Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Greg's Blurty:

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Friday, May 18th, 2012
8:25 am	It's Friday, You Bastards Mary Richardson Kennedy (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/47474190/ns/us_news-the_new_york_times/#.T7ZMsVKrHxE) is the latest celebrity to solve the problem of what to do if Mitt wins. Some people say she may have jumped the gun a bit because Barack is looking good in so many areas and it would take an act of God for Mitt to win, which is exactly what his supporters are counting on but I'm not so sure. Because life consists of more than politics alone and even if it didn't, Barack winning in November isn't going to get rid of all our political problems. He's merely the lesser of two evils and we're still going to be saddled with an oppressive police state along with a lot of other things we don't want or need. But not as many kids and old people will be starving to death and/or killed by the conservative death panels we call insurance companies and more people will have jobs. Besides all that, Mary had problems that even Barry couldn't fix, even if he managed to figure out how to neutralize the freaky religious cult members---beyond not letting them set civil rights for blacks, gays, kids and women back to where they were in the 1650's---that really want to run this country. So she fixed them herself. With a rope. And the only thing she has to worry about now is that there is an Afterlife and it's worse than what we have here. Which doesn't seem likely and either way, she won't be missing anything here. And she won't have to worry about seeing Ted Nugent for quite a while. Because he promised to be dead or in jail by April 14, 2013 if Barack wins but he's a conservative Republican and when was the last time one of them kept a promise? And now, just when you were worried that we were out of material for today's Suicide Update, we have this, a local couple from Davenport who solved all their problems the other day: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2145527/We-just-feel-fortunate-able-bring-Leah-home-celebrate-life-Mother-buries-daughter-SEPARATE-funeral-husband-young-married-couple-committed-suicide-small-town-cemetery.html. I especially like the way the Mail used a picture of Davenport from the 2001 flood (It's all the way at the bottom and if seeing it makes you want to visit the Quad Cities, make sure you tell the clowns at http://www.visitquadcities.com/ that I sent you so they can give me my commission). OK, I know that some of you Noisy Negativists out there are saying that's enough suicide talk for any day but it's way too much for a Friday and I don't care a bit. Because, as the old saying goes, critics are like noses, everyone has one and they all smell. The problem is the Noisy Negativists right here in my office. My agent, Drusilla, my Editor-In-Chief, Style Manual along with dozens of assorted other staff members, fans, groupies, wannabes and hangers-on are all saying the same thing. Loudly. And they are, due to proximity, much harder to ignore. So I think it would be prudent at this juncture to pretend they don't even exist by doing what they want and just starting this party already. And what better way to do that than by introducing this, the Theme Drink that Fifi, my Sommelier, has invented for tonight: --------------------------------------------- Suicide Appeal Ingredients: 1/2 oz White rum 1/2 oz Coconut rum 1/2 oz Melon liqueur 1/2 oz Peach schnapps 1/2 oz Blue Curacao Fill With Sour mix Add Splash Lemonade Garnish Lemon Mixing instructions: Mix two rums, melon, peach and blue curacao in a mixing tin with the sour mix. Pour into a Collins glass with ice and add a dash of lemonade. Garnish with lemon squeeze. --------------------------------------------- There, I hope that's enough rum to quiet down the nags. And convince them to squeeze more than lemons. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Morning Report With Mark & Steve, WOC AM 1420 (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 13th, 2012
2:48 am	One Solution There is no such thing, at this date of the world's history, in America, as an independent press. You know it and I know it. There is not one of you who dares to write your honest opinions, and if you did, you know beforehand that it would never appear in print. I am paid weekly for keeping my honest opinion out of the paper I am connected with. Others of you are paid similar salaries for similar things, and any of you who would be so foolish as to write honest opinions would be out on the streets looking for another job. If I allowed my honest opinions to appear in one issue of my paper, before twenty-four hours my occupation would be gone. The business of the journalists is to destroy the truth, to lie outright, to pervert, to vilify, to fawn at the feet of mammon, and to sell his country and his race for his daily bread. You know it and I know it, and what folly is this toasting an independent press We are the tools and vassals of rich men behind the scenes. We are the jumping jacks, they pull the strings and we dance. Our talents, our possibilities and our lives are all the property of other men. We are intellectual prostitutes. ~~~~~~John Swinton, 1880 If your thinking that this morning's Coast (http://www.coasttocoastam.com/show/2012/05/12) was another practical joke, you're partly right. The quote at the top of this page that John B. Wells used is as true now as it was in 1880 and lots of things that Steve Quayle and Stan Deyo talked about are real and happening. But the part about one of them personally speaking to Jesus and finding out absolutely everything we need to know from Him, except of course for the stuff that would actually be helpful, well that was pure BS. There is no God and no Jesus and all religions are nothing but man-made fairy-tales and even if it turns out there really is a Jesus, He isn't talking to anyone here. Especially Steve Quayle. No God would ever say, "If I told you the truth, you wouldn't believe me," as Stan claims He did. And no God would allow the world to get into the shape this one is in, in the first place. And then there's the way Steve ended the interview by saying something to the effect of, "If you really believe in abortion, think about this: what if your mother had had an abortion!" Wow. That's a scary thought, isn't it? Of never having had to go through all this because someone was smart enough to do the right thing and have an abortion. Again, I say to all you pro-life, anti-abortion freakish religious cult nuts: Wake up and smell the coffee. Life is not good. It never has been and never will be. And then we take the parts that could be tolerable and make them intolerable. And if you're still delusional on this issue, consider that before he made that statement, Steve spent the previous three hours going on and on about how bad life is, how it's getting worse and there's nothing we can do about it. Then he said to keep breeding like rabbits because life is so great. Keep creating new people to enjoy this misery. When will religious belief be classified as a mental illness? And this was at least the second time he has said that very same thing on Coast. What's more amazing is that it