Greg's Blurty
 
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Greg's Blurty:

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    Saturday, September 20th, 2014
    9:34 am
    NO Means What?
    Scotland has said NO (What Scotland's 'No' vote means for David Cameron: http://www.cnn.com/2014/09/19/world/europe/scotland-no-vote-cameron/index.html?hpt=hp_t2) or, as Rush would put it, they said YES: Rush Limbaugh: Hey Fellas! Sometimes 'No' Means 'Yes' If You Can "Spot It" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LyiAHc-xFRg&list=UU-3jIAlnQmbbVMV6gR7K8aQ).

    And for probably the first time ever, things would be better if he were right instead of wrong and in this case, he was both at the same time. Oh, if you think I'm twisting and stretching metaphors beyond their natural boundaries here, you ain't seen nothing yet. Think for a minute about how badly Scotland is being screwed. And by what means. They got that way by saying NO. Which was really YES. To being screwed. The end result is what Rush and his ilk wanted all along and they got it. By making NO mean YES. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'm not the one who's distorting reality this time. I am innocent. I didn't fold, spindle or mutilate. Reality was this way when I got here! If the world was already inverted, backwards and otherwise twisted you must acquit!

    OK, OK, I get it. That's a classic example of why I never even bothered going to law school and why Johnny Cochran was so expensive. But I won this case, didn't I? Yes, I did. Could Johnny have won it? Maybe, maybe not. The only thing we know for sure is that I could and I did. The other thing we know for sure is that Johnny would have made the jury swinging winning zinger rhyme but since trials are Pass/Fail, the extra points he would have gotten for it mean nothing. You would think someone with your chronic legal troubles would be congratulating me instead of insulting me in the hopes that I might take your next case. Juries simply aren't prepared for my fresh approach to defense that's untainted by education, training, skill, ability and experience and that makes me exactly the kind of mouthpiece you need. I play juries the same way Liberace plays the piano. Only without the expensive candelabra and wild clothes, which is how I keep my fees low. But don't listen to me. You obviously can't handle the truth, which is that I'm a winner. You're out of order but go ahead and do whatever you want. And to show there's no hard feelings, I'll bring you cigarettes every visiting day after your next conviction.

    But right now, while you're still free, I want to give you a little good news, How Much Longer Will Rush Limbaugh Poison America? (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PYyaL2LkqE8&list=UU-3jIAlnQmbbVMV6gR7K8aQ)


    I know, I know, this is just like Cold Fusion and Flying Cars in that the experts keep saying that they are only 20 years away and they've been saying it every year since 1912. And we STILL don't have flying cars! Only in Rush's case, the prediction is usually from 2 to 5 years (Coincidentally enough, that's a spread you have a lot of experience with but just keep hiring lawyers with fancy store bought degrees instead of me cause I'm sure it'll start paying off for you any day now) and they've only been saying it since 1994 but all in all, it's exactly the same thing.

    But I am confident that in Rush's case, those 2-5 predictions have to come true sometime soon. Come on, he's getting beat by college radio stations for God's sake, Limbaugh Beat By College Radio In Ratings (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nXkRm7RKDz8).

    Yeah, I know, I've showed that video before but I can't help it. It's like the video equivalent of potato chips or popcorn. I have to keep showing it over and over. And wouldn't it be just like the Koch Brothers to cut off Rush's welfare right after the election? Just in time for Christmas. It'll be the one and only time we'll ever get a Christmas present from Dave and Chuck and of course, they won't be doing it for us. They'll do it that way to ruin Rush's Christmas and our happiness will be completely incidental. But it will be a nice gesture anyway.

    OK, that's all I have for this one. Why don't you go pack your toothbrush so you'll be ready for your next trial.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Red State Update: Episode 40: This Ain't My First Racist Ro
    Friday, September 19th, 2014
    12:55 am
    It's Friday, You Bastards
    The Conservatives are (Again) tying themselves into knots defending domestic abuse, up to and including child abuse. I don't have to give you any examples but I'll give you a couple anyway: Rush Responds To NFL's Domestic Violence Controversy: "If We Keep Chickifying This Game We're Going To Ruin It" (http://mediamatters.org/video/2014/09/12/rush-responds-to-nfls-domestic-violence-controv/200742) & Kansas Bill Would Allow Spanking Children To Point Of Bruising (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/18/kansas-spanking-bill_n_4809174.html). Because I want to make sure I have a really sound foundation for today's question: How are they going to react to this, Iran's 'Happy' dancers sentenced to 91 lashes, jail (http://www.foxnews.com/world/2014/09/18/iran-happy-dancers-sentenced-to-1-lashes-jail/)?

    My guess is that they are going to condemn it. Even though it is their biggest wet-dream. These anti-government, liberty loving people would like nothing better than to live in a world where the state can beat, jail or even kill anyone who isn't old, rich, white and 100% obedient to the Christian Bible. They try for it all the time but they are mostly only successful when it comes to kids, that's why I included the story from Kansas. But they can't say it's good in Iran because they aren't Christian.

    There was even more unneeded evidence (It is unneeded because who these people are and what they want is already abundantly clear) from Glenn (http://www.glennbeck.com/) this morning which I'll tell you about just because it's so funny. Glenn and his usual gang of idiots (http://www.video.theblaze.com/shows/index.jsp?content=pat_and_stu) were talking about the election in Scotland (Scots decide future amid excitement, apprehension) and they were horrified to learn that 16 year olds there can vote.

    HORRIFIED! They went on and on about what an outrage that is. They said the voting age should be raised. One of them proposed 70 as the legal voting age. That was pure pandering because Glenn's average listener is 71. But it was also the truth, it is what these people want. They also said that only property owners should be allowed to vote. And what they really meant by that is they only want rich old white men to vote. Everyone else can just work themselves to death to support those lazy old men when they aren't busy being beaten, jailed and/or killed for violating various Biblical laws.

    Of course, their premise, just like all their premises, is a total lie. Work hard and you'll be rewarded. They cling to that like you wouldn't believe even though there is no truth in it. They have sucked all the dignity and incentive out of work but they keep telling the fairy tale. Dennis (http://www.dennismillerradio.com/) was on the Tonight Show one time, arguing politics with Jay (http://www.biography.com/people/jay-leno-9542191) and at one point, he said, "Jay, you're the hardest working guy I know (Dennis got that part right. No one works harder than Jay Leno. I remember when reporters used to call him Robo Comic because he never stops working). Why can't you see how stupid it is to support people who don't want to work?"

    Jay responded by saying that that there are plenty of people who work just as hard as he does and it didn't matter because they were getting nothing out of it and that the problem needs to be fixed. He also pointed out that there is one job for every three people who need one even though corporate profits are setting new records every day. I don't remember exactly how he phrased it but Dennis' response was, "SHUT UP!!! DON'T TELL THEM THE TRUTH!!!!!! ARE YOU TRYING TO RUIN EVERYTHING???????"

    Do you want to see another crystal clear example of how lazy people like Dennis are ripping everyone else off? Take it away, Cenk: When Your Workers Want Rights Just Pay Off A Politician (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jxF_u0q9yPw&list=UU1yBKRuGpC1tSM73A0ZjYjQ).

    This really good timing, because it's Friday again and that means I can offer you a drink. And after watching a video like that, who doesn't need a drink? OK, then, let's get tonight's party started with this, the Theme Drink that Fifi, my Sommelier, invented for tonight:

    =============================


    Iranian Whip

    Ingredients:

    1/4 cup Rum
    1/2 cup Fresca
    Ice cubes

    Mixing instructions:

    Add Rum, Fresca, and 1 or 2 ice cubes.

    =============================

    To further make you forget, for a little while anyway, how Welfare Queens like Dennis Miller are stealing from you every minute of every day, let's start tonight's Featured Party Game: Binders Full Of Girls Doing Things That Would Get Them Whipped In Iran And Kansas If The Conservatives Get Their Way And That Law Is Extended To Include Adults.

    But before that, I want to show you another video about a bunch of no good kids who should be sent to spend a week with Adrian Peterson (Vikings' Adrian Peterson indicted on child abuse charges: http://article.wn.com/view/2014/09/13/Vikings_Adrian_Peterson_indicted_on_child_abuse_charges_z/) cause he would know how to straighten them out: H.S. Students Plot Protest To Fight Strict Dress Code (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YaHNElC4DgI).

    In closing, I would just like to humbly suggest that Ana do a whole video or maybe even a whole series of videos demonstrating the full range of acceptable and unacceptable shorts. Because I think it would be very educational.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---George Noory, WOC AM 1420
    Thursday, September 18th, 2014
    1:21 pm
    How to Pray When You're Pissed at God: Or Anyone Else for That Matter
    The other day when I mentioned Ian Punnett (http://www.blogster.com/xander6464/this-weeks-sermon-1), I totally forgot to plug his latest book so I want to correct that now: How to Pray When You're Pissed at God: Or Anyone Else for That Matter (http://www.amazon.com/How-Pray-When-Youre-Pissed/dp/0307986039). I haven't read it due to financial problems caused by The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy That's Out To Get Me that I already told you about (http://www.blogster.com/xander6464/netropolitan).

    I'm sure, though, that you will enjoy How to Pray When You're Pissed at God: Or Anyone Else for That Matter. I know that raises some yellow flags among the hardcore cynical people out there. The kind of people who are always asking dumb questions like, "Why should I trust a book review from a guy who hasn't read the book?" And then they oftentimes turn around and ask an even dumber question like, "And even if he did read it someday and wrote another review why should I trust it? Because it's a book of faith and he is an Atheist. Oh, he says he's suspended his Atheism until after the election because we need all the help we can get, even the imaginary kind but how do I know that's true? People can say anything and for all I know, he disbelieves now just as much as he ever did."

