Greg's Blurty
 
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Greg's Blurty:

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    Thursday, December 4th, 2008
    12:22 pm
    I Love A Clean Smooth Taste And A Nice Round Finish
    Have you ever wondered how you, just an useless ordinary everyday run of the mill drunken slob of a bum can help save the world and get drunk at the same time?

    I wonder that all the time. Especially at this time of the year. Not that I'm an useless ordinary everyday run of the mill drunken slob of a bum. Far from it, in fact. But that is how Suzette, my Chef De Cuisine and Chief Executive Vice President In Charge Of Domestic Bliss describes me. She says lots of other untrue things about me, too, but since this is a family friendly blog, I can't print them here.

    It's just as well, because she's senile and it wouldn't really be fair to exploit her handicap in a public forum. So let's just say I'm perfectly sane and she couldn't be any more insane if she tried and leave it at that. But enough about me and my problems. This is about you and your drunken efforts to find ways to save the world.

    And that's why you're going to be more glad than usual that you stopped by today. Peep this, y'all:

    Tru Organic Vodka 750ml
    SKU #1037445

    Looking for a vodka that's as good for the planet as it is for your cocktail? Organic. Ecological. Renewable. Handmade. These are the principles of Tru Organic from Modern Spirits. These certified organic spirits are free from chemicals from field to bottle, packaged in recycled, recyclable or biodegradable materials. The company plants a tree for every bottle sold to replenish forests. And, of course, all Tru Organic Spirits are handcrafted, using whole, organic ingredients—not extracts. The Tru Straight is made with 100% certified organic American wheat and tastes clean and smooth with a nice, round finish.

    http://www.klwines.com/detail.asp?sku=1037445&cid=TPV-Googlebase

    I bet you love a clean smooth taste and a nice round finish as much as I do...it might even relax me enough to have a shot of vodka afterwards...and all the chemical free, tree planting and organic things are just a nice big bonus. How can you say no to that?

    Well, you might if you're like me and you only drink beer. For the most part. But then, you would just be giving your critics the opportunity to add selfish to all the other untrue things they are saying about you. So, you should do what I did.

    You should tell Fifi, your Sommelier, to get tons of this stuff, so that all your guests who do like vodka (They're all communists, you know, but it's Christmas, so put the political differences aside) can drink all they want and help the world at the same time. It'll make you feel really good, because that's the magic of giving---the giver gets much more out of it than the givee.

    Even if it makes the givee so uninhibited that she takes off all her clothes and embarrasses you by displaying her shameless carnal inner self, because that's a small price to pay to make others happy and isn't that what is Christmas is all about?

    So get a bunch of Tru Organic Vodka and spread the joy. Oh, Suzette wants me to tell you to write a letter to Heineken and tell them to plant a tree every time I drink a bottle of beer and within a week, Earth will be covered with trees and we'll have to colonize all the other planets just to have room for all the excess forests. Yeah, I know, and right after the holidays I'm going to find a nice home to put her in.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM----Wednesday December 3rd, 2008
    Wednesday, December 3rd, 2008
    4:05 pm
    THIS IS AN OPEN INVITATION! DON'T DELAY! ACT NOW!!!!
    At the risk of angering those of you who hate to have anything ruined, I'm going to tell you, right now, before today's edition of Today's Random Coast Notes hits the stands that this morning's show gets a perfect ten stars.

    And if you are angered by that, well, look at it this way: Knowing the outcome of a movie, book, play, TV Show, today's edition of Today's Random Coast Notes or whatever, in advance isn't the end of the world. Take a look at yourself in the mirror right now. Take your temperature and your pulse. Is anything out of the ordinary? Are you dying?

    No! You are perfectly fine, except for the fact that you're acting like a baby just because you know something a little sooner than you otherwise would have. And if I were the judgmental, holier than thou type, it would give me a perfect opportunity to say, "Grow up. Start acting your age and stop acting like an idiot."

    Aren't you glad I'm not like that? Aren't you glad that I'm just the kind who will only remind you that this is a learning experience and a chance to grow and be better? And aren't you also glad that I'm not going to tell you what the ending of the movie you're going to see tonight is? Or what Dagwood and Dilbert are going to say two weeks from tomorrow?

    Because I could easily do that, you know. I could tell you everything else you don't want to know as well, like the final score of every World Series and Super Bowl for the next 50 years (And that would teach you gamblers a lesson about how little money really means), right here and now but I won't. Because I know that overloading you with growth and learning experiences might prove taxing on all of us and I think you've had enough learning and growing for one night.

    And I know that's not good enough for some of you because you still feel a small minded, immature need to shoot the messenger but that's OK, too. In fact, I'm offering you a chance to do just that. In a very special way, though. And it doesn't have to be shooting, if shooting isn't what you're into.

    It can be any kind of revenge you want. And I literally mean any kind. And you don't have to worry about laws...either the man made kind (Those against torture, murder, etc) or the God made kind (Such as the law of gravity) because I'm inviting you to do it in my dreams. If you listened to this morning's Coast, you heard Robert Moss say that Dream Sharing is possible and from what little I've been able to experience over the last 44 (Soon to be 45) years, I am firmly convinced that it is possible, too.

    I've just never shared a dream with anyone so far. Not at least that I know of. I want that to change. Tonight. So I'm offering you the chance to come into my dreams whenever you want and do whatever you want while you're there. All I ask is that you tell me that you did it, so I know that it really happened and it wasn't just all me.

    This isn't a new desire, either. It's something that I've always wanted. That's why, every time I talk about a dream here, I always leave out some details, the same way the police do when they release crime scene information, so just in case someone else was really there, too, they can prove it.

    Of course, some people say this is foolish and dangerous of me. That's exactly what the Dreamdudes said last Friday night when they talked about it. Robert Moss, though, seems to be in favor of it...and he made a lot more sense to me in every area than the Dreamdudes did...but even he had some reservations about it.

    I say HOGWASH! There is no danger to this at all. Robert said that people who have seriously bad intent could come in and wreak havoc and he said that some people, especially ex's, either unintentionally or intentionally could come in and do a lot of harm, too. You know what I say...besides HOGWASH?

    I say bring it. It's your dream, which is just like your house, and that means your rules. Have fun with it. If it's a rapist/molester type, live out all your wildest vigilante fantasies on him. If it's an ex...well, in my case, if my ex-wife was bothering me in my dreams, I'd put us on a plane. A small plane.

    She's terrified of flying. Really terrified of flying. And the smaller the plane and the longer the flight, the worse it is for her. So I'm thinking London to Sydney (Which I believe is the longest nonstop commercial flight in the world and even if it isn't the longest, it is pretty long) in like an eight passenger Leer Jet during a really bad storm. I think I'd give the plane engine trouble, too. And I'd make the stewardess topless, because that is another thing she wasn't especially fond of.

    I have a feeling that she wouldn't stay long and that she would never try to get into any of my dreams ever again. But what about you? What would I do to you? Well, I don't want you to leave and I want you to come back as often as you can. So I would make it as fun as possible for you. Even if you're there to get revenge on me.

    So I would allow you to have as much fun as possible and that will be effortless if you aren't there for revenge...but I've been trying to set this up for so many years with no results that I have to resort to Psych 101 and entice you people in any and every conceivable way. And if your need for revenge does the trick, then so be it, it is a good thing.

    I know that some of you are asking, "Aren't you afraid? You're inviting people to do God knows what and you're playing with forces you don't understand." My answer is, I know I don't fully understand the forces at work here and that's part of the point. To learn more. But more than that, it will be a blast. And as for truly dangerous, evil people? Well, if any of them who had this ability wanted to do something to me, they'd already be doing it.

    And that leaves the people like you who need an engraved invitation on a silver platter, so you won't feel like you're intruding and butting in, so that's what I'm giving you. Come into my dreams and have fun. Do whatever you want, just tell me about it so I know it was really you. And I'm open to suggestions. We can do whatever you want. Just remember, if you try to get revenge on me, I have a Whoopee Cushion and I know how to use it.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM----Art Bell, WOC AM 1420
    Tuesday, December 2nd, 2008
    5:13 pm
    Because It Sometimes Cures Writer's Block
    Do you like the last person you kissed?

    How many times do I have to tell you? I DID NOT HAVE SEX WITH THAT WOMAN! But, yes, if I had kissed her and then done all the things that kissing usually leads to, I would probably like her. But I didn't and I don't! Why don't you ever just trust me?

    Name someone who has texted you today:

    The Chief. He wants to know what I'm doing about this huge security leak going on here in Rock Island. He needs to get a life and just leave me alone.

    Do you eat healthy?

    I only eat health food. Like Pop Tarts. They're an essential part of a healthy well balanced breakfast. And beer. The ancient Sumerian's called it liquid bread and that's good enough for me.


    What was the last song you listened to?

    Whatever the last bumper song was.

    Have you ever been in a perfect relationship?

    You know, I don't even know why I bother being perfect because girls don't even try.

    Do you and your parents get along?

    Everything is fine. Don't believe what you read in the tabloids.

    Have you ever kissed someone that you weren't dating?

    Why do you have so many trust issues? If I say I didn't kiss her, I didn't.

    Have you cried today?

    Did you see how the market closed today? Who wouldn't cry?

    Have you heard a song that reminds you of anyone today?

    Sort of. I heard I'd Love to Change the World by Ten Years After and it made me think of how great things would be if Suzette wasn't here.


    Do you say sorry first?

    I would if I ever had a reason to apologize for anything.

    Who was the last friend you saw?

    Why would I ever see anyone but you? You should do something about your rampant paranoia. Maybe drugs would help.

    Do you like your first name?

    It bothers me that I wasn't consulted during the decision making process.

    Do you think that you’re a good person?

    I'm beyond good. I'm even beyond perfect. I'm even thinking about quitting my job as a Saint because Heaven doesn't deserve me.

    Are you currently frustrated with your life?

    Just my job and all the non job parts of it, everything else is fine.

    Last person you spoke to on the phone?

    I really can't tell you because since some blabber mouth told the press everything about the Rock Island-Alien connection, they're really clamping down on things like this.

    Do you still talk to the person you last kissed?

    I only kiss and talk to you.

    What color shirt are you wearing?

    I am not wearing a Cloak Of Invisibility! This is a green shirt! You should have your eyes checked!

    Do you have a reason to smile right now?

    This is a trick question, right? Well, you're going to have to be smarter than that to trick me. My official answer is, "When you're here, I can't help but smile!"

    What were you doing at 7am?

    I wasn't finalizing the plan to beam everyone in Bettendorf up to a space station in orbit around Pluto. Yes, I know your aunt lives in Bettendorf and I'm going to miss her, too. Um, I mean I would miss her if she were going anywhere but she isn't. All those space station around Pluto stories are just untrue rumors.

    Is there someone that you believe you will always be attached to?

    You know what? You have a whole lot more in common with J. Edgar Hoover than the fact that you both wear dresses and I think you should get some help for it. You don't have to go through life being paranoid. It can be cured. And I'll be there every step of the way because we'll be attached forever.

    Is there someone you don't ever want to be out of your life?

