just my Chef De Cuisine and Chief Executive Vice President In Charge Of Domestic Bliss, not my treasurer) that it wasn't the most idiotic idea I had ever had. "I suspect, though," She went on, even though it was way past the point where she should have stopped talking, "That she'll use this to finally have you committed." Then she went on and explained how ancient civilizations, like the Greeks, Romans, Egyptians and Celts did things like this with slave labor because it was cheaper and more reliable. I decided to not bother trying to explain to her that crazy people can't have sane people locked up in rubber rooms and instead said, "Slavery is wrong but if I could buy a bunch of workers and save a ton of money on labor costs, that wouldn't be so bad. How much would it save?" She did some quick calculations and said, "Roughly $100 million. But, sorry, it's illegal." "For the moment, perhaps. Barack owes me a lot of favors, so I'll run it past him and we'll see what happens. In any case, just start drawing up the plans and then order the materials. I'm going to go talk to Suzette now and then I'll call Barack and I figure we can start first thing in the morning, " I said. "And find out how much dancing girls cost. If I'm going to be saving $100 million, I should put some of it back into the economy." "I'll get right on it," She said. "And don't worry, I'll come see you every week." I don't know what she meant by that and I didn't have time to find out. I had to get this project rolling so I went to tell Suzette about the stairway to Heaven, the return of owning workers...which is not slavery...and that she was going to give me all the money it would require. Then I had to get the President to write a little executive order that would allow me to buy and sell people. I'd love to tell you how those conversations went but I can't because I have to go now. The judge wants to see me again. You know, there's nothing wrong with cross dressing, if that's what you're into, but if you're a guy wearing a dress, you shouldn't be trying to tell me I'm crazy. Anyway, the only thing you need to know is that I am not now, nor have I ever been in favor of bringing back slavery. All I ever wanted to do is own a few thousand workers and some dancing girls to save a little money. And if any reporter or editor tries to tell you otherwise, just remember that they are lying to you. And they are the reason the economy is failing. Now, go have a town hall meeting speak out about about how all those traitors are ruining America and I'll get back to you tomorrow with my next good idea. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---Monday November 2, 2009 (Comment on this)
Monday, November 2nd, 2009
10:51 am	Today's Random Coast Notes For the first time ever---I think, so don't take this for gospel---we have two Coast Guests Of The Day. Dinesh D'Souza and Prof. Ken Warren both win for talking about how ridiculous "Science" is when it talks about things as if it knew what it was talking about and how it tries to pass off wild guesses as facts and the scam that is red light cameras, respectively. This was a really really good show. And it would have given The Night Hawk Coast Host Of The Day if he hadn't lost so many points last week when he let the Worst Coast Guest Of The Week, Mary Ann Winkowski get away, unchallenged, with saying that no sane person would ever commit suicide. Suicide could very well be the worst thing a person could ever do...it seems like a scam to me, sort of like a pay day loan and thus far, everything that seems to be too good to be true turns out to be false but that's still just a guess and nothing more...but if you're going to say it as if it's a known fact and then go even further by saying you would have to be crazy to do it, you should be prepared to back it up with something (Something more than empty talk) and the person interviewing you should demand that you do so or retract your statement. So George has to do a lot more shows like this and bring out a lot more blockbuster guests if he wants to even be considered for Coast Host Of The Year...which Ian has already won but there could be two Hosts Of The Year. Still, though, this show was really good and it gets 84 out of 10 stars. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---Sunday November 1, 2009 (Comment on this)