    To them, I respectfully say, "Heathen! Judge not lest ye be judged! For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again!" So sayeth me! So relax. I read almost every book and watch almost every movie and TV show and listen to almost every record I review but sometimes, in rare cases, I don't. And it doesn't matter because I didn't get to be The World's Best Reviewer by being bad at it.

    So go out and buy How to Pray When You're Pissed at God: Or Anyone Else for That Matter because I say it's good. Before my homeboy, God, busts a cap of lightning on your ass. And then you'll have to walk everywhere because to God, your ass is your donkey. And consider yourself lucky that God doesn't keep up with current urban slang because if He did, you'd be in real trouble. They don't make a Preparation H (http://www.preparationh.com/) strong enough to fix a lightening strike there.

    In other words, ye of little faith, repent now before it's too late. Remember, if you force God to kill your donkey by being disobedient, you're not just going to Hell. You're gonna be in big trouble with PETA (http://www.peta.org/) for all eternity, too. You don't want that.

    Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I'm going to go review the last season of True Blood (http://www.hbo.com/true-blood) which I quit watching after the first season because Sookie (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sookie_Stackhouse)...Who I never stopped loving even though her show became unwatchably stupid and stupid goes to a whole new level when showing Sookie naked can't cure it...deserves a big send off from me.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Red State Update: Episode 40: This Ain't My First Racist Ro
    Wednesday, September 17th, 2014
    6:39 am
    Netropolitan
    I won't be joining Netropolitan, "the FaceBook Of The Rich" (Facebook -- for rich people (for just $9,000): http://www.cnn.com/2014/09/16/tech/social-media/netropolitan-social-media/index.html?hpt=hp_t2) for several different reasons. For one thing, I find Facebook banal and nearly totally useless and I get it for free. For another, Netropolitan, based on this article at least, strikes me as being the same as a Whites Only Apply country club. Oh, they'll never say that and I'm sure Herman Cain will be able to join but the high fees will guarantee that only the "right people" get in. And no one should support that sort of thing either on or offline.

    Another problem, which some people are going to say is one of the same problems already mentioned, is money. I have a real cash flow problem. My accountants, who are really nothing but operatives of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy Out To Get Me, only give me $10 a week. They claim I'm irresponsible with money. It's a total lie of course but once a guy in a dress, who claims to be a judge, rules in their favor, the truth has little value. It's all class warfare and jealousy at their worst but that doesn't help me much. I still have roomfuls of lawyers but they aren't on my side and I can't afford to hire any new ones that might actually think straight and get things done.

    They didn't stop even stop at financially ruining me. They also blocked access to the Neiman Marcus Christmas Catalog, MFC (http://www.myfreecams.com/?cam=30281&track=ALT#Homepage) and Not Safe For Wallet (http://www.nsfwallet.com/) on all my computers and phones. Luckily, my Chief Executive Vice President In Charge Of Hacking, Cosmic Showers, has fixed that little problem. But she can't or won't do anything about my salary. I get down on my hands and knees every night and beg her to hack into Payroll and get me a raise and she seems to enjoy it but it doesn't do any good cause I'm still broke.

    I don't expect you to understand. You have no way of knowing what it's like to want things but can't have them because you don't have enough money. You also have no idea what it's like to have to deal with big time grown-up expenses on a limited budget. Have you priced beer, baseball cards and lap dances lately?

    Of course you haven't. Someday, if the American justice system ever starts working again, I'll go back to being like you and not worrying about what anything costs but until then, I'm stuck. But in the case of Netropolitan it doesn't matter cause like I just said, I wouldn't join even if I had the money.

    But I hope Netropolitan gets a lot of members anyway. Given all that I've just said, that may seem like a contradiction but it's not. I refer you to James Touchi-Peters' comment, "I saw a need for an environment where you could talk about the finer things in life without backlash -- an environment where people could share similar likes and experiences." That, to me, sounds like a prime breeding ground for 47% like statements (Why Mitt Romney’s “47 percent” comment was so bad: http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/the-fix/wp/2013/03/04/why-mitt-romneys-47-percent-comment-was-so-bad/) and sooner or later, some reporter or hacker or even a disgusted rich white person with a conscience is going to gain access to the site and start printing all those statements anonymously where everyone can see them.

    What could be better than that? Especially in an election year? It's the only justification I can think of for a Whites Only online country club. OK, that's all I have for this one. You can can go back to your beer and lap dances now. And I'll get back to begging for a raise.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Tuesday, September 16th, 2014
    7:51 am
    The Crips And The Bloods
    Sometimes, it's funny when cults fight. Sometimes, it's just tragically stupid. This particular case is both. It's also rare in that it gives us one clear cut cult to root for. Or gang, if you prefer because I don't want to get bogged down in a debate over whether Christianity is a cult or a gang. Anyway, my point is that sometimes you want the Crips to defeat the Bloods because they happen to be fighting for the right thing. And we feel sorry for them when they lose.

    And that is exactly what happened in this case: Teen Arrested After Posting Lewd Pic With Jesus Statue (Pic) (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s0Y6k1mUCfY).

    The Love in the Name of Christ Church (We'll keep calling them the Crips because the Focus Group we tested this on says it's a million times less stupid than Love in the Name of Christ Church, plus it's way faster to type) wanted the kid to go and pray or for people to pray for him or both. And that's all they wanted.

    The local district attorney (We'll call him the Bloods because the Focus Group doesn't like DA's either) has a different opinion. In his opinion, religion just isn't dying fast enough so he's trying to speed it up by sending the kid to jail for two years. And the Bloods won. While we admire any effort to kill off religion faster, we can't see ruining a kid's life to do it. That's why we wanted the Crips to win and the Blood's to lose.

    Of course, it might all turn out for the best. The jury might laugh and say, "Are you kidding me?" It might even start a whole huge wave of Jesus having sex pictures. With kids. adults, animals, whatever. There are a lot of kids who are really good with PhotoShop and they can have a lot of fun with this. God knows there's no shortage of pictures of Jesus for them to work with.

    The downside is that the jury might think that Jesus needs their help to protect Him from 14 year old kids who aren't doing anything wrong. Religious people tend to be as ego maniacal as they are stupid and hence believe that they can help the most powerful being in the Universe. Either way, we could get the waves of Jesus Porn but it wouldn't be nearly as good if this kid has to go to jail just because a bunch of old, uptight, insecure morons haven't had the courtesy to die already.

    And the only upside to that is that it will make a few more people (Ironically including even more factions of the Crips) realize that we have to stop giving them (The worst of the Bloods, the aforementioned old, uptight, insecure morons haven't had the courtesy to die already) power.

    The only thing left I have to say is that I hope all you kids who are good with PhotoShop start flooding the Net with Jesus Porn.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Monday, September 15th, 2014
    9:30 am
    What I Learned From Ferguson: Don't Hunt, Impeach!
    "Every attack on an officer of the law is an attack on our state, our country and civilized society."

    ~~~Tom Corbett, Governor Of Pennsylvania


    Do you think Tom is right or are you one of the growing numbers that say that all the evidence is screaming the exact opposite? I am in the latter camp. I joined it long before it was fashionable. Even before the Rodney King incident (What Has Changed About Police Brutality In America, From Rodney King To Michael Brown: http://thinkprogress.org/justice/2014/09/11/3477520/whats-changed-and-what-hasnt-in-policing-the-police/). I think Kent State (http://www.nytimes.com/learning/general/onthisday/big/0504.html) is what did it for me but it may even predate that. It might have been the 1968 Democratic Convention (http://www.cnn.com/ALLPOLITICS/1996/conventions/chicago/facts/chicago68/index.shtml).

    History that ancient tends to get fuzzy but the one thing we can all agree on is that I have been against our current police state almost from the start. Not the start of the police state but my start. And when I saw the story about the cop ambush in Pennsylvania, my first reaction was, "Good. There's one less person to write seat belt tickets and shoot unarmed Black kids." My second reaction was, "It's too bad that guy was such a bad shot but at least he got one of them."

    And now that I've had some time to think it over, I'm saying, "Why are we trying to find the killer? Why don't we back off and get all the facts first? You know, the same reasons we haven't arrested Darrin Wilson (Officer Darren Wilson Began Career At Disgraced Police Department: Report: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/08/24/darren-wilson-jennings-police-department_n_5704133.html).

    We need to calm down and figure out if the pig was a thug who deserved to be killed. And then, if circumstances warrant it, we can try to find the killer. As far as I'm concerned, Bryon Dickson is no better than Michael Brown or any of the other of the innocent people that the cops have been gunning down since the dawn of time...In fact I hold Byron to a much higher standard because we gave him a badge and a gun...ie, he isn't---Well, wasn't, since he's dead now---allowed to get mad and act like it like an ordinary person would...and now that he's dead, I want to know if he deserved it or not BEFORE we arrest anyone.

    To automatically just act like his killer is guilty of some crime is the wrong way to go. And even if you reject my arguments thus far, it would be just wrong, based on the First Comes, First Served principle, to arrest this this guy before we arrest Darrin Wilson.

