Greg's Blurty
 
[Most Recent Entries] [Calendar View] [Friends]

Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Greg's Blurty:

    [ << Previous 20 ]
    Friday, August 22nd, 2014
    9:58 am
    It's Friday, You Bastards
    In the heated race for Retard Of The Year, I don't think Bill Schmitz, Jr. has much to worry about and he should be very proud of himself. Think about it. From out of nowhere, he swooped in and knocked out all the perennial heavy-weight Retard champions. With just one short but intensely concentrated burst of retardedness (Suicide doesn't set you free: http://www.cnn.com/2014/08/13/opinion/schmitz-williams-suicide/index.html), he took down all the usual winners, Rush Limbaugh and all his clones.

    That one single affront to common sense (Suicide doesn't solve problems) isn't new...Retards have been saying it for decades in every known form of media...but to put it in an editorial on CNN, with the most absurd title of all time is a new, brazen and winning move. Oh sure, since there's still 3 months plus a few days left, someone like Rush may still swoop in and beat "Suicide doesn't set you free" but if you feel compelled to go out today and bet the farm on who is going to win Retard Of The Year, you should put your money on Billy.

    The competition, thus far, just can't beat him. And not for lack of trying, either. Check this one out: St. Louis police chief defends officers' action in fatal shooting (http://www.cnn.com/2014/08/21/us/st-louis-police-shooting/index.html?hpt=hp_t2). I could give you a million other examples, to prove that, whatever else you might want to say about them, you can't call Retards quitters. Even when the odds are hopelessly stacked against them.

    You gotta admire that. I wouldn't have stepped into the ring with Muhammad Ali in his prime just desperately hoping for one very lucky punch to save my life but that's exactly what Billy did when he took on Rush and all the Rush clones. And he won. It paid off for him. This is the sort of thing that causes retardation to be contagious it can be fairly termed a miracle and it could lead to believing that there is a God out there somewhere controlling things.

    Since it's probably too late now to start checking ID's, all I can do is just hope that everyone here is mature enough to hear that without going off the deep end. The only other only thing I can do is to tell you forget all that...Except for this, which is mostly for Billy, you know, a little reward for all his hard work but it's for everyone else, too: 'Suicide tourism' to Switzerland has doubled since 2009 (http://www.cnn.com/2014/08/20/health/suicide-tourism-switzerland/index.html?hpt=hp_t4)...and get tonight's party started.

    Fifi, my Sommelier, says she is going to do her best to draw your attention completely away from the danger of thinking that special people seemingly receive Divine help by dedicating tonight's Theme Drink to Bill Schmitz, Jr.:

    ===========================

    Raging Retard

    Ingredients:

    2 oz Vodka
    2 oz Tequila
    Fill with Red Bull
    1 splash Lime juice

    Mixing instructions:

    Fill a highball glass half full with ice cubes. Add vodka and tequila, fill up with Red Bull. Add a dash of lime juice.

    ===========================

    That was a fun ride, wasn't it? Slap me five if you're still alive! And remember, especially if you work for the IRS or the FTA, that, "Slap me five, if you're still alive," is a completely uncompensated plug for Stephen King's novel, Joyland (http://www.amazon.com/Joyland-Hard-Case-Crime-Stephen/dp/1781162646). And if the publisher or any of the sellers of said book happen to give me any money, it is a coincidence. An Act Of God, if you will and if I may, allow me to educate you a little about the US Tax Code: Acts Of God are not taxable.

    And now it's time to get tonight's Featured Party Game started: Binders Full Of Girls Encouraging Gay Pride. It was inspired by Dr. Patrick Johnson, a pastor in Ohio who claims that topless women encourage Gay Pride (Pervy Ohio Pastor Says Topless Women Promote Gay Pride: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YMkuHp0ZjIQ). I hope Pat is right because we need to get Gays full rights as soon as possible. But if he's wrong, try to enjoy the topless girls anyway and we'll try to come up something more effective next week. Maybe fully nude girls are the answer. And even if they aren't, it doesn't mean we should give up and quit trying.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Thursday, August 21st, 2014
    8:48 am
    More About Ferguson
    The day before yesterday, I talked about how I agree with Ed (http://wegoted.com/) in that Ferguson is shaping up to be another Kent State and today I want to draw another hisorical comparison. The more I hear about Michael Brown (What Michael Brown's autopsy tells us: http://www.cnn.com/2014/08/20/opinion/melinek-michael-brown-autopsy/index.html?hpt=hp_t3), the more this whole thing reminds me of what we heard right after the Trayvon Martin ( Trayvon Martin's Mother Pens Open Letter to Michael Brown's Family: http://news.msn.com/in-depth/trayvon-martins-mother-pens-open-letter-to-michael-browns-family-1?ocid=ansnews11) shooting. You remember. George Zimmerman is a hero who saved us by gunning down a vicious Black thug and paid the price. Remember how they said he was beaten to a bloody pulp and barely survived and that's why he had to kill Trayvon?

    And then the video came out that showed that George wasn't even scratched. There was no fight. There was no struggle. It was a very simple open and shut case of murder. And now the same thing is happening all over again. Michael Brown was a shoplifter (And that was reason enough to shoot him, even though the cop who murdered him didn't know anything about it) and he had ::GASP:: marijuana in his system. The pot even had Pat & Stu (https://www.youtube.com/user/patandstu---Check out their "Popular Uploads" for a good laugh and some hope that maybe we aren't doomed after all. The one with the most views is from 4 months ago and it has 36,203 Views (That's in 4 months! And their typical view count seems to be around 500). Compare that to any Young Turks video, which often get more than 100,000 views in a week or less and I haven't checked but I'd still be willing to bet that their lowest viewed video over a month old has more than 36,000) speculating yesterday morning that he was on crack, too. Cause, you, no one does pot without also doing crack. Especially Black kids.

    That fully explains why it took six bullets so we can stop asking and just give that cop a medal already. We can stop asking all the other questions, too. Like, if the cop were telling the truth, why isn't there gunpowder on the body? Because Darren Wilson, just like George Zimmerman is a hero.

    The sad thing is that just like George, Darrin Wilson will probably keep his job and never do a single day in jail. But does that mean that nothing good will come out of this? Maybe and maybe not. Rush (http://www.rushlimbaugh.com/) was ranting and raving yesterday about how this story will still be in the news in November. So it's possible that it is an October Miracle that arrived a couple of months early.

    It's very hard to say that getting the House and keeping the Senate is worth a kid getting shot six times but it is very easy to say that if it had to happen anyway, it's a very small price to pay. I just hope that this story is still hot in November and everyone remembers that.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Wednesday, August 20th, 2014
    9:20 am
    Will The Most Frivolous Lawsuit Ever Go Forward?
    Is the lawsuit against Rick Perry (Defiant Gov. Perry rejects 'outrageous' indictment: http://news.msn.com/us/defiant-gov-perry-rejects-outrageous-indictment?ocid=ansnews11) going to force John Boehner to drop his lawsuit against President Obama (John Boehner Says His Plan To Sue Obama Is 'Not About Impeachment': http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/06/25/john-boehner-obama-impeach_n_5529923.html)?

    You would think so. And you would be far from the only one thinking it: Perry Case Complicates Boehner's Lawsuit (https://www.bing.com/search?q=Perry+Case+Complicates+Boehner%27s+Lawsuit&go=Submit&qs=bs&form=QBRE). Because to do otherwise would mean being so brazenly hypocritical that it's new ground even for Republicans. Not that they haven't come close to being that brazenly hypocritical before but is this new line one they want to cross right before a very important election?

    I say it can go either way. The Republicans have so little left to lose that an all but certain suicide mission with a 99% chance of failure just might be the best shot they have. Then there's the fact that John Boy Boehner (I use the nickname John Boy with apologies to fans of The Waltons [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Waltons]) is hardly the brightest bulb in the House. Or the country for that matter.

    He's not quite as mentally challenged as some Republicans, such as Chuck Krauthammer (Krauthammer: Obama should condemn violence in Ferguson: http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2014/08/18/krauthammer-obama-should-condemn-violence-in-ferguson/) but that's not saying much. So don't start looking for sane rational behavior from John Boy.

    Or from the people who are pulling John Boy's strings. There's a slight chance they might let him make this call on his own (Again on the What do we have to lose? theory) but they probably won't. And they aren't much smarter than Chuck, either. For that latest clearest evidence of that, I want to show you another video: Anti-Gay Activist's Wife Left Him For A Woman (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9CGZ0tzpnc&list=UU1yBKRuGpC1tSM73A0ZjYjQ&index=13).

    You'll notice that Jonathan Saenz is from Texas, just like Rick Perry. And he wants to preserve Family Values through hatred, intolerance and bigotry. In other words, another dumb Republican with nothing left to lose who isn't quite as dumb as Chuck because Chuck set the gold standard for dumbness.

