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|Friday, April 19th, 2013|
|It's Friday, You Bastards
Before we get to the reason we are gathered here today which is the huge weekly party, I've got a little business for you to take care of. Please file this under This Explains A Lot That We Already Knew: Study: Belief in an angry God associated with variety of mental illnesses http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2013/04/17/study-belief-in-an-angry-god-associated-with-variety-of-mental-illnesses/.
Now, compare and contrast that with what Randi Rhodes (http://www.randirhodes.com/main.html
) said the other day about something or other and...What? I'm being too vague? No way but fine, whatever makes you happy, just give me a second. I know it's around here somewhere. Ah, here it is. On April 10, 2013, she said, "One Montana state rep said he had pledged his life to his wife and to Christ, and that voting to repeal the sodomy law would violate those pledges. Someone should explain to..." The rest of that section is kind of hard to read because someone spilled coffee on it (It wasn't me because I don't drink coffee so take your vigilante posse elsewhere and lynch someone else) and the next legible part is, "He has a dysfunctional relationship with Christ..." and the rest is unreadable because someone else has spilled something else on it (I would say that it was possibly the same perp who spilled the coffee but then you would just say I'm a conspiracy nut again so I'm nipping that in the bud by saying it's an unrelated Hate Crime perpetrated by the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy That's Out To Get Me) but it doesn't matter because we now have enough.
Oh what now? Did someone turn on the "Ask Stupid Questions Now" sign in the Peanut Gallery? They must have because how else can we account for such a dumb question? But fine, since you asked, I will answer, "Yes, I do take notes when Randi is talking. Doesn't everyone?" And now could you be quiet long enough to allow me to steer this train wreck back onto the tracks and it would really help out a lot if you didn't derail it anymore. In other words, stop talking.
Now, where were we? Ah, yes, our point thus far is this: Simply believing in God does not necessarily make you a dangerously unstable retarded control freak, such as a certain unnamed Senator from Montana but believing in a an angry vengeful God always does (Don't take my word for it or even the word of a bunch of scientists. Read anything Jesus ever said and then connect the dots). Which is something all of us already knew but it's nice that a scientific study has finally indicated that we were right all along. And I can't tell you what a relief that is. Because it finally cures what I call the Ian Punnett Syndrome which is the bad, almost guilty feeling that you get when you say that everyone who believes in God is nothing but an uneducated superstitious fool.
Because there are so many people like Ian who are the polar opposite of uneducated, superstitious and foolish and yet they believe there is a God. But they always, lending weight to the aforementioned study, believe in a kind, loving and forgiving God rather than an angry sadistic one. On top of that, to further confuse the issue, they are so cool that they have ice cubes dripping out of their noses. And for some reason, when you qualify your statements about their beliefs by saying things like, "I have nothing against religious people. Some of my best friends and servants believe in God and I wouldn't want them joining my country club or living in my neighborhood of course and we should stop letting them vote but there is nothing wrong with them. As long as they stay in their place," people jump to all kinds of illogical conclusions and call you a religious bigot.
But, thanks to the magic of science, everything is different now. Now we can differentiate and divide and conquer by saying, "If you believe in a kind, loving and forgiving God, you're fine. Delusional but harmless. You can even join our country clubs and move into our neighborhoods and vote. Just be careful if you're in Florida because some gun owners tend to stay old fashioned, especially when you move into their neighborhoods and thanks to the Stand Your Ground laws, they do have the legal right to hunt you down and shoot you. Especially when you move into their neighborhoods. But the rest of you, you people who think AIDS is God's wrath for not stoning homosexuals to death and the weather is going crazy because of Roe v. Wade, etc etc etc, you are a danger to yourselves and everyone else so we are locking you up in rubber rooms."
Stop fretting. You're gonna love the Funny Farm. Nurse Ratched is the kindest, most compassionate caregiver you'd ever want to meet and your padded cell is plenty big enough for you, your wife and Jesus to have all the Ménage à Trois's you want. You can even invite Mildred to join you. I don't know this from personal experience, of course, cause I'm not weird or anything, but I hear she has a huge assortment of interesting and highly effective restraints, so if you're into Bondage, you're gonna love it even more. Sometimes she even shows up when she's not invited and if that happens to you, it's just God's way of saying, "Thou art in a boring rut. Shakest things up a little. It would kill you to try something a little different now and then?" Why does God sound like someone in a Shakespeare play? What are you asking me for? I'm an English Major, not a Theologian!
OK, now that we've solved the religion quandary by throwing the nuts who believe in angry vengeful Gods to the lions and letting the others live among us as if they are completely normal...Oh will you PETA people relax already? We aren't poisoning actual lions. Didn't I make that clear? Lions is just a metaphor for the Loony Bin. I'm making a mental note to put you in the cell next to Ted Nugent so he can explain the difference between literal and figurative phraseology to you. The same way he explained it to the Secret Service. It's high time he did something useful...we can finally get to what we came here for. The mirth and merriment that is Friday night.
So let's get things rolling with the Theme Drink that Fifi, my Sommelier, invented for tonight:
Maude Frickert's Dream
2 oz Scotch
1 tsp white Curacao
1 tsp Amaretto
2 dashes Orange bitters
1/2 oz Lemon juice
1/2 tsp superfine Sugar
In a shaker half-filled with ice cubes, combine all of the ingredients. Shake well. Strain into a cocktail glass.
Obviously, that's Fifi's tribute to Jonathan Winters and we could go into that further but we won't because everyone is already depressed enough because of the bombing and the fertilizer plant explosion. So why don't you just go forget everything by eating, drinking and fully satiating all your other perverse appetites.
I'll join you as soon as I can but first I have to get to the bottom of an alleged terrorist attack that supposedly took place here last night. Don't worry, the alleged victim, Suzette, my Chief Executive Vice President In Charge Of Domestic Bliss and Chef De Cuisine, has fully recovered and is now fine. Physically, anyway. If she was ever injured at all. Take a big grain of salt and I'll tell you what she says happened.
She claims that sometime late last night or early this morning, a domestic terrorist entered the master-bathroom of our master-bedroom and raised and then left the toilet seat up which resulted in her being very surprised as well as cold and wet. And OK, it might be true. There are a lot of crazy, destructive and dangerous people out there and one of them might have snuck into the bathroom and done this but is it really an issue now? Even if it did happen?
Like I said, Suzette is fine now. She is completely dry and warm again. No harm done. I personally checked the area she said was affected so you can move that from the Rumor over to the Confirmed Fact column. But, if you talk to her, you will see that in her mind, this is still an issue. Worse than that, though, is that she is calling me a suspect. Not a Person Of Interest, which would be almost plausible because I am one of the two people who do routinely use the alleged bathroom in question, so if you were an investigator who wanted to make sure every absurd I was dotted and every T was crossed, it would make sense to harass me by asking, "Did you do it?" And when I said No, you would then be free to pursue and bring the real culprit to justice.
You might even harass me further and waste more of my valuable time by asking if I had seen or heard anything that might shed some light on the case and that would be fine, too. Because I'm a good citizen who doesn't mind cooperating with the Gestapo and will always do whatever I can to help the authorities. So I would tell you everything I know about it, which is nothing, before politely ending the conversation with, "Look, Copper, you got nothing. No evidence and no witnesses, just a great big pile of circumstantial evidence that wouldn't convince a normal person, much less 12 people who aren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. I know that badge makes you feel big and tough but I know my rights so either charge me with something and set yourself up for the biggest wrongful arrest suit ever or let me go right now!"
I didn't say that to Suzette when she interrogating me as if I was guilty. I could have but I didn't, because I'm sensitive to alleged victims and their alleged injuries. Besides that, when I told her that the surveillance footage would clearly show that I was innocent and/or the whole thing was merely a figment of her overactive imagination, she reacted negatively. With a string of expletive laced insults and accusations in both English and French that were so wildly unfair and inaccurate that she should have her mouth washed out with soap for them. Then she ended the whole tirade with, "NO! You don't have a secret camera in there! Do you?"
So then I had to explain that I forgot to say that it was an alleged camera and theoretical surveillance footage that don't really exist and everything was as fine as it could be under the circumstances until the Liberal Drive-By Media attacked me again. On the cover of this morning's New York Post was a picture of me walking away from the alleged toilet with the alleged seat in the alleged upright position and a headline that says the FBI is looking for me. Like I don't have anything better to do than outwit a bunch of clowns who weren't good enough to even get in the CIA.
The picture is obviously PhotoShopped and faker than a three dollar bill but what good does that do when the court of public opinion has already decided you're guilty? I could demand a retraction and an apology but what would it accomplish? Once the toothpaste has been squeezed out of the tube, putting it back doesn't change the low information vigilante's mind. So, you see what I'm up against and I know exactly what you're thinking.
I should have Suzette committed because she's obviously crazy. And I would if she didn't look so good in her French Maid's uniform. So now I have to convince her that I had nothing to do with what she calls the rude, inconsiderate and unforgivably stupid alleged act of leaving the alleged toilet seat up. Which someone else did, not me! IF it did really happen at all! Remember, by the time I checked, she was warm and dry so how do we know she was ever cold and wet as she claims? Common sense, decency and logic all dictate that I'm innocent. All I have to do is convince her of it. And I have done it before. A few million times. Terrorists strike our bathroom a lot for some reason and they always try to frame me. So, don't worry about me, even though I am the real victim here because I'll be fine. Eventually. But, the next time someone tells you you are innocent until proven guilty, go ahead and laugh in their face. Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: Morning Show With Mark And Steve---WOC AM 1420
|Tuesday, April 16th, 2013|
|Another Pointless Unfocused Political Rant You Shouldn't Bother Reading Because Who Cares?
As terrorist attacks go, the incident in Boston yesterday (http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2013/04/15/17767721-boston-on-high-alert-after-marathon-bombing-kills-3-injures-scores?lite
) was a complete failure and a gift from Fate to the anti-gun movement. True, the injured count was impressive (I think the official number is currently 144) but no one cares about that. What we care about is the death count, which was 3, and you can whine and moan til you're blue in the face about how people will use other weapons to kill if we get rid of all guns (Which very very few people are trying to do anyway and everyone else just wants to restrict the most dangerous guns) but it's not going to impress anyone because here was a bombing that only killed three people while one guy with a bunch of guns can kill 20 kids in a school or 12 in a theater, while injuring 58 others.
And it's right on the heels of that big knife attack in Texas that killed no one. And of course, if you keep talking until you're even bluer in the face, your opposition can hit you with countless other examples that show that guns are really more dangerous than anything else, now even including bombs (And I don't want to get accused of starting a conspiracy theory or anything but just for the sake of argument, if you follow the money and see who had the most to gain from this attack, it will lead you straight to the NRA and judging by its' success you'd have to conclude that Ted Nugent was in charge of it). So, if you're clinging to your Bible and guns, this is a bad day for you.
Mostly. But it might be temporary. Because this insanely darkest hour might just lighten up for you in 2016. Check this out: Are your taxes fair? Increasingly, Americans say no (http://news.yahoo.com/taxes-fair-increasingly-americans-no-170232613.html
). If you read the article, you'll see that the Republicans are selling this idea as taxes being an assault on ordinary people and small business and they are the knights in shining armor who will save everyone. And of course, they are being just as honest as they ever are...Think Dick Nixon saying, "I'm not a crook," or Ronnie Reagan saying, "My heart and my best intentions still tell me that's true, but the facts and the evidence tell me it is not." Or George Sr. saying, "Read my lips, no new taxes." I could add volumes of quotes from Dubya but shooting fish in a barrel isn't very sporting and you get the idea anyway. This is marketing and lying, not honesty, is what make it tick.
Anyway, the point is that no one likes taxes, despite what they might say to pollsters and the Democrats just keep shooting themselves in the foot with it. Right now, the official numbers don't look all that bad---70% of Liberals, 59% of Moderates and 45% of Conservatives think that taxes are fair---but how accurate are they and how long will they last? Especially if the Republicans manage to dig up someone with the "charisma" of Ronald Reagan? You think they're going to make a mistake like Mitt Romney twice in a row? It is possible but I wouldn't count on it.
What I would do is give Barack a huge neon sign that reads, "IT'S THE ECONOMY, STUPID!" And then I would remind him that when Warren Buffett complains because he pays less in taxes than his secretary, he isn't talking talking just to hear himself talk, he's illustrating a major problem that needs to be solved. Yesterday.
Likewise, when Randi Rhodes (http://www.randirhodes.com/main.html
) complains about the shift in the percent of taxes corporations pay versus what individuals pay, she isn't doing it because she loves the sound of her own voice. It's another problem that needs to be solved yesterday. And what do we get for all the taxes we pay?
Well, for one thing, we get to sign petitions like this one, http://www.signon.org/sign/opposition-to-social?id=65726-10161637-x3t4Dbx&t=1,
in the hope that old people won't have to suffer more than they already are. And in the meantime, 16.7 million kids are still starving in America (http://feedingamerica.org/hunger-in-america/hunger-facts/child-hunger-facts.aspx
) and many of them are homeless as well and what does Michelle do? She keeps complaining about obese kids.
I think she'd get a lot more mileage out of taking hungry kids to McDonald's and letting them eat all they want and then bring a bunch of anorexics and encourage them to eat. I know obesity is a big problem but hunger and anorexia are too and telling an Olympic champion on the Tonight Show that she made a mistake by going to McDonald's is no way to make friends and influence people.