    If Ferguson has taught me anything, it's this, any way you slice it, Pennsylvania should call off the manhunt. And instead devote all that time and energy into getting Tom Corbett impeached.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Sunday, September 14th, 2014
    4:40 am
    This Week's Sermon
    A lot of people say that I should go easier on religion. That a lot of religious people are just nice quiet people who only want to practice their faith in peace without trying to tell anyone else how to live and I know they're right. I grew up in a small town in Iowa. I know more of those people than you can shake a stick at. And it has never been my intention to hurt or even offend any of them. And then there are people like Ian Punnett (Ian Punnett Hosts his Final Broadcast of Coast to Coast AM Read More: Ian Punnett Hosts his Final Broadcast of Coast to Coast AM: http://wibx950.com/ian-punnett-hosts-his-final-broadcast-of-coast-to-coast-am/) who I don't know but would like to cause I admire him like crazy.

    The problem is that I also know a lot of people like Pastor Mark Dunford. Did you see what Mark said? Here, just in case you missed it: Evangelical megachurch begins closing branches after pastor calls women “penis homes” (http://www.salon.com/2014/09/08/evangelical_megachurch_begins_closing_branches_after_pastor_calls_women_penis_homes/).And that's the kind of thing you can laugh off and maybe even admire because it's going to drive even more young people into Atheism. In fact, if it drives enough people away from the Church, we can even put it down as a good thing.

    But it's not that simple. Because people like Mark (And he's far from being the worst of the bunch. He just happens to be in the news right now so I'm using him) are running a good deal of this country. Not nearly as much as when I was a kid but it's still a real big and very scary number. That's why, while some people say I am needlessly mean and cruel, and they do have a little point in select cases, I have to keep making broad statements like this, "You crazy God-Squad wackos should be locked up in a rubber room. You keep giving money and power to people like Mark Dunford. You give them respect and power and even worse, you make them pastors or elect them to public office and then you act surprised when they say you can't have an abortion or even birth control and you act really surprised when they molest your kids."

    So smarten up already! Stop being led around by the nose by these people. And their cheerleaders, people like my Number One Favorite Local Conservative Crackpot, Jim (http://www.woc1420.com/onair/jim-fisher-1936/). Jim is hardly the worst of the bunch, either. But he openly supports the worst (Sometimes in a comedically gold sort of way that I really do appreciate. I'll never forget the show where he said that Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin are smart and well qualified. I haven't listened to his show in a long time but I'll bet you a dollar to a doughnut that he's saying the same thing about our favorite whore who's being supported by the Koch Brothers, Joni Ernst (Joni Ernst: Lying Then or Lying Now?: http://leftisrightblog.wordpress.com/2014/07/10/joni-ernst-lying-then-or-lying-now/) right now) and that's just as bad.

    So maybe the the real starting place for you religious nuts should be to silence all the Jim Fishers out there by no longer listening to them. Do all that and maybe I'll even stipulate that religion isn't all that bad but these control freaks and con-men are just using it as a vehicle. And stupid people like Jim will always fall for cons, no matter how they're presented but first you have the vehicle they use most four flat tires.

    Now, just as the wise old saying, "A sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending and the two should be as close together as possible," dictates, I am going to wrap this up here in a minute. Right after I show you a video that illustrates another real world consequence of pretending that religious nuts have valid opinions and it's from just across the river: Shocking Details Of Cancer Patient’s Medical Marijuana Trial (Graphic Images) (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MComcHaPXDs).

    There's no reason that people have to suffer like that. And no matter how hard you try to argue that the two aren't all that connected, you are wrong. If we didn't have paranoid, gullible, religious people, we wouldn't have a war on drugs...And this textbook example of the driving need for lots more Jury Nullification (http://legal-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/Jury+nullification) in this country...hence, religion is the source of most evil and the sooner it's stamped out, the better. Amen.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---Dave Schrader , WOC AM 1420
    Saturday, September 13th, 2014
    9:06 am
    Three Big Non-Surprises
    All residents of Earth, listen up. This is kind of a big day. Because every single one of you can honestly say, "I am a Psychic!" You can skeptically try to explain it away by saying it's too easy, you're just taking advantage of the obvious but the fact remains that you all clearly saw these three things coming: 'Made-In-America' Walmart Gets Uniform Vests From Jordan (http://jobs.aol.com/articles/2014/09/12/walmart-gets-uniform-vests-from-jordan/), Did Zimmerman tell man: 'I will f***** kill you'? (http://www.hlntv.com/article/2014/09/12/george-zimmerman-threaten-kill-road-rage-run-in-police?hpt=hln10_1&hpt=hp_t2) and Vikings star Adrian Peterson indicted on felony charge of injury to a child (http://www.cnn.com/2014/09/12/justice/nfl-vikings-adrian-peterson-indicted/index.html?hpt=hp_t1).

    OK, you didn't know exactly which NFL player would be charged with child abuse, you just knew that one would be. And you didn't know precisely how Walmart was going to screw us and it's workers again, you only knew that they would. Just as you didn't know if George Zimmerman was going to be in the news again for actually killing someone again or if it would only be for stalking and threatening to kill someone again but you knew one or the other would happen.

    For all those reasons and more, you won't qualify to get $1 million from James Randi (Randi $1,000,000 paranormal challenge: http://www.skepdic.com/randi.html). But when you think about it, that's not a big deal because there are more than 7 billion of you and if you split a lousy million dollars, it wouldn't be worth cashing the check. Heck, if just you, my ten million loyal daily readers, claimed it, it still wouldn't be worth anything.

    It's a good thing money doesn't mean anything to you or this might be depressing. The one time you hit the lottery, everyone else in the world wins, too. And you can't quite say you're as good as Miss Cleo (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miss_Cleo) but that doesn't matter either. You hit three major predictions in one day and that's more than good enough to get you in the Psychic Big Leagues.

    You'll never be Babe Ruth or even make it into the Hall Of Fame but you made it out of the minors and that's good enough for you. Unless. Unless you are the next Amazing Kreskin (http://www.amazingkreskin.com/). Now, he is the Babe Ruth Of Psychics. But who says you can't be better?

    No one, that's who! Don't fall victim to self-doubt. Look at it this way. You are already on a roll. You predicted three major news events in one day! That's amazing! Even if everyone else in the world did it, too. And look at the opportunities that fate is handing you on a silver platter right now, this very minute.

    There is a major Solar Storm about to hit the Earth (Big solar storm hitting Earth: http://www.cnn.com/2014/09/11/tech/innovation/solar-storm/index.html?hpt=hp_t2) and Ebola is threatening to become much more deadly (Inability to contain Ebola sparks fears of virus mutating, going airborne: http://www.foxnews.com/health/2014/09/12/inability-to-contain-ebola-sparks-fears-virus-going-airborne/ ). What could be better?

    All you have to do is summon all your powers and get a clear vision of the future. See what we have to do to ensure the safety of our power grids and where we have to position our satellites to keep them from being fried so we don't lose the whole Internet right when TMZ is about to tell us all about the latest celebrity who just got caught doing something illegal and/or embarrassing in an elevator.

    Then find out what we have to do to turn Ebola into just another harmless pain-in-the neck garden variety illness. The payoff will be immense. I'm thinking it will be way more than $1 million. You'll be able scoff at James Randi's puny offer. Even more than that, I bet you'll knock Jesus right off the Most Admired People In History list.

    How can you say no to all that? Oh. This is your bowling night? OK, I understand then. You can use your mad Psychic skillz to save the entire human race some other time when you're not busy. Before you go, though, could you tell me where I left my car keys?

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Red State Update: Episode 40: This Ain't My First Racist Ro
    Friday, September 12th, 2014
    9:45 am
    It's Friday, You Bastards
    I have to begin by apologizing to all you Republicans out there. You said that the US would likely be attacked on 911 (Will ISIS plan a 9/11-style terror plot against the U.S.?: http://www.cbsnews.com/news/will-isis-plan-a-911-style-terror-plot-against-the-u-s/) and I laughed. A lot. And now I have to take back all that laughing, because you were right. But I am not stopping there. No. I am repenting. Going to the light side of the Force. From this day forward, I proudly say, Ich bin ein Conservative, y'all!----For those of you born after 1958, that's funny because it's almost the same thing JFK said in Berlin on June 26, 1963---.

    About the only thing I can say in my own defense is that the attack came on Wednesday 9-10 instead of Thursday, 9-11 but that isn't much of a defense because it was reported on 911. I don't have to tell you what happened because you're here right now, living through the horror but for the benefit of the historians and history students who will be reading this thousands of years in the future (Unless they lied to me and everything you put on the Internet doesn't really stay there forever the same way they lied to me when they told me my 8-Tracks would last forever. Remind me sometime to tell you about the time my copy of Close To You by The Carpenters fell apart right in the middle of We've Only Just Begun), I have to show it: Ted Cruz booed at Christian unity dinner (http://www.cnn.com/2014/09/11/politics/cruz-booed-off-stage/index.html).

    Also as predicted by the GOP, President Obama responded to this horribly vicious attack on American soil by shrugging, saying, "So what?" And then he went golfing. All I can say is I'm sorry for ever doubting them. A real President would have killed that entire audience with a drone strike before declaring war on Belgium. Because when American Christians attack Ted Cruz, who else could be to blame?

    And even if they aren't to blame, they still need to be invaded because they obviously have WMD's and, worse than that, Scott Walker is worried they'll cut into his cheese business before he can offshore it. Hold it. Stop booing. Who am I? Ted Cruz? Allow me to elaborate. See, Scott is the Governor Of Wisconsin and they make a lot of cheese there and so does Belgium and you know what? It doesn't matter that you didn't get it cause that joke killed in Platteville (Stop looking at me like I made that up. It's real, look: http://www.platteville.org/). So I don't need you and don't you ever forget it.

