Greg's Blurty
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Greg's Blurty:

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    Monday, December 22nd, 2014
    3:19 am
    It's The Seventh Day Of Hanukkah, You Bastards
    For the Seventh time this week, cause it's Day Seven of Hanukkah, Happy Hanukkah and Shalom!

    This, so far, is the hardest day of Hanukkah, 2014. Do you have any idea how hard you are to buy for? Finding seven perfect gifts for you is just as difficult as figuring out the key to perpetual motion. Except it's harder. And this isn't even the last day. There's still one day left.

    I'll sure be glad when Xmas gets here cause it will be done in one night. And then nothing for another whole year...Um, except for your birthday. Which I would never forget. Never in a million years. But, speaking of a million years, aren't you to the point where the best gift I could give you is to just pretend that your birthday doesn't exist? I'm not saying you're old or anything, I'm just saying think it over.

    Valentine's Day? Um, yeah, that's another one I would never forget. But since you brought it up, are you sure that it even exists? Isn't it kind of like Big Foot? People talk about it a lot but have you ever seen it? Is there any video proof that hasn't been Photoshopped? Would any amount of flowers, cards, candy and jewelry make up for the fact that it's an imaginary holiday? Think it over.

    In the meantime, let's get back to the Hanukkah problem. I don't know how I did it but I did. I came up with yet another perfect present for you, a self-help video that you really need:

    7 Things To Hide When Your Parents Visit For The Holidays

    If you watched carefully, you know that it was Hannah and John who said that you are nothing but an embarrassment and disappointment to your parents, not me. I'm just the messenger here, so please remember that if you're getting the urge to yell and throw things. I think your parents should be proud of you and I gave you the video to maintain that ruse.

    Oh, and if you're a parent yourself, don't watch the video because it'll just give you ideas you shouldn't have. Remember, snooping and spying are beneath you! And it's completely unnecessary anyway because your kids have nothing to hide. And now that we're all on the same page and no one is mad at me, let's have a drink to celebrate. Here's the Theme Drink that Fifi, my Sommelier, invented for tonight:


    Mom And Dad Are Coming To Town


    1/2 oz Coffee liqueur (Tia Maria)
    1/2 oz Irish cream (Carolan's)
    1/2 oz Cognac (Remy)
    12 oz Coffee
    Whipped cream
    1 dash Orange liqueur (Grand Mariner)

    Mixing instructions:

    Take a warm beer mug with handle. Put in the liquor. Fill with coffee. Top with whipped cream dashing a little Orange liqueur on top. Serve with a straw.


    That has practically no alcohol in it...A little liqueur and brandy but does that really count?...but does it matter since it's mostly coffee and no one in their right mind will drink it anyway? Mull that over while we play tonight's Featured Party Game: Binders Full Of Girls Looking For Gelt.

    Again, I don't want to ruin the surprise, so I'm not going to tell you where they going to look. I will, however, put your mind at ease by assuring you it's Kosher. Shabbat Shalom!

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---George Knapp , WOC AM 1420
    Sunday, December 21st, 2014
    10:15 am
    It's The Sixth Day Of Hanukkah, You Bastards
    For the Sixth time this week, cause it's Day Six of Hanukkah, Happy Hanukkah and Shalom!

    This one is likely to cause some confusion among you amateur detectives out there and I don't even want to speculate on what those jackals at TMZ ( would do with it UNLESS set the record straight beforehand. So that's what I'm going to do right now.

    On December 13 of this year, I posted It's Song Saturday, You Bastards ( wherein I played a song said that was the last song I would be posting in 2014. My friend Martin (, in a comment, said, "OH PUHLEEZE you will post another song this year!"

    And now, without this explanation, you might be tempted to say he was right and I was wrong. That's what I'm nipping in the bud. You see, what I am about to show you might seem like a song but it is not a song at all. It is your Day Six Hanukkah/Xmas present. I had to go to twelve different stores to find exactly what I was looking for. I hope it's the right size:

    Christmas In A Beer Joint

    Now I don't know if Jackie and Dunlap are going to get double Karma Points for this or any Karma Points at all for that matter. That's between their mangers and lawyers and the Karma Registry. I just know that my contract gives me double points, minus my Agent's 10%. Because it counts as both a Hanukkah AND a Christmas present. But the only thing you really need to know is that Martin was completely wrong and I was completely right.

    I'm sorry if you bet on him but look at it philosophically. You just learned a lesson that is a million times more valuable than whatever amount of money you just lost: Never ever bet against me. You are now money poor but wisdom rich. And if you like coffee, you can drown any remaining sorrows in this, the Theme Drink that Fifi, my Sommelier, invented for tonight:


    Nes Gadol Haya Sham


    2 oz Coffee brandy
    2 oz Light rum
    4 oz strong, black Coffee
    2 tsp Powdered sugar

    Mixing instructions:

    Combine and stir all ingredients in a brandy snifter. Add cracked ice and serve.


    If you feel the same way about coffee that I do, you've just been screwed twice but look at it this way, this a golden opportunity for you to learn that beer is the perfect drink. If you bet on me and love coffee, you should go out and buy a lottery ticket because this is the luckiest day you are ever likely to have.

    And whether you won you or lost the song bet, you still win this, tonight's Featured Party Game: Binders Full Of Girls Playing Strip Dreidels. Barukh ata Adonai Eloheinu melekh ha'olam hamotzi lehem min ha'aretz! Technically, that means, "Thanks, God, for the bread!" But it works just as well for this because God knows you're not eating bread but looking at naked girls, so it works just as well.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Red State Update: Episode 40: This Ain't My First Racist Ro
    Saturday, December 20th, 2014
    8:15 am
    It's The Fifth Day Of Hanukkah, You Bastards
    For the Fifth time this week, cause it's Day Five of Hanukkah, Happy Hanukkah and Shalom!

    Well, that's all I have for this one so I'll just be going now...No. Wait a second. I wanted to to tell you about why I suspended my Universal Coffee Ban for the duration of Hanukkah yesterday ( And I think that even though this is already a pretty long post, we just might have enough room to squeeze it in. So I'm going to try.

    It happened on Wednesday night. I was in bed, relaxing and minding my own business. It always works that way. The more innocent you are, the more you are victimized. How was I victimized? Hold on, I'm getting to it. Like I said, I was just laying there, relaxing and reading.

    A while back I started Män Som Hatar Kvinnor...Those of you not in Sweden probably know it as The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo ( And that's what it says on my copy, too, because I'm not an intellectual snob. I don't want to make anyone feel bad just because they were too lazy and unmotivated to better themselves by learning Swedish, so I'm reading the translation.

    That bit of self-sacrifice alone should be enough to insure me a smooth trouble free existence but no. Life doesn't work that way. The first law governing this Universe decrees that no good deed goes unpunished. The second law states that all good things are merely bad things in disguise.

    We should probably be grateful we only have two laws but I have higher standards than that. I also have an uncontrollable sense of concern for all my fellow human beings. Even the total jerks. That's why I've been worried about my Conservative Base these past few days. They've been all but totally silent lately. Revealed thoughts is pretending to be a man now---or vice versa, I'm still not sure---and she speaks up once in a while but that's it. The rest are deathly quiet.

    And you know, at their age...Well, you've seen the commercial where the little old lady trips and starts whining, "I've fallen, and I can't get up!" When they are deathly quiet, they just might be literally dead. So I've been thinking about them a lot lately, including Wednesday night as I was reading. I wondered what they were thinking.