10:48 am	I'm Freshly Showered, That Should Count For Something Who would have ever thought that Rick Springfield could ever be good at anything? Not me or you or anyone else. But that didn't stop the powers that be behind Californication (We call him Dave around the office) from using him...I think this was the second episode---Glass Houses---in a row, maybe the third that he has been in...and proving all of us wrong. Rick is not only interesting and funny but he's a pretty decent actor as well. I know it sounds impossible but it's true and it's yet more evidence that Californication is the best show on TV. It's all also further evidence that you shouldn't just dismiss second rate soap opera actors and pop singers because they might just have a lot of hidden talent. But what about teenagers? Are they ever good for anything? I ask that because while I think that Hank and Karen are really overreacting to a lot of things that Becca is doing but there are other things that I think they are right to be upset about. And her little friend Chelsea, who I used to like until she made that crack about Karen's apartment being too small ("I've seen bigger dorm rooms," Is how she put it, I think) and how based on that, she isn't economically sound enough to raise her own daughter and now I think she should shipped off to a private boarding school in Switzerland run by ex-Nazis for five years or however long it takes to adjust her attitude. The wine thing was, along with Hank's advice on how to cope with being really drunk and Becca throwing up on Dean Koons, very funny but I can understand how it made her parents angry. And what are they going to do now? Drag her back to New York out of spite? Maybe. But only for an episode or two at most, because the name of the show is Californication. They are locked into California. What they could do, and I wonder if Becca has considered this, is move to a small, rural and very dull town in California, and there are are plenty to choose from and then growing up for her would be just like it was for me...only with a nicer climate. I suspect, though, that Karen will just move back to LA and they'll all just somehow work their way through Becca's growing pains. And Hank's sleeping with his T.A., student/stripper and (Very soon now) boss (And Chelsea's mother) all at the same time. You could almost feel sorry for Karen if it weren't for the fact that she already knows that all this is going to happen. So let's forget that and just concentrate on the three-way lesbian scene between Jackie, Jill and Felicia which should be coming any minute now. And will Karen just give up and go with the flow, so to speak and join in and make it a four-way lesbian scene? That's what I'm betting on because I'm not a downbeat negative pessimistic psychic vampire like you. And maybe if you could be upbeat and positive like for me for once, we could, through mass intention, make it happen. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---Sunday November 1, 2009 (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 1st, 2009
4:50 am	It's The Day After Halloween, You Bastards I got up a little later than usual this morning...yeah, I know what Ben said about early to bed and early to rise but look where it got him. He's dead now and doesn't that make you question his whole belief system?...and I've either fallen into a warp warp or WOC is replaying an old Ghost To Ghost, because Art is on. I know that I'm in a man made time warp, or at least I'm supposed to be, because the whole country fell back last night but did it end with one hour or did it snowball out of control? Did we fall back a mere 60 minutes or was it 60 years or more? Or somewhere in between? It will probably be some time before we know, if we ever know at all. The Internet is suggesting, foremost by it's mere existence and secondarily by the good news it's reporting about baseball, politics and a victory over a fascist school in Indiana that the frame dragging caused by the artificial time change was minimal at most but we just don't know for sure. I will probably at a later, most likely a much later, time talk about all those news stories but not now because the one thing we know with certainty is that while there was a lot of falling back last night, there was also a lot of falling down. It wasn't officially a Halloween Party because a bunch of power mad dictators said that we already had enough Halloween parties this year but there were lots of people in costumes, lots of Halloween style drinks and games and it was Halloween, so you can make that call yourself and now, Fifi is doing the best she can to repair the damage with these: ------------------------------------- Screwed-Up Screwdriver 1/4 cup ice 1/2 cup orange or tangerine juice 1 1/2 ounces black vodka 1 black licorice twist, for garnish Place ice in a highball glass. Pour juice into glass. Pour vodka over the back of a cocktail spoon into glass so it sits on top of juice. Slice ends off a licorice twist and use as a straw. ------------------------------------- A lot of people, mostly neighbors, oddly enough, are still here and most of them are making fun of me for using strawberry licorice instead of black licorice because I don't like black