    Forever is a long time but being with you makes it seem so short.

    What did you last drink?

    Diet Pepsi Max. As far as you know.

    How's your family?

    Another trick question, right?

    Do you believe in forever?

    I guess, since there is no past or present, that only leaves the eternal now and eternity is pretty long, just like forever...um, except with you here, it seems so short.

    What was going through your mind during your last kiss?

    I was thinking about you the whole time! Um, I mean who else would I be thinking about, since I only kiss you?

    Have you ever kissed someone whose name started with a E?

    Does the Fifth Amendment mean anything to you? Not that I would ever have reason to use it, just asking.

    What's the biggest annoyance in your life right now?

    Um, it's not you, that's for sure.

    How many hours did you sleep last night?

    Forty-two, and it's not that I'm not glad to be back here on Earth but I wish you people would dump the 24 hour day.

    Who will your next kiss be?

    There is no one else but you. Not for kissing or anything else.

    Do you think you can love someone without trusting them?

    Aren't love and trust kind of inter-related? I don't see how you can separate them but I know lots of people who try. It's not the only cause of break ups but it is one of the biggest.

    Where did you get your last bruise from?

    Why would I have any bruises?

    Have you ever thought you were going to die?

    No. Well, there was that one time when Goldfinger dropped me into that tank of live sharks. Other than that, no.


    Do you mean anything to the last person you held hands with?

    She says she doesn't care but I know she does.

    Do you know a guy named David?

    Yes, and Letterman is the most annoying of them all all. Hey, Dave! Yes, your show is a barbecue and that's why I never wear a tie!

    Who was the last person to make you laugh?

    It sure wasn't David Letterman. He hasn't been funny since 1982. And he will continue to not be funny till he gets rid of his dress code enforcement goons.

    Would you rather wear jackets or hoodies?

    I'm allergic to hoodies.

    Who last called you babe?

    I know that hot blackjack dealer called me babe but she calls everyone babe. Stop worrying.

    What are you drinking right now?

    Ayahuasca. Shaken, not stirred.

    How do you feel about smoking?

    You can have my cigarette when you pry it from my dead cold hand.

    Do you get along more with girls or guys?

    You're the only girl I get along with!

    Are you mad at someone right now?

    I'm a Saint, I'm not allowed to be mad. But, if I were allowed, I'd be mad at a certain talk show host who thinks that the future well being of the entire world is dependent on me wearing a stupid piece of cloth around my neck. And I'm glad I voted for Jay for the Tonight Show job!

    Why are you single?

    Because Miss Right is playing hard to get. It's all her fault! She acts like I don't even exist.

    So what do you want for your birthday?

    Financing for my London Tunnels Project.

    What are you currently hearing right now?

    This morning's Coast.


    Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?

    Just you. And the playing hard to get thing doesn't bother me at all. I'm just going to do the grownup thing and hold my breath till I turn blue.

    What time did you get up this morning?

    There must be a support group for control freaks. You should join it.

    What was the last thing you purchased?

    It's a surprise. You're gonna love it!

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM----Monday December 1st, 2008
    Thursday, November 27th, 2008
    4:24 pm
    The cat has escaped the bag yet again and I'm not complaining. I'm looking at it philosophically. If you weren't supposed to know that the government of Rock Island, everyone from the dog catcher to the mayor is involved in a massive cover up of UFOs, aliens and abductions and is funding all its' covert operations via small donations from the general public, you wouldn't know it. Even though the mayor denied everything...but you know that's going to change the minute he gets the right book deal. And there's no use crying over spilled milk.

    I'm not even complaining about the way we chose to plug this leak. I can't tell you what it is, of course, but I can tell you that we narrowed all the possible solutions down to three:

    1. We could go back in time and prevent the leaks before they happened.

    2. We could erase the memories of everyone involved and plant alternate memories that wouldn't embarrass anyone.

    3. We could just have some crackpot write a blog about the whole thing to ensure that everyone thinks that the story is just as it appears and not assume the obvious---that there is a massive cover up and that's only the beginning--- and no one will do any digging and find even bigger and more embarrassing things.

    I am going to keep the repair method top secret, just as we agreed to do. I'm not even going to point out that you don't see the Time Travel or Memory Erasure And Replacement squads working today---which, in case you hadn't noticed, because all the parades, football games and grandma pushing turkey and stuffing on you are so easy to miss, is Thanksgiving.

    And once again, it's Philosophy to the rescue, because if I weren't meant to be working today, which is a holiday. Wait. I didn't say that. What I did say is, "If I were working today, which is a holiday, on a project that may or may not exist..." Wait a second. I just got a terse email from the Chief.

    So let me change that to, "I am not working today. I wasn't even here. But if I were here, working on a holiday and not even complaining about it, I would say that the stories you've been seeing are true but you must keep in mind that they are complete. It was a weather balloon....no, wait, I picked up the wrong file. OK, I've got the right one now.

    The panhandlers in the District are just that, panhandlers and nothing more. And if they were working for us, don't you think we would have been smart enough to tell them to not talk to the press? So come on, get real. There is no cover up or conspiracy. There is nothing going on in Rock Island that shouldn't be going on. You can trust the mayor.

    So go ahead and assist the homeless, if you want to, because it feels good and it builds up Karma points. Be on the look out for scams and don't believe any of the stories any of them tell you. So, relax, have some more stuffing and get back to your football game. And, later, order a copy of the official press release...um, I mean the story that the press printed but it would match our story, if we published one but we didn't, we don't even exist, so how could we publish anything?

    Anyway, all the details are here (http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.comment&friendID=56464291&blogID=451749368&ticket=MHMGCisGAQQBgjdYA%2BugZTBjBgorBgEEAYI3WAMBoFUwUwIDAgABAgJmAwICAMAECIM%2BLgfi2zU%2BBBCgieVVycULiOAawm1yCZctBCjJGFq0HKTsxrK2g8H13sODoEhXAS02qqivm86C0A4csJ%2FjgT9hfveN&BlogCategoryID=25&Mytoken=1D9C5CED-3036-4F7F-A2D6D77CE093383952503859
    ) and once you read it, all your questions will have been answered. And save a piece of pie for me. I'll be there right after I get off work...and don't get me started on that.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM----Wednesday November 26th, 2008
    Friday, November 21st, 2008
    4:33 pm
    It's Friday, You Bastards
    It's not exactly a secret that I have the most boring life on Earth but it's probably classified, anyway. That's because I also have the most annoying life on this planet. And it's not just all the secrecy agreements that make it annoying. In fact, that's a pretty small part of it.

    If it were allowable, I'd tell you what happened to me today to illustrate my point. Just in case you had any doubt that I am the most annoyed person in the Multi-Verse. But, of course, I can't, so I won't tell you that I was somehow roped into volunteering to lead the first sample group of the Bettendorfians...we're now officially calling them The Bettendorf Volunteer Explorers, even though they are really more like draftee's because they have no choice but I think that Volunteers sounds better...around their new home, which is a space station orbiting Pluto.

    Even though it's a project for another greeting cards agency that I'm only doing the PR for, or at least that's all I said I'd do but somehow, I ended up going to Pluto today to show these first residents around their new home. So I got there just a few minutes before the first two Volunteers, Ralph and Edna arrived...we beamed them up straight from their little 2400 square foot breakfast nook in their tiny little house just off Tanglefoot at about 8 this morning...and I figured I'd be back here by lunch time at the latest.

    That dream was dashed to dust in the first two minutes, though. And the dusting started when Ralph and Edna realized something strange had happened to them and Ralph said, "What happened? Did we die?"

    Edna answered, "I think it was the Rapture. I don't think that counts as dying."

    "Are you sure, dear?" Ralph answered. "If we're in Heaven, I think we still died. I don't think the cause, which would be Rapturing, in this case, changes the definition. I think we'll still be listed as dead, and that means we died."

    Edna had already started ignoring him. "Why does Heaven look like a Holiday Inn?" She demanded to know. Then she noticed me and said, "Sir? Excuse me, are you God?"

    Then she noticed the cigarette in my hand and pointed at it and shouted, "We are INSIDE!!!! You can't smoke INSIDE!!!!"

    Then she turned toward her husband and said, "You would think that God would know better than to smoke inside!" And then she turned back to me and said, "I am calling the police just as soon as I get everything else straight and maybe a night or two in jail will get that nicotine demon off your back but first, WHY DOES HEAVEN LOOK LIKE A HOLIDAY INN? This will never do! And back on Earth, Holiday Inns, aside from being tacky, allow dark people and we won't be having any of that! Just during the daytime when they do the gardening and housekeeping. So now wave your hands or twitch your nose or whatever it is you do and turn this into a respectable hotel and assure us that we will not be exposed to anyone that we don't approve of or we might as well just go spend eternity in Davenport. And to think I was going to thank you calling us home before one of those dreadful, dangerous people became sworn in as President Of The United States Of America!" She kind of crinkled her nose as if a sewer line had just burst when she said Davenport.

    I blew a cloud of smoke in her direction and said, "Look, lady, first of all, I'm not God...though, it's understandable that you thought I was, because most women make that mistake. I'm just a Saint but right now I'm off duty and I am here just as a tour guide to acquaint you with your new home. And second of all, you are a long way from Iowa and your barbaric smoking laws have no power here." I blew another cloud of smoke into her face and said, "And if I were God, you'd be a pillar of salt right now."

    So that's how my day went. Yes---Surprise---this twenty minute job took all day. And I cleaned up and sanitized the racial slurs in Edna's speech, so the whole experience was much worse than what you're getting here...or what you would be getting if I were allowed to tell you about it.

    Ralph and Edna are settled into their new home and loving it. Well, they don't love it, exactly, but they accept it. And I told Herb that I wasn't being his Greeter/Tour Guide anymore so the rest of the 30,000 odd Bettendorfians will be oriented by someone else when they arrive.

    And speaking of arriving, what do you think I saw when I stopped by the office after spending the day in orbit around Pluto showing pleasant people from Bettendorf around their new home? That's right, Putz. No dead career ever did more walking than his does. Yes, that cocky little wacko still has a job. Not for long but it's plenty long enough.

    At least it's Friday and I'm home now. Out of the cold...have I ever told you how much I hate winter? And I don't know what the theme is or who's here but I know the party is going on, right on schedule because I can hear lots of music and merry making. And Fifi, just handed me one of these:

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Pluto Shot

    Ingredients:

    * 2 oz Scotch
    * 1/2 oz Kirschwasser
    * 1/2 oz Dubonnet Rouge
    * 1/2 oz Amaretto
    * 1 tsp Mint syrup

    Mixing instructions:

    First, pour the scotch in a shot glass, then pour the kirsch and amaretto. Add the Dubonnet rouge very carefully trying not to mix the ingredients. Finally pour the mint. Do not mix. Drink in one shot.


    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    And I may even drink it...even though I usually don't even taste the theme drink because 99% of the time they taste lousy...because that's just the kind of day it's been.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM----Thursday November 20th, 2008
    Wednesday, November 19th, 2008
    4:10 pm
    This Is NOT A Conspiracy!
    Will you conspiracy nuts just chill out already? And the rest of you, just listen up and take notes: I am NOT involved in some big dark evil political cleansing scheme that's designed to rid the Quad Cities of conservatives. There isn't even a big dark evil political cleansing scheme to be involved with. That's all rubbish.