still is not the dumbest thing I've ever heard on that show. That honor still belongs to the idiotic caller who was ragging on someone for being heavily into some hobby by saying, "Don't you think that it's robbing you of real life experiences?" Ugh. And I'll bet that caller was one of the millions of Americans who are addicted to anti-depressants, which are completely ineffective for everything but producing homicidal and suicidal thoughts, because "real life experiences" are so wonderful that he can't face them without a drug. Anyway, that was the stupid and ridiculous part of this morning's Coast To Coast AM but the rest of it was pretty solid. And it can be summed up thusly: If you find yourself pregnant, do the right thing: GET AN ABORTION. And it would be nice if everyone would do the right thing but most won't. And that's why I'm still tilting at windmills, trying to make this quagmire of insanity we call life a little more tolerable by solving some of our bigger problems. And the problem I have conquered today is bullying. Bullying isn't the suicide causing monster that lazy people would have you believe it is but it is an annoying thorn in the side of life and now that someone who is running for President Of The United States is a certified bully, it is time to stamp it out. And it can be done with what I have dubbed The Rosey Cloaking Device. It's named after Rosey Grier, who if you remember, was a defensive tackle for the New York Giants and Los Angeles Rams and for some reason was never taunted or bullied even though he enjoyed macrame and needlepoint. And he never hid it. In 1973 he even wrote a book called Rosey Grier's Needlepoint for Men. And why wasn't Rosey ever bullied? Because he looked like Rosey Grier. And it would take someone even dumber than Mitt Romney to even call him names, let alone try to tackle him and cut his hair. So what we need to do is recruit a bunch of guys that are Rosey's size and cloak them so they look like the kid that got his hair cut by Mitt and his gang. And within a short amount of time bullying will be eradicated because the surviving bully's will keep their thoughts and actions to themselves. And the only thing stopping us from building this machine are a few engineering problems but the guys in the lab assure me they will be worked out soon. So, now that I've done all I can do, I'm going to take the rest of this Sunday off. Just like God did. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---John B. Wells, WOC AM 1420 (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 12th, 2012
7:43 am	Score Another One For Tennessee On Thursday, State Rep. Jon Lundberg told NBC station WCYB-TV that a focus on abstinence is needed because Tennessee has the seventh-highest teen birth rate in the nation and the 11th-highest HIV infection rate in the nation. "The shift is that the main core needs to be an abstinence-based approach. Not, 'hey, I know everybody's having sex, so when you have sex do this, do this, [and] do this.’ That's not it,'" Lundberg told the station. http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/05/12/11668279-new-tennessee-law-aims-to-curb-teaching-gateway-sexual-activity?lite ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It's really too embarrassingly easy when the jokes write themselves around a statement like that, so, at the considerable risk of shocking my conservative fans into having fatal coronaries (Gee, I hope that doesn't happen) because when has that ever stopped me before, I'm not going to say anything. Nothing funny at all. I'm not even going to quote what Stephen Colbert said about the whole thing. You know, the Groin Central Station remark. Nor am I going to point out that AIDS and teen pregnancy rates are going to skyrocket to all new never before dreamed of highs in the Volunteer State because of this inanity. And, again because it would just be too easy, I'm not to going to point out the similarities between this and The State of Tennessee v. John Thomas Scopes, which you might know as The Scopes Monkey Trial and how impressively Tennessee has evolved since 1925. I'm not even going to remind you that right before he picked up his pen to sign the Gateway Sexual Activities bill into law, Governor Bill Haslam said, "Hold my beer and watch this y'all!" What I am going to do, because it infuriates both liberals and conservatives but mostly conservatives, is remind you how this is going to increase the youth suicide rate in Tennessee, and what a good thing that is because the state is in a slump. In Tennessee in 2009, the number of suicide deaths for people ages 10-19 was 44. In 2010, the number was 38 (Thanks to that uppity Negro who keeps trying to make life better and more worth living for everyone). And obviously, the Party Of Death, AKA The GOP, sees this as a problem and by their imaginary friend who lives in the sky and grants wishes they are going to remedy it. By doing things like passing the Gateway Sexual Activities bill. And I think it's going to work. I don't have the current numbers because suicide data is hard to find but I am confident this years total for the 10-19 age group is going to reach at least 50. And who will be laughing at the Republicans then, huh? That'll show the Democrats and all those annoying kids who's boss. And the ones who don't give up and kill themselves will either get AIDS or at the very least have their lives ruined by an unwanted pregnancy and no chance of getting an abortion. Say what you will about the Republicans but you have to give them credit for curing the overpopulation problem by being God's Vengeance Merchant On Earth and making life so miserable for so many for absolutely no reason that no one wants to live here while at the same time being vehemently against birth control. That's a trick that David Copperfield couldn't pull off. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Bill Ward, WPLO Atlanta, December 1963 (RESTORED) (Comment on this)
Friday, May 11th, 2012
6:31 am	It's Friday, You Bastards I've got great news for all you bully's out there. I had breakfast with Mitt this morning and he patiently explained to me...He had to be patient because I spent too much time at Harvard, unlike him, and then he complained about the donuts that came from 7-Eleven but that's another story for another day...that yes, bullying is bad and you shouldn't do it but if you do, don't worry about it because all you have to do is pick your victim up, turn him over, shake vigorously and voilà! The entire incident is erased. Just like it never happened. It works for animal abuse and campaign promises, too. So all you bully's can dig out your hate crimes bucket list and go nuts. You have the full permission and backing of the next President Of The United States Of America. At least that's what Mitt said. I said that Barack might win and that just opened up a big can of worms because then Mitt said that if Barack wins, he'll be dead or in jail at this time next year and then a few minutes later, he got a message from Ted Nugent's attorneys informing him that he's being sued for intellectual property theft. Of course I can't say anymore about it because it is ongoing litigation but what I've said so far is enough. It's the funniest thing on so many levels that you will ever