Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Greg's Blurty:

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Tuesday, July 8th, 2008
5:40 pm	Three In A Row? This is completely impossible. It's just like when I invented perpetual motion...well, strictly speaking, I didn't invent perpetual motion but I did buy a perpetual motion machine and I think that should get more recognition than it gets. Anyway, whether you recognize my brilliance for buying other peoples' ingenious inventions once they are mass marketed, thereby saving my workshop's pristine appearance and avoiding Suzette's never ending complaints about blowing things up, or not, you have to admit that this is impossible. And what makes it impossible is the fact that this, the very blog you are reading, is being written by me and I am currently being plagued by the most horribly aggressive bout of unrelenting writer's block the world has ever seen. It's been going on for several days now and I haven't been able to write a single word, including the ones you're reading now. Yeah, I know, I wrote an entry yesterday but it doesn't count because I wasn't able to get it to do what I wanted it to do. Not that it would have done much if I had been able to bend it to my will but it would have done something and that's what counts. So this is the third day in a row...I think...that I haven't written anything. Maybe I'll set a record. Yeah, i think I'll do that. Even if the writer's block somehow goes away. Because it ain't over till I say it is. Take that, Dean Wormer. I can write all I want and still have writer's block. And why not? At my age, I should be entitled to do things that can't be done. I obeyed all those stupid laws of physics for 44 years but no more. Today, I am free. And the writer's block record will be mine! Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM----Monday July 7th, 2008 (Comment on this)
Monday, July 7th, 2008
4:01 pm	Karma Is Just Another Scam This is the day that finally did it. I have totally, completely, utterly, now and forever given up on the idea of Karma. You know, that quaint, false, 100% made up work of preposterous fiction that makes the typical tax return look like a paragon of integrity that states if you do good things for others, good things will return to you. Yeah, that one. And this isn't easy for me. I am the most upbeat, positive, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade, the glass is half full, singin' in the rain while the raindrops keep falling on my head but that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turnin' red kind of person who has ever lived. But today was too much and I hereby declare Karma to be just another scam! Look at me. I do everything right! I treat everyone right! I do all the right things! Always! People, plants, animals, even inanimate objects, I treat them all as they would want to be treated and how I want to be treated. I don't even complain about all the calls from Mother Teresa begging for me advice on how to be a Saint! I even joyfully let her reverse the charges---it costs a lot more now than when she lived in India, whew! Talk about a long distance call, but do I complain about that? NO! And where does it get me? How is all this good Karma returned to me? Am I showered in good fortune, adulation and love? That's what should be happening but it never quite works like that. Take today, for example. The day that tore my unbreakable spirit in two and shredded my indestructible positive outlook. Fifi, my Sommelier, came to me and said that she wanted more room behind the bar and more space in the wine cellar. She wanted to remove a wall and get rid of a closet that we never use anyway and just extend the bar and back bar and then put up a few extra racks in the wine cellar. I considered that for a moment and it said it was a great idea...for a girl. I then called my Head Architect, Clerestori and told her to bring her sketchpad. I then proceeded to dictate what I must say---with all due modesty, I might add---is the best idea I've had in the last 36 hours, which makes it the best idea anyone has ever had anytime, anywhere. It was a magnificent fifty story addition to the bar area themed like a tree house. Fifi got her additional bar space, fifty stories worth, and all of us got a terrific brand new vertical drinking environment on fifty different levels all connected with stairs, elevators, ladders, rope ladders, slides, vines, trap doors, trampolines, water slides, fire poles and rock climbing walls. In short--with all due modesty---it was the greatest idea ever thought of. Until I had my next idea. I told Clerestori to get the machines they used to dig the Chunnel and use them to connect our wine cellar with The Napa Valley, since that's where all the good wine comes from anyway and it would slash transportation costs while at the same time giving Fifi lots of extra storage space. Then I told her to keep going till she gets to Europe since I really don't like wine all that much but I really dig Heineken and why shouldn't I have direct access to the brewery? Everything was going like clockwork. The sketches were giving way to blue prints and we were practically ready for the groundbreaking ceremony...I was even picking out some of the accessories we'd need like the new juke boxes, pool tables, slot machines, video games and the ceremonial G-strings the dancers would wear on opening night and then... Do I even have to say what happened next? I suppose so, since this is as much for posterity as it is for you, not that it will matter, because posterity never learns from the mistakes of the past but at least it sets me up to say, "I told you so!" Anyway, the next thing that happened is that Suzette, my Chef De Cuisine and Chief Executive Vice President In Charge Of Domestic Bliss walked in and ruined everything. She looked at the sketches and said it was absurd. Then she said it would homicidal madness to serve people liquor and then subject them to fifty stories of death laden rope ladders, fire poles, trap doors and trampolines. I didn't get mad. It's not her fault she's old---when she tells you her age, take it with a grain of salt because by my count, this will be the fourth time she's been 25---and I understand senility and I'm sensitive to it. So I told her to go knit a sweater and mind her own business. And she told me---well, you know how senile people are...sort of like George Carlin, except not as calm and easy going and more vulgar. And not nearly as funny or reasonable. George never once said that I couldn't build a fifty story bar. I'm even confident that he would have loved the idea of drunks trying to navigate 500 feet of homicidal madness. So I tried to reason with her. I said, "Don't you see that this is what the Jungle Room should have been? Don't you remember all those parties at Graceland? Oh yeah, you weren't even born yet, and now you're trying to tell me how to design a party space?" And she said---oh, what does it matter? Let's just cut to the sad unhappy ending: I don't get my fifty story bar OR even a wine cellar that goes to Europe! So that's the reward for being perfect. The big payoff for being flawless. So that's it, you can either be a Saint like me and get nothing or you can raise an army, conquer half the world and open a chain of concentration camps and then end up in a bunker with nothing---THANKS FOR ALL THE CHOICES, GOD!!!!!! (And thanks Sam, for that apt quote) And that's why I no longer believe in Karma. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM----Sunday July 6th, 2008 (Comment on this)