    Then, out of the blue, right there at the bottom of page 173, Mikael Blomkvist received an email from that read, "I HOPE YOU SUCK COCK IN THE SLAMMER YOU FUCKING COMMIE PIG." You can say that's proof that God does exist if you want. You'll be wrong because there is no God but it's a free country, so knock yourself out.

    The truth is that someone or something out there keeps sending me messages like that but it's not God because there is no God. You can debate what it is all you want but the only thing that really matters is that now I know my frail old Conservative Base is OK and eloquent and classy as ever. So I said, "So that's what they're thinking! Exactly the same old things!"

    Suzette, my Chef De Cuisine and Chief Executive Officer In Charge Of Domestic Bliss, turned to me and said, "Dear, it's a book, not a telephone. The characters can't hear you. The same way the people on TV, web sites and radio shows can't. How many times do I have to explain that to you?"

    That was my cue to take a bottle or two of sleeping pills and go immediately to sleep but I didn't. Instead, I talked to her. I know you're thinking that I don't deserve any sympathy because when you go sky diving without a parachute, you should expect a rough landing and you're right. But don't forget that I'm not asking for sympathy. I'm merely telling you what happened.

    It started out OK. I told her, for the millionth time, that yes, they can hear me and that's why I keep yelling at them. But this time, I wasn't even yelling, I was just making a quiet statement. She shook her head and, knowing she had lost again, changed the subject by asking me how my day was. So I told her about how much it sucked spending all day in Havana with Minx for the third day in a row. Minx is my secretary. That's when the conversation began to quickly deteriorate.

    Things got even worse when I mentioned that on Friday, I took Minx to Paris. Did you know that the Eiffel Tower is open again and the ice skating rink is up again ( Minx did. That's why I had to take her to Paris. To ice skate. As if we don't have ice here.

    But Suzette didn't see that the point was that my last few days totally sucked. All she said was, "Every time I ask you to take me to Paris, or Tokyo or Madrid or anywhere else, you're always too busy. And you're still suspended! You didn't have to go to work!" She didn't say it nicely, either. I know it's not entirely her fault because she suffers from chronic full-time PMS but you would think she'd be able to control it at least a little bit by now.

    And the fact that for some imaginary reason, she doesn't like Minx all that much to begin with didn't help. You can probably guess most of the rest. Suzette decided to start a huge fight right at that moment for no reason at all. And right before she stormed out of the room---again for no reason at all---she happened to mention that she was going to the kitchen for more coffee. That's when I reminded her that, per me, she is not allowed to drink coffee.

    That's when she dumped what was left in her cup over my head, while saying a bunch of things in both French and English that I can't repeat here. And that's was when I decided to have pity on her and suspend my Universal Coffee Ban until Hanukkah is over. And I applied it to everyone. So that's why you may drink coffee again.

    All because a little French girl has a case of PMS that just won't go away. You're welcome. You're so welcome for this, the Theme Drink that Fifi, my Sommelier, invented for tonight:


    V'al Hanissim


    1 cl Kahlua
    1 cl Bailey's irish cream
    1 1/2 Frangelico
    4 cl hot Coffee

    Mixing instructions:

    Build into a suitable glass, with no ice. Cream on top if wanted. Served directly.


    Yuck. Did I ever tell you how I feel about coffee ( Well, just in case I wasn't clear, I don't like it. I can't wait til this dumb holiday is over and you can't drink it again. At least the rest of tonight is going to be OK. Tonight's Featured Party Game is: Binders Full Of Girls Kneeling To Eat The Forbidden Flesh.

    It's just like when the Greek soldiers in Modiin made the Jews bow down to an idol and eat pork. Except there are no idols and no pork. That might sound confusing but I don't have time to issue a Spoiler Alert and I don't want to ruin the surprise, so you'll just have to wait a few minutes and see it for yourself. Mazel Tov!

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Red State Update: Episode 40: This Ain't My First Racist Ro
    Friday, December 19th, 2014
    5:13 am
    It's Friday, The Fourth Day Of Hanukkah, You Bastards
    For the Fourth time this week, cause it's Day Four of Hanukkah, Happy Hanukkah and Shalom!

    Congratulations on making it halfway through Hanukkah, 2014! Smoke 'em if You Got 'em! Even if they're Cuban, because for the first time since 1962, they're legal here (Cuban Cigars Are Now Legal in the U.S.: I'm not taking credit for that, you understand, because I really didn't do much. I just went to Havana a few times on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday and then reported back to the White House.

    Somehow, though, the official scorekeepers down at the Karma Registry got the idea that I did all the work. So I got all the Karma points for getting you Cuban cigars back. Then I got extra bonus points because I'm still suspended with full pay...I didn't have time to find one of my old posts that tells the whole story but if you scroll through the archives, you can find it. In the meantime, the short version is that in early February, 2013, my boss, the Chief, asked me to topple the government of Toronto and I did (Toronto voters to replace disgraced mayor; but his brother is in the race: The Chief, instead of giving me a raise and a bonus for doing such a good job, claimed that he said Tobago, not Toronto. Then, when it nearly caused another world war, he suspended me with full pay because he claimed it was all my fault...and technically, I didn't have to go to work at all.

    One other thing you need to know, just in case you don't have time to dig up and read my original reports, is that the Chief is a nice guy but he is also a Tagamet addict. He claims I give him ulcers---In much the same way all pot smokers claim to have Glaucoma---but like all junkies, he's just transferring the blame for all his problems onto innocent victims like me.

    So, to avoid causing undo duress to the nice people at the Karma Registry, who have better things to do than correct my Karma Score, I am taking full credit for giving you Cuban Cigars. I know you feel the same way and that's why you won't go down there and start blabbing.

    To reward you for being so thoughtful to our hard working civil servants, I am also making the Cuban cigars your Day Four Hanukkah present. But that's not all. For some reason, possibly due to a recent conversation with Suzette, my Chef De Cuisine and Chief Executive Vice President In Charge Of Domestic Bliss, that I'll tell you about tomorrow because we don't have time for it today, I am feeling very generous today.

    That's why I am also lifting my Universal Coffee Ban ( for the duration of Hanukkah, 2014! This is doubly good if you like Cuban coffee, cause I made it legal, too. So enjoy it all you want for the next four days but keep in mind that when Hanukkah is over, you are once again forbidden to consume, posses or manufacture coffee. Per me. Under the authority vested in me by The Roswell Treaty Of 1947 as signed your President Truman, who was acting on behalf of all the governments of Earth.

    You might as well start with this, the Theme Drink that Fifi, my Sommelier, invented for today:


    A Hanukkah Kiss


    3/4 oz Bailey's Irish cream
    3/4 oz Coffee liqueur (Kahlua)
    Hot Coffee
    Whipped cream

    Mixing instructions:

    Pour Baileys and Kahlua into Irish coffee glass, fill glass with hot coffee and top with whipped cream.


    Now are you ready for tonight's Featured Party Game: Binders Full Of Girls Kugel Wrestling. This is pretty much the same as Jello Wrestling, except Kugel is used instead of Jello. It may seem a bit strange at first, what with all the noodles ending up in strange places but trust me, you'll like it. Yascher Koach!

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Thursday, December 18th, 2014
    7:48 am
    It's The Third Day Of Hanukkah, You Bastards
    For the third time this week, cause it's Day Three of Hanukkah, Happy Hanukkah and Shalom!

    Giving you four gifts yesterday that count as eight (Because it's both Xmas and Hanukkah. The whole process is explained here: felt so good that I'm going to do it again today.