    Anyway, that's the size and shape of the GOP. From top to bottom, they're all (OF course, as with anything else, there are some exceptions to prove the rule and confound common sense) bully's and thugs who are, to put it kindly, not very bright. And that's why President Obama might have to waste the last of his presidency and quite a bit of the beginning of his retirement fighting the king of the frivolous lawsuits. The good that will come out of it is that even more people will see how ridiculous the Conservatives are and that will speed up their decay a little but I think what will be lost won't be worth the gain. That's why I hope John Boy drops the whole thing right now.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Tuesday, August 19th, 2014
    6:56 am
    Tin Soldiers And Nixon's Coming
    Ed Schultz said something on his show last night that I've been thinking for a long time, Ferguson is a lot like Kent State, or at least it's shaping up to be just like it (ED SCHULTZ: MISSOURI GOVERNOR ASKING FOR ANOTHER KENT STATE: http://www.breitbart.com/Breitbart-TV/2014/08/18/Ed-Schultz-Missouri-Governor-Asking-For-Another-Kent-State). I will say this much for Governor Nixon...And isn't funny how Fate put another Nixon in charge of the next Kent State, but as a Democrat this time. You can't say Fate doesn't have a sense of humor...He got rid of the stupid curfew. But then he called out the National Guard.

    And now I'll say something that Ed didn't say and you'll probably never hear anyone else say, either, I hope that if Ferguson does become the next Kent State, I hope it's cops who are killed this time instead of innocent kids. Starting with the murderer who killed Michael Brown, who I believe is still on paid leave, so it will probably take some planning but it can be done. I know some of you think that's kind of harsh, even though there are millions of reasons to wish for it. It's like trying to jog through waist high water but I am going to give you just one example of why it's not a bit harsh to wish that on any police force. An example from Ferguson, as luck would have it: Cops Beat Man Bloody Then Arrest Him For Bleeding On Them (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-Yg6fWxdLE).

    I could have given you a million other examples of how the police in this country abuse their power and are all but completely useless and it's no loss when they get killed but why bother, because if one doesn't convince you, a million won't either. But even if you still do support the police, you should at least consider this: Doesn't Fate owe us a Kent State we can feel good about?

    Speaking of Fate owing us things we can feel good about, I want to return for a moment to Rush Limbaugh and suicide. Poor old Rush has been forced to take back what said about Robin Williams by his usual method, denying that he had ever said it: Liberals To Blame For Robin Williams Suicide? Rush Backpedals (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTAIFZdQOsM&index=29&list=UU1yBKRuGpC1tSM73A0ZjYjQ).

    As Ana and Cenk pointed out, the mean old Liberal Drive-by Media harasses Rush by misquoting him and taking him out of context by quoting exactly what he says in context. They also pointed out that as usual, he sounds as happy and well adjusted as usual, unlike us Liberals who are always angry and never satisfied about anything. And Cenk even mentioned Rush's penchant for lavender scented candles. It was more subtle than Bill's (http://www.billmaher.com/) observation, "Talent on loan from God. Furniture on loan from Liberace," but it was every bit as good.

    Anyway, what Ana and Cenk didn't say is the most important part. Rush is still angry about everything...Well, we knew that. What we could only guess about until his comments about Robin Williams is that he is constantly thinking about suicide. But now we know it's true. And even if he never acts on his suicidal inclinations, it's still comforting to know he has them. It's probably even better that he stays here because he is tortured so much by it...Again, we knew that he was unhappy and angry but the suicidal thoughts bring the whole package together into something really good. On the other hand, it would feel so good if he were dead. I guess, you could say, if you aren't afraid of being called a hopeless optimist, that we can't lose either way.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Monday, August 18th, 2014
    5:41 am
    Just A Very Short Personal Message For Gene Simmons
    I have a personal message for Gene Simmons: Gene, no matter how hard you try (Gene Simmons tells depressed people 'kill yourself': http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2014/08/15/gene-simmons-tells-depressed-people-to-kill-themselves/), you're never going to be a bigger prick than Ted Nugent (Anti-American Prick ted nugent: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T3nOpLB4DMU), so stop embarrassing yourself.

    And get a grip on reality. You owe your entire life to the depressed drug addicts you look down on because Peter Criss is one of them. Do you really believe anyone would even know who you are today if it weren't for Beth (KISS - Beth (official KISS video with remastered audio): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kHkojuUSDO8)? That one song prevented you from being forgotten in 1980 (It was released in 1976 but without it, everyone would have forgot you in 1980) and you're still coasting on it. You owe almost as much to Ace Frehley, another depressed drug addict, because without him, you'd also be a washed up nobody right now.

    So lay off Peter and Ace. Stop acting like an entitled Welfare Queen and start being grateful to the people who put you where you are by doing all the work. You know, maybe Ace and Peter wouldn't be addicts if they didn't have to deal with people like you, so cease and desist whining and crying about all the problems that are your fault. Above all, stop trying to out-prick Ted Nugent cause while you give it a real noble try, he is way out of your league. You're just making yourself look like a damn fool. Unless you can start sounding like Bruce Springsteen (‘The Guardian’ Thanks Reagan for Making Springsteen a Political ‘Boss’: http://www.thenation.com/blog/180147/guardian-thanks-reagan-making-springsteen-political-boss#), you should just shut up. Limit your vocals to Rock And Roll All Night while the real pros sing the real songs like Beth and Hard Luck Woman. Oh, you can do Cold Gin, too, but that's all we need to hear from you.

    The bottom line is you're nothing but a fifth rate bass player in a fourth rate band---And Beth magically elevates you above all that. You should start acting like it.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Sunday, August 17th, 2014
    8:57 am
    Absurd
    “The realization that life is absurd and cannot be an end, but only a beginning. This is a truth nearly all great minds have taken as their starting point. It is not this discovery that is interesting, but the consequences and rules of action drawn from it.”

    ~~~Albert Camus


    Albert Camus is hardly the first or last word on life. In fact, you have to take a lot of what he said with a huge grain of salt. For instance, his comments about suicide not being a solution are entirely salt free. How could someone as smart as Al say something so stupid? That is a bigger mystery than the Pyramids, Stonehenge and the Nazca Lines combined. But, as far as the basics are concerned, Al hit the nail right on the head. Life is absurd. Period.

    Is it only a beginning, as Quantum Mechanics suggests it is? That, too, is a mystery. But don't worry, it's only temporary. You'll know the moment you die. Unless life is really an end, in which case you'll never know anything. But either way, you'll be free of the absurdity. At least of all the absurdity here.

    Why is that so hard for so many, including Albert Camus, to understand? No, that's not quite fair, so let me rephrase it. Why do these people not recognize the sanity in ending early rather than enduring years or even decades more of it? Beyond that even, they call suicide insane. Even the ones who honestly believe in Heaven and think that the dead are cruising down streets paved with gold and eating roast beef with Jesus every night. But what about the vegetarians? Wouldn't it be kind of like Hell to them if they're forced to eat meat? Or does Jesus know how to turn beef into tofu? Or maybe they do offer a vegetarian alternative.

    OK, OK. I can see how if you're a vegetarian Christian, you might want to think twice before killing yourself because there are just too many unanswered questions. But the rest of you Christians? You're just nuts. Or you don't really believe in all that hoo-haw anymore than I do.

    And as for all you people with common sense (AKA the Atheists)? Well, I can see you being leery of suicide for a bunch of good reasons but when you say that suicide is insane, I have to give you a ticket for the short bus so you can join all the Christians who are just as crazy as you are. Oh, very well. You Masochistic Christians get a free pass, too, because living in Paradise, where no one will ever beat or humiliate you, would be an unhappy tortuous existence for you.

    But all the rest of you should be rounded up and put back in your rubber rooms. And who let you out in the first place? Robin Williams killing himself is no excuse for you to shamelessly parade your dementia in the streets but that is exactly what's happening. Everyone and his brother is talking about how great life is and if you disagree, you're the crazy one who needs medication.

    Kids, this is why wise old people say to be careful of what you wish for. I used to think that it'd be really cool living in a Monty Python sketch but now that it's happening, I'm having buyers remorse. Instead of going to the Argument Clinic or discussing the crazy side of Albert Camus with the Bruce's from the Philosophy Department of the University of Woolloomooloo or the one I really wanted, buying a bed with Carol Cleveland, I got a new one. The one where the Ministry of Silly Walks takes over everything in the entire world and silly walks are now the least silly thing on the planet.

    Granted, it's only a half step above the normal Conservative ideology of Up Is Down, Right Is Left and Black Is White that I'm already constantly bombarded with but it is a very big half step. Nor is it entirely new. It gets replayed every time a suicide makes the news in a big way. But every time it comes out of its' closet, it feels new. And scary. And repulsive.

    When you say that no sane person would want to be here and suicide is a really smart thing to do, they will look at you with a straight face and say, "You're sick. You need help." It doesn't matter how much evidence you give to the contrary. You can list off everything from the Holocaust to the body of the latest little kid who was found all chopped up somewhere and the most you might get in the way of rebuttal is a slack jawed reply along the lines of, "Pain is good. How else would you know you're alive?"

    So you're crazy. Because you think that multitudes of people being tortured to death (There are a million other arguments you can make about other things but why bother cause if the Holocaust and ordinary people killing kids doesn't work, none of them have any chance of success) so you can feel alive is an awful way to run a world and that no one with any sense would want to be a part of it.

