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|Sunday, October 5th, 2014|
|This Week's Sermon
Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom which cannot be shaken, let us have grace, by which we may serve God acceptably with reverence and godly fear.
Brothers and sisters, I have to start this week's sermon by saying I'm sorry to be the one chosen to shake the Kingdom that cannot be shaken but I will quickly add that someone had to do it and since Fate picked me, I will try to not complain about it too much. Mine is not to reason why so I will not question why I was volunteered for this mission, I will simply complete it with all my customary grace, reverence and Godly fear.
Now shall we get on with the shaking? All opposed say nay. Let the record show there were no nay votes. Motion carries. We shall shake. But first, a little of the background that has led us to this point. Brethren, the genesis of the shaking lay in the fact that I couldn't find an especially uplifting and entertaining story about religion...Well, there is one but it came in after the deadline so we will save it for later...this week, so I decided to use this time for confession.
Starting with me. That's sounds absurd, because how could a perfect Saint like me (I was also the Pope for a while. But most folks just call me Saint Gregory the Great now. I don't want to brag or anything but look, I have my own Wiki entry (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pope_Gregory_I
) and they don't give them to just anyone) have something to confess?
I will admit that it took a very long time to find a flaw within myself but I finally found one. It's probably the only one but that's OK because all we need is one. Unless I decide to use this bit again sometime in the future, in which case we'll be in real trouble but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Right now, though, we're saved because I can say unto you, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I am a Conservative."
I know you aren't going to believe that without tons of supporting evidence because extraordinary claims require extraordinary proof. It also doesn't help that people have been calling me a Liberal for thousands of years. So I am going to once again do the impossible by showing you this:
This Is The Income Inequality Video CEOs Don’t Want Americans To See
Now, if you missed it, the reason this proves that I'm a Conservative is that it shows that most Americans think a fair executive to ordinary worker pay ratio is 7:1. Because I would be comfortable if it was 50:1. Now, I do have conditions attached to it. In the first place, the playing field has to be level. If you're a half Black, half Asian cross-dressing Lesbian who used to be Muslim but are now an Atheist and you're covered in tattoos, you have to have the same opportunities and advantages as someone like me.
In the other first place, if you are running a company and you get 50 times what your lowest paid employee is making, you have to earn it. You can't be mediocre or worse and just keep getting away with it. In other words, you have to do such a good job that all your employees are doing so well that they don't mind that you're making up to 50 times what they are.
There are other things, too, like the return of the tax structure that Cenk talked about. Over about $3 million, you would have to pay 90% in taxes and if you want to be a multi-billionaire, that's fine but you're gonna have to work really really hard for it. And there's a little more but that's the essence of what really sets me apart from the people who have co-opted the Conservative title. They are lazy welfare queens who want everything at your expense.
So that's my confession, I am a genuine true Conservative. To me, hard work means reward, not the chance to make people like Mitt Romney more rich. To the faux Conservatives, you are a slave that they have to grudgingly give a little food and shelter to so they can profitably work you to death while at the same time telling you, you aren't a success because you're lazy. Did you look at the productivity chart in the video? Yep, Linda Lovelace never got screwed at work as much as you are.
Whew. I feel million tons lighter now that I have confessed my biggest and probably only sin. Now it's your turn. The Confessional, AKA the comments section, is now open. Feel free to confess anything. No ones gonna judge you. We're just gonna tell you you're going to Hell, that's all. And keep in mind that the best and most entertaining sins usually involve some kind of fornication. So if you want to make Sinner Of The Year, you're gonna have to spice it up a little.
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Red State Update: Episode 40: This Ain't My First Racist Ro
|Saturday, October 4th, 2014|
|Two More Good Stories And One That"s Really Awesome
For the second day in a row, which I believe may be a new record, I am leading with a huge Feel Good story:
Homophobic Bakery Goes Bankrupt
Now everyone has good arguments on both sides of this case but the bottom line for me is that Oregon said, "NO! You may not discriminate against anyone but since you tried, it's going to cost you $150,000." And I couldn't be more thrilled. Well, OK, I would be a little more thrilled if the fine was $1 million but if $150,000 is enough to put these horrible people out of business, then I will learn to be happy with it. And these monsters have 5 or 12 or 70 kids, I forget the exact number and I don't want them to be hurt.
I am also thrilled that it gives me a chance to say to all my "successful" Republican friends that are so proud and uppity because they run their own small businesses, "If you can't stand a $150,000 hit, you aren't very successful. Get over yourself. In fact, you're really bad at running a business. And I don't really care how badly you run your business as long as you follow all the rules but I do wish you would stop voting because that's where your ignorance and ineptitude affects all of us."
I really hope this scares the bejesus out of every other bigot who runs a business in America. And that other states follow Oregon's good example when the bigots aren't smart enough to be scared. At the very least, Oregon has shown what could happen and maybe that's enough to keep those people up at night and get them to think twice about everything they do.
This kind of unusual for me because I hardly ever agree or like what any government does. Even when they do things I like, I usually feel they don't far enough or somehow mange to screw it up but this time I'm about 95% happy. Even stranger, that's not the only Feel Good story I have for today, cause there's this one, too: Marriott fined $600,000 by FCC for blocking guests' Wi-Fi (http://www.cnn.com/2014/10/03/travel/marriott-fcc-wi-fi-fine/index.html?hpt=hp_t2).
Again, I think the fine should be a LOT higher but I am still in such a good mood from finding out that the homophobic bakers are going out of business, that I'm gonna be 93% happy this time with the FCC. This might be the only time I've ever liked the FCC. Probably not but I can't remember another example.
And now we come to the REALLY AWESOME story:
Political Ad Backfires In Epic Disaster
That's such a huge surprise. The Black, Asian and the old white lady in the ad are all fakes! I know it's completely delusional (Because there are still a whole lot of homophobic bakers out there and they all vote Republican) but I am letting this make me feel better about the election. Hey, whatever gets you through October, right?
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Red State Update: Episode 40: This Ain't My First Racist Ro
|Friday, October 3rd, 2014|
|It's Friday, You Bastards
Let's start this Friday with a huge Feel Good story:
Two English Teachers Caught Having Sex With 16 Year Old Male Student
Well, it is a huge Feel Good story for that boy in Louisiana but the rest of us can feel good for him and that's the same thing. Sort of. While at the same time, we can't help wondering where those teachers were when we were in high school. Oh, right. They weren't born yet (Well, the oldest of the two was born in 1982, which is the year I graduated and I was 18 by then). And now Feel Good has turned into Depressing.
Is there any way to save this? Maybe. We can try looking at it like this: Maybe this threesome shows us how intention works on the macro scale. We already know how it works on the Quantum scale. Well, we don't know exactly how it works but we do know that your intentions affect the outcome of experiments. But up here in the macro world, it's hard to call the connection between intention and outcome anything but coincidence because it's so unreliable. You know this first hand if you've ever wished or prayed for anything.
But. Is this this student-teacher mini orgy evidence of how intention works here in the macro world? Did a 100+ years of kids like you and me sitting in class wishing for two hot teachers to have sex with us produce it finally? Possibly. And it's encouraging. It makes you wonder what else we could accomplish if we all put our minds to it. Until you remember that it took over thirty years and then it worked for SOMEONE ELSE!
And here we are, right back at depressing. Ladies and gentlemen, I think we've reached the point where we have to fight fire with fire. The fire in this case is depression so we're going to use the most powerful and readily available depressant we have, alcohol, to fight it. So here's Fifi, my Sommelier, with the Theme Drink she invented for today:
Zoloft In A Mug
Heavy cream, chilled
3/4 oz Metaxa 7-Star
1/2 oz Amaretto
1/2 oz Tia maria
Hot black Coffee
Sugar (if desired)
Lightly beat cream with few drops vanilla. Reserve. To warmed 7-oz. mug, add Metaxa, amaretto, and Tia Maria. Pour in coffee. Taste for sweetness: add sugar if desired. Top with beaten cream.
Well, I can see that someone still thinks my universal ban on coffee (http://www.blogster.com/xander6464/its-national-coffee-day-you-bastards) doesn't apply to her, so it's time to stop being soft on crime. But we can do that later. Right now, let's play tonight's Featured Party Game: Binders Full Of Girls Acting Like English Teachers.
Have fun but Just one word of caution: Don't do anything you don't mind having on your permanent record and/or YouTube.