hear. Unless you count this: http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/05/11/11658434-kentucky-students-accused-of-taking-video-up-teachers-dress?lite. That might not mean much to you if you don't live in the Quad Cities (http://www.visitquadcities.com/) because about once a month or so like clockwork we have a teacher getting caught having sex with a student. And it's nice to see that some students in Kentucky are turning the tables and getting even. And posting the results on YouTube for all of us to enjoy. Kids, this is a fad you should fully throw yourselves into. Just try to not get caught. But if you do get caught, turn the cell phone over and shake it. Before the cops slap the cuffs on. Because until you get some more directing experience you shouldn't try to mix Voyeurism with S&M. Stick to one genre until you really know what you're doing. And ignore the critics. They don't know anything, except when the reviews are good and even then you have to be careful to not get too caught up in your own press. In short, the film business is a grueling, soul crushing and ultimately meaningless way to make a living. But God has compensated for that by providing the casting couch and booze. Speaking of the latter, this is Friday night and that means that Fifi, my Sommelier, has been slaving over a hot bar all day coming up with this, tonight's Theme Drink: --------------------------------------- Voyeur Juice Ingredients: 1 oz Orange rum (Cruzan) 1 oz Banana rum (Cruzan) 1 oz Coconut rum (Cruzan) 1 oz Pineapple rum (Cruzan) 1 1/2 oz Cranberry juice 1 1/2 oz Orange juice 1 1/2 oz Pineapple juice 1/2 oz Dark rum (Cruzan) Mixing instructions: Pour over ice in a hurricane class. Float dark rum on top and serve. --------------------------------------- Before we go any further, the head of my in-house legal team, Grace Van Owen, has asked me to remind you, especially those of you who work for the FTC, that I am not getting any sort of kickback from the cheapskates at Cruzan. She didn't say what kind of kickback Fifi is getting and what her cut of it is. Why is it that all these stupid ethics and morals laws we have here only affect me? OK, now we can go further. Right when there's nothing left to talk about. I can't win. I might as well just go make another movie. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Morning Report With Mark & Steve, WOC AM 1420 (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 10th, 2012
8:44 am	We Are All Cremated Equal Today's title comes from Jane Ace. If you've never heard of Jane, don't sweat it because she never heard of you, either and if she had, she probably wouldn't have listened to you any more than you do to her. And thus, we have even more, as if we needed it, proof that we are all cremated equal. No matter how, why or when we die. Even if you choose some alternative to cremation, you will end up cremated someday. The sun will one day explode and incinerate everything on Earth, including you, and being frozen or mummified or whatever else isn't going to prevent it. It's one of those things that should be added to the list of certainties that usually only includes death and taxes. And it will be completely equal. Everyone from the richest kings to the poorest of the homeless will be treated exactly the same. We will have finally achieved total absolute equality for everyone. Just when we need it least. Unlike now, or any other point in the past or future when we could really use it. Not that some people aren't trying. President Obama, for example, just announced (Finally) that he supports gay marriage. Right after North Carolina became the latest state to ban gay marriage (Which was already banned there. Just how insecure are these people?) and as always, it just seems like one step forward and two steps back and too little too late. But it's not just about gay marriage...Oh, on that topic, I've said this before but given what just happened in NC, I feel the need to say it again. My marriage lasted 8 years, which is a pretty long time for a heterosexual marriage and I keep seeing on TV all these gay couples who have been happily together for more than 20 years, so if all you holier than thou wanting to protect the sanctity of marriage and not daring to offend God types out there are really serious about it, you should start banning people like me from getting married and just leave the gays alone...and abortion and healthcare. It's also the economy, stupid. And what it's doing to people. Here is an entire article about how it's increasing the suicide rate in Italy (http://worldblog.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/05/09/11621840-in-debt-or-jobless-many-italians-choose-suicide?lite). The funny part of it is that it doesn't mention all the other countries, especially the US, where it's also happening. The funnier part of it is that it doesn't mention how all the God fearing, life is scared, conservatives are the problem. Mass murdering suicide encouraging idiots like George Bush and Mitt Romney would never have any power if even bigger idiots would stop voting for them. I've said this before, too, but given all the current events and all the events that preceded them, it bears repeating: Conservatives are too stupid to vote and they are costing us too much. The solution to most of our problems seems so simple, obvious and doable on a time frame that's likely to encompass most of our lives . So why are we waiting for for the final cremation to finally be equal? And maybe even happy. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Morning Report With Mark & Steve, WOC AM 1420 (Comment on this)
Monday, May 7th, 2012
1:54 am	Good News From Europe My enemy is not another candidate, it is not a person, it has no face, it is the world of finance. ----Francois Hollande I'm still nervous, mostly due to the poll that says that a tiny majority of Americans think Mitt Romney would be better than Barack Obama for the economy, about the US election but I feel a little better about it this morning because France has said Non! to the conservatives and Greece has, for the most part, said όχι to them. The whole desperate blame the victim and protect the guilty worldwide---If you go to France and listen to Nicolas Sarkozy, you will hear him saying the same things Mitt is saying here and so on with all the right-wing nuts everywhere in the world---cry of the right: This is all your fault! is failing. On a grand scale. True, America still could do something fantastically stupid and dangerous. All you have to do is look as far as Cuba where everyone but the people actually responsible for 911 (George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld, et al) are on trial to see that. But things are looking up. Because, unlike with 911, we actually have a shot at seeing the people who caused the current depression being held accountable for it. Save for the overlapping aforementioned untouchable criminals but it's the closest we are going to ever get to justice being fully served and we'll take it. I hope. We might also get the long awaited abolishment of the Federal Reserve and the IRS. If Barack picks this ball up and really runs with it, the upside potential seems unlimited but even if he only continues making the same tiny strides he has thus far, we will still be much better off. All that has to happen now is for America to say Oui! to common sense. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---George Noory, WOC AM 1420 (Comment on this)