    Yep, that's how we define insanity now. And since there is nothing we can do about it, I'm going to let tonight's special guest, Monty Python, have the last word, "Well ladies and gentlemen, I don't think any of our contestants this evening have succeeded in encapsulating the intricacies of Camus's masterwork, so I'm going to award the first prize this evening to the girl with the biggest tits."

    Now, if you'll excuse, me, I'm going to go try and find the Returns counter so I can exchange all this for the chance to be Sir Galahad the Chaste and get seduced by an entire castle full of young women.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Red State Update: Episode 40: This Ain't My First Racist Ro
    Saturday, August 16th, 2014
    9:37 am
    ShazBot!
    Thus far, this week can be summed up in one word, ShazBot. And it's not likely to change much, since there's only day left. Unless you like to start the week on Sunday instead of Monday and if that's the case, it's over right now. And nothing has happened to balance out the tragic loss of Robin Williams and Lauren Bacall. Well, nothing big, anyway. We do have this: Murder-Suicide Claims Christie Team Member, Spouse (http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/wireStory/murder-suicide-claims-christie-team-member-spouse-24913579).

    It seems to be the simple case of a mercy killing---Because the victim seemed to be suffering from dementia---followed by a mercy suicide but beyond that, it means that there will be two less Republicans voting this November and in every election thereafter, which does cancel out Robin and Lauren no longer being able to vote for Democrats. Plus, it has to have some effect on Chris and his efforts to be President. I, for one, am grateful for little things like this. Even though my critics continue to say that nothing ever makes me happy.

    Another thing that makes me happy is this: Virginia deputy mistakenly shoots teen daughter he thought was home intruder (http://www.foxnews.com/us/2014/08/15/virginia-sheriff-deputy-mistakenly-shoots-teen-daughter-thought-was-home/). Be careful to not misquote me, though. I am not happy about this for the same reasons that Conservatives are, i.e., sneaking out is now a capital offense and the police are cracking down on it, starting with their own kids---The girl in this case did get a reprieve from God because the shooting didn't kill her but you can hardly blame the cop for the hippie Drive-By Soft On Crime Liberal Deities legislating from the bench in Heaven.

    I am happy about it for the same reasons that the Conservatives are unhappy about it. It's going to be really hard for the NRA to spin this into it being some kind of proof that guns make us safer and every house should have several. What are they going to say? That if the girl had had her own gun, she could have protected herself by killing her dad? The cop? Who was just standing his ground and trying to protect his family?

    And what about the argument that proper training is all it takes to avoid accidents like this? Who is better trained than a sheriff's deputy? Maybe military personal, but that would be about all. Aren't they taught to know when to shoot and not shoot? So why is that teenage girl in the hospital right now recovering from a gunshot wound? Yep, this has PR Nightmare For The NRA written all over it and I hope the media doesn't ignore it like they hope they will. I hope they even do better than that by using it as an excuse to trot out some of the hundreds of cases like this that have happened in the past where the kid died.

    And if cops aren't being trained very well in the use of firearms, shouldn't that be a major clue that we need lots more gun control? Because what are the odds that anyone else is going to get adequate training? There are some other issues that I don't have time to go into, too, but the bottom line of this story is that we have way too may guns.

    Another thing I'd like to see the media do is to point out that this is also a prime reason that we need to support the people of Ferguson (Police identify officer, allege teen robbed store: http://news.msn.com/us/police-teen-shot-by-cop-suspect-in-recent-robbery), L.A. (Los Angeles police investigate shooting death of unarmed black man: http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/chi-lapd-shooting-unarmed-black-man-20140813-story.html), New York (Choke hold by cop killed NY man, medical examiner says: http://www.cnn.com/2014/08/01/justice/new-york-choke-hold-death/index.html) and everywhere else where the abusive Police State is getting out of control (Which is literally everywhere) in their efforts to put a leash on the beast known as law enforcement.

    And would it be too much trouble to see Rick Perry (Texas Gov. Rick Perry indicted: http://www.cnn.com/2014/08/15/politics/rick-perry-indictment/index.html?hpt=hp_t1) FINALLY get crucified in the press? Or will we have to settle for one grand jury doing the right thing before seeing the whole thing evaporate like a tiny Black Hole? Just like everything else. Yep, ShazBot says it all.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Red State Update: Episode 40: This Ain't My First Racist Ro
    Friday, August 15th, 2014
    10:59 am
    It's Friday, You Bastards
    It's kind of a minor miracle that Glenn Beck is now a part-time Liberal. At least once a day he rants and raves against the ComCast merger (Glenn Beck jumps into Comcast merger: http://www.politico.com/story/2014/02/glenn-beck-comcast-time-warner-deal-103756.html). I find this fascinating on a multitude of reasons. First of all, he is saying all the right things, pretty much in the exact same way that people like Bill, Ed, Rachel and the Turks (http://www.billmaher.com/, http://wegoted.com/, http://www.rachelmaddow.com/ & http://www.tytnetwork.com/) do. But he's doing it for all the wrong reasons. He's upset because if this merger goes through, it will be even tougher for him to distribute his own network. And that's the one reason to not be upset with ComCast.

    No one wants The Blaze (http://www.theblaze.com/) and from a purely business standpoint, that's not ComCast's fault. If Glenn had a product that people actually wanted and ComCast didn't want to air it because of political reasons, that would be a different story. But you can't blame ComCast for not wanting to tie up a channel that only 40 or 50 people are going to watch. And as I said, it's the only thing you can't blame ComCast for.

    What I really hope comes from this but know that it will never happen is that the few people who listen to Glenn will finally realize what a charlatan he is. Because when something affects him, he suddenly swings to the right side (Which is, ironically enough, the Left side) but when it is something that gets you screwed over, he's a loyal, obedient Conservative, preaching about free markets and deregulation.

    I don't know how much more proof you Conservatives need to make you realize that you're being played like a piano but I concede that it's hopeless and you finally dying is the only thing that's going to solve the problem. Pills, potions and incantations provided by witch-doctors (http://www.apa.org/) have no chance of curing your insanity. If you think I'm exaggerating, just check out this latest example of how far gone you are: GOP Governor Hilariously Battles Satanists (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqBkNArCkpI).

    RUN AND HIDE UNDER YOUR BED CAUSE SATAN IS COMING FOR YOU!!!!!! But have a drink first. Yes, I am reaching across the aisle to invite you to tonight's party because I figure for one day a week we can get along long enough to achieve something and make some progress or at least get massively drunk together. Barry has his Beer Summits (Obama Beer Summit Choices Make For A Happy Hour: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=111373030) and I have the weekly Friday Party.

    I also have Fifi, my Sommelier, which is a lucky thing for you because if it were up to me, you would be drinking beer like a normal person, instead of this, the Theme Drink that she invented for tonight:

    =====================================

    Nanu Nanu

    Ingredients:

    3 shots Spiced rum (Captain Morgan's)
    3 shots Kahlua
    3 splashes Cream
    3 splashes Coca-Cola

    Mixing instructions:

    In a shaker mix Spiced Rum, Kahlua, and Cream. Pour into a Mason Jar filled with ice and add a splash of Coca-Cola. Garnish with a couple of Filberts.

    =====================================


    That's not a splinking. It's a real drink. Just as this is a real Party Game: Binders Full Of Girls From Necroton. If you don't remember what the Necrotons look like, I suppose I should tell you that you have the memory of a senile goldfish. Then, just in case that isn't helpful, I suppose I should show you this: https://www.flickr.com/photos/babyblue-heroines/5502682911/. And maybe even this: Mork and Mindy Season 2 Episode 10 Mork vs the Necrotons (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0fghHpInB0). That's it for now. Go and enjoy the Necrotonians. I'll join you later. Right now, I have to go make my weekly report to Orson.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Red State Update: Episode 40: This Ain't My First Racist Ro
    Thursday, August 14th, 2014
    9:50 am
    The Genie IS Free
    It's Thursday now and with the passing of Lauren Bacall (http://movies.msn.com/movies/article.aspx?news=882025>1=28101) we're 2/3 of the way to hitting our Three Rule quota. If you count Charles Keating and JJ Murphy (http://movies.msn.com/movies/article.aspx?news=881539&ocid=ansent11 & http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/tv/game-thrones-actor-jj-murphy-dies-days-filming-role-article-1.1899408), we are way over the top.

    Robin Williams, just as he did when he was alive, continues to steal the show, though. But not in a good way this time. First of all because he's no longer here but even more than that, he is, because he did an incredibly positive thing for himself, inspiring all the wacko delusional deniers to pour out of the woodwork.

    For my money, the worst offender so far (And it's only been a couple of days so things can get a lot worse) is Peter R. Breggin (http://breggin.com/). Did you hear him on Coast (http://www.coasttocoastam.com/) last night? He spent most of an entire hour talking about how great life is and what a big mistake suicide is. Did he offer any evidence to back up his claims? No. The "Life Is Great" people never do. Because they have none. Zero. Zip. Nada.

    What they do have is the Survival Instinct and thousands of years of brainwashing. And that entitles them to go on talk shows with millions of listeners and lie their heads off and totally get away with it. The very same way religious nuts and Global Warming deniers can go on FOX News and be treated as if they have real valid opinions.