licorice. Art...not Art Bell because he always has better things to do than go to my Halloween Parties and I can't blame him because I'd like to get out of these dull ordinary affairs myself but the Reverend Arthur Dimmesdale, who lives and works next door at The First National Church Of Rock Island...says that it is proof that I am the Evil One, because who else but Satan himself would choose red over his favorite color, black, for the express purpose of tricking everyone into believing he's innocent? And isn't red the color of eternal flame and the Prince Of Darkness' cloak? Whatever. He's just upset that he has to go to work in a few hours and he's taking it out on me. Kids, write this down: If you don't want to work on Sundays, don't be a minister. Or a NASCAR driver. Speaking of kids, a lot of people are saying, because they are jealous that I'm a million times more grown up and mature than they'll ever be, that I should take my desecrated Screwed Up Screwdriver and go sit at the kiddie table but I won't do that because it's dominated by Pearl. A lot of her critics say that she is far more symbol than character and I can't really argue with that. Mostly because she reminds me so much of Suzette. But I also think it can be even more accurately said that Suzette and Pearl and all the others who resemble them are even more than symbols, they are living embodiments of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy That Is Out To Get Me. That hypothesis still has some rough edges that need to be refined but it's plenty good enough for a Sunday morning like this. And I think I'm going to leave these people: Art and his lovely wife, née the Widow Hibbins, Pearl, John Wilson (Another reverend, strangely enough), Roger Chillingworth, the Governor and Suzette, Fifi, Dru, Miss Bunni, Miss Kitti and the rest of my staff and take my Screwed Up Screwdriver and Hester upstairs to see my new etchings. She came as a Naughty Puritan this year (That's what she comes as every year but she pulls it off so well that no one really minds) and I think that she just might be able to take my mind off the boring torture that is this typically mundane ordinary run of the mill morning after Halloween. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---Ian Punnett, WOC AM1420 (Comment on this)
Saturday, October 31st, 2009
4:29 pm	Today's Random Coast Notes For the second time this week, George has swept The Coast Awards. Arnie is especially happy about this because he's fifty-nine years old and had never won anything at all ever in his entire life but now he has not one but two Mr. Noory's Coffee Getter Of The Day awards. Apparently, he still doesn't rate any air time but he isn't even upset about that. He's no longer sad, depressed and bitter about doing all the real work and getting no recognition for it, either, because now he has an embarrassment of recognition. And he owes it all to Alice Cooper. And if JC had called in, he could be thanking him for his Mr. Noory's Coffee Getter Of The Year. It was that close. Gary S. Paxton was a super guest (Guest Of The Day, as a matter of fact), the appearance by Dr. Morgus, the atmosphere (Spooky voice-overs with nice little added touches like mentioning Transylvania) and finally finally FINALLY playing an Alice Cooper song very nearly put this one over the top. All they needed was JC...but having the guy on on Sunday who exposes what a scam red light cameras are might just do it...and that brings up a good question: Will JC call in tonight? When he's not even needed because Ian has already locked in Coast Host Of The Year...and you know he did that on purpose just to vex me because I don't have anything to hang over his head now until January... or maybe his nephew, Jethro? Or possibly both? That would be a typically Coast moment. The best caller in radio call in show history and his nephew, Jethro (I don't know if he's really on Team JC or just a wannabe but I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt until JC says otherwise) calling in when they aren't really needed. Anyway, I'm expecting good things from tonight's show...even though Ian technically doesn't have to do anything because he's already Coast Host Of The Year...maybe an appearance by Art? A short interview with Alice Cooper? Some perfect musical gem that everyone...including me for some odd unexplainable reason...has totally forgotten about? There are endless possibilities and I expect to be pleasantly surprised. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---Friday October 30, 2009 (Comment on this)