    The only thing I'm doing is trying to get one local conservative Republican radio talk show host sent to Washington to be Secretary Of Labor, Tobacco Taxes And Smoking Laws (Because Barack wants a Republican on his Cabinet and Jim would actually be good at it, NOT because I want to rid the Quad Cities of Republicans). And I assume that in 2016, when we get a new President, he'll retire and return to the Quad Cities. I would hardly call that a political cleansing conspiracy.

    And the only other thing I've done is to arrange to have the entire population of Bettendorf transported to a space station currently orbiting Pluto. And I can understand how some people might think that might have been a little bit politically motivated but it wasn't.

    You might die of boredom from hearing this story but remember that it's the conspiracy nuts who killed you, not me, because I wouldn't have to tell you all this if they hadn't started spreading all these wild untrue rumors about me. And the story is simply this:

    I was having lunch the other day with another greeting cards salesman, let's call him Herb, and he happened to mention this problem he had with this new space station he had just built (He didn't build it himself, he ordered his greeting card agency to build it and OK, he is slightly more than an ordinary greeting cards salesman but he's not big on fancy titles so we all kind of forget that he is more than an ordinary salesman) and put into orbit around Pluto.

    "Everything was going great," Herb said. "We built the damn thing and got it into orbit around Pluto on time and under budget and then the numnuts in D.C. said they wanted it manned by Christmas. And they know that's impossible. The original time table called for 2018 and that I can do. But how the hell am I supposed to abduct that many people by Christmas without attracting negative attention? Why do they give me deadlines they know I can't hit? No one could. It's impossible."

    "How many people do you need?" I asked.

    "32445," Herb said, glumly. And his voice became even more glum when he explained, "And most of them have to speak English. Otherwise I could just go to a third world country and bam! But no. Someone is out to get me and I think they finally did it this time."

    "Relax," I said. "I can solve all your problems with one word, Bettendorf."

    "Bettenwhat?"

    "Bettendorf. It's a little town across the river from me. It's just what you need."

    "Ah, your field office, the Tri Quad Quint Cities, where the Chief sends all the screw ups. Say, is Putz still there? I don't know what you did to get stuck working with him, and I still say that starting World War II isn't enough to merit that so you must have done something worse. But if I had to spend one more minute with that prancing little inept tumor, he would be scrubbing latrines on...well, there isn't a station far enough away, so I guess I'd put him on a one man deep space probe with a mission to find the end of infinity. And I'd send him off by saying, 'You little...."

    Herb lapsed into what you might call some salty but very descriptive and very accurate language at that point, so I'll just skip to the next part. After i explained that we are just called the Quad Cities now, because Quint and Tri just never caught on and that, for the millionth time, I did not start World War II, Herb continued to be concerned that he just couldn't just beam up over 30,000 people from one spot without it being noticed.

    "No one will really miss them," I said. "And I'll handle the PR for you personally. We'll do it the same way we did Roswell. The initial press release will tell the truth, that an entire city disappeared but be vague about everything else and within 8 hours there will be a conflicting release that will keep everyone confused forever and within three days, very few people will believe that anyone disappeared at all. The icing on the cake is that I'll hand it to Richard on a silver platter and he'll be on Coast within six months saying, 'George! These people are now on a space station orbiting Pluto!' So there, you're covered both ways. You didn't lie to anyone, the truth is there and being broadcast to over 15 million people almost nightly and you didn't break any secrecy oaths in any serious way because no one will believe it. And even more people will think Richard is a total nut case."

    "You're still sore about never getting invited to any of his parties, aren't you? Oh, here take a look at this, I got it at Richard's last party." He handed me his cell phone which was displaying a picture of Mick Jagger dancing with Suzette and it was autographed by both of them.

    "I have an 8X10 glossy of that one hanging on my office wall. The next one is even better but I don't know who that kid is. The girls sure seem to like him, though."

    I scrolled to the next picture to see Suzette dancing with Justin Timberlake. I handed the phone back to him and said, "That's enough pictures. I don't know why you keep going to those exercises in dullness. You should come to my parties."

    "Um yeah, your parties. Well, I'll make a mental note of that."

    He then handed me his IPOD and said, "Listen to this. It's from Richard's Fourth Of July Party. It's Jimmy Page, Eric Clapton and Paul McCartney jamming on a tune that John and Paul wrote in 1963 and never got around to recording. Very few people have ever heard it."

    "Well, if you're really starved for entertainment, I guess it's OK," I said.

    There was more but the only important thing is that Jim Fisher is moving to Washington and the people of Bettendorf are moving to Pluto and I'm kind of responsible for both of them but not really and it is not political cleansing! Stop believing the conspiracy wackos. And go ahead and dance with anyone you want. If you think you're making me jealous, you're just wasting your time!

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM----Tuesday November 18th, 2008
    Monday, November 17th, 2008
    3:04 pm
    Quantum Contradictions
    First of all, despite what you might hear, this (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/27766369/) is not my fault. It is true that I have been at Cern a lot over the last few months, doing lots of highly classified but not at all dangerous things, but I have no idea who wired the toaster oven, microwave and wine cooler into the main electrical array causing the big short that's now costing $21 million and several months to fix. You can just rest assured that I had nothing to do with it.

    And you may be wondering why we...um, I mean THEY, the irresponsible person or persons who caused this mess by doing what some are now calling very sloppy wiring, but I'd like to see them be that drunk and do even half as good a job. Um, if they were in fact drunk, which I don't know because I was in Paris at the time innocently (And soberly!) doing, um, just some other classified undercover work that I can't talk about... needed a wine cooler, which is basically just a small refrigerator when the whole thing is cooled down to the temperature of outer space, which is quite cold, in most places.

    The answer is that...and this is hard to believe but it is true...it makes beer too cold. And that's what you should be concentrating on instead of worrying about who did something dumb that's now costing $21 million to fix. That is the very kind of Quantum Contradiction that we built this thing to discover! And I say $21 million is very cheap to find out that beer can be too cold.

    So, if you ever do find out who was responsible for breaking the Collider, give him, or her, it could have been a girl, a medal instead of yelling at him. Or her. And while we're on the subject of Quantum Contradictions and you have all this extra time since you now know that you don't have to hunt down the brave scientist who discovered that beer can be too cold, let's talk about Barack.

    He's talking about putting a Republican on his Cabinet and that struck me as being as strange as beer that's too cold but then I thought about it some more and it doesn't have to not make sense. Bob Hope was a Republican. And I wouldn't mind him being on the Cabinet...it would also give dead people some much needed representation, finally. Oh, I know they're allowed to vote in Chicago but I think we can do more for them.

    But what if Bob won't do it? Well, my next choice is Howard Stern because it would be so nice to be invited to the White House for once to attend a taping of Lesbian Dating Game instead of another boring stuffy state dinner...and what is it with those things that turns everyone into Frank Sinatra? If I hear, "Why aren't you wearing a tie?" one more time, I'm going to scream.

    The problem with Howard, though, is that I want him on the radio, too. I don't want politics to interfere with his radio show, so he's out. So then there's the next logical Republican, Alice Cooper. But I don't want politics to interfere with his music. So what now?

    Well, if you're from the Quad Cities, you don't have to ask, because you know the answer is Jim Fisher (http://www.woc1420.com/pages/JimFisher.html). Jim is a Quantum Republican if there ever was one. He's uniformly 100% wrong about every single issue except when he talks about smoking, cigarette taxes and labor issues (He once publicly called for the public crucifixion of slave labor mongering corporate heads and while I still think it's wrong to kill anyone, except when it's immediate self defense, I still have to say, "Right on!" to that attitude) and he has this great story about the time he fell off a sea wall in Tokyo.

    So I say send him to Washington and put him in charge of Cigarette Taxes, labor laws and Smoking Laws...I'm not sure which cabinet post covers them but I want Jim in charge of it. And what about the radio void that he will leave here in the Quad Cities? Well, I think WOC should start carrying Randi Rhodes in his time slot.

    And then we can all just rejoice in all the Quantum Contradictions and enjoy how they will make our lives richer, fuller and more complete. And we can just chill out and forget about that little $21 million mistake and all that completely innocent classified stuff that I was doing in Paris.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM----Sunday November 16th, 2008
    Tuesday, November 11th, 2008
    3:05 am
    Because It Sometimes Cures Writer's Block
    7 Deadly Sins

    Who did you last get angry with?

    I'm a Saint. We never get angry with anyone, ever, for any reason. Not because we don't want to but because of that stupid No Anger clause in our contracts. If I were contractually free to be angry, though, I'd be plenty angry with the idiots who make up the so called Academy Of Motion Picture Arts And Sciences because you can bet that The Da Vinci Coed won't get Best Picture. You can also bet that Alien Sex Files 3: Aliens Gone Wild won't get any major awards, either.

    It was a very cruel twist of fate that made me both a lover of fine films and a Saint and then put me on a planet where the "Academy" wouldn't know a good movie if it sat on their heads. That's all the anger I would have. Except for Suzette. She called both The Da Vinci Coed and Alien Sex Files 3: Aliens Gone Wild dumb. I tried explaining that a lot of very well meaning but uneducated and way off base critics were wrong when they said they were too derivative of Fellini and that's when she dumped her popcorn on my head. I'd be pretty angry about that if it were allowed.

    What is your weapon of choice?

    How many times do I have to tell you, Senator? I DON'T have an unregistered, unlicensed Benuvian Death Ray!

    Who was the last person who got really angry at you?

    Suzette. But you have to keep in mind that she's senile. And even before she was senile, she was crazy. Sane people know that there's never any reason to be mad at me.

    Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily?

    Some people say that I keep grudges...like those idiots at NBC who say that I still haven't forgiven them for canceling My Mother, The Car, but I ask you, how can something like that be forgiven?

    What is one thing you're suppose to do daily that you haven't?

    I always do everything I'm supposed to do when I'm supposed to do it. Like my daily feature: Today's Random Coast Notes and my weekly Californication Review. Have you ever seen either one of them be late? I could go on and on with tons more examples but I think you get the picture.

    What is the latest you've ever woken up?

    Early to bed, early to rise....blah, blah, blah, you know how it goes and Ben was really talking about me when he said it.

    Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't?

    I'm supposed to call Moscow and tell the Russians that Operation Conquest is only a drill and none of the warheads are armed and I'll get to it later, probably.

    What is the last lame excuse that you made?

    I would answer this one by explaining that only immature, irresponsible people make excuses, lame or otherwise but I can't because my keyboard is on fire.

    Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through?

    Only the Buns Of Steel one. I thought it had a very good message.

    How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock this morning?

    Only lazy, unmotivated people hit the snooze button. I have a robot that hits mine for me.

    What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice?

    Does Jolt qualify as an overpriced yuppie beverage yet?

    Are you a meat eater?