    To be fair, many times the religious nuts and Warming deniers get a free ride on Coast, too. You know who I wish they'd try to get as a guest host? Cenk Uygur (https://twitter.com/cenkuygur). He'd probably turn down the gig but there's also a chance he'd say yes and if he did, not only would he discover that it's a very fun show to do, it would be the best thing to happen to the show in a long time. George Noory has his moments and George Knapp (http://www.8newsnow.com/story/175403/george-knapp) is the best but he only does it once a month or so.

    Cenk would be fair but he would hold a hard-line against the people who have nothing, be they political, scientific or paranormal scammers. Just as important, Cenk has the skills and personality needed to hold an audience so the things he would say that would anger some Coast fans would be offset by his likability. He's a lot like Art Bell in that even when he's doing a boring story, you still listen because you want to see what he's going to say about it. That's not just me talking either. Look at his numbers on YouTube---Which is where the most desirable demographics live. He has more than two billion views. Lots of people feel exactly the way I do and most of them, unlike me, are attractive to advertisers. And even if only a few of the millions of people who listen to Coast started watching the TYT Network and vice versa, both franchises would profit immensely.

    But that's getting off topic and getting off topic gives my Editor-In-Chief, Style Manual, hives. So let's relieve some human suffering by getting back on topic by saying Life Sucks, suicide is a sane choice and simply denying it doesn't change the facts. And you shouldn't listen to retards like the aforementioned Peter R. Breggin and Bill Schmitz, Jr. (Who titled his latest article, "Suicide doesn't set you free" [http://www.cnn.com/2014/08/13/opinion/schmitz-williams-suicide/index.html?hpt=hp_t3] and then promptly admitted that he doesn't know what he's talking about, "While I do not know, and no one knows, if Robin Williams is "free," he is dead, and his loss has devastated us all." That honesty is kind of admirable but I fear that the majority of people who read it won't understand that it's a red flag that indicates everything Bill says should be laughingly dismissed and/or ridiculed mercilessly up to and including calling the author a selfish self-centered retard who makes his living by selling magic beans to rubes).

    As usual, I'm not trying to disillusion or depress anyone. And it's not like I'm breaking new ground or spilling huge secrets. Everyone knows that life is horrible and suicide solves all problems instantly and forever. My only goal is to get all of us out of the habit of saying the opposite just to please retards and insulting the people who are smart enough to get out. What I want is honesty and the improvement of life for everyone that would come with it. I'm just calling for an end to the denial that is just making things worse.

    But, even given all that, there are big reasons to be hopeful. As I have noted many times before, kids are starting to get it. They are dumping lies like religion and the notion that life is good in droves. It's the people my age who remain the problem and that means that time is going to solve the problem quite nicely. Eventually.

    In the meantime, what kind of consolation prize are we going to get? Probably not much if anything at all but occasionally life does throw us a bone in the form of an unexpected pleasant surprise and that's what I'm hoping for in the near future. I've already talked about how Glenn Beck is a prime candidate for suicide because he's an alcoholic who's empire is crumbling around him and his dad just died (Loss of a parent isn't number one on the list of most stressful things, I think that's the loss of a child but I think loss of a parent is in the top ten) and, to double our chances, now I'm going to talk about why Rush Limbaugh has tons of good reasons to kill himself.

    Rush is drug addict and his career...Well, this says it best, Limbaugh Beat By College Radio In Ratings (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nXkRm7RKDz8)...and once his welfare is cut off, which could happen any day now and even if it doesn't, he knows it's coming, what's he going to do? He's also more in the closet than anyone else in history and what happens when he can no longer afford to pay people to not out him? Plus, there's this, WOW: Rush Attacks The Left For Robin Williams Suicide (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GB8MvMezstA) where he does his usual projecting but this time it's about suicide and I like it a lot because he's saying, in projected code, that the Party Of Death, the GOP, is driving him to suicide.

    You can say I'm a crazy wild eyed optimist and you'll probably be right but I cling to the thought that if on this past Sunday you had told me Robin Williams would be dead within 24 hours from suicide, I would have said you were crazy just as you are calling me crazy now because I say it could happen to Rush by Sunday. Or even Glenn. Possibly both. Keep your fingers crossed.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Wednesday, August 13th, 2014
    12:02 am
    Most Expected And Most Unexpected
    So far, this week has given us the most unexpected headline of the year, Robin Williams Dead At 63, Suicide Suspected (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gm8Q7etTfMk&list=UU1yBKRuGpC1tSM73A0ZjYjQ) as well the most expected, Sarah Palin Embarrasses Herself (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MRMibke_S5s). And it's only Wednesday! What is the rest of the week going to be like?

    Celebrity deaths, along with a lot of other things, not always but quite often do come in three's. You can write that off to mystical reasons if you want (And you won't be as wrong as your critics will say you are) or you can say it's just the Law Of Big Numbers at work (In that case, you will be totally wrong [Just as you are wrong when you say there is nothing behind the 27 Club (Here is a very partial list that doesn't even scratch the surface: http://www.nerdygaga.com/4239/the-curse-of-27-famous-celebrity-deaths/)]. It may or may not be what we currently call the paranormal at work but there is some mechanism behind the They Always Come In Three's rule. It's not random chance.). That's bad news because it dramatically raises the chances that by Sunday, we will lose two more beloved celebrities.

    It doesn't have to work that way. The next two could be Rush Limbaugh and Ted Nugent but how often do things work out that way? Never? Or at least close to never. That's why I say it's bad news. Even if we make it past Sunday with no other losses. Because the They Always Come In Three's rule sometimes takes a month or even a little more to play out (If it takes any longer than a little past a month, we have to say that it was an exception to the Three Rule) but for the purposes of this post, Sunday is the endpoint.

    So why don't we spare ourselves a lot of needless advance pain and suffering by skipping to speculating about what the other two Most Expected Headlines might be to join Sarah Palin Embarrasses Herself? Try this one on for size: Rush Limbaugh Busted With 400 Viagra Pills In Company Of Underage Male Prostitutes. See, you feel better already, don't you? Here's another one: Sarah Palin Literally Shoots Herself In The Foot In Tragic Hunting Accident.

    That last one wouldn't be funny if it happened to just about anyone else but Sarah has it coming. Her Karma is screaming out: Nonlethal but extremely painful and embarrassing self-inflicted firearms wound! Come to think of it, Ted Nugent's Karma is screaming the same thing, so the headline might read: Ted And Sarah Each Shoot Themselves In The Foot Vow To Never Hunt Together Again. We have already had many previews of this (Such as this one, Cop Shoots Himself in the Leg During Safety Training [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_DcVRthVyRw]) but it won't reach its' defining moment of perfection until it happens to Sarah and/or Ted.

    That's kind of shooting for the Moon, though. We're more likely to get something a little more mundane, much like the first one, Sarah Palin Embarrasses Herself. Something along the lines of, Dennis Miller Fired! Or, Glenn Beck Files For Bankruptcy. It might even be so mundane and ordinary that we don't even notice it. Like if another fire and brimstone, high profile religious nut gets busted with drugs and hookers or Rush calls someone a slut again---Rush, if you are going to do that, could you please wait about a month and a half so it will still be in the news on election day?

    Or maybe it will be in-between. Not epic but pretty darn good. Something like one of Mitt Romney's kids having an abortion. Or it will be revealed that Michele Bachmann had an abortion. Or this bit of wishful thinking, Rep. Bachmann Arrested for DUI in Colorado (http://www.newslo.com/rep-bachmann/) will finally come true. Anyway, you get the idea. There are literally billions of possibilities and all we are asking for is two more. Delivered in a timely manner. Keep your fingers crossed until Sunday.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---George Noory, WOC AM 1420
    Tuesday, August 12th, 2014
    12:00 am
    I'm Sorry, If You Were Right, I'd Agree With You
    Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!

    ~~~Robin Williams



    His body isn't even cold yet and already everyone is talking about how Robin Williams (Robin Williams dead, sheriff says: http://www.cnn.com/2014/08/11/showbiz/robin-williams-dead/index.html?hpt=hp_t1) was insane. Because life is great, he killed himself and you would have to be crazy to not want to be here. To be fair, no one is saying "crazy" and "insane." They are using the universal code word for them, "depressed."

    I don't know why this continues to surprise me. It happens every single time someone commits suicide. Without fail. The crazy and insane accuse the sane of being bonkers. Multiplied by about a million times when it's a suicide. And when I point that out, they say I'm crazy. It's like talking to an addict who won't admit that he has a problem.

    And that's the whole crux of the problem, folks. Until you admit that life is not good, there is no chance of us ever making a recovery. I can't really complain because I have several pharmaceutical stocks that are making me tons of money because the palm readers and fortune tellers that call them themselves psychiatrists have convinced so many of you that the world is fine. There is something wrong with you. You are the problem. You're in luck, though, because they can fix it with expensive drugs. And that wasn't even enough, so Madison Avenue got in on the act and began bombarding you with ads and now instead of the ersatz doctors having to call you bonkers, you barge into their offices and demand the pills, thereby giving me even more money and less reason to complain.