Friday, July 4th, 2008
9:40 am	It's Friday The Fourth Of July, You Bastards This one of those moments that boldly highlights the schism between the "There are no coincidences," folks and the, "Everything is just random chance," people. It all started (Well, it has always been going on but this latest round begins where I am about to say where it begins) a couple of weeks ago when I listened to the Art Bell interview with George Carlin. George talked for a bit about how fascinating it is when a murderer is caught and his friends and neighbors say that they never would have suspected him because he was such a nice and completely ordinary guy. He also said that he, the biggest hardcore non believing skeptic this side of Penn And Teller, would be completely open to a super natural experience and that is related to this whole thing but I'm not going to go into it because this is already convoluted enough. Then there was the mass murderer who was just caught near St. Louis who began his killing spree right here in the general area of the Quad Cities...he even stole a truck here in Rock Island but he didn't kill anyone here, not that we know of yet anyway...and lots of people said he looked like a killer after he was caught but apparently no one thought so before he was caught. Then there was the Kerwin Summage case and the column that Sean Leary wrote about it [] and how he said that had no clue that Summage would ever be involved in anything like that---I guess that Summage was a rap artist of some kind and Sean had covered his work. That reminded me of the Jay Scott case---he was a very popular DJ here who is now in jail for a similar kind of thing. And he was a country DJ and I point that out not to make any inference to country and rap being the Devil's music but simply to give you all the details. Then this morning, I watched a Dick Cavett interview with Alfred Hitchcock from 1972 on TCM and even though Suzette tried her best to distract me and draw my attention away from it because she said it was boring, I managed to pay attention to it. And one of the things that Alfred said was that one of his favorite movies was Shadow Of A Doubt (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0036342/), which he made in 1942. It's about a serial killer who moves in with his family and how they never realize the truth. Then, later this morning...while Suzette was taking a nap, which didn't do her any good because she was still in a horrible mood when she woke up...I listened to last night's Coast To Coast AM and one of the guests said that everything is a conspiracy in our world and it just means that a group of people are working together to achieve a goal and it can be either legal or illegal. And right now I'm listening to a Coast To Coast classic edition that features Art Bell talking to Mel Waters. And all this has led me to conclude that I still don't know anything, especially in regards to who is right and wrong in the coincidence/no coincidence debate except for one thing. And that is that someone somewhere is trying to tell me to not write yet another novel about conspiracy/random chance and secrets. So that's what I'm going to do today. I'm going to not write a book about all the immense and really cool and sometimes scary secrets that we are totally surrounded by and how most of us don't even have a clue that they exist. And it's not going to be easy because this is The Fourth Of July and I've already agreed to officiate a Twister tournament, judge a bikini contest, referee some oil wrestling matches and I've also vowed to set new personal bests in beer drinking and barbecue consumption. And then there's fireworks to watch. So it's not going to be easy to work a novel into all that but what can I do? Luckily for me, it's Friday, so the holiday automatically extends to Sunday so it's not as bad as it could be. Is that a coincidence or not? Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM----Friday August 29th, 1997 (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 3rd, 2008
2:59 pm	My Annual Fourth Of July Eve Address It's not that I'm not grateful to all the frightened little old useless control freak ladies who are so afraid of their own shadows that they feel they have to make me wear my seat belt every time I go somewhere...because I am very grateful to them. Because without them, one little aspect of life would be pleasant and unrestricted...well, a little more pleasant and unrestricted than it is now...and we can't have that. And it's not that I'm not grateful to the brain dead boot licking politicians who are the jack booted thugs who enact and enforce the paranoid fears of the frightened little old useless control freak ladies who are so afraid of their own shadows, who should be, according to Micheal Reagan, wearing dresses---the vast majority of which are Republicans, by the way---because I am very grateful to them, too. They remind me of how dangerous it is to put Nazi's in power. So don't misconstrue what I'm about to say as ingratitude because it's not. All I'm saying is that mandatory seat belt laws, the people who support them and the so called law enforcement agencies that enforce them are degenerate Satan worshiping Anti-Christs that are evil incarnate who also kick puppies and make fun of the handicapped. Coincidentally enough, most of them are also conservative Republicans (And they should be forced to wear dresses, per Michael Reagan). So there's not a bit of ingratitude or anger here. Not even a smidgen. It's just that on The Fourth Of July, the holiday that celebrates our independence from England, I get a little tired of tin plated Barny Fife wannabes shouting at me from the radio and TV about how vigilant they are going to be about seat belts over the weekend---as if seat belts have anything to do with public safety. So that's all and don't read anymore than that into the fact that I got in my time machine and got out of here today. I started by spending the summer of 1967 driving from coast to coast in a car that didn't even have seat belts and watching guys like Joe Friday fight real crime while leaving