    This gift giving thing is awesome. I'm starting to fear, though, that it should come with a SURGEON GENERAL WARNING, because it feels like it might be addicting. Why else would I be doing it two days in a row? And if it has the power to hook me, imagine what it could do to someone as weak and easily led as you.

    They say that cigarettes are not just addicting but that they are more so than heroin but not for me. I've been smoking three packs a day since 1980 and they have no control over me whatsoever but the fact that they say they are worse than heroin reminds me that you regular mortal people do have problems with addiction and now that I feel gift giving getting a hold on me, it makes me fear for you.

    So if you decide to try this gift giving thing at home, kids, remember to use caution and treat it with respect. Go easy and be careful. If you get hooked, the government will just start taxing it like crazy and then you'll really be screwed. And don't give in to peer pressure. When all your little friends and Madison Avenue tell you, "It is more blessed to give than to receive," just say NO!

    That doesn't apply when you're shopping for me but in all other cases, make JUST SAY NO your God. As usual, I'm setting a good example by only giving you four more presents today. It would be only one but the double Karma Points offer is just too good to pass up. Moderation is a loser's game in this climate.

    Are you ready for your present yet? You're going to love this one. Unless you're against suicide and since no one said anything negative about what I said about it on Tuesday (, I'm assuming that you've finally seen the light and are now OK with it.

    So here you go: Fox News Reporter Dies of Apparent Suicide ( Is that awesome or what? There is now one less FOX News reporter AND one less person to vote for Republicans.

    The best part is that this guy was only 43---Which means he could have voted in lots of elections if he had decided to keep living. Unless he was going to die soon anyway, which is possible because the article hints at it but what really matters is that a little more dead weight is no longer hanging around our necks.

    The most important thing is that I get double Karma Points for showing it to you. And now for two more well deserved Karma Points, here is my Sommelier, Fifi, with the Theme Drink she invented for today:


    Antiochus' Revenge


    1 oz Rumple Minze
    1 oz Tequila
    1 oz Jägermeister
    1 oz Firewater

    Mixing instructions:

    Shake all ingredients with ice and strain into glass. Burns like fire and tastes like Xmas.


    OK, that's two gifts for you and four Karma Points for me and we're not even done yet. Here is Gift #3 for you and my 6th Karma Point, tonight's Featured Party Game: Binders Full Of Girls Rubbing Each Other Down With Olive Oil.

    If you look carefully, you'll see that there are 16 girls and only one cruse of olive oil. Will it be enough to cover all 16 girls? Pray for a Hanukkah miracle!

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Wednesday, December 17th, 2014
    5:10 am
    It's The Second Day Of Hanukkah, You Bastards
    For the second time this week, cause it's Day Two of Hanukkah, Happy Hanukkah and Shalom!

    I have a surprise for you today. I'm not going to talk about politics...Even though I could go on and on for days on what a huge loser Jeb Bush is and what a huge mistake it would be to put him in the White House (Jeb Bush's long campaign begins?: I'm not even going to go on and on about what a great thing suicide is because I didn't say nearly good enough things about it yesterday (

    Nor am I going to talk about Climate Change and remind you again that Sarah Palin has finally admitted it's real ( though 2014 is even more solidly on track to become the warmest year ever.

    I am just going to get into the holiday spirit by giving you a gift. A Day Two Hanukkah and early Xmas present (I was going to write out Christmas but I recently found out that a lot of ignorant Christians are offended by Xmas because they're too stupid to realize that Xmas actually comes from the Bible and you know me, I can never pass up a good opportunity to offend an ignorant Christian), so it officially counts as two presents.

    Even if you're Hindu. Or an Atheist. Or anything else. The religion of the recipient or lack thereof, doesn't enter into it. Down at the Karma Registry, they're going to record this as two gifts from me to you, even if you worship your kitchen floor. You Oversight Committee members who say it's double dipping and thus a breach of ethics can just save your breath cause you're clearly wrong. And if you foolishly pursue the matter, you'll just lower your own already decimated Karma accounts.

    So that's up to you. While the OC members mull it over, the rest of you can unwrap your present, Margret Dunning. Well, to be super technical about it, I'm not actually giving her to you cause that would be slavery and the Godless Heathen Liberals say that's illegal now, but I am introducing her to you:

    Margret Dunning interview @ The Glenmoor Gathering of Significant Automobiles

    Did you get that? Even if you aren't into classic cars, you gotta marvel at the fact that she was 102 when she gave that interview. She'll be 105 next June 26 and there are more recent interviews you can watch that show she still has it all together. Most people who are over 100 just don't give good interviews because they act like Ronald Reagan. And this is the first time I've seen one of them drive a car. And not just any car. If you've ever driven a car that old, you know what I mean. They are fun but they aren't exactly user friendly. Especially when you're 102.

    Now let's celebrate me getting double credit for that one present by having a drink! Here's the Theme Drink that Fifi, my Sommelier, invented for today:


    Ma’Oz Tzur


    1/2 oz Whiskey
    2 oz Orange juice
    1 oz Rum
    1 oz Vodka

    Mixing instructions:

    Shake all ingredients adding less or more orange juice to taste. Serve in shot glass.


    By the way, that counts as gift #3 and here is gift #4, tonight's Featured Party Game: Binders Full Of Girls Dripping Candle Wax All Over Each Other.

    If you're wondering how this is in any way related to Hanukkah, just chill out. The candles are in Menorahs. And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go add up all my new Karma points. L'chaim!

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Red State Update: Episode 40: This Ain't My First Racist Ro
    Tuesday, December 16th, 2014
    5:06 am
    It's The First Day Of Hanukkah, You Bastards
    Happy Hanukkah and Shalom!

    I wish we had more, or even some, time to spend on Hanukkah. But we don't. Maybe we can get back to it a little at the end but don't count on it. And find someone else to blame cause it's not my fault that this story broke today: N.C. teen's hanging death ruled a suicide; mother says it was a lynching (

    Just like you, when I read the headline, I determined that it was just another hysterical mother who can't accept that her kid had the food sense to himself. But then, after I read the details, I did a 180 and now conclude it was a lynching just like the mother says. This was a black kid dating a white woman in North Carolina. But wait, there's more. He had already been harassed because of it. Someone has already been arrested for desecrating his grave. The family insists that the shoes he was found wearing are not his, in fact they are two sizes too small and the shoes he was wearing have vanished. The belts he used for the noose are not his. No one can figure out how he attached the belts to the swing-set frame and then placed his neck in the noose because the swing-set is more than 7 feet high and he was only 5-9. The lady who found him managed to get him down all by herself, thereby destroying a lot of crucial evidence. The local law enforcement and the local medical examiner are both screaming, "Nothing to see here! Move along!" There are a couple of other fishy things, too, but those are the high spots. Can we say, "This is the Emmett Till case all over again. Again, because they still happen all the time?" For those of you who don't know who Emmett Till was, here:!.

    Now you already know how I feel about suicide but just in case you don't, I'll say it again---This is why we have the red Controversial warning on this one. What I am about to say is going to drive a lot of you into uncontrollable fits of rage---There is nothing crazy about suicide. There is absolutely nothing selfish about it, either. It is not wrong. Suicide has no downsides! It's the only truly sane reaction a person can have to being stuck here because there is nothing good about life. It's horrible, futile and meaningless. And you can throw all the usual arguments at me---Sunsets are pretty! Pizza tastes good! Puppies are cute! and on and on and on---And even though I agree with all of them, they are still useless and you are still wasting your breath because they are all SUBJECTIVE and no matter how hard you try, you can not come up with what you need to win this fight, one OBJECTIVE reason that proves life is good and worth living. You simply can't do it. So you lose. Again. Because you can't win. But keep trying anyway because your efforts amuse me.