    But I complain anyway. Even with plenty of money, the world is a very sad and frustrating place with a huge problem that most of its' inhabitants are in denial about. That brings right back to Robin Williams. How much more money, fame, success, adoration and love could one guy have? And still it isn't enough when you live in a diseased world.

    Unless you're one of the ones who thinks he was just crazy, in which case you should just go take another handful of pills. If you're one of the few who are still with me, I wish I could say that there are enough of us to make a difference but I can't because it wouldn't be true.

    The solution is obvious and super easy. Suicide. Oh, if you're still one of those intellectual giants who says that suicide does not solve problems, you are genuinely crazy. Go take another handful of magic beans. They won't help you to see what's right in front of your face but they might keep you quiet for a while.

    The primary problem with that, though, is that it's hard. We are programmed to want to survive and fear death. The secondary problem is that we don't know what happens when we die. You can say there's absolutely nothing, no existence whatsoever when we die but you really don't know. You're just guessing. And that's a huge problem because there might be something (You don't have to be bit religious to believe that, either. Spend some time studying Quantum Physics if you don't believe me).

    So it's like rolling a three sided die. There will be nothing or there will something good or there will be something that's even worse than being here. And, for comparison purposes, how much luck do you have playing craps? That's why we should stop saying that suicide is for the weak and cowardly and admit what it really is: The bravest thing a person can do.

    We aren't hopelessly lost in that area. If you were to dive on grenade and save your whole platoon or dive into the path of a speeding car to knock a toddler to safety in the nick of time, we would not only say you were brave, we would also say you're a hero. Oh! Almost forgot one. We generously make allowances for the terminally ill, too. So we aren't hopelessly lost in that area, we are only 99% hopelessly lost.

    We get it right 1% of the time and the rest of the time, we couldn't be any more wrong if we tried. And Robin Williams is the latest victim of that delusional thinking but he got the last laugh because he escaped this madness. If you STILL don't dig what I'm laying down, go back and reread the two quotes I used from him. The title and the opener. They are a comment on the delusional madness and politics (Which is just another branch of delusional madness but it's so powerful that it gets it gets treated as if it were a separate thing) that surround us.

    Then you might want to think about Comic Relief, which Robin did a lot of work for. Which we wouldn't need at all if life were anything like the way the anti-suicide people see it. Anyway, the point is that suicides aren't usually caused by mental illness (There are certainly some but they are a tiny minority) or depression. They are caused by being aware and paying attention. Poverty and other distasteful things like 911 are also often huge contributing factors. There is nothing crazy about it.

    Just one last thing, ma'am. Some of you are saying, "OK. Maybe it isn't crazy but it's very selfish." But what you're really saying is that you're selfish. Projecting and transferring fault. Why can't you just admit that these people who kill themselves very bravely and smartly solved every single problem life could throw at them instead of worrying about how it's going to affect you? You know, if you weren't so self-centered, there would probably far fewer suicides. I'm not saying it's your fault, I'm just saying you're to blame. So knock it off and stop being stupid. And the final last thing I have to say is this: Robin, wherever you are right now, I hope it's better.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---George Noory, WOC AM 1420
    Monday, August 11th, 2014
    7:40 am
    How Glenn Can Get On My TV
    Glenn Beck has a problem and I want to help him. That might sound kind of funny to you. First off, because Gelnn Beck has a problem? Singular? Granted. He has more problems than you can shake a stick at. Even if you had an infinite amount of sticks and an infinite amount of time. So please forgive me that poor phrasing faux pas so we can focus on just one of the problems Glenn has. The TV problem. Specifically: Glenn Beck's challenge: Getting onto your TV (http://money.cnn.com/2014/08/10/media/glenn-beck-cable/index.html?hpt=hp_t2).

    Second off, why would I help him? Why would I give aid and comfort to the enemy? Aren't I sick and tired of my critics suing me, impeaching me and charging me with High Treason and insisting that I be drawn and quartered (If you're a typical bleeding heart soft on crime Liberal, you probably don't even know what that means so here, this how we used to deal with crime in the good old days: What Does it Mean to be Drawn and Quartered? [http://www.wisegeek.org/what-does-it-mean-to-be-drawn-and-quartered.htm]) in a live Pay-Per-View special?

    Doesn't my dedicated, highly overworked legal team deserve some kind of a break? You Liberals are really something, aren't you? Don't you realize that if I give my employees an inch by treating them like people, they'll just take a mile? If I give them a little time off, the next thing you know, they'll want food, shelter, clothing, healthcare and a million other unneeded, undeserved and far too expensive luxuries that would only distract them from doing what God sent them here to do, to serve me.

    Go back to France, you socialist! Oh, since you don't understand measurements anymore than you do economics, I guess I have to explain that one inch equals 2.54 centipedes. Centimeters? Fine, whatever. And one mile equals 1.609344 Kilometers. Now you can strut all over the streets of Paris because you know what, "Give'm an inch and they'll take a mile," means.

    Can we please get back to my problem now? Which isn't really a problem at all because it's how Glenn can get on my TV and I know how to solve it. The only problem I have is that you still can't understand how I can help Glenn Beck. You know, if you aren't in the Guinness Book Of World Records for having the World's Shortest Memory, you should sue them for malpractice.

    How many times do I have to tell you that I am on Glen's side now? I have found Jesus! Until after the election because we need all the help we can get, even if it's imaginary. He (Jesus) was right there the whole time, hiding behind the couch. He congratulated me for finding Him so fast and then He turned a gallon of water into wine and we watched a The Bible (http://www.history.com/shows/the-bible) marathon on the History Channel and it was just like watching The Untouchables with Al Capone, because just like Al, Jesus kept saying things like, "They got that totally wrong!" and "I never said that!" and "If I see just one more inaccuracy, I'm gonna have the director and all the producers rubbed out!" Well, Jesus said He was going to have the director and producers struck down with lightning but it's really the same thing.

    I asked Him to turn the wine into beer but He said He couldn't because no one will give him a chance. If I understand it right, once you get typecast as a winemaker in Heaven, you can never be anything else. So I drank the wine with as much good cheer as I could muster. Then, when we got hungry, He went to kitchen and found five loaves of bread and two cans of sardines and with them, He made a seafood buffet. Well, it wasn't so much a seafood buffet as it was just bread and fish. But there was enough of it to feed at least 5000 people, so I can't complain too much.

    Anyway, the point is that I'm religious now. That means that I'm on Glenn's side. And while I still don't agree with nearly everything he says and does, I am still bound to do what Jesus told me to do. To turn the other cheek and forgive him for he knows not what he does (Oh boy, that phrase has never so fully applied to anyone more than it does to Glenn. Unless you count the rest of the Rush clones, in which case it's a twelve way tie at first place). He also made this long speech about proclaiming good news to the poor and recovering sight for the blind.

    Then He said onto me, "You know what? I hate fish. Let's order a pizza." So, to boil all this down, my sacred Mission From God is abundantly clear, I have to tell Glenn how to get on my TV. Thy will be done. Glenn needs to start by poaching all the real talent from Fox News (Here's a handy guide to them: Fox News ratings are rising, so are its anchors’ skirts [http://www.ihatethemedia.com/fox-news-anchor-babes-short-skirts-video-photo]) the same way CBS poached most of NBC's talent (http://kallmansalley.com/tag/cbs-talent-raids/).

    Then he needs to adopt the Naked News Formula (http://www.nakednews.com/). Mostly. Because he needs to go Naked News one better by giving me the content for free wherever and whenever I want it (On my TV, computer, phone, iPad, etc etc) and make his money the old fashioned way, by selling time to advertisers.

    I know it will take a little while to get to the point where advertisers are willing to pay a lot but in the meantime he'll be OK because like Jesus told me just the other day, "God blesses those who are poor and realize their need for him, for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs."

    I say that's a pretty good deal any way you slice it. He gives me naked girls delivering news and opinions and in exchange, God gives him the Kingdom Of Heaven (This sort of thing is probably illegal in Kansas and Utah, even when God does it, but I don't live in Kansas or Utah so I don't care). Even if I don't agree with the news and opinions the naked girls are giving me, I'll still watch religiously and everyone wins. Glenn gets his wish to be on my TV granted and the advertisers and girls are all happy (Because what girl wouldn't be happy with me watching her get undressed?), too. Hallelujah. Praise Jesus! Amen.

    Just one more thing, sir. Glenn, you're going to have to stop having Ted Nugent on because when naked girls are involved, he always insists on them being between the ages of 13-16 (Ted Nugent's Jailbait Problem: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/larry-womack/ted-nugents-jailbait-problem_b_4840060.html) and you can't get away with that here. Not even in Nevada. You could solve the problem by moving your studios to Europe but then people in Texas would probably stop watching because they don't like anything from Europe. And that would cost you an arm and a leg in ad revenue. So tell Ted that it was nice while it lasted but it's over now. Don't worry, he'll get over it. Or it'll be the straw that finally breaks the camel's back and makes him keep his promise to be dead or in jail in a timely manner. Whatever happens, it's his problem, not yours.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Sunday, August 10th, 2014
    10:09 am
    Offering Some Hope For The Hopeless, The Seven Day Plan
    Assuming that Global Warming doesn't render it moot by killing us all in the very near future, I have good news for all you Low Information Conservatives (Please notice I didn't call you retards this time cause I have vowed to be diplomatic for the duration of this post or until I get tired of it, whichever comes first) out there. It's not too late to repent. What you're seeing as bleak hopeless handwriting on the wall, things like this: Walmart: 'Going to a very dark place' (http://money.cnn.com/2014/07/30/news/companies/goldman-walmart-downgrade/index.html?hpt=hp_bn6&iid=obnetwork) aren't really death sentences at all.

