Greg's Blurty
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Greg's Blurty:

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    Wednesday, October 22nd, 2014
    9:13 am
    Time To Try Another Approach?
    Mass incarceration on a scale almost unexampled in human history is a fundamental fact of our country today—perhaps the fundamental fact, as slavery was the fundamental fact of 1850. In truth, there are more black men in the grip of the criminal-justice system—in prison, on probation, or on parole—than were in slavery then. Over all, there are now more people under ‘correctional supervision’ in America—more than six million—than were in the Gulag Archipelago under Stalin at its height.

    —Adam Gopnik, “The Caging of America”

    Do you ever wonder what it's like to be in prison? If you live in the United States, maybe you should. Even if you think there would never be a reason to put you behind bars. We are crazy about the Lock Them All Up And Let God Sort'em Out principle. Check out some of our stats: America's Enormous Prison Population Got Even Bigger (

    Your odds of getting incarcerated for something just keep growing because now you are a potential profit center for guys like Mitt Romney. Well, duh. That's all you've ever been but with for profit prisons (And they aren't even new. The South has always had them but they always had to pretend they weren't for profit and now they're out in the open and mainstreamed) you're in an even worse position than ever before. Right now, I don't want to go more into our insane prison population and the reasons behind it...As if the excerpt above doesn't already pretty much say it all...but I want to tell you why I am thinking more about it than usual this morning.

    Dwight Pink Jr., an inmate at Cheshire Correctional Institute in Connecticut is suing the state in the hopes of keeping a book (Horny Murderer Sues State for Right to View Porn: Now, Dwight isn't the kind of prisoner that I have a lot of sympathy for. Assuming he really is guilty of murder and these days that's a pretty big assumption to make but let's say he is guilty.

    He's in prison, paying for his crime and from what I've learned from Rachel ( sending me to prison every Friday night for the last few years---Because after her Friday show, they shift to their All Prison All Weekend lineup, well, it isn't ALL prison but it mostly is---he's not having a good time. And I don't feel too bad about that.

    But I think he should have his book of naked pictures if he wants it. If for no other reason than from what I've seen about legal pornography and prostitution reducing sexual assaults. I apologize to all you Conservatives who just had a heart attack but it's true. Legalizing the things you hate the most make the world safer for everyone. Forgive me but I think that making prison rape more rare is a good thing. And it's better for guards because happier prisoners are less likely to kill them.

    And this isn't just about convicted murderers. Or rapists. Or pick whatever your favorite real crime is. This is also about all the people who have done nothing wrong other than offending the sensibilities of little old ladies who are afraid of their own shadows and still consider Reefer Madness to be a serious medical documentary. I'm not here to embarrass anyone, so as usual, I won't mention any names...If you want to find them, you can easily enough. Starting right here cause they leave me lots of comments but if you want a good representative example of what they look like, here's Jim (

    And even if it were only about real criminals...Go ahead and stretch your imagination to the breaking point by picturing a world where we only lock up those who should be locked up...would it make a difference? What are we intending to do with prisons? To protect people and to then release prisoners who will no longer be a threat to society. Can we achieve that by letting people like Jim decide the protocols? All the evidence provided by the last 4000 years or so of recorded history says no. It says that just the opposite happens when you treat prisoners like garbage. So why don't we try something different?

    There are a million things to we need to do, starting with taking the profit motive out of incarceration. The other first thing is to make sure we stop arresting people for stupid things that aren't really crimes. In the meantime, we can do little things like letting Dwight Pink Jr. have his book full of dirty pictures. And even if you wanted to set it up as a reward or something, like you have to make so many license plates or whatever to get it, I'd be OK with it. What I'm not OK with is taking people in a bad situation and making it needlessly worse for them on purpose and giving them nothing to lose. Even the ones who are never going to be released.

    OK, that's all I have for this one except for this, one of my favorite Johnny Cash numbers that I hardly ever have an excuse to play. Oh, wait. Just one more thing, sir. Or ma'am. If you're like Jim Fisher and you think I'm being a crackpot, I want to show you something from the Bible you're always talking about but apparently never read: Remember those who are in prison, as though in prison with them, and those who are mistreated, since you also are in the body (Hebrews 13:3). OK, I think the band is ready now, so take it away, JC!:

    Johnny Cash - Folsom Prison Blues - Live at San Quentin (Good sound quality)

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Tuesday, October 21st, 2014
    12:12 am
    Maybe This Time Will Be Different
    One need only to look as far as Kansas to see that Republicans can offer nothing but failure (After Huge Tax Cuts For The Rich, Kansas’s Economy Is Foundering: We didn't need Kansas to prove the obvious. History is littered with examples of how handing money to the real Welfare Queens, the "hard working" Conservatives who don't work at all is a bad idea. Well, we wouldn't need it but you know the Republicans. They just keep touching that hot stove. And they keep getting burned worse every time.

    It would be funny if we weren't chained to them in such a way that we get burned, too. But maybe this time will be different. And not just in Kansas. Yesterday, Ed ( had a very good interview with Mary Burke and things seem to be looking up in Wisconsin, too. Maybe, Finally, they will dump their criminal and very inept Governor, Scott Walker and it's not just Wisconsin, either. Groove on this, babies: Gubernatorial Shakeups Loom Amid Elections (

    Georgia, Massachusetts, Alaska, Wisconsin, Michigan, Colorado, Illinois, Connecticut, Kansas, Florida, Maine, Arkansas, and Pennsylvania might all switch parties. Of course, we don't want the Democrats on that list to lose...I am going to hold my nose and vote for Pat Quinn...but I don't think they will. The three that really count are Kansas, Florida and Wisconsin and things are looking pretty good for them.

    The one I'm most concerned with is Wisconsin. Maybe because it's so close. Maybe it's because of never ending stories like this: How Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker shows contempt for the working poor ( And this: Wisconsin Legislature, Failing to Create Jobs, Opts to Punish the Unemployed (

    Anyway, for whatever reason, I find Scott Walker the most repulsive of the repulsive Republicans. He's very lucky and he cheats a lot (With Voter ID On Hold, Here’s What Wisconsin Republicans Have Planned For Election Day: OK, that makes him a typical Republican but like I said, I still find him especially slimy for some he might win but this time maybe they'll finally put him in jail where he belongs (Prosecutors: Wis. Gov. Scott Walker in criminal scheme:

    And if the people of Wisconsin do the right thing for once and he loses, I still hope he goes to jail. Maybe he can share a cell with Sam Brownback and Rick Scott. At the very least, the three of them should be given an opportunity to car pool to the unemployment office. And all that's left to say is this: Republicans, the stove is hot! Don't touch it again!

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---George Noory, WOC AM 1420
    Monday, October 20th, 2014
    12:03 am
    Jon's Solution
    There is nothing new from me in this one. This is merely a very funny video response to one of the commenters on the post I made earlier today about Global Warming. It's also for everyone who suffers in silence at all the willful blindness surrounding the issue and would like to laugh about it for a minute:

    Jon Stewart Knocks Republicans For Being Willfully Blind On Climate Change

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---George Knapp , WOC AM 1420
    12:02 am
    Conservatives Wasting Money
    Damages from storms, flooding, and heat waves are already costing local economies
    billions of dollars—we saw that firsthand in New York City with Hurricane Sandy. With
    the oceans rising and the climate changing, the Risky Business report details the costs
    of inaction in ways that are easy to understand in dollars and cents—and impossible
    to ignore.

    — Risky Business Project Co-Chair Michael R. Bloomberg

    You probably don't realize it because I hide it so well but I'm oftentimes hard on Climate Change deniers. I don't mean to be. Because I know that a few of them are sincere. They aren't just repeating everything Rush tells them to repeat. And they aren't the ones who are going to start shouting that Michael R. Bloomberg is just another deluded Liberal---He's not. He's technically an Independent, only because a Republican can't get elected in New York, but he started out as a Republican and he still is and always will be a Republican---They're the ones who are going to start presenting wishful thinking that appears to be supported by evidence.

    How they can't see what even someone as dense as Mike sees is beyond me but that's not my concern. Not today, anyway. Maybe it will be again tomorrow but today my concern is money. Just in case Alex Trebek is listening, I'm going to put it in the form of a question, "How much more of my money are you going to waste?"