    So, if Lennon Lacy had really killed himself, I would say, "Good for you, kid," and let it go at that. But this wasn't suicide. It was murder. At least that's what all the evidence says thus far and that's why I'm saying, "This is not cool!" If you're one of my Conservative readers who thinks that this is just one more example of how Black people are always angry for no reason, you can take a lot of comfort in knowing that there is a 90% chance the murderers will get away scot-free.

    The rest of us can just shake our heads and say, "It's too bad but this is the way it almost always happens, so it's no big shock." We also won't be a bit shocked when President Obama does absolutely nothing to help. Just as when we won't be shocked when all the Conservatives say that proves he hates white people.

    Are you ready to launch the first day of Hanukkah with a drink yet? Good. Because while I have a good million pages worth of things left to say about issues like life, death, murder, suicide and racism, I really don't want to go on because the whole thing disgusts me so much. So let's bring out Fifi, my Sommelier, so she can introduce the Theme Drink she invented for today:


    Hanukkah Hangover


    2 oz Absolut Kurant
    1 oz Bailey's irish cream
    2 oz Gin
    1 oz Johnnie Walker

    Mixing instructions:

    Pour the ingredients in a big glass and your done. Shake it don't stir.


    Before we go on, I have to do a shout-out to my friend, Glenn ( Hi, Glenn! Did you notice today's Google Doodle? It's a birthday salute to Wassily Kandinsky! There isn't one word about Hanukkah, God or even Jesus...Jesus was Jewish, you know, so wouldn't it have been nice if Google acknowledged it? Do you remember how angry it made you when they ignored Easter? Why don't you fix the problem by ranting and raving about it today to your 16 listeners? Just like you fixed the Easter problem.

    OK, that's enough for the shout out. I just hope Glen reads it before he goes on the air this morning. Now it's time for today's Featured Party Game: Binders Full Of Girls Demonstrating How They Got Kicked Out Of The Synagogue Just For Playing With Their Dreidels.

    Oh, don't worry about the girls because they were immediately accepted into the Synagogue of Satan ( But, lucky for you, they are here today! L'Chayim!

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Monday, December 15th, 2014
    7:24 am
    Where's The Outrage?
    Because I really want to understand you, this is yet another appeal to those of you in my Conservative Base. You keep telling me you're the common sense grownups with all the answers and I don't understand anything. Economics, civil rights, freedom, you name it, I don't understand it. Just recently, you told me that I don't understand racism because I say Jim Wheeler is racist ( In fact, I completely agree with Stephen Colbert on the issue (Colbert Demands Nevada Assemblyman Jim Wheeler 'Punch Himself In The Balls' After Slavery Comments (VIDEO):

    But no. According to you, if MLK were alive today, he would be a huge Jim Wheeler supporter. I still disagree but you keep defending your position with iron clad logic that usually runs along these lines, "Shut up! You're just stupid!" That does very little to light my lantern, as my friends in France would put it, but like I just said, I really want to understand you and that's why today I'm asking, "Where is your outrage over Andy Harris, "the smug prick Maryland Republican congressman," who's trying to subvert the will of the voters in Washington, DC (Our Dumb Congress Blocked D.C.'s Democratically Enacted Pot Legalization:

    What? You don't know how to read? I'm sorry. I keep forgetting that because you're usually so wise, well spoken and eloquent that it seems like you read 50 books a day. You should tattoo "ILLITERATE THIRD GRADE DROPOUT" on your forehead to help me remember. What? You can't afford a tattoo because you're an unemployed Welfare Queen because the Blacks, Gays and Women are holding you back? I keep forgetting that, too. You are so disadvantaged and downtrodden.

    So forget the article that you can't read and watch the video:

    Congress To D.C. Voters: No Democracy For You

    So there you go, you freedom loving Conservatives who want the government out of your life. Am I going to start seeing your outrage over this now? Are going to start demanding that Andy Harris be impeached for denying the will of the voters? Or are you going to do your usual two-faced tap dance about how this is different?

    Or will this be the time that you finally admit that you're nothing but a racist thug who doesn't understand anything and you're totally controlled by your handlers? OK, Conservatives, the ball is in your court, so that means it's time to either admit the truth for once or go hide under your bed like you have every time in the past.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Sunday, December 14th, 2014
    7:29 am
    This Week's Sermon
    Now listen, you rich people, weep and wail because of the misery that is coming on you.

    Your wealth has rotted, and moths have eaten your clothes.

    Your gold and silver are corroded. Their corrosion will testify against you and eat your flesh like fire. You have hoarded wealth in the last days.

    Look! The wages you failed to pay the workers who mowed your fields are crying out against you. The cries of the harvesters have reached the ears of the Lord Almighty.

    ~~~James 5:3~~~

    Greetings! Peace and grace be unto you. I didn't come here to preach...What? It's Sunday again???...Well, OK, then. I guess I did come here to preach. And now I don't have to start by asking you what you're doing in my chapel on Wednesday afternoon cause the consensus is it's Sunday morning.

    Unless it really is Wednesday afternoon like I thought it was. I will check that later. Not because I think you're too dumb to know what day it is...Well, OK, it is because of that but don't take it the wrong way. Just be grateful that I am here again to save your soul.

    And since Jimbo already jumped the gun a little by putting his two cents in right there at the top, I might as well say that this week is mostly for you wealthy folks in the expensive seats, so you need to quit rattling your jewelry, sit up straight and start listening. I don't want you poor folks in the cheap seats to leave or anything but since most of this doesn't concern you, you can go back to taking selfies and playing Grand Theft Auto and sexting your degenerate friends on your infernal iPad machines.

    Yes, Charles And David Koch and the Walton Family, et al, I mean you. Did y'all dig what Jimmy was laying down? Especially this part, "Look! The wages you failed to pay the workers who mowed your fields are crying out against you. The cries of the harvesters have reached the ears of the Lord Almighty."

    It is true that a little later on in the Good Book, the poor folks are told, "Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD (Psalms 27:14)," but we know that they don't always wait for the Lord. Sometimes they observe this Golden Rule, "God helps those who help themselves," which is not from the Bible but comes from Aesop's Fables but isn't one book of fairy-tales as good as another?

    Especially when the people you've stolen from and abused finally wake up and begin hacking you to death with dull swords? You think that can't happen? I refer you to the French Revolution. Then I refer you to this:

    America Is Now One Party Rule & You’re Not Invited

    Did you pay extra special close attention to what Wes said about one of the Rothschild's told him? That if the poor knew just how much money they have and how they got it, they would be killed? That's the essence of my message for you today: Repent before it's too late!

    OK, now you poor stupid folks, the Conservatives who comment on my Blogster, the 2 Nomads, the Dark Fury's and the frightenedoutofher mind'sthoughts, etc etc, of the world, you need to put down your infernal iPad machines, too, and start listening. Because you useful idiots, aiders and abettors aren't going to come out of this any better than the Koch s, the Walton's and the Rothschild's, et al. Because you are just as guilty as they are. Thus, you have a lot of repenting to do as well before mobs of angry people start chopping you to bits. Don't just sit there, get to it!