    They are warnings. But not stupid, worthless drivel kind of warnings, the kind you find on cigarette packs. These are real warnings that you can use to save ideological lives. By changing everything you do, think and believe. I know it sounds like a lot of work. And it probably is. It's sort of like moving. From an old broken-down house that scares children and should have been declared uninhabitable forty years ago into a nice clean sturdy dwelling that will last a lifetime. But still, there's all the packing and you have to call the movers and then cancel the electricity and water at the old place and get them started at the new one. Then you have to fill out a change of address card and then notify everyone from your boss to your favorite call girl that you have moved. And so on.

    But don't look at it like that. Look at it from the perspective of leaving a toxic house to go live in a nontoxic one. And you don't have to do it all in day. Do it in small easy to manage stages. Today, stop treating your employees like slaves and start being responsive to your customers (This one is especially important if you happen to run Walmart. Or you could end up like all the stores you drove out of business, which would be poetic but not so good for you). On day two, you can stop being racist, sexist and homophobic. I know it sounds hard but lots of people give up smoking and drinking (Why they give them up, I'll never know but they do), so you can give up being a bigot. On day three, you can stop denying that Global Warming is real. And at that point you'll be about half done. In only three days!

    And it's not like you'll have to give up everything. For example, if you want to keep believing in a magical fairy who lives in the sky and once tortured his son to death so you could go to Heaven, be my guest. You can have all the religion you want. You just can't use it to deprive others of badly needed things like abortions.

    Likewise with guns. No one wants to take your guns. Mostly because we know that sooner or later, you are going to solve the problem by shooting yourself. We just want some common sense tied to our firearms policy so as few innocent people as possible get hurt in the meantime. For example, you can no longer say that blind people should be given guns (‘Blind People Need Guns’ - NRA Goes WAY Past Self-Parody: https://www.youtube.com/watch?)v=pmbDOd0Qmt4&list=UU1yBKRuGpC1tSM73A0ZjYjQ) and look at the bright side. When you stop saying it, you'll have one less reason to bow your head and say, "Yes, Ma'am or sir, I sure am" every time someone calls you a retard.

    You'll be a lot safer too, cause things like this will not be allowed: Texas may start allowing alcohol sales at some gun shows (http://www.foxnews.com/us/2014/08/09/texas-may-start-allowing-alcohol-sales-at-some-gun-shows/?intcmp=latestnews). Think about it for a minute. I know you love guns and beer but do you really want to be surrounded by drunk gun maniacs every time you go to a gun show?

    I didn't think so. See how fast you're already shedding the Retard label? You can do this. You can go all the way. In three more days, you'll well on your way to be being fully half cured. And on the seventh day, you can rest. Go ahead, take it easy, it's on me.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Red State Update: Episode 40: This Ain't My First Racist Ro
    Saturday, August 9th, 2014
    1:59 pm
    Villa Incognito And Secular Talk
    “...his wife, it seems, would very soon be escorting his sister to a certain clinic near New Delhi, where she might die with the grace and ease that every being deserves, and for which purpose God-or Mother Nature if you prefer-surely put the opium poppy on earth.”

    ― Tom Robbins, Villa Incognito


    A little earlier this week, having just finished reading Villa Incognito (http://www.randomhouse.com/book/155521/villa-incognito-by-tom-robbins and I know, I know, it's been ten years so why did I just finish it? All I can say is that I've been busy this last decade and let he who has never missed a deadline or taken a little too long to read a book cast the first stone) and the very next day, I found myself the victim of what the followers of Carl Jung would not call a coincidence. It was just like when Col. Patt Thomas went to the Chingo-do temple in Tokyo by accident.

    If you remember, and even if you don't, Patt went to the Chingo-do temple on the same day that Lisa happened to be there and likewise, I went to bed the day I finished Villa Incognito thinking about how stupid and cruel we are to the terminally ill. We are still debating Medical Marijuana...Which is miraculous but still ineffective in many cases...when we should have, dozens of years ago, made everything that might help available to the dying. If you're unsure and want to debate the merits of recreationally using those drugs, you might be able to make some kind of case against it, so I would be willing to listen to it but when you say dying people have to suffer because you're paranoid, then I say, "This debate is over." We must legalize everything, including heroin and whatever else, for everyone right now in order to protect people from your simple minded superstitions.

    That, in a nutshell, is what I was thinking that night. Then, as I sometimes do, I woke up the next morning and saw this: French Hospital Opens Wine Bar For Dying Patients (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1eI6hAKfUeA). I hope you take the time to watch that video because Kyle does an awesome job but the biggest reason you should watch it is that he explains that things like Wine Bars and Marijuana are awesome but we need to do more. Much more. It's basically the very same message that Tom delivered via Villa Incognito.

    And it's a message that all of us need to take to heart, whether we get it from a ten year old novel or a YouTube video. Or both. Let's stop making people suffer by humoring the old confused paranoid people who still think Reefer Madness (Reefer Madness (1937): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Azf320JDdqU) is a credible documentary.

    Then let's stop humoring the people who think the Law Of Large Numbers (http://www.investopedia.com/terms/l/lawoflargenumbers.asp) adequately explains unlikely coincidences. Because while the Law Of Large Numbers works for some some things, saying that it explains highly unlikely coincidences is nothing but a huge load of hogwash. Believing in Synchronicity is almost as bad but not quite because eventually it will put you on the right track. In the words of Brian Clegg, “What entanglement (and quantum theory in general) does do is remind us is that the real world is much stranger than we imagine.” And now that your hooked on the real science of unlikely coincidences, go read this article: Synchronicity and Quantum Entanglement? (http://jungcurrents.com/jung-synchronicity-and-quantum-entanglement/).

    Even though Brian reaches the wrong conclusion, it will get you going in the right direction. Ultimately, you will see that there is no difference between the Quantum and Macro worlds aside from the way we perceive them. So this is a double win for everyone. The dying can quit suffering because we no longer take little old ladies who are afraid of their own shadows and drugs seriously and we'll learn the the true cause of impossible coincidences. Move this to the top of your To Do list, cause I'm tired of waiting for both of them.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Red State Update: Episode 40: This Ain't My First Racist Ro
    Friday, August 8th, 2014
    9:59 am
    It's Friday, You Bastards
    I want to go on record right now as saying that if 35 cents per restaurant check is all it takes to give everyone a living wage (Cafe charges customers 35 cent "minimum wage fee": http://money.cnn.com/2014/08/07/news/minimum-wage-fee-diner/index.html?hpt=hp_t4), we should all be jumping and down with joy. I want to go further on record as saying that it doesn't cost 35 cents and the guy charging it is just a Low Information Conservative who feels he can score a lot of points with the elderly listeners of Bill and Rush (http://www.billoreilly.com/ & http://www.rushlimbaugh.com/) by making a big political statement by ripping off his customers.

    But, as rip-offs go, this is one we should feel glad rather than mad about. If you like the food at the Oasis Cafe, pay the 35 cents with a smile and perhaps a well framed comment or two about greedy, lazy Welfare Queens who steal from the people who are making them rich if you're so inclined. If you don't like the food, get on all the review sites, your blog and YouTube and make dozens upon dozens of well framed comments about the greedy, lazy Welfare Queens who steal from the people who are making them rich and then slam the food.

    According to the article, lots of people are already doing that on Yelp and FaceBook. And like I said, that's fine but you could have even more fun with this. You could go to the Oasis Cafe and eat and then find the owner and give him say 50 or 75 cents and a can of soup or maybe a sandwich. I'm sure any homeless shelter would love to get into the practical joke business if you gave them a small donation and then you could take whatever they're serving that day to the owner to help ease him out of poverty.

    And if you film it and put it on YouTube, it might just get a million views and generate some cash for yourself as well. Not that I think everything should be about money...No, that's a lie. I'm a capitalist. I think everything should be about money. Which is why I want everyone to be paid well (Built into that is that everyone should be given a job) and get healthcare, parental leave, plenty of vacation, etc etc etc. Because I know that when that happens, I will make a whole lot more money. And I will save a lot of money as well because I will no longer need sleeping pills and whiskey to get to sleep at night.

    I know my views sound crazy and traitorous to you Conservatives out there but that's only because you're stupid, uneducated and easily led around by the nose. I can't really do much about your innate lack of intelligence and your gullibility but I can at least try to do something about your lack of education. Allow me to take you back to 1914 for a minute: History, Henry Ford, and the minimum wage (http://www.renewamerica.com/columns/bates/060103).