Friday, May 4th, 2012
9:17 am	It's Cinco De Mayo Eve, You Bastards Before we get too heavily into the whole massive let it all hang out party like there's no tomorrow celebratory blowout that is Cinco De Mayo, I want to take a look at the latest celebrity suicide, which I will be doing promptly yesterday. Or maybe first thing the day before yesterday. Or possibly on some yet to named point in the future or past. The point is, it will be finished ahead of schedule, under budget and the ratings will kill. That's why Hollywood is always calling me every-time they need anything done but you didn't come here to hear about all the desperate verging on stalking begging I get from Tinseltown. You came here to party like it's May 5, 1862 and General Ignacio Zaragoza Seguín himself is behind the bar serving up the Tequilia Grande's (The drink, not the great restaurant in Vienna...Virginia, not Austria). And that's what we're going to do. Right now, this very minute. Right after I tell you how much my day sucked. So put the El Dia De La Batalla De Puebla on hold for just another minute and worry about something that really matters: me. I got to the office this morning to find a memo from The Chief on my desk containing a bunch of gibberish about how hookers, booze and even non-hooker strangers are no longer allowed in our hotel rooms during missions. Then, while I was complaining about how drug addiction is ruining this country and threatening our very way of life...I don't know if I've ever told you about The Chief before so, briefly: He's a basically nice, decent guy but he has a dark sinister side. He's a Tagamet junkie and he blames all his problems on sober innocent people like me...Minx, my secretary, made things worse, just like she always does, by saying, "It's nothing new. I've been trying to tell you about it for over two weeks now. Look at the date." So I humored her and then checked my calendar and said, "He issued this on April 14. That explains everything. The fourteenth was a Saturday. I don't work weekends and whatever happens on them don't affect me." "Uh huh," she said, while handing me another memo from The Chief. This one was dated today and contained instructions to go to Bogotá and topple the government or prevent the government from being toppled or ruin the local economy or prevent the economy from being ruined or something like that, anyway, it was a pretty standard assignment but then there was the second page. Handwritten on White House stationary and it was the usual "Keep up the good work," pep talk but then there was this: MOST OF ALL, NO HOOKERS AND NO BOOZE. I SWEAR, IF YOU EMBARRASS ME, I'LL PERSONALLY ESCORT YOU TO YOUR NEXT ASSIGNMENT: THULE. AND YOU BETTER REMEMBER YOUR SNOW SHOVEL BECAUSE YOU'LL BE THERE FOR A VERY LONG TIME. LIKE FOREVER! PS I AM NOT KIDDING! I could tell that misguided and needlessly paranoid as he was that he was also serious because he never uses all caps unless he means it. Except when he accidentally pushes the Caps Lock key---which hardly ever happens when he's handwriting a memo. So, just in case, on the off chance that he was serious and this wasn't some sort of twisted and very late April Fool's Day prank, I went to Bogotá and toppled or prevented toppling the government or ruined the economy or saved the economy or whatever it was that I was supposed to do and I did it all with the help of hardly any boozed up hookers. Was that any way to start Cinco De Mayo Eve? No, no and no. And I'll tell you something else, if I wasn't allergic to frostbite, I would have called his bluff. And have you ever tried toppling any Latin American government without first inviting every single hooker in the entire country to your room for drinks and what we like to call enhanced interrogation? Trust me, it ain't easy. But what's done is done, the spilled milk has flowed under the bridge and tomorrow is another day. A Saturday, to be exact, and that is a good thing because I know you're planning on drinking yourself into a coma tonight and awaking with the biggest headache of your life and the last thing you need is for some idiot on a power trip just because he's the boss telling you what to do all day. So let's get this thing started by seeing what Fifi, my Sommelier, has cooked up for tonight's Theme Drink: ------------------------ Cinco De Paloma Ingredients: 2 oz blanco or reposado tequila 6 oz fresh grapefruit soda 1/2 oz lime juice salt for rimming (optional) Preparation: Rim a collins glass with salt. Fill the glass with ice and add the tequila and lime juice. Top it off with grapefruit soda. ------------------------ That was pretty decent of her, wasn't it? Considering the French lost that battle and everything. And speaking of optional rimming, it's a good thing we have lots of Elotes Tatemados, Nopales and Tinga Poblana De Pollo and, because we think of everything here, we also have tons of food. Because after all that rimming, optional and otherwise, and given what kind of day it's already been, you're likely to be hungry later. ¡Salud! And hope that Monday will signal a return to normalcy. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Morning Report With Mark & Steve, WOC AM 1420 (Comment on this)
Monday, April 30th, 2012
7:41 am	Two Great Trends If you're one of the people who keeps telling me that there is a God, get up right now and scream, "Hallelujah, Jesus is alive!" because your imaginary nonexistent friend who lives in the sky and grants wishes has made you look a little less delusional today. By making some guy in Santa Fe shoot an unmanned speed-enforcement vehicle (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qDl2imgP7qo&feature=g-all-u). Isn't that the greatest thing ever? Or at least the greatest thing you're going to see today? You'd think so and if this sort of thing continues and grows into a huge international trend, I am going to personally call the judge and tell him that maybe you don't have to be committed after-all but no, it's not the best thing you're going to see today. The best thing you're going to see today you actually should have seen last night on The Big C (Season 3 Episode 4: Family Matters http://www.sho.com/sho/the-big-c/season/3/episode/4#/index) but if we started counting tardies against you, you'd be right back in that tiny rubber room faster than you can say, "But I'm not crazy!" and that would just frustrate God, so we'll pretend you're not late and talk about it as if you were responsible enough to ever do anything on time. The best thing you're going to see today is the moment when Adam's girlfriend, after nearly killing him by proving that there is a God, really proved that there might in fact be a God by saying, “I just mean we can’t use the front door, but you can go in the other way.” You'll remember that House Of Lies did the same thing when the gang went to Utah and Clyde nearly scored with a girl named Rebecca in the same way for the same reasons and he would have had he not chickened out. And Bill Maher, on his show, before either of those episodes aired, did a bit on the same theme that neatly illustrated just how well abstinence programs work. And I just want to go on record that I support and encourage this fad, both in fiction and real life and I even think it's OK to say, out-loud, "Thank you, Jesus!" when it does happen. Even though there is no Jesus to thank, this is just one of those times when we shouldn't be splitting hairs like that. So this is another trend that should grow and never die out and not just because I like it. It could also end the "I Had An Abortion," t-shirt controversy (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mf74l9Oc38g&feature=g-all-lik). Personally, I don't see anything wrong the shirts but I can also see John's point, when he says, "Just take the shirts off." And the only thing I would add is, "Take them off slowly and then put on your 'I Didn't Have An Abortion Because I Always Practice Safe Anal Intercourse.' But don't be in too big a rush to get the new shirt on because some people might find it offensive. So just ease them into it and everything will be fine." Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Morning Report With Mark & Steve, WOC AM 1420 (Comment on this)
Friday, April 27th, 2012
6:54 am	It's Friday, You Bastards I'm not a bit surprised to see that Facebook is the most hated company in America (http://247wallst.com/2012/01/13/the-10-most-hated-companies-in-america/2/). It is the clunkiest, slowest, most aggravating and useless "service" ever invented. Then there is the complete disregard for privacy that makes Craig's List look like the safest place on the Internet...While still somehow protecting sensitive conservatives from nudity....but the really big issue is how they continually decide what the top stories are and when you tell them to forget that and just give them to you the most recent ones first, they somehow lose the recent ones and give you the ones that are 23 hours old first and when that defective system does manage to work right, it automatically switches back to Top Stories every-time you log in. Yeah, Mark should be really proud that Facebook...Or as more and more people are calling it, MySpace Part II...beat out the big heavyweights like Best Buy, Goldman Sachs, Bank Of America, Nokia, Sears and American Airlines for the number one spot. When it comes to inciting hatred among their customers and shareholders, those guys don't mess around. It's why I wish Rush Limbaugh would hire Mark as a consultant. Because he really let everyone down by coming in at #5 on the list of America’s Nine Most Damaged Brands (http://247wallst.com/2012/04/13/americas-nine-most-damaged-brands/3/). Not that you can accuse him of not trying. I mean, come on, just how many college kids do you have to call a slut and whore to make it to #1? Keith Olbermann beat him for God's sake! And Keith doesn't even try to be obnoxious. So there must be some hidden tricky intricate political element involved that poor old Rush just can't master. That's why he needs help and if Mark were only an elderly self-loathing gay junkie it would be a 100% perfect match but you can't have everything. What you can have is a drink because it's Friday night and while all the booze in the world won't make you forget how miserably Rush fails in his strongest suite, failure, it might take the edge off. Or at least make some of the girls here start exposing themselves. Most of them take birth control pills and you know what they say about girls like that. So let's see what Fifi, my Sommelier, has cooked up for tonight's Theme Drink: ----------------------------------------- Flaming Facebook Ingredients: 1/2 oz Amaretto 1/2 oz Bacardi 151 proof rum 6 oz Lager Mixing instructions: Put Amaretto in bottom of shot glass, top with Rum. Pour Beer into glass. Light shot, pick up shot by the sides and drop entire shot glass (bottom first) into beer. When bottom of shot glass hits bottom of beer glass chug (the beer will put out the flame). ----------------------------------------- Don't have too many of them, though, because you don't want to end up like the Dutch government (http://worldnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/04/27/11433097-up-in-smoke-netherlands-aims-to-ban-foreigners-from-buying-pot?lite), which is so stoned that it thinks it's a good idea to kill it's tourism business. During a recession. You know, if Rush can't get what he needs from Mark, he can just move to The Hague. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Morning Report With Mark & Steve, WOC AM 1420 (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 26th, 2012
7:41 am	There Is An Important Difference Not all that long ago, in these very pages, I pointed out how Damon Vickers contradicted himself in his April 11 appearance on Coast by saying that the future is both important and unimportant and now the time has come to highlight another contradiction he made on the same show. In this one, he said that it doesn't matter who you vote for in November because both parties are the same and have the same goals...Which is entirely true up to a point and no one is more fed up with the Democrats than I am (The economy, along with a lot of other things need a lot more improving and Barry's drug policy needs massive improvement starting with a major "The war on drugs is over" announcement) but the even bigger point was perhaps best illustrated by Damon when he contradicted himself by saying that if Barrack is reelected there will likely many more companies involved in stem cell research than if Mr. Etch A Sketch is elected. Then again, maybe Mitt might surprise everyone by deciding that stem cell research is important after-all but that's a huge long-shot and it would be much safer to elect someone who doesn't change his mind more often than Newt changes sex partners and the real point is that the Coke/Pepsi argument, valid as it is, still contains one little element that too many people too often forget: Coke and Pepsi are similar but MOST PEOPLE CAN TELL THE DIFFERENCE! And small as that difference is, we desperately need it. What we don't need is the full scale federalization of the Republican wars on women, the environment, the poor and everyone and everything else that isn't rich, white and over 50. In short, under Republican leadership, if you're Rush Limbaugh, you can be as gay, drug addicted and obnoxious as you want with no repercussions but for everyone else, those same things will be criminal activities. Along with just about everything else anyone would want to do. And the reason I'm so concerned about this right now is the poll that came out that says more Americans think that Mr. Flip Flop would be better for the economy. I know it sounds ridiculous and it's even more ridiculous to think that anyone but confused senior citizens would ever vote for him but the historical reality is grim: George Bush won. TWICE! By cheating...And to be fair, election rigging is a small insignificant crime compared to engineering the 911 attacks, killing thousands of soldiers and civilians by starting two illegal wars and breaking US and international law by torturing people but the point is that it could happen again if too many people make the race too close by voting for Mitt. And that's why I hope that everyone remembers that no matter how much the parties look and act the same in so many areas, there is a difference and we can't afford having another George Bush in the White House. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Morning Report With Mark & Steve, WOC AM 1420 (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 24th, 2012