minor offenses to meter maids who were very feminine but even they were too too macho and self respecting to worry about whether you were wearing your seat belt or not. Then I did the usual, If It's Tuesday, It Must Be 1776 whirlwind tour of the highlights in American history. And I would still be there if it weren't for Suzette's incessant nagging about everything from the lack of indoor plumbing to the clothes that haven't been in style for over 200 years---and kids, let that be a lesson to you, no matter how good an idea it seems like at the time, leave your Chef De Cuisine and Executive Vice President In Charge Of Domestic Bliss at home when you go time traveling. And I would go back right now but she's complaining about how I never spend any time with her---even though I spent well over 200 years with her today alone---and I don't need more whining and nagging. It's bad enough that I have cops telling me that I have to wear my seat belt---and thinking about how Joe Friday must be spinning in his grave because of that. So I guess I'll just stay here and enjoy all the "freedom" we have. But, when I do finally get to go back to colonial America, I am going to survey the founding fathers about losing fingers to see if Sean Leary was right today. I'm sure he was but I have to confirm it. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM----Wednesday July 2nd, 2008 (Comment on this)
3:40 am	Stress Free Summer Living If you want to have a perfect summer, you're going to need a couple of things. Well, more than a couple but the two big ones are food and travel. And although you know almost everything there is to know about food and travel, you still need help to keep up to date with these huge and ever changing fields. And that's what I'm here for. First of all, here's a guide to having a stress free vacation: sign up for Nurse Audrey's "Stress Relief Minute" bi-weekly ezine to receive... Free Downloadable Report: "How To Have A Stress-Free Summer Vacation" http://www.nurseaudrey.com/free-report-how-to-have-a-stress-free-summer.html So there, half the battle is won. Now onto the second half, which is better known as dinner. Or breakfast. Or lunch. Here is a handy guide to tell you what you should be eating: The 20 Worst Foods in America The U.S. food industry has declared war on your waistline. Here's how to disarm its weapons of mass inflation By: Matt Goulding http://www.menshealth.com/eatthis/20-Worst-Foods/1_The_Worst_Food_in_America.php Now you have everything you need to know for good nutrition and stress free living all summer long. Our work here is done now. And now you should do what I'm going to do. I'm going to go have a Lonestar 20 oz T-bone and a couple of Chili's Chocolate Chip Paradise Pie with Vanilla Ice Cream's and then plan the best vacation ever. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM----George Noory, WOC AM1420 (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 1st, 2008
3:56 pm	The Next One I'm Not Going To Write A lot of people ask me where I get all the ideas for all the books I don't write and there's really no mystery to it. The answer is a very simple, "No one knows." Take the one I'm not writing today, for example. It's just a simple, unassuming and unambitious character study about how the entire world is really just a bunker, just like the one Hitler used during the final months of World War II and we are all waiting for the end, when the enemy will crash in and kill or capture all of us while still loyally listening to the demented ramblings of the maniac who led us into this mess in the first place. And some of you are going to say that it sprang from the comments that Ian Punnett made over the weekend about how California should back off on its' draconian anti-smoking laws because of all the smoke from the fires out there that is in the air anyway but won't, much in the same way that Hitler prohibited smoking in the bunker even as it was being choked with smoke from all the bombing. And how he wouldn't let anyone even drink. Right up until the time he stepped into the escape pod---oh, if you think he committed suicide, fine, I won't disillusion you with the truth, so let's just say he killed himself. Anyway, with certain disaster closing in every direction, he continued to enforce his stupid rules, talk about victory and command armies that no longer existed when he really should have been learning how to say, "I'm sorry," in Russian. And that's a lot like us. We refuse to learn Russian, even though the Russians are on our doorstep. And that's what the novel is about and as I said, some of you are going to start connecting all these dots to figure out where the idea for it came from. They're also going to say that my boss, Putz "Shorty" McWorthless is a dead ringer for Hitler...except Hitler was smarter and less objectionable on an infinite number of levels and they're going to try to make something out of that, too. And that's fine. These dots are yours to do with as you wish and no one, least of all me, is going to tell you what to do or not do with them. All I'm going to say is that you can't connect them because they aren't connectible. And if you try to connect them, you'll be just like those fools in Phoenix and Texas and wherever else it's happening who believe that those lights they saw in the sky are UFOs. Even though the Air Force said they were swamp gas. Or flares. Or both. Anyway, swamp gas is always creating solid bodied illuminated aircraft that defy all the known laws of physics. Just like flares. And you're an idiot to believe otherwise. And the same thing goes for believing where the ideas for the novels I don't write come from. Just trust me when I tell you that it's unknowable. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM----Monday June 30th, 2008 (Comment on this)
Monday, June 30th, 2008