    To paraphrase Archie Bunker, Mr., we could use a man like Henry Ford again. Well, sort of. Henry was a rabid antisemite who idolized Hitler and he wasn't overly fond Black people either, though he tolerated them. He was also such a huge control freak with hardcore voyeuristic tendencies that he could easily get a job with the TSA if he were still here.

    But he was smart enough to realize that if he ever wanted a shot at being in the .01%, he had to spend a little to make an obscenely huge lot. And he did. By doubling wages and creating the eight hour day. If he hadn't also been a huge racist, he would be one of my biggest heroes.

    So there you go, Conservatives. That's a huge real life proof that my side has all the brains. Not that you have to be smart because it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure this out. And if you want more proof, start studying the issue instead of stupidly repeating everything Bill and Rush tell you to say.

    Most of all, stop wasting my money by chaining me to your stupid, unworkable and counterproductive ideas. Then, make your way to the bar because it's Friday again and Fifi, my Sommelier, has been slaving away all day, creating this, tonight's Theme Drink:

    ===========================

    Pay Day

    Ingredients:

    5 ml Green Creme de Menthe
    10 ml Black Sambuca
    10 ml Green Chartreuse
    5 ml Bailey's Irish cream


    Mixing instructions:

    Start with Creme de Menthe, then layer in order, with Baileys last.

    ===========================

    Now it is time to get tonight's Featured Party Game started: Binders Full Of Girls Dressed Like Waitresses. The objective is to get them to do things for 35 cent tips. Good luck.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Red State Update: Episode 40: This Ain't My First Racist Ro
    Thursday, August 7th, 2014
    12:08 am
    It's National Root Beer Float Day, You Bastards And The Jews Have Declared War On The Nazi's
    One thing I share with Rush (http://www.rushlimbaugh.com/) is that my critics, too, say that I've jumped the shark. That I'm just contrary and negative and I say things just to get my audience all jacked up. I probably got that anywhere from a little bit to a whole lot wrong so I urge you to tune into the Nazi Station (http://www.woc1420.com/main.html) and hear it straight from the horse's mouth...Or as most people think of Rush, straight from the horse's rear end...because it's Rush's latest promo and they play it about three times every minute.

    But even if I did mangle it a lot, you still get the general idea. You also understand why I'm afraid that what I'm about to tell you will be dismissed by my critics (Whom I call the Idiot League because they are the super heroes of ignorance) as politically motivated pandering. Well, afraid isn't really the right word. "Annoyed" much better reflects how I feel about the Idiot League and all the lies they tell about me.

    Because their smear campaigns only affect the Low Information Readers, they have no effect on you. So there is no fear, only annoyance. So why don't we just forget all about the Critical Division of the Lame Street Media and concentrate on what matters? Which would be you. AKA The High Information Reader. And those of you in Amsterdam, Colorado and Washington, The Double High Information Reader.

    With all that in mind, I am now free to tell you that after careful consideration, I am changing my Official List Of Most Underrated Comedians Ever. Until just a little while ago the list went like this: George Gobel (Here's just a small sample of his work, chosen entirely at random, George Gobel - Story of Lonesome George: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VCXWv98FxYc). That's it. Just George. The reason being that he was one of the best ever and he enjoyed a whole lot of success, history has since all but forgotten him. Hence my Official List Of Most Underrated Comedians Ever. To right that wrong.

    But all that has changed. Everything is different. If you're the Madison Avenue type, you'd call it NEW AND IMPROVED. Let's take a look at all the new exciting changes. Starting with the Number One spot, we have George Gobel. Then, moving to the Number Two spot, we have Jimmy Dore (http://www.jimmydorecomedy.com/). That's it.

    Now you're going to be tempted to call me The Amazing Kreskin but please don't. I ain't no fancy big city mind reader. I'm just a simple country Prophet and that's how I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "What did Jimmy do to make the list?" And the answer can be found right here: ‘War On Whites’ Threatens Whites, Says White Racist Lying Politician (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=syCaY2KNll4).

    That's it. "The Jews have declared war on the Nazi's." It's even funnier when you consider that's the way Adolf Hitler actually saw it. It also means that we could write an entire paper on that one single joke, exhaustively comparing the Nazis' tactics to the Republicans' through the lens of Jimmy's post modern comedy. Well, you can write that paper. Especially if your thesis is due on Monday and you still haven't found a topic.

    Lucky for me, I already have all the degrees I want...It's also lucky for you, too, cause if I did need another degree, I wouldn't have given that great idea to you. But before you go lock yourself in the library, you should remember that it's National Root Beer Float Day (8/6: 6 restaurants for National Root Beer Float Day: http://www.azcentral.com/story/entertainment/dining/2014/08/06/root-beer-floats-phoenix/13632297/).

    Then you should remember that Monday is still a long way away and you have plenty of time to enjoy a few of these, the Theme Drink that Fifi, my Sommelier, invented for tonight:

    ======================================


    Root Beer Barrel Of Fun

    Ingredients:

    1 oz Vodka
    1 oz Root beer schnapps
    1 glass Root beer
    1 scoop Ice-cream on top
    Mixing instructions:

    Add 1 oz. vodka in a glass, then add 1 oz. of Root-beer schnapps, mix with Root-beer add one scoop of ice-cream at top of the glass. Enjoy.


    ======================================


    Now do you fully appreciate how far away Monday and that stupid deadline truly is? You even have plenty of time to play tonight's Featured Party Game: Binders Full Of Girls Root Beer Float Wrestling. It's a lot like mud or oil wrestling except the pool is filled with root beer and ice cream topped with whipped cream. Oh! And cherries!

    I think you're gonna like this cause root beer, ice cream, whipped cream and cherries taste a whole lot better than oil or mud. That's my predictionbut I could be wrong. Maybe you like the taste of oil and mud. But even if you do, I don't think you'll be complaining too much about the ice cream, root beer, whipped cream and cherries. Trust me, you'll like it. Then you can go lock yourself in the library and start writing.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---George Noory, WOC AM 1420
    Wednesday, August 6th, 2014
    1:22 pm
    The Same Old Expected Hypocrisy And Some Really Good News From Alabama
    If you have any lingering doubts about how actively stupid worthless, two-faced and downright dangerous the Republicans are, I want you to read this: WTF?? Did Hobby Lobby Really Fire An Employee For Being PREGNANT?! (http://perezhilton.com/perezitos/2014-07-29-hobby-lobby-fires-employee-for-taking-off-maternity-leave#.U-D58ONdUrV). And this is just the latest proof that the "Pro Life" movement is really the Anti-Woman movement. History is littered front to back and wall to wall with incidents like this.

    As usual, the thing that bothers me the most about this is that Hobby Lobby isn't going to be crucified by the Liberal Drive-By Media on the front pages of The New York Times, The L. A. Times, The Washington Post and every other major paper in the country. Nor are there going to be huge stories on CNN and the networks. They will probably report it. Eventually. In tiny little don't blink or you'll miss it pieces. And every time some retard like Sarah Palin puts together a defense of Hobby Lobby, they'll print it or broadcast it as if it were a real valid opinion that you should take seriously.

    And the end result is that the life support system keeping the GOP alive will get a little boost and it'll go on for a bit longer. The only good that will come out of it is if young women happen to notice it and it makes them decide that Abortion Is A Wonderful Choice. Really, who in their right mind would want to bring a child into a world where a company like Hobby Lobby can be Pro-Life and Anti-Child both at the same time and no one bats an eye at it?

    Abortion is such a beautiful, elegant solution to that problem. And, thank God, it's getting more popular and legal everyday. Have you seen the latest court ruling from Alabama? Dig this: Federal judge: Abortion like right to bear arms (http://www.cnn.com/2014/08/05/justice/alabama-abortion-federal-court-ruling/index.html?hpt=hp_t2). That coming right after similar good news in Wisconsin and North Dakota but this ruling is especially good because it rubs the logic of the God & Guns Clingers' logic right into their own noses.

    There's still a bit of trouble in Mississippi but time is running out for the superstitious fantasy-land dwelling children posing as grownups there, too. If you're still anti-abortion, I suggest you move to Jackson...I prefer Gulfport, myself, but they have casinos and beaches where girls shamelessly prance around practically naked and to top it all off, it is very close to New Orleans, so it would probably give you hives. Yep, y'all will be much happier in Jackson...and enjoy their Anti-Women atmosphere until it too topples and then to spare yourself untold amounts of mental anguish, you should just kill yourself.

    You can stay optimistic if you want but if you're honest, you'll admit that once Mississippi falls, everything you believe, honor and revere is never getting up again. So you might as well lay down, too. You don't want to be here when they pass laws called The Women's Health and Safety Act that actually make women healthier and safer.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Red State Update: Episode 40: This Ain't My First Racist Ro
    Tuesday, August 5th, 2014
    8:50 am
    Halfway There?
    I still believe that the human race is doomed, as opposed to the world, which will be fine no matter what we do to it, but since the mathematicians still insist that even though it has never happened, there is a chance that one day I will be wrong about something, I feel obligated to occasionally present evidence to the contrary (Which I normally call misleading nuggets of false hope that never lead anywhere, because that's what they are). And today's contradictory evidence consists of four videos.