    Yes but only until they figure out how to grow meat without animals and they are getting closer everyday.

    What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event?

    I hate the taste of alcohol. That's why I drink beer.

    Are you comfortable with your drinking and eating habits?

    Yes and you will be, too. Wait right here while I get the whipped cream.

    Do you enjoy candy and sweets?

    Who doesn't?

    Which do you prefer: sweets, salty foods or spicy foods?

    All of the above.

    Have you ever looked at a small house pet or child and thought, "lunch"?

    WTF kind of question is THAT?????!!!----Good answer, Shauna, I'm keeping it.

    How many credit cards do you own?

    About a million and I'm going to keep getting new ones till I finally find one that will buy happiness.

    If you had a million dollars, what would you do with it?

    Tax free? Well, that still wouldn't be much. Not enough to buy the tunnels in London that I need. I still need someone to buy the $36 billion in toxic debt that I have on my books, but I will take your tax free million, just to be nice.

    Would you rather be rich or famous?

    Why can't I have both?

    Would you accept a boring job if it meant that you would make megabucks?

    This is a tough one because I already do the world's most boring job practically for free, so what you're really asking me is whether or not I would accept a huge raise.......hmmm.....OK, I'll take the raise.

    What's one thing that you have done that you're most proud of?

    Let me show you. You're going to love this.

    What's one thing you have done that your parents are most proud of?

    They're kind of crazy, just like Suzette. You should ask about someone who isn't insane.

    What thing would you like to accomplish late in your life?

    My destiny is to become the best Ambassador to Hooters that this country has ever had.

    Do you get annoyed by coming in second place?

    I think you cheat! There's no way you could be this good at strip poker.

    Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors?

    All the time and I wouldn't be the naked one if they didn't cheat!

    Have you ever cheated to get a better score?

    Cheaters never win and winners never cheat....they just get better grades and better jobs and lots more money.

    What did you do today that you're proud of?

    If you'd ever take off your clothes, I'd show you.

    How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies, family, strippers, locker rooms)?

    Why are you so suspicious? As far as I'm concerned, I've never seen anyone naked but you and never will.

    How many people have seen you naked?

    No one but you!

    Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a person of your chosen sex during a normal conversation?

    I would never stare at anyone's chest but yours. Ever! Why don't you trust me?

    What is your favorite body part of a person of your gender choice?

    Why do you always try to make everything about sex? I love that about you!

    Have you ever had sexual encounters (including kissing/making out) with multiple persons?

    I think this would be a good time to exercise my right to remain silent until my lawyer gets here...unless you want to withdraw the question, which you should really do because you should realize that you can trust me.

    Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute?

    Does, "If you have to ask, you can't afford it?" qualify as a proposition?

    What item of your friends would you most want to have for your own?

    I want Stephen King's job because I'm the best writer who ever lived but Steve....that huge egomaniac....says I can't have it because he's the only one who can do it.

    Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with?

    Donald Trump, because it should be me living in that three story penthouse in the Trump Tower.

    If you could be anyone who existed in the world, who would you be?

    Keira Knightley's corset---Does that count?

    Have you ever been cheated on?

    Honey, we may be through, but you'll never hear me complain, 'cause I've got friends in low places. Where the whiskey drowns and the beer chases my blues away.

    Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own?

    I want Keira Knightley's features....not on me, on her but they should be mine.

    What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself?

    Decadence. Why didn't I get any?

    What Deadly Sin...

    Do you do the most often?

    Didn't I tell you I'm a Saint?

    Do you do the least often?

    I never do any of them.

    Is your favorite to act on?

    I suppose I might like to try lust sometime.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM----George Noory, WOC AM1420
    Monday, November 10th, 2008
    6:08 pm
    Finally, The Economic Stimulous Package That Makes Sense
    If you're as angry, frustrated and just plain old fashioned ticked off about the economy, those idiots in Washington who caused the economic meltdown and aren't doing anything about it and the even bigger idiots who wrote and put out that asinine Cupid.com commercial, you know the one, where the disembodied voice of Dumphoria, the patron Goddess of dumbing down and making America even more boring than it already is, says, "Yeah, we know about the book club," as if literacy is now officially a turn off, or at least it is for anyone you might meet on Cupid.com if their advertising can be trusted, as I am, boy have I got good news for you.

    But, first, I have a dare for you, if you're an English Major (Which I am, but there is no way I'd ever take this dare) or just a normal person with an unnatural love of grammar because I just noticed that that first paragraph is just one sentence, so I dare you to diagram it. Go on, it'll be fun. But keep the results to yourself because I believe that all those rules---especially the ones you will undoubtedly tell me that I broke---are really a commie plot to take over the world. And it's fine to be a communist but I'm an American and this is America so keep your unholy, Godless ideas to yourself till you get back to Havana or wherever it is that you people live now.

    And in the meantime, take a look at Capitalism In Action and not just action but very good action. OK, the action part is speculation that I can't prove but I am 100% certain anyway that this is going to make you 70% more irresistible and get you more action than you can handle. It's going to save you money, too. And as we all know, money makes you more attractive, about 30% more (Even though it shouldn't, it does), so, all in all, this is going to make you 100% more desirable.

    And here are the deals that are going to do it:

    Order ``MY LIFE AS A FREAK MAGNET’’ In Advance And Get A FREE BOOK!
    Yup!

    If you order a copy of my upcoming book, MY LIFE AS A FREAK MAGNET in advance you'll get a FREE copy of The Dingo 5! The Dingo is basically like ....Saturday Night Live'' in book form. It's an all humor writing anthology featuring stand-up comics and humorists from across the country, including yours truly!

    I'm also running a special offer for those of you who haven't picked up a copy of EVERY NUMBER IS LUCKY TO SOMEONE yet, or those of you who want to grab an extra copy of it for someone else as a holiday gift!

    Here's the deal, or rather, here are the deals:

    * To order an advance copy of MY LIFE AS A FREAK MAGNET, which includes a FREE copy of The Dingo 5, send a check or money order for $17 ($15 for FREAK MAGNET, $2 for postage) to Sean Leary, c/o The Dispatch, 1720 5th Ave., Moline, IL. 61265. This is my work address (I never give out my home address). DO NOT SEND ANY ORDERS TO MY OLD POST OFFICE BOX. It's been CLOSED as of this month.

    * To order an advance copy of MY LIFE AS A FREAK MAGNET, AND a copy of EVERY NUMBER IS LUCKY TO SOMEONE, which includes a FREE copy of The Dingo 5, send a check or money order for $30 postpaid (FREE postage!) to Sean Leary, c/o The Dispatch, 1720 5th Ave., Moline, IL. 61265.

    Orders will be sent out in late November-early December when I get copies of FREAK MAGNET in stock!

    Thanks!

    Sean

    See? my Number One Favorite Local Writer is not just a great writer. He's also a great economist who should be in Congress, because he knows how to fix the mess our economy has become. And get you more action in the bargain. And that means he could replace Dr. Ruth, too...even though she's really too young to retire.

    Did you do any of the math connected to these deals yet? If you go with the second one, which is the one I'm getting, you get three books for $30 and if my math is correct, that's $10 per book and you can't go wrong with that.

    Plus it makes you look smarter and more attractive than you really are. Personally, I don't need that (And don't let anyone tell you any differently because they're all liars) but I bet you do. And even if you don't, too, you must need extra money because we all do and an escape from the holiday shopping mess at the mall and this does that, too.

    On top of that, you get to laugh a lot, because even if you give them away as Christmas or Hanukkah presents, there is still plenty of time for you to read them first. You can't pass up a deal like that. This might be the biggest Win-Win situation ever.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM----Sunday November 9th, 2008
    Saturday, November 8th, 2008
    3:02 pm
    The Next One I'm Not Going To Write
    This one is a fan fic but wait a minute because, well, because it's only starting its' life as a fan fic and number two, not all fan fics are bad. Sure, most of them are sincere but plodding, inane, largely unreadable attempts to glorify some book, movie, play, band or (Most often) TV show because the writers are usually amateurs with far more love of the subject than actual writing talent.

    And even when they are good, they are only good to you if you like the subject they are based on AND you are in the mood to read an amateur take on it. And how often do the stars align just like that? And, no, I'm not forgetting that you're not likely to go to a fan fic site and wade through a million unreadable stories to find one that is worth reading, even when you are in the mood. And that isn't nearly often enough, by the way, but that's another topic for another day.

    I freely admit that these are all well established, time tested, hard and fast rules with very few, if any, exceptions. Except for the fan fics that I write. Especially the ones that only start their lives as fan fics. And that's what we have today, so you have nothing to worry about.

    Well, you might have to something to worry about. It's starting to worry me, anyway. And that is that women seem to love it...and I'm not opposed to rave reviews, not that I've had all that many to be opposed to but it's true, I don't oppose them at all, but it does worry me when Suzette, Drusilla, Fifi, Miss Bunni and Bubbles (Do you remember her? She's my Bath Concierge), the five women I've shown it to so far all tell me they like it, all of it, because I normally find out what I did right by listening to them tell me what I did wrong.

    And when they tell me I did nothing wrong? What am I supposed to do with that? When I turn it over to the Editing Department, I have no idea what to tell them not to touch...even though they touch everything anyway and then I have to back and fix what they butchered.

    So that's the major problem with this one. But you should ignore that because otherwise, this is even more than an ordinary everyday run of the mill well done fan fic. It's a little exotic, like a Thai Burger of a fan fic. With sweet and spicy slaw, Thai herbs, ripe tomato, toasted cashews and Bangkok Peanut sauce . And just in case that isn't hot enough for you, part of it, for reasons that will be self evident in a minute was inspired by a call on Coast this morning.

    I think that's enough background info, so let's plunge right into this thing. It's a Californication fan fic about Becca, set in the future. It's the year 2031 and she's 37 years old now and miserable. Not entirely miserable but mostly, and I think that's the reason every girl I've shown it to so far loves it but more about that in a minute.

    The not miserable part of her life is her job. She's a physicist at a secret government lab in New York City. That's the kind of job that would really impress her father, if he were still in his previous incarnation, Fox Mulder. But, in his present incarnation as one hit wonder writer Hank Moody, he's proud of her but really doesn't understand what she does or why she does it.

    Compounding the problem is that she can't even talk about what she really does. Or how good she is at it. She discovered RTVT (Real Time Variable Time) which is kind of hard to explain but you know how a clock in your attic will run faster than a clock in your basement? Well, that is only one of the neat tricks that time does and one of the few that we were able to see and measure before Becca discovered RTVT. And now, we know, among other things, that rocks are alive and the pyramids assembled themselves.

    If you want to know more about RTVT, you'll just have to not read this when I finish not writing it because it's all too much to go into here. And that's too bad, because the easy part to explain is the part that the women who have seen it like the most is the not nearly as interesting backdrop to all this.

    And that is Becca's relationship with her parents and her husband and how all of them are making her miserable. She's starting to see that she a married a man who's just like her her dad and it's just not working for her. But she won't admit it to herself because she's afraid of reliving the life her parents lived, except she is living it anyway. But not as well as Hank and Karen lived it.