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
|Thursday, October 2nd, 2014|
|Who Would You Kick Out?
According to a FOX News poll...Wait, don't laugh. Putting FOX News and Poll together isn't the joke. In fact, funny as it may sound, it's a real thing. FOX News has been asking it's viewers about their opinions for years. I assume they're all oral polls because FOX News fans, bless their hearts, aren't exactly known for their high literacy levels but that's beside the point.
What isn't beside the point is that FOX has once again asked it's viewers a question and this time it was, "If it was up to you, what state would you kick out of the Union (Fox News Poll: Voters reveal which state they want kicked out of the union: http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2014/10/02/fox-news-poll-voters-reveal-which-state-want-kicked-out-union/
Can you guess which state they chose? Yes, that is way too easy a question but it was the only one I had at that point so let's just get to the obvious answer, which is exactly what you're thinking, California. Yep. The pro-business, freedom loving residents of Mississippi (No matter where they actually live, everyone who answered this poll really lives in Mississippi) wants to kick out the state with the biggest economy and almost the most freedom. And if they're smart enough to never elect another Republican governor, they will soon be #1 in every category.
Unlike Mississippi, which is, well, just let me show you this little tidbit from a California blogger:
I did a little digging about the great state of Mississippi and was frightened by what I found. Here are some fun facts about how Mississippi ranks among all 50 states (source: statemaster.com):
50th (dead last) in percentage of the population with a high-school diploma or equivalent
50th (dead last) in median family income
49th in Health Index
49th in Personal Income per capita
1st in Obesity
2nd highest unemployment rate
1st in percentage of population below the poverty line
1st in child death rate
Way to go, conservatives! I could go on and on but you get the picture. Am I saying that conservative=fat=unhealthy=ignorant? Of course not. I just report… you decide…http://www.venturamojo.com/2011/03/01/mississippi-first-in-number-of-conservatives-last-in-education/
Thank you, Ventura Mojo. I wish I had written that. But I didn't, so I'll just point out more of the obvious: Conservatism doesn't work and Mississippi is proof. I'll also mention that Dennis (http://www.dennismillerradio.com/...He
's one of the two Conservative comedians. The other one is Larry The Cable Guy) said the other day that California could go bankrupt and come begging Texas for help, so he's totally on-board with kicking California out. Even though, if anyone's gonna go bankrupt, it'll be Texas, not California. But that's the kind of thinking that comes with being last in education. And first in welfare. Dennis should move to Jackson cause he'd fit right in.
Before I go any further, I should point out that I love Mississippi. Despite all its' problems. And I feel really sorry for all the great people who live there who are drowning because of all the Conservative dead-weight hanging around their necks. I also want to point out that if you live in a Red State such as Texas, Tennessee or Wisconsin, your fate is to become identical to Mississippi if you don't start mending your ways and stop voting for Republicans.
In short, Conservatives aren't very smart or successful but they are never short on really bad ideas. Including self-mutilation. After California, the state they most want to kick out is New York, no surprise there, but #3 and #4? Texas and Florida. I know Florida is a purple state now but do you inbred hillbillies really want to get rid of it? Considering that parts of it are indistinguishable from Mississippi and Alabama? And Texas? You really want to be all on your own?
I really don't get it. Then again, I'm not a Special Needs counselor so I guess I'm not intended to get it. And the only thing left is to ask you, if you could just get rid of a bunch worthless losers (Let's pretend it's a perfect world and there won't be any innocent victims), who would you kick out? Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: Coast To Coast AM---George Noory, WOC AM 1420
|Wednesday, October 1st, 2014|
|Wake Me Up When The Madness Ends
Those of you who asked me to wake you up when September ends, this is it. #WAKEUP! Or #IT'SOCTOBERNOW! Take your pick. Just get out of bed. Then tell me how you did it. I would love to be able to sleep for a whole month. In fact, I really want to do it right now. I don't want to get up until after the election, and then, if it goes badly, I don't want to get up until after the 2016 election. And if that goes badly, I want to go back to bed until conservatism finally dies. How long will that take? A lot of experts say that will take about 20 years. They also say that it will appear to be a powerful force until just about right the very end. That means that people like Scott Walker and Joni Ernst are going to win until around 2036 but it can't survive past that because their average voters are about 72 years old right now.
So if 2016 goes badly, I want to stay in bed at least until 2036 but that still might not be long enough. Because while futurists are rarely wrong in general, their time-frames are often 100% wrong. Take a look at this view of 1976 from 1956:
GM Firebird ll Gas Turbine Car Travelogue - 1956
It's amazing that they got the general ideas of several things right...Not really all that amazing when you consider that all the technology you use today was there in 1956. They just had a few engineering and economic hurdles to get past...The details are all wrong and we still don't have self driving cars in everyday use and we still have traffic jams but self driving cars are here and there will be one in your driveway someday soon but they were generally right, despite getting all the details wrong, about how the future is going to look. The biggest thing they got wrong was the year. 1976 was basically identical to 1956. And 2014 isn't a whole lot different. But we do have GPS (Which is the control tower in the movie) and we've seen self driving cars.
This worries me because 2036 could look as much like 2014 as 1976 looked like 1956. And then how long would I have to sleep? 2050? 2080? You know, this is the big downside of ObamaCare. A lot of the old pricks you wish were already dead are going to live forever. At least it's going to feel like forever. Ironically, they'll be trying to repeal ObamaCare the whole time but that's another issue for another day.
The issue for today is, how many more years are we going to see stories like this because idiots keep voting for Conservatives?
Walmart To Tracy Morgan, You're Partly To Blame For The Crash
You might say that isn't a political issue but it is. People who think corporations are people...With lots of privileges and rights you don't have..., my friend, run the economy and most of our politics and this is the result. They can literally kill people, claim it's the victim's fault and get away away with it. Even if a jury rules against them, they still win cause all they will have to pay is a few million dollars at most. They make over $2 million in PROFIT every hour of everyday, 365 days a year, so do the math. It would be like you being fined maybe $25, if your income is average.
And what do you think would happen to you if you (If you're average and can't use the "I'm too rich to go to jail" defense) killed someone because you were negligent? You would be crucified and if you said the victim was at fault, you would be crucified twice.
I don't want to be awake for another 20 or more years of that, so help me out here. How you do you sleep for an entire month? And how can I stretch it out to several decades if necessary? I might be needlessly worrying because 2014 and 2016 could go great but just in case, what's your secret?
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---George Noory, WOC AM 1420
|Tuesday, September 30th, 2014|
|More Politics And Religion
Hilarious: Sarah Palin Not Quite Sure Where the White House Is
I really should save this one for Sunday because when we get done with Sarah, we're gonna get religious. But since the future is uncertain and the end is always near, we're gonna do it today. Plus, we've already looked at the religious part, this is just a new aspect of it.
If you wanna get really technical about it, there's also nothing new about pointing out how stupid Sarah is. But when she does something so boneheaded as getting the White House's address wrong, it seems brand new. Can you believe this girl STILL actually thinks she's qualified to be the Vice President? Can you believe that my #1 Favorite Local Conservative Crackpot (http://www.woc1420.com/onair/jim-fisher-1936/) still calls her, and I quote, "Smart and well qualified."
I don't want to tell you what to think or who to vote for but I do want to remind you that Jim is a staunch Republican who is also vehemently opposed to abortion and ask you to consider that when you go to the polls on November 4. I'm just sayin', if you vote for Republicans, you might just as well cut out the middlemen politicians and let a senile old man who thinks Sarah Palin is smart and has a radio show in Davenport directly run your entire life.
Notice I didn't call Jim a racist. Even though he is. I don't want Sarah to get mad at me for putting down the most unfairly maligned, powerless and victimized group of people in the entire history of the world, rich old white men. And what of the rich old white women? Well, they are just as maligned, powerless and victimized but they don't really count cause they're just obediant Penis Homes.
Are Women Just 'Penis Homes'?
As I just said a minute ago, we've already covered Pastor Mark Driscoll and his Penis Home theory. But this clip features more of the quote plus brand new commentary so everyone should see it. Again, I don't want to tell you what to think or who to vote for but I will remind you that if you vote any Republican but especially the Family Values ones, you are really voting for Mark Driscoll.
I also want to point out that Mark says your penis really belongs to God...Unless you're a girl and look at you! You're here reading, just like a real person! That's so cute...but then he says that that's the same reason that you can't sleep with anyone else than your wife. Because all other girls belong to some other man.