2:54 pm	You Two Are Great Together. Good Luck With That I hope the writers of Californication...usually Tom Kapinos and Gina Fattore according to the web site...were paying attention to this week's episode, Slow Happy Boys, which was written by Tom (I still say the writing on this show is always a group effort because it seems so disjointed much of the time but since the official word on the street is that Tom wrote this one, I'll go along with it) and you'd think they would since it's their job to write the show. Before I go on, let me say that even though the writing is disjointed a lot of the time...and downright amateurish in places...that is no reason to not watch the show because they get almost everything else right almost all the time and it is the best show on TV. And when the writing is on, it comes close to perfection. Such as they did this week with Sue Collini who is played by Kathleen Turner. For weeks, they have been turning her into a cartoon character à la Charlie and Marcy and I was coming to the conclusion that she was just a waste of A List talent but then they (Mostly Kathleen but the writer(s) get(s) a little credit for this, too) reversed my opinion in one scene. They gave her a situation---preventing a fight between Hank, Zlos and a transvestite---along with a couple of great lines and Kathleen took those raw materials and in a few seconds transformed a dullish one dimensional character who was getting very boring very fast into one that's now fully fleshed out and interesting. I wish they would do that with Charlie and Marcy. Not that they haven't tried, numerous times, but they have always failed. Not always miserably, because a few times they have come close but usually they try to do it with a pathetically forced situation---Believe it or not, the fight that was about to erupt between Hank, Zios and the transvestite came off as natural and believable as a discussion about politics, only lots more interesting---and a lot of really lame lines. So that's why I hope all the writers pay really close attention to this episode. Before I go any further, I need to remind my critics that the rule prohibiting writers from using inane, forced, awkward situations and really lame dialogue is another one of those rules that doesn't apply to me. Have we got that straight, now? Good. Now we can talk about Karen. According to my top secret super deep undercover intelligence network, she is back in LA to convince Hank to move back to New York and since that is as hard as convincing Dean Martin to have a drink, the dramatic conflict comes in the form of Becca, who (Still, because that was the plan when Karen went to New York in the first place) doesn't want to move. This is the sort of thing that redeems the writer(s) and makes you forgive him/her or them for all the sins they commit. It would be nice if they were like me and never did any sinning at all but you can't have everything. Speaking of everything, why don't we just wrap this one up with a question, "Can we please have Stephen Root back for another episode or two?" Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---Friday October 30, 2009 (Comment on this)
Friday, October 30th, 2009
1:59 pm	It's Friday, You Bastards This is it. Over my objections...have you ever noticed that just about everything that happens on this dull stupid little planet happens over my objections? Do you think that's just a coincidence? If you do, you're just the person I've been looking for. Stick around after this is finished and all the people who are too dumb to recognize a good deal when they see it are gone because I want to tell you how to transform your debt into wealth overnight, for free and I'm only gonna charge you $695. Then, because I like you, for just another 29.95, I'm going to give you some magic pills that will make you lose all the weight all you want while making you live forever. Then, I'm going to tell you how your house is not an asset and how saving money is a one way ticket to Broketown plus a lot of other invaluable economic advice and that's only gonna cost you another $99.99 and I'm going to throw in a reminder that buzzed driving is drunk driving for free---because it seems like the right thing to do---you just pay separate shipping and handling...this is our last Halloween Party for 2009. Not that it matters all that much. I don't know if I told you or not, but my Halloween was ruined like three weeks ago and it was even ruined earlier than that but I patiently and good-naturedly overlooked those first transgressions and didn't officially declare my Halloween ruined until...until...well, I can't remember exactly what they were but I do remember that they were huge and unforgettable! And, now, just because the stupid calendar says that Halloween is tomorrow, we can't have another Halloween Party next week! This is the very same outdated narrow minded boorish bigoted kind of thinking that prevents the human race from progressing past the barbarian stage. It also stops girls