    The first one is the most hopeful and it's entitled, Why No One Is Getting Married Anymore? (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I1gydUfd7Sg). The reason that this one rocks so much is that it seems to show that we are getting halfway close to the one thing that will scare .01% enough to start acting like real human beings. Well, aside from the torch and pitchfork bearing mobs but that really doesn't count because that will be forcing them to act like human beings and even if they do at that point, they'll probably still be killed anyway, and frankly, that's the way I would prefer to see it go down but since it's taking forever, the second best thing is frighten them without violence and the only way to do that is cut off the endless supply of free disposable slave labor.

    As Ana and Cenk pointed out, this particular story didn't delve much into birth rates but you have to figure that if masses are no longer getting married, a lower birthrate is sure to follow if it isn't already here. When we get to the point where population is going to dramatically fall worldwide, that's when we're going to see real positive change you can believe in. The other cool thing about this, is, again as Ana and Cenk pointed out, it's another major indication that religion is going to be gone faster than we could have hoped.

    It has been obvious for my entire life that religion is on the way out but even as recently as 20 years ago if you had told me I would live long enough to see the very end of it, I would have said you're crazy. Now, it seems possible. If I live to be 100, which is another 50 years from now, it's very possible I could see two generations who have no idea what church's are. Just like today's high school students don't know what dial phones and vinyl records are.

    The next one is called Surprising Group Of Politicians Declare 'War FOR Women' (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fQEJSbqSPVk&list=UU1yBKRuGpC1tSM73A0ZjYjQ) and it consists of a very small collection of watered down half measures that are better than nothing designed to convince women that the Republicans care about them. I agree with Cenk, that they should be passed because like I just said, they are better than nothing. But I hope the Democrats also seize this as an opportunity to continue proving just how much the Republicans are at war with women and leverage it into shaming them into passing many more real measures that aren't watered down.

    Then we have one that really isn't good for anyone at all but I present it as good news anyway because my Agent, Drusilla, tells me I need to say something really positive and upbeat but still downright stupid or risk not getting Nobel Prize for Hopelessly Clueless Optimism this year and I didn't win it 49 years in a row just to let it go now. So here goes: This is further proof positive that no one should ever vote for a Republican under any circumstances (Some people joke about this, but yes, I would vote for Charlie Manson if the alternative were a Republican. Because compared to them, Charlie is a fine and decent man. He hasn't done even a tiny fraction of the evil things Mitt Romney has done. And that's just one example and I know the Democrats are nearly as bad but that tiny edge gets my vote every time) and it will make everyone finally realize it and this year the election is going to turn out better than any of us could ever have hoped for. The very end of the GOP.

    Our final good news video of the day is this one: Startup Offering "A Man, But Better" Launches In San Francisco (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zg0YHmIz8n8&list=UU1yBKRuGpC1tSM73A0ZjYjQ). This one is awesome for a couple of different reasons. First, as Ana pointed out, it's obviously about sex even though they old fashionedly claim that it doesn't have anything to do with sex. The other reason that it's awesome escapes me now because Ana also said that if she hired a really hot guy to serve her, she would want him to order her around. I hope no one ruins her fantasy by telling her that there are plenty of guys who would pay her for that arrangement but anyway...Well, like I said the rest escapes me because when Ana said she wanted to be ordered around, everything else kind of went dim and I also forgot the whole section I was going to do on how none of this really matters because Global Warming is going to exterminate us anyway and the bottom line is I need to go take a cold shower now.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Monday, August 4th, 2014
    9:21 am
    Ted and Other Truth Dodgers
    It is amazing what you can get away with when the majority of your fans are senile and the Liberal Drive-By Media is dedicated to neutrality to the extent that all you have to do is make up facts and they will pretend that you have a valid opinion. If you don't believe me, take a look at this: Ted Nugent clears up a few things (http://www.glennbeck.com/2014/08/01/ted-nugent-clears-up-a-few-things/).

    Do you understand now? Ted isn't a mentally challenged bigot who offends everyone but the senile old men who have been trying to learn how to play Wango Tango (//www.youtube.com/watch?v=LqFUEcM9wR0) since they were fourteen years old. He's a patriot. But he's not just a patriot. No, no, no. He's also a hero to and champion of the Native Americans.

    Just like he's a hero to and champion of women's rights. I know that didn't come up in the interview you just saw but trust me, it's true. If you don't trust me, take a look at the cover of Love Grenade (http://www.idolator.com/339169/the-worst-album-cover-of-2007-revealed-budding-art-directors-take-note, scroll down a little to see both the American and Japanese versions). So someday soon, expect to see some women's rights organization somewhere get some of Ted's concerts canceled. The same way the mean, misguided and ungrateful Native Americans did.

    Oh, that didn't come up in the interview, either. Ted has had two more concerts canceled by a Native American Tribe (More Ted Nugent Shows Canceled by Indian Tribe: http://www.billboard.com/articles/news/6191436/more-ted-nugent-shows-canceled). I don't think it was Glenn's fault. When you only have a short time for an interview, you can't get everything in. Especially when you have to spend so much time explaining what a good non-racist guy Ted is because so many people stubbornly prefer to believe the overwhelming preponderance of the evidence instead of his own propaganda.

    You also have to give him a chance to share his hearsay story about the smelly protesters at his concerts while tactfully avoiding his own verifiable history of especially noxious and self inflicted body odor (Patriotic American Ted Nugent Shit His Pants to Avoid the Draft: http://gawker.com/5983634/patriotic-american-ted-nugent-shit-his-pants-to-avoid-the-draft).

    And you won't see any of this on the front pages of any major and even most of the minor news outlets. Such is the nature of The Liberal Drive-By Media. But it doesn't begin and end with Ted. Mr. Nugent, much like his musical career, is in fact just a minor side show in the Media Circus.

    The big-time acts are things like the continued failure of Republican led governments to do anything right. And to learn about them, you have to go beyond the Liberal Drive-By Media. You have to go to places like The Young Turks (https://www.youtube.com/user/TheYoungTurks). There you will find stories like this: Gov Says No To Obamacare, Then Blames Obama (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IL0EoayreYA&list=UU1yBKRuGpC1tSM73A0ZjYjQ).

    And this, Satanists Use Hobby Lobby Decision Against Pro-Life Propaganda (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dYHE6HPeYws&list=UU1yBKRuGpC1tSM73A0ZjYjQ). I could stay here all day giving you more and more examples but you get the idea. The Young Turks brand of journalism (There are many great people doing it but the Turks do it best) is what you need. They don't tolerate Truth Dodgers and won't hesitate to run headlines like this: Religious Lunacy Of All Kinds Has Real World Consequences (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VYH4aYb7IAU&list=UU1yBKRuGpC1tSM73A0ZjYjQ).

    And that's all I have to say today. Um, except for just one last thing, ma'am. Have you seen this one yet? Impeach Obama? We Never Said That! - CUE THE TAPE! (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZlmCUeITgo&list=UU1yBKRuGpC1tSM73A0ZjYjQ). There. That's how you deal with liars who deny reality. Glenn, maybe you should watch it twice.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    9:20 am
    We Just Keep Making More Mud
    Will things in this country ever really improve until videos like this, CEO Pay Is A Massive Scam, This Chart Proves It (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PnyT3ukfLBQ&list=UU1yBKRuGpC1tSM73A0ZjYjQ&index=15) start getting around 50 million views a week?

    Maybe. I mean, Wolf PAC (http://www.wolf-pac.com/) is making a lot of progress and that's great. As Cenk always says, that's the most important thing. But I was hoping that by now, New York or Illinois would be added to Vermont and California (This isn't really pertinent but I love the way they put the states that have signed on in red on the map). I don't like this slump. But if videos like the one above could get 50 million views in one week, wouldn't it be nearly as effective?

    What this fight really seems to boil down to is what Rush (http://www.rushlimbaugh.com/) calls the Low Information Voters. Of course, Rush uses the term in a very surreal kind of way to describe people who know what is going on but that doesn't diminish the accuracy of the sentiment. You just have to separate Rush's Bizarro World (For you people who so old that you don't even remember the 1960's: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=bizarro%20world) definition from reality.

    And wouldn't getting 50 million views a week on important videos that normally get maybe 100,000 in a month, go a long way towards curing the problem of the Low Information Voter? Maybe we could even get something done about Global Warming before it's too late. Not to mention gaining full employment, universal healthcare and the near eradication of poverty.

    The most depressing thing about all this is that we have the knowledge and the means to do all that and more but we simply don't. Just like we quit going to the Moon for no good reason, we continue on a path where when it comes to war, money is never an object but the minute we want to actually help people and improve life for everyone, it instantly gets mired down in pointless debates about money, morals, ethics and everything else you can think of and it's nearly impossible to make any progress.

    The human race is bogged down in the mud and instead of getting out the winch, we make more mud. All because a few elderly stupid people...I will politely not mention any names but if you want to place a face on this group, here you go: http://www.woc1420.com/onair/jim-fisher-1936/...still somehow have a stranglehold on us.

    The Welfare Queen oil companies, defense contractors and overpaid CEO's of every other industry continue to profit while everyone else suffers. For no other reason than Low Information Voters.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
[ << Previous 20 ]
About Blurty.com