    Now where were we? Oh, yeah. In Platteville. Where they appreciate fine humor and you don't have to explain every joke. But now, unfortunately, we're here. In the Land Of The Low Information Audience. Where Ted Cruz can't get people who honestly believe that the most powerful being in the Universe needs their money (But the poor can go to Hell, just like Jesus said) to buy his BS. And all the lousy Democrats can do is laugh and say, "Told ya so!"

    I hope all you Liberals are proud of yourselves. Look at you. Continuing to attend all your lavish Gay weddings and drinking all your fancy wine imported all the way from California as if nothing happened, right after that great American, Ted Cruz, has been humiliated. You didn't even wait for the body to get cold. Shame on you!

    I ought to send you all straight to bed without your drinks. But I can't. Because Jesus also said, "Feed the hungry, clothe the poor and get the thirsty all boozed up." Thanks, Obama! Because you unduly and illegally abused your power by corrupting our Saviour (It wasn't Jesus' fault. He was Jewish and you know how they are with money, so you can't blame Him for taking a bribe), I have to be righteous and obedient. Until President Santa Claus does his Grinch impersonation and illegally issues an Executive Order prohibiting it.

    Why can't he just shut up and protect my liberty by reuniting Church And State, getting prayer back into school, banning abortion, unions and worker's rights, making people who are the wrong color ride in the back of the bus and putting the atheists and homosexuals in prison? Is that too much to ask? No. And we all know why. Just look at who's sitting in the front of the golf cart.

    But what can we do? Now that Ted Cruz has been booed offstage, there's no one left to protect all us rich old white men. I am so sick and tired of seeing all these commercials about little kids starving in Africa and asking for money. Don't you think we should fix our domestic problems first? The garage at my vacation house needs another car elevator! But does anyone ever think of that?

    Why can't the damn Democrats start a little war when you need one? I own companies that make bullets and caskets for God's sake! I did great when Dubya was President, but now? I need more customers! Not peace! It's enough to drive you to drink and as I've already explained, since I'm obligated to aid and abet you in that pursuit, there's no use putting it off any longer. So here's Fifi, my Sommelier, with the Theme Drink she invented for tonight:


    =====================================

    Booed Offstage

    Ingredients:

    2 oz Brandy (Courvoisier)
    1 1/2 oz Grand Marnier
    Juice of 1/2 Lemon
    Ice cubes
    Sugar

    Mixing instructions:

    Stir liquors and juice over ice gently. Sugar rim of chilled cocktail glass and strain.

    =====================================


    Now, before I forget, I want to do my usual 911 salute to New York (The greatest city in the world that luckily survived the two most sadistic terrorist attacks in history, the assault on the World Trade Center and then Mayor Bloomberg's efforts to it into a second rate imitation of Salt Lake City): New York State Of Mind - Billy Joel (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zPYn5fjcnSI).

    I don't always use New York State Of Mind. Sometimes I go with New York New York: Frank Sinatra - "Theme from New York New York" (Concert Collection) (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xMfz1jlyQrw).

    Someday, I'm going to totally freak you out by using them both in the same year. But not this year because I still have to explain that my 911 Tribute is one day late because I felt it would be inappropriate yesterday. I mean, those people in the World Trade Center only got run over by airplanes. Ted Cruz got booed offstage! I wasn't going to tarnish his memory by making him share the day with a bunch of whiny crybabies (Glenn Beck: “And when I see a 9/11 victim family on television, or whatever, I'm just like, "Oh shut up!" I'm so sick of them because they're always complaining. And we did our best for them.”: http://www.reddit.com/r/WTF/comments/9jinb/glenn_beckand_when_i_see_a_911_victim_family_on/).

    And I have to get tonight's Featured Party Game: Binders Full Of Girl's Doing Things That Would Get The Rockettes Fired. So, you see, there's just no time for two songs this year. Plus, before things get really rolling here, I have to go take a nap. My first full day being ein Conservative has been exhausting. Who knew that being stupid and arrogant takes so much effort? I'll tell you one thing. I'm never making fun of the Do Nothing Congress ever again because now I know that they aren't lazy, they're just frazzled from being idiots all day.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Thursday, September 11th, 2014
    7:13 am
    Blessed Are The Fully Armed?
    As of today, I want Wendy Davis to win even more than I did before. Because she has admitted to having an abortion (Wendy Davis Reveals She Had An Abortion: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V68L2pB83CU). I'm not sure exactly how it's going to work since I already wanted her to win 100% and my friends in the Math Department say that wanting more than 100% is impossible. Don't worry though, because I have instructed both of my teams of mathematicians, the one at MIT and the one at Stanford, to make it happen or else.

    My goal is to want her to win a full 200% but I will settle for anything over 155%. That, kids, is how compromise works. It's the art of keeping your employees fearful and on their toes while not asking for too much. You can't be too demanding and rigid or you'll just end up with a roomful of useless neurotic basket cases and you'll have to end up doing the whole thing yourself. Thanks, Obama!

    But I didn't come here tonight to tell you how to run your personal affairs (These methods work just as effectively on friends, family, mistresses and whatever else you have going on on the side and the always troublesome Significant Others as they do on employees. The secret is to never forget that they all work for you) and your business while getting right with God at the same time. So you're gonna have to figure out the rest on your own.

    Right now we have to talk about Wendy Davis but since I already told you I 200% want her to win, we can move onto the next point. Which is that we currently don't have any openly Atheists in Congress or the Senate and I really doubt if we have any governors either and I find that upsetting. Furthermore, I can't find any data on Congresspeople, Senators and Governors who have had abortions so I am assuming that number is zero, too, and Wendy's election would fix that problem. And bring us one step closer to having an openly Atheist member of Congress.

    We did have one until last year when Barney Frank retired, so we know it can be done. We just need to do it again. And keep doing it until we finally have a complete separation of Church and State. Judging by the abnormally high number of death threats I routinely get from my friends, family, mistresses and whatever else I have going on on the side and the always troublesome Significant Others, I won't live long enough to see any good coming from this. As always, I'm doing it all for you.

    Of course, if I started listening to my friend Pat, I might be able to last a while longer. I'd have to adapt his advice a little because he wants me to start taking a gun to church (Pat Robertson Endorses Guns In Church: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eFOsF9TSaJg&list=UUldfgbzNILYZA4dmDt4Cd6A) and I don't go to church. I suppose the same principals apply in strip clubs, brothels, casinos, bars and liquor stores, though.

    Or am I reading him wrong? Is his message really that I don't have anything to worry about because all the angry demented killers can only be found in churches? Remind me to ask him that the next time I see him. To make things even more complicated, my friend Phil has a dissenting opinion. He says that guns won't help because the real angry demented killer is God ('Duck Dynasty' star Phil Robertson delivers another anti-gay rant: http://tv.msn.com/tv/article.aspx?news=888328&ocid=ansent11), He's just working through the people you think are just heavily armed maniacs and you can't fight Him with bullets.

    The way Phil sees it, immoral conduct is causing God to prove how much He loves us by making us shoot each other. And all you naughty immoral people are endangering my life by getting me caught in the crossfire and making all my friends, family, mistresses and whatever else I have going on on the side and the always troublesome Significant Others want to kill me. Unless Pat really means that all crossfire is confined to churches. But if that is true, why do I keep getting the death threats even though I never go to church? You know what? I'm starting to regret opening this can of worms.

    It's at times like this that I thank my favorite imaginary being, God, that I have you. Because all I have to do is tell you to get together with Pat and Phil and the three of you can figure out what is really going on and then tell me exactly what to do. Come up with a solution that won't annoy me or disrupt my schedule. That's all you have to do and there's no hurry. Take all the time you want as long as you have it on my desk by 5 PM today.

    Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a date with my other favorite imaginary being, Wonder Woman. She's not the real Wonder Woman but just like a good Elvis impersonator when you want to hear Hound Dog live, she'll do just fine. That's all. Dismissed! Oh, make sure you vote for Wendy Davis, too. If you don't already live in Texas, you have plenty of time to move and then feel free to move back after the election, if you want. OK, I said dismissed, didn't I? Why are you still here?

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Wednesday, September 10th, 2014
    1:37 am
    Blessed Are The Fully Armed?
    As of today, I want Wendy Davis to win even more than I did before. Because she has admitted to having an abortion (Wendy Davis Reveals She Had An Abortion: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V68L2pB83CU). I'm not sure exactly how it's going to work since I already wanted her to win 100% and my friends in the Math Department say that wanting more than 100% is impossible. Don't worry though, because I have instructed both of my teams of mathematicians, the one at MIT and the one at Stanford, to make it happen or else.

    My goal is to want her to win a full 200% but I will settle for anything over 155%. That, kids, is how compromise works. It's the art of keeping your employees fearful and on their toes while not asking for too much. You can't be too demanding and rigid or you'll just end up with a roomful of useless neurotic basket cases and you'll have to end up doing the whole thing yourself. Thanks, Obama!

    But I didn't come here tonight to tell you how to run your personal affairs (These methods work just as effectively on friends, family, mistresses and whatever else you have going on on the side and the always troublesome Significant Others as they do on employees. The secret is to never forget that they all work for you) and your business while getting right with God at the same time. So you're gonna have to figure out the rest on your own.