    If you're a Conservative, I want to add: Just like you waste my money with the war on drugs, corporate welfare and a million other of your hair brained schemes. You people claim to be so fiscally responsible and good at business but you're neither. Not even a tiny bit. Look at Kansas, for God's sake! Handling money is what you do worst. But can you change? Wouldn't this be a good time to start trying?

    Don't get me wrong. I hope you're right and the climate just magically returns to normal in the near future cause that would save everyone a lot of needless suffering and death, not to mention tons of money but since none of the data and no credible scientist who doesn't work for an oil or coal company says it will, what would it hurt to play it safe?

    Getting off oil and using cleaner, cheaper alternatives will do nothing but good, even if the climate is fine. The only drawback is that people like the Koch brothers won't make as much money. What good is that? And what happens when the evidence gets so clear that no one can deny Global Warming? Are you just going to shrug and say, "Well, I guess I was wrong?" That might work but keep in mind, there are going to be lots of very angry people with nothing left to lose at that point. In other words, good luck cause you're setting yourself up. You're making a bad situation even worse.

    And maybe you're my age and you aren't worried because all these reports say that it won't come to that until after we are dead. That's a pretty brave position to take because we may be the first generation to live into our 100's in huge numbers (It seems likely) and even if that doesn't happen, you're betting that all these predictions will be right instead of happening faster than the experts think they will. Thus far, most of them have happened much faster than anyone thought they would.

    And before you get all excited about Antarctic sea ice, remember it is much thinner than it should be and the greater area doesn't matter. In fact, if you look at the models created years ago, you'll see it follows the predictions almost to the letter. So why not dump oil? And coal? You can even keep denying Climate Change if you want. I won't even make fun of you. Well, I'll try to not make fun of you anymore. When we go out, I might even start picking up the check once in a while since you'll be saving me money for once.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---George Knapp , WOC AM 1420
    Sunday, October 19th, 2014
    12:03 am
    This Week's Sermon
    So he, trembling and astonished, said, "Lord, what do You want me to do?"

    ---Acts 9:6---

    For the past sixteen hours or so, I've been on my hands and knees, praying for guidance. All alone. Just me, my Bible...That's not quite as crazy as it sounds if you remember that I've given up Atheism until after the election because we need all the help we can get, even if it's imaginary...and my favorite fictional being. Wonder Woman. I know it's a bit more traditional for someone in my position to use Someone like God, Jesus, Zeus or Buddha---Sorry if I left out your favorite deity but there are just too many to list them all and none of us want to be late for the Falcons-Ravens game, do we?---or even a plain ordinary altar boy but I'm not into that so I called The King Of Heavenly Grace Escort Service (They're my favorite religious supply company) and said, "Send me over a statuesque Amazon type in a Wonder Woman costume."

    And just like the Good Book says, ask and ye shall receive. The Good Book doesn't say anything about also having to provide a credit card number but we're not going to quibble about that, are we? No, we're not. We're just going to say Praise Jesus and be thankful. Deeply fulfilling spiritual journeys like this don't grow on trees, you know. The only thing that could make it better is if I hadn't realized that it's Sunday morning again and I have to write this week's sermon.

    I'd ask Wonder...I call her Wonder but she's kind of picky about what strangers call her, so you should probably stick to MS Woman or MS Price if she's not in her Wonder Woman outfit. Right now she's in only half of her costume, so either one is fine but if you happen to run into her in Themyscira she insists on Princess Diana of Themyscira...for help but I can't because she's asleep. She said, "I'm exhausted. Wake me up in an hour. Not a minute sooner or I'll show you what else I can do with the Lasso of Truth and it won't be fun this time," and then she passed out right there on the pool table.

    It's kind of shame because I think she knows more about theology than I do. I'm not completely sure but the way she was moaning, "Oh God, oh God," seems to indicate that she went to a much better seminary than I did. Either that or she thinks I'm God, which is a natural mistake that a lot of girls make.

    Anyway, I am, in effect, all alone here and I have to come up with a way to save your soul without boring you to death in the process. And it's not like it bothers me but I do wonder why I have to do it every week. Doesn't it seem like I should be able to do it once and then take Sundays off for the rest of my life? Just how much sinning are you doing?

    Lucky for you, the customer is always right and I'm not even allowed to ask that question. So maybe I'll just tell you the story about the guy with the boat. It's kind of impressive and inspiring because he built it himself. And then he put 2 of every animal in it, along with his family and enough food to support all of them for forty days and it didn't even sink (Oh! It rained a lot, too. That's kind of an important plot element so I wanna make sure I don't forget it). Or become uninhabitable because of the smell. It even has a happy ending. That's my favorite part. God killed everyone on Earth and all the animals except for the ones on the boat but they were fine and the people repopulated the Earth through holy incest because they were all related. The moral of the story is God loves everyone. And He proves it by drowning most of them.

    OK, it's settled. I'm going with the boat story. And I'm done because the best part of football season is that you're not going to ask for an encore. Now all I have to do is figure out what I'm gonna do until Wonder wakes up. Next week, remind me to order a Batgirl, too, so I won't have all this annoying down time.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---George Noory, WOC AM 1420
    Saturday, October 18th, 2014
    12:20 am
    Another Suicide?
    We might have another celebrity suicide, Misty Upham. It seems to be a cut and dried case of suicide, at least from what has been published so far, but not everyone agrees: Juliette Lewis claims Misty Upham's death not a suicide ( But having read Juliette's Instagram post, it seems to me that she really thinks it was suicide, too. Why else would she say, "This is another great reminder to call and check on someone when you think to. Not when it's too late."

    Unless she means that you should just automatically assume that everyone is about to die all the time. That's kind of a valid argument because death is hardly limited to the old. But it's not very practical. And after a while, you would be bound to feel like you were overdoing it. Wouldn't you? I suspect so. I also suspect that's why you limit your obsessive checking and calling to people you really think are likely to die soon. The very ill, the very old and the people you think just might kill themselves soon. And when life does throw you a curve ball, you just accept that you couldn't have known because you're not a Fortune Teller.

    There's another funny thing about this case. In another article, ‘August: Osage County’ Actress Misty Upham Confirmed Dead at 32 (, it says, "Upham, also known for roles in “Frozen River” and “Django Unchained,” was reported missing by her family on Oct. 6, a day after they told police she was suicidal."

    Now that may be an error but let's assume for a minute it isn't. Why would the family tell the police she was suicidal on the day BEFORE she disappeared? That tells me to look very closely into the murder theory even though they say there is no evidence of foul play so far. Before an incident such as a disappearance or even an overt suicide attempt, what can the police do? Could they even do something if there was a suicide attempt? So why report it to them? The suicidal report just shouts ADVANCE COVER-UP to me. It also suggests that we should look at the family first, not the enemies that Juliette talks about.

    Don't they have hot lines and counseling centers for talking about what you should do when someone is suicidal? Calling the police just seems very suspicious. And not very bright. Or maybe I'm just to suspicious. Maybe they panicked, didn't know what to do and so just called the police. But then why would they immediately insist that it wasn't suicide the minute after the body was found?

    This is very strange territory for me because I'm almost defending the police, whom the family is also dissing for not doing enough to search for her. It's just too fishy for me to let go. But if this case is just what a lot of the circumstantial evidence indicates, a suicide, could this be the very first time that all of us admit that she wasn't crazy because life really really sucks for most of the 7 billion people who live here? The first time we don't we don't pretend that you would have to be insane to not want to be here?

    Or is that too much to ask? While you're thinking that over, let me offer you a bribe of sorts. This is just a recent, and all things considered, pretty mild example of just how unpleasant the world is. If you're in the Suicide Is Crazy camp, just watch it and then tell me if you still think suicide is insane:

    'Miss Hitler 2014’ Contestants You Did NOT SEE Coming

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---George Noory, WOC AM 1420
    Friday, October 17th, 2014
    12:55 am
    It's Flashbask Friday, You Bastards
    This is not a personal memory. How could it be when what I am about show you is from 1967 and I wasn't born until 1996? Unless you want to believe the obvious lie that is my Birth Certificate. Do you believe everything the Liberal Drive-By Media in cooperation with the Liberal Drive-By Government tells you? You do? Fine. I won't argue. I'll just jump headfirst into your delusional fantasy land by saying, I was three years old when this happened.