But if that other man's penis is God's too, why would God object? God owns all the penis's and all the houses so how can it be wrong to sublet a different house once in a while? It seems to me that what we have here is yet another Preacher who's trying to have it both ways and has been blessed with a congregation that lets him get away with it.
Well, they did right up until the point where they forced him to resign and close all his churches. And speaking of having it both ways, I think that, based on Mark Driscoll's teachings, sodomy is fully endorsed by God. Well, I always thought that but now I have a brand new reason to think it.
If there was anything at all wrong with placing God's penis in someone else's anus or mouth...It doesn't matter if it happens during Gay or straight sex cause that's common ground for all of us...wouldn't God have strongly objected by now? And I don't think a 2000+ year old document that's vague and contradicts itself counts. Because God created me in His own image and if you were to put my penis somewhere that I didn't want it to go, I'd speak up in very clear and certain terms.
I would ban you from having all Gay sex...I feel ashamed because that makes me sound so Republican but if I were God and you were using my penis, Gay sex would just be out. Of course, I would also be smart and kind enough to make you not desire it in the first place. You would be born straight with no chance of switching. And you wouldn't have a problem with it and it would only apply to men.
Unless I had like one brain cell, in which case I would give you your own penis and the freedom to do whatever you want with it with my blessing, as long as the other person wants to, too. And if it wasn't consensual, I would be very vocal about that, too. You would never have to wonder or debate about what I would think or want or not want because I would tell you. Directly. Loudly. Unmistakably.
I also wouldn't discriminate against women. I'd tell them that their vagina's are their's to do whatever they want with them. I would include in the Ten Commandments one that says that if you use a strap-on with a another girl, I get to watch. Come on, what's the use of me being God if I don't get something out of it?
Anyway, my point is that if you believe the Your Penis Is God's Penis model, you by default, must believe that all sodomy, be it Gay or straight, organic or plastic, as well as cheating, is perfectly cool with God because if it wasn't, He would be clear for once.. It's also a message from God that you should vote for Democrats because the Republicans are against everything He stands for. It's a pretty weak and confusing message that has a lot of holes if you look at it too closely but for our God, it's a pretty stellar effort. Don't let God down. Vote for Democrats. Then celebrate by having sex with whoever you want to have sex with as long as it's consensual.
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---George Noory, WOC AM 1420
|Monday, September 29th, 2014|
|Welcome To My Latest Nightmare
I had a nightmare Saturday night. No, I'm not talking about the Value Voters Summit 2014 (http://www.frcaction.org/get.cfm?i=PG14H07
)...even though in many ways the entire event does qualify as a nightmare for most people. But like I said, I like it because it is the most far out fantasy fiction you're ever gonna find.
But even with that being said, I have to add that too much of a good thing can be bad and I have to admit that I left early yesterday. I was going to stay for the last scheduled even, the WORSHIP SERVICE in the Palladian Room but then I found out that the featured speaker, Tony Perkins was the same Tony Perkins I had already seen and talked to a million times this weekend. The one who's President of the FRC Action and Family Research Council. Instead of the actor, Anthony Perkins (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anthony_Perkins
). Or a relative of Marlin Perkins (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marlin_Perkins
). Or even the weatherman (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tony_Perkins_
Maybe most disappointing of all, he isn't even remotely related to Matt and Ivan Perkins, the founders of Perkins (http://www.perkinsrestaurants.com/
). Because I really needed a BBQ Bacon Supreme Burger. The closest Perkins to DC is in Newark, Delaware, so I had my pilot fly us to Cedar Rapids (http://www.eiairport.org/
) instead of the QC (http://www.qcairport.com/
) and we had lunch there. Because they have a Perkins. Oh, we could have gone to Iowa City, too, but CR is almost the same distance from here, especially when you're flying, so why not?
Surprisingly enough, that forced detour caused by the people who run Perkins today having absolutely no regard for my wants and needs, wasn't the subject of the nightmare, either. In fact, it had nothing at all to do with Washington, DC or the voyages there and back (Which it really couldn't have been about because I was still there when it happened. Unless it would have been a prophetic nightmare, which it wasn't). Even though, I had just seen Ted Cruz, Michele Bachmann et al, speak.
Nope, this nightmare was a lot more scary than any of that. You are likely to have a different opinion when you hear what it was and in that way it's an abject lesson in the Theory Of Relativity. In other words, if you were me, you'd know just how scary it was.
Is that a long enough preamble yet? It is? Good, cause I'm getting impatient. The nightmare was diabetes. My personal physician, Dr. Morticia Strangelove, told me that I had it. I know that it's not a big deal to most of you. Yes, it is a huge pain in the neck but it's no longer a death sentence and it's nothing to be really afraid of these days.
Unless you're me. Cause I have a pathological fear of needles. And "Pathological Fear" is understating the issue. By a lot. If a deranged murderer wanted to attack me with a chainsaw, it'd be OK with me. I'd calmly fight or try to find a way to escape. But if he attacked me with a needle, panic would take over and I'd just fall apart. It doesn't make any sense at all but that's the way fear works and the upshot is, a diagnosis of Diabetes for me would be exactly the same as me committing suicide because there is no way I am going to stick needles into myself several times a day. I couldn't even if I wanted to.
Oh, if it ever happens in real life, I might get the kind that you can control with pills instead of injections but don't you have to check your blood sugar levels with them, too? So that would still be completely out of the question. I am also not big on dieting, exercising and quitting smoking which are the first things they tell you to do when you get Diabetes. I don't fear them but I don't like them and it has pretty much the same effect as fear.
In this dream...Did you notice I stopped calling it a nightmare? That's a subtle narrative trick I'm using to ease you into the idea that this really wasn't a very scary nightmare. It only qualifies as a nightmare in a technical sense because dying doesn't frighten me to a huge degree and now, I'm backing away from it...I had to have injections. Dr. Morticia gave me one of those needles that look like pens that you see advertised on TV and I laughed and said, "Are you kidding?"
She said, "It's either that or blindness and gangrene. Among other things." I still laughed, even though, when I was young, I watched an uncle of mine who was only 33 (He was 33 when he died but he had had diabetes since he was 12 or 13 and it just kept getting more worse and miserable), die a long slow miserable death from those things (He did everything his doctors told him to do, including sticking himself with needles a million times a day but back then, it just wasn't enough) and therefore know how bad they can be.
And I really don't want to go blind or suffer through gangrene. Among all the other things. On the other hand, I see nothing wrong with suicide. So this could have been a lot more frightening than it was. If you're like me as far as needles go but see life as a good thing that is worth enduring anything for, this is the kind of dream that could haunt you for months. You wouldn't be as haunted as if you had just watched Ted Cruz give a speech but it would come darn close.
Oh! One more thing, ma'am or sir. I was going to seamlessly weave this article (Do you want to live beyond age 75?: http://www.cbsnews.com/news/do-you-want-to-live-beyond-age-75/
) into the text but I forgot. It doesn't matter a bit to me but if I just toss it away, my Research Staff, who spent a whole ten seconds finding it, are going to have a fit and that's a headache I don't need. So there it is. I used it. Click on it if you want. Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: Coast To Coast AM---George Knapp, WOC AM 1420
|It's National Coffee Day, You Bastards
By popular demand, I am throwing away decades of principled conviction and recognizing National Coffee Day (Monday is National Coffee Day. No kidding.: http://money.cnn.com/2014/09/28/news/economy/national-coffee-day/index.html
). My feelings about coffee haven't changed. It is a vile undrinkable fluid that comes directly from the bowels of Hell and I continue to forbid you to manufacture, purchase, brew, drink or possess it.
Somehow, it seems to remains popular, though, and it is the only excuse I've seen so far today to throw a party, so Happy Coffee Day, You Bastards. I've never celebrated National Coffee Day before so I don't even know where to start. So why don't we turn the show over to Fifi, my Sommelier? I don't know what she's invented for today's Theme Drink but the one thing we can count on is that it will not contain coffee:
Vive La Coffee Révolution
2 oz Coffee brandy
2 oz Light rum
4 oz strong, black Coffee
2 tsp Powdered sugar
Combine and stir all ingredients in a brandy snifter. Add cracked ice and serve.