    OK, I think that's plenty for a Wednesday afternoon or a Sunday morning...We won't know for sure until I do some checking and make a final Amen, God Bless and HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Red State Update: Episode 40: This Ain't My First Racist Ro
    Saturday, December 13th, 2014
    8:09 am
    It's Song Saturday, You Bastards
    Can you believe it's Song Saturday already? This one really snuck up on us fast. Luckily we are prepared for it. We've been working on this one for years and as promised in It's Thanksgiving Weekend Song Saturday, You Bastards (, we are closing out 2014 with the third installment of our three part tribute to Arlo Guthrie that began on, It's Thanksgiving Eve, You Bastards ( with the Motorcycle Song.

    Right about now a lot of you are saying, "Greg, how do you know this is the last Song Saturday of 2014? It's only December 13 and that means there's a whole lot of Saturdays left. Does your life insurance cover going out on a limb this small and frail?" O ye, of little faith. Your naiveté is so amusing.

    Have you forgotten that I am The World's Greatest Living Prophet? The future is no mystery to me. But I don't rely on that alone. I also put my Remote Viewing Team to work on this (Just Give Me A Reason and Song Saturday 86: and then, just to doubly sure, I consulted with my Head Astrologer and Chief Executive Vice President In Charge Of Mystical Affairs, Miss Bunni, and they all agree. This is the very last Song Saturday of 2014 and the next one won't be until sometime in 2015.

    So even if your Bookie will only give you lousy odds, you should bet on it anyway cause it's a sure thing. And now that you've been reassured as to my infallibility, let's get to the main attraction, the last song in the Arlo trilogy as well as the last song of 2014:

    Arlo Guthrie - Motorcycle Song

    And now, since Song Saturday is an official holiday (Offer void in Kansas, Utah and Saudi Arabia), here is Fifi, my Sommelier, with the Theme Drink she invented for today:


    Motorcycle Oil


    1 oz Jägermeister
    1/2 oz Peppermint schnapps
    1/2 oz Goldschlager
    1/2 oz Malibu rum

    Mixing instructions:

    Pour Jager into triple shot glass. Add Peppermint schnapps then Goldshlager. Top with Malibu. Garnish with a pickle.


    Whew. If there's any drink out there that tastes more like motorcycle oil, I'd sure like to see it. I wouldn't want to try it but I would like to see it. Fortunately, today's Featured Party Game isn't at all offensive and it's dripping with good taste: Binders Full Of Girls Treating Their Bikes Like Sybians.

    Oh, if you don't know what Sybians are, you obviously don't watch Howard Stern but we won't hold that against you. We'll just show you this: By the way, that's also a great place to pick up a last minute gift for the girl who has almost everything. Not that there's any hurry, because it's only December 13 but wouldn't you like to finish early for once?

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Red State Update: Episode 40: This Ain't My First Racist Ro
    Friday, December 12th, 2014
    7:47 am
    It's Friday, You Bastards
    If you watched The Big Bang Theory last night, you know that I, Satan's Ten Star General In The War On Christmas, have successfully infiltrated CBS (the Chuck [Lorre] Broadcasting System). For the second time this year. The first time was in April, when for another assignment, I convinced them to declare War On The Heartland (Limbaugh on Colbert: CBS Has Declared War on the Heartland of America:

    Last night, however, was all about the War On Christmas (‘The Big Bang Theory’ recap: Sheldon’s happy holiday: And it was a smashing success! With all due modesty. I have to say I hit it right out of the park.

    I keep saying "I" as if it were a solo effort consisting only of me and it mostly was but to be charitable to people who really don't deserve it, I have to give some credit to all the little people. The producers, the director, the writers, the crew and yes, even the actors. So kindly direct .001% of your applause and eternal gratitude to them while giving the rest to me and we'll call it even.

    And did you notice just how diabolically clever I was? Jim Parsons, who plays the hero of last night's episode, Sheldon Lee Cooper, is Gay! Do you think that's an accident? Could I kick all you Christians any harder when you're already down? As you well know, Gay people are a bigger threat to you than me, my boss (Satan) and our War On Christmas combined. And it's doubly so when they are really good actors! And now, Jim is working for us (Again, when I say "us" I really mean me because my staff, up to and including my boss, Satan, can't do anything right. They'd be nothing without me and this is all my show)!

    On Judgement Day when Jesus personally escorts you to Hell and casts you into the boiling pits of sewage for being so weak, stupid and pathetic, remember to say a prayer to me because I'm really the one who put you there. You owe me a lot. If it weren't for me, you'd never even meet Jesus. You'd get put in some small tract house in a less than fashionable section of Heaven where'd you'd spend all eternity wishing you could meet Him.

    You're welcome. Now, before one of you Godless heathens accuses me of going off topic, let's get back to the review of last night's Big Bang Theory. Did you also notice that through Amy, we (meaning I) demonstrated that everything about a traditional Christmas celebration (As opposed to the more modern and far more fun Christmas celebrations that feature clothes like these: is stupid and boring?

    And then we rewarded her efforts by making her choke on a ball of yarn. I know that some of you already don't like Amy because she ruined Indiana Jones ('The Big Bang Theory': Amy ruins 'Indiana Jones' for Sheldon - and the audience - in 'The Raiders Minimization'aiders Minimization': and again, you're welcome cause that was all my idea. I had a little help from the writers but not enough to mention.

    The moral is clear---Without even going into the metaphor of the Clean Room being violated on Christmas Eve. The harder you fight your useless battle to preserve Christmas, the more you will choke on your own ball of yarn. And then Sheldon will arrive with the perfect gift for you and all you'll have to offer in return is a useless box of cookies that taste like hugs. The scoreboard now reads: War On Christmas 1, You ZERO!

    I could humiliate and discourage you further but now that I've kicked you when you're already down and condemned your immortal soul to Hell to boot as well as ruined your favorite movie, I feel like doing more would just be kind of superfluous. So let's have a drink! Here's the Theme Drink that Fifi, my Sommelier, invented for tonight:


    Useless Indy


    2 oz Light Rum
    1 1/2 tsp Triple sec
    1 1/2 tsp Lime juice
    1 1/2 tsp Maraschino Liqueur

    Mixing instructions:

    Shake all ingredients with ice, strain into a cocktail glass, and serve.


    And now for the part you've all been waiting for, tonight's Featured Party Game: Binders Full Of Girls Playing Victorian Party Games You Didn't See Last Night And Will Never See On TV, Except For Cinemax. As the Victorians put it, "As we bind, so may we find!" Don't worry, you'll fully understand that as the game goes on. HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Red State Update: Episode 40: This Ain't My First Racist Ro
    Thursday, December 11th, 2014
    7:03 am
    Just Some Brief Local News
    ((To see the images, go here: ))

    Wolf PAC Illinois ( is currently choosing its' logo and this is the one I voted for. I almost voted for this one:

    Because the date that SJR 42 passed is so important...But so is the outline of the state. I wish one of the entries had incorporated both of them but how does the old saying go? If wishes and but's were candy and nuts, we'd all have a great Christmas? Something to that effect.

    Now it's time to move onto the really good news: Illinois Comptroller Judy Baar Topinka dies at age 70; lost governor race to Blagojevich ( It's not completely good news. She was in favor of Abortion and Gay Rights, not that the Comptroller has much to do with either of them but it's nice to have everyone with any bit of power using common sense with those issues.

    And God only knows what kind of monster Bruce Rauner ( will replace her with. But even with that negative, the good news remains. Aside from being right about two key issues, Judy perfectly represents the Republican Party. Old, feeble, stupid and dying.

    And she, at age 70, was even a Young Republican. She was about two years younger than the average viewer of FOX News. And that's really my whole point. No matter how much damage they manage to do in the short time they have left, they are on the way out.