    But before I say that, I want to say that this is more a plea than a memory. And before I say that, I want to say that I don't want you to think this is a put down of my Conservative commenters. I value each and every one of them because all feedback, just like publicity, is good feedback. And even bad discussion is better than no discussion at all. I hope all you Conservatives who are giving me comments keep doing so.

    Please keep that in mind. I can't say this enough, this is not a criticism of my Conservative commenters. It is a plea to recruit better, additional ones. Ones like William F. Buckley, Jr. Bill is the costar of the video I'm about to show you. The other star is Woody Allen and I want you to notice something about them. They could not be more diametrically opposed, politically speaking and yet what happens when they talk? Not once do they raise their voices.

    They insult each other. They even threaten each other. They argue. They debate. They lob more insults. But not once do they shout. They are so secure about themselves that they don't have to. They also respect each other. More so, they respect their audience. And when it's done, I don't walk away mad. I walk away thinking, "Why can't I ever meet a Conservative like that?"

    I wonder. Even though I know the answer. The truth is that the good days that so many people pine for never really existed, as many people claim. But it's not the whole truth. The whole truth is that there were things about the good old days that were quantifiably better than today. And one of them was Bill Buckley (He died 2007 but he didn't do much from around 1993 until his death).

    There are just not any Conservatives like him anymore. The "intellectual" of the GOP today is Charles Krauthammer, who has a room temperature IQ and a personality to match. Its' voice is Rush Limbaugh and all his clones and they are even dumber than Chuck and they compensate by assuming that the person with the biggest mouth wins. And that example trickles all the way down to here, the Blogs, where the Dittoheads imitate their heroes by thinking they can win by being as crass, vulgar and loud as possible.

    Instead of knowing the facts and arguing them as well and reasonably as they are able, they make up their own facts and say things like, "75 cents out of every welfare dollar spent goes to California. I would kick them out and make them an "occupied territoty" like the virgin islands." To be fair, maybe the 75 cents fact is correct, I didn't check it but I know that California only gets 20 cents back for every dollar of Federal tax they pay, which is the far more important point. And I'm not much better, I do try to have my facts correct (I'm not always successful but at least I try) but I am quick to respond with, "You idiot!"

    But if someone like Bill were to respond to me, I would respond in kind. But if you were to act like Woody Allen with everyone, what would it get you? Just an endless parade of more Rush clones. Shouting their made-up facts. So why not just shout back? That is what we're stuck with today. And that's not even the whole truth. There are Conservatives like Bill today. They aren't as smart as Bill was (That's not their fault because very few people are as smart as Bill. He was wrong about just about everything but one thing you can't say about him is that he wasn't smart. It seems like a contradiction but somehow it isn't). I've seen them. Bill (, Rachel (, Ed ( and many others have had them on and they had really good discussions with them but the problem is that all these decent Conservatives also don't have Bill's personality so they are instantly forgotten.

    More germane to our current discussion, they don't comment on blogs. At least they don't comment on my blogs. That's the real reason people are always saying the good old days were better! But maybe the problem is simple to solve. Maybe they don't give me comments because I have never invited them to. So let's pray this does the trick by acting as an invitation. Direct from 1967, here are Wood Allen and Bill Buckley talking about politics and a few other things:

    Woody Allen vs William Buckley - FUNNY

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---George Noory, WOC AM 1420
    12:54 am
    It's Friday, You Bastards
    A lot of people say I'm nothing but a bleeding heart soft on crime Liberal but that's not really true. True, I want massive reforms in our entire criminal justice system starting with no longer locking up people who have done nothing wrong. In other words I want the stupid, costly war on drugs ended. And I want to change our prisons so they are no longer crime universities, while at the same time changing society itself in a way that makes crime an undesirable career choice for most people. In other words, I think we should go back to making work worthwhile for people (For instance, it should be impossible for someone to work and not be able to support him or herself and their families). There's more but those are my major positions and I don't think they make me soft on crime.

    And then, occasionally, a case like this comes along that makes me look downright Conservative: Kansas man charged in rape of 100-year-old ( because my first reaction to it is, "Lock him up for life." The burglary doesn't bother me that much but the rape send me over the edge. And it wouldn't bother me a bit if that lady had had a gun and killed Kasey Nesbitt and his accomplices before or even after she had been raped. And I know that about half of you are saying right now, "Yeah! That's exactly what we should do!" And about half of you are saying, "No way, that's way too harsh." The rest are saying, "I understand your point but I'm just not sure."

    What should happen now is that all three groups should get together, have a discussion and determine some middle ground that we can all live with but that's the exact opposite of what we do. What we do is leave this to DA's (Who in most places are really politicians because they are elected posts), the police and the victims. The worst part of this scheme is including the victims. Why? That's a fair question and I'm going to answer it by paraphrasing (Because I don't remember his exact words) something Ben ( said in a TYT ( video.

    They were talking about the Death Penalty and how victim's families are included in the process and Ben said something like this, "Revenge? We all want revenge. For everything. I want the kid who fucked up my drive-through order to be killed. That's why victim's should be left out of it." Before I go on, I have remind those of you in MOP (MILF's Opposing Profanity) that Ben is the one who can't watch his mouth, not me. Don't stop sleeping with the messenger!

    Now, I want to disagree with Ben a tiny, almost insignificant bit by saying the victims should get a voice. But that's all, a voice, just like the rest of us. Not the final word. And if we did that with everything, not just crime, would it solve all our problems? No. But if we did it with all our problems, there's a good chance we could reduce the problems to a manageable or at least an acceptable level.

    Anyway, it's something to think about. But not today. Thank God, cause all that thinking would just give us a headache and there are far better ways to get headaches. That's why the aforementioned God gave us Fridays. So let's show just how thankful we are by seeing what Fifi, Sommelier, has created for tonight's Theme Drink:


    Citron My Face


    1 oz Absolut Citron
    1/2 oz Grand Marnier
    1-1/2 oz Sour mix
    1 oz 7-Up

    Mixing instructions:

    Mix over ice and strain


    As a totally neutral bystander, I have to say I really like tonight's theme. And the way tonight's Featured Party Game ties into it: Binders Full Of Girls Performing A Modern Interpretation Of Crime And Punishment. Fyodor Dostoyevsky would be so proud if he could only see it.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---George Noory, WOC AM 1420
    Thursday, October 16th, 2014
    12:02 am
    It's Columbus Day, You Bastards

    1492. As children we were taught to memorize this year with pride and joy as the year people began living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America. Actually, people had been living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America for hundreds of years before that. 1492 was simply the year sea pirates began to rob, cheat, and kill them.


    The chief weapon of sea pirates, however, was their capacity to astonish. Nobody else could believe, until it was too late, how heartless and greedy they were.

    ~~~Kurt Vonnegut, Breakfast of Champions~~~

    All you people who felt sure that my annual salute to Columbus Day was going to be late have just learned a very valuable lesson: Never ever doubt my ability to hit a deadline. Cause look. It's only Thursday the 16th and this one isn't even due until Monday the 13th. According to my math, that makes me a full -3 days ahead of schedule.

    I wish I could say the same thing about the budget. Oh, that reminds me! If you happen to see my accountants, don't tell them you're my biggest fan and you would do anything to meet me (Just send me a private message for that and I'll work out the details with you myself. If you're female, include two current photos, a front and rear view and some basic information. If you're unsure of what information to give, just pick up the latest issue of Playboy and answer all the questions on the Playmate Data Sheet), tell them I really need another $408,422.84 to complete It's Columbus Day, You Bastards. Dress nicely and act like you know what you're doing. Tell them you went over my receipts with a fine tooth comb and could find no funny business at all. Every single one of them is a legitimate business expense.