    This frustrates Hank beyond belief because he sees everything very clearly. And he's usually blunt about it, such as when he says, "For fuck's sake, Becca, get a divorce and stop wasting your youth. Find someone you really like and have kids and start a real life. Or just be single if that's what you want but stop this fucking madness already. Enjoy your life. Don't do what I've done for the last 25 years."

    I guess I should remind my conservative base that Hank says fuck---and every other word George Carlin made famous, plus a few that George never even thought of---, I don't. So direct all your hate mail to him. And this might also be a good time to tell you that Becca's husband is a one hit wonder, too. He was in a boy band when he was 17 that had its' fifteen minutes of fame with one hit, a rap-disco number that Hank calls...well, I won't tell you what Hank calls it because my conservative base is already mad at me.

    And he's a genuinely nice guy and that annoys Hank even more because it makes it all the more difficult to hate him. "I shouldn't have to expend this much effort to hate my son-in-law. It should come naturally. I hate him for that," He tells Karen in one scene.

    "Why don't you just start calling him Meathead?" Karen suggested.

    Hank's eyes light up and he says, "God, Edith, do you realize how hot you are right now? Fuck me. Right here. Right now."

    "We're in the No Fucking section, Hank. Don't you ever read the signs?"

    "God damn government. What's next? They going to tell me I can't smoke in here?"

    Same note to the conservatives as last time. Don't abandon me because Hank and Karen aren't FCC compliant. Just pray for them and let's all move on. And there's not much left to move on to, except for the good part of the story, which is the physics and how Becca arrived at it as a career choice.

    She recorded an album and found that she couldn't stand the record business and then she wrote a novel and discovered she didn't like writing. But music still appealed to her the most and one day, during an otherwise completely boring math class in college she discovered that math is music and that spurred her to discover that she is really good at it.

    That led to her getting her PhD and then her job with the secret lab and all the boring relationship issues with her parents and spouse just sort of happened in the background. And the whole point may very well be: Why do all the minor irrelevant soap operaish things seem to make up such a big part of what we call life?

    I'll leave that up to you to determine, though, after you've finished not reading it, after I finish not writing it. I have about three paragraphs left and I figure it'll be about thirty minutes. And then I'm going to take out all the Californication and change it into a non fan fic novel and you can not read that one, too. I predict you're going to like both of them.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---- Friday February 26th, 1999
    Friday, November 7th, 2008
    3:18 pm
    It's Friday, You Bastards
    You are about to become so happy that you grabbed a front row first class seat on this crazy train to Funville. This is going to be the wildest, most exciting and ultimately most satisfying trip you've ever been on. It's going to put the perfect cap on your week and light up your face with the biggest, highest wattage smile on your face that anyone has ever seen. Your family and friends are going to assume that you've been up to no good because no one that has been up to good could ever be that happy.

    That's what we in the government and advertising noise machines call hype...that was the royal we, by the way, because I'm just a simple greeting cards salesman, not a government disinformation specialist or advertising executive and I'm sure not both of them---I don't get paid to give you all kinds of conflicting clues and hints and to lead you on wild goose chases while parading the Truth right in front of your face in such a way that you'd never believe it until you get so frustrated, tired and disgusted with the whole stupid game that you just go back to playing Guitar Hero like a good little sheep and stop asking all the troublesome questions about all the things that are none of your business except as far as they determine your destiny and they all do---...I'm just a greeting cards salesman. And I sure hope you bought it, because I don't have anything else.

    It's not my fault. It was a really slow news week. Nothing big or exciting happened. Plus, I have writers block again. And I would tell you all about it but I can't, because, well, because I'm blocked. I would overcome it by making up some big, wild, improbable story but I can't do that either, because I have no imagination.

    So I'll just give what I do have, which won't be much to most of you but it means a lot to me. It's the funniest and best Red State Update to date. And, I know that I'm the only one who will think it's the funniest and best one because it always works that way with everything.

    Like, ask anyone, "What is the funniest ever Seinfeld moment?" I'm the only one in the Universe who will give you the correct answer, that it was when Kramer said, "I'm not waiting!" and then reset his watch a full week before the time change. Everyone else will give you a funny moment but not one that funny. And then ask them what the best Buffy moment was. I bet that nearly everyone will give you some stupid throw away scene where some over age senior citizen serial killer unemployed vampire is molesting her but the real answer is that it's a toss up between when Buffy stepped on the tiny demon and when she said, "I suck at undercover!"

    It even could have been:

    "I'll just jump in my time machine, go back to the 12th century, and ask the vampires to postpone their ancient prophecy for a few days while you take in dinner and a show."

    "Okay, at this point, you're abusing sarcasm."

    -- Giles and Buffy

    OK, The Absolute Best Ever Buffy Moment is slightly debatable (As opposed to The Best Beatles Song and I'm not even bringing them up at all, even though the Universe revolves around them, too, because I don't want to hear a bunch of dumb theories about a lot of great songs because there is only one The Best Beatles Song and it is NOT NOT NOT debatable!), and that's understandable, being that the entire Universe revolves around her but what isn't debatable is the funniest, best Red State Update ever. It is Red State Update Moves To Canada (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xXbZss1lQVU&sdig=1), despite what anyone else may try to tell you.

    See what I mean? Everyone is crazy but me. And mean. This morning, while we were laying in bed, listening to the radio, The Nighthawk said something about talking to the dead and Suzette turned to me and said, "How appropriate. I've been doing that all night." And she wasn't staring into my eyes when she said it.

    And Rodney Dangerfield says he gets no respect. Yeah, he still says that. He's here tonight and he said it not more than twenty minutes ago. Even though he's the Guest Of Honor. OK, he's the only "Big Name" guest tonight but what should that matter? Anyway, he put it like this, "Let me see if I got this straight, Frank, Sammy, Dean, Elvis, Paul Newman, Groucho, JFK and everyone else who was ever anyone comes only on nights when I'm not here? I don't even see George Gobel. I tell ya, I don't get no respect."

    Did you notice how he tried to imply that he still gets the least respect of anyone, even though it is clearly me who really gets no respect ever from anyone and how unfair it is because I'm right about everything and everyone else is wrong. WRONG WRONG WRONG! But at least I still have Fifi and she created and dedicated this drink to me:

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Respect On The Rocks

    Ingredients:

    * 1/4 cup Peach schnapps (Archers)
    * 1/2 cup Apple cider (Redds)
    * Ice

    Mixing instructions:

    Pour peach schnapps over ice. Fill with apple cider. Stir lightly.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

    So that was my week and tonight's party. Have a drink or two, sit down, relax and be glad that you're not me. Then get up and go straighten Rodney out about who really gets no respect. And that's it for tonight....oh, wait, I have just one more non misleading clue that I'm supposed to give you tonight: The Walrus was Paul.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM----Thursday November 6th, 2008
    Tuesday, November 4th, 2008
    4:45 pm
    It's Election Day, You Bastards
    First, a special THANK YOU to today's Guest Titler, Randi Rhodes (http://www.therandirhodesshow.com/). And remember, I am NOT sucking up to her, either!

    Now, onto our regularly scheduled post:

    Did you see the Quad City Times today? There is a big headline about being part of a big change and that's true. We are on the verge of a big change. Many many many changes.

    The Times is going with a Barack slant, though, and you can't really blame them, considering that they are the rival paper and it is conceivable that he might win but I still say that Catie (http://qconline.com/archives/qco/display.php?id=403226) is going to win---I voted for her, at least. And the biggest change, of course, is going to be that she is going to be bumped up to number one on my Top Ten Favorite Local Politicians List (That currently goes to zero).

    No, wait a minute, there's an even bigger change than that coming. And this one is going to be controversial. It's going to make a lot of people mad. But I am doing it anyway. I'm going to bump Catie up to number one on my Top Ten Favorite Local Writers List (Which currently goes to number eight) and a lot of people are going to call it pandering and sucking up but it really isn't---I mean I'm going to get the Ambassador To Hooter's job anyway, no matter who gets elected because who else would any of them pick? I have nothing to gain and no reason to pander or suck up to anyone.

    So, Sean, Bill, Shane, et al, will just have to understand that this is about recognizing a job well done and has nothing to do with trying to score brownie points with the new President, whoever she or he may be, and someday when they grow up and become Commander In Chief of something as impressive as The United States Armed Forces, they can have their old slot back. Or maybe even a higher one.

    Till then, Catie...or Barack or John or Ralph or whoever gets the job, gets the top spot. Even though Barack, John and Ralph aren't technically writers...but they have all written books....and they aren't exactly local...though Barack is from Chicago and that's more or less just a suburb of Rock Island, it's just a little further out and a little bigger than most of the rest of them.

    OK---How about this, then? Sean, Bill and Shane, you can relax---if Catie and Barack both lose, I won't change my Top Ten Favorite Local Writers List. There, everyone's happy, now. Except me. Don't get me wrong, it's an honor to serve my country and I'm going to be the best Ambassador To Hooter's this country has ever had but it's going to be a lot of work.

    While everyone else is busy celebrating the great changes happening to the country, I'm not going to be able to enjoy it at all because I'm going to have my hands full with the Hooter's Girls. I don't even know if I'll have a free hand to drink beer with. I just hope all you people appreciate all the sacrifices I'm making for you.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM----Monday November 3rd, 2008
    Monday, November 3rd, 2008
    5:08 pm
    You Can't Smell Vodka, That's The Beauty Of It
    A whole lot of very pushy know-it-all editors who really know nothing about anything at all, are telling me that I shouldn't write this one until after I write I'm Sorry I Ever Spanked You, Volume Two but that's ridiculous. The sky isn't going to come crashing down and I'm not going to rip a hole in the fabric of space and time and end all life as we know it (At least not till the Chief comes to his senses and lets me start playing with the Particle Collider again) by going a little out of sequence.

    First of all, time is only an illusion anyway---unless you don't believe in Quantum Mechanics and why would you? Common sense tells you that all those crazy things just can't happen---Einstein called entangled particles "Spooky action at a distance" for a reason and entangled particles is just the tip of the Quantum iceberg. And the Earth is flat. Just look at it. But, if you believe all the stuff they have proven in the lab, you know that there is no past or future. There is only now. So, I'm Sorry I Ever Spanked You, Volume Two has already been written (And that should make you feel really bad when you call me irresponsible and hopelessly behind), you just haven't perceived access to it yet. So chill out on it already because it's your fault, not mine.

    And let's get to this episode, which I believe is called, Vaginatown and what a great episode it was. Starting with Hank getting Tuesday and Wednesday mixed up. That was classic Californication at its' best. But that wasn't even the best part of this one. The very best part is that they slowed down the pacing and that made it far more enjoyable to watch.

    They kept the forced, artificial, stilted dialog to a minimum, too. Even with Charlie and Marcy, who have lately been turned into cartoon characters. And, speaking of cartoon characters, Lew "Phil Spector" Ashby is more comic like than ever. And he's even more like the real Phil now that he plays with guns.

    I bet the writers stayed up all night debating whether to make him an old football player who gets accused of killing his ex-wife and her boyfriend or an old actor who used to play a detective on TV who gets accused of killing his wife or an old crazy record producer who gets accused of killing someone.