    And the Wolf PAC's of the world are poised to take over. So let's hope that Judy just started a big trend and that soon, some of the worst garbage will be weeded out of the House and Senate by old age.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Red State Update: Episode 40: This Ain't My First Racist Ro
    Wednesday, December 10th, 2014
    7:34 am
    War On Christmas: Dispatches From The Front
    ((To See The Image, Go Here: ))

    As I've already told you, I am Satan's Ten Star General In The War On Christmas ( I think I also mentioned that I'm getting a huge bonus because I have all but totally eliminated Christmas from America. Some of you are skeptical about that and I understand. Extraordinary claims require extraordinary proof. So here you go, extraordinary proof straight from the horses mouth, God's One Star General In The War To Keep Christ In Christmas, Pat Robertson:


    Pat Robertson Runs Cheesy 'War On Christmas' Ad


    That's why I'm getting a huge bonus. Pretty sales clerks are wetting their pants in fear that they'll accidentally say, "Merry Christmas!" Instead of, "Happy Holidays!" Thanks to me! Yeah, I know I'm gloating a little bit and that's usually bad form but when you're Babe Ruth and then reincarnate, in the same lifetime (Which is a pretty formidable feat in itself) as Hank Aaron and do an even better job, it's perfectly acceptable to say, "Yeah, I'm the best!" If you doubt me, look it up, it's right there in the rule book. If reading is too much for you---I have a lot of illiterate Conservative fans and I don't want to leave anyone out----Just consult your favorite lawyer and he or she will dumb it down to a level you can understand.

    Before I go on, I need to remind you to show some appreciation to my ground troops. People like the hard working guys you saw in the video who are tearing down the last remaining Manger scenes (Don't worry about the pretty sales clerks cause I'll take care of them myself). Give them a bottle a whisky or maybe a gift certificate to a strip club such as this one (Gift Certificates at Treasures Gentlemen's Club & Steakhouse: If that's too much for you, at the very least, say, "Thank you for your service."

    Never ever forget that this is a team effort. Sure, I could easily have done it all by myself and you didn't help much, in fact you were just in the way but I graciously included you, anyway. Even though it was like letting a four year old "Help" and it just made my job harder. And now you're wondering, "How can I ever repay you for saving me from Christmas, General?" Relax. I'm going to solve this problem for you, too.

    As you may or may not have inferred from the above auto ad, I have a sudden urge to buy a used car. An Aston Martin, to be specific. It's kind of odd because I never buy used cars and Aston's have never appealed to me much but I guess if they're good enough for James Bond, I could tolerate driving one once in a while. So, you may get me one of these: James Bond's new Aston Martin DB10 unveiled (

    That's not a used Aston but I won't quibble about that because I'm very flexible. I understand that it's the thought that counts and I forgive you for not being able to do anything right. I also understand that the article says you can't buy this car but we both know that's utter rubbish. Speak softly and carry a big credit card, Grasshopper, and all all things are possible.

    But what if your credit card isn't quite big enough to pull off the Aston Martin DB10? Well, I could lecture you on the importance of managing your money so that it won't manage you but since that horse has already gotten out of the barn, I will do the next best thing. By giving you a few ideas that are in your reach. Such as the Beer pouring robot (

    And the Razor Crazy Cart ( Or even a Hot Tub Boat ( And the Mini Cannon Pocket Artillery ( Is that enough for one day? I think so and since I outrank you by at least ten stars, we're going to do it my way. According to our spy network (, you have 14 days, 12 hours, 44 minutes and 40 seconds left to complete this mission. Don't let me down. Go out and win this one for the Gipper!

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Red State Update: Episode 40: This Ain't My First Racist Ro
    Tuesday, December 9th, 2014
    9:11 am
    They Could Have Been A Lot Worse

    “I'm not afraid of death because I don't believe in it.
    It's just getting out of one car, and into another.”

    ― John Lennon


    Yesterday, December 8, was, as it is every year, the worst day of the year. I don't have to tell you why but just in case I do, I will anyway: It was the anniversary of John Lennon's death. That makes it a day that will live infamy far longer than December 7, which was a pretty infamous day in its' own right.

    This year, I didn't go to New York, Liverpool, London or Honolulu. Maybe it's because I've finally realized that there are no answers in any of those places. The day sucks just as much wherever I am. But sometimes, a minor good thing happens on or around the seventh and eighth of December that makes things a little better and I am pleased to report that is the case this year. And you don't have to go through the indignity of flying commercial to enjoy them.

    Before I go on, have to mention two things. First, you have to ignore the fact that Pugsley just died: Ken Weatherwax, Pugsley on ‘The Addams Family,’ Dies at 59 ( Secondly, because some of the things I'm about to say are going to seem, to some people, that I'm anti-religion in general and anti-Christianity in particular, so, if you're in that group, you should read this first so you'll know that I'm not anti-religion at all: How to Pray When You're Pissed at God: Or Anyone Else for That Matter (

    Now, we are ready for the good news: ‘Family Guy’ Christmas: ‘The 2000 Year-Old Virgin’ ( I'd like to spotlight the opening paragraph of that story, "Reminder to Christians: Seth McFarlane hates you. Merry Christmas!" And I'd just like to add, ditto! But that's not all I want to add.

    With great glee, I want to point out that Family Guy is on FOX. Conservative Christians, that's exactly how much your news source thinks of you. It isn't just Seth McFarlane that hates you. God does, too. And Rupert Murdoch. Yeah, yeah, I know The Simpson's is contractually protected from interference but is Family Guy? I don't think so. I think Rupert thinks you're a moron.

    I should also point out that I don't watch Family Guy because I've always found it to be a second rate imitation of The Simpson's but I would have watched it Sunday if I had known how freaked out it was going to make Christians. Even better than the story I just showed you was Glenn's ( reaction. He spent a long time on his show this morning whining and crying about it. He was fit to be tied. Because he knows just how numbered his days are.

    That really made my day---And I really needed it because the last two days were so bad. And, Conservatives, do you realize what this really means? As you continue bragging about your huge landslide/mandate victory, this is a stark reminder that you're all a bunch of pathetic losers who really didn't win anything and you're going down fast. As if not being able to get Personhood in North Dakota and losing the Minimum Wage battle in Arkansas wasn't already enough of a reminder (And why do you never talk about them?).

    And that wasn't even the only good news from the last two days. George Zimmerman and Darren Wilson are still (Unfortunately) alive (Running like scared little girls but alive) but the protests continue and in California, they managed to block the biggest highway in the country: Bay Area demonstrators block highway, stop train in third night of protests (

    All in all, these things are moving too slowly but they are moving and if you're younger and have more patience than I do, you have every right to be happy about them. Heck, I'm even happy about them and no one is older and more impatient than I am. And I still don't like December 7 and 8 but I have to admit that this year, they could have been a lot worse.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Red State Update: Episode 40: This Ain't My First Racist Ro
    Monday, December 8th, 2014
    8:26 am
    It's ON?

    Author's Note: This one was written on November 21, 2914 but then Blurty, which is where I write all my blogs went down before it could be published and didn't come back until today. That's why it is being published now. The only thing I have to add is a question: Why haven't these lawsuits been in the news since November 21? Have they been quietly dropped already?


    Finally, the long talked about lawsuit against President Obama has been filed (Boehner: House GOP files Obamacare suit: By the very same people who claim to hate frivolous lawsuits. And it just gets funnier from there.

    They are suing over something (Delaying the Employer Mandate) the President did that they passed a bill to do. The other part of the suit is over payments to insurance companies. And how will it turn out? It's hard to predict because courts are so unpredictable but a major hint as to the way things will go can be found in the GOP's difficulty in finding a lawyer to take the case in the first place.