Ah, I see the peasants are still revolting. Don't panic. I'll have my secret police take care of it. Right after they come back from their coffee break. In the meantime, just have a beer like a normal person and we'll play tonight's Featured Party Game: Binders Full Of Nude Baristas Serving Anything But Coffee.
I think you'll be pleasantly surprised to find out how many truly good uses for whipped cream there are, once you stop wasting it on banned substances like cappuccino. I don't know what to do with the rest of the evening is open because this is my first National Coffee Day but I'm sure we'll think of something. Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: Coast To Coast AM---George Knapp , WOC AM 1420
|Sunday, September 28th, 2014|
|The Normal, The Paranormal And The WTF
Let's start with the WTF. Well, there are a lot of WTF's but we're only looking at one of them. This particular WTF isn't new or startling, in fact its' entirely ordinary and expected and still, it may be the single biggest WTF in the entire world: People are going to vote for Republicans in the next election and some (Maybe even a lot) of them are going to win. And if you're anything like me, it's not just unbelievable but extremely frightening as well. And you probably spend a lot of time asking, "How can this be? HOW HOW HOW???"
I, of course, can't answer that question. Well, not entirely anyway. But I can shed a little light on it that will help a little by showing you another movie. Be warned, though, as soon as you watch this, Rush (http://www.rushlimbaugh.com/
) is going to start calling you a Low Information Voter. Because you know something now. Something important and dangerous to him:
CEOs Make WAY More Than ANYBODY Thinks
See? Most folks just don't know how bad wage inequality is and therefore have one more stupid reason to keep voting for monsters (Not that the Democrats are much better but we can't worry about that until Conservatism is finally well and truly dead). And the Liberal Drive-By Media seems OK with it. So you'll likely never see this story on the front page of your favorite newspaper or news web site.
Unless you do an intense search for it and/or have the good sense to watch The Young Turks and other similar outlets, you'll never see it at all. It might as well be wearing an invisibility cloak like this one: New York scientists unveil 'invisibility cloak' to rival Harry Potter's (http://news.msn.com/science-technology/new-york-scientists-unveil-invisibility-cloak-to-rival-harry-potters?gt1=51501).
Was that a masterful segue or what? Because the Invisibility Cloak is the Normal segment of today's presentation. This is hardly a new idea and the technology isn't even all that advanced but it is a major leap forward. At present, there are millions of good uses for it but the best part is that it indicates that cloaking will continue to improve and get cheaper until the point where little boys being born right now will be able to sneak into the girls' locker room when they get to junior high with a far less chance of getting caught than ever before.
You might even say they will have the immunity of a ghost. OK, so now I'm just showing off my mad segueing skillz but it's my only vice, so get over it and just dig this, the Paranormal Segment: Police: 'Ghost' caught on surveillance video (http://www.azcentral.com/story/news/weird/2014/09/25/ghost-caught-surveillance-video/16228637/).
This video might turn out to be a fake...It even seems likely that it will but then again, it might be one of the videos that hundreds of experts can find nothing fishy about. Either way, I like it. I don't have any trouble at all believing that ghosts are real. We call the paranormal the paranormal only because we haven't proven that it's real yet.
The minute we do, the paranormal will instantly be the normal. Just as it has been since the dawn of time but it will finally be official. And just one more thing about the cop/ghost video. Even if it is fake, the cop who did it should get Policeman Of The Year because it's awesome he's making fake ghost videos instead of shooting unarmed kids.
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---Richard Syrett , WOC AM 1420
|Saturday, September 27th, 2014|
|Dispatches From The Funny Farm---Mostly Video Clips
I love it when the inmates at the Funny Farm put on a show and this is one of their biggest and best: 'Comic Con Of Bigotry And Hate’ Echoes Insanity Fest Of Years Past (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=azIFKxpRxgA&index=13&list=UU1yBKRuGpC1tSM73A0ZjYjQ).
Yes, friends, that is the Values Voter Summit (http://www.valuesvotersummit.org/). One of the biggest gatherings of one of the biggest bunch of idiots on the planet. It's the Stupidity Olympics and you don't have to wait four years for it (Yeah, I know the Olympics are split up and happen every two years now but I never approved it and I refuse to recognize it), which is a huge plus if you're a big fan of stupidity...Sorry to interrupt but I've just been handed a bulletin. Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you're sitting down for this. Ted Cruz Wins 2014 Values Voter Summit Presidential Straw Poll (Again) (http://talkingpointsmemo.com/livewire/ted-cruz-wins-straw-poll-values-voter-summit-2014?amp). Dr. Ben Carson came in second by getting 20% of the vote, as expected because he's a Negro and therefore must sit at the back of the ticket. That's all I have for now so we'll return you to your regularly scheduled Blog...Are we back? Man, I hate those breaking news interruptions. Now where I was I?
Oh, yeah. If you're a big fan of stupidity, bigotry, hate and the denial of any and all facts, the Values Voter Summit is the place you need to be. Personally, I love it for the same reasons I love the wilder, more way out forms of science fiction, fantasy and horror, because it has no respect for or even recognition of reality.
I could go on and on but it's getting late and I need to get out to dinner. The FRC ACTION PAC RECEPTION starts at 5:30 and I don't want to miss a minute of it. Bobby Jindal is speaking! I know you don't want to miss it either. So meet me at the Congressional Room in a half hour. But, before we go, let's look at two last video clips, the first being a highlight from yesterday in case you missed it and then just a loving tribute to Michele from last year:
Michele Bachmann's Frenzied Bloodlust Delights Values Voters
An Ode To Michele Bachmann & Her Totally Straight Husband
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Red State Update: Episode 40: This Ain't My First Racist Ro
|Friday, September 26th, 2014|
|It's Friday, You Bastards, Special Prayer Breakfast & Religion In Schools Edition
Author's Note: If you're just a nice religious person, please don't read this one. But if you are a Bible and gun clinging Conservative who thinks Rush Is Right and you have a Ted Nugent poster on the ceiling over your bed, please find someone who can help you with the bigger words because I want you to fully enjoy 100% of it.
I noticed in the paper yesterday that the Quad Cities Prayer Breakfast is this Saturday (Quad Cities Prayer Breakfast Sept. 27: http://www.qconline.com/archives/qco/display.php?id=695569
). It doesn't look all that bad considering that if you manage to make it through this year's Featured Conman (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_A._Schuller.
His dad, Robert H. Schuller, is the conman who built the Crystal Cathedral), the dreadful music and all the God drivel, you do get breakfast and I assume it will be at least OK. It might even be very good. The best part, though, is it also has Jim Downing, a Pearl Harbor survivor, to tell what happened to him on that December morning in Hawaii.
I've been to Pearl Harbor dozens of times and the best part is always when there is a survivor there telling his or her story. If you've never had the opportunity to hear one of them in person, my suggestion is to go the Prayer Breakfast and just bite your tongue through the rest of it because the window of opportunity to see these guys is slamming shut. All the ones who are left are very old and just like they say with real estate, God isn't making any more of them.
Of course, my advice doesn't apply to all of you. Nope. Not at all. I'm only talking to people who can afford the $18 ticket price. Granted, that's not a lot of money but it serves its' purpose in keeping the wrong people out. Who are the wrong people? You know, the people who can't afford $18. And a whole lot of them are usually Black or Hispanic, too. And penniless single mothers of all colors. For them, $18 might as well be $18 million.
Thank God for poverty! What would Jesus say if we allowed poor people to come to a Prayer Breakfast? You remember what He said about the poor. They're only poor because they're lazy and shiftless! Undeserving! They owe US everything! They should be scorned and discriminated against cause we owe them nothing and it is their fault they have no money! Oh, hold on, wait a minute, Jesus never said that at all. It's people like Robert H. Schuller and all the Conservatives who comment on my Blog who say that---I get them confused with Jesus all the time. But I'm sure Jesus would have said all those things! You know, he had a lot of things to say and only 33 years so He left a lot of it out that we just have to guess at.
And all those things He SUPPOSEDLY said about the poor? Well, I think we can safely write that off to uppity agitators like MLK and Al Sharpton rewriting history. Remember, they said slaves were unhappy, too! So rest assured that on Judgement Day, we'll be able to look our Savior square in the eye and say, "Howdy, Jesus! Y'all look more Jewish than I thought you would. But that's OK! I guess. And as for my Judgement, well, my whole life, I done everything I could to demean, humiliate and otherwise harass poor people, homos and oddballs, especially the ones that ain't white, just like You said to do. Now where's that all you can eat roast beef buffet I've heard so much about? They say it's even better than the one at the Golden Nugget and I sure wanna find out for myself! Say, if You're ever in the neighborhood, stop by sometime, come in the servants entrance so the neighbors don't get the wrong idea and maybe we'll play golf. There must be a country club up here that takes your kind. Now where'd you say that buffet is?"