And, you think the Tea Party is dead? Maybe but I have my doubts. Look at what just happened here with our courthouse (http://wqad.com/2013/04/09/rock-island-courthouse-referendum-fails/
). They packaged this thing as a Tea Party issue...I think that's not true, I think it was actually another message to end the war on drugs but whatever, the perception is that it was a Tea Party issue and that's what matters.
I know you don't care because Rock Island County is a tiny little inconsequential backwater that doesn't matter to anyone but if you look at us like a canary in coal mine, you should care because if the Tea Party can win here they can win anywhere. And that could very well mean eight or more years of someone just like Mitt Romney---except with an electable personality.
There are thousands of other examples I could have used (Did you notice that I didn't even remind you that Bill Maher said the Liberals could lose him?) but you know what they are and the upshot is the Democrats have a golden opportunity to bring the Republican Party back to life by, for the most part, being unresponsive and generally making everything worse and they seem to be making the most of it. I just hope they change direction sometime here in the immediate future or the Republicans pick Mitt again. Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: Morning Show With Mark And Steve---WOC AM 1420
|Sunday, April 14th, 2013|
|The Astros Are in The Catholic League!
Most of the reviews for my last post have been reading a lot like this, "What's Pompeii and what does it have to do with lava and Italian babes? Is it some new club on the Big Island or what? Or do you mean Lava, the soap? For being annoyingly unclear, I give this one two big thumbs down." And my response has been, "How can a bunch of critics who are so hyper-connected to Google that they can literally take it into the outhouse with them not know what Pompeii is?" Furthermore, who died and made you Roger Ebert?
Oh yeah, right. OK, strike that last part. But I will say this: You can take your two thumbs down and shove them right up your...Nah. On second thought, strike that, too. For doing things like defending gay marriage and having the gall to vote for an uppity Negro, I'm already on Bill Donohue's Enemies List and he probably considers what I want you to do with your thumbs a form of sodomy. Which he is firmly against. So he says.
So I'm not going to do anything to further offend Bill. I'm just going to show a little video clip that kind of sums up how I feel about him:
Catholic League Leader OWNED On Gay Hypocrisyhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yu_ZL3Icll4&list=UU1yBKRuGpC1tSM73A0ZjYjQ
Was that awesome or what? I could listen to that clip all day. Except I can't because Cenk and Ben also did this one that I could listen to all day and in order to do both I have to find an Earth in a parallel Universe that has 48 hour days, except then a day would be 48 hours long but I still couldn't listen to both clips all day at the same time. See, kids, this is what happens to you when the President of The Catholic League puts you on his Enemies List. Oh, here's the other clip that's causing all this conflict:
Republican Ad: 'If Babies Had Guns They Wouldn't Be Aborted'http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ziOne2DEAkY&list=UU1yBKRuGpC1tSM73A0ZjYjQ
Again, awesomeness incarnate. And I'd like to add one thing or two if I may. Starting with, "How do you respond to people who look at life here and conclude that aborted babies are ticked off because they aren't being allowed to come here and enjoy all this famine, disease, war, poverty, pollution and other assorted suffering?" Especially the gay ones who would not only have to tolerate things like corporate profits being at an all time high while wages are at an all time low, if you're lucky enough to get a job in the first place because there 4-6 people who want to work for every job opening and if you can't find a job under those circumstances, guys like Dennis Miller will make you feel better by calling you stupid and lazy but would also have to listen to people like Bill tell them they are going to Hell on top of it?
Granted, these are the same people who look at the melting ice caps and say, "Global Warming is a hoax!" Because it was cold one morning in San Diego and a glacier somewhere has grown a whole three inches over the last forty years. Then they say the same things about suicide that they say about abortion. Because you'd have to be crazy to not want to be here. But really? Seriously? Isn't there some limit somewhere to willful blind stupidity? At some point doesn't the evidence become so great that even they have to say, "Life sucks! What kid in his or her right mind would want to be born here? Abortion is the right choice!"
And, not to change the subject or anything, but let's go back to the whole gun in the vagina thing. I know a lot of people get turned on by that because there are huge sub-genres of pornography devoted to it but isn't it an abstract thing? One of those things that you'd rather fantasize about rather than actually do? The only person I can think of who would actually like it in real life is my dentist. See, I keep chipping my teeth on the jewelry girls insist on wearing down there and I really don't want to think about what would happen if they started filling their downstairs piercings with loaded guns. That wouldn't be good for anyone, except for my aforementioned dentist, who doesn't even need it because she's already making a fortune off the damage caused by all the rings and barbells.
Try telling a Republican that, though. It's a losing battle. I just hope the gun in the vagina thing stays on bumper stickers and dirty movies and away from my teeth. Ladies, please remember, Bushmaster is just a name, not instructions on where to place it! Well, I have plenty more to say on all these subjects but I suppose I should stop now.
The last thing I need is for Rush to devote half his show tomorrow to explaining how I don't understand capitalism because how can you have a healthy vibrant free market economy without brand extensions such as the Krebs Custom line of fetus sized AK 47's? HOW HOW HOW??? And how is the private prison industry supposed to stay in business if we don't start imprisoning fetus's at birth for killing abortionists? Why don't we Drive-By Liberals ever make sense about anything?
Oh, sure, sometimes it's going to happen that the fetus is white and the murdered doctor is Black and then the juvenile delinquent will get off scott free under the Stand Your Ground laws---At least in Florida---but you can't win'em all and for the rest of them, it will be a literal cradle to grave life sentence in a private corporate prison. Just as God intended. And if people chip their teeth or worse on vaginal piercings filled with Calico Labia Liberties, that's just God's way of saying, "Sodomy is wrong!"
So I'm just going to quit while I'm ahead and not say any of those things. All this not talking has made me hungry, though. I just hope I can find a girl who hasn't yet been swayed by the Your Vagina Should Be Armed bumper stickers. Or if she has, that she has had enough Mimosas to be easily convinced that she should disarm before the fun begins. Because I like the
Leviticus Trap as much as the next guy but not so much when it morphs into Leviticus Trap Shooting. Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: The Real Don Steele, KHJ Los Angeles May 25, 1968 Pt.3
|Friday, April 12th, 2013|
|It's Friday, You Bastards
Today, everything just makes me angry, it’s not funny anymore. Things I once thought were funny are scary now. I often feel like a resident of Pompeii who has been asked for some humorous comments on lava. And people don’t know anything now. They’re all kids and they’ve never read a book. Who would get a Schopenhauer reference? What passes for satire is just easy targets. Irreverence has been subsumed by mere grossness.
~~~~Tom Lehrer, 2002
Is it an accident that Annette Funicello died on April 8 (2013---I am including the year here for you historians that haven't been born yet because when you finally come across this, all the date codes may have been stripped from it. They say that everything you put on the Internet is there forever and that might be true but determining the date that things were posted and the dates of the things they are talking about is oftentimes a challenge for some reason. Locations, too, and the same applies more and more often to newspapers as well but don't get me started on that), Tom Lehrer's 85th birthday was on April 9 and yesterday, which was April 10, one of my biggest hero's, Randi Rhodes (http://www.randirhodes.com/main.html
) discussed Bill O'Reilly's comments on Annette's death?
No, I'm not trying to drag you into some insane and pointless New Age discussion of how everything happens for a reason and we create our own reality---Which is really science rather than fluffy pseudo-scientific ersatz religion and you would know that if you stopped sleeping through Particle Physics 101 and if you still don't believe me, do a little homework. Start by Googling Spooky Action At A Distance and then move onto the really freaky stuff like the Three Slit Experiment and then there's plenty more and it gets spookier with every step---because there is nothing to discuss. We do create our own reality. We just don't know how or why. Which means we are all like toddlers playing with high powered military grade fully loaded fully automatic weapons and you know how that usually turns out.
What I am asking is, are all these coincidences really coincidences? Or do they mean something? And the reason I'm asking you is simple, it's because I don't know but I do know I can count on you to figure this out. Unless you're wondering what Tom Lehrer has to do with all this, cause if that's the case, you can sit this one out. All you should do is remember what Randi said yesterday about how Bill glamorized the 1950's and relate it to what Tom said at the time:
I Wanna Go Back to Dixie
I wanna go back to dixie,
Take me back to dear ol' dixie,
That's the only li'l ol' place for li'l ol' me.
Ol' times there are not forgotten,
Whuppin' slaves and sellin' cotton,
And waitin' for the robert e. lee.
(it was never there on time.)
I'll go back to the swanee,
Where pellagra makes you scrawny,
And the honeysuckle clutters up the vine
I really am a-fixin'
To go home and start a-mixin'
Down below that mason-dixon line.
That's just the first verse and relax, I'm going to give you the YouTube link so you can hear it all, but first, I want to remind you that Tom wrote this song in 1953 and it appeared on his first album, Songs By Tom Lehrer and you can hear the whole thing now and just for the fun of it, I'm going to include the entire lyric:
Tom Lehrer - I Wanna Go Back to Dixie
I wanna go back to Dixie,
Take me back to dear ol' Dixie,
That's the only li'l ol' place for li'l ol' me.
Ol' times there are not forgotten,
Whuppin' slaves and pickin' cotton,
And waitin' for the Robert E. Lee.
(It was never there on time.)
I'll go back to the Swanee,
Where pellagra makes you scrawny,
And the jasmine and the tear gas smell just fine
I really am a-fixin'
To go home and start a-mixin'
Down below that Mason-Dixon line.
Oh, poll tax, how I love ya, how I love ya,
My dear old poll tax.
Won'tcha come with me to Alabammy,
Back to the arms of my dear ol' Mammy,
Her cookin's lousy and her hands are clammy,
But what the hell, it's home.
Yes, for paradise the Southland is my nominee.
Jes' give me a ham hock and a grit of hominy.
I wanna go back to Dixie
I wanna be a dixie pixie
And eat cornpone 'til it's comin' outta my ears
I wanna talk with Southern gentlemen
And put my white sheet on again,
I ain't seen one good lynchin' in years.
The land of the boll weevil,
Where the laws are medieval,
Is callin' me to come and nevermore roam.
I wanna go back to the Southland,
That "y'all" and "shet-ma-mouth" land,
Be it ever so decadent,
There's no place like home.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ra3qnLXmJDM
And now for the easy and obvious softball question you've all been waiting for: What's the difference between Tom Lehrer and Bill O'Reilly? Answer: Tom is a brilliant satirist and Bill is a racist thug. And I don't want to dis any of you kids out there who think that anything old, especially when it comes to music, is bad and irrelevant, especially when you're busy dealing with brand new problems like white only proms (Georgia Students Fight to End Whites Only Segregated Prom -- in 2013! http://www.alternet.org/georgia-students-fight-end-whites-only-segregated-prom-2013
) and kids being shot only because they are black (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/news/trayvon-martin/
) but I am saying that maybe it wouldn't be a total waste of your time for you to listen to a song from 1953 once in a while and think about things. There are plenty of other songs from plenty of other years with plenty of things to say about all these brand new problems you have that you should take a look at too, and no, listening to old music isn't the solution but it just might be one of the early links in the chain that may one day lead to a solution. And yeah, I know, we've had these problems since the dawn of time and everything but wouldn't it be nice to get rid of them in your lifetime? I can't speak for anyone else but it would make me happy.
Now, for the other big question: Why didn't Randi play I Wanna Go Back To Dixie when she was talking about Bill O'Reilly? We'll probably never know but the leading theory is that it's because I'm not her producer. It would be big headed and boastful for me to say that if I were her producer things would be different so I can't and won't say that. All I can say is that no woman has ever said no to me before and if I had been there to say, "Randi, we really should play I Wanna Go Back To Dixie, especially since it was Tom's birthday yesterday," ...Well, you do the math.
And then have a drink. Because it's Friday and doing math is thirsty work. Especially when you go to all the trouble to arrive at the right answer but cheer up because this is your lucky day. Because Fifi, my Sommelier, has rewarded you by inventing this, tonight's Theme Drink:
3 oz Bourbon
1/2 oz White Creme de Menthe
1/2 tsp Southern Comfort
In a shaker half-filled with ice cubes, combine all of the ingredients. Shake well. Strain into a cocktail glass.
Now, is anyone up for Binders Full Of Italian Chicks in Bikini's, Covered With Lava? Oh, relax. Because of OSHA and the EPA, we aren't using real lava---It's just a very slippery and delicious strawberry flavored imitation that looks a lot like the real thing---and no Italian girls will be be harmed. You don't even have to be Italian to play. You just have to pretend to fit the Pompeii theme. If your an actress, it'll look great on your resume. And if you do want to be hurt, well I don't approve but it's your choice and if simply living here somehow doesn't satisfy your craving for pain and suffering, we will also be having the Masochism Tango in the dungeon. Again, I don't approve but that, too, will look good on your resume so do whatever you want. God forbid I should stand in the way of your career.
So there, go have fun and do whatever turns you on. Don't waste any time listening to me. Just, tomorrow, when you're sober again, listen to some old songs and pick up a physics book. Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: Coast To Coast AM---George Noory, WOC AM 1420
|Wednesday, April 10th, 2013|
|The Greatest Thing In The World
If Rachel Maddow (http://www.nbcnews.com/id/26315908/
) were here, she would say, "We have the greatest thing in the world for you," and then she would make you wait til the end of the show to see what it is. This is your lucky day because Rachel isn't here, because it leaves me completely in charge of The Greatest Thing In The World. And yeah, I know you'd rather have Rachel than me but the trade-off is that you get to see The Greatest Thing In The World right now, this very minute, at the very top of the show.