    The other major hint is that what the GOP is saying about ObamaCare, that no one wants it, couldn't be more wrong. If they do manage to win this impossible case, the damage to their brand will be irreparable, so are they going to try very hard? And, either way, the US is going to have a single payer system soon anyway. It's just a matter of how long it will be delayed.

    And if they keep going ahead with it, they're going to damage themselves. So why do it? Because John Boehner is crazy? Well, that's a pretty big part of it. And he has to make the even crazier people who put him in power happy. He's between a rock and a hard place and he doesn't have enough brains to get himself out of even a small jam.

    And how desperate is this futile legal maneuver? Everyone is afraid of impeachment but can the Republican's pull it off? Why would they bother with this insane lawsuit they have so little chance of winning if they can just impeach? They're also talking about filing another one over immigration reform---I guess because one stupid unwinnable lawsuit just isn't enough when you're trying to keep Cletus and Bubba happy.

    So what it's starting to look like is that they know they have no chance of getting an impeachment but they can lose a couple of lawsuits and then whine and cry about how the judges are against them and that will keep the base happy. And how pathetic is that? After this huge Republican Wave Mandate, they seem to be admitting that they are still powerless.

    Or am I reading this wrong? Is John Boehner purposely trying to go down in history as a sad joke? Because he thinks it is his only chance to be remembered at all? It might be that simple. And it's not unprecedented. Sheriff Joe is doing exactly the same thing (The sheriff of Maricopa County, Ariz., has already filed a lawsuit against Obama over immigration:

    He is well known for doing idiotic things but this one takes the cake. And in the process, it insures that Joe will be a big footnote in history, as opposed to a small one. Just like his hero, John.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Red State Update: Episode 40: This Ain't My First Racist Ro
    Friday, November 21st, 2014
    12:07 am
    It's Friday, You Bastards
    I had a lot of fun listening to Rush ( yesterday. No, that isn't a typo, misprint or an oxymoron. Even though it seems like all of them and more all rolled into one. Nope, it's the genuine Grade A, with God as my witness honest truth. Because Rush was in one of his very rare moods to tell the truth.

    He was talking about how the election is really meaningless and just a false victory because, "The Democrat Liberal Agenda is winning all over the place!" He never brought up Personhood or the Minimum Wage, at least not while I was listening but he talked about other things. Mostly President Obama's speech that occurred last night (Obama spurns GOP with expansive immigration orders:

    Now this was hours before the speech was given and Rush knew how bad it was going to be for him. Sometimes, Rush is like that. Just like the retarded kid in so many Stephen King novels, he knows things that are about to happen. Unlike the retarded kids in Steve's books, when Rush points out something, it's obvious to everyone else, too, but since he is a retard, we have to give him a gold star.

    And that's what made it fun. Rush knows his whole way of life along with everything he believes in and cherishes, is doomed. He isn't even very confident about all the new Republicans coming into office being able to change much. It might just be wishful thinking but I tend to agree with him. I think this Republican Wave Mandate is going to be more of a speed bump to progress than a brick wall.

    And even if it does turn out to be a brick wall, it will only be temporary. That's not a lot to comfort to all the people it's going to hurt and kill in the near future but at least the future is secure. Except for Global Warming but since it's Friday and we have a party to get started, we'll just brush it under the carpet.

    Instead of acknowledging the elephant in the room, we'll just focus on the joy and exhilaration that comes from knowing that Rush knows he's slowly bleeding to death, politically speaking. And there's nothing he can do about it. And Glenn Beck has already used the fake brain disease ploy ( so he can't even use that to reinvent himself as a Liberal.

    If you're feeling sad about poor old Rush cause "He's a human being, too," why don't you cheer him Monday by calling in and telling him that Utah is close to bringing back the firing squad (Utah revives plan for executions by firing squad: Just because the Death Penalty's days are as numbered as the Republicans' doesn't mean its' last few years can't be as as barbaric and grisly as possible!

    Maybe it will make him forget about Gay Marriage, Equal Pay, the Single Payer healthcare system, abortion and all the other things that are going to be soon available everywhere in America. They'll probably even name an abortion clinic after him. Maybe a whole chain of them.

    Let's make that the first toast of the evening. To the Rush Limbaugh Memorial Abortion Clinic! Oh, wait. I guess we need drinks before we toast, so here's Fifi, my Sommelier, with the Theme Drink she invented for tonight:


    Dead And Dying Republicans


    2/3 oz Rumple Minze
    2/3 oz Jägermeister

    Mixing instructions:

    Pour Rumple Minze (should be pre chilled) into shot glass add Jager (should also be pre-chilled), serve


    Does the German liquor drive home the fact that Republican's are indistinguishable from Nazi's? Just don't confuse them with one particularly uncooperative waitress in Munich who worked in the Löwenbräu tent at this year's Oktoberfest, who I will not name because I don't want to embarrass Helga or imply that she is in any way Nazi or Republican-like. Even though she was especially and unnecessarily cruel in the way she said, "Nein!"

    I won't even say she's a Conservative, even though the evidence speaks for itself. No wonder we declared war on Germany twice! But all that is in the far distant past of last month. Tonight is what we're here for and we shall make the most of it. Starting with this, tonight's Featured Party Game: Binders Full Of Girls Wearing Romney-Ryan 2012 Bikinis And Black Arm Bands.

    OK, they are just ordinary bikinis with Romney-Ryan bumper stickers pasted on them but that's only because we didn't come up with this idea in time to have the wardrobe department make actual Romney-Ryan bikinis but I don't think you'll mind a bit. And the black armbands are real and many of them have been worn to actual funerals.

    One last thing. Don't forget to have a genuine German Bratwurst. Or two. Or three. Have all you want. I brought back plenty because, lucky for you, the girl at the supermarket was a lot more friendly and helpful than Helga.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---George Noory, WOC AM 1420
    Thursday, November 20th, 2014
    9:21 am
    Live It Up
    I hope all you Global Warming deniers are enjoying the Polar Vortex (Western New York buried by snow; at least 7 dead with more snow likely: I know some of you are. I've seen a lot a of Tweets like this one, "Al Gore, please come help and shovel some of this Global Warming off my sidewalk!" I hope the rest of you are doing the same because the giant TOLD YA SO is going to be arriving soon.

    Here, let me show you something you won't see on FOX News and won't hear from the fat old junkie ( you listen to on the radio: October in a Tie As Warmest on Record. But What About that Global Warming Hiatus? (

    Don't you see? Everything you feel, believe and think is just flat out wrong. About everything. Well, most of you see everything wrong but all of you see the climate wrong. And there's no excuse for it. All the data is right there and easily available. Oh, right. You don't need no stinkin' facts! Cause you got common sense.

    The very same common sense that tells you that the Earth is a flat stationary plane. Not a round ball moving through space at 1,070 mph...At the Equator, your mileage may vary because the speed decreases by the cosine of your latitude but the point is that the Earth isn't moving, no matter where you are. You can't feel it moving, can you? Alright, that settles it. The Earth is not moving! And look at it! It's clearly flat! You'd have to be a total idiot to believe otherwise! Don't fall for the Round Global Rotation Hoax!

    Yes, Deniers, that's exactly what you sound like when you say there can't be Global Warming because it's cold right now. No. You actually sound more stupid than that but that was the closest approximation that I could think of this morning. For God's sake, stop being stupid! Even more importantly, stop voting for people who are even dumber than you are! Oh, right. No amount of begging and pleading backed up with facts and logic is going to make you change, is it? Not even when Sarah Palin calls stupid for not believing it and she's fully justified in doing it ( And here's some free advice, when she has the right to call you stupid, it's a sign that you should reevaluate your entire life) I keep forgetting that.