4:53 pm	Random Coast Notes From A Day Or So Ago Ian got a call...maybe two, I don't remember...Saturday night...I think it was Saturday night...about his interview with Jesus that wasn't/weren't as critical as some of the earlier calls but it/they was/were still critical. And I still don't get it. Maybe it's because I'm an theist but I don't think it is. I mean, if I were a believer, I would realize that God made me in His own image and this is something I would do. That is, impersonate an actor impersonating me on Coast. I might also come down here once in a while and appear as JC. And lots of other people. Didn't Jesus once say something to the effect of this: Treat your neighbors as you would me? I think He said that or something close to that. But I'm not Jesus...as far as you know. And if I were, would I waste all this time imitating Me like this? No, I wouldn't. But if I did, you can bet that I wouldn't have trouble getting through to radio shows. And something amusing would happen to Rush every day. And if I were Jesus...and I'm not, as far as you know---unless He really exists and He created me in His own image, in which case, I sort of am Jesus, once removed---...Ian would do more shows like the Jesus interview. There's a guy out there who John Williams has on a lot who does an awesome Thomas Jefferson. See, if i were a host of Coast, I would have him on on the Fourth Of July...and if he wasn't available on the Fourth, I would pre-tape the show. And then there are others. Mark Twain, Harry Truman, Groucho...and countless others have good actors impersonating them who do their homework. And that's my only objection to the guy who plays Jesus. He needs to do more homework and practice a lot more with answering random questions. That's all I've got for this one. I guess the primary message is that I'm not God...as far as you know...and it's been well delivered. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM----Sunday June 29th, 2008 (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 29th, 2008
1:58 pm	Two Online Tributes To George This first one isn't going to do you much good if you aren't already a subscriber to reelradio.com but if you are, it is invaluable: George Carlin, Wonderful WINO, Son of WINO (12:03) . . . Number One and moving higher all the time . . . [Description by Uncle Ricky] George Carlin (May 12, 1937 - June 22, 2008) began his career as a 19-year-old disc jockey when Top 40 radio was emerging as a new cultural phenomenon. A decade later, the up-and-coming comedian had perfected the ultimate Top 40 parody — Wonderful WINO, first released in 1967 by RCA on the LP Take-Offs and Put-Ons, and also as a single. Recorded live at Detroit's Roostertail club in 1966, the album introduced us to Top 40 DJ Wild Wooly West, Al Sleet (The Hippy-Dippy Weatherman) and sportscaster Biff Burns. Carlin and comedian Jack Burns worked as a team at KXOL in Fort Worth, and in 1960 as The Wright Brothers at KDAY in Los Angeles. Carlin requested that his star on The Hollywood Walk Of Fame be placed in front of the KDAY studios. While he was noted for his edgy, sometimes taboo and politically-insightful humor, there's no doubt he had studied radio, particularly Top 40 radio. With 1972's Son of WINO from his LP FM & AM, Carlin had added additional reverberation effects, a literally breathtaking news introduction and a time-tone (bing-bong!) to his Top 40 routine. This composite of both WINO recordings demonstrates George Carlin's exceptional talent and secures his place as the Top 40 generation's favorite stand-up comedian. http://reelradio.com/gifts/wino.html#wino I don't think that I have to tell you that if I ran the world and by extension, reelradio.com, this would be free for everyone, forever. Along with all the other exhibits. But, due to a horrible miscarriage of logic, I don't run the world. All is not lost, though, because someone at Coast To Coast AM, is doing one tiny little thing the exact same way I would do it. I pointed this one out earlier this week but just in case anyone missed it, here it is again: George Carlin Tribute In remembrance of George Carlin, we present a 2-hour free streamed interview that Art Bell conducted with him in 1999. Clip 1 Win | Real Clip 2 Win | Real Clip 3 Win | Real Clip 4 Win | Real Clip 5 Win | Real http://www.coasttocoastam.com/shows/2008/06/24.html Well, it's not EXACTLY the way I would do it. In the first place, it wouldn't be so hard to find. I would have left it on the main Coast page forever. And I would have written a recap for it. I would have added more pictures, too, and maybe some video. But they did make it free for everyone, just like I would and I guess that's really the most important part. So we can't complain too much. At least not to Coast To Coast. We could complain to Uncle Ricky but I think we should go over his head and start demanding to God right now that I be put in charge of everything. Start writing letters and making phone calls right now. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Art Bell: Somewhere in Time----Saturday June 28th, 2008 (Comment on this)
1:38 pm	Saving The Planet Is Fun I've got good news for air travelers. There is a brand new way for you to help save the planet. Well, it isn't brand new, because you could have been doing it for years now but it's likely that you never knew about it: Should you "go" before you go? The Bite If you wanna save a little CO2, use the airport lavatory, not the one on the plane, since the fuel used for every mile-high flush could run a car for 6 miles. The Benefits * Clearer skies. Each lavatory visit emits 5.6 lbs of CO2 due to energy used flushing the toilet (airplanes use powered vacuums, not gravity like toilets at home). * Hold it right there - go earlier, and skip cramped, nasty-smelling airplane bathrooms. * Avoid asking the aisle-seated, irritable, red-eyed, lap-topped "suit" if you can get by to use the loo. Personally Speaking When we gotta go, we gotta go, but we certainly don’t mind one more reason to abstain from using bathrooms built for contortionists. Wanna Try? On short trips, flush before you fly, simple as that. http://www.idealbite.com/tiplibrary/archives/please_dont_go/ And there's an added benefit to this. When all those people who only use airplane lavatories to go to the bathroom stop using them, it will free them up for those of us who want to use them to log flight time to keep our Mile High Club licenses. See how much fun it is saving the planet? Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Art Bell: Somewhere in Time---Saturday June 28th, 2008 (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 28th, 2008
3:27 pm	The Next One I'm Not Going To Write Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong. -----------George Carlin I still miss George. And if history is any kind of accurate guide at all, it's going to be an ongoing chronic condition till I'm finally in a place where I can see him again. I suppose it'll be a double bill, probably in Las Vegas, George opening for Lenny Bruce or maybe Sam Kinison opening for George. Or maybe it will be George by himself and I'll have to see Lenny and Sam on other nights. Whatever. And it will be the Vegas of circa 1975...I miss the Stardust, too. And until that day comes, there's not much I can do except to not write novels like the one I didn't write today which is called Heaven, Hell, Purgatory And Limbo. That's the working title but it may end up as the final title and it's also the title of one of my favorite George Carlin routines and the whole thing is of course dedicated to George. It's the journey of a guy from the moment of his death to the moment of his reincarnation and it's all about how nothing ever goes right. Even when you're dead and what a big let down that is. It also explains why we can't remember past lives and what happens after we die: We don't want to. Orson Welles once said that death is what gives life zest. That dying is the only thing that makes life worth living. He makes a cameo appearance in this novel to explain that, only here he says that kicking the bucket is the big thrill ride in this amusement park we call life and we must keep it dark and mysterious in order to keep it fun. He then goes on for 75 pages about how Coney Island is better than any artificial plastic park in California or Florida that will undoubtedly be cut by my editors so you'll have to wait till after I kick the bucket and they publish it the way I intended it to be. In the meantime, you get a great, albeit stripped down, journey from this world to the next and back again filled with interesting people, annoying people and pain in the neck situations. It's a lot like life. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM----Friday June 27th, 2008 (Comment on this)