OK, OK, I've had my fun. I don't know why I enjoy making Conservative's heads explode like that but I do and it's my only vice so I think it's OK. Oh, let me explode just one more Conservative's head. By renewing my plea for someone to build an abortion clinic across the street from Jim's (http://www.woc1420.com/onair/jim-fisher-1936/
) house. And if he moves, which is about 100% certain he will, build one across the street from that house, too.
Alright, I'm done picking on Conservatives now...Right after I remind them that if there really is a God and He is really on their side, I would have been struck down at least 40 years ago. OK, I'm done for real this time. And not a moment too soon because I want to talk about something else I saw in yesterday's paper, a Letter To The Editor about putting religion back in schools.
The lady who wrote the letter just called for allowing kids to pray in their free time at school and I want to go one better than that. I want Christianity taught as a regular course. The exact same way they teach all the other religions. By calling it mythology. Actually, I don't know if they still do it or not but when I was a kid we had Greek Mythology, Roman Mythology, Norse Mythology, Native American Mythology, etc etc etc in grade school and I think it's way past time to teach Christian Mythology.
Did I make even more Conservative heads explode? Ooops. It was an accident. Honest. I didn't mean it. And I'm being 100% sincere. Christian Mythology is important because it still runs our entire culture and kids need to know it. So why don't we do it? Come on, Conservatives, it would be your biggest dream come true. Except for calling it mythology. But isn't your faith and the word of God strong enough to stand up to a man-made label?
Look, if I'm right, kids are going to see all religion for what it really is, a joke. But if you're right about it all being real, it's just going to drive them all right into church. You know, the same way I and everyone else my age worships Zeus because we learned all about him in the fifth grade. That's the wager. Are you ready to put your money where your mouth is? And it's not even all that much money cause look what you've done to teachers' pay. Come on, Conservatives, this is your big chance to prove you aren't ALWAYS afraid of your own shadow being brave for once and that you really do believe what you say you believe. Don't blow it. Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
|It's Friday, You Bastards
Kansas Gov. Sam Brownback has been criticized in recent months for the apparent failure of his red-state “experiment,” a series of massive tax and spending cuts that has resulted in an estimated $300 million revenue shortfall. As the state attempts to cope with economic decline — and as Brownback fights to win reelection — Kansas officials have authorized a creative (and poorly timed) event to raise money: a sex toy auction.
~~~Kansas to host a massive sex toy auction in the face of ongoing budget crisis
Will all or even one of you Conservatives out there please explain why you keep telling me that you get good results? How can you say you know how to govern? And why do you keep voting for Republicans? The evidence is so clear. And this is just one small example. Sam Brownback, like all your politicians, is just a whore who gives everything to the rich and sticks the tax payers with the bill. A $300 million bill in his case. Where's all this fiscal responsibility you keep talking about? Can you imagine the damage a real monster like Mitt Romney would have done had he been elected?
Don't take this the wrong way, Conservatives, but you are stupid. Dumb as a bag of rocks. If you were smart, people like Sam would never be elected to anything. The real funny part is he'll probably win again. By convincing you that his obvious failures are successes. How can Paul Davis compete with that?
But at least the people of Kansas have a chance to pick up a lot of sex toys at bargain prices. I guess that makes it worth going into debt and having your economy killed. It's a lot more than the people of Wisconsin or any other Red State Experiment Failure (And they are all failures) is going to get. Up to and including the grand poster child of all Red State Failures, Mississippi.
Speaking of failures, I don't know why I keep asking Conservatives for answers. Last night, I was doing some more reading, mostly on Blogster and I ran across a post I wanted to comment on. The guy was talking about marriage and a proposal to legalize incest in Germany and of course he used that as a launching pad to explain how Gay Marriage was opening the door to everything from sex with kids to sex with animals. And all that led him, of course, to the conclusion that it's making God angry because Jesus said marriage is one man, one woman.
And I wanted to ask him why there's so much incest, polygamy and underage sex in the Bible that's directly endorsed by God. Not to mention rape. I also wanted to point out that Jesus never said anything about marriage being just for one man and one woman. But I couldn't, because the post was set to Friends Only Comments. So this guy can add weak, cowardly and insecure to his resume. They'll look nice sitting next to Stupid. In the delusional fairy tale he calls the real world, Sam Brownback along with tons of other incompetent Republicans will get reelected and we'll all live happily ever after.
Why am I bothering with all this on Friday, when everyone just wants to get drunk and forget reality for at least one day? I don't know. The only answer I can give you is that I had to get the Kansas Failure off my chest. Plus, I thought it was really funny that Kansas is having a sex toy auction...But then I went in the other direction and didn't even focus on it.
I suppose you can say that's ample evidence that I've already been over-served and I should be cut off right now and you have a pretty good case. But I have a better one. One based on the ancient legal principle of My Party, My Rules. I am issuing an Executive Order that exempts me from the over-served rule. It's good to be the King.
Cheer up. Someday, when you grow up, you can get elected King and have your own castle and then you can make whatever Party Rules you want and then you can cut me off if you want. By that time I will have already been dead for a very long time but you shouldn't let that diminish your sense of accomplishment. Think positive! Be the change you want to see in the world! Even when change has no chance of arriving in time to do you any good!
Wow. You look like you could use a drink. So let's take a look at the Theme Drink Fifi, my Sommelier, cooked up for tonight:
3/4 oz Gin
3/4 oz Vodka
1/2 oz Lime juice
Fill with 7-Up
Mix ingredients over ice.
That, of course, is in honor of Sam Brownback because I'm sure, any day now, the Liberal Drive-By Media is going to dub him Governor Dildo. It's even catchier than Governor Vaginal Probe (Governor Vaginal Probe: With This Shaming Wand, I Thee Rape: http://www.commondreams.org/further/2012/03/13/governor-vaginal-probe-shaming-wand-i-thee-rape
Don't get me wrong, I completely empathize with their fascination with vagina's...Which is doubly amazing when you consider that nearly all Conservatives are Gay...I just find the way they express it most of the time to be offensive. Sam's sex toy sale to get him out of the debt he created is fine...In a funny way...but Bob's mandatory probes are not. I know it's a fine line given that probing is awesome, too, but it's still a line because the probing has to be consensual and the that's the part Conservatives just don't get.
With that in mind, let's start tonight's Featured Party Game: Binders Full Of Girls Demonstrating All Those Toys Kansas Is Selling. They aren't the SAME toys you can buy from Sam, they're just duplicates. You know, Kansas could make a lot more money if they sold the toys after girls were done demonstrating them but they won't do that. It's more of that good business sense the Conservatives are always bragging about. Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
|Thursday, September 25th, 2014|
|Scam Of The Week
I regret to report that the biggest scam of the week came from the Clinton Global Initiative: Soda Giants Pledge to Reduce Calories in American Diet (http://finance.yahoo.com/news/soda-giants-pledge-reduce-calories-123550654.html
). I know that the soda companies are under a lot of pressure from their customers who look at pop as a health issue and they need to do something but this is just more product downsizing (Which just about everyone in the food industry does, usually hiding it, making the package look the same size as it was and then charging the same or even more for it but that's just about impossible to do with soda cans and bottles) with the added twist of the CGI stamp of approval which makes it look like they are doing the consumer a favor by ripping them off.
I suppose if you're dying of diabetes or heart disease, they are kind of doing you a favor by making you pay more for less but still, I don't like it. I also understand that they have to make a profit. I just wish they'd just be honest about it instead of deceptive. And don't forget the real tragedy here. Sooner or later, this is going to affect me. Even though I drink diet soda. Pepsi Max preferably but any of them will do and soon all of them will be coming in smaller sizes, too, at the same price.
Because the diet drinks are just as dangerous as the sugar laden ones are. At least that's what they say these days. So I'll have to drink two or three cans for every one that I used to drink. And Coke thinks they can make it up to me by bringing back Surge (Will Coca-Cola's Relaunch of Surge on Amazon Open Doors?: http://finance.yahoo.com/news/coca-colas-relaunch-surge-amazon-211002701.html
). It is a nice gesture. At least at first glance.