5:53 am	Oh My God! They Didn't Kill Kenny, You Bastards! I'm quite aware, thanks to the well intentioned and not at all irritating constant griping of my agent, Drusilla and Editor-In-Chief, Style Manual, of the fact that I may or may not be one or two episodes behind in my weekly reviews of Californication, Shameless and American Pickers and I might even be one episode behind in Boardwalk Empire and the whole thing is further complicated by Nurse Jackie and The Big C starting their new seasons, neither one of which have I gotten to yet along with my desire to start doing Girls and Veep and well, the details are unimportant, just suffice it to say that Dru and Style are wrong (And do they ever give me any credit for never being even one second late with Today's Random Coast Notes? NO!) and even if they were to be right for the first time ever, it wouldn't matter because I'm not making matters even worse by starting a weekly review of Eastbound and Down (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eastbound_%26_Down). In the first place, how could I? Even if I wanted to? The series is over. They just aired the series finale. And all I want to say is that they didn't kill Kenny. Even though they pretended to and then didn't offer any explanation as to how Kenny faked that wreck and then managed to convince the coroner that his body was in the car...even after all that fire, wouldn't there be some human remains? The only other only thing I want to say about it is that I think the whole episode was a tribute to Mr. Etch A Sketch, Mitt Romney. Because it sure seems like they filmed the crash, intending it to be the last scene of the series and then reconsidered, did a little rearranging and tacked on the whole, "We were just kidding, he's really alive!" ending and it's just the sort of thing Mitt does every single day. Yeah, I know, all politicians, even the good ones, lie and break promises...Except for Jimmy Carter, who not only was a great President but was one of the very few honest ones and even he broke one promise, the one where he promised to disclose everything he learned about how much the government knows about UFO's and he paid a huge price for his nearly perfect honesty...but Mitt has taken it to a new level. A new level so high and far beyond where any dishonest politician has gone before that he's even bragging about it. He's not Mitt Romney anymore, he's Etch A Sketch Man, Americas newest superhero. And his super power is to openly admit that absolutely everything he says is a lie and still maintain the full support of way too many idiots. One poll (One of the very few that he's winning) is even showing that more Americans think he's better capable of fixing the economy than President Obama. By killing the poor by increasing the more deadly variety's of poverty and probing their vaginas on the side for fun. The funny part is that we all agree that we do have a menacing surplus of under-employed slave labor that needs to be trimmed and probing vaginas is a great way to kill time. The difference between us (The Democrats and Republicans) is that they, the Republicans, want to solve the problem by exterminating the poor (While pretending that unemployment combined with not having healthcare is the fault of the unemployed and uninsured) and making sure that no vagina goes unprobed thanks to government mandates (While loudly complaining about how the Liberals want to micromanage your life) while we, the Democrats, think that poverty should be cured by making sure that everyone who wants to work can and that vaginas should only be voluntarily probed the old fashioned way, following dinner and a movie and if necessary, for those stubborn cases, flowers, dancing and a weekend in Cancun. With birth control. Even though the pill kills women and babies, harms the environment, makes gas prices go up and causes curvature of the spine, and, worse of all, frightens the job creators (Who are doing a bang-up job with the job creating, aren't they?) as our Republican friends tell us it does...And why would they lie about something like that?...because we're willing to risk it. I'm waiting for Mitt to say that he hates birth control because it reduces the number of poor people he can kill, 50% or so of whom have vaginas that he wants to probe before they die. And then for him to say, a few hours later, in front of a different audience, "I love poor people! I want to save them by making them rich." And then for his handlers to say, "It was just another Etch A Sketch moment." Don't worry. Just trust us to tell you what you want to hear and then do whatever we want. That's the Republican message. And just like the producers of Eastbound And Down (Did you find it difficult to watch it without constantly thinking about Jerry Reed and wondering how they could have made Eastbound And Down---http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHZJej98_T0---, the theme? I did) they will do whatever it takes, up to and including staging a fatal car wreck, only to have Kenny show up a few hours later unharmed. I just hope that very few Americans fall for it beyond the crazy religious cult members and Ted Nugent fans that they already have and that the rest of us realize that we have a long way to go and a short time to get there and the only way to get the beer to the thirsty boys in Atlanta is to vote for Barrack. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Morning Report With Mark & Steve, WOC AM 1420 (Comment on this)
Friday, April 20th, 2012
8:06 am	It's Friday, You Bastards Warren Buffett has cancer and Dick Clark and Jonathan Frid are dead but Ted Nugent is still a jerk---A completely typical all talk and no action conservative, as verified by his friends in the SS---and that's good. Because when people like perpetual teenagers and immortal vampires who you figured would never die are dying left and right and someone who should be able to afford immortality is threatening to die, it's comforting to know that some things never change. And since you brought up the all talk and no action conservatives who own lots of guns but are so afraid of their own shadows they won't shoot anything except for defenseless animals and unarmed kids who are guilty of being Black, I think this is a good time to point out that they are not harmless. Despite their cowardice. This is the very same group (Yes, including Tipper Gore) that pitched a major fit in 1992 over Cop Killer. Which was every bit as harmless as Ted Nugent's remarks, so where is the conservative outrage this time? Why aren't the street criminal monsters who stole your job and house and are desperately trying to steal your healthcare upset with Ted? Someone must have turned over the Etch A Sketch and given it a good shake. My guess is that it was Tipper because she's mostly just an honorary conservative and no actual full-time Republicans are smart enough to figure out how to work something as technologically advanced as an Etch A Sketch. Not that I'm calling