2:05 pm	People, Critics, Art And Me Why do almost all the books, movies, TV and radio shows, plays, stories, magazines, bands, web sites, etc etc etc that I really like tend to get reviews like this?: Bikini Pirates Ahoy! Post on November 27th, 2007 by drakaal Cinemax (Skinemax) is showing Bikini Pirates this Month. Late Night Cable is just what you always wanted it to be. Hot Girls and Pirates. I used to have this little toy that would make Silly Movie plots, like "the Radio Active Dog falls in love with the 70 foot woman" I think that is where this show's plot comes from. http://www.xyhd.tv/2007/11/uncategorized/bikini-pirates-ahoy/ There are some exceptions---The Beatles, Buffy, The Twilight Zone, Kurt Vonnegut and Seinfeld, just to name a few, all got OK reviews---but by and large, nearly everything I like gets the same treatment as Bikini Pirates. Or it will get great reviews along with a label like "For Women Only," and the best example of that is Sex And The City. And Sex, by the way, was almost as good as Seinfeld. In some ways it was better because I wanted to sleep with Carrie more than I wanted to sleep with Elaine. And Seinfeld didn't have any nudity. That leads us to that age old argument: Which is better, more boobs or bigger laughs? But we don't have time for it because that's a huge debate that's been raging since the dawn of time and we couldn't settle it tonight, anyway, even if we tried. And that's kind of a good thing, because it allows us to keep our focus on what's really important: Me. And why is absolutely every single thing I like---except for The Beatles, Buffy, The Twilight Zone, Kurt Vonnegut and Seinfeld, et al---get completely trashed by the critics? The answer is relatively simple. Very few people and even fewer critics understand me and/or art. And a lot of people say that will never change but that's only because a lot of people are negative by nature. I, on the other hand, am positive. I say that all this will change soon. Maybe even tonight (Well for you people out there, you critics will probably take a little longer). Watch Bikini Pirates and see if you don't love it as much as I do...unless it it isn't on tonight, I haven't checked yet...and tomorrow, if all goes well. you will understand both me and art. And then we'll be able to devote some time to the boobs/laughs debate. We still won't settle anything but it'll be fun. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM----Friday June 27th, 2008 (Comment on this)
Friday, June 27th, 2008
3:17 pm	It's Friday, You Bastards Greetings fellow fun seekers and welcome to another Fractious Friday in the Nitty Gritty City and it's not going to surprise anyone that tonight's theme is Comedy and the guest of honor is George Carlin. It's George's first Friday night in the hereafter and I took no chances with this. On Monday morning, I had Miss Bunni, my Chief Executive Vice President In Charge Of Other Worldly Affairs and Head Astrologer, part the veil between the living and the dead and I called George because I didn't want someone else get to him first and get him booked for tonight and it went something like this: Oh, before I recount the conversation, I should tell you that I'm bleeping out all the words you can't say on TV because MADD (Mother's Against Dirty Dialog) has been all over me because of all the profanity I've been using lately and I don't want to give that up because some of them are really hot and they threatened to stop getting all over me if I didn't stop with the dirty words. George: )(*&^&( @!)(*( *(*()*** !!!!! DO you have any )(*&* &^%$@ @)(* idea what time it is? Have you ever heard of letting the &*&%$ )(*@#!# dead rest in peace? Me: Hey man, calm down, you'll give yourself a heart attack. You want to kill yourself? George: ((Heavy sigh)) Well, that makes it all worth it. Suddenly, just knowing how much you idolized me, and how it paid off by making you funny like that makes it all worth it. I don't feel like I made a wrong turn somewhere and totally wasted my life. Me: Death agrees with you. You were never this reasonable when you were alive. George: Christ! Hey, I wasn't calling You......Man, I gotta learn to stop saying that cause He shows up every time. Last night, I tried to take a shower when I got here. Dying takes a lot out of you and I was feeling less than spring time fresh so I got in the shower, turned on the water and nearly burned my hand off, so I said, 'Jesus Christ, this water is hot!' And suddenly there was a naked long haired guy standing next to me, parting the water and let me tell you how that will %^&*& with your head! Dead or not! I said, 'Where were You when I was alive? And now that I'm already in Paradise You show up? In my shower????' That wasn't the whole conversation of course. In the first place, I had to leave out most of the dirty words from even that short section of it would have run 47 pages. I think I left enough in for you to get the idea, though. And somewhere in it, I told him about tonight's party and he said he would be here. And he is. He's in the next room right now doing one of the funniest routines I've ever heard, even from him. Everyone is laughing and it's a tough room. Lenny Bruce, Bob Hope, Groucho, Sam Kinnison, Jackie Gleason, John Belushi and Johnny Carson are all here and that's just the front row. The theme is that being dead is as big a pain in the ass as being alive and I wish the departed could rest but I'm also happy that it turns out this way because this is too good to waste. And just between you me, I don't think George minds all that much either. He even made a pass at Fifi when she handed him one of tonight's drinks: ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Deadly Dark Indulgence Ingredients: * 1/2 oz Tia maria * 3 oz Coca-Cola * 1 scoop Vanilla ice-cream Mixing instructions: Blend all ingredients. Pour into Poco grande glass. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Of course the pass was a joke. Nearly everything is a joke with that guy. He told Fifi, "I was kidding around there but if Sally hadn't stricken the 'Till death do us part,' language out of our marriage contract..." I have to go now. I have to get to Lenny before he gets buried in requests because I have to hear the airplane glue routine tonight. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM----Thursday June 26th, 2008 (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 26th, 2008