See, kids, this is exactly what your Sunday school teacher means when she says, "God never closes a door without opening a window." Rachel is the door God slammed in your face and I am the open window! You better be grateful, too, because your aforementioned Sunday school teacher isn't kidding when she says, "The moment they die, ungrateful children are personally flung into the boiling pits of sewage by Jesus Himself!"
So, I am going to show you the Greatest Thing In The World right now. After we have a drink. I know, I know, Rachel hardly ever makes drinks on Wednesday but she isn't here, is she? The only way you can interpret that is that she wants me to be in charge and she wants you to drink. If you're concerned because you're a Conservative and you think this is just some sort of Liberal Drive-By Media plot to trick you into becoming an alcoholic...That Rachel and I worked this all out in advance just to discredit you, you can relax.
Because you don't see Rand Paul here, either, do you? Don't you think he would be filibustering right now if the Tea Party didn't want you to have a drink? See? Everyone from Rachel right down to God and Rand Paul wants you to get plastered on Wednesday morning.
This is the most bipartisan cooperation you're likely to see in your lifetime! Unless the opportunity to enact a newer, more repressive Patriot Act arises and what are the odds of that? So let's turn this whole thing over to Fifi, my Sommelier, who, when she finished saying complementary things about me for getting her up at 6 AM, created this Theme Drink for Today's Greatest Thing In The World:
Tough Luck, Judges!
3/4 oz Dry Vermouth
3/4 oz Peach brandy
3/4 oz Gin
Juice of 1/4 Lime
Shake all ingredients (except cherry) with ice and strain into a cocktail glass. Top with the cherry and serve.
And now, as promised, right at the start of the show, here is today's Greatest Thing In The World: Rock Island County voters turn down bid to finance courthouse (http://qconline.com/archives/qco/display.php?id=634062
). I know the judges are upset and they tried to make defeating this a Tea Party thing. But it isn't. This is about law enforcement clogging the system and our facilities with frivolous cases and wanting us to pay for it. Stop enforcing stupid laws and fighting the war on drugs and when there are no more seat belt tickets being written and no kids being busted for smoking pot, we'll talk about a new courthouse if you still think you need one. And if the Tea Party happens to agree, well, chalk it up to the stopped clock being right twice a day theorem. But if they really did want this, wouldn't Rand be here?
Furthermore...Oh wow, look at the time! The show's over. Already? Wow, time really flies, huh? Oh well, my old Vaudeville friends tell me that I should always leave you wanting more and seeing that I don't have much choice right now, this is as good a time as any to start listening to them. My producer is going nuts. She's acting like the whole world is going to end if I don't get off the air 10 seconds ago, so I'll just say this, it's Wednesday, so you don't have to go to prison now. You can if you want and don't judge because lots of people do. And not just for the sex anymore because prisons also offer food, shelter and healthcare and they pay 25 cents an hour for manual labor, which is much more than Walmart pays, and that's the best deal lots of folks can get nowadays. So go wherever you want and do whatever you want, I have to sign-off now before my producer has a coronary. Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: Morning Show With Mark And Steve---WOC AM 1420
|Tuesday, April 9th, 2013|
|DING DONG, Thatcher's Dead!
Thanks to my boss, The Chief, I missed the all the big celebrations in England yesterday (http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2013/04/08/margaret-thatcher-dead-parties_n_3039028.html
). I was stuck all day in Oslo investigating a major nuclear weapons/G-String smuggling ring working out of the Lotus Show Bar (http://www.lotusshowbar.com/#
If nuclear weapons in the hands of exotic dancers worries you, you can relax because I have found no evidence of them so far. On the other hand, if multitudes of very shapely and attractive young Scandinavian ladies wearing G-Strings disturbs you, start worrying. Heavily. And often. If you're a Republican, just be patient until you get the White House again because the invasion plans for Norway have been drawn up and are just awaiting the President's signature. Because the WMD's must be around here somewhere, though I can't find them but it isn't for lack of looking, trust me on that, and only the GOP is smart enough to see it.
Righties, just keep repeating, "2016, 2016, 2016." And someday, it will be. Not in your lifetime, most likely, but don't give up hope. Jesus loves you. Not so much right now but my bookie, Shifty, The Norwegian, is giving you 50-50 odds on 3016 and that's the best deal you're ever going to get, so take advantage of it. And if that's not enough to make you happy, dig the next paragraph, which is the biggest bone I'm going to throw you today.
Just a few minutes ago, on his radio show, in front of God and everyone, Ed Schultz (http://www.bigeddieradio.com/
) said that marijuana should not be legalized. He thinks legalization is a bad idea and he hasn't changed my mind on the issue but I still respect his opinion and if that doesn't prove that God is in your corner, I don't know what does. I don't want to tell you how to run your life or anything but you'd probably win more elections if you had more faith. I don't want to rub it in but the truth is the truth and abortion, gun control, drugs and equal rights are all your fault. Because you suck at believing.
Notice I didn't mention gay marriage, because I don't want to kick you when you're down. That would just be cruelty for cruelties sake and I'm above that. That's why I'm throwing this train into reverse and going back to how wonderful it is that Margaret Thatcher is dead. Dead. Dead. I think Suzette, my Chief Executive Vice President In Charge Of Domestic Bliss and Chef De Cuisine, put it best when she said, "She was comme cul et chemise with Reagan."
Like most of the things Suzette says, I have no idea what that means but unlike most of the things she says, it sounds right. In the interest of fairness, though, I went to my friend Jeb for a dissenting opinion and as luck would have it, he had one. Sort of. Maybe. Here, I'll show you what he said and you can decide for yourself, "Sure, people are dancing and celebrating now but history will treat Margaret kindly! George, too!...Oh, the hell with it! Everyone hates them and always will. Just shut up, stop dancing and get me another damn beer!"
Just for the record, if you want to dance on Dubya's grave when he finally dies, there's a 16 year waiting list that's growing longer as we speak but forget about that because now we have to talk about another death that isn't joyous at all. Annette Funicello (http://www.nytimes.com/2013/04/09/movies/annette-funicello-mouseketeer-dies-at-70.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0
) died yesterday and yeah, it was a good thing for her because she could no longer speak or walk but it's not good for anyone else.
The only good thing that can come out of it is that Robert Osborne (http://www.tcm.com/this-month/article/488%7C0/Robert-Osborne-Biography.html
) will likely host a Beach Party marathon soon. Or maybe Ben (http://www.tcm.com/this-month/article/35501%7C34403/Ben-Mankiewicz-Interview.html
) will do it but either way, it's still not good news. And you know what's next, don't you? One of them will be doing an Andy Hardy marathon in honor of Mickey Rooney. I just hope I don't live long enough to see it.
Mickey was in the last Beach Party film...Not really, in a strictly technical sense but it was the last one starring Annette and Frankie and they are the ones that count the most...How To Stuff A Wild Bikini, and is that a coincidence? We can hope but in doing so we are kind of like a Conservative who's hoping for the repeal of the 13th Amendment. Oh, if you are a Conservative, I know you're not big on book learnin' so I'll explain: The 13th Amendment bans slavery and involuntary servitude, except as punishment for a crime. And thus far, being Black is not a crime. Except in Mississippi and Alabama. And rather large portions of Texas and Utah.
That's not a complete list but it hits the high spots. And speaking of high...Well, I explained Ed's and my own positions on the issue, so the rest is up to you. The only thing I ask is that you save me a seat on the aisle because I'm sure Beach Blanket Bingo will be starting soon. RIP Annette. Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: Morning Show With Mark And Steve---WOC AM 1420
|Monday, April 8th, 2013|
Calling Showtime, is there anybody home? Hello, Showtime, won't you please pick up the phone? I wanna say, "I love you," but I'm a million miles away. I'm thinking about HBO and how they didn't completely blow up their three best series in one single night over a span of only two hours.
Well, OK, to be completely fair and balanced, Californication didn't blow up all that bad last night (I'll Lay My Monsters Down, Season 6 Episode 12 http://www.sho.com/sho/californication/season/6/episode/12#/index
). Hank has done dumber things than abandon Faith along with the Marilyn Manson And His Star Flunky World Tour that should have been the Atticus Fetch And What's His Name, The Alice Cooper Wannabe World Tour if Hollywood ever got anything right. I can't remember when, where or what but I'm pretty sure he has. And it is easily reparable because Faith is ready for a reconciliation---She's just testing the If you love something, let it go theory---BUT then at the end, there was that disturbing little note about next season starting in 2014.
Add to that the persistent rumor that next season will be the last one and the only solution we come up with for this equation is a giant WTF??? And it isn't just Californication. It's not like it's only show on the air. The Multiverse merely revolves around Hank and there are lots of lessor worlds in this sky. And what happens to them now? Considering as how they're tidally locked to Californication.
Take Shameless, for example. Do we have to wait until 2014 to find out if Jimmy is really dead---All signs point to a giant YES on that but we still don't know for sure---and is Ian going to get away with joining the Army---He is underage---and is Frank going to drink himself to death? And how about House Of Lies? Marty got away with Grand Theft Auto and attempted murder. So far. But will he survive the mutiny of Clyde, Doug And Jeannie? Do we have to wait a whole year to find out?
Or will Shameless and Lies return in a reasonable amount of time, thus leaving us only to wait for Californication? Well, you'll have to wait. Thankfully, I'll be long dead by then, drinking for all eternity in that bar in Hell where Hank's dead friend bar-tends or maybe I'll go to California like Tony Soprano did after Uncle Junior shot him and then crash that party that Nucky (Tony Blundetto, if you insist) is throwing. Maybe I'll do both. Eternity is a tighter time frame than I'm used to dealing with but my travel agent says it can be done and whether I ultimately do just one or both, it will be OK because both locations have a bar. But that's little comfort now because for the moment at least, I'm still stuck here.
Just like Faith is stuck on that big tour bus. Which is going to be more or less fine, transportation-wise, until they get to the first overseas leg of the tour. Then Atticus is going to have to dig up enough cash to relaunch Air Force 69 OR fly with ordinary dirty unwashed commoners AND be subject to all the indignities of airport security as if he were only a man, not a God. OR he might scrape up enough money not to run Air Force 69 but enough to get a smaller plane of the kind Lynyrd Skynyrd had so much bad luck with. More accurately, Charlie is going to have to find the money because as Atticus' manager, that's his job. But will we ever find out what happened?
Not likely, given that Showtime has passed on Faith's series (This is just like when Decca said no to the Beatles and YES to Brian Poole and the Tremeloes and now all we can do is pray that she doesn't give up and that HBO has as much sense as George Martin and Parlophone) and I have heard nothing about Atticus even trying to get one. Oh sure, the characters will probably talk a little about what happened and there might even be a flashback---If they can manage to squeeze an extra shooting day or two into their tiny little year long vacation---or two but it won't be the same as being there.
And the bigger, more frightening question remains: What is Showtime going to give us if 2014 is really the final season of Californication? What TV equivalent of Brian Poole and the Tremeloes are they going to try to palm off on us as if it's the second coming of Seinfeld? Further down the list of important questions is, "Is Episodes ever coming back?
I could go to my above top secret inside spy ring (http://www.thehollywoodgossip.com/
) for all the inside highly accurate answers but don't I already have enough pain, suffering and discomfort cluttering up my life? Sometimes, it's just better to not know and this is one of those times.
Where have you gone, Ziggy Stardust? A nation turns its' lonely eyes to you, only to hear, "Oh, don't lean on me man, cause you can't afford the ticket." And here we are, stuck on this lonely bus, journeying through this endless desert...Which becomes, at times, Dessert, because as far as we know, Faith is still on it...straight into the jaws of 2014.
Everyday's an endless stream of cigarettes and magazines and each town looks the same to me. The movies and the factories and every stranger's face I see, reminds me that I long to be...Well, you know how it goes. On the bright side, we also have disco on eight tracks and cassettes, in stereo, and we got truckers on CB. That'll help.
But why cry about future milk that hasn't spilled yet and won't spill at all in your lifetime if you're as old as I am, so let's go back to concentrating on the here and now of last night. Becca is gone. Potentially forever, as long as Hank and Karen keep sending money. Charlie and Marcy are remarried again and Atticus and Faith are riding off into the sunset together.
And Hank? He'll either rejoin the tour or continue to try making things work with Karen. And we only have wait an ENTIRE YEAR to find out which. And you know, every time Faith decides to wear her Catholic schoolgirl's uniform and Nun's habit, we won't be there to see it.
And now there's only thing left: The best line of the night which was given to Krull and consisted the standard KISS intro of "You wanted the Best!" he gave for Atticus with the twist of the greatest not being here because their car broke down, so here's Atticus Fetch. That was genius but does it entitle the writer to a year's vacation? Apparently so. Wake me up when it's 2014. Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: Morning Show With Mark And Steve---WOC AM 1420
|Friday, April 5th, 2013|
|It's Friday, You Bastards
I fully realize that this is one of the most devastating, as well as busy, days ever about anything because we are in mourning and preparing for World War III. But before we fully transition into Def-Con 4 and change into our black suits, we have to talk about something that at first glance is going to appear to be a total waste of your time but bear with me because I think it does matter to everyone everywhere.