Republicans dumb or anything, because I'm not. I don't need the Masturbatory Master or Master Of The Metaphor or whatever title Ted gave himself calling me an idiot and a subhuman punk (Does he have an ATF permit for that razor sharp wit?). I'm just saying they turn to people like Ted Nugent for good solid political commentary. In much the same way that we turn to Fifi, my Sommelier, at this time every week. The difference being that Fifi is really good at her job. Sort of. I hired her to bring me beer whenever I want it, which she does. Sometimes. When she's in the mood. Most of the time, though, she spends a lot of time in the wine cellar and behind the bar creating drinks like this one, tonight's Theme Drink: ---------------------------------- American Bandstand Beauty Ingredients: 1 oz Brandy 1/2 oz Dry Vermouth 1/4 tsp White Creme de Menthe 1 oz Orange juice 1 tsp Grenadine 1/2 oz Tawny port Mixing instructions: In a shaker half-filled with ice cubes, combine the brandy, vermouth, creme de menthe, orange juice, and grenadine. Shake well. Strain into a cocktail glass. Pouring slowly and carefully, float the port on top. ---------------------------------- OK, now that all that's out of the way, you have a chance to be useful for once by putting all your mad seer skillz to work and tell me that I should panic and sell all my Berkshire Hathaway shares or that I should just relax because Warren is going to live forever. Without losing any of his mad money making skillz. And I'm not asking just for me. In fact, I don't stand to gain anything at all from this, aside from a few more dozen or so million's of dollars that don't ever do anything but bring heartache and woe anyway. No, this is for you. This is your golden opportunity to show all those people---Your family, friends, coworkers, etc etc etc---who say you're completely worthless just how wrong they are. Why do I always make so many grand sacrifices for you? No, don't answer, just take advantage of it by telling me what I need to know. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Morning Report With Mark & Steve, WOC AM 1420 (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 18th, 2012
8:14 am	Talk About Sounding Like A Stoned Hippie If you want more of those kinds of evil anti-American people in the Supreme Court, then don't get involved and let Obama take office again. Because I'll tell you this right now: If Barack Obama becomes the president in November again, I will either be dead or in jail by this time next year. ---Ted Nugent, Saturday. April 14, 2012 Ted, Ted, Ted. Talk about sounding like a stoned hippie. You'd think that someone who has spent so much time and effort over the years maligning, slandering and libeling Jimi Hendrix for being a junkie would at least make an effort to sound sober. Oh, I know that's a professional jealousy thing because Jimi did a billion times more in 27 mostly drugged out of his mind years than you could do in 270 but that's kind of getting off topic isn't it? Because we came here today to talk about politics, not music. Even though they are very similar. Because both Jimi and that other uppity Negro you also can't stand because he's more popular than you'll ever be have the nerve to be Black. So, see? I feel your bitterness. Jimi gave you everything you have today...Which isn't bad, you're rich and beloved by legions of 13 year old's who wish they could play Wango Tango the way you do and relax, I'm not saying it's 100% because of Jimi, he wouldn't have picked you if you didn't have some talent, the thing is that without the break he gave you, you never would have amounted to anything. Because you have no other talent. No one is ever going to give you an award for writing. Playing yes, writing no. For lyrics or prose. So Jimi only gets 99.9% of the credit. Including for this latest piece de la resistance, icing on top of the top of the cake idolatry you have of packs of elderly brain-dead paranoid conservative Republicans because he gave you the fame you needed to make it happen. And then you picked up the ball and ran with it yourself. Congratulations! You have finally cracked the post 13 fan base! And all you had to do was threaten the President Of The United States. And I really hope the Secret Service isn't spending much time and money investigating you. One thing that we should have learned by now is that conservatives, especially the crazier ones such as yourself, are all talk and no action and on the rare occasions when they do act it is to do the polar opposite of everything they said they would do (I do, however, hope they take away all your guns because that would just be cool). You know, like the tax and spend, small business crushing, economy ruining policy's of Ronald Reagan and George Bush. Oh, wait a second. I don't want a bunch of Republican's to get mad at me so let me just say this about that, Ronnie wasn't to blame for what he did because he was a senile old man who could barely remember his own name. Seriously, if you had attended just one NSA meeting with him, you wouldn't have trusted him to feed your goldfish while you were in Vegas for three days but where were we? Oh yeah, the evil anti-American racist none too bright people who are led around by the nose by washed up pop stars because they admire their gun collections and their equally mysterious and incredible talent of sounding stoned to the bone while being completely sober. And their poster child, Mitt "Etch A Sketch" Romney. And the animal abusing (Some of them do it with guns and bows and arrows and some do it by strapping the family dog to the roof of the car and driving 12 hours to Canada and still others do it by gutting environmental protections and isn't that what America all about? The freedom to express your hatred of all life and nature in any way you choose?), vaginal probing (Again, why bother having an America if you can't treat women like property?), life is sacred (As long as you're rich because the poor are disposable) hordes of brainless groupies who support them. In short, the stoned hippies who are being told what they want to hear by other stoned hippies like the Gonzo equivalent of Menudo himself, Ted Nugent and all I have to say about that is: Ted, keep talking. Every-time you open your mouth, Mitt's already astronomically low chances of winning go down even more. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Morning Report With Mark & Steve, WOC AM 1420 (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, April 13th, 2012