4:23 pm	The Next One I'm Not Going To Write This morning I went to a meeting (While my boss at my day job, Miss Big thought I was out selling greeting cards, so keep this between you and me) with my publisher, Bombastic Bushkin (You might have heard of him, he used to be a famous accountant) and my agent, Drusilla. And it went well. For Bombastic and Dru. For me, not so much. You see, I have "Artistic Input," in my contract and that means that I get to go to the meetings and tell them what I want and then I get to watch my publisher and agent do whatever they want, which is always the opposite of what I wanted. Dru tells me, "I don't pay you $9.85 an hour to have you muck everything up with your stupid, insignificant, trivial, unimportant and noncommercial ideas." So I wanted to write a book about suicide today and I told them and they said no. They told me that sales for books about suicide are down 14% this quarter. Then they told me that my first book about Major Clay Shrapnel has already sold over 85 million copies and they wanted another one right away. I said, "Whoa! What do you mean the first book about him? It's the only one about him. I only did it to shut Dru up and I'm not doing another one." Dru told me that I would do it or she would drain every drop of blood out of me in a Sunnydale minute because I would be worth more to her dead than alive. I looked at my bodyguard and said, "Buffy, are you going to let her talk to me like that?" She nodded and said, "Sorry, honey, but I really need another diamond necklace. And I'll really miss you if you die, so please do the book." I said, "Thank you, Benedict Slayer." And then I was going to ask how she was going to get another diamond necklace or how she got any diamond necklaces in the first place when I make less than $10 an hour. But then it occurred to me that she might be getting kickbacks from Dru. And the rest of my staff, too. How do they get all their clothes, cell phones and MP3 players? And where did everything else like this big house and everything in it come from? I'm starting to suspect that they don't trust me with money. That they just give me $70 or $80 a day to keep me quiet. And that hurts. If I had access to the millions that Dru tells me goes to shipping and handling, I could expand the Lingerie Modeling Department and make it ten times bigger than it is now. And that's just one of my fiscally responsible ideas. I have tons more. And one day soon, I will fix this horrible problem. But all that has to wait because I'm busy not writing this stupid pointless book about Major Clay Shrapnel that I don't want to do. And I don't want you to get the wrong idea about it either so don't listen to your English lit prof when you are finally forced to read it for class. There is no big grand purpose for me not setting the majority of it in gentleman's clubs, like the first one. The only reason is that after writing all 408 pages of the first one, I ran out of excuses to keep him in strip clubs. That's it. Tell that old bat who thinks that she's so smart because she has a degree and a teaching job that she has to give you an A on this paper because you got all your information directly from me. So that's how I spent this dull, average, ordinary Wednesday. Dealing with unreasonable agents, publishers, slayers and writing this stupid book that's going to keep me busy till 8 tonight. I should go on strike. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM----Wednesday June 25th, 2008 (Comment on this)
1:51 am	Slightly Used Survey Challenge I just did a survey challenge thing on Myspace which is OK except for one thing, the person you write questions for gets to choose which of the questions you write that they answer and that usually leaves a lot of unanswered questions. So my challenge to you is to take this survey, which I custom made for Kelly because it might be funny to see your answers to questions that were custom written for someone else. And then you get to do it to as many others as you want. Write a survey for one person and send it to as many others as you want. I guess what it comes down to is that I dare you to answer these questions that I wrote for Kelly, so call it the I Dare You To Answer These Questions Survey Challenge or maybe The Entirely Green, Completely Recycled, Earth Friendly, Waste Free Survey: 1. Does anyone but me remember the TV show Dirty Sally (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0070983/)? 2. If you had 24 hours to spend $24 million in order to inherit $240 million, the only condition being that you could have nothing material to show for it (Memories only, no houses, cars, etc) and you could only gamble/give away 10% of it (And if you gamble and win, you have to get rid of the winnings, too), how would you spend those 24 hours (Yes, they are all in a row, there, have I closed all the loopholes yet?)? Yes, I know it's almost the exact same plot as Brewster's Millions, just deal with it. 3. You win on American Idol and Simon proposes to you and you say no, because you've already been married to a jerk but you do say yes to the multi-million dollar record/concert deal but only because Rihanna thinks she's so big because she has one and this will show her. Anyway, your agent comes to you and asks what you want on your concert contract rider, what do you tell her that you need to perform? You look like the "No brown M&M's" type to me but you must have other needs. 4. Someone figures out a way to bring fictional characters to life and you have a chance to have lunch with your favorite one. Who is it and where do you go and what do you talk about? Note, if you say Simon here, I win $10 and I'll kick $3 of that back to you. 5. On your last radio show, you said, "I don't eat animals but I do enjoy killing them." Did you steal that from me before I thought of it on purpose or was it accidental? 6. You're out hunting for dinner in the back yard and you shoot at.....what do vegetarians shoot at? Radishes? OK, a radish. You shoot at a radish and up from the ground comes a bubblin' crude and the next thing you know, you're a millionaire and the kin folk say, "Kelly, move away from there. Californy is the place you ought to be." Do you listen to them and move to California or do you do something different? Yes, I know it's the plot of The Beverly Hillbillies, deal with it. 7. Did you win the last time you played Strip Old Maid? Or maybe I'm the only one who plays that, if so, make it Strip Poker. 