from dressing like vampires, cops, prisoners, French Maids, nurses, devils, angels, cowgirls, pirates and witches after October 31 and that's the part that really hurts! As if that isn't enough, someone made Kitty Litter Cake again. I know that you wouldn't dare defy my edict and eat any of it but that doesn't make up for the fact that someone defied my edict to not make it. I'm not going to mention any names but I really hope that Suzette wears a naughty schoolgirl uniform tonight because no one has ever needed to stay after school and learn a thing or two about respect for authority and the importance of following the rules than she does. Why is it so hard for some people to grasp that I'm in charge and what I say goes? When I say jump, why can't they say, "How high?" Like they're supposed to, instead of, "Stick it in your ear?" And I had to clean that up because I know that Halloween is a big holiday for kids. Thank Wonder Woman...that's who Fifi dressed up as this year and I don't mean to editorialize here but she fills out the outfit very nicely...for alcohol. She even worked overtime today and came up with not one but two drinks for tonight: ------------------------------------------------------ Black Widow 1 1/2 oz. SKYY Infusions Raspberry 1/2 oz. Triple Sec 2 oz. Pomegranate Juice Squeeze of Fresh Lemon Juice Raspberry Syrup Draw a spider web on the inside of a chilled martini glass with raspberry syrup. Combine all ingredients in a cocktail shaker with ice. Shake vigorously and strain into chilled martini glass. Garnish with plastic spider. Wicked Witch Apple Punch 1 750 ml bottle SKYY Infusions Passion Fruit 1 750 ml bottle Sparkling Apple Cider 1 64 oz. bottle Cranberry Juice Cocktail 1 Liter Ginger Ale 2 cups Pineapple Juice Red Apple Slices Combine all ingredients in a large black witch’s cauldron with ice and stir. Garnish with large slices of red apple floating on top and dry ice. ------------------------------------------------------ We also have a theme tonight---and you can tell that the Party Theme Committee worked really hard on it---: Scary People, Part Three and Miss Bunni, my Chief Executive Vice President In Charge Of Mystical Affairs and Head Astrologer has parted the veil between the living and the dead and brought Jack The Ripper, Albert Fish, Richard Nixon and Lizzie Borden, et al, here. Yeah, I know you that you and me both know that Liz never even hurt, let alone killed anyone but plenty of people still think she did it and she is fun to party with. And it's hilarious watching her freak out the people who think she's guilty by waving her ax at them while shrieking, "You're next!" Of course, four of my closest friends, Vlad, Ivan IV, Adolph and Ted aren't here. Because Suzette doesn't like them. She says they're murderous blood sucking ghouls and bums. Even though only one of them actually drank blood. And those stories were highly exaggerated at that! Truman Capote is here though and when he gets drunk enough, he is kind of like those four, at least in attitude if not in deed. And if enough people do enough stupid things tonight...and you can pretty much count on that...we'll get a new book out of it. Just as soon as he finishes Answered Prayers. Which means we'll never see it. Oh well. As I said, Halloween is already ruined anyway, so what does it matter? So just drink a lot and try to make the best of it. AND DON'T EAT THE KITTY LITTER CAKE! Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---Thursday October 29, 2009 (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 29th, 2009
3:03 pm	Today's Random Coast Notes Before we get to this morning's Coast, I want to congratulate The New York Yankees. That was very big and overwhelmingly generous of them to let Philadelphia win one game. Game one. IN NEW YORK! And now that they have scored a few billion Karma points with God for taking last night off, they can return to the business of winning and steamroll that minor league suburb for the next twelve or however many more games there are and just get this thing done. If you live in Philadelphia, don't take that crack about Philly being a minor league suburb the wrong way. I used to live in Philadelphia and I love it as much as you do but, unlike you, I'm honest enough to admit that it's just another suburb of New York. Now go have a cheese steak, chill out and accept that the natural order of the Universe dictates that New York must win. Now that Baseball Talk is out of the way, let's move onto this morning's edition of Coast To Coast AM. If you haven't heard it yet, get StreamLink and do it now. No, do it after I'm done because I'm way a way better use of your time than a dumb radio program. Except when Dan Aykroyd is the guest. Well, I still am but I can't say it out loud because you know what huge