Yesterday, in the Rock Island Argus, retired circuit court judge John Donald O'Shea wrote another plea to everyone to vote yes on Tuesday to building a new court house (His column from last night is suspiciously absent from the Net but here is a very similar piece he wrote a few days ago: http://qconline.com/archives/qco/display.php?id=631658&query=John%20Donald%20O
'Shea and another article that explains a bit more about the issue: http://wqad.com/2013/03/28/rock-island-co-courthouse-will-cost-voters/
) and in doing so, convinced me, more than ever, that the only sane rational way to vote is NO.
In the interest of full disclosure, I was going to vote No from the very start but what really cemented it was when Don, last night, said that the two traffic courtrooms in the building handle in excess of 30,000 cases a year. That number sounds insanely exaggerated to me since this is a very small county but I am giving Don the benefit of the doubt and assuming it is true. And thus, the only message I want to send to the people who run Rock Island County is this: You don't need a bigger courthouse. What you need is to put a collar on the police and sheriffs departments and order them to stop flooding the system with frivolous tickets. If that can't be done, appoint someone to summarily dismiss the needless tickets before they threaten to swamp our facilities.
Under current circumstances, giving these maniacs a bigger building is going to be like building a new highway that immediately fills up with more cars, necessitating adding even more lanes the minute it's finished. And if you think this is a local problem that doesn't affect 99% of the country, I ask you to remember a couple of weeks ago when Bill Maher (http://www.hbo.com/real-time-with-bill-maher/index.html
) said that the Liberals in California were in danger of losing him because this request for a new courthouse is part of that problem.
Even if Bill was joking about himself personally...And I don't think he was but even if he was, it doesn't matter because a lot of Progressives do feel that way and that's a huge problem for all of us. If you think I'm overreacting, just say, "President George W. Bush," out-loud to yourself three times. I didn't want to scare you like that but it was necessary. And if that didn't scare you, say, "President Mitt Romney."
Now that you are truly frightened enough to pay attention, think about this: Why should Bill and everyone else at his income level keep paying insane tax rates and continue to see little or nothing for it? There are still kids starving to death, there are still four or five unemployed people for every job opening, corporations like Monsanto are getting literal licenses to kill, old people still have to choose between buying medicine and groceries and Democrats, like the ones who run Rock Island County want to build a new courthouse so the cops can write even more needless traffic tickets.
I could have spent all day here writing the list of things that are bad, wrong and getting worse but I limited it to a few of my favorites and I can't even believe that I didn't mention the homeless but I didn't, so let's move on. Likewise, I only mentioned one of the idiotic worthless things the Democrats are doing in response to real problems. Probably because I am voting on it on Tuesday, so I get a pass for that one.
And my overall message is this: Democrats, this is your moment. The Republican party is on its' deathbed, so stop giving it mouth to mouth and trying to bring it back to life by being useless and counterproductive. And stupid. Forget about things like large sodas and cigarettes and start solving our real problems. If you're gonna take 70+% of the income of people like Bill, at least give them so much good news for it that they can't complain about it because it seems like such a good deal.
I know that some good things are happening but not nearly enough to justify a 70% tax-rate. And it seems like for every step we take forward, we take at least a half step back. SO STOP BEING STUPID! Lower the taxes or provide a lot more for them. Or we are going to lose people like Bill and then everything will be over and try this on for size, "President Sarah Palin."
Now that I've given two thumbs down to the Democrats, let's start mourning. Everyone's favorite movie critic (http://todayentertainment.today.com/_news/2013/04/04/17603130-film-critic-roger-ebert-dies-at-70?lite
) has joined his partner (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gene_Siskel
) in the big balcony in the sky.
It's a big day if you're a movie fan and already in Heaven but if you're still stuck in the plane of the living, it sucks. About the only thing you have left to live for is that now that Roger is also reunited with Russ Meyer, maybe by the time you die, the long awaited sequel to Beneath the Valley of the Ultra-Vixens, Up! will finally be done.
In the meantime, I want to remind you what my friend Bluto (http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/19780101/REVIEWS/801010308/1023
) said a long time ago, "My advice to you is to start drinking heavily." To that end, we have this, the Theme Drink that Fifi, my Sommelier, invented for tonight:
Two Thumbs Up Press
2 oz Vodka
1 oz 151 proof rum
2 oz Midori melon liqueur
Tilt in Grenadine
Add the vodka, 151, and Midori forming a nice green shooter. Then tilt in some grenadine to give it some red flare at the bottom -- burn it down!
OK, I haven't checked the news for a couple of minutes now so you might be ducking and covering right now because Kim Jong-un has pushed the button and nuked LA, San Francisco and Seattle but even if WW III hasn't started, can you think of a better time to get drunk? Remember what Jim The Goose said in Mad Max, it's all "Nothing a year in the tropics and/or a good stiff drink wouldn't fix."
Well, OK, Goose didn't say the part about the drink but he would have had he been thinking straight and that's good enough for us. Another thing that's good enough for us is this week's featured Party Game: Binders Full of Fallout Shelters Filled With Girls Who Look Like Tina Turner, Circa 1985 And Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Circa Now.
I guess the only thing left is a quote from Roger Ebert which I have been saving for the end because it would have seemed out of place in the intro, "So on this day of reflection I say again, thank you for going on this journey with me. I'll see you at the movies." Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: Morning Show With Mark And Steve---WOC AM 1420
|Monday, April 1st, 2013|
|Bummer, Both Of Those Disappointed Fans
Before we go to THE ABBY (Californication Season 6 Episode 11 http://www.sho.com/sho/californication/season/6/episode/11#/index
), let's take a look at the Hollywood rumor mill. At first glance, it seems hopelessly demoralizing because everyone is saying that Showtime has killed Faith's spin-off but I say, "So what? Who needs Showtime?" I further say, shoot the pilot as planned and take it to HBO. Sure, they already have Girls, The Newsroom, Veep and their crown jewel, Boardwalk Empire along with Banshee (On Cinemax, which is really HBO) and when Mr. Larry David feels like working, Curb Your Enthusiasm, but they always need another hit series, so why shouldn't it be Faith?
And after last night, is there anyone left who isn't fed up with Showtime anyway? First of all, Charlie and Marcy are getting remarried, bringing Californication full circle and reinforcing the rumor that next season will be its' last. And it looks like they're going to kill Cathy during the last season of The Big C. Then, on Shameless, it appears that, barring some miracle, Jimmy is going to get killed and Ian is going to join the army. And on House Of Lies, Marty is now guilty of grand theft auto and manslaughter or attempted murder if Michael Carlson dies or nearly dies from being abandoned in the desert. And even if Mike is fine, I'm sure there's some extra law that says you can't steal someone's car and leave them to die in the desert that applies even if nothing happens to them. There's probably also some other law that says you can't use a stolen cell phone containing corporate secrets to close a multi-million dollar deal that some DA will probably say Marty is guilty of breaking. They probably also have a spy cam photo of him not wearing his seat belt and I understand you can get 15-Life for that in Leavenworth now.
How many more signs have to say, "Run, don't walk, to HBO?" Especially when you can deliver Maggie Grace and Mary Kay Place? Along with very likely frequent guest appearances by David Duchovny. And speaking of him, wouldn't you want to be the network most on his mind if he ever decides to do another series? The execs at HBO would have to be crazier than Uncle Junior, Gillian Darmody and the execs at Showtime combined to refuse that offer. And that's not even counting Rob Lowe, Marilyn Manson and all the other big names Californication routinely attracts.
But don't get me started on Showtime or we'll be here all night. Instead, let's go to Happy Endings and take a look at the most successful reverse intervention in television history. It was the sort of spectacle that would have made Colonel Hogan proud. From the way they used Richard Bates as a diversion to keep Gabe (Think of him as Col. Klink) occupied to the way they closed the deal by using Becca, pot and cocaine.
Add to that the way Atticus was dressed all in white and concerned only with spiritualism---The same way John Lennon was in the late 70's before he returned to the studio to record Double Fantasy. I was really expecting them to reveal that he also has an older Japanese girlfriend---and the way he was reduced to being Marilyn Manson's opening act for the upcoming tour and you have the perfect recipe for a fall and redemption rock and roll story of epic proportions. With plenty of opportunities to see Faith naked.
And if being Faith's roommate on the Marilyn Manson/Atticus Fetch World Tour doesn't spur Hank to write a Pulitzer Prize winning novel, I don't know what would. And wouldn't having Hank win the Pulitzer be an appropriate way to end the series? Unless this latest ugly rumor is just as wrong as all the previous ones, in which case, it would be a great way to launch the next five seasons.
Either way, I still think that Faith should run to HBO but I won't complain if Showtime gives me five more years of Californication. It's the least they can do. The other least thing they can do is find another excuse for Faith to wear her schoolgirl uniform again next week---Maybe a nice dream set in the Garden Of Eden with Hank playing Adam and Mary Kay Place as the Snake and Eddie Nero as God? That's just a suggestion and there are lot's of good ways it can be cast but the important feature is Faith's fig leaf morphing into a schoolgirl's uniform as she slowly eats a banana because apples are so cliched---but let's not get ahead of ourselves.
We still have to go to Ophelia's and watch Marcy get kidnapped and nearly raped before Charlie gets abducted and nearly mutilated. I don't know about you but I love it when Californication out Dexters Dexter. And having Charlie and Marcy discover the joys of torture at the end was just icing on the cake.
How do you think Charlie manages to, against all odds, end up being the hero at least 29% of the time? I don't know. That answer resides in that place few of us ever find, the gap between our thoughts. And on the rare occasions we do find it, Faith ruins everything by showing up and straddling us while wearing a very short denim skirt. Thank God.
And I think that's enough for this week. Which is a good thing because we have to get ready to go out on tour with Atticus next week. Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: Morning Show With Mark And Steve---WOC AM 1420
|Friday, March 29th, 2013|
|It's Good Friday, You Bastards
There's been a lot of speculation this week that Dionne Warwick's recent financial woes (http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/dionne-warwick-flat-broke-article-1.1299283
) are the direct result of all the bad Karma she generated by stealing from people (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychic_Friends_Network
) and if that is what is in fact happening, I'm down with it and I fully support the system. Kind of.
On the one hand, it's great if this is really Karma at work and not just a dumb coincidence and a con-woman of the highest order who cheated millions of people out of millions of dollars is going to pay for it by becoming homeless and starving to death in a cold lonely cardboard box under the viaduct. On the other hand, Do You Know The Way To San Jose? is one of my favorite songs and a rather big part of me says she deserves a break.
So what am I supposed to do? Which side am I supposed to root for? I'm up for any challenge but this is insane. King Solomon never had to make a nerve wracking choice like this. Luckily for everyone involved, I don't have to make any choice at all. Thanks to my live-in Spiritual Adviser, Sister Gidget Bertrille.
I know some of you think that Gidget is a waste of payroll. That the $8.25/Hour the Socialists here in Illinois insist that I pay her is the same as throwing good money out the window. And others of you say that I should fire her for being a junky. For openly and wantonly abusing the opiate of the masses because she doesn't even have the decency to hide her dependency on the obviously made up fairytale that is Christianity.
Call me crazy if you want, but I think all drugs, even the really dangerous ones like religion, should be legalized but the bigger, more important issue that you're totally missing here is that despite her addiction, Gidget does a good job. When crisis's like Dionne Gate arise, she is there for me. And if you're still feeling judgmental, you should try walking a mile in my shoes by spending a week with her every year at the The Bulgari Resort Bali (http://www.bulgarihotels.com/en-us/bali/the-resort/overview
and just in case you work for the IRS or the FTC, please remember that is a completely uncompensated plug). You think all that surfing is easy for someone my age? Well, I mostly watch her surf and model new bikinis but the point is that it's hard work.
After a full week of doing nothing but sitting on a beach and drinking beer all day, I really need a vacation. That's why I usually go to Vegas for a week right afterwards with Tabliope, my Chief Executive Vice President In Charge Of Drinking And Gambling. She also calls herself a Muse. I don't object to that but neither do I pay her more for it because I'm not made of money, you know! I can barely afford $8.25/Hour! But that's getting off topic so let's get back on Gidget.
When I told her about my dilemma concerning Dionne Warwick, she thought about it for a moment and then solved the problem by saying, "You are way too conflicted to be impartial. You have to recuse yourself." So that's it. I'm going to stay completely neutral and if God does the right thing by having Dionne starve to death in poverty, it's fine, just as it will be fine if He does the right thing and chooses to save her with some sort of miracle.
Sometimes I wish I could leave everything in God's hands like that. But I can't because look at how He screwed all the hard working, honest, caring, tax paying Job Creators in Illinois like me with the Minimum Wage Law. And where did His son get off driving me out of the Temple? I know it was a long time ago and everything but dig this, I was providing a wanted and needed service to the less fortunate when this barefoot long haired hippie leader of the Occupy Herod's Movement walked in like He owned the place and had the nerve to drive ME out!
If God really didn't want His House to be a House Of Trade, would He have made it such a high traffic location? I think not! I think He just wanted a bigger cut of the action and that's why He sent in his goon son to oppress the righteous Money Changers! That's why I moved to Newark where I could deal with more reasonable people like Tony and Paulie. Then I got fed up with Jersey and moved here but that's more ancient history you don't want to hear.