8. If you were a drug, which one would you be and why? If you say Ex Lax, please be sensitive to the fact that people may be eating while they read this and that you get extra points for everyone of them that you make throw up. 9. You go out to get the mail and accidentally walk through a time warp and find yourself in 1908, stranded, with no way to get back. Yes, you miss all your friends and family, blah, blah, blah but cry about that on your own time, the question here is: Do you just relax and enjoy the peace and quiet or do you become a famous inventor, writer, poet, whatever or maybe all of them plus become the wittiest person who ever lived because you can say all the witty things that have said over the last hundred years for the first time ever? 10. This one is kind of personal but you said I could ask anything, so here goes: Do you ever put on baggy sweats and fold laundry in front of your web cam and if so, when is show time? Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM----George Noory, WOC AM1420 (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 25th, 2008
4:59 pm	The Next One I'm Not Going To Write I think I may be done with the series I started not writing earlier this week or last year or whenever it was. The one about Art and Jo that I already have four volumes of, even though one of them isn't technically part of it but I'm the only one who recognizes that. Or maybe I'm not done with it at all. How am I supposed to know? I'm just the one who didn't write it. For the answer, you'd have to ask someone more intimately tied to the project than me. Anyway, whether that series is done or not, I need a break from it so today I'm not writing a novel that has to do with the economics of time travel. I know I've used that theme many times before and it shows up in every work that involves time travel even when it's not a major theme. But this time, I'm adding something new: The concept that maybe the reason that everything is inflated now is that it's by design and we might be better off if we were still making $10,000 and everything cost proportionately less. I came up with this idea for two reasons. One is that big numbers are stressful. The other is that I noticed, a long time ago while researching another project, that adjusted for inflation figures often show that we really aren't better off and that got me to wondering if the whole thing was done for purpose as a smokescreen to keep us blind to the fact that we're being held back. So this one is about a guy who manages a currency exchange counter and duty free gift shop in a major Time Port. In this novel, time travel is just like going to other countries, you have to have a passport and declare everything, blah blah blah and all this happens at Time Ports. He notices, by accident, that cigarettes are really pretty much the same price in 2008 as they are in 1958, when the figures are adjusted for inflation and that leads him to wonder if the big tobacco companies created a health scare on purpose to increase profits, much in the same way a chess player might sacrifice a queen to win a game. And then he notices that other industries are doing the same thing...in other ways but it amounts to the same thing. I can't say much more than that at this point, so if you want more, you'll just have to wait till 7 tonight when I'll be finished not writing it and not read it then. And I know that one of the first things you're going to say is, "Come on! Time travel isn't like that! You don't have to go through customs!" And that will force me to say, "That's why they call it fiction." Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM----Tuesday June 24th, 2008 (Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 24th, 2008
5:19 pm	Just A Short Note About Something Really Cool This is an extremely brief glimpse of the way things would be if I ran Coast To Coast AM: George Carlin Tribute In remembrance of George Carlin, we present a 2-hour free streamed interview that Art Bell conducted with him in 1999: http://www.coasttocoastam.com/ That was a very cool thing to do and I'm giving the whole staff at Coast a huge round of kudos. Of course, if I were in charge, that would just be the start. All the shows would be free all the time and there would also be the return C2C Live...plus Somewhere In Time With Art Bell, would still be here every week but only on the net. There would also be a mid week prime time edition on Wednesday nights. And there would also be the Coast To Coast Restaurant and the The Coast To Coast Resort And Casino's in Las Vegas, Reno and Atlantic City. Ah, someday. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Surprise!--- Date / Time: 6/23/2008 2:30 PM (Comment on this)
4:43 pm	The Next One I'm Not Going To Write Everything is slowed down, delayed and just generally out of whack right now because I'm still shaken up because of George Carlin's death. Drusilla, my agent, says that everything is normal as far as I'm concerned but you really should consider the source there. And despite being shaken, I'm still not writing a novel everyday for the rest of forever or till I decide to stop, whichever comes first and today is no exception. This is the second volume in the series that I've already not written parts one and three of plus a another volume that could be considered a part of the series but really isn't. So anyway, this one is about Ajowan, from birth to age 14 and it explores how and why she became who she is. Like why she became a vegetarian. And why she tells people that she doesn't eat animals but she enjoys killing them. In case you missed the first few posts that talk about her, you should know that she's very adept at Astral Projection and has been since birth. And that she learned very quickly to keep that to herself and now doesn't tell anyone. And that you're up to date, she's also a vegetarian and it has something to do with her dog, Hoss. Hoss is actually an interesting and important character. He's been dead for four years when the story starts but he's the primary reason Jo learns the finer points of navigating the Astral Planes...much later in life, well she learns the finer points when she's 14 but it doesn't dawn on her what they are till later. This post isn't going nearly as well as I had envisioned it so I'm going to stop it now but maybe I'll post a sample chapter from this one when I'm finished not writing it, and that should be about 10 tonight. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Surprise!--- Date / Time: 6/23/2008 2:30 PM (Comment on this)
Monday, June 23rd, 2008