    So fine. Live it up now while you can. Get everything you can out of the Polar Vortex while it's still here. Make all the stupid comments and witless one liners you can before the real carnage starts and reality sets in to such a degree that even you will have to admit what a big moron you are.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Wednesday, November 19th, 2014
    8:01 am
    I Don't Listen? HA
    Lately, a lot of people have accused me of not listening to them. Women, mostly. Followed closely by Conservatives. And in the last few weeks or so, even Liberals have been doing it. Well, OK, it's been more of a fifty year long and counting, continuing condition than "Lately," but you know what I mean. It's a constant stream of things like, "How many times have I told you to not leave your clothes all over the floor?" And, "George Bush was the greatest President ever!" And, "Be nice to Glenn Beck. He's a human being, too." Not all three of the aforementioned groups say all of those things but the overlap is surprisingly high.

    And, nearly 89.49% of the time, all of them will end whatever blah blah blah tirade they're on with, "Why don't you ever listen to me?" That's hurtful because I do listen. All the time. To everyone. Mostly to women but I listen to other Liberals and even Conservatives almost as much. And I don't just listen, I obey. Except when they want me to do really stupid pointless things like believe Ronald Reagan was a great communicator. When he was young...Every time I say this, the Movie Critics Union threatens to revoke my membership but I don't care. I'm saying it anyway...he was a great actor but did you ever meet Ronnie after 1952? You wouldn't have trusted him to feed your goldfish and now everyone says he was great at everything. Even communicating. The truth is, Dutch was nothing but a senile old man who could barely remember his own name and was good at nothing. Except taking naps. And acting, when he was young.

    And why do I keep getting told to pick up my clothes? If my clothes weren't supposed to be strewn all over the bathroom and bedroom floors, they wouldn't be! Why do so many people want to tamper with the natural order of things? And...Did you know this?...if you just leave them there long enough, someone else will pick them up, wash, fold and put them right where they belong. That's the way God intended it to be! Stop being blasphemous!

    And then stop accusing me of doing things I don't do. Things like not listening. And never changing. I'll never understand how you got the idea that I never change, no matter what but you keep saying it. That's an especially absurd charge because I change all the time. I know a lot of you still don't believe me, so I'm going to prove it. Again. By addressing the, "Be nice to Glenn Beck," request.

    I'm rejecting it, of course, because it would be insane to be nice to that monster but it has gotten me thinking of a lot of other people I haven't been nice to lately. Namely, Charles Manson. Now there are a lot of things I could say about Charlie. Like how he isn't much of criminal. And how he never even killed anyone that we know of. And how he perverted The White Album (For you Beatle fanatics, its' actual title is The Beatles).

    But why be negative about a guy who has a Swastika carved in the middle of his forehead? I'm going to be nice to him from now on. Just like you told me to. See? I'm listening and I'm changing. Just like I always do! You'd know that if you ever paid attention! But I'm not going to be negative about you, either. Anyway, now, because I've listened and changed, per your instructions, just like you, I'm trying to figure out what to get Charlie and Afton for a wedding present. Oh, for the two or three of you that haven't heard yet, the State Of California just granted the happy couple their marriage license (AP Exclusive: Charles Manson gets marriage license:

    And just like you, I have found the perfect present. All you people who keep telling me I should be nicer to him and then yell at me for leaving the toilet seat up (Which is, despite what you say, God's law, too! Just like leaving my clothes on the floor) haven't found the perfect present yet? Even though you keep telling me I should listen to you more because you have the all the answers? Maybe if you did a little less yelling at innocent people and a little more thinking, you'd have an answer or two, too. Don't sweat it. The Holier Than Thou act looks good on you. Even when it's not a bit true. Which is all the time.

    Maybe from now on, you'll think twice before yelling at me for things like not being kind enough to people...As if taking your sister and best friend to Paris for the weekend wasn't an act of kindness! And after I show you this, the perfect wedding present for Charlie that I found all by myself (That kind of shoots your whole theory about me being completely helpless all to Heck, doesn't it?), you're going to think three times:


    The unHoly Gift Box
    at 2.0 OFFER


    This gift basket takes blasphemy to a whole new level and will delight anyone who is a fan of religious satire, especially because there are several religions represented, some cleverly combined. If you’re looking for a unique gift for satirical family members or friends, you’ll want to surprise them with this comical gift basket. Your gift recipient may choose to use the Shiva Finger Puppet as a way to tune into universal vibrations, and they’ll definitely get a kick out of the Passport to Hell notebook, the perfect notebook for keeping track of their sins.

    Tasty treats: Last Supper Bar, Buddha Bar, Priest & Rabbi Bar, Messiah Mints, & Sweet on Jesus Candy
    Jesus Bandages, Dashboard Jesus, Passport to Hell notebook, Shiva Finger Puppet, and Santa Dreidel
    From time to time we may need to substitute an item (or a few) in one of our gift boxes.


    Now don't get discouraged. I'm not breaking your spirit by doing this better than you ever could. No. I'm inspiring you to go out and do an even better, more impressive job. That's completely impossible, of course, but your Psyche won't know it until it's too late. The important thing is that you will have tried. And failed. Because no one can beat me. But you tried. It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game. In your heart, you'll know that you deserve a participation medal. And maybe I'll even give you one. Of sorts. Right after you act like a good girl by going and making me a drink.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Tuesday, November 18th, 2014
    8:31 am
    By Popular Demand
    ((For the Images, see:

    By popular demand...I'm being charitable, this was demanded by Mr. Rightwing and a few other Conservatives who are only popular in their own small and constantly shrinking are some facts and figures. The last image is the most important one as well as the only one that's really needed (I put up the rest mostly for fun because I just enjoy seeing Conservatives suffer) because it clearly shows the difference between Democrats and Republicans.

    Everything the GOP claims to do well at, they totally suck at. Especially money. They are laughably bad with the economy. They also claim to not be racist (Note to all you Conservatives: YOU ARE RACIST).

    When you vote for the lazy incompetents on the Right, the right side of that chart is what you get. Period. No debate. No discussion. The facts are what they are. Unlike what the GOP wants you to believe, that is, facts don't exist.

    I could put up more but as I said, the last image says everything that needs to be said. If you're poor, Gay, female, young and/or any color but pure white, you already know what else the Republicans bring with them. As for the rest of you, all you have to do is open your eyes.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Monday, November 17th, 2014
    8:58 am
    Keep Voting Republican And We'll Keep Stealing Your Money

    Kansas Gets Terrible News Days After Re-electing Ultra Right-Wing Governor


    I'm going to keep this one short. I'd keep it sweet as well but the subject matter is kind of bitter. All you spineless morons who voted Republican are killing America. Several states at a time, starting with Kansas. Very soon, Wisconsin and Florida are going to be in the same shape as the Land Of Ahhs. And then most of the rest of America will follow. Good work, imbeciles.

    Are all you Useless Idiots happy now? Are you going to continue calling me an Useless Idiot? If I have to guess at the answers of both those questions, I'd say, "No," and "Probably." And once again, I don't know why I'm bothering but the above video is more proof that the truly useful idiots are the Republicans and you can make of it what you will. You Conservatives, just keep being played like a piano and the rest of us will keep counting the days until your old worthless lives are finally ended by death and you can't do any more damage.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
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