At second glance, you learn that you have to buy it on Amazon and then wait for it to be delivered. So it's only a half good thing at best. What if I run out and I'm thirsty right now? Well, if it wasn't just on Amazon, I'd have to go out to a store, which is still massively unfair and intolerable but it's still better than waiting for a delivery. This will only be good when Amazon replaces its' delivery drones with Transporters and can beam an ice cold can of Surge onto your desk whenever you want them to. I also imagine that Transporter technology will revolutionize the personal ads on BackPage but that's another story for another day.
About the only real good that can come out of this is current Surge deal is if it inspires Mars to bring back my favorite candy bar, Summit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pP4XBb9Mf2g
Just like Surge, it's something they never should have stopped making but since no one ever listens to me, this is the kind of world we have to live in. I only hope that Mars has the good sense and common courtesy to not make me buy them on Amazon.
Now I know a lot of you are saying, "Greg, why are you complaining? We know you have a time machine and can get Surge and Summits whenever you want them. So shut and stop acting like a baby." And that just shows how much you know. It is true, I have a time machine. I was having trouble with it lately but it did finally came out of the shop---it turned out it needed a new Flux Capacitor. So you're right, I do have a time machine BUT I got it back just in time for my perpetual motion machine, which I use to power it, to go on the blink.
So I took it down to Emmett's Fix-It Shop (You IRS agents out there can quit salivating cause that's another completely uncompensated plug) and Emmett says it needs a new Inverse Gravity Disperser and he doesn't have any in stock. He had to order a new one from some company in Saginaw and they're really behind at the moment so it's going to take three weeks to get here.
I can't go three weeks without Surge and Summits! This is going to kill me...Well, yes, technically I could just plug the time machine into an ordinary outlet and power it that way but I'm sure, even if you don't have a time machine yet, you've read somewhere that it takes all the energy in the visible Universe to send one molecule one second back in time.
So what, you ask? So this, that's what! Grab an old envelope or some other piece of paper and do a few quick calculations on it to figure out how much it costs to send a full grown adult several years into the past---And when I go for Summit Bars, it's several decades--- and then back here with a whole time machine full of soda and candy bars. Don't forget to carry the one, there, that's it. Now you see what it would do to my electric bill?
You think I'm made of money? And shut that door. I'm not air conditioning the whole neighborhood! Anyway, that's why it's essential that you...Well, not all of you but all of you who happen to be big shots at Coke and Mars...bring back Surge and Summit! Right now! And make them available in stores cause I don't have time for deliveries! And belay the "Right now" order cause I want it done yesterday. Or else!
Why are you still here? Get to work!
Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
|Wednesday, September 24th, 2014|
Labor is prior to, and independent of, capital. Capital is only the fruit of labor, and could never have existed if labor had not first existed. Labor is the superior of capital, and deserves much the higher consideration.
Another way to put that is, "You didn't build that!" And the reason Abe said it then is the same reason people are saying it today. Workers matter. They are infinitely more important than what we jokingly call the "Job Creators." Why is it so hard for so many Americans to grasp such a simple concept as labor being the superior of capital? You would think that centuries of brainwashing propaganda could be undone by simple observation but no. We are still surrounded by people who think that bleeding workers dry by stealing from them and then tossing them aside like garbage is a good thing. That it won't lead to the ruination of everyone and everything (If you think you're rich and that will protect you, think again).
And that isn't even our biggest problem (One thing you can't say about God, if you are of faith, is that He doesn't have a sense of humor). Our biggest problem is the climate. It's caused mostly by the same people who can't understand simple economics because they deny Climate Change, too, but that hardly matters. What matters is that we need to do something about it and it's like trying to jog through chest deep water.
People are trying. The latest one to make a big statement is Leonardo DiCaprio: Leonardo DiCaprio Asks Everyone In The World To Stop Pretending Like Facts Don't Exist (http://www.upworthy.com/leonardo-dicaprio-asks-everyone-in-the-world-to-stop-pretending-like-facts-dont-exist?c=upw1
). But they aren't getting very far and if this next election goes badly, we could very well finally be doomed.
Even if the election goes well, we could be doomed. But in the latter case, at least we would try to do something about it before we all get killed. And who knows? I may be too pessimistic. We might be able to do enough to insure the survival of the human race. Billions of us will die (And not in some far off distant future. It'll probably happen in my lifetime), that much is pretty much certain but the race might survive.
For better or worse. Again, I might be too pessimistic. After a shake-up like that, the remaining people just might make good choices and do civilization right for a change. Before I risk depressing you, I want to end this one by shifting gears and showing you something that does nothing to increase your long term survival prospects but it will make you feel a little better about the world right now: 'I'm gay. Get over it,' Pennsylvania senator casually comes out (http://www.cnn.com/2014/09/24/us/pennsylvania-lawmaker-comes-out/index.html?hpt=hp_t2
). Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
|Tuesday, September 23rd, 2014|
|It's The Autumnal Equinox, You Bastards
Happy Equal Night! Or Happy Aequus Nox, if prefer the original Latin, or even Happy Equinox if you want to modernize it. Be warned, though, that like most promises made here, it's false. The day and night won't be equal today but they will be within about six minutes of each other and that's pretty good. If we could get politicians to keep promises that well, we'd be in pretty good shape.
Speaking of politicians, I want to congratulate all my hard working, dedicated Republican friends in Congress for not falling into the "Practice What You Preach" trap. They are are as lazy, worthless and no account as ever. They are celebrating Aequus Nox by going on ANOTHER huge vacation, Congress About To Take A RIDICULOUSLY Long Vacation (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nKWkJ2-lgcY&list=UU1yBKRuGpC1tSM73A0ZjYjQ).
On a very related note to all you people who keep voting for Republicans: This a prime example of we don't let you go to the county fair by yourself, Jethro. You're the most gullible bumpkin that ever fell off a turnip truck and the conmen would eat you alive, the same way the Republicans do. And if we had any common sense, we wouldn't let you vote, either.
I wish I had a nickel for every time every one of you Conservatives proved just how irresponsible and dumb you are cause I wouldn't need this lousy job but life just doesn't work that way. And there's nothing I can do about it. All I can do is make the most of what the good Lord gives me by rubbing your nose in things like this: Google pulls out of conservative political group over climate change (http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/the-switch/wp/2014/09/22/google-were-parting-with-the-climate-change-skeptics-at-alec/).
That one isn't especially good cause you're just gonna say that Google is just another Liberal company that never was really Conservative in the first place. But don't you worry none. Tomorrow or the next day or the day after that, God is gonna give me another really good one. A brand new one that will be every bit as good as this one was: Reagan, Nixon, and Bush Officials Push Congress to Act on Global Warming (http://www.nationaljournal.com/energy/reagan-nixon-and-bush-officials-push-congress-to-act-on-global-warming-20140618).
And what do we do in the meantime? Well, the good Lord took care of that, too: "Then God said, "I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food." But since we aren't in Washington or Colorado and that makes plant use risky, we'll help God help us by helping ourselves to the next best thing, booze.
Now to be fair and balanced, I have to tell you that Fifi, my Sommelier, doesn't agree. She says we don't need pot. And she insists she doesn't say that just because it's threatening her job (I told her that if everyone quits drinking, I'm going to transfer her to the Lingerie Modeling Department). So there you go, you now have an honest dissenting opinion with no ulterior motives to duly consider.
But let's forget politics for the moment and just get this party started by letting Fifi present this, the Theme Drink she invented for today:
First Day Of Fall
2 parts Dry Vermouth
1 part Brandy
1 dash Sherry
1 dash Rose's sweetened lime juice
Pour vermouth and brandy into glass, add lime and fill with orange juice, and stir. Splash brandy on top, and serve with straw.
Now let's get right to the entertainment, tonight's Featured Party Game: Binders Full Of Girls Celebrating Mabon By Removing Exactly Half Their Clothes. The Betting Window is Open today if you care to wager on which half each of them will remove. Ladies and gentlemen, place your bets!
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---George Noory, WOC AM 1420
|Monday, September 22nd, 2014|
|Just A Few Random Unfocused Questions For Conservatives
[In France in the 13th and 14th centuries], the gap between rich and poor was growing dangerously wide, creating a tension that was ready to erupt at any moment in violent revolt. In northern France it led to the uprising known as the 'Jacquerie', after the habit of nicknaming any French peasant 'Jacques' from the padded surplices known as jacques which they tended to wear...