    They ultimately chose the Phil Spector model and I'm not going to fault them for that. I'm just going to say that if it were up to me and I felt compelled to recycle an old news story into a character, I would have created Bripar and her best friend Parbri, a pair of young rich girls with unusual names who like wearing short skirts and often forget to wear underwear and I would spend lots of screen time watching them get into and out of cars.

    I would direct those scenes myself, too, because I don't trust anyone else to get the camera angles and lighting right. I would also have more scenes between Becca and Hank because they have the most chemistry. They really allow each other to shine and that's a rare commodity in this show.

    Not that the cast isn't good, because they are but they don't connect with each other the way they should. Except for Mia. She has the perfect tone, attitude and demeanor but a lot of times she comes across too stiff. And it wouldn't be that way if she just relaxed a little and if the writers would write for her instead of at her. She should be allowed to grow, rather than be stunted.

    Enough criticism. This is the best show on TV right now and one of the best that's ever been produced---and I don't care what anybody says, Hank is a hero. And the stable of minor characters who are really good has grown with the addition of Chloe Metz.

    I like her. I hope they keep her around for a while. And, as usual, there are a lot more things I want to over but that's enough for this one.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM----Sunday November 2nd, 2008
    3:03 pm
    I Can't Wait To Start My New Job
    This is one of the best days of the year, isn't it? The entire country has jet lag and that's so pleasant that they should do the time switch thing more often. Because, currently, I only get to hear, "Get your own damn coffee," from Suzette on two mornings every year.

    The coffee part isn't that bad, because I don't drink coffee but then she tells me to get my own Diet Pepsi Max and that's just unacceptable. Well, she never gets me my Diet Pepsi Max in the morning like she should but she's the most rude about it on the days after time changes.

    And that's just the start of my time change woes. I know it's only one hour in each time zone of just one country but it has a big ripple effect. I don't understand exactly why, either, especially since most of my schedule is based on GMT, Galactic Mean Time...it's exactly the same as Greenwich Mean Time but the Supreme Council changed the name because too many planets were whining and crying about everything being so Earth centric...but that's only good on vessels, stations and some moons. There's still a bunch time zones on tons of planets beyond that.

    And then there's other Galaxies and other dimensions and there are some really crazy time measurement systems going on in some of them. I do have a watch that covers it pretty well, it has 490,000,000 time zones and it switches between them by voice commands and it keeps me on time most of the time but the thing with it is that it requires a team of the best engineers on Earth to set it.

    I want one of the fancy new ones that automatically reset themselves via a satellite signal but the Chief says I can't have one because they cost $485 million and I lose and/or break way too many watches, so the $19.99 Timex is good enough for me. So I had to go Cern today, because that's where the best engineers are right now.

    And that was great because I hadn't already been exposed to enough rude Europeans today. I'm almost sorry that it's the last time ever that I'm going to have to go through it. That's because the next President, Catie (http://qconline.com/archives/qco/display.php?id=403226), Barack, John (http://www.johnmccain.com/landing/glc1.htm?sid=google&t=gelac) or Ralph (http://www.votenader.org/) is going to make me her or his Ambassador To Hooters.

    And it isn't to reward me for exclusively dedicating 200% of my time and energy to her or his campaign...which I didn't actually do but I thought about it and isn't it the thought that counts?...it's because I am the best, nay, I am the only choice for the job. I don't want to scare you or anything, but those stories you've been seeing aren't fake like the ones about Iraq were.

    We are very close to going to war with the Hooter's Girls and that's a food fight you don't want to get into because those girls have hot wings and they know how to use them. You need someone who can handle the Hooter's Girls and I, alone, know how to handle them.

    So you conspiracy nuts can go back to figuring out real conspiracies like why we have trade and diplomatic relations with over 18 million alien races and yet less than 2% of the population on this planet knows anything about it...but don't tell anyone you heard that from me, OK?...and why I can't get a decent watch and just leave our new President alone and just trust that she or he is making the best possible appointments based on the best reasons.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM----Sunday November 2nd, 2008
    Saturday, November 1st, 2008
    3:11 pm
    Coast Wish List
    From time to time, I like to go over what I want from my favorite late night paranormal radio show, Coast To Coast AM and this is one of those times. And it's a really a courtesy for the hosts and producers of Coast, because if I didn't tell them what I want, how would they know?

    They aren't mind readers and they certainly don't possess any scary alien mind control technology's...as far as you know...and Ed Dames has better things to do than remote view me. And I'm perfect for this because, unlike you, I'm just a simple ordinary God fearing, church going greeting cards salesman with a time machine, a perpetual motion machine, access to the dead and an all girl staff of 516 who lives in a small 87 room house on my tiny 5000 acre estate, so my requests are as simple and down to earth as I am. They are easy to do and will appeal to everyone. Even to you people who have high flying exciting lives.

    And the first thing on my list, well it's really the second, because we'll do the first one next, is an Execution Hot Line. I've been asking for this one for a long time and they just haven't gotten around to it yet, so here I am, asking for it again. And it's just as simple as it sounds. It's for anyone who has seen anything weird, different or scary during an execution.

    As always, I'm giving the standard disclaimer, which is that I'm firmly against the death penalty but as long as we do have it, we might as well try to get something useful out of it. You would think that if anything of a paranormal nature were to happen, it would likely happen during a planned murder and that's what executions are.

    And there's no shortage of them. The State Of Texas killed four people in October alone. And there are plenty of people who see them. Officials, reporters, guards, witnesses and the condemned themselves...and getting a call from someone who has actually been executed would be the grand prize of course.

    The closest I've ever seen to this (The ghost hunter shows that go to old prisons and investigate long closed death rows and death chambers are close but no cigar) was during a documentary where they interviewed a death row prisoner the night before his execution, he talked about how he'd always been told that before you die, you start seeing red everywhere and how for the last two weeks he had been seeing red everywhere and that's how he knew his final appeal would be denied.

    And I have a feeling that things go on during executions that are never talked about. At least not publicly. But if people had the chance to call a radio show and anonymously tell their story, they would. Maybe not, too. This could be a dud but that's the chance you take with every special hot line. At the very least you would get the usual amount of entertaining but obviously made up stories.

    And I know that a lot of people on both sides of the issue are going to object to this, so they have to be reminded that it isn't supporting or opposing the death penalty, it's merely asking what, if anything, happens during executions that people won't normally talk about.

    OK, now that number one, which was really number two, is out of the way, we can get to the real number one item on the list. And this one is kind of special because the hosts and producers of Coast can't do it. For this one, I need a ghost.

    Do you remember a couple of weeks or so ago when Ian said that the door of his studio swung open for no apparent reason and he called it very ghostlike? Well, that was a great start but this play needs a third act. And I see that act happening tonight. And that's why I need a ghost. A powerful, confident ghost who can be seen and heard.

    But it can't be just any old ghost, because many people find most of them scary and unsettling and I don't want the network to go to a rerun because Ian passed out or got too freaked out to go on. So we need a friendly, nonthreatening ghost. And she might as well be naked.

    That's why I need you, Lady Godiva. Just ride into Ian's studio during the show, dismount and sit down and I'm sure that Ian will interview you because who, least of all Ian, would find a long haired naked ghost frightening?

    Then you can ride off into the sunset---not because you frighten anyone but because Ian's wife might find you annoying if you try to stay past business hours because wives tend to be like that about naked women, ghosts or not, that hang out around their husbands---right to my house. And you're welcome to haunt me forever.

    And that's all I want. Just simple basic late night paranormal entertainment. Oh, there are other things too, like having someone get JC to call in and more Dr. Morgus and an assortment of improvements for the web site but that's enough for now. If i get my Execution Hot Line and Naked Ghost, I'll be happy. For now.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM----Monday October 31st, 2005
    Thursday, October 30th, 2008
    5:53 pm
    Today's Random Coast Notes
    So Richard C. is going to Indiana this weekend. Or at least he's thinking about going to Indiana. So he says. Actually, he might go there. Tomorrow night. But not on Saturday night. Unless "Indiana" is the official name of his estate on Mars.

    I wouldn't know because I've never been there. Oh, I've been to Mars lots of times. There are a bunch of military installations, mining operations and factories there that are on my regular greeting cards sales route. But, somehow, I've never been invited to Indiana, or whatever Richard calls his place on Mars.

    I was allowed to drive by it once. Under a heavily armed military escort, because it was the only way to get to a remote crash site that had to be investigated. So, I have seen "Indiana," if that is its' real name. From the road. There's even a point on a hill where you can kind of see a little bit of the main house.

    It's just like when you drive by Elvis' house in Hawaii. The tour guide points at a little speck way up on a mountain and says, "That is where Elvis lived when he was in Hawaii," as you whiz by at 700 mph. So, if you've seen that, you know exactly what it's like to see "Indiana."

    What it's like for me, at least. Your experience is probably completely different. You probably get to drive through the gate and attend the lavish parties that are thrown there several times a year, just like everyone else on this planet (Who have the right security clearances and I'm sure you do).

    No, wait a minute. I keep saying that I never get invited but that's just not true. Because, according to Richard, I get invited to every single one but the stupid Post Office keeps losing my invitations. Just like they did today, when every member of my staff got their theirs but mine was missing, just like always.

    I fully understand and I'm not in the least bit bitter or angry. That's why I'm keeping the big secret from everyone who isn't cleared to hear it. I'm just happy that Richard decided to have his big Halloween bash on Saturday instead of Friday, because that saves my Halloween Party on Friday night.

    So go to your stupid party on Mars on Saturday night and don't worry about me at all. Just try to pretend that you're having fun with all your shallow, self absorbed friends, because it's going to be really dull. While I'm savoring the solitude back here on Earth. I think I'll organize my sock drawer.

    No, don't be envious. Just see this as a learning experience. And the next time someone invites you to a dull, boring party on another planet that everyone is going to, you'll be older and wiser enough to say NO, because you can have a much better time with me!

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM----Wednesday October 29th, 2008
    Wednesday, October 29th, 2008
    4:21 pm
    Your Wednesday Couldn't Have Benn This Dull, Boring And Predictable
    You've probably had a day exactly like mine but just in case you didn't, I'm about to make you feel a whole lot better about your day, no matter how horrible it was. At the very least, I'm going to get all this off my chest. And that's what MySpace is all about, isn't it? Or Blurty, if you're one of the three people a decade who read me there. Anyway, it's about taking horrible, boring, ordinary days like this one and making them less horrible, boring and ordinary by sharing them with the entire world.

    Even the parts that you're not supposed to share because you signed all those stupid secrecy agreements with every government and corporation in the entire Universe, because you know that all your big fat mouthed blabbing readers will keep them quiet. Oh, I didn't mean that you're a big fat mouthed blabber...it's all the other readers that are blabbermouths and you just got dumped in the same barrel with all those bad apples.

    And I would apologize for that but I don't want to break my narrative stride here. You understand. So, where were we? Oh yeah, this stupid lousy day I had. And I guess we should start at the beginning. And that was early this morning when I got to the office and started selling greeting cards, just like I do everyday.