What you do want to hear is that fiends like Glenn Beck are suffering the same misfortune that Dionne Warwick is feeling for pushing scams like incomeathome.com because it's even worse than the fake psychic network. Because all the other evil things they do and say are apparently forgivable. But you won't be hearing that. At least not today. Because, apparently, in Heaven, having mitigating circumstances in your case is a minus rather than a plus and thieves like Glenn are allowed to walk free while thieves with redeeming qualities like Dionne get the book thrown at them. Most likely because they are Black.
I shouldn't be surprised that Karma is so racist but still, somehow I am. But, as I just explained, I'm neutral on this topic so I won't be saying a word about it either way. Which is just as well because we don't have time to bog ourselves down with things like God, religion, racism, Karma and Herbalife on Good Friday. Oh, for those of you who slept through Sunday School, which I'm told is nearly all of you, Good Friday is the day that Jesus died a very slow agonizing death while nailed to a cross because our all powerful, all knowing God couldn't figure out a less painful or gruesome way to forgive us for all the things we didn't do. And that's why, to this very day, we pray to a broken bloody mangled corpse that looks like an extra who just walked off the set of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
And crack is what we made illegal. Go figure. Anyway, it is Good Friday, You Bastards, so we have to make this one of the best parties of the year or run the risk of being sued for false advertising. Again. Luckily, should the worst happen, we do have my attorney, Grace Van Owen, who is totally cool with making $8.25/Hour as long as I remember that there are 942 billable hours in every 24 hour day. It doesn't make much sense to me either but all the people who have gone to law school assure me that it is perfectly logical. Not affordable but logical.
If you're still having trouble with it, just become fluent in Latin and take LAW 325 Public Benefits Law and Anti-Poverty Policy. Or, if that's too much trouble, just drink a lot of these, the Theme Drink that Fifi, my Sommelier, invented for tonight:
Nailed To A Goddamned Cross Grog
1/2 oz Light rum (Bacardi)
1/2 oz Gold rum (Bacardi)
1/2 oz Dark rum (Meyer's)
1/2 oz Grand Marnier
1 oz Grapefruit juice
1 oz Orange juice
1 oz Pineapple juice
Fill Collins glass with ice. Pour alcohols. Pour juices. Shake Optional. Orange and Pineapple garnish Optional.
But wait, there's more.
Fifi grew up in Paris, not far from Cathédrale Notre Dame....You've probably never heard of it but it's a very old big fancy church and I hear they have a branch office in Indiana now...and that's why she's also making Good Friday & Plenty's, which are a mixture of anisette and Kahlua that taste just like the candy, because she used to make them for the nuns at the Cathédrale because they all seemed to love Good & Plenty.
So there you go, you have not one but two sacred drinks to choose from. Or, if you have any sense at all, you'll drink beer like me. Or mix and match all three if you want and get sick and see if I care. I warned you and if you don't listen, it's your own fault. The important thing is that you have fun.
To that end, we have three featured party games tonight: Binders Full Of Women Wearing "Kiss Me, I'm The Easter Bunny" Thongs, Binders Full Of Women Dressed Like Bunnies and The Great Easter Bunny Hunt. They are all not just a ton of fun but my theologians tell me that they also have a lot of medicinal value because they could bring a crucified guy who's been locked in a tomb for three days back to life. And isn't that the whole point?
I just hope someone remembered to not invite Hef, AKA The Godfather Of Holmby Hills, tonight so I don't have to have the same old argument again over whose idea it was to dress girls up like Bunnies. Couldn't I have one Good Friday without that? Is that too much to ask for? Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: Morning Report With Mark & Steve, WOC AM 1420
|Monday, March 25th, 2013|
|Things That Seem Romantic Very Rarely Are
With all due respect to Joss Whedon and Eliza Dushku, who is a very formidable runner-up, Maggie Grace is the best Faith ever. Maybe it's because she does have some experience with vampires, by being one in a couple of movies the titles of which escape me now---But I do remember they have something to do with dusk and a saga of some kind---but that's probably not it. It's far more likely due to her more recent incarnation as a Catholic schoolgirl turned muse, whose most recent appearance, which was last night (Californication Season 6 Episode 10 BLIND FAITH http://www.sho.com/sho/californication/season/6/episode/10#/index
), was nothing short of inspiring.
You might even say it was a religious experience. A real Come To Jesus moment. But we'll get to Atticus Fetch in a minute cause I hate shooting out of sequence. So let's start at the very beginning of the middle. In the church. The first scene in the church, which was not a dream, as far as our limited abilities allow us to discern the difference between dreams and what we call real life can tell, which was a conversation between Hank and Faith wherein he confessed to having recurring dreams about a nun and a church and she proceeded to make the dream come true.
At this point, a lot of you impetuous young grad students are probably expecting me to spend a considerable amount of time explaining how this scene closely mirrors Chapter Four of Ulysses, Calypso, wherein Leopold Bloom sits in the outhouse and relieves his bowels while reading Matcham’s Masterstroke before wiping himself with a fragment of the story but I am not going to.
Oh, I will mention it because to not do so would be ignoring the elephant in the room and incurring the wrath of my feeble minded critics who already wrongly think they have too many valid reasons to call me sloppy and incomplete, which will be even worse when they see all the things I'm leaving out of this one. But mentioning it is all I'm going to do and I'm going to leave the details of explaining how Leo and Hank and churches and outhouses and Tidbits and Faith and defecation and ejaculation, et al are nearly identical twins separated only by space and time that really does not separate at all because all distance is merely illusion. And when you get an A+ on your PhD Thesis, you don't even have to thank me. Just send me a case of my favorite beer and we'll call it even.
Now let's go to the church a little later in the middle portion and explore Faith's dream a bit, and the central question surrounding it, which is, "Why did they choose Atticus to portray Jesus?" It's not that Atticus was a bad choice. Far from it, in fact. It's just that, with so many other good possibilities, it demands examination. However hopeless it may be. We may never know just how many sleepless nights the writers endured before deciding that Atticus should be Jesus and the exact reasons behind it but we can admire the effort and the result.
Just as we can admire Faith's Catholic schoolgirl uniform, which we FINALLY got to see her wear. In a church, being seduced/you might even argue she was raped, especially if you think that the dream transported her back to her actual schoolgirl days and therefore could not legally consent, by Jesus Christ (Who chose to look and sound like Atticus Fetch or maybe Jesus did actually look and sound like Atticus. How would we know? There are very few surviving eye witnesses left to tell us what He actually looked like. And wouldn't Atticus turn water into wine if he could?). On PALM SUNDAY! AFTER having oral sex with Hank in the same church for "real" as opposed to in a dream. Whoa. There is a whole lot to admire here. Maybe more than we are capable of.
To further complicate matters, many people claim that when you meet a dead person in a dream, you are actually meeting that person. For real. It may sound crazy to you but can you prove they are wrong? If you can, I desperately want to talk to you because I don't have nearly enough evidence to reach any kind of conclusion but what really matters right now, this very minute is, who exactly was Faith having sex with? Jesus or Atticus?
Or both? Jesus is already two other people (The Father and The Holy Ghost for those of you who slept through Sunday School), that we know of, as well as Himself, so is it too much a stretch of the imagination to think He could be Atticus, too? And they do share the same suicidal tendencies. Oh, get over it already. Anytime an omniscient and omnipotent God allows Himself to be nailed to a cross by a bunch of soldiers who are armed with little more than sticks and stones, the coroner has to put Suicide as the cause of death on the death certificate.
And is staying dead for three days before rising from the tomb after a big over the top death scene all that different from threatening to kill yourself with an unloaded gun? And is having your feet anointed with obscenely expensive oil---The Liberal Drive-By Media says by an old relative but some sources say His mother only delivered the oil and it was a couple of young groupies who did all the rubbing and it wasn't limited to the feet and who are you going to believe?---much different from eating a candy bar from Marcy's body? Again, we are dangerously close to having so much on our plate that the DA could waltz in here at any minute and charge us with the mortal sin of gluttony so we'll discretely skip town and head out to the safety of the suburbs, AKA Cicero or the part of the review that is about Becca.
To be even safer, we'll use a clever and very original assumed name: Charles Wolfgang Runkle. It's perfectly fair, because if anything goes wrong, it's Charlie's fault anyway. Now that we are safely out of reach of the long arm of the law, protected by multiple firewalls, let's talk about Becca. She wants to go to Europe and Hank, after some initial hesitation, consulted with another expert on these matters and gave her his blessing. Maybe that consultation was the primary reason for Hank urging Faith to see her parents in the first place? Knowing that she would insist on him going with her? Because Faith is only a few years older than Becca and thus, in the 18+ years he has spent with her, he has learned to read any young woman, including Faith, like a book? A book that is written in an obscure Chinese dialect in invisible ink so maybe it is more a case of dumb random luck than a scholarly mastery of the subject matter but why do you always have to be so picky and cynical like that all the time?
Only God knows and He isn't telling, so we'll skip that, too. Along with your suggestion that this one should have been called Blind But Lucky Hank. What we will address is what he told Becca, which was that writing consists primarily of gluing your butt to a chair and somehow getting what's in your head onto the page and what he didn't tell her, which is that the writers she mentioned (I think one of them of was Henry James but I'm not sure) worked very hard. I could tell that Hank was thinking, just as you and I were, more along the lines of F. Scott Fitzgerald and Ernest Hemingway and how all the decadence was given all the press while the hard work was just taken for granted.
Another thing he said was that whatever writers she mentioned achieved some success before they ran off to Paris (Which is absolutely true but it somehow didn't affect Becca much) but he neglected to explain just how hard it is to compose and edit a novel on a manual typewriter. Especially when your drunk (Truman Capote was convinced that no one can write or edit when drunk and I disagree with that, as did Ernie and Scott, but he was a first rate alcoholic and writer and it wouldn't kill you to at least take his opinion under consideration). And that doing it on a computer is infinitely easier but somehow it is still as hard.
He also didn't tell her what one of my English professors told me when I was in college, which is this, "Gore Vidal could write a novel in crayon on a roll of toilet paper with spelling and grammatical errors in every line and editors would not only take it seriously, they would would fight each other for it. Unfortunately for you, you aren't Gore Vidal." Now, granted, this prof was so blind drunk that he had no idea who he was speaking to at the time but I forgive him because most people say dumb things when they've had too much to drink and I even admit that for many young writers, possibly including Becca, his observation probably holds a little truth and most editors are deadline and mechanics obsessed jerks to most writers.
It's probably unfair but I still have visions of her being like Hannah (http://www.hbo.com/girls/cast-and-crew/hannah-horvath/bio/hannah-horvath.html
) and shoving a Q-Tip into her eardrum when she realizes just how hard writing can be. And no one should have to go through that. It's almost as bad as having to meet someone's parents for the first time, which is something else no one should ever have to do but it does conveniently lead us right back to Faith's childhood home.
And as long as we're here, we might as well, before we sneak off to drink and watch dirty movies with her dad in the den, ask, "Does anyone but me remember Loretta Haggers?" Never mind. It was way before your time so suffice to say that she has found Jesus (Who may or may not be Atticus Fetch and would she still love Him if she knew what He was doing with her daughter?) and is living semi-comfortably in a religious supply store masquerading as a home somewhere in the suburbs of Los Angeles. What really matters is that she's just as good now as she was when she lived in Fernwood. My complements to the producers for yet another perfectly brilliant casting decision.
And if Hollywood does prove to be smart enough to give Faith her own show, I hope they are also wise enough to give Mary Kay all the screen-time she wants. And as many writing credits as she wants because she is just as good at writing as she is at acting. Let's face it. Dave isn't going to want to do Californication forever and every year we hear the same rumor that this is the last season and someday it will be true but it won't hurt nearly as much if Faith has her own series. And with Mary Kay Place and Bill Smitrovich backing her up, how could it possibly be anything but an artistic as well as a financial success?
Write your Congressman and demand a show for her! It's the least they can do because God knows they aren't expending any energy solving any of our other problems. And what's left? Just all the stuff that I purposely left out just to lend an air of mystery to all this. As far as you know. And just one last thing: Faith still has an old Nun's Habit hiding somewhere in her closet that she needs to model for us. And no one would complain if she wore the schoolgirl outfit again. Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: Morning Report With Mark & Steve, WOC AM 1420
|Friday, March 22nd, 2013|
|It's National Goof-Off Day Friday, You Bastards
Unlike Congress, the journalists at FOX News and Barry's gas station attendant (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/barackobama/9943357/Barack-Obama-in-Israel-the-Beast-limo-breaks-down.html
), the rest of us only get one National Goof-Off Day per year and this is it (http://www.cute-calendar.com/event/national-goof-off-day/12388-usa.html
). Don't waste it. Follow my good example and call Britney Spears to see if she's up for a game of soccer (Britney Spears' Butt Makes An Appearance At Soccer Game http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/03/11/britney-spears-butt-soccer-photo_n_2852475.html#slide=1943345
And if she says no, well, that's why God gave us this huge Goof-Off Day Friday Party. But first, we have to revisit Ben Mankiewicz's comments following the Newtown shooting and ask, "Why, God, why couldn't there have been one person with a gun at Quantico to stop this tragedy (http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2013/03/22/17409264-us-marine-kills-two-colleagues-at-quantico-base?lite
I don't want to get political, especially on National Goof-Off Day but this can't wait for tomorrow. We really need to start arming our Marines so people will stop killing them. We could even give them some training on how to use guns and what to do in life or death situations and how to survive combat. Did we learn nothing from Pearl Harbor? Oceans don't protect us the way they used to and unless we give our soldiers guns, anyone can just walk in and do whatever they want!