    Right now we have to talk about Wendy Davis but since I already told you I 200% want her to win, we can move onto the next point. Which is that we currently don't have any openly Atheists in Congress or the Senate and I really doubt if we have any governors either and I find that upsetting. Furthermore, I can't find any data on Congresspeople, Senators and Governors who have had abortions so I am assuming that number is zero, too, and Wendy's election would fix that problem. And bring us one step closer to having an openly Atheist member of Congress.

    We did have one until last year when Barney Frank retired, so we know it can be done. We just need to do it again. And keep doing it until we finally have a complete separation of Church and State. Judging by the abnormally high number of death threats I routinely get from my friends, family, mistresses and whatever else I have going on on the side and the always troublesome Significant Others, I won't live long enough to see any good coming from this. As always, I'm doing it all for you.

    Of course, if I started listening to my friend Pat, I might be able to last a while longer. I'd have to adapt his advice a little because he wants me to start taking a gun to church (Pat Robertson Endorses Guns In Church: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eFOsF9TSaJg&list=UUldfgbzNILYZA4dmDt4Cd6A) and I don't go to church. I suppose the same principals apply in strip clubs, brothels, casinos, bars and liquor stores, though.

    Or am I reading him wrong? Is his message really that I don't have anything to worry about because all the angry demented killers can only be found in churches? Remind me to ask him that the next time I see him. To make things even more complicated, my friend Phil has a dissenting opinion. He says that guns won't help because the real angry demented killer is God ('Duck Dynasty' star Phil Robertson delivers another anti-gay rant: http://tv.msn.com/tv/article.aspx?news=888328&ocid=ansent11), He's just working through the people you think are just heavily armed maniacs and you can't fight Him with bullets.

    The way Phil sees it, immoral conduct is causing God to prove how much He loves us by making us shoot each other. And all you naughty immoral people are endangering my life by getting me caught in the crossfire and making all my friends, family, mistresses and whatever else I have going on on the side and the always troublesome Significant Others want to kill me. Unless Pat really means that all crossfire is confined to churches. But if that is true, why do I keep getting the death threats even though I never go to church? You know what? I'm starting to regret opening this can of worms.

    It's at times like this that I thank my favorite imaginary being, God, that I have you. Because all I have to do is tell you to get together with Pat and Phil and the three of you can figure out what is really going on and then tell me exactly what to do. Come up with a solution that won't annoy me or disrupt my schedule. That's all you have to do and there's no hurry. Take all the time you want as long as you have it on my desk by 5 PM today.

    Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a date with my other favorite imaginary being, Wonder Woman. She's not the real Wonder Woman but just like a good Elvis impersonator when you want to hear Hound Dog live, she'll do just fine. That's all. Dismissed! Oh, make sure you vote for Wendy Davis, too. If you don't already live in Texas, you have plenty of time to move and then feel free to move back after the election, if you want. OK, I said dismissed, didn't I? Why are you still here?

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---George Noory, WOC AM 1420
    1:36 am
    Rock Bottom And Beyond, Again
    You would think that after Trayvon Martin and Michael Brown, the police have hit rock bottom. But no. They have managed to go even deeper. To wit: Father seeks closure in son's 'Houdini handcuff suicide' (http://www.cnn.com/2014/09/10/us/louisiana-victor-white-handcuff-suicide/index.html?hpt=hp_c2). If you read the story, you are going to be shocked that the cops have a chance to get away with this.

    But then that shock is going to completely dissipate when you see that this is at least the third time this has happened. Because the typical human body just doesn't have enough room for that much shock. What won't shock you is that the three cases happened in Arkansas, North Carolina and now Louisiana.

    Before I go on, I want to disclose that I see nothing wrong with suicide and if these three cases were really suicides, I would find them particularly impressive. The problem is that all the evidence is screaming murder rather than suicide. The police want me to believe that they arrested and frisked a kid...Who just happens to be Black...who then, while still handcuffed, managed to produce a gun and inflict a fatal wound on himself.

    In the first place, why would a kid with that kind of talent not be making $1 million a month in Vegas? In the second place, with those kinds of skills, he would have been able to escape rather easily so why did he choose suicide? In the third place, why weren't the officers involved all immediately arrested and charged with murder since it is the most likely scenario and if it turned out that suicide was what really happened, couldn't it be proven in court?

    I know the answer to the third question. The cops are white, the kid is Black, therefore whatever the cops say is the truth. Don't politicize it! And don't ask embarrassing questions about how this is similar to the Affluenza case in which a white kid killed four people and got sentenced to rehab (Judge orders Texas teen Ethan Couch to rehab for driving drunk, killing 4: http://www.cnn.com/2014/02/05/us/texas-affluenza-teen/index.html).

    Because if Ethan Couch were Black and poor, the cops could have executed him on the spot and if they didn't, he would be in jail right now for manslaughter. But he is white and rich, so he gets rehab. If the cops had done anything illegal to him when he was arrested, they would have been immediately crucified. Just as the cops who murdered Michael Brown and refused to arrest George Zimmerman should have been but weren't. Along with the cops who killed Victor White III. And on and on.

    That's how Justice in America works. And when I say it works, what I really mean is that it really doesn't work for anyone. That's all I have to say about this but before I go, I want to show you a little piece of what turn out to be good news: DOJ investigation into Trayvon Martin shooter George Zimmerman is still 'active,' Holder says (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2745130/DOJ-investigation-Trayvon-Martin-shooter-George-Zimmerman-active-Holder-says.html). George Zimmerman could still be found guilty in a civil court. It's not much but it's better than nothing. Unless you consider that some gun maker will probably offer him a very good job because of it.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Tuesday, September 9th, 2014
    12:59 pm
    Another Rough Week For Rush
    It's been a really rough week so far for Rush (http://www.rushlimbaugh.com/). First, he lost one of his youngest and gayest listeners, S. Truett Cathy (Chick-fil-A founder S. Truett Cathy has died: http://news.msn.com/us/chick-fil-a-founder-s-truett-cathy-has-died?ocid=ansnews11). Not that there was anything romantic going between them because Truett was a full eighty years too old to be attractive to Rush but they were two of the most prominent and most vocal of the self-loathing elderly in the closet gay Conservatives and now there's just Rush.

    Left to carry on all by himself...except for the multitudes of other gay Conservatives who are also in the closet. The closet that is kind of transparent because you can tell just how gay they are by the way they bash gays. It's a really big closet, too. In fact, instead of listing everyone in it, it's easier to identify and list all the Conservatives who aren't gay: Dennis Miller (http://www.dennismillerradio.com/). Oh, maybe there are one or two others but Dennis is the only one who proves it on a regular basis by telling his idiot callers that Marriage Equality is a good thing. Wait, Dick Cheney, too, finally proved he isn't gay and there must be others but not enough to bother counting.

    And life didn't quit kicking Rush with one little death in the Closeted Gay Community. The Liberal Drive-By Media double crossed him, too, by being 1% Liberal and publishing this: America's Wealth Gap 'Unsustainable' According To Harvard Study (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/08/wealth-gap_n_5783550.html). Now Conservatism is in danger of losing the three or four Conservatives who know how to read. For my Conservative friends, I'm going to repeat the most important part of that article: "Thriving citizens become more productive employees, more willing consumers, and stronger supporters of pro-business policies. Struggling citizens are disgruntled at work, frugal at the cash register, and anti-business at the ballot box."

    I know that's full of a lot of big words you don't understand so I'm going to rephrase it in a way you might understand: Stop voting for Republicans, you moron. Just stop. If you can't bring yourself to vote for Democrats, you have my sympathy and don't worry, you be just as useful by staying home on election day. Don't make us wait for all you S. Truett Cathy's to die before we start making progress again.

    Look at it this way, you're not just losing, you've already lost. It's a death by a thousand cuts, like this one: Fast Food Companies Just Lost A Really Big Fight In California (http://live.huffingtonpost.com/r/highlight/fast-food-companies-just-lost-a-really-big-fight-in-california/53ee20ae78c90a19fb000397?cn=tbla). And we all want to speed it up. If for no other reason than to ease your suffering. You do, too. You just won't admit it. And also give some thought to the potential consequences of not doing it.

    A lot of people already think a French style revolution is coming if you idiots don't start doing your part by ending the madness that is Conservatism and can you see any other outcome? I know you're not very smart and I try to make allowances for that because being mean to retards is wrong but really, how more simple could it be? Take a look at this: A New Jersey woman who died while napping in her car between work shifts is just one of the many stories that detail the struggle low-wage workers face (http://live.huffingtonpost.com/r/highlight/dunkin-donuts-workers-death-reveals-low-wage-employees-struggles/54074c7dfe3444b410000081?cn=tbla).

    How much longer are your destructive, wild eyed delusions going to be tolerated? You may be thinking that guys like Rush are going to get the worst of it. The full Benito Mussolini treatment. You remember. He was strangled and then hung by the heels so people could throw rocks and garbage at his body but before that, while he was still alive and shortly after he died, he was kicked, beaten, urinated and spit on. While you get away scot-free. You may be thinking that but you are only half right.

    All that will happen to Rush and his ilk when this pressure cooker finally explodes but will that be the end of it? You should do a little research and find out what happened to the collaborators after World War II. Then ask yourself, "Do I really want to go through that?" If the answer is no, then you should start voting as if you have a brain and hope that everything gets fixed before the mob with the torches and pitchforks comes for you.