    Don't act surprised. I told you it was boring and ordinary. And it only gets more so from here on out, so just deep six that look of mock surprise forever, OK? Good. So, anyway, then I got a call from Showtime, and not just a call from Showtime but from the head honcho himself...not the guy you read about in the trades and the stockholders' reports who publicly runs the company but the guy who really runs the company.

    So I said, "Alber..." Wait, I can't give you his real name because one of you blabbermouths might blab it and that would open up a can of worms that I don't want open. So let's just call him Al. "Al, what you you want?" I asked.

    And he told me wanted to see me immediately to talk about the four or five or maybe six new series that I signed a contract to develop and still haven't delivered. I explained, for the millionth time, that it wasn't me. That I never signed a contract. He disagreed and insisted that I see him and since he's not the kind of guy you can easily say no to, even if you're me, I said I'd be there in a minute.

    Then I remembered that the EPA won't let me open wormholes for short local commutes anymore, so I said a word I don't usually say, "Shucks!" I had to get L.A. fast without using a wormhole and that meant I had only two viable choices. I could either beam myself up to a passing ultra high altitude super sonic transport or go down to the basement and catch a mag-lev train.

    I would rather fly but the next UHASST wasn't due for another thirty-five minutes, so that option was out. I went to the basement, but first I had to stop and tell Miss Big that I was going out for a while. And that added the element of annoyance to the boring, stupid and ordinary motif that this day already had.

    "Where are you going? Why are you going there? Who will you be with? When will you be back? And do you ever do any work around here?" She asked in one breath.

    I said, "You know what? I'm going to start calling you Suzette. You could be twins."

    "You can have one hour, and that should be plenty because I understand that's roughly 10 times the amount of time you need to do most things," She said. "But, first, bring me another cup of coffee."

    I stormed out of her office. Got her coffee and then stormed back in. I'm sure she was sorry she treated me like that, though, because I put three sugars in it instead of two, which is the way she likes it. That will teach her to be rude and stupid and then to compound all that stupid rudeness by asking me a million questions about things that are just none of her business.

    And, speaking of rude and stupid, and let's add careless and irresponsible, too, because that's exactly what it was, guess what I found when I finally got to Al's office in L.A? That's right, an empty office. And a secretary who told me, "The meeting is in New York. What are you doing here?"

    So, now, in addition to honoring contracts that I never even signed, I guess I'm supposed to read Al's mind, too. Shaking my head, I returned to the basement and got on a train. It turned out that it was the same train I had come in on.

    "That was either a very quick meeting or you got the wrong train, again," The conductor remarked, as I sat down. I explained how it was everyone else's fault but mine and said, "Just get me to New York, Floyd, and step on it."

    This was the one tiny bit of luck I had today, because it only takes 15 minutes to get to New York from L.A. because they run expresses between them...and I know that seems like a lot of time but when you compare it to the 35 minutes it takes to get from the Quad Cities to Los Angeles, because you have to stop in Des Moines, Omaha, Denver, Salt Lake City and Las Vegas, and I don't know about you but when I stop in Vegas, I'm not anxious to get right back up and leave again...it seems downright fast.

    So, I got to the meeting, only about 45 minutes late, which is really good, especially when you consider that I had to go halfway across the country and then all the way across the country because no one bothered to tell me where the stupid meeting was. I was the only one who was impressed by that, though.

    Al started right in with, "Why are you late," And finished with, "And where is Suzette?"

    I explained that it was his fault that I didn't know where the meeting was. And then I explained how high on my list of things to avoid at all costs was traveling all the way across the country with Suzette.

    He frowned and said, "You should never leave your girlfriend at home. She is the only thing that makes seeing you even semi bearable. And after I have you removed from the room, it actually becomes enjoyable."

    "How many times do I have to tell you, Al? She's not my girlfriend. She's just my Chef De Cuisine and Chief Executive Vice President In Charge Of Domestic Bliss. All I want from her, besides silent obedience, is sex, cooking and cleaning. And she very rarely does any of them."

    "So you two are married now? Congratulations! When did that happen? And why wasn't I invited? I want to kiss the bride. Maybe I'll invite her to Monaco this weekend."

    "Just do me a favor," I said, "And don't send her back this time."

    "Sorry," He replied. "She has a mind of her own. A very strong mind that even I can't change. And, speaking of change, why don't you change our foul moods into good moods by telling us all about the new television series you've created for us."

    He gestured at the huge conference table, around which were sitting all the Showtime executives, the real ones, not the fake ones you read about in the papers. They were all there: Moloch, Beelzebub, Lucifuge, Rofacale, Astaroth, Asmodeus, Belphegor, Bael, Adramelech, Lilith and Nahema.

    The oppressive smell of sulphur was starting to get to me, so I lit a cigarette to combat it and sat down. They didn't look like they were in the mood to hear once again about how it wasn't me that had signed the stupid contract they were trying to hold me to, so I pitched a couple of ideas off the top my head.

    And even though the ideas were very fresh, original, funny and amusing, Al, Moloch, Beelzebub and Lucifuge, et al, were not amused. They said the ideas were unworkable, stale and not funny at all and that the ones that were workable were still unworkable because they were too dirty for respectable late night cable audiences. Then they said that they were disappointed in me.

    So I re-pitched my old idea of starting another Showtime Channel strictly for adults that nothing would be too dirty for. They---yet again--said that it was a stupid, overly expensive idea. Then they said to have the six new series in three weeks or else.

    Or else what? I don't know either and I didn't bother asking. So now, I have to spend like a whole hour, maybe even two, that I don't have in the first place, coming up with six new cable TV series because some idiot who looks, sounds and acts just like me went to Vegas, got drunk and signed a stupid contract.

    Then I came home and here I am. I just hope something fun and exciting happens tomorrow.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM----Tuesday October 28th, 2008
    Monday, October 27th, 2008
    3:01 pm
    I'm Sorry I Ever Spanked You, Volume One
    I guess you can tell from the title that this is this week's Californication review but you might be a bit confused and wondering why I used a line from three, well, four now, episodes back and you weren't expecting me to have seen the newest one that was on on Sunday night but you can't figure out why I didn't use a line from one of the previous episodes that I haven't yet reviewed instead of one from one that I have reviewed.

    Or else you had exactly the same Saturday night that I had and there is no mystery here at all for you and while that is the far more likely scenario, I will briefly explain it anyway, just in case you didn't have a Saturday night just like mine. Just because I like to cover all the bases, including the ones that don't really need to be covered, like that.

    So, anyway, you know how the world starts to shine sometimes like you've had too much wine? But you know that that can't be it because One: Drinking too much is an irresponsible act that others do, not you and Two: You don't even like wine all that much so you barely had any.

    But then, some wise acre, and there's at least one and usually more in every crowd, no matter how hard you try to weed them out, will say that it was the beer then. But that can't be it, because of the same two reasons it wasn't the wine, except for reason number two because you really really really like beer.

    And even if reason number one was somehow violated, it wasn't your fault, because this girl in the ballerina outfit that you're pretty sure is stalking you...and you're going to tell her to stop that in a month or so...keeps sitting on your lap and giving you beer.

    Then again, you might not tell her to stop at all, because she's obviously part of God's plan for you and she wouldn't be stalking you like that if He didn't will it. And who are you to question God's wisdom? Especially considering your age and how sore He still is over the having other God's before Him and taking His name in vain..and then there was the whole coveting of your neighbor's ass thing, but if He didn't want you to do that, He never should have made J Lo live next door to you for three months! That was the most clear cut case of entrapment there ever was!...don't you think that it's time to start scoring some bonus points?

    So, OK, Ballerina Girl can keep following you around everywhere, giving you beer and lap dances all the time, because that's what God wants, but it makes it hard to watch four episodes of Californication, as you tried to do Saturday night. And while you don't approve, you kind of understand because it's basically the same thing He did to Noah, Abraham, Moses, Lott and Job.

    Still, even with all that unfair interference from God (And you can bet the Illuminati were in on it, too, even though you can't prove it), you managed to do a pretty fair job. And I'm not even mentioning all the other stuff that happened, like getting hit in the eye with a big pizza pie while someone was mooning you...and that would never have happened if Suzette would just learn the proper way to serve pizza and to not get upset just because you happen to be looking in the general direction of a girl who happens to be mooning and that, furthermore, it wasn't your fault that you dared her to moon the room. Why can't she understand that seeing that girl's butt was part of God's plan but getting hit in the eye with a pizza isn't?

    So that's why even though I did see the two episodes that I hadn't yet seen, I still need to see them again, because they are kind of fuzzy. Again, I apologize to the majority of you who lived through all that on Saturday night and then had to read it again here. But, for the rest of you, it should answer all your questions about why I don't know every tiny detail of those episodes.

    And now we can discuss what we do remember from those two shows. But we will do that in I'm Sorry I Ever Spanked You, Volume Two, because a bunch of pushy, know-it-all editors are telling me that this one is already too long and I'm tired of arguing about every little tiny thing with everyone, even though I am 100% right. So fine. We'll do it in Volume Two.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM----Art Bell, WOC AM 1420
    Friday, October 24th, 2008
    2:58 pm
    It's Friday, You Bastards
    To give you some idea of how this week has been going, I still haven't seen this week's Californication. And I still haven't seen last week's. And on Sunday, there's going to be a brand new one. So I'm getting way way behind. And now, The Nighthawk is talking about a whole bunch of specials he filmed for the Sci-Fi Channel, so I have to figure out some way to watch them.

    And, as if all that isn't bad enough, there was a brand new Cathouse last night and I missed it, too. And it was about ménage à trois! I'm starting to be afraid that even if I live to be a million years old, which is looking more and more likely everyday, I still won't be able to work in all this stuff I need to do. And then I have friends, like George Carlin, telling me that even if I am lucky enough to die, it really won't be lucky at all, because being dead makes being alive seem like a picnic...which it kind of is anyway, when you think about it, because what's a picnic besides a bunch of semi-decent food ruined by bugs, dirt and leaves?

    And they may not be right about that (Sometimes, I think they are just messing with me) but what if they are? I need alternatives! You can keep life and death, Monty, just give me what's behind Door Number Three! And I'm sure you're thinking that everything is completely hopeless at this point but this is why God sent me to you...Yes, ladies, it's not just a catchy, classy slogan on a t-shirt, I am really God's Gift To You...to show you that all this gloom and doom is only part of the picture and that the rest of the picture is very cheery.

    Like, take very early this morning, for example. Or call it very late last night, if you want. Either way works for me. Anyway, I did manage to catch most of an episode of True Blood. And it wasn't bad. It wasn't great, either. It was better than The Sopranos but not quite as good as Carnival. The good news is that it is still very early in the series' history, so it has time to get better and maybe ultimately joining the highest ranks of Greatest Cable Series Ever alongside such shows as Californication, Dead Like Me, Huff and Sex And The City.

    So I'm going to be watching it on a regular basis from now on and so should you. Just remember, though, that it's about vampires, so you have to forget about Buffy while you're watching it or you'll find it to be nothing more than a horribly inept waste of time. With nudity. And that will soften the blow a little but it's better if you just forget about Buffy till it's over.