Well, I guess this proves that you can add our Guardian Angels to the list of people who celebrate National Goof-Off Day all year long. Unless you count the work they're doing for Conservatives because it is abnormally cold here again today, which proves, once and for all, along with the glacier in California that has grown 3 inches over the last 25 years that there is no Global Warming.
Don't worry, though, because they're going to get back on track by insuring that you don't win at least $320 million tomorrow (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/03/21/powerball-jackpot-320-million_n_2925462.html?ir=Business
). That's OK, cause like what would you do with $320 million anyway? Buy guns for the Marine Corps? Nice thought but thanks to the Socialists, by the time you got done paying for all the fees, taxes, permits and background checks, you'd be broke again, the Marines would still be unarmed and people would still be killing them.
Face it, no matter what you do, you can't win and the forces of evil are going to triumph. But you can goof off. And if you're as smart as the typical Congressman, gas station attendant or Guardian Angel, you won't limit it to one day a year. Starting right here and now with this, the Theme Drink that Fifi, my Sommelier, invented for today:
1 oz Vodka
1 oz Southern Comfort
2 oz Blue Curacao
6 oz Orange juice
Take all of the above ingredients, place in a cocktail shaker or blender with plenty of crushed ice, mix until slightly frothy, then pour into a tall glass and enjoy.
I know I should yell at her for working on National Goof-Off Day but I can't. She admits she's a workaholic and she's seeking help. Besides that, I think God Himself is speaking through the four beers I've had so far this morning and He's saying, "It's no big deal. Let it go." And who am I to argue with the word of God?
I don't want to get struck by lightning again. That's also why I'm not complaining about all the girls who volunteered to be in tonight's featured party game: Binders Full Of Women Wearing "Kiss Me, I'm Goofing-Off" Thongs. You're going to especially love this one if you're worried about the environment because it has a very small carbon footprint. It's made of 98.2% recycled materials that we had leftover from last week's game. Not that it will make a difference because if you've been outside lately, you know what a big hoax Global Warming is but it's the thought that counts. Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: Morning Report With Mark & Steve, WOC AM 1420
|Monday, March 18th, 2013|
|Things Are Not As They Seem
Will someone please explain to me how we're supposed to talk about this week (Californication Season 6 Episode 9 MAD DOGS & ENGLISHMEN http://www.sho.com/sho/californication/season/6/episode/9#/index
) when next week, if the previews can be trusted, we are finally going to see Faith in her Catholic schoolgirl uniform AND find out that was a nun for a while, which means that she also has an old Habit somewhere in her closet that she can model for us AND Hank's dream about getting a BJ in a church from a nun is going to turn out to have been prophetic?
Whoever thought all that up and then decided we have to wait a whole week for it...I'm told by largely unreliable sources that you can see it early on the Spider Web Site Enter The Net thing but who knows how to work that except for punk kids who are too busy playing Angry Birds on their phones to do anything else?...could teach Ophelia and the CIA a lot about torture because it makes chastity cages and water-boarding look like amateur night in the dungeon.
Still, since this is the hand that the hate filled bitter deity known as God saw fit to deal to us, I suppose we should play it. And I'm sure we'll handsomely benefit because there must be profitable lesson embedded somewhere in it. Right? And we'll all be happier and wiser because of it. Yeah, right.
We might as well start with Atticus' suicide attempt. With an unloaded gun. Or maybe we should go back a bit further, all the way to June 1, 1931 and talk about Sir Noël Coward and the genesis of the title. But we really can't do that before stopping in 1899 first and talking about Rudyard Kipling, can we? And then, after only a few dozen more detours, involving everyone from The Beatles to Bob Dylan to Ray Charles, we can quickly get to 1970 and Joe Cocker.
And that only leaves us 43 small years away from Charlie's house last night in 2013 which is where we kind of need to be. Of course, 1975 is right on the way, so we can also stop there and ask Krull, AKA Steve Jones, founding member of the Sex Pistols and I'm sure that he is the mad dog Englishman Rudyard was referring to when he started this whole mess, just how many drugs he was taking when he was arranging the fastest most efficient way to get us from Point A to Point B.
God, could you do something useful for once and remind Charlie that it's now his job to fire or at least muzzle that maniac? How hard could it be? Brian Epstein fired Pete Best and everyone lived happily ever after. Except for Pete. Anyway, the point is, it needs to be done and it needs to be done two weeks ago.
In the meantime, let's get back to the "fake" suicide attempt. Just how fake and safe was it? How many people are killed every year by "unloaded" guns? So wasn't this just a clever twist on that theme to show that once in a while the gun you're playing with will really be unloaded? Ironically enough, at just the moment when you want it loaded? And if this show were really as dark as a lot of critics claim it is, wouldn't they have little Stewie find and shoot himself to death with an "unloaded" gun, the same way hundreds of real kids die in this country every year?
Nah, let's not get into the gun control debate. Because there's still another detour we have to take to Tampa to visit the Mad Dogs And Englishmen restaurant that we don't have time for and I'm not even sure what it has to do with Californication, except that they have a bar and I guess that's enough.
Plus, it's probably not snowing there. And if we wanted snow, we'd go back to Charlie's house. And watch Hank and Eddie Nero try to kill each other by destroying all the cocaine. So let's stay in Florida and via long distance, ask the next big question, "Is Faith and by extension, Karen, really Marianne Faithfull?"
Maybe. Maybe not. Hey, if you want ironclad binding absolute answers, why don't you go to Rome and ask your new Pope instead of wasting all your time hanging out with me in a bar in Tampa? And when you get there, don't forget to ask His Holiness if Hank is going to have to choose between Faith and Karen now.
Was her little tear filled speech on the beach the real thing or was she just drunk? The previews for next week leave me thinking that it is the latter but they have fooled me before. Not often but often enough to be disturbing. And now that everyone loves Hank's script for the play and Eddie has agreed to star in it, how soon is it going to be before we go back to New York for the premiere?
The next big thing to talk about is the proper way to serve candy bars and I will say that Atticus has it down pretty well but can that really compare to Faith in a Nun's Habit and Catholic schoolgirl's uniform? No. So let's just patiently wait for next week. And I'm pretty sure the next round is on you. Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: Morning Show With Mark And Steve---WOC AM 1420
|Saturday, March 16th, 2013|
|Not Everything's A Trap
Before we get to last night's show (Banshee SEASON 1 › EPISODE 10 A MIXTURE OF MADNESS http://www.cinemax.com/banshee/season-1/10-a-mixture-of-madness.html
), I want to assure my Conservative friends that I am not going to gloat about what Maryland did to them yesterday (http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/the-fix/wp/2013/03/15/is-marylands-death-penalty-repeal-politics-principle-or-a-little-of-both/
). Because gloating is a dish best served cold, we'll save it for tomorrow.
Likewise, we are not going to belabor the fact that this was the last episode of the "season." I put season in quotes because a long time ago, way before you were born, the television season lasted from September to May and consisted of about 36 episodes, not 10. And if we were the type who goes to pieces over spilled milk, we would belabor the heck out of how now we consider ourselves lucky if we get 20 episodes.
But we will ignore that and do what we do best: Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative. Starting with the biggest negative of all, Rebecca's night nightshirt, which was a full five inches too long. And why couldn't we eliminate it? Or at least modify it to a decent length? I blame Google.
If the Google Glass (http://www.google.com/glass/start/what-it-does/
) were available and fully functional, I'm sure all we would have had to do is say, "Google, shorten her nightshirt, please," and it would have been done. Well, maybe we would have had to phrase it something like this, "Lord Google, I pledge my eternal soul and my first born child unto you if you will grant me this request," which would have been fine because that's why we have lawyers, to get us out of stupid contracts after we have what we want. But no. It wasn't even an option. We were stuck watching her walk around the house in a shirt that was way too long.
And now how many lawyers will be looking for something to do on Monday morning? Wasn't the unemployment problem already bad enough? Thanks for everything, Google. You've been a big help. You know, you could learn a lot from Kai Proctor. He may be a bit antisocial and he might have a few anger issues as well as a rather disturbing Gillian Darmody like predilection for incest but is there anyone else you would want around when Rabbit's men are trying to gun you down in cold blood at the police station?
No, you wouldn't. Unless you're suicidal and Lord knows no one could you blame you for that, given what this world has come to, but let's say that you're not. And that means that you want Kai there when the rest of the world is trying to kill you. Because he gets things done. In a timely manner.
How long did he wait to prove how serious he was by blowing up the new casino? One episode! When diplomacy failed, he abandoned it and took action. But not before Alex Longshadow hired Jeffrey Thompson to kill him. So you can't call him a hothead. A hothead wouldn't have just calmly decapitated his attacker, sent the head to Alex and then blew up the casino. Along with the mayor.
A hothead would have gotten angry and done something drastic. By the same token, I guess you have to say Rabbit isn't a hothead, either. After all, he kept his word and released Max. Unharmed and a little better at chess. And then he kept the rest of his word by slowly torturing Lucas to death. Almost.
He didn't quite make it. It wasn't really his fault. Fate was stacked against him in that it isn't his show and the chances of killing the hero are zero. You'd think that villains would check the TV Guide once in a while before they hatch their evil schemes. Think of how much trouble Cat Woman could have saved herself if she knew the show was called Batman. Or how much embarrassment Paul Ryan could save himself if he read a poll once in a while.
It doesn't always work. Satan was given full disclosure and knew he had no chance of winning and still decided to declare war on God. Still, I think the average bad guy is smarter than him. Or they would be if they'd do a little homework first. Kids, take notes. If you want to rob the bank or hold-up the stage coach, fine, just don't do it on The Lone Ranger Show.
And don't expect Google to help you. They aren't going to release Project Glass until AFTER Tonto calls you heap stupid. And then it will be too late. Speaking of too late, this is as good a time as any to ask, is Rabbit dead? Unlikely as it seems, his body wasn't found at the scene nor could the FBI find it anywhere nearby.
Call me cynical if you want but this seems to me to be a money issue. I.E. Ben Cross wants more of it and the producers think he's making enough but they aren't quite sure if the writers can continue to drive the show without Rabbit so they left the option open to bring him back. They're just lucky I'm not his agent. That's all I have to say about it.
Now let's get back to things that really matter. Like the prison shrink who turned out to be just another of Rabbit's goons. Her skirt needed to be a lot shorter, too. And to really drive home her passive/aggressive need to get Lucas in her pants, why didn't she moon him, the way Monica mooned Bill to start Monica Gate?
The optimist in me is saying, don't sweat it. Next season will be here before we know it and Rebecca will have plenty of opportunities to moon people. And unlike the prison shrink, she'll be wearing a bonnet. The pessimist in me is saying...No, never mind. The last thing I need to do is give my critics another excuse to call me negative. So we'll just wait till next year and see what happens. Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: Coast To Coast AM---George Noory, 03-15-13
|Friday, March 15th, 2013|
|It's St. Parick's Day Weekend Friday, You Bastards
A little while ago on the Nazi Station (http://www.woc1420.com/pages/themorningreport.html
), Steve & Dan were talking to someone about CPAC and one of them, I don't remember if it was Steve or Dan, made the funniest political joke I've heard so far today: I am so over Donald Trump. Who's birth certificate is he going to ask for this time?
My Actuaries tell me that roughly half of you think that line is just as hilarious as I do and the other half think it's ho-hum at best but whichever side of the fence you're on, you gotta admit that it perfectly illustrates why you need to do a lot of thinking before you go into the comedy business. Because humor is just like chess in that you can learn the basics in ten minutes and with a fair amount of luck you can win a few games here and there but mastering the intricacies of the hows and whys of getting 50% of the people to laugh at 50% of everything you say and winning most of the games you play takes dozens of lifetimes.
Ain't nobody got time for that! That's why we're dumbing down this whole conversation by ignoring comedy and concentrating on politics, with the exception of that one joke I really like. Which is soon to be a moot point anyway. Because the day has barely started and the real pros are soon going to begin taking the stage: Ed, Randi, Rachel, et al, and don't forget that this is Friday and that means that Bill is batting cleanup for all of them and he can use all the words regular radio and TV won't let the rest of them use. And if history is any guide to go by, he will use all of them. To great and devastating effect. And then all the funniness provided by Steve & Dan will have been forgotten and it will once again be clear why they are working in Davenport.
Now, before you hot headed knee jerk Conservatives can accuse me of being partisan by posing the best of what my side has to offer against the likes of local radio personalities and Donald Trump, which I do admit is an unfair fight but I would be an idiot not to use it, let me remind you of what your own side is doing to you. Did you hear Rand Paul's speech about the GOP being stale and moss covered? He was careful to not mention any names but you don't have to read between too many lines before you see JEB BUSH shining back at you in a huge gaudy blaze of shameless neon glory that would make Vegas blush.