"Rebellion finally erupted in 1358 in a series of horrifically violent and bloody revolts. A contemporary account -- The Chronicles of Jean le Bel -- describes the full horror of the events of that year:
[The peasants] killed a knight, put him on a spit, and roasted him with his wife and children looking on. After ten or twelve of them raped the lady, they wished to force feed them the roasted flesh of their father and husband and made them then die by a miserable death.
~~~From A Short History of Europe by Gordon Kerr~~~http://www.amazon.com/Short-History-Europe-Charlemagne-Treaty/dp/1842433466
"...the gap between rich and poor was growing dangerously wide..." Does that sound familiar? Like maybe you've just seen it on CNN or read it in the paper? More importantly, are starting to think that it might be a problem? That maybe the year 1358 might be planning a return engagement? Are you even more worried that 1358 isn't even the main attraction? That 1789, the actual start of the French Revolution, is the real headliner?
If you're not concerned about all that, I don't understand why. And at the same time, I do understand. Maybe you think that if history does indeed repeat itself, 300+ years is plenty of time for you to live out your life, which you'll probably do because the odds of you being one of the Knights being killed before everyone starts getting killed and then being roasted and fed to your family are very low and who cares about future generations? Why would you care about them when you don't even care about living people now? It just wouldn't make sense.
And sense is what you're all about. And not just any sense. COMMON SENSE is your God. You preach about it all the time. But what if it fails you this time? What if things speed up this time? What if it takes only 3 months instead of 300 years? Are going to quietly go to your grave with your head held high, softly repeating the Lord's Prayer interspersed with comforting refrains of, "Better dead than red?" Or will you have a sudden change of heart along with a whole lot of regrets?
Lately, to get re-in-touch with how the other half live, I've been reading a lot of Conservative blog posts, mostly on Blogster (http://www.blogster.com/
) by ordinary people. What I've seen hasn't surprised me. There were all the usual delusions and outright lies. The poor are lazy, greedy and irresponsible. President Obama is the Devil. We have to give the Senate back to the Republicans or we're all doomed. Etc etc etc. And then there was a really entertaining piece by a "man" in Arizona who spit on a Gay guy (It's things like that that make me wish that Jesus is real because I would love to see Him deal with the spitter on Judgement Day).
Well, I think I've hit my quota of random unfocusedness for today, or at least got in enough of it to give my agent an ulcer, so I'll stop here right after I sum up everything with one more question, "Conservatives, how can you possibly think you aren't going to be treated like that Knight in France was in 1358?" Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
|Sunday, September 21st, 2014|
|This Week's Sermon, Book One
O God, You are my God; early will I seek You; my soul thirsts for You; my flesh longs for You in a dry and thirsty land where there is no water.
I'm quickly running out of these Sundays to spend to with you. Oh, there will always be Sundays and we'll always be here...Even after we die. Because according to the math, there is no past or future, there is only now and that means we are already having the time of our Afterlife. And the time of our life at the same time. That might explain why we're so tired all the time and why Red Bull sells so well...but soon they will no longer be like this. Right after the election, which is just over a month away now, I am contractually obligated to go back to being an Atheist.
Sure, I can still worship with y'all after that every Sunday just like we do now but somehow it won't be the same. That's just a hunch. I'm not claiming to have any eerie powers that allow me to see the future. It's a good thing, too, because if I did, my religious nature would make me feel compelled to turn myself in to the police and confess to being a Warlock and consorting with Demons. That would be bad because I don't want to go live in a for profit private prison. It would be further complicated because my contract with Satan has a confidentiality clause that prohibits me from saying it exists, so I'd get sued by everyone.
Don't freak out. I didn't sell my soul or anything. I just run a tiny portion of the gambling and prostitution concessions in the Seventh Ring of Hell. They call it the American Express Galleria, Hades now but I hate those corporate naming deals so I still call it the Seventh Ring. It's not much of a contract but it does pay some of the bills so I'm not complaining and I don't want to lose it. That's why I thank God for giving me zero psychic ability.
Of course, if God would give me awesome psychic powers after I become an Atheist again, I'd be eternally grateful. You wouldn't believe how much it sucks to not see the future and never know what anyone is thinking until you talk to them and then half the time they won't tell you what you want to know. Just imagine picking lotto numbers and not knowing if they are going to win or not while at the same time wondering if the girl behind the counter wants to sleep with you. You know she wants to sleep with someone because the Body English experts say the way she's playing with her hair means she's really turned on and ready to go. But maybe it's the girl in line behind you that's turning her on. But if that's the case, would she be up for a three-some? The only way for someone like me to find out is to ask. Yes, ESP would make life much easier. And far less embarrassing. That's my life in nutshell but you didn't come here to hear about my troubles.
You came here for...Um, why are you here? Oh, yeah! It's Sunday again and you are here to worship. And I won't be a Christian for much longer so we have to make the most of it. So why don't we get things rolling by announcing the Preacher Of The Week, Pat Robertson: Sensationally Dim Jesus-Grifter Pat Robertson Slams 'Little Jewish Radical' (http://www.dailykos.com/story/2014/09/19/1330834/-Sensationally-Dim-Jesus-Grifter-Pat-Robertson-Slams-Little-Jewish-Radical?detail=email2#
I really think that Pat is God's way of saying, "Go ahead and listen to Dave when he talks about being thirsty in the Desert of Judah but use a little common sense, too. If you do happen to find some water, test it before you drink it because a lot of it is poison." I don't know why God couldn't just say that instead of allowing people like Pat to steal from them in His name but mine is not to reason why. And even if it was mine, we wouldn't have time for it.
((To Be Continued---Well, maybe if I ever come up with an ending)) Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: Coast To Coast AM---George Knapp , WOC AM 1420
|Saturday, September 20th, 2014|
|NO Means What?
Scotland has said NO (What Scotland's 'No' vote means for David Cameron: http://www.cnn.com/2014/09/19/world/europe/scotland-no-vote-cameron/index.html?hpt=hp_t2
) or, as Rush would put it, they said YES: Rush Limbaugh: Hey Fellas! Sometimes 'No' Means 'Yes' If You Can "Spot It" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LyiAHc-xFRg&list=UU-3jIAlnQmbbVMV6gR7K8aQ).
And for probably the first time ever, things would be better if he were right instead of wrong and in this case, he was both at the same time. Oh, if you think I'm twisting and stretching metaphors beyond their natural boundaries here, you ain't seen nothing yet. Think for a minute about how badly Scotland is being screwed. And by what means. They got that way by saying NO. Which was really YES. To being screwed. The end result is what Rush and his ilk wanted all along and they got it. By making NO mean YES. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'm not the one who's distorting reality this time. I am innocent. I didn't fold, spindle or mutilate. Reality was this way when I got here! If the world was already inverted, backwards and otherwise twisted you must acquit!
OK, OK, I get it. That's a classic example of why I never even bothered going to law school and why Johnny Cochran was so expensive. But I won this case, didn't I? Yes, I did. Could Johnny have won it? Maybe, maybe not. The only thing we know for sure is that I could and I did. The other thing we know for sure is that Johnny would have made the jury swinging winning zinger rhyme but since trials are Pass/Fail, the extra points he would have gotten for it mean nothing. You would think someone with your chronic legal troubles would be congratulating me instead of insulting me in the hopes that I might take your next case. Juries simply aren't prepared for my fresh approach to defense that's untainted by education, training, skill, ability and experience and that makes me exactly the kind of mouthpiece you need. I play juries the same way Liberace plays the piano. Only without the expensive candelabra and wild clothes, which is how I keep my fees low. But don't listen to me. You obviously can't handle the truth, which is that I'm a winner. You're out of order but go ahead and do whatever you want. And to show there's no hard feelings, I'll bring you cigarettes every visiting day after your next conviction.
But right now, while you're still free, I want to give you a little good news, How Much Longer Will Rush Limbaugh Poison America? (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PYyaL2LkqE8&list=UU-3jIAlnQmbbVMV6gR7K8aQ)
I know, I know, this is just like Cold Fusion and Flying Cars in that the experts keep saying that they are only 20 years away and they've been saying it every year since 1912. And we STILL don't have flying cars! Only in Rush's case, the prediction is usually from 2 to 5 years (Coincidentally enough, that's a spread you have a lot of experience with but just keep hiring lawyers with fancy store bought degrees instead of me cause I'm sure it'll start paying off for you any day now) and they've only been saying it since 1994 but all in all, it's exactly the same thing.