    Now, where was I? Oh, yeah. My calculations indicate that I am a full -3 days early with this one. You have no reason to doubt my math, either, cause I am a proud graduate of The Limbaugh Institute Of Advanced Conservative Mathematical Studies. I didn't just learn Deadline Calculating, either. I also learned that higher global temperatures + shrinking ice caps + rising sea levels = GLOBAL WARMING IS A HOAX!

    Sorry about the all caps but that's how Rush, the Dean of The Limbaugh Institute Of Advanced Conservative Mathematical Studies taught it. He insisted that it not be said but that it be shouted. And you got extra credit if you banged your fist on the table at the same time. But I didn't just take math courses. You know what else I learned? From David (, Rush's brother and frequent guest lecturer at The Limbaugh Institute Of Advanced Conservative Mathematical Studies, I learned that Black people have a place. Barefoot and chained up in the cotton field, except when we decide to use them for target practice.

    You might have heard Dave explain that himself on Glenn's show ( the other day when he talked about how unfair it is that he can't say that Trayvon Martin deserved to be killed because he was Black without him being labeled a racist. You see, you damn Liberals are taking away his religious freedom by not allowing him to shoot Black kids.

    The same way you're trying to ruin Columbus Day! By trying to rewrite history by accurately portraying Chris as a murderer, rapist and thief who enjoyed nothing more than genocide and human trafficking. I swear to Ronald Reagan that if this wasn't a sacred holiday, I'd...I'd...I'd....Well, I'd do something, that's for sure! And you won't like it! Unless you do like that sort of thing and if that's the case, make sure to include it on your Playmate Data Sheet.

    But right now, etiquette dictates that I treat you as if you were a real person because this holiday is all about peace, love, understanding and togetherness. And shopping for furniture. And, to tolerate all the crowds and the sub-human mongrels like you, booze. So let's see what Fifi, my Sommelier, has invented for today's Theme Drink:


    Columbus Day Cocaine Shooter


    1/2 oz Amaretto
    1/2 oz Bailey's irish cream
    1/2 oz Dark Creme de Cacao
    1/2 oz Tia maria
    1/4 oz Half-and-half
    1 splash Coca-Cola

    Mixing instructions:

    Shake with ice and strain. Serve in chilled shot glass.


    Remember, this is a holiday! So say Grace before you guzzle it. And then say Grace again before you start playing tonight's Featured Party Game: Binders Full Of Girls Who Need To Be Civilized. Have fun and before you know it, this stupid holiday will be over and we can all go back to telling each other what we really think.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---George Noory, WOC AM 1420
    Wednesday, October 15th, 2014
    12:01 am
    Preaching To The Choir
    If you're a Liberal, this one is going to be a waste of your time. If you're a Conservative, you have been so thoroughly programmed by your keepers to not believe what I'm about to show you that it isn't going to change your mind. So why am I wasting my time like this? Well, if you're cynical, you'd say it's a combination of laziness---cause I don't have to put any effort into something half the people are going to stop reading after the first sentence and the other half after the second sentence---and writer's block coupled with a strong desire to screw my Agent.

    You're kind of right about me wanting to screw Dru (Have you ever met my Agent? Look, she has her own Wiki entry: because having sex with the evil undead violates the sodomy laws in 43 states and that turns me on but I've already done it so it's not like I'm actively seeking it all the time, so you're really not right at all (I will give you some free advice, though. If you ever find yourself dating a Vampire or as they like to be called now, a Soul Challenged American, never ever say, "Bite me!" Not even as a joke. Seriously.). And I do have writer's block but I am a driven workaholic---However, I'm in a 12 step program for it and I'm making a lot of progress. But other than that, you're totally wrong.

    And I don't even fully have writer's block. I had a really good idea for today. I was going to tell you about the first time I ever appeared nude in a movie. But then when I got to the part where I describe the look on that usher's face as she escorted me out of the theater, it became too hard to go on. So, strike 3.

    Cheer up, though. You're only zero for three and that means you're still way overqualified to play for the Cubs and how many people can say that? Aside from everyone? So don't feel bad about yourself. There are already too many people on that bandwagon. Don't over crowd it.

    But that doesn't mean you shouldn't feel bad in general about everything else for a whole lot of very good reasons. Like, for instance, our entire culture is geared to ripping you off in one way or another. Here's a rather minor, yet especially aggravating example:

    John Oliver on Misleading Labeling of Food Products

    A little more troubling than that one is this one:

    john oliver aug 3 2013 mcdonlds min wage fox

    Before we go any further, I need to point out, just in case you work for the IRS, John Oliver and/or HBO are giving me nothing for these completely uncompensated plugs. As far as you know. And the only thing left to do is point out that those two examples along the millions of others that I'm not mentioning have a huge chance of getting a million times worse because a lot of people are going to vote for the party that wants them to get worse. And they might win big. No wonder you want to play for the Cubs. If things go badly in November, I'm not gonna want to have anything to do with winners, either.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---George Noory, WOC AM 1420
    Tuesday, October 14th, 2014
    7:29 am
    Just Another Short Rant About Idiots Who Deny Climate Change
    I am firmly convinced that all you climate change deniers out there are beyond all hope. I mean, how much more evidence could you possibly need? I'm also aware of your severe mental weaknesses. You're afraid of something that clearly does not exist, a God that cares about this planet. Notice that I didn't say that there is no God, even though that is the most likely scenario but since I can't prove it and for all I know there is a God, I'll even stipulate to it just to move things along. But there is ample evidence that this God could not care less about anything that happens here. And yet, He is what frightens you. At the same time, you are buried in evidence for Global warming and you just smugly laugh it off as a hoax.

    Even so, every time there is a new article such as this one, U.S. Military Prepares for Global Unrest Amid Climate Fears (Op-Ed) (, I get this odd totally unjustified feeling that it will be enough to convince you. And every time, you let me down. These things just make you double-down on junk science, wishful thinking, outright lies and delusion.

    My favorite is the assertion that there has been no warming in 14 or 15 years. The polite response to that is, COW COOKIES! For the appropriate non-polite response, please see my friend Penn ( 2014, for example, is on track to be the warmest year ever (Earth 2014: Warmest six months and year on record?: Just like several other recent years.

    And the conclusion I always come to once I've gotten over all the false hope I have for you is that you must be put away. Don't whine and cry about free speech, either. You are going beyond the bounds of freedom. What you're doing is worse and more dangerous than yelling fire in a crowded theater or screaming HIJACK at the airport. You need to be arrested. Locked up. I would prefer it be in a mental institution because you are too dumb to be accountable but it's too late to worry about niceties, so a regular prison would work just fine.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Monday, October 13th, 2014
    12:04 am
    Best And Worst
    Today is truly the best of times and the worst of times. Where do I even begin? With the best or the worst? Or the strange Twilight Zone like fringe area where they couple in such unnatural and scary ways that anti-Gay Marriage wackos haven't even imagined them?

    Upon careful consideration, I have decided that trying to separate these tangled strands into something coherent and easy to follow is a fool's errand. And contrary to what my friends, colleagues, relatives, loved ones and enemies alike say, I am no fool. Remember, public opinion is right sometimes and The Beatles are #1 and sometimes they get it wrong and Menudo is on top. And right now, friends, Subete A Mi Moto is selling like crazy. And it's not even a bad thing. If you fall in the right demographic. If you think Finnegans Wake is the greatest, easiest to understand novel of all time, then I am God's literary gift to you today. If you find Finnegans Wake baffling, perplexing and astronomically confusing, well, then you might as well start worshiping Satan right now cause God has obviously forsaken you forever.

    Much the same way Charles Dickens has forsaken me. Well, it's not Chuck so much as his lawyers. Every single time I write a novel about a miserable old miser who gets tortured nearly to death by ghosts of the past, present and future on the eve of a major holiday (:::SPOILER ALERT::: My entirely truthful and wholly unauthorized biography of Donald Trump will be available just in time for Christmas) or even begin a Blog post with, "Today is truly the best of times and the worst of times," they send me threatening letters filled with phrases like "Intellectual property theft," and "Cease and desist!"