And then there's Marco Rubio. And, just in case your wounds need more salt, there's Rob Portman daring God to smite you by endorsing gay marriage. Talk about a house being divided against itself! And maybe I am taking too much joy in this and it may even be premature because maybe you will pull everything together and steal (That means Win in GOP Speak) the 2016 election but that point too shall be moot because there's no way I will live that long. So I'm partying like it's 2016 now and you have no chance.
And that might seem insensitive to all you kids who are going to live until 2016 but I don't feel bad about it. I'm entitled to this. I've paid my dues. For 2,920 entire days, give or take a couple for leap years, I had to live with President George W. Bush. You think it was easy calling him Mr. President? So I deserve all the pleasure I'm getting from watching the GOP slowly killing itself and assuming the corpse won't come back to life.
Oh wow. Hold the phone, stop the presses, wake the kids and call the neighbors because my inside sources have just handed me a bulletin that is going to knock your socks off. Rachel is going to be on Real Time tonight (http://www.hbo.com/real-time-with-bill-maher/episodes/index.html#/real-time-with-bill-maher/episodes/0/275-episode/index.html
)! Hallelujah and praise Jesus!
Of course, it's a mixed blessing, just as all blessings are. Because now you have to avoid passing out until the show is over at 11 PM (10 PM if you're stuck in an undesirable time zone). All because some idiot from Ohio had the nerve to tell God that gay people should have rights. Or maybe it's an unrelated coincidence. Maybe God just thinks you drink too much. Don't you hate Divine Interventions? Why can't God just mind His own business? Why does He always have to taketh right after He giveth?
Especially on St. Patrick's Day Friday? I guess it could be worse. I mean locusts could have eaten all your crops or you could have been afflicted with boils or both but still, this is hitting below the belt. And, as usual, we are left forsaken and abandoned with nothing but our own devices to just make the best of it.
Fortunately, our devices include Fifi, my Sommelier, who has been working her little fingers to the bone all day coming up with this, tonight's Theme Drink:
Irish CPAC Hammer
1 part Jack Daniels
1 part Irish Mist
1 part Bailey's Irish Cream
Shake with ice and strain into shot glass.
And now you're just like Tantalus, up to your neck in delicious---Well, OK, it does taste like rancid lighter fluid but it is effective---alcohol but you can't drink it. Well, you can a little but not too much because if you overdo it, you'll sleep right through Real Time and miss Rachel. As Sam Kinison put it, "Thanks for all the choices, God!"
If it makes you feel any better, and it should because it makes me feel better about all this, there is tonight's featured party game: Binders Full Of Women Wearing "Kiss Me, I'm Irish" Thongs. And you can indulge in that all you want with no ill effects. Unless you're the type who needs a long nap afterwards, in which case we're right back at Square One.
With diametrically opposed logistics like this, who needs Republicans? Through no fault of our own, we're just as screwed as they are. I guess the only solution is to call Bill and convince him to lean on HBO until they agree to broadcast tonight's show last night and then all we'll have to do is jump through the remaining hoops standing between us and cheap, easy time travel.
I'd do it myself but I'm delegating that task to you because Rush (http://www.rushlimbaugh.com/
) has just started to explain how Lena Dunham (http://www.hbo.com/girls/index.html#/girls/cast-and-crew/hannah-horvath/index.htmll
) is single-handedly destroying Truth, Justice, The American Way and the GOP and I gotta hear this. Besides, Bill never listens to me but he would follow you anywhere. So don't screw this up! Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: Morning Show With Mark And Steve---WOC AM 1420
|Wednesday, March 13th, 2013|
|Paul Ryan, God And My Future At FOX
Don't feel bad if you've spent a lot of sleepless nights wondering how a guy like Paul Ryan not only made it into Congress but is also considered a genius in his own party and those same people think his "budget" is nothing less than financial penicillin. It's one one of those mind boggling classics that seems to have been intelligently designed to drive people crazy, just like, "How do entangled particles work?", "How did matter spontaneously generate from nothing at the dawn of the Universe?" and "How can HERE COMES HONEY BOO BOO stay on the air?"
I could also add that Paul came dangerously close, way too dangerously close for my comfort level, to being Vice President Of The United States but my intent here is to cure, not cause nightmares, so I won't even mention that. I didn't pick Cause No Harm as my personal motto just because it looks good on bumper stickers, you know. Likewise, I'm not trying to fool you into thinking I have all the answers. Did you notice that I even left the two biggest questions, which are, "What is the sound of one hand clapping?" and "Soup or salad?" off the list because I didn't want to build up your hopes that they have finally been answered only to devastate you by revealing that we still have no clue and are thus only a few evolutionary steps above the Republicans.
But what I can and will do for you is crack the tough nut known as the ongoing popularity of Congressman Ryan. Starting and ending with a girl named Casey. You can go see her story here (Teen survives crash, learns she has cancer: http://screen.yahoo.com/teen-survives-crash-learns-she-042054374.html
) but if a three minute video just won't fit into your schedule, the Reader's Digest Condensed Version is: She was in a car crash, got banged up really good, discovered she has cancer and is now thanking God for doing it to her.
That wasn't a typo. My proofreader is drunk but she isn't that drunk. Casey is thanking God for crashing her car and giving her cancer. Because now that she knows she has cancer, she has a chance of beating it and spending another 70 or 80 years here. As opposed to? Come on, who wants to be a millionaire? As opposed to? THAT'S RIGHT! As opposed to GOING TO HEAVEN AND LIVING IN PAIN-FREE PARADISE FOR ALL ETERNITY!
And thus the mystery of why the Ryan Budget is taken seriously by anyone is solved. Because the minute you can convince someone that car crashes, cancer and more time here as opposed to going to Heaven, are good things, you can convince them of anything. In fact, once you've cleared that hurdle, talking people into something like the Ryan Budget is child's play.
And Casey isn't alone. I don't know where she stands politically---All the evidence so far says she's a Republican but we'll get to that in a minute---but I'm pretty sure that the vast majority of the 60,931,767 people who voted for Mitt What's-His Name and Paul Ryan feel the same way she does about car crashes, cancer and Heaven and that's why Paul hasn't been laughed out of DC.
Never underestimate the power of gullibility, kids. And now, to be fair and balanced and to finally once and for all prove that I should not only get Sarah Palin's old job at Fox News but my very own show on top of it, I'm going to say that not all Christians are crazy. A lot of the 65,907,213 people who voted for Barack do in fact believe in God. And a lot of you are now saying that they are just as gullible as the hardcore Jesus Freaks who voted for Satan because what we really need is a true dedicated Liberal in the White House but do we really need to open that can of worms right now?
By the power vested in me by the Lord High Priestess Of Common Sense And Keggers, Euphoria, I say no and if you disagree, someday when you grow up and get your own blog, you can run it any way you want but until then you will follow my rules and abide by my decisions. And thou shalt not call in more than once per month or my screener will smite ye with a year long ban!
Now, where were we? Oh yeah, believing that being here instead of in Heaven doesn't mean you are completely crazy. Unless you're also a Republican. Because in that case there isn't enough rubber in the world to adequately pad your cell. Before Nurse Ratched locks you up for the night, though, there is one thing I want you to do for me.
Call Fox and tell them they need to get me on the air ASAP. Remind them that I don't need much. Just a ten year contract and any old unused broom closet will do for my studio. That'll make up for the exorbitant salary they'll have to pay me---It's not my idea, the Socialists here in Illinois say they have to give me $8.25/hour but I am willing to move to NY where they'll only have to give me $7.25/hour if they pay all my relocation expenses and give me someplace to live. I don't need anything fancy. A simple unassuming six bedroom penthouse in the Trump Tower and four parking spaces will be enough for me. That is until the uppity Negro raises the Federal Minimum Wage and takes away all our guns but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it---and then drop the coup de grâce right on top of their pointy little heads: The main topic for my first show is going to be God Wants More Abortions.
I wanted it to be, God Hates The Death Penalty but we decided to save that for the second show because Mitt is really down on his luck and he really needs the money (http://www.dailykos.com/story/2012/08/14/1119943/-LQD-Romney-the-abortion-profiteer-and-death-squad-supporter
) and as Paul Shaffer so aptly puts it, "The cat needs a gig and we have an extra chair." You know the story, charity begins at the RNC and so on and so forth.
But that's not all. During Open Lines, I'm having a hotline for Cab Drivers Who Have Picked Up ET's After Seeing UFO's and the one who has gotten an Alien from further away than his or her own country of origin, is going to win four free books. Laugh if you want but if you think I'm going to throw the millions of Coast listeners and the ratings points they represent under the bus, you're crazier than a Republican who thinks Paul Ryan is a genius.
OK, that's all I need you for and it works out pretty good because you have a call to FOX News to make and I have to plan Episode Three of my new show so let's get out of here and git r done. Just one more thing, ma'am, you remember that car crash that banged up Casey really bad and led to the discovery of her cancer thereby sparing her the agony of Heaven? Yeah, that one, well, anyway, none of the girls in that car were wearing their seat belts so that proves that God doesn't want you to wear seat belts. I hope I'm not giving too much away here but that's going to be the theme for Episode 4 of my new show. Sure, I could make it Episode Three but you might might not tune in if you knew everything this close to showtime. Make sure you mention that when you talk to those pinheads at FOX because they need to know about my mad ratings getting skillz. Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: Morning Show With Mark And Steve---WOC AM 1420
|Monday, March 11th, 2013|
|Dark Is What I Do
Don't it always seem to go that you can't do unto others without them thinking it gives them the right to do the same onto you? That's not just annoying, it's the core of this week's outing (Californication Season 6 Episode 8: EVERYBODY'S A F**KING CRITIC http://www.sho.com/sho/californication/season/6/episode/8#/index
). Hank just can't catch a break. Just because he told Becca that she would shelve her manuscript and start over...Which was expected but still strangely odd because he was impressed at the reading that I didn't like at all. But still, anyway, because of that, Hank got dissed by his agent, partner, Stu and his muse.
I'm sure it made him want to shove a Q-Tip into his ear until he ruptured an eardrum but he couldn't because Hannah (http://www.hbo.com/girls/index.html
) stole that gag right out from under him so he improvised and did the next best thing. When Faith told him his script had no heart, he deftly negotiated an exchange of various other body parts with her to make up for it.
The jury is still out but there are indications that he may have gotten her heart as well. I'm pretty sure he got her eardrums too, even though he didn't need them because his were unruptured. But that's OK because the next time a narcissistic rock star demands cocaine, rare guitars and eardrums from him, he'll be able to do it without going deaf in the process.
Before we go any further, let's go back to the turnabout is fair play theme because that's exactly what Atticus did to him by revealing that he was not really a fan because he had never actually read any of his books. He just liked the title. The exact same way Hank pretended to be his fan without ever listening to any of his albums.
Karma really needs a non-return valve to prevent back-flow problems like that. Hank shouldn't have to endure the slings and arrows that he keeps shooting at other people and when he gets back on his feet financially, I hope he hires a better plumber. A girl who makes Plumber's Crack look good.
Now you're probably asking why Hank doesn't make me his casting director and the answer is simple. He won't because God Hates Us All. Even on Doug Adam's birthday. Which is probably why they barely used the Infinite Improbability Drive at all last night.
Unless you count Marcy. Who has an entire song written about her by Joni Mitchell. The spelling is a little different but the name remains the same and Marcy's sorrow needs a man. Her faucet needs a plumber, too, but she can't have one because I have enough to do with finding one for Hank. So let's get back to her sorrow which is going to be relieved by either Stu or Charlie because she's finally had it up to here with Ophelia.
Tasering Stu and Charlie seems to have been the straw that broke the camel's back. It also ruined a perfectly good pool table due to Charlie's Taser induced incontinence. And now old friends are acting strange, they shake their heads and say she's changed but they really don't know Marcy at all. Because she's about to get back to normal and soon Shenis will be nothing but a memory.
The really important issue, though, is what's going to happen next week? Will Faith, Charlie, Stu and Atticus be happy with Hank's new manuscript? And what about Becca? At first glance, you might think her opinion really doesn't count for anything but you should look again. She's the only one who isn't in show business (And writing is just another branch of show business. You might also think that Faith isn't in show business either but she is), which makes her a consumer and that means that hers is the only opinion that really counts.
Doubly so because she happens to be Hank's daughter but even if she were a perfect stranger, she would still be the only one that he needs to please. The others he needs to cajole, bully or intimidate in order to get to the launching pad but he doesn't necessarily have to please them, For monetary reasons. For other reasons, such as continuing to sing naked duets in bed with Faith, he needs to inject some heart into it. Because how many strikes is she going to give him before declaring him Out?
They say everything can be replaced, yet every distance is not near and I don't know about you but I wouldn't want to be faced with the task of replacing Faith---Who still didn't model her Catholic schoolgirl uniform for us but we'll talk about that next week if the problem still hasn't been rectified---and now you're probably wondering what Bob Dylan has do with all this.
Oh ye of little Faith. Groove on this, babies, and I'll see you next week, don't forget to wear your Catholic schoolgirl uniform:
Mama Cass, Mary Travers & Joni Mitchell - I Shall Be Releasedhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&v=8aYAUE6is7I&NR=1 Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: Morning Show With Mark And Steve---WOC AM 1420
|Saturday, March 9th, 2013|
|You Stay As Far Away From Me As Possible
Previously in these very pages, I explained why Lucas Hood is named Hood and now, since this week's episode is called Always The Cowboy (Banshee Season 1 Episode 9 Always The Cowboy http://www.cinemax.com/banshee/season-1/9-always-the-cowboy.html
), I reckon it's time to explain why he's named Lucas.