    Or you can have what's behind Door Number Two. You can continue to enjoy watching Rush suffer as life keeps kicking him when he's down (Did you see that he lost Cedar Rapids, Iowa? Along with a bunch of other hardcore Conservative stations? Fading Rush Limbaugh Loses 4 Radio Stations In Three Weeks - Protest Movement Closing In (http://www.dailykos.com/story/2014/08/22/1323651/-Another-One-Rush-Limbaugh-Loses-3-Radio-Stations-In-Two-Weeks-Boycotters-Closing-In#)) and did you notice that his hometown, Cape Girardeau, Missouri just banned annoying noises (Missouri Town Banned 'Annoying' Noises: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UJ3uKT4WM8)---It's pretty subtle but could their intention be anything other than getting Rush to shut up and stop embarrassing them?---Anyway, that's the funny side side of this tragic coin. But when it boils over and becomes things that aren't so funny, are you just going to hope that no one notices how much you were aiding and abetting him?

    To me, it seems like a big and very needless risk. But, if you do end up in a viral video that depicts you getting what you deserve, you can take solace in the fact that I will enjoy watching it.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Red State Update: Episode 40: This Ain't My First Racist Ro
    Monday, September 8th, 2014
    7:07 am
    Gene Tries Again
    Gene "F–k You, Then Kill Yourself" Simmons, just like Satan in Paradise Lost (Is Milton’s Satan the hero of Paradise Lost?: http://www.satanismyhero.com/), is nobly fighting a battle he can not win. To unseat the King Of The Pricks, Ted Nugent. Ted will always hold that title. In the Music Division...But even in the heavy-weight Politics Division, he could give a lot of the contenders a run for their money.

    Still that doesn't stop Gene from trying. First, he made the depression comments (KISS Bassist Gene Simmons Under Fire for Depression Comments: ‘F–k You, Then Kill Yourself’: http://www.thewrap.com/kiss-bassist-gene-simmons-under-fire-for-depression-comments-f-k-you-then-kill-yourself/) and they only got him dismissed as an old and not very bright crackpot so he decided to pick himself up off the floor and get in the ring again with this: Gene Simmons Says Rock Isn't Just Dead, ‘It Was Murdered’ by File Sharing (https://celebrity.yahoo.com/news/gene-simmons-says-rock-isnt-just-dead-murdered-204100788.html).

    That is every bit as daft as saying that you will be dead or in jail if President Obama gets reelected. It's even as daft as calling Sandra Fluke a slut (Rush Limbaugh–Sandra Fluke controversy: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rush_Limbaugh%E2%80%93Sandra_Fluke_controversy) but it lacks something vital that they both don't lack. It doesn't have any spark or color and history will treat it as just another disposable stupid comment with a two week shelf life. Instead of the hand grenade that is "Sandra Fluke is a slut," it's a harmlessly under-powered imitation toy firecracker with a defective fuse. And someone must have left it out in the rain cause it's all soggy.

    That's why world class Pricks like Ted and Rush have nothing to worry about from Gene Simmons. But it doesn't mean that he's completely useless, either. He still has his place and today, that place happens to be at a lectern, in the front of the room, addressing the students in Economics 101 because you can learn a lot from him. Let's look at his thesis:

    ==============================

    “The death of rock was not a natural death. Rock did not die of old age. It was murdered. The masses do not recognize file-sharing and downloading as stealing because there's a copy left behind for you — it's not that copy that's the problem, it's the other one that someone received but didn't pay for.”

    ==============================

    Again, I'm going to resurrect the memory of Rush (Yeah, I know he's technically not dead yet but I love referring to him in the past tense anyway), because it's as just as stupid as saying CBS has declared war on the Heartland (CBS Declares War on Heartland of America: http://www.rushlimbaugh.com/daily/2014/04/10/cbs_declares_war_on_heartland_of_america) but yet again, Rush has nothing to worry about.

    Gene...How can put this nicely?...OK, how about this: Gene isn't very creative or talented and he doesn't have much of a way with words. It's why the one single song that made and is still keeping him a star (Kiss - Beth - Live: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KbtO_Ayjw0M) is one that he had almost nothing to do with. And to this day, he calls the one person responsible for all his success, Peter Criss, a lazy worthless junkie.

    It's also why he can't deliver a hit idiotic message. He's as inept with political messages as he is with music. He can be as idiotic as he wants (And he does nail the idiocy, I'll say that much for him) but he still can't compete. You might think I'm straying off-topic or even being repetitive at this point but I'm not. I'm merely setting up this next parallel I'm about to draw: Gene is as good at prose and music as he is at understanding economics.

    He's defending the record companies...The people who have turned ripping off artists into an art. And why? Because he thinks he could make a few extra dollars if people stopped stealing from thieves. But, he's dead wrong. In the first place, he wouldn't make any extra money and in the second place, the record companies killed rock, not the pirates.

    Greedy companies attempting to squeeze everything from their talent as well as their own customers while giving back as little as possible is what caused the death of rock. Just as they are killing the rest of the economy. The real lesson here is to never take Conservatives seriously.

    All the arguments Gene uses against piracy are just rehashes of the same weak lame-brained and absolutely wrong arguments used against the Minimum Wage, ObamaCare and everything else the Conservatives don't like. That's right, Gene pirated them. To fight piracy. Sometimes I'm a fan of fighting fire with fire but not in this case. Because it's just stupid.

    Speaking of stupid, I'm going to close by reminding you that if you think piracy has any economic consequences, you are as stupid as Gene Simmons. There are plenty of legal, ethical and moral reasons to avoid it but not one economic reason. Stealing does not affect prices. No matter how hard idiots like to pretend they do. Companies charge you what you are willing and able to pay. Period. Theft doesn't affect the equation. You can say that it's built into the profit margin but it doesn't matter. If theft gets out of hand and the market won't support a price increase, they'll lower the margin to keep moving product. If the market will support a price increase, you will get it anyway. Theft or no theft.

    Look at gas. Does anyone steal gas anymore? I know a few years ago there was an epidemic of drive-offs at gas stations but only at the ones that hadn't already switched to Pay Before You Pump and are there any stations left that let you pump and then pay? And how has this nearly total lack of theft affected gas prices? Can you fill up your car for less than $20? OK, then why would you think not pirating KISS albums could possibly save rock? The decision to kill or save it, like all other decisions, will be made by lazy, thieving, entitled, rich white men and you don't have a vote. Even if you steal or don't steal. Don't fall for the illusion.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Sunday, September 7th, 2014
    12:48 pm
    This Week's Sermon
    It doesn't always work out but I like to dedicate Sundays to God whenever I can. Sometimes it's hard because I don't have much to work with. Then there are the weeks when I have nothing to work with and they are the most tragic. I'm old and running out of time. Every Sunday I can't talk about religion is a loss that can't be recovered. Even if I...God forbid...live another 100 years. Because any day now, that list they release every year that tells what today's high school seniors have never heard of is going to have religion on it.

    At that point, if I write a piece on religion, my Editor-In-Chief, Style Manual and my Agent, Drusilla, will never even show it to my Publisher, Bombastic Bushkin, because they don't like anything you kids can't immediately relate to. If you think I'm overreacting, please explain why every time I write a brilliant piece about something like running boards, hoop skirts and buggy whips, it never gets published. And how religion would be treated any differently. In 1932, I could sell running boards based essays all day but not now. And religion has no special dispensation from this process. Oh, I might be able to sneak it into my Blog but why bother? Because there, only my ten million loyal daily Blog readers will see it and how much money could be in that?

    That's why I'm especially grateful for days like this. Not just because this is the day the Lord has made. It is also because my cup runneth over with not one but two good religion stories. It's a regular old fashioned embarrassment of riches. And that means you can rejoice and be glad in them, too. As Mick Jagger once said, after getting away with running 20 red lights in a row, "Thank you, Jesus! Thank you, Lord!" That's from one of my all time favorite Christian Rock songs, by the way, Far Away Eyes (The Rolling Stones - Far Away Eyes - OFFICIAL PROMO: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VyK1bZZ7E-s).

    And you don't even have to send $10 to The Sacred Bleeding Heart Church Of Jesus, located somewhere in Los Angeles, California. You get this for free! Which is a good thing because if you're a good Christian your entire life...Remember how good a Christian you are is defined by how much money you give the Church...because odds are you are going to need that money when you get old. To wit: Poor Elderly Woman Asks The Wrong TV Preacher For Financial Advice (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_cgN9X9zcY&list=UU1yBKRuGpC1tSM73A0ZjYjQ).

    Cenk and Ana, as usual, do a remarkably good job of breaking that down but I want to bring in another heavy hitter from my bench, my old friend George, to do even more breaking down:

    ==================================


    When it comes to bullshit, big-time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. No contest. No contest. Religion. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!

    But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story. Holy Shit!

    George Carlin
    On Religion

    ObjectiveThought.com
    12-23-5

    http://rense.com/general69/obj.htm (There's lots more so you should really click that link and read it)


    ==================================

    Now for my two cents. Did you get the moral of the story told by the video? If you end up old and broke, it's all your fault! God, despite His reputation, just cashes checks, He doesn't provide miracles. Unless you pray harder. Um, yeah, that will work. Now, it's time for the second entry in this double feature. A prime example of just how the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion, has invaded everything: Man Kicked Out Of Air Force For Being Atheist (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NVdd6BsbPR0).

    Get that. We finally made the military safe for Gays but we can't even get Don't Ask, Don't Tell for Atheists. Someday soon you'll be able to be logical and still get in the Air Force but that day isn't quite here yet. Or maybe that day will never come because Willie Robertson will turn out to be right and Jesus will get here first: Willie Robertson Warns Atheists Jesus Is Coming (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHTDLKPpOvw).