    And it doesn't even end there. Because his lawyers conspire with my lawyers and it turns into a bunch of people who think they know the law better than I do just because they have store bought degrees from fancy law schools trying to tell me what to do. The worst of the bunch is Grace van Owen, the head of my legal team. She thinks that just because she has a law degree AND she looks just like Laurie Partridge, her legal briefs don't stink and she can tell me what to do anytime she feels like it.

    I could go on but why bother? I'm sure most of you understand completely because you have lawyers that are just as bad as mine are and why butcher a whole hog when you only need to feed five people? So I'll move right along to the other group that's making today the worst of times, my Editor-Chief, Style Manual, my Agent, Drusilla and my Publisher, Bombastic Bushkin. The three of them barged into my office first thing this morning and demanded that I write at least one post this week, starting today, that will not insult and infuriate Conservatives.

    That's ridiculous on so many levels that we couldn't count them even if we had one of NASA's super computers, the kind that's so powerful it allows our astronauts in the secret base on Mars stream TMZ and play Pong at the same time just as fast and smooth as if they were anywhere on Earth. Except America cause our Wi-Fi speeds suck. In the first place, I am a Conservative myself. I was born in 1964 in a small town in Iowa and stayed there until 1982.

    Not really. The truth is that I was born in New York City in 1996. I am 18 years old, not 50. But since The Man altered my Birth Certificate and tons of other "official" documents, and people are so programmed to accept the "Official Story" I just gave up. I tried. I went on the Alex Jones Show 15 times and when his audience wouldn't even accept it, that's when I said, screw it. I presented tons of proof to backup my story but it's just like 911. It doesn't matter what really happened. People just won't let the Truth shake up their happy little entirely false sense of security.

    So fine, I won't argue with you. I'll go along with the fairy-tale you find so comfortable. I was born in a small town in Iowa in 1964 and ipso facto, I am a Conservative. So how could I infuriate and insult other Conservatives? It's utterly impossible but try telling Style, Dru and Bombastic that. All we need now is for Rod Serling to step out of the shadows and explain how madness has staged a coup d'état on sanity.

    And since Rod seems to be busy doing something else, I guess I have to do it. You thought I was joking when I said it was the worst of times, didn't you? And now you see just how wrong you were. Submitted for your approval, an ordinary man in an ordinary time and place living his ordinary life. A simple greeting cards salesman by trade, living alone in his tiny 480 room shack on his small 5000 acre estate with nothing but his live-in 489 member all girl staff to keep him company. But just how ordinary is his life?

    Let us count the ways. First of all. I'm still suspended from Acme Greeting Cards. I've told you this story before but since your memory ain't worth a plug nickel anymore, I'll tell it again. It all started late in 2012 when the Chief told me to topple the government of Toronto. So I went to Canada and leaked some videos to a local TV station and tipped off the cops and a few months later, the job was done.

    Then, all of a sudden, Canada got mad and it nearly started a war and that's when the Chief started saying things like, "YOU IDIOT!!!! I said TOBAGO, NOT TORONTO!!!!!!" He swears to this day that he said Tobago. He even altered the official orders so they say Tobago. And he always starts swigging Tagamet straight from the bottle whenever it comes up. Because he says I give him ulcers. You know, the same way every pot smoker swears he has glaucoma. And who are you going to believe, a drug addict or me?

    So I got unfairly suspended. With full pay thanks to my Union, Pipe-Fitters, Cake Decorators and Greeting Cards Salesmen Local, 303. But you know me. I don't let a bit of bad luck get me down. But it gets me down anyway. Since I couldn't go to work anymore, I started devoting more time to my part-time job, writing Nobel Prize winning novels, screenplays and TV shows along with the occasional work of nonfiction.

    Writing is difficult for me, especially fiction because I was born without a sense of imagination. But I deal with the handicap and it even has an upside. Everything I write is absolutely true. That will change if they ever perfect Imagination transplants...They can do it with mice right now but they're still a long way from being able to do it with humans...but for right now, anything requiring imagination, including fiction, is beyond me. Except for my many works of fiction, which can be considered nothing short of miracles because I can't produce them but I do anyway.

    And you would think that would make Style, Dru and Bombastic happy but no. They seemed to be happier when I was spending less time writing. And they vent their frustration by saying asinine things like I insult and infuriate Conservatives. And then they forbid me to write what I wanted to write today. I saw something about Gay Marriage starting in Alaska and another story about the Vatican finally opening the Catholic Church to Gays and I wanted to write about them but no.

    That, according to some people I'm not going to name because I've already named them at least twice, would insult and infuriate Conservatives. And that's why I'm telling you this story instead of what I really want to do, which is to rub the Conservatives noses in the latest news from the Vatican: Vatican proposes 'stunning' shift on gays, lesbians ( The same way I rubbed their noses in the Bush Bigwigs saying they are stupid and dangerous for not believing in Global Warming (Reagan, Nixon, and Bush Officials Push Congress to Act on Global Warming:

    So that covers not nearly everything but the very worst of the Worst that is plaguing me today. You know what else is the worst of the worst? I wanted to call this one, It's Thanksgiving, You Bastards, because it's Thanksgiving Day in Canada. But Style, Dru and Bombastic said NO to that, too. They said I would just use it as a platform to explain how the Metric Calendar is fatally flawed and in their minds, that would insult and infuriate the 98% or so of the world that still uses the Metric System. It wouldn't, of course, but they just won't listen to reason.

    So this is what I'm stuck with. To keep all the crazy people in my life happy...And I'm not even mentioning the craziest one of all, Suzette, my Chief Executive Vice President In Charge Of Domestic Bliss and Chef De Cuisine cause explaining how crazy she is would take all night...all I'm going to do today is tell you I'm going to Canada to see my friend, Shania Dion. She's a dancer in Moose Jaw. She works at one of the local ballet companies up there but she's taking today off because it's a holiday.

    And we're gonna have a traditional Canadian Thanksgiving dinner consisting of turkey, stuffing, beer and donuts. That is the Best Of Times that I referred to earlier. So is everyone happy now? Thanks to my lawyers and my Writing Staff, you got a completely boring serving of just a typical day for me but no one was insulted and/or infuriated. I hope the trade-off was worth it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get to Moose Jaw so Canada won't be mad at me for being late.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---George Noory, WOC AM 1420
    Sunday, October 12th, 2014
    12:44 am
    This Week's Sermon
    Unlike most of my fellow clergy-people, my top priority is not taking your money or molesting your children. I just presuppose that you will prevent your eternal suffering in the Lake Of Fire by giving me your money and leaving your kids at home where they belong because I don't care about them at all, so I can concentrate on what most pastors slight or neglect entirely, your Fallen Condition Focus (FCF). That sounds overly technical and complicated but it's actually very simple. Your FCF is the sins that are preventing you from having a personal relationship with God and keeping you out of Heaven.

    So it's not complicated but it is a large issue because you didn't stop at Original Sin, did you? Nope, you treat life as if it were Satan's All You Can Eat Sin Buffet. Don't you? Of course you do. Otherwise you wouldn't be here. You'd be spending your Sunday morning doing something you like instead of doing the spiritual equivalent of brushing and flossing so you won't find out your soul is full of cavities and you need about 100 root canals when you die.

    You scandal mongers can just calm down. Get a grip. Simply equating eternal damnation with visiting the dentist does not make me an anti-dentite ( I have nothing but respect and love for dentists. Even when they are needlessly and joyfully torturing me. For God will judge them.

    And even if I were an anti-dentite, it wouldn't matter because we're talking about you, not me. It's a good thing for you, too, because I am about to absolve you of all your sins but one. It's not going to take forever, either. I hope you remember this the next time you consider dumping me for a younger, fitter and far more attractive preacher, too, because those slutty air-headed tramps can't do for you what I do for you. They've got nothing that I don't have! And this is my biggest advantage, I'm far too old and impatient to counsel you to self-discovery and self-healing---That's a journey that takes a lifetime---so I'm just going to cast a magic spell and be done with it.

    Here we go. Hoc Est Corpus Meum Hocus Pocus! OK, this is where I'm supposed to light some incense and make this place look like Cheech & Chong's living room but I forgot it this morning so I'm just going to switch off the No Smoking sign and it'll be just as good. Come on, everyone. Light up. Party like it's 1942---The last time you could smoke in the Lord's House without getting arrested and excommunicated.