But I am confident that in Rush's case, those 2-5 predictions have to come true sometime soon. Come on, he's getting beat by college radio stations for God's sake, Limbaugh Beat By College Radio In Ratings (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nXkRm7RKDz8).
Yeah, I know, I've showed that video before but I can't help it. It's like the video equivalent of potato chips or popcorn. I have to keep showing it over and over. And wouldn't it be just like the Koch Brothers to cut off Rush's welfare right after the election? Just in time for Christmas. It'll be the one and only time we'll ever get a Christmas present from Dave and Chuck and of course, they won't be doing it for us. They'll do it that way to ruin Rush's Christmas and our happiness will be completely incidental. But it will be a nice gesture anyway.
OK, that's all I have for this one. Why don't you go pack your toothbrush so you'll be ready for your next trial.
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Red State Update: Episode 40: This Ain't My First Racist Ro
|Friday, September 19th, 2014|
|It's Friday, You Bastards
The Conservatives are (Again) tying themselves into knots defending domestic abuse, up to and including child abuse. I don't have to give you any examples but I'll give you a couple anyway: Rush Responds To NFL's Domestic Violence Controversy: "If We Keep Chickifying This Game We're Going To Ruin It" (http://mediamatters.org/video/2014/09/12/rush-responds-to-nfls-domestic-violence-controv/200742
) & Kansas Bill Would Allow Spanking Children To Point Of Bruising (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/18/kansas-spanking-bill_n_4809174.html
). Because I want to make sure I have a really sound foundation for today's question: How are they going to react to this, Iran's 'Happy' dancers sentenced to 91 lashes, jail (http://www.foxnews.com/world/2014/09/18/iran-happy-dancers-sentenced-to-1-lashes-jail/
My guess is that they are going to condemn it. Even though it is their biggest wet-dream. These anti-government, liberty loving people would like nothing better than to live in a world where the state can beat, jail or even kill anyone who isn't old, rich, white and 100% obedient to the Christian Bible. They try for it all the time but they are mostly only successful when it comes to kids, that's why I included the story from Kansas. But they can't say it's good in Iran because they aren't Christian.
There was even more unneeded evidence (It is unneeded because who these people are and what they want is already abundantly clear) from Glenn (http://www.glennbeck.com/
) this morning which I'll tell you about just because it's so funny. Glenn and his usual gang of idiots (http://www.video.theblaze.com/shows/index.jsp?content=pat_and_stu
) were talking about the election in Scotland (Scots decide future amid excitement, apprehension) and they were horrified to learn that 16 year olds there can vote.
HORRIFIED! They went on and on about what an outrage that is. They said the voting age should be raised. One of them proposed 70 as the legal voting age. That was pure pandering because Glenn's average listener is 71. But it was also the truth, it is what these people want. They also said that only property owners should be allowed to vote. And what they really meant by that is they only want rich old white men to vote. Everyone else can just work themselves to death to support those lazy old men when they aren't busy being beaten, jailed and/or killed for violating various Biblical laws.
Of course, their premise, just like all their premises, is a total lie. Work hard and you'll be rewarded. They cling to that like you wouldn't believe even though there is no truth in it. They have sucked all the dignity and incentive out of work but they keep telling the fairy tale. Dennis (http://www.dennismillerradio.com/
) was on the Tonight Show one time, arguing politics with Jay (http://www.biography.com/people/jay-leno-9542191
) and at one point, he said, "Jay, you're the hardest working guy I know (Dennis got that part right. No one works harder than Jay Leno. I remember when reporters used to call him Robo Comic because he never stops working). Why can't you see how stupid it is to support people who don't want to work?"
Jay responded by saying that that there are plenty of people who work just as hard as he does and it didn't matter because they were getting nothing out of it and that the problem needs to be fixed. He also pointed out that there is one job for every three people who need one even though corporate profits are setting new records every day. I don't remember exactly how he phrased it but Dennis' response was, "SHUT UP!!! DON'T TELL THEM THE TRUTH!!!!!! ARE YOU TRYING TO RUIN EVERYTHING???????"
Do you want to see another crystal clear example of how lazy people like Dennis are ripping everyone else off? Take it away, Cenk: When Your Workers Want Rights Just Pay Off A Politician (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jxF_u0q9yPw&list=UU1yBKRuGpC1tSM73A0ZjYjQ).
This really good timing, because it's Friday again and that means I can offer you a drink. And after watching a video like that, who doesn't need a drink? OK, then, let's get tonight's party started with this, the Theme Drink that Fifi, my Sommelier, invented for tonight:
1/4 cup Rum
1/2 cup Fresca
Add Rum, Fresca, and 1 or 2 ice cubes.
To further make you forget, for a little while anyway, how Welfare Queens like Dennis Miller are stealing from you every minute of every day, let's start tonight's Featured Party Game: Binders Full Of Girls Doing Things That Would Get Them Whipped In Iran And Kansas If The Conservatives Get Their Way And That Law Is Extended To Include Adults.
But before that, I want to show you another video about a bunch of no good kids who should be sent to spend a week with Adrian Peterson (Vikings' Adrian Peterson indicted on child abuse charges: http://article.wn.com/view/2014/09/13/Vikings_Adrian_Peterson_indicted_on_child_abuse_charges_z/) cause he would know how to straighten them out: H.S. Students Plot Protest To Fight Strict Dress Code (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YaHNElC4DgI).
In closing, I would just like to humbly suggest that Ana do a whole video or maybe even a whole series of videos demonstrating the full range of acceptable and unacceptable shorts. Because I think it would be very educational.
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---George Noory, WOC AM 1420
|Thursday, September 18th, 2014|
|How to Pray When You're Pissed at God: Or Anyone Else for That Matter
The other day when I mentioned Ian Punnett (http://www.blogster.com/xander6464/this-weeks-sermon-1
), I totally forgot to plug his latest book so I want to correct that now: How to Pray When You're Pissed at God: Or Anyone Else for That Matter (http://www.amazon.com/How-Pray-When-Youre-Pissed/dp/0307986039
). I haven't read it due to financial problems caused by The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy That's Out To Get Me that I already told you about (http://www.blogster.com/xander6464/netropolitan
I'm sure, though, that you will enjoy How to Pray When You're Pissed at God: Or Anyone Else for That Matter. I know that raises some yellow flags among the hardcore cynical people out there. The kind of people who are always asking dumb questions like, "Why should I trust a book review from a guy who hasn't read the book?" And then they oftentimes turn around and ask an even dumber question like, "And even if he did read it someday and wrote another review why should I trust it? Because it's a book of faith and he is an Atheist. Oh, he says he's suspended his Atheism until after the election because we need all the help we can get, even the imaginary kind but how do I know that's true? People can say anything and for all I know, he disbelieves now just as much as he ever did."
To them, I respectfully say, "Heathen! Judge not lest ye be judged! For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again!" So sayeth me! So relax. I read almost every book and watch almost every movie and TV show and listen to almost every record I review but sometimes, in rare cases, I don't. And it doesn't matter because I didn't get to be The World's Best Reviewer by being bad at it.
So go out and buy How to Pray When You're Pissed at God: Or Anyone Else for That Matter because I say it's good. Before my homeboy, God, busts a cap of lightning on your ass. And then you'll have to walk everywhere because to God, your ass is your donkey. And consider yourself lucky that God doesn't keep up with current urban slang because if He did, you'd be in real trouble. They don't make a Preparation H (http://www.preparationh.com/
) strong enough to fix a lightening strike there.
In other words, ye of little faith, repent now before it's too late. Remember, if you force God to kill your donkey by being disobedient, you're not just going to Hell. You're gonna be in big trouble with PETA (http://www.peta.org/
) for all eternity, too. You don't want that.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I'm going to go review the last season of True Blood (http://www.hbo.com/true-blood
) which I quit watching after the first season because Sookie (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sookie_Stackhouse
)...Who I never stopped loving even though her show became unwatchably stupid and stupid goes to a whole new level when showing Sookie naked can't cure it...deserves a big send off from me. Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: Red State Update: Episode 40: This Ain't My First Racist Ro