delicate egos these mega stars have. As you may have guessed, this show swept today's Coast Awards. Dan gets Best Guest Of The Day, George gets Host Of The Day, Tommy gets Producer Of The Day and so on, right down to Arnie, the guy who gets George's coffee and he wins Mr. Noory's Coffee Getter Of The Day. The only flaw in the show, the one that makes it get only 109 instead of 110 stars out of ten is that JC didn't call in. It also prevents George from automatically tying Ian in the Coast Host Of The Year race. So, the Night Hawk has to keep working hard if he wants to get CHY. And how will he do it? His greatest strength is in getting blockbuster guests and I predict he will go with it. The interesting question is, how will the other hosts fight back? George Knapp let it slip that he used to correspond with Tom Robbins and getting him on would automatically get him CHY. Along with Ian, because he already locked up his spot with his tribute to War Of The Worlds. And will Ian fight back, even though he has already won? He just might. So these last two months of the year could be filled with top shelf guests and prize winning surprises. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---Wednesday October 28, 2009 (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 27th, 2009
3:02 pm	Do You Feel Lucksy, Punk? Well, Do Ya? That's today's Phrase That Pays...but I think it will work just as well if you say lucky instead of lucksy. That's a good thing because I know some of you would feel dumb saying, "lucksy." And I wouldn't want you to miss out on a great $25 gift certificate to Luxbar because of a little embarrassment. If Elton Jim gives you a hard time, just tell him I sent you. Also tell him I'm not even blaming him for the cupcake car debacle. Even though I should. And What's His Name because it's 100% his fault, too. I know they did this to me on purpose. And then they started feeling guilty about it and had George Wendt a few days later to make up for it. It was a great interview but it doesn't make up for not having a cupcake car. And what do I do? I forgive them, anyway, because I'm a Saint. Suzette, too, because it was also 100% her fault. I came home the other day and said, "Hey, give me $25,000 (Even though I'm constantly signing multi-million dollar book, movie and TV deals, my agent only gives me $8.50/hour to write, produce, create, direct, etc etc etc them and I never have any money but for some reason I can't quite figure out yet, my staff is always loaded and even when they're sober, they have lots of money) because I'm buying..." That's when she cut me off with, "No. You're not buying a cupcake car." How did she know what I was going to say? It's her spooky mind reading ability brought about by senility. So, I didn't even ask her how she knew. I just said, "You don't understand. Elton Jim and What's His Name were talking about it and saying how reasonable they are and how everyone has to have one. It was like listening to Consumer Reports. In fact, I think one won't be enough, so make it $100,000 so I can get four of them. No. Make it an even million because you know how these things go, there's gas and insurance and doc fees and what would be the point if I don't get the sport mirror package?" "Gary, Elton Jim and everyone else were talking about how stupid the whole thing is and making fun of the idiots who would buy one," She said. I very patiently...because I'm sensitive about the illness that's eating her brain and making her act like a moron...explained to her that she completely misunderstood everything and she better give me a million bucks right now or else. That's when she got mad about nothing and started another stupid fight for no reason, just like she always does. At that point, I not only had to make her see how crazy she is but I also had to win a stupid argument, too. Like I have time for that. Not that winning a fight is a big deal for someone like me because I'm unbeatable but it's still annoying that I have to constantly do it. It's like I'm Muhammad Ali and every girl in the world thinks she's Joe Frazier...except, unlike Muhammad, I've never been defeated. Not even in Madison Square Garden. So this was yet another easy one round victory for me and I should be taking a victory lap in one of my brand new cupcake cars right now. Except...and this is the really unbelievably stupid part...I can't because I don't have a cupcake car! I don't know how or why but life is always totally unfair to me like that. I just hope you're lucksier with cupcake cars than I am. but, if not, have a few million beers when you get to Luxbar and try to forget that they even make stupid cupcake cars that you can't have. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---Monday October 26, 2009 (Comment on this)