You kids aren't going to know or care but a long time ago in a galaxy far far away, way before you were born, there was a TV show called The Rifleman starring Chuck Connors as a man named Lucas McCain and every week he'd get into one scrape or another that seemed hopeless until through sheer gumption and the will of God and the writers, he prevailed and shot the bad guys dead. Often with the help of Sweeney, the grizzled but kindly and wise old bartender. Sort of the way Luke Skywalker saved the Empire with the help of grizzled but kindly old Jedi masters.
So you get the idea. Wherever bad guys congregate, be it New Mexico in the 1880's, outer space in the long distant future which is really a long time ago for reasons only Einstein could understand, or a small town in present day Pennsylvania, there will be someone named Lucas or sometimes Luke, there to gun them down. Sort of. Nowadays, there's usually an arch villain, such as Rabbit, the Joker or Darth Vader who isn't gunned down until the last episode, if even then. But that's OK because in the meantime lots of lessor bad guys are killed and you get to see Carrie, Princess Leia and Lou Mallory naked.
As long as you have premium cable. And for as long as premium cable survives because there are enough people who are able to pay for it which is a subject we don't have time to go into but since you brought up the Sequester, this is as good a time as any to observe that Kai's stoppage of the work on the new casino last night was the Sequester. In a miniaturized and easier to understand format.
Submitted for your approval, stopping work on the casino benefited no one, except in the very short term and meanwhile everyone at the bottom suffers while the rich guys at the top who don't even need a casino fight their petty battles to see who gets a little more of the vast majority of the spoils that they don't even need in the first place. You can really relate to this if you live in Davenport (http://www.qconline.com/archives/qco/display.php?id=628069
) and if you don't live in the Other Big D, the one in Iowa that never gets any credit for anything and won't even be able to keep calling itself the Other Big D when Dallas gets wind of it and sues, don't worry, cause you can still relate. Just not as much.
Anyway, it is true enough that Kai needs to find a way to keep Alex Longshadow from double crossing him by reneging on the deal his dad made with him but does he have to do it by shutting down the entire country? Well, OK, shutting down the construction crew, just like the other Sequester, doesn't shut down the entire country but it's close enough for government work. And aren't there other, less painful, solutions that could be employed?
Of course there are but when you're in Kai's position, why be merciful when you can be dramatic? Especially when you need high ratings to survive. Do you ever get the feeling that after he was shunned, Kai became an intern on Capital Hill and learned everything he knows about business there? Or vice-versa?
But enough about Congressmen and other gangsters cause we've still got way more issues to deal with than we have time with which to deal with them which means we have to do lots of painful cutting that's going to leave you in the dark about many vital issues. But that's just the way the apple bread crumbles.
Speaking of yummy Amish treats, let's talk about Rebecca. Kai doubled down on his No Lucas policy right after beating Lucas up this week. While simultaneously almost being killed by him. Oh, if only we had more time to draw further parallels between him and Congress but we don't, so we'll just ask, "Do you think the No Lucas rule will be obeyed by anyone?"
Even more importantly, will she wear her bonnet while she strips for all the unauthorized encounters? Friends, if you're going to pray for just one thing this year, let that be it. Now that she and her bonnet are safely in the hands of God where they belong, let's thank Rabbit for one big thing: Getting the "Luke, I am your father," moment out of the way finally for everyone.
Lucas already knew that he was Deva's father but now everyone else concerned does too and we won't have the whole Boardwalk Empire style controversy where-in everyone knows that Nucky is Jimmy's father but it is never confirmed. See, kids? Homicidal mobsters who would gladly kill their own grandson to get what they want are useful, too.
So now, if you disregard all the things we don't have time for, the only thing left to ask is, "How is Lucas going to get out of the police station alive?" If you remember, and even if you don't, this week ended with Rabbit setting him up for certain death and he has to figure out a way to get out of it. Which he will do cause, like, it's his show. Duh. We just don't know how. Neither do we know if Rebecca will be waiting for him, wearing just a bonnet, when he does. That's why we're praying. Amen. Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: Jim Tice, WLPL-FM Baltimore, June 13, 1970 Pt. 2
|Friday, March 8th, 2013|
|It's Friday, You Bastards, International Women's Day Edition
Some marketing specialists would think that the Roasted Garlic Sirloin and Chocolate Mousse Dessert Shooter would be enough to keep me coming back but that's why they don't work for Applebee's. The folks in Kansas City get it together, baby and they don't have room for slackers. That's why, when they suspect my interest might be waning, despite the Triple Chocolate Meltdown®, they rev up the PR machine and in less than two months they manage to humiliate a preacher (http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/applebees-waitress-fired-pastor-receipt-193820748.html
) AND take a bite out of identity theft crimes (http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/applebees-waitress-stolen-id-drivers-license-154712609.html
While at the same time slapping the Infinite Improbability Drive into high gear. Which is also why those people are marketing specialists and not writers. If they had constructed a work of fiction wherein a waitress busts the girl who stole her wallet because the latter presented the former's drivers license while trying to order a drink from her and then a few weeks earlier, in another location of the same chain, another waitress makes a laughingstock out of a minister, no publisher would touch it with a ten foot pole because it could never happen in real life. Not even in Hollywood.
So they sidestepped all that misery and disappointment by making it happen in real life. Even in Hollywood. And then they upped the ante by making the preacher a Black woman who is named after Adolf Hitler's father (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alois_Hitler
). You kids out there probably think that's a case of gleaming the cube but think about it. What else could they do? Who else but someone named after Herr Oberoffizial Hitler would even think of stiffing a waitress and then blaming it on a mythical being?
OK, good point. They could have named her Willard Mitt Bell but have you ever heard of a girl named Willard? Even in West Hollywood? Come on, even the editors at the Infinite Improbability Drive have their limits. So Alois Bell it was, is and will always be. And everyone, except for the waitress, gets their 10% and they all live happily ever after.
Now that that fable that could have never happened but happened anyway...And all you people who say I'm crazy for listening to Coast To Coast AM every night because none of that weird stuff could ever really happen feel properly chastised...is out of the way, we are free to do what we came here to do which is to celebrate women.
Starting with Fifi, my Sommelier, who invented this Theme Drink for tonight:
International Wonder Woman
2 oz Midori melon liqueur
2 oz Peach schnapps
3 oz Orange juice
1 oz Pineapple juice
2 oz Cranberry juice
Fill hurricane glass with ice. Add ingredients in order listed. Don't stir! Should have three layers; green, orange, and red. Garnish with a cherry.
As if that isn't enough, we also have tonight's featured party game: Binders Full Of International Women. And ladies, remember, you get bonus points if you are actually dressed like Wonder Woman. But not as many as you get if skip the costume altogether and go for the more au naturale look.
The choice is entirely up to you though, because this is your day. And no one can take that away from you. So overdress or underdress, it's all up to you. Whatever makes you happy. And if you make the wrong choice? Well, I'm not saying you're just like Hitler or anything but, as my friend Rand might put it, if the mustache fits, wear it. And don't act all shocked and surprised if everyone starts calling you Alois cause you asked for it. Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: Morning Report With Mark & Steve, WOC AM 1420
|Monday, March 4th, 2013|
|Sometimes, It's Important To Lie To Children
In the immortal words of Atticus Fetch, who I am liking more and more every-time I see him, "You're either Keith Moon or Keith Richards and you don't know which until you end up in a grave or the old folks home." It's not an original thought. Most of us, along with everyone who has ever hosted a talk-show, have made some variation of the very same observation at least once since September 7, 1978 when, for the benefit of you kids who have no idea who Keith Moon is, one of the best drummers ever died at the age of 32, but Atticus lends an air of authenticity to it that you just don't hear everyday.
Because he is the big time rock star living the big time rock star life that we all dream about but don't have the talent to make happen. Starring in The Dope Show. How's that for a segue? I needed to quickly get to the title of this week's show (Californication Season 6 Episode 7 The Dope Show http://www.sho.com/sho/californication/season/6/episode/7#/index
) and Marilyn Manson in a non-contrived, unforced, smooth manner, and there it was. Just like magic. The Dope Show go boom.
Kids, don't try that at home. I'm a highly trained, vastly experienced professional writer and I have a stuntman. You don't. Do the math and then get back to med or law school or however else you're wasting your life away, where you belong. But don't go right this very minute, because for the next few minutes at least, courtesy of the sorcery of Hollywood combined with my own mad prose skillz, "We're all stars now in the dope show. We're all stars now in the dope show."
We're on kind of a tight schedule that doesn't allow for an opening act so let's dive right into the headliner with, "If it had been up to me, I would have had Billy Joel rather than Marilyn Manson planning a Frank Sinatra like duet (http://www.amazon.com/Duets-Frank-Sinatra/dp/B000002USN
) project with Atticus and would have entitled the episode Say Goodbye To Hollywood but I am happy to report that Marilyn did a more than adequate job and it was another five star episode."
Plus, it relieves me of the burden of explaining to you kids who Billy Joel is. Which leaves us free to plow into the short version of who Keith Richards is: The 69 year old lead guitarist for the Rolling Stones who, according to most doctors, should have died sometime in 1962 because he has been trying to kill himself at least once every ten minutes since 1958. Most legal experts say Keith can't die because he is not allowed to until he reaches some kind of settlement with Count Dracula, who has been suing him since 1963 for intellectual property theft, because the Count says he owns the rights to immortality.
And just like anytime lawyers get involved with anything, you end up with a guy being sued for not dying who is not allowed to die until the suit is settled and the judge lifts the court order. Which can't happen until he dies and...If I say anymore about it, I'm going to get sued by Joe Heller because he claims to own the rights to Catch-22, so I'll just stop right here. The good news is that Mick Jagger, because he derives most of his income from the Rolling Stones and those of us who love really good music are happy with the system but everyone else seems to be fed up with it. And there was a nice tribute to Keith last week when Trudy snorted her dead husband (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1323930/Keith-Richards-I-really-DID-snort-fathers-ashes.html
) so we're even happier.
Well, to be totally honest, I don't know how Mick feels about Trudy and the snorting on the plane, so let's just forget about him and start talking about Becca. Because she's barely older than you and she's the reason we got to meet Marilyn Manson. Take notes, kids, if you want to meet one of your biggest idols, trash your dad's agent's house while they're in New York and your parents will make it all happen.
And then you can explain to Marilyn that you don't want to have a threesome with him and your mom. Unless you're down with that. Whichever. The important thing is to know when to say when so your parents don't panic and ship you off to a convent. And if you're in Hank's shoes, don't feel up your hostess's chest unless you know your, for want of a better word, wife, is safely preoccupied, having sex with your daughter and a rock star. Otherwise, just say no.
You'd know that if you had ever paid any attention to Atticus' anti-drug PSA's. Which is another tribute to Keith Richards, by the way, because he was the first major star to do them. Wow, we could get really lost in all the rock and roll references so we'll just end the addiction right here and now. Cold turkey.
And now, the end is near and we face the final curtain. My friend, Ill say it clear. I'll state my case of which I'm certain: What the Hell happened to Stu? Week before last, he was imprisoned in a medieval torture device (More about them in a minute) on Mary's couch and this week she's shacking up with Charlie as if they had never split up and Stu had never existed.
What happened in the meantime? And speaking of Charlie, just how can Marcy hold it against him for making a brief porno in the men's room at the Play-Zone? They weren't officially back together until several hours afterwards. And that togetherness was tenuous at best. I say she is cheating and should be penalized 15 yards. Or be forced to model a female chastity belt for an entire episode.
Now, let's get back to medieval torture devices. Atticus collects them and that was a very accurate touch because have you ever been to a rock and roll star's house? Or browsed a Julien's Auction catalog? They all collect things that are very interesting and out of the price range of most ordinary people. Except for Mick, and don't bother going to his house because he collects Persian rugs and while they are really expensive, it doesn't make them unboring.
And medieval torture devices brings him a step closer to being more like Alice Cooper---Who has a very impressive collection of golf clubs, and I guess that's just what happens to you when you stop drinking---which is perfect because this show is still crying out for a spin-off and Atticus is my current number one favorite to get that gig and he needed to be a bit more three dimensional and this fascination with torture fits the bill.
And then there's Faith. Who lost a lot of points this week for not appearing and then lost even more for not appearing in her Catholic schoolgirl uniform. Lucky for her, I'm the kind who forgives and forgets, so if she comes back next week, appropriately dressed, I will be the first to say that Californication needs two spin-offs and she should get one of them.
I, of course, place all the blame for that right where it belongs, on Charlie's shoulders. At the same time, I'm giving him a lot of credit for getting rid of that goon roadie who spent all last week threatening Hank. Not enough credit, unfortunately for him, because of the Faith fiasco, to get my recommendation for starring roles in the launches of Atticus' and Faith's new shows. Maybe he'll know better next time. Which, if my inside sources can be trusted, is going to be all about Hank reading and reviewing Becca's manuscript...And if he really likes it, who knows, maybe there's a third spinoff with her name on it. Minus Charlie. Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: Morning Report With Mark & Steve, WOC AM 1420