    Has Willie ever been wrong about anything? Well, OK, but the Law Of Averages says he has to be right someday and maybe this is it. Jesus will finally come out of hiding and do something useful. Maybe He'll even give back to the poor old people some of their money and say it's OK for Atheists to be in the Air Force. Let's spend the rest of the day praying for that. Amen.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Red State Update: Episode 40: This Ain't My First Racist Ro
    Saturday, September 6th, 2014
    8:37 am
    The Amazement Continues
    For the zillionth and one time, I am totally amazed that people don't get suicide. The catalyst this time was this article: One suicide every 40 seconds: World Health Organization report (http://www.cnn.com/2014/09/05/world/who-global-suicide-report/index.html?hpt=hp_t2). Part of my amazement stems from the fact that the suicide rate is so astronomically low. Even when you adjust the official numbers to reflect the true number of suicides. You know, the vast number of over-doses and crashes and other deaths that are put down as accidents but are really suicides.

    The other part of my amazement comes from seeing "journalists" still getting away with publishing articles like this. Articles that insist that life is awesome and if you don't want to be here, there is something wrong with you. And that lady in the video? She's still taken seriously. Just like all the rest of the anti-suicide freaks.

    It's doubly ridiculous when you consider that everyone knows life that sucks. How many people do you know who don't say it on a regular basis? And yet, very few are willing to admit that it is really true. Thus, we get stuck with an endless flow of tripe like the above article and people like Robin Williams are dismissed as loony's because they were smart enough to get out.

    This aspect of our crazy Bizarro World makes what the Republicans do and say look downright sane. If you want to hear this insanity raised to it's ultimate level, listen sometime (He does usually does it at least once a month) to Dennis The Menace (http://www.dennismillerradio.com/) talk for two solid hours about how badly veterans are screwed, blued and mildewed at every turn for their entire lives and then at the end mention how terrible it is that 22 of them are killing themselves everyday and end the whole thing with, "Why do they do that? What could be so bad?"

    For true comedic gold like that, you have to go to a retarded Republican...Sorry for the redundancy but retarded and Republican go so naturally good together that it would be a shame to split them up just because they mean the same thing...like Dennis but, sadly, it's not all laughs. Retards like Dennis are funny but their attitudes are like Ebola and they infect everyone.

    Otherwise sane people say the same kinds of things. They aren't as funny as the retarded Republicans because in the moment, after talking about why an entire group should kill themselves, they would never stupidly ask, "What could be so bad?" But later, when the moment has passed they will say things that are nearly as stupid.

    The Christians (Many of whom are Republicans, too, so the crossover is huge) are the next worst. How can you believe in Heaven AND see death, even when caused by suicide, as a bad thing? Why would you want to delay the start of eternity in Paradise to spend 80 years here? This is why the people who invented God had to make Him so against the idea that it was a mortal sin. Then, when that got too ridiculous to support, they had to change it but by then it didn't matter because the brainwashing was so ingrained in so many cultures.

    So, what is it going to take to change this dangerously wrong mindset? When are we going to admit that, all things considered, suicide is a very rational response to life? Living is crazy. Understandable because death is scary. But to say suicide is crazy? That's just denying the facts and as long as we keep doing it, we are never going to solve all the problems that drive people to suicide. It would be logical for you anti-suicide people to realize that but no. You preach the Suicide Is Crazy lie louder and harder than anyone. The saddest part is that I don't see an end to this unless...Maybe when the suicide rate finally climbs up to where you would expect it to be, you know, several dozen times more than what it is now, maybe everyone will realize we need another strategy.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Red State Update: Episode 40: This Ain't My First Racist Ro
    Friday, September 5th, 2014
    7:28 am
    It's Friday, You Bastards
    The big question all of you are asking is this, "Did Jackie & Dunlap (Episode 93: The Red State Update Podcast Curse: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2cW1ZO0nofs&list=UULjGwELoFRXojiw8T2t2BDw) kill Joan Rivers (Joan Rivers, Emmy-winning comedian and 'Fashion Police' host, dead at 81: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2cW1ZO0nofs&list=UULjGwELoFRXojiw8T2t2BDw)? I'll answer that in just a minute but first I want to clear up a major misconception you've fallen prey to.

    Jackie & Dunlap don't kill people. It may appear that they do and they may in fact have that power but we'll never know because it's safer to not ask them questions like that but, thus far anyway, they haven't killed anyone. Don't try to make it more than it is. At this point, all we can say for sure is that they are not killers, they are Prophets. They know when you're gonna die and a week or so before you buy the farm they will talk about you on their Podcast so you can enjoy it before you go. Instead of adding insult to injury by saying nice things about you when you can't hear them, the way most folks do.

    It's just that simple. No more, no less. There are no black masses or intricate sacrificial ceremonies complete with lots of incense and naked dancing girls in weird masks. Not in a religious way designed to bribe Gods into telling them the future, anyway. So just forget all that nonsense. This is also yet another concrete real life reason to not believe anything you see on TMZ (http://www.tmz.com/) cause all they do is take unauthorized leaked footage of completely innocent gatherings and distort them just to gain a bigger audience.

    And while I'm dispelling myths, I might as well take care of another one. This is the one the skeptics are afflicted with. They don't believe Jackie & Dunlap are Prophets. Especially in the case of Mickey Rooney because he was 93. But that's hogwash. If you're still skeptical, allow me to prove it to you. Go and pick out any 93 year old person you want and tell me, within a week, when he or she is gonna die.

    You can't do it. Unless you're a Prophet like Jackie & Dunlap are. Random Chance says you will be successful a certain amount of the time but that's not applicable to this experiment because you have to pick just one 93 year old and tell me, within a week, when he or she is going to die. Just like Jackie & Dunlap did with Mickey. Additionally, if you have any decency at all, you will do a Podcast celebrating that person 6 or 7 days before he or she dies.

    OK, now that you are no longer floundering about on a sea of ignorance (Thanks to me and you're welcome), I can answer your question: No. I don't think so, anyway. But then again, my memory ain't what it used to be so maybe Jackie &Dunlap did talk about Joan before she had her heart attack.

    So the answer might be yes. The important thing is that you came here with an unquenchable thirst for knowledge and the driving need for a definitive answer and I provided it. You're welcome. And now I may as well answer your next question: Now that Johnny and Joan are together in Heaven, are they getting along again (Joan Rivers: Revisiting Her 'Messy' Feud With Johnny Carson: https://tv.yahoo.com/blogs/tv-news/joan-rivers-johnny-carson-233321397.html?.tsrc=sun?_devicefull)?

    To that, I definitively answer: Maybe. If you want a better answer than that, you should go to someone with connections on the Other Side. Someone like Jackie or Dunlap. Don't go over there tonight, though, cause things get kind of wild in Jackie's cellar on Friday nights and security doesn't take kindly to uninvited guests.

    I found that out the hard way but that's another story for another day. Today, the story is tonight's party. And lead paragraph is this, the Theme Drink that Fifi, my Sommelier, invented for tonight:

    =======================================


    Can We Talk?

    Ingredients:

    1 1/2 oz Vodka
    Fill With Clamato juice
    3 dashes Tabasco sauce
    3 dashes Worcestershire sauce

    Mixing instructions:

    Line rim of glass with salt & pepper. Over ice add vodka, fill with Clamato Juice then add remaining ingredients. Garnish with celery stick. Add optional amount of Tabasco to fire it up.

    =======================================

    Before I forget, Joan also fulfilled the Rule Of Three requirement for this round. There was Robin Williams, Lauren Bacall and then her. All within a month. There were three or four other minor celebrities, too, but a lot of people don't count them because they weren't big enough. I don't know what the official record is thus far but I think, based on casual observation that the Rule Of Three happens far more often than it doesn't.

    I point that out not because it needs to be pointed out. I do it because it's fun. It forces the Law-of-Large-Numbers believers to concoct even fancier and more convoluted math to support their desperate quest to convince everyone that coincidence rules this Universe and there is no other hard to figure out and way more scary force at work.

    Just like Entangled Particles, it's Spooky Action At A Distance (Which is a very unsettling aspect of physics that just won't go away. Here's a fairly recent article on it: Reviving Einstein's spooky action at a distance: http://phys.org/news/2014-03-reviving-einstein-spooky-action-distance.html) and it freaks a lot of people out. And like I just said, I find freaking people out fun.

    I suppose you could call me a sadist. Especially right now because it makes for a perfect segue to tonight's Featured Party Game: Binders Full If Girls Demonstrating Who Ties Whom Up. It is based, of course, on Joan's famous remark that went a little something like this, "It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom."

    And don't think you have to be old and forgetful to enjoy this game. There's plenty in it for you kids who think you know everything. Because, believe it or not, you've still got lots to learn. Especially when it comes to ropes and tying people up. I don't want to worry you but there will be quiz later. The bright side is this will be the most fun studying you've ever done.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Thursday, September 4th, 2014
    5:53 am
    Just Some Advice For Atlantic City
    No one, up to and including Nucky Thompson (http://www.hbo.com/boardwalk-empire/cast-and-crew/nucky-thompson#/) and his real life inspiration, Nucky Johnson (Nucky Johnson: The man who ran Atlantic City for 30 years: http://www.pressofatlanticcity.com/blogs/boardwalk_empire/article_4277415c-a815-11df-be3f-001cc4c002e0.html) loves Atlantic City more than I do. That having been said, no one has less sympathy for it for its' past and current problems (Why three Atlantic City casinos are closing: http://www.csmonitor.com/Business/Latest-News-Wires/2014/0830/Why-three-Atlantic-City-casinos-are-closing).