    Very good. We're done and you are now 99.999% sin free! And now you're probably wondering about the one sin that that little ceremony didn't take care of. It's a legitimate worry because it is the one thing still standing between you and eternal Paradise. And I really wish I could just come out and tell you what it is and how to remedy it but it's not that simple.

    We have hit a stumbling block because this comes down to politics and the IRS says that I can't tell you who to vote for anymore or I'll have to start paying taxes and I don't want to pay taxes. What I can do is to remind you that we have just been blessed with a miracle: New diabetes breakthrough 'bigger than the discovery of insulin' (

    The other safe, nontaxable thing I can do is remind you that this miracle came from Stem Cell Research: Stem-cell research’s potential worth supporting ( And now I am on dangerous, unstable, potentially taxable ground so I have to be very careful about how I make this next point.

    There is one party...Let's call them the Freakin' Stupid And Backwards Party...that does not support Stem Cell Research. And there is one party that does support it. And you have the power to put one of them in charge of the country. Again, let me be very clear about this: I am NOT telling you who you should vote for.

    I am only saying that you can save your own Ass (It's a Biblical term, look it up instead of giggling like a 12 year old!) by supporting Donkeys and telling elephants where they can go. Again, I'm sorry for the IRS imposed vagueness but I can't do anything about it. I can only pray that you will read between the lines, decode the message and save your Soul by doing the right thing. Amen.

    One last thing. Donkeys and elephants are just metaphors. Do not mistreat them or you will will feel the wrath of PETA.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---George Noory, WOC AM 1420
    Saturday, October 11th, 2014
    12:28 am
    The Nazi's And The GOP
    I saw a show on the History Channel today that had an an expert explaining that the Nazi's were not a political party, they were a cult. She went on to explain how they controlled people through a variety of ways, most especially by dictating who they could marry and what they could do in their private sex lives. Then they went to another expert who explained how the Nazi's further controlled people by dictating purely whimsical science.

    He then gave a brief overview of Welteislehre ( which says that there was no Big Bang. It says that a giant block of ice slammed into the sun and shattered into billions of pieces which became the planets and everything else in the solar system. Adolf Hitler and his cronies didn't create or even commission Welteislehre. It was invented long before they came to power, in 1894 by Hans Hörbiger.

    The Nazi's seized the idea, though, and made it state doctrine. To solve a major problem. By the 1930's, the entire world was beginning to accept the ideas of Albert Einstein and that would not do. Because he was a Jew. So he had to be wrong. So Adolf and his pals said that Welteislehre was the true answer. It fit Nazi purposes very well for a lot of reasons but mostly because it made white snow a sort of God. White just like the Master Race.

    It was absurdly and laughable, so much so that Heinrich Himmler even had to issue this official Propaganda Ministry statement, "One can be a good National Socialist without believing in the WEL." But it is was still required to be taught to children as the Gospel Truth and that's all that really matters. Adults aren't completely useless for maintaining a cult but they do have, as the Republicans will find out, possibly as soon as next month, have very short shelf lives. Kids are the real prize.

    Anyway, I'm glad you brought up Republicans there in that last paragraph because just like you, I'm wondering if those experts on the History Channel were really talking about the GOP and not the Nazi's. Everything they said applies equally to both. Oh, the GOP has different scientific ideas but they are every bit as screwball as Welteislehre.

    That doesn't mean I don't admire the GOP. Sure, I wish all the of them would just die already or at least stop voting but as a mind controlling cult, they are awesome. The only other cult that comes even close to accomplishing what they have were the Nazi's and they only lasted 12 years.

    Unless of course, you count all the Western religions, who are even bigger and better run cults but you shouldn't count them. In the first place, the GOP is basically just a Christianity farm team anyway and in the second place, it's just not fair to bring Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig to a Little League game.

    The latest example of just how awesome they are is playing itself out in Texas. Greg Abbott is leading Wendy Davis by 14% (Greg has 54% in the polls while Wendy has 40%). And sure, a miracle could happen but things look pretty bleak right now. To add insult to injury, some of the mind controlled sheep have the nerve to ask if one of Wendy's ads goes too far: Wendy Davis ad uses wheelchair to criticize paralyzed foe Abbott (

    Instead of saying, "Yeah, that retarded crippled boy is for sale to the highest bidder and he won't do anything for me," the residents of Texas are criticizing Wendy for pointing it out to them. And his hypocritical stance on victims isn't even the worst way he wants to screw Texas. Look at this:

    Rachel Maddow's Brutal Takedown of Abbott's Ruling to Keep Secret Dangerous Chemicals (Extended)

    He wants to endanger you and your family so his billionaire friends can make more money. And it looks like he is going to win. And keep winning. Until the day when the kids, the biggest and most fatal link in the Conservative chain, take over. They do, just like Hitler did, have a Wonder Weapon backup plan, though. If they can bring about the end of human civilization through Global Warming, they will walk away from the table as the victor. Will they succeed? I don't want to scare you so I won't give you the poll numbers on it. I'll just say that miracles do sometimes happen and maybe this November will be one of them.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---George Noory, WOC AM 1420
    Friday, October 10th, 2014
    4:17 am
    It's Friday, You Bastards
    Thank you, Republicans. For if it weren't for people like you, I wouldn't get entertaining letters like this:


    We have received instruction from the Police Department,Home land Security and the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) here in the United States of America to prosecute you over allegations of money laundering and terrorist ($10.7M USD) related activities to which there is over whelming evidence of your involvement.

    Note that a copy of this email have been forwarded to the U.S.A POLICE/AUTHORITIES and will be ordered for your immediate arrest, The need for your urgent prosecution arose from your inability to secure the mandatory Clearance Certificate from the Economic And Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC) Nigeria inspite of several opportunities given to you by the Police Department,Home land Security and FBI.

    In view of the indicting report submitted to the Police Department, Home land Security and FBI by the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC), the Police Department ,Home land Security and FBI has recommended for your immediate prosecution. You just have to obtain the required Certificate from EFCC- CHAIRMAN, Mr. Ibrahim Lamorde here is His e-mail address : ( contact him, and the Certificate will cost you $98.00 only and your advise to send the $98.00 to Efcc chairman Mr. Ibrahim Lamorde so that the certificate will be issue on your name today.

    Here is the information for you to send out the $98.00 via western to the EFCC

    Receiver Name -----IBEH GODWIN
    Address:.........LAGOS NIGERIA.
    Test Question------GOD
    Test Answer-------GOOD

    ASSURANCE : From our investigation and final conclusion with the EFCC-CHAIRMAN, Mr. Ibrahim Lamorde, If Mr. Ibrahim Lamorde failed to E-mail your Clearance Certificate after you send the required amount then we will get him arrested and pay you back all the money owed you, And you are made within three (3) working days, or you will be arrested. Therefore, you are also required to keep us updated as soon as you finalizes with EFCC- CHAIRMAN, Mr. Ibrahim Lamorde.

    We are giving you notice of service of writing of summons after seven days of receiving this letter by mail. If after the seven days and you are not able to obtain the Certificate to clear yourself before the Police Department ,Home land Security and FBI, Legal prosecution will begin immediately.

    Justice delayed is justice denied.
    Yours in service,
    Eric H. Holder, Jr.


    Really. If there weren't for you people who think that Mitt Romney is a good leader, there is no Global Warming because the weather is nice in Wisconsin today and Trickle Down Economics works, et al, I wouldn't get entertaining emails from Eric H. Holder, Jr. So, thank you, Jethro and Jethrine, for being the most gullible rubes that ever fell off a turnip truck.

    And for asking questions like this, "Is Sarah Palin smarter than Barack Obama?" Really. I didn't make that up. Some Republican Brain Surgeon/Rocket Scientist actually posted that question on Quora. Dig it:


    Is Sarah Palin smarter than Barack Obama?

    Obama graduated from Columbia, and then from Harvard Law (Magna Cum Laude, which means as an "A" student) and was the president of the Law Review. He went on to be a law professor* in Chicago for 12 years, successfully completed a senatorial term and is about to finish his second term as the President of the United States.