5:02 pm	The Next One I'm Not Going To Write Today was going to be Volume Two of the yet untitled series that I've not been writing for a couple of days now and have already completed volumes one and three. Volume Two has been put on hold till tomorrow, now, because of the death of George Carlin. This one is Volume Four...not really but that's what a lot of people are going to say and it's not worth arguing about...and it's about Benny, Ajowan's brother. He is, no surprise here, dedicated to George Carlin. And he's not a comedian. He's just a normal average kid who has a sister who can astrally project better than anyone who has ever lived and he idolizes Lenny Bruce. And this book isn't part of the series because...and this whole concept surprises me more than anyone else...it's actually a piece of fan fiction. It's the first time I've ever written a piece of fan fic and it pleases me because it is so much easier. I should have known that from the start because I have done lots of fan fic in the past. It was just never based on anything I had created. So this book is separate and stands up just fine on it's own but it covers a lot of incidents that are in volume two, only from another character's perspective. So let the critics and English teachers say whatever they want. And if you don't want to read this one when I've finished not writing it, it should be ready at about 9 tonight. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM----Sunday June 22nd, 2008 (Comment on this)
3:19 pm	The World Is A Less Funny Place Today Author's Note: This one isn't my usual PG-13 rated material. This one is more R rated, for language and as a general rule, I still feel that profanity is over used and usually unneeded but it can be used very effectively and be very entertaining--and sometimes it's even necessary---and this one is for George Carlin, so if a few dirty words bother you, just don't read it. ******************************** "I don't have any beliefs or allegiances. I don't believe in this country, I don't believe in religion, or a god, and I don't believe in all these man-made institutional ideas. ---------------George Carlin, 2001 The first thing that went through my mind this morning when I heard that George Carlin had died was his routine on the Three Minute Warning. I wish I could remember more than the gist (And sometime here in the near future, I'm going to get some of my favorite clips from You Tube for another tribute to George and maybe I'll find it) but the gist is enough for tonight. He said that, just like in football, three minutes before you die, you hear a voice that says, "You have three minutes left, get your shit together!" Then there were a few more funny lines before he ended the bit with, "Of course being a celebrity has it's advantage here, too. Right before I die, I'm gonna hear a knock and, 'Five minutes, Mr. Carlin." And I wondered if George got that knock along with the warning and if he did, what he did with those last five minutes. And it was just about that time that George Knapp mentioned that George was interested in UFO's and that got me to wondering what else he was interested in but never talked about publicly. He was awfully sympathetic to religion for a crusty old cynical atheist...but then again, he was also brutal with religion oftentimes so who knows?...anyway, did he believe that there might be an afterlife (I'm almost certain he maintained his disbelief in God...and yes, I did read the quote I used to start this one...but as for an afterlife? I think he might have been at least an agnostic on that)? Or did he believe that that the end is the end? Either way, I hope he is somewhere right now making people laugh. I just don't want to believe that that kind of talent is simply gone. And, once again, either way, I'm wondering why he was never a guest on Coast...maybe he was asked and didn't want to do it or maybe he was never even asked and that makes me think: Why are opportunities like that passed over every day? People aren't here forever and and things like that should be done while they are here. The next thing that went through my mind was one of his routines about suicide where he said, "Death is just the final pain in the ass." And then I thought about what he might say if he were to talk about his own death. I bet he would have very funny things to say about going to the ER...like they tell you to do...when you have chest pain and then dying anyway. Then I thought about the few times I saw him in concert...mostly in Las Vegas but also once here at the Masonic Temple in Davenport. Then I thought about how my dad is almost exactly one year younger than he was and then I thought about the things that no one is talking about. Like his fascination with UFO's, which was mentioned by George Knapp but then there was his FOX TV series where he played a cab driver which I really liked but didn't last long and his role as Ann Marie's agent, George Lester on That Girl. And maybe those things aren't as important as his albums, HBO specials and being the first host of Saturday Night Live but I don't think they should be ignored, either. And now I'm thinking that at least we have the Internet and cable TV and all his albums, so just about everything he ever did will be available to us whenever we want it but what a shame it is that we won't have his take on all the things that are going to happen till we get our own three minute warning. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM----Sunday June 22nd, 2008 (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 22nd, 2008
12:54 pm	Big Event In East Moline I was so happy a little while ago for a brief time. I finally had an overwhelmingly compelling reason to join Rock Island Paranormal (RIP). Not that I won't eventually get around to joining them, because I probably will but it won't be today. And the reason is, as usual, Suzette. She always ruins everything, including this. See, I read a bulletin from RIP that said they are doing a pubic investigation in East Moline and I said, "I have to join them now. Finding monsters, demons and ghosts is great but this is the extra incentive I needed to get into this today." Suzette then called me an idiot and told me to clean my glasses. I told her to mind her own business and be quiet because I have a pubic investigation to get ready for. I won't bore you with the details of what happened next but the end result is that it turns out that it is a PUBLIC not a PUBIC investigation: Jun 21, 2008 6:51 AM Public Investigation Spots are filling up quick for the public investigation at the East Moline Library. Please call the East Moline Library to reserve your spot (309)755-9614 http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=132294497&MyToken=6cd8ff98-3a1d-488e-982f-58e9a59db483 So, there it is. It should be fun. Not as fun as a paranormal pubic investigation but it will be fun anyway. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM----Saturday June 21st, 2008 (Comment on this)