    When I first started visiting Atlantic City on a regular basis, circa 1985 or so, I knew the whole thing was in trouble. Unlike Las Vegas, the casinos closed every night for six hours or so. And you couldn't get a drink after three or four AM. On the plus side, it was big and glitzy and it had an ocean. And it had plenty of the biggest and best Vegas brands. Perhaps best of all, it was very close to New York and there was nothing Vegas could do, short of inventing a practical Transporter, to compete with that.

    Eventually, the people in charge fixed the closing and alcohol problem by going 24 hours with both and for the most part, AC did pretty well. Until everyone and their brother started opening casinos everywhere. And suddenly, the Boardwalk isn't enough of a draw to support gambling. Huge surprise.

    So what should the idiots who run New Jersey (Yes, Chris (http://www.state.nj.us/governor/), I mean you, specifically) do now that they should have done 30 years ago? Attract people! First of all, do the obvious. Legalize prostitution and marijuana and Gay Marriage in Atlantic City. All three would have been much more huge as well as more hugely profitable 30 years ago but better late than never.

    But don't stop there. Turn Atlantic City into the Hong Kong of America. Stop charging state taxes on liquor, tobacco and gas. Lower the drinking and gambling age to 16 (This will cost you Federal highway funds but you will make so much more money that you won't even miss it. And if you're squeamish about promoting tobacco, get over it. If you really want to save people from lung disease, forget cigarettes. They're harmless compared to the real villains, cars and factories, which is what you should ban if you really want to improve public health).

    Once you beat Delaware (Which isn't even all that cheap anymore for cigarettes) at its' own game, you'll also be beating Las Vegas by default. Everyone will profit (One thing that goes along with this plan is curbing greed. You have to guarantee that people are going to get a living wage because happy workers make for happy free spending customers so you have to tell people like Donald Trump that they can only be filthy rich instead of obscenely filthy rich) and the only real losers will be people like Nucky and Tony Soprano, because they'll have to go out and get real jobs. And forget about competition. Give gambling licenses to everyone who wants one. Las Vegas has had plenty of economic low spots over the years but have you ever heard anyone there say, "We have too many casinos?"

    No, you haven't. Because they know that more casinos mean more business for everyone and every time they have a slump, they come back bigger and better than ever. You also never hear anyone say that gas, cigarettes and booze is too cheap. And Atlantic City can capitalize on that it just applies itself. Otherwise, it can keep declining until it gets back to the state it was in when they brought in gambling and all we'll be able to say is, "It was good while it lasted but they did it to themselves and good riddance."

    I think Tony, who in addition to being the solid waste disposal king of northern New Jersey, also happens to be my Dialogue Coach, put it best when, after I showed him this piece, said, "It's too long. You don't need all them words. Just tell them to stop being a bunch of fucking spineless pussy's and give people what they want already." I wish I had his way with words but I don't so I'm just going to follow his advice and skip drawing a parallel between what's happening to Riverboat Gambling here in the Midwest to what's going on in Atlantic City and just end it here.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Wednesday, September 3rd, 2014
    5:28 am
    Phil Robertson Strikes Again
    Ed (http://wegoted.com/) showed a clip of Phil Robertson talking about ISIS (Here's the print version: 'Duck Dynasty' star Phil Robertson on ISIS: ‘Convert them or kill them’ : http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/tv/phil-robertson-islamic-state-convert-kill-article-1.1926383) today and I swear it was just like listening to Jesus Himself. You cats who were at His Sermon on the Mount concert know exactly what I mean. Those of you who didn't spend all day at the Water Into Wine Miracle Booth, anyway.

    No, wait. Maybe I'm the one who had too much wine...Or maybe it's just old age---either way, it doesn't matter because the effects are identical---cause I remember now. Phil doesn't sound a bit like Jesus. He was sort of the polar opposite of Him. What he does sound exactly like is an Islamic Fundamentalist I talked to in Damascus last week. Really, you couldn't tell them apart.

    All these guys ever think about is killing the enemy. And I know that sounds appealing to some people, such as General Anthony Zinni (Stop Being 'So Paranoid' About War!: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sbu0wWIn8Qc&list=UUldfgbzNILYZA4dmDt4Cd6A) but unless you stand to make a fortune by sending kids to their deaths and/or you don't have a real military grade bunker with real military grade provisions...As opposed to the cheap worthless junk that's advertised on Right Wing talk radio...maybe you should rethink that.

    Because odds are that you the enemy. To all the fundamentalists. Christian, Muslim, whatever, if you aren't as crazy as they are, people like Phil Robertson want you dead. Why they're fighting a Civil War, I don't know. The Muslims and Christians have the same God. Where they differ is the window dressing. Muhammad and Jesus. I guess they want to kill each other just because they feel the need to kill everyone.

    But what if they ever realize that they can kill more of us if they stop fighting among themselves? I hope we remain sane enough to limit our participation to airstrikes. And if people like Phil Robertson feel the need to convert or kill everyone in ISIS, I hope they go try. Lord knows they have enough guns. What they don't have is the will of Jesus or really even that of Muhammad on their side. But since J&M are fictional characters anyway, I don't see why that should make a difference.

    The important thing is that for the first time ever, they will really be doing something useful. Wiping each other out. So how about it, all you God and gun clingers? Load up and take the battle to ISIS! Show Obama you can't be pushed around by going and dying for what you believe in!

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Red State Update: Episode 40: This Ain't My First Racist Ro
    Tuesday, September 2nd, 2014
    8:57 am
    Final Solution Of Conservatism
    "It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you."

    ~~~ Will Rogers


    It's technically the year 2014 but you'd never know it most of the time. In fact, when you see things like this, Atheist Badgered For Not Praying At Public Meeting (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X5c9uIf6M9c) you'd swear it's still 1514. Because we still have political leaders worshiping imaginary Gods and meaningless piece of fabric. Of course, as Will said, if you're a humorist, it's a pretty good system. In some ways.

    If you want to do a piece on the mayor of Winter Garden, Florida being a backwards superstitious paranoid freak who drinks sheep's blood and dances in the moonlight so his imaginary friend who lives in the sky won't steal the sun and due to the vagaries of politics is in a position to make the rest of his tribe do the same, the bit writes itself. You can't ask for much more than that. As far as work goes.

    The problem comes when the work day is done and you find that you're still living in a country that's still largely run by people like John Rees. They are the reason with terminal diseases still have to suffer (Because they are afraid of all the drugs their corporate overlords have told them to be afraid of), workers are treated like disposable slave labor, we still have racism, the climate is going to kill all of us and a whole lot more that we don't have time to go into up to and including the American flag and the Pledge of Allegiance into jokes that no one should be asked to stand up for...In fact they should be publicly scoffed at.

    Oh, if you still believe that the Flag and Pledge stand for something good, grow up and get over it. Wake up and smell the coffee. Look around and realize what's going on. Or shut up. At the very least, for God's sake, don't vote cause you're not qualified. And you might want to move to Winter Garden, Florida because you would fit right in.

    In fact that gives me a great idea. After the glorious victory of 2012...Well, it wasn't all that glorious but we did the best we could and it could have been much worse...Dennis (http://www.dennismillerradio.com/) did a lot of very long and boring rants (To be fair to Dennis, the rants weren't nearly as painfully boring as his "comedy") about how we should just give the Right Wing just one state and wall it off so they could shoot each other even before their disastrous economic and social policies wiped them out and I've always thought it was a good idea in theory but too problematic to put in practice.

    True, they would all shoot each other in a relatively short amount of time and without those lazy losers holding us back we could finally make some progress but I don't want to give up any state or even part of a state. And when all the Conservatives were dead, the land would still be contaminated. You can't put that many undesirables all in one place and not expect something akin to nuclear waste to make the area uninhabitable for years.

    But now all that's changed. I think that I could live without Winter Garden. For forever if that's what it takes. And it would be so easy. All we would have to do is load all the Conservatives into boxcars and dump them out at the Winter Park Station. I know some of you think that all the Conservatives wouldn't fit in Winter Park but you're wrong. As Glenn has pointed out many times, the entire population of the Earth could fit in Texas many times over (And I know it's true because really smart people came up with it and Glenn just repeated it), so all the Conservatives would fit easily in Winter Park.

    All it would cost us, apart from the wall itself, is a few tons of food and a few tons of ammo. We would toss the food (Because it's cruel even to starve Conservatives and their natural violent inclination to kill people would solve the whole problem in short order.

    Think of all the benefits. Religion would no longer be an issue at all because all the religious people who would be left would have no interest in converting anyone or forcing anyone else to believe in their imaginary friend. All our economic problems would be solved because the Welfare Queens and the greedy people who support them by stealing our money would be gone. And socially, things would be a million times better. Everything from abortion to Gay Marriage would just be a right that everyone can have.

    I don't want to brag or anything but this might be the best idea anyone has ever had. I'm not knocking or even downplaying the invention of fire or the wheel, I'm only saying that shipping all the Conservatives to Winter Park makes them look like chump change. I'm also not saying that it is my idea. I'm just saying that you won't remember all the people who have been saying the same thing for decades, so why shouldn't I get sole credit for it? Besides, I don't think any of them named Winter Park as the location of the Final Solution Of Conservatism.

    And if you can think of someone else who deserves another Nobel Peace Prize more than me, I'd sure like to hear who it is.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
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