    Palin barely scraped by college, was an abysmal mayor of a small town, and was wrapped up in scandal as the Governor of Alaska before quitting half way through her first and only term. She has admitted to not understanding basic questions about civics, journalism, history, politics, foreign affairs, and basic science.

    Why are we even asking this question?

    ---- Addendum
    * Before I hear one more complaint that "he wasn't a professor", please read the web site of University of Chicago law school. He was a Senior Lecturer, which is considered a professor position, and was offered numerous times to join the faculty.


    The really sad thing is that if you're planning on voting for any Republicans in November, the odds are pretty good that he or she is even dumber and less qualified than Sarah, because she's pretty much the cream of your crop. Think about that for a minute. Sarah Palin is the best you can do. And then go spend the rent money on a handful of magic beans cause that's what you're gonna do anyway.

    And thank your lucky stars that the over-served rules only apply to people with very high BAC's, not people like you who just naturally act drunk all the time. At the bar, you get treated just like a Liberal...Until you get so drunk that you have an excuse for being so stupid. Ironic, isn't it? So let's see what Fifi, my Sommelier, has cooked up for tonight's Theme Drink:


    Stumbling Around Like A Conservative


    1/3 oz Jägermeister
    1/3 oz Rumple Minze
    1/3 oz Aftershock

    Mixing instructions:

    Mix all three in a shooter! Slight burn on the way down is normal, just enjoy it.


    Before I go on, I need to point out that Style Manual, my Editor-In-Chief, thinks I've been too hard on Conservatives in this one. She wants a full rewrite. It's so hard to get good help these days. But, just in case she does have a point, I'm going to leave it up to you. Have a few drinks, think it over, have a few more drinks and then, if you can still pass a Breathalyzer and the literacy test and have the proper identification (We don't want any voter fraud. Oh and you people in Florida don't get to go to the bathroom while you're waiting in line, unless you want to lose your place), you can vote on it and we'll let whatever state my brother happens to be the governor of settle it. And then, if I'm outvoted, I'll do a full rewrite. Oh, and FOX News has to agree with the results, too.

    In the meantime, let's play tonight's Featured Party Game: Binders Full Of Girls Who Will Do Anything To Get You To Vote The Right Way. These girls are really good, too. I just picked them up in Washington at the Values Voter Summit 2014. They are the reason Ted Cruz won the Straw Poll. I even voted for Ted. Of course, I had to use a fake ID because I'm not a real Conservative and those people are really strict about voting but we really don't want to get into that.

    Oh! I also picked up a Whites Only sign after it was over. I really don't have any use for it, so if you're staging a play set in the 1950's or 60's or even one set in current day Mississippi, you're welcome to have it. I wish I could give you a "Long-haired freaky people need not apply," sign too but people were fighting over them and I didn't think it was worth it so you'll have to find one of them on your own.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---George Noory, WOC AM 1420
    Thursday, October 9th, 2014
    12:01 am
    Jesus H. Christ In A Chicken Basket! Volume II
    According to at least one web site (, 4,600 kids between the ages of ten and twenty-four in the US commit suicide every year. And according to everyone I talk to and everything I read, this is a bad thing. And yet, I still keep seeing stories like this:

    Unusual Punishment Stops Teen From Ever Skipping School Again

    I'm not making any judgments here. I'm not even going to tell you that if you, especially if you're young, don't want to go through anymore of this, suicide is the only choice that makes any sense at all. My only purpose here tonight is ask all you people who say you're against suicide, "Why do you support morons like the mother in that video?"

    Don't try to pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. In the first place, I know that many, probably most of you, are against suicide and I am hearing support for that mother from just about everyone so I know the crossover is huge (If you don't support her, I apologize for wasting your time). And my question is, what happens if the girl in the video says, "No. This is not acceptable," and ends it by doing the only thing she can, by ending her own life?

    Are you going to then say that she was crazy? Because life is so wonderful for everyone all the time that you'd have to be insane to not want to be here? History tells me that's exactly what you're gonna say. History also tells me that another 4,600 kids are going to kill themselves this year and you're gonna keep complaining whining about how sad it is. Deductive reasoning tells me that for a at least a few of them, the straw that breaks the camel's back is going to be an incident like the one you just saw in the video. Most of them probably aren't that big and dramatic but that doesn't mean they are any less harmful.

    Even if they don't go viral. Even if they don't get filmed at all. And even when these cases don't end in suicide, how many behaviors do they cause that we all complain about? Complaining about what kids do is just about the biggest sport in America even though we, not the kids, are mostly responsible for it.

    But since my main focus here is suicide, let's get back to it. If you're against it, especially against kids doing it, why do you encourage so many of them to do it by supporting crazy parents like the one in the video? Why do you support anti-Gay laws and customs---That's one area where we don't have to do much guesswork because countless suicide notes list Gay issues and how hard being Gay is as the cause.

    Why do we ask kids to live in a world where they don't have equal rights and the cops and people like George Zimmerman are free to just shoot them whenever they feel like it and then complain when they say, "No thanks." And then there economic and political issues. Instead of insisting that everyone who wants a job can have one and a happy comfortable life, we spend all our time and resources arguing about things like abortion and gun rights. And what about all the ones we arrest and charge with producing child pornography when they send naked pictures to each other? If you were 15 and facing being labeled as a sex offender for the rest of your life, wouldn't suicide look pretty good? Wouldn't it be the most logical choice you could make?

    Another thing about the anti-suicide crowd is that they've already won. Circumstances dictate that far more than 4,600 kids should be killing themselves every year and yet people still whine and cry about it. And then they add insult to injury by calling the suicides crazy.

    I guess the only thing I'm trying to say here is that if you're really against suicide, start acting like it by not being part of the problem. When people act like the crazy mother in the video, don't encourage them. Condemn them. Same thing goes for everyone from bad politicians to your loud mouthed uncle who can't even understand that Voodoo Economics doesn't work.

    And if you want more kids to kill themselves, that's fine with me, too. All I ask is that you start being honest about it and then treat them with a little respect after you drive them to an early grave. Stop trying to have everything both ways because it doesn't work. People are actually dying because of it. And it's very annoying.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---George Noory, WOC AM 1420
    Wednesday, October 8th, 2014
    5:21 am
    Jesus H. Christ In A Chicken Basket!
    Just what is the Supreme Court smoking? Yesterday, they did something decent (By doing nothing and thereby allowing Gay Marriage in five states) and today, for an encore, they decide to do this: Supreme Court puts hold on same-sex marriage in Idaho, Nevada (

    The message seems to be crystal clear and well intentioned. Anthony Kennedy is saying, "Look, this is the sort of thing that happens when you let Conservatives be in charge of anything. VOTE FOR DEMOCRATS!" The problem is that the people who vote for Republicans are far too stupid to listen to messages like that, no matter how loudly they're shouted and the end result will be a lot of people in Idaho and Nevada are going to needlessly suffer. For nothing.

    That may seem redundant but you have to remember I'm talking about the Republicans. You just can't use words like "needless" and "nothing" too often when you're talking about them. Still. we like to stay upbeat and positive, don't we? So let's throw reality out the window and assume that Tony's message will be heard and heeded by Republicans and Democrats alike and not one Republican will win anything in November.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Tuesday, October 7th, 2014
    10:07 am
    Feeling Better?
    If you've spent any time at all here, you know how nervous I am about the upcoming election. But there are times when I wonder if I'm just wasting a lot of perfectly good paranoia on something that's going to be fine. That would help me out a lot because I have plenty of other things to worry about that I'm kind of slighting right now.

    But it's really hard to shake this feeling of impending doom about the election. You're way too young to remember but I have vivid memories of watching George W. Bush win. Twice. It scarred me for life. I am shell shocked. I think you kids call it PTSD these days. But I think I'm getting better. At least sometimes. For a little while.

    When I see stories like this, 2016: When Republican presidential candidates will finally take drug policy reform seriously (, I'm reminded of just how out of touch the GOP is with regular people and how they're desperately trying to correct it by doing too little too late. And how that puts every one of their candidates in the same position Mitt was in in 2012.