    And then there's....nothing. That's all the good news there is for this week....Oh, wait a second, no it's not, because this was Cruella DeStupid's last day. It was kind of anti-climatic, though, because all she ever was, was a puppet and since her string puller, Putz "Shorty" McWorthless was neutered, she's been nothing more than a laughable afterthought who didn't even appear to do anything anymore.

    Still, it was joyous watching her leave and I want to be the first to wish her luck with her exciting new career and the next time I see her, I'm going to say, "Yes, I will have fries with that." And, for those of you who are wondering, we still don't know if she and Putz were or maybe even still are having an affair, and personally, I say no, because there's nothing but heaps of circumstantial evidence but if it is true, there doesn't seem to be any reason for her to keep it quiet now, so I suppose we should find out soon.

    And that's it. Everything else is bad, like this massive case of Writer's Block that I've had all week...and not everyone sees that as a bad thing. My fan club sent me a very nice Get Well Never card...but remember, the glass is still half full. With these:

    --------------------------------------------------------

    Vampyre Brew

    Ingredients:

    * 1 oz Sloe gin
    * 1/2 oz Vodka
    * 1/2 oz Malibu rum
    * 2 splashes Pineapple juice
    * 2 splashes Orange juice
    * 2 splashes Cranberry juice

    Mixing instructions:

    Fill glass with ice, add all ingredients, stir well.

    --------------------------------------------------------

    And that's all I know about tonight's party: That Fifi really likes True Blood, so she invented Vampyre Brew. So let's go in and see what the theme is and who's here.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM----Thursday October 23rd, 2008
    Thursday, October 23rd, 2008
    3:47 pm
    Because It Sometimes Cures Writer's Block
    If something was wrong, who is the first boy you would go to?

    There's never anything wrong with me....unless you go by what Suzette says and you really shouldn't do that because she's crazy as a loon, plus she's senile...but if there ever were, hypothetically, anything wrong with me, I guess I would go see Dr. Frasier Crane. He never solves any of my problems (None of which qualify me for being labeled as having something wrong with me, by the way) but he does make me laugh. And when he's busy, I go to Dr. Robert Hartley or Dr. Craig "Huff" Huffstodt. And sometimes, the four of us just get together and play poker and talk about how weird, strange and wrong you are...well, not you because you're the only one who isn't stark raving mad, but everyone else.


    Do you believe that if you want something hard enough you will get it?

    Yes, and as long as you brought that up, I also want to take this opportunity to dispel that old myth that goes, "Be careful what you wish for." There is no danger in wishing at all. Unless you wish for Suzette...and she would be fine if she didn't talk. Well, talking would be fine but the talking back, arguing and endless criticism need to go. And all the stupid pointless rules she's always coming up with and how she refuses to understand that I'm the Commander Guy, not her! And she also refuses to catch a sex addiction, even though it's the hippest, trendiest disease right now. And I understand the need for and the beauty of sarcasm...I didn't wish up two slayers to be on my staff because I'm afraid of vampires...but it can be taken too far.

    So, in conclusion: Wish all you want. It's harmless.

    Are you thinking of anything right now?

    Just you. I can't ever think about anything or anyone else.


    Do you think you have made a difference in anyone's life?

    No, but that doesn't stop me from trying. And, with God as my witness, I will one day convince Kathie Lee to go back to Regis, where she belongs.

    What are you listening to right now?

    This morning's Coast:

    Wednesday October 22nd, 2008
    Listen: Windows Media Real Media
    Merging Science & Spirituality
    Appearing during the middle two hours, scientist and biotech executive Leo Kim shared how numerous concepts of 21st-century science are consistent with spiritual ideas. While he started off skeptical of spirituality, he came to the conclusion that the... more >>
    Host: George Noory
    Guest(s): Leo Kim, Robert Young Pelton

    But that's just to kill time till you start talking, because I love listening to you more than anyone else.

    Do you like to spend time with people?

    You know what I always say, "People who spend time with people, Are the luckiest people in the world," and I really want to get lucky, so I love spending time with people. Mostly you.

    Are you hungry?

    I thought you'd never ask! Wait right here while I get the whipped cream.

    Three feelings at the moment?

    Sour, sweet and salty....no wait, those are tastes, not feelings. Or can tastes be feelings? I think they can be.

    Got anything you regret so far in life?

    Absolutely none. Well, there was this one time when this long haired kid came into my office and asked for a recording contract. He introduced himself and sang a song and I said, "Son, go back to driving a truck. You're just not cut out for show business," and I do regret that a little now and then but not too much, because the very next day, I signed Lenny Dee and Plantation Boogie went all the way to number 7, so who needs Elvis? I sure don't!

    Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks?

    Honey, you know I don't approve of drinking alcohol but if having a few drinks and becoming shamelessly uninhibited and insisting that we do all sorts of sinful, disgusting things is what you want to do, I respect you way too much to stand in your way. I just hope you appreciate all the sacrifices I make for you.

    Were you sad at all this week?

    I only get sad when those stupid heartless DJ's play Elvis songs. Why must they rub salt in my wounds? Why don't they ever play Lenny Dee? He's good! He had a hit!

    Oh, there was the night my girlfriend threatened to give up drinking, too...that really made me sad. I'm glad she finally came to her senses.

    Does the last person who put their arms around you mean anything to you?

    Would I have let you put your arms around me if you didn't mean everything to me?

    Do you wear the hood on your sweatshirt?

    I don't have a hood...I feel deprived.

    Do you like the smell of gasoline?

    I think you've had enough. Just put down the nozzle and step away from the pump.

    Has someone of the opposite sex ever told you they loved you?

    All the time and I'm sick of it. They don't really love me, they just want my body and will say anything to get it. All I am to them is a piece of meat.

    Have you ever liked someone older than you?

    I used to but now that I'm older than everyone (Look me up, I'm in the Guinness Book, under World's Oldest Living Person), it's kind of impossible.

    Have you ever been a gymnast or a cheerleader?

    No, but I really enjoy being with both of them.

    Has anyone ever told you they want to spend the rest of their life with you?

    Yeah, and it was great but then she sobered up and said, "What happens in Vegas should never have happened but since it did, could you just leave it here, please?"

    Is there someone on your mind that shouldn't be?

    Why are you always so suspicious? Who would I be thinking about except for you? All those gymnasts and cheerleaders mean nothing to me. I never think about them.

    What is your favorite thing to eat?

    Whipped cream and just wait till you see how I serve it. You're gonna love this!

    What do you think your best friend is doing right now?

    Probably something way more boring than this.

    Who was the last person you were in a vehicle with?

    Miss Daisey. I drive her everywhere.

    Do you care what others think about you?

    I only care about what you think.

    What was the last thing you laughed really hard about?

    The stock market. It's better than Spinal Tap.

    What are your plans for the weekend?

    I wish I could tell you about it but they said if I blabbed any more classified secrets, they would take away my security clearance. And we can't have that.

    Where did you get the shirt you are wearing?

    It just magically appeared here one day.

    What are you doing tomorrow?

    Something completely new, different, original and exciting: I'm going to get up and go to work.

    Are you growing apart from someone close?

    Babe, I promise, we'll never grow apart. Pass the remote, please.

    Do you have anything sore on your body?

    The one nice thing about being this old is that everything is numb.

    Are you shy?

    Yes! All those videos you see on You Tube featuring me are fakes.

    Who was the last person to call you?

    The Chief. You'd think that he'd just be happy that the big alien invasion didn't happen last week instead of stressing out over what might have happened just because I kind of forgot to brief the White House and Pentagon.

    Are you still best friends with the same people as the beginning of the year?

    I'm in The Best Friend Of The Month Club. I don't even remember who it was in January.

    Ever stayed in a hotel?

    Yep, and my favorite is still the Shady Rest.

    Have you ever driven without a license?

    Yeah, but not anymore. My drivers ed teacher said I'd never get a license after I told him, "Look man, I've seen Smokey And The Bandit ten times, there's nothing you can teach me about driving," but HA! I got one anyway. Last Tuesday. And since then, I've been completely legal. Well, I have a license now, anyway.

    Ever been on a plane?

    Yeah, lots of times but next time, I think I'm going pay the extra $5 that gets you one of those tickets that lets you ride INSIDE the plane just to see what it's like.

    Do you carry an umbrella when it rains or just put up your hood?

    I'm Amish. We don't use umbrellas or hoods. We just get wet, according to God's will.

    What would you say is your worst habit?

    I have no bad habits. It usually doesn't bother me but I feel so discriminated against during Lent.

    How many uncles do you have?

    A bunch.

    Do you know how to Salsa dance?

    I wish I could dance but thanks to this old football injury, I can't.

    If you could relive one memory what would it be?

    Why does it have to be just one?

    Who did you last shoot a dirty look at?

    I'm a Saint. We don't shoot dirty looks.

    What kind of car do you drive?

    A stretch Navigator with eight marble hot tubs.


    What color is your iPod?

    Is color really relevant? Aren't we past that yet?

    What kind of dog do you have?

    I asked my cats if we could get a dog and they said no.

    What's for dinner tonight?

    I really don't care, as long as it's heart healthy. How about a big platter of chicken fried cheese? Oh, and some chicken fried bacon. It won an award at the Texas State Fair this year, so you know it's good.

    What is the last drink you drank?

    Diet Pepsi Max. It's what the God's drink.

    Last time you were sick?

    According to Suzette, last night. She just doesn't understand healthy normal fantasies.

    How long is your hair?

    I don't know....do you want to measure it?

    Are you happy right now?

    Who isn't happy right now? You'd have to be crazy to not be happy right now!

    What did you say last?

    I'm still working on my last words.

    Who came over last?

    Just the usual assortment of ghosts, Gods and celebrities.

    Do you drink beer?

    Yes, but only to be polite. Girls are always trying to get me drunk so they can take advantage of me and I hate that but I hate even more disappointing them.

    Have your brothers or sisters ever told you that you were adopted?

    Not yet.

    What is your favorite key chain on your keys?

    I can't pick a favorite.

    What is in your pocket?

    A few magic beans.

    Who introduced you to your boyfriend or girlfriend?

    How many times do I have to tell you? She's not my girlfriend! I'm blissfully single. But the World's Most Incompetent Genie introduced me to Suzette.

    Who is the last person you had a phone conversation with?

    I don't understand why people still use phones, telepathy is so much better.

    What DVD is in your DVD player?

    Some stupid movie Suzette wanted me to watch.

    What's something fun you did today?

    I wouldn't exactly call it fun but I emceed a wet t-shirt contest.

    What do you think of when you hear the word "meow"?

    Is this a trick question?

    When was the last time you cried?

    When I found out the Yankees weren't going to the Series.

    What have you had to drink so far today?

    Diet Pepsi Max and Ayawaska. It's a good combination, you should try it.

    When is your birthday?

    February 2. You have a groundhog joke? Cool, because I've never heard one!

    What's the area code for your cell phone?

    666. The sales girl told me it's the