    They have nothing. That's Nothing with a capital N. That doesn't mean they can't win...If you don't believe me, I refer you to the current Congress...but it does mean they can't win for much longer AND it means the losing might start in November. I am further bolstered by Joni Ernst.

    Just in case you don't live in Iowa or next to Iowa, I should explain that she's maybe the biggest worthless whore that ever lived. She's in bed with the Koch brothers and they are paying her exactly what you would figure two repulsive men their age would have to pay even someone as old and repulsive as Joni.

    Anyway, all she wants to do, should she be elected, is to get rid of healthcare, the EPA, Social Security, Medicaid while giving huge tax breaks to her biggest customers. And her ads don't mention any issues...In the primary, her ads bragged about how much she loves guns and torturing animals just like any good psychopath. But now, they consist only of veterans...Undoubtedly fake veterans, just like the Blacks, Asians and old white people in the Republican ads...talking vaguely about leadership and values.

    Now I'm not underestimating the capacity for Iowans to be stupid, so she might win. But I'm also not underestimating their potential to do something really good and that gives me hope. And if Iowa can do it, every other state can, too. And just today, Ed ( spent some time talking about how this election could good go right because the Republicans are so desperate.

    So maybe I should stop worrying. Or maybe I should worry more. I still don't know. This is obviously going to take more thought. So I'm going to leave it at that at this point and leave you with this, a nice video that shows another out of touch desperate Republican who just doesn't get it and is also sleeping with the Kochs:

    Ted Cruz Takes A Stand For Bigotry & Intolerance

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Red State Update: Episode 40: This Ain't My First Racist Ro
    Monday, October 6th, 2014
    9:11 am
    Good News That Really Isn't

    BREAKING: Supreme Court Clears Way for Gay Marriage in 5 States

    News just broke that the Supreme Court denied review for all five pending same-sex marriage cases. That means the way is cleared for marriage equality in Indiana, Oklahoma, Utah, Virginia and Wisconsin.

    This is a HUGE victory for equality! And we can't think of a better reason to celebrate. So, we're giving away free I <3 EQUALITY bumper stickers to our best supporters. After all, it’s thanks to grassroots supporters like you that marriage equality can enjoy this much success!


    Don't get wrong. I am just as thrilled as everyone else about this new Marriage Equality news. I went and ordered my free EQUALITY bumper sticker, too. But at the same time, I am just as bitter and angry about it as the people who see this as THE END OF THE WORLD. If you're really interested in what they have to say, I suggest you go listen to Jim ( today because I'm sure he'll go over in great detail how this is gonna anger God and bring about the ruination of everything. And I'm just as upset as he is.

    So why am I so hopelessly unable to be happy even in the face of really good news? Because it's not really all that good. Why is the way clear for Marriage Equality in only five states now? Why isn't it clear for all the states that don't already have Equality? Just like with the Death Penalty, every time a court does something with marriage that you would think would apply to everyone everywhere---it just doesn't. Some folks get protected and some still get slaughtered.

    Now, you people who are dying to say, "Greg, why does this bother you so much? You aren't Gay and you've said many times both privately and publicly that you'll never get married again (Just like George Clooney did: Never Say Never: A Look Back at George Clooney's Infamous Quotes About Marriage:, so we know you're no big fan of marriage," may as well say it. So I can answer that I'm not Black or female or a prisoner, either, but that doesn't mean I want to have to live in a society that treats them like second class garbage.

    That's why I'm just as upset about this as Jim Fisher is. And I know you're next line of attack is going to be, "Relax, in the future, all this will straightened out and it will be legal everywhere. Even people as dumb as Jim can see that." And that's all well and good if you're really young and have lots of patience. But look at me. I'm fifty years old now, so how long do I have left? Three, maybe four days? Why can't I see the US do something right before I die?

    And even if you don't care about me (I can't see how you possibly couldn't but let's say for the sake of argument that you don't), what about the people who are dying and would like to get married before they go? Illinois decided to deal with that by passing a special law (Illinois Gay Marriage: Same-Sex Couples Allowed To Marry Early For Medical Reasons: and after jumping through extra hoops they shouldn't have had to deal with, some couples were allowed to be married before one of them died but what about all the people in all the states who will be long gone before their states do the right thing?

    Call me hopelessly old fashioned if you want but things like that bother me. A lot. It gets even scarier when you consider that if we can't even get something as simple as marriage right, it means we are getting everything else wrong, too. Even the things we don't yet realize we're getting wrong. That we may one day get it right is of little comfort. To make a long story short, that's why I'm not happy about the way being cleared for Marriage Equality in five states.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Sunday, October 5th, 2014
    9:17 am
    This Week's Sermon
    Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom which cannot be shaken, let us have grace, by which we may serve God acceptably with reverence and godly fear.

    ~~~Hebrews 12:28

    Brothers and sisters, I have to start this week's sermon by saying I'm sorry to be the one chosen to shake the Kingdom that cannot be shaken but I will quickly add that someone had to do it and since Fate picked me, I will try to not complain about it too much. Mine is not to reason why so I will not question why I was volunteered for this mission, I will simply complete it with all my customary grace, reverence and Godly fear.

    Now shall we get on with the shaking? All opposed say nay. Let the record show there were no nay votes. Motion carries. We shall shake. But first, a little of the background that has led us to this point. Brethren, the genesis of the shaking lay in the fact that I couldn't find an especially uplifting and entertaining story about religion...Well, there is one but it came in after the deadline so we will save it for later...this week, so I decided to use this time for confession.

    Starting with me. That's sounds absurd, because how could a perfect Saint like me (I was also the Pope for a while. But most folks just call me Saint Gregory the Great now. I don't want to brag or anything but look, I have my own Wiki entry ( and they don't give them to just anyone) have something to confess?

    I will admit that it took a very long time to find a flaw within myself but I finally found one. It's probably the only one but that's OK because all we need is one. Unless I decide to use this bit again sometime in the future, in which case we'll be in real trouble but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Right now, though, we're saved because I can say unto you, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I am a Conservative."

    I know you aren't going to believe that without tons of supporting evidence because extraordinary claims require extraordinary proof. It also doesn't help that people have been calling me a Liberal for thousands of years. So I am going to once again do the impossible by showing you this:

    This Is The Income Inequality Video CEOs Don’t Want Americans To See

    Now, if you missed it, the reason this proves that I'm a Conservative is that it shows that most Americans think a fair executive to ordinary worker pay ratio is 7:1. Because I would be comfortable if it was 50:1. Now, I do have conditions attached to it. In the first place, the playing field has to be level. If you're a half Black, half Asian cross-dressing Lesbian who used to be Muslim but are now an Atheist and you're covered in tattoos, you have to have the same opportunities and advantages as someone like me.

    In the other first place, if you are running a company and you get 50 times what your lowest paid employee is making, you have to earn it. You can't be mediocre or worse and just keep getting away with it. In other words, you have to do such a good job that all your employees are doing so well that they don't mind that you're making up to 50 times what they are.

    There are other things, too, like the return of the tax structure that Cenk talked about. Over about $3 million, you would have to pay 90% in taxes and if you want to be a multi-billionaire, that's fine but you're gonna have to work really really hard for it. And there's a little more but that's the essence of what really sets me apart from the people who have co-opted the Conservative title. They are lazy welfare queens who want everything at your expense.

    So that's my confession, I am a genuine true Conservative. To me, hard work means reward, not the chance to make people like Mitt Romney more rich. To the faux Conservatives, you are a slave that they have to grudgingly give a little food and shelter to so they can profitably work you to death while at the same time telling you, you aren't a success because you're lazy. Did you look at the productivity chart in the video? Yep, Linda Lovelace never got screwed at work as much as you are.

    Whew. I feel million tons lighter now that I have confessed my biggest and probably only sin. Now it's your turn. The Confessional, AKA the comments section, is now open. Feel free to confess anything. No ones gonna judge you. We're just gonna tell you you're going to Hell, that's all. And keep in mind that the best and most entertaining sins usually involve some kind of fornication. So if you want to make Sinner Of The Year, you're gonna have to spice it up a little.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Red State Update: Episode 40: This Ain't My First Racist Ro
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