7:42 am	It's Friday The Thirteenth, You Bastards I know it's still kind of early, there's lots of time left and the wussy's that run North Korea could still make this the best Friday The Thirteenth ever by starting World War III but I'm worried that they won't. I'm equally worried that if they do, it will prompt Rachel Maddow to drop her interview with Bill Maher tonight to do a lot of boring war coverage. And then it's equally probable that that Bill and HBO will use the war as an excuse to preempt Bill's show tonight or drop his planned show and have him do a lot of boring war coverage. As far as I can see, there is just no good outcome to this any way it turns out, just unsatisfying second best alternatives that force you to conclude that you can't complain about your lack of the traditionally promised Friday The Thirteenth bad luck because you've had plenty of it. You know what? Forget about luck, both good and bad. It's irony that drives this holiday. Along with everything else in life. It's just like when your listening to Coast, like you were last night, and Damon Vickers tells you to forget about the future because it doesn't exist...Which is true...and then a few minutes later tells you to invest for the future because it's very important. And not one host or caller asks him how the future can be simultaneously nonexistent and unimportant and vitally important all at the same time. Probably because Michio Kaku has already explained this a million times...By saying, "We don't know how or why it is that one thing can be two different things at the same time in the same space but they can be." So what else were you expecting on Friday The Thirteenth? A drink? Good call. So let's wander over to the bar and see what Fifi, my Sommelier, has cooked up for tonight's Theme Drink: ---------------------------------- Lucky Seven On The Thirteenth Ingredients: 1/2 oz Vodka (Skyy) 1/2 oz Amaretto 1/2 oz Triple sec 1/2 oz 151 proof rum (Bacardi) 1/2 oz Jack Daniels 1/2 oz Southern Comfort 1/2 oz Sloe gin 1 splash Cranberry juice 1 splash Lime juice 1 splash Orange juice Mixing instructions: Combine the seven liquors, straight, in a tall glass. Top it with three splashes of cranberry, lime, and orange juices. Usually drinks with this many ingredients taste like shit, but these go surprisingly well with each other. A Votre Sante! ---------------------------------- It's no substitute for global thermonuclear war but I guess it will do until 8 PM tonight (Nine Eastern and Pacific) when Rachel tells us we're still mired in peace and 9 PM (Ten Eastern and Pacific) when Bill confirms it on his own show. And is there anything else to do but drink in the meantime? I can't think of anything but I am open to suggestions. Just make sure they're worthy of Friday The Thirteenth. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Morning Report With Mark & Steve, WOC AM 1420 (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 8th, 2012
8:21 am	It's Easter Sunday, You Bastards Well, I woke up this morning and I got myself a beer. A Sigtuna Easter Ale (2012). It came to me, courtesy of the Pope, in a les oeufs de Pâques on the chimes returning from Rome. It needs more carbonation and fewer blackberry notes. All in all, it is a prime example of why you never hear the Germans talk about how Sweden is threatening to take over the beer industry. And why no one is ever going to accuse the Pope of knowing beans about beer. Which is weird, because he is German. He was born in Bavaria, for God's sake. Maybe this is just his small minded, feeble attempt at revenge, a Poisson d'Avril, if you will, on me for saying Christianity is just another wacko religious cult and wearing my There Is No God t-shirt every time I see him. Somehow, I expect more maturity from God's spokesman on Earth, especially one who has the audacity to make his motto, "Cooperating with the truth," but what are ya gonna do? I'm not going to let him ruin my Easter. I'm just going to chalk it up to another case of you can take the boy out of Marktl but you can't take the Marktl out of the boy and just get on with my holiday. Which is going to consist mostly of a fun new game I learned during a recent visit to Washington while attending a GOP fundraiser. I'm a bit limited as to what I can tell you about it so I'll just say it's kind of a traditional Easter Egg hunt with a very interesting conservative right wing family values first "We respect, honor and don't hate women, really we don't," kind of gynecological twist to it. If I weren't so conscientious about obeying the letter and spirit of all the various secrecy oaths I have to take all the time, I'd just say it's vaginal probing for Easter Eggs. And other interesting surprises. Say what you want about the Republicans but if Mitt and Newt were in charge of the Catholic Church, I would have gotten a good beer this morning instead of a substandard Swedish brew. But it would have been delivered by a Swedish hooker, so I guess, if you're feeling really generous, you can give Ben partial credit for sort of being in the same ballpark. In a highly distorted out of touch kind of way but where would we be without delusional conservatives like him? I guess the only thing left is to get to today's Theme Drink...No, wait. We have to say goodbye to Mike Wallace, too---while trying to not let our disappointment that he didn't stick around another lousy seven years and make it to 100 show---so, Goodbye, Mike and I expect your interview with God to answer everything we've been wondering about all these years...and now that that's out of the way, let's see what Fifi, my Sommelier, has cooked up for today: ------------- Easter Bunny Ingredients: 1 1/2 oz Dark Creme de Cacao 1/2 oz Vodka 1 tsp Chocolate syrup 1 tsp Cherry brandy Mixing instructions: Shake creme de cacao and vodka with ice. Strain over ice in an old-fashioned glass. Float chocolate syrup and cherry brandy. ------------- Hmmm. I think I'll stick with the Sigtuna Easter Ale but I will say that I am all for anything and everything that makes the les oeufs de Pâques easier to find and this looks like it will do the trick. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Christopher Jordan, WSAR Fall River, MA. April, 1974 (Comment on this)
Friday, April 6th, 2012
7:36 am	It's Good Friday, You Bastards I've been reading and hearing a lot lately about how religion is in its' death throes and that would be great news if it's true, especially today, because it's Good Friday. Oh, if you're not up on Christian mythology, Good Friday is the day that Jesus died for your sins, which is important because even if you haven't sinned, you have anyway because the all knowing all powerful God (Who is really Jesus, even though they are two separate independent beings who are really the same thing) has decreed that you have Original Sin. That means you're guilty, even if you've never done anything wrong. Just like Trayvon Martin. So Jesus allowed Himself to be nailed to a cross (Which was another celebrity suicide because an omniscient and omnipotent God could have easily saved Himself from a few hundred Roman soldiers) and now you're forgiven. Provided you beg for forgiveness because how else is an all knowing God going to know that you want to be forgiven, especially for the things you never even did, unless you tell Him? And then you have to jump through a bunch of other hoops. And give the church lots of money because that's a very important part of the process. Anyway, that's the CliffsNotes version and if you want to know more, just ask anyone in the Christ Cult and they'll go as in-depth as you want...Especially if you're an alter-boy and he's a Priest. So it would be really good, especially on Good Friday, if religion were finally dying but I remain skeptical because religions, especially the crazier ones and there is no more crazy and obviously made-up religion than Christianity, seem to be immortal and they always bounce back. Same thing with political parties, which is why I'm also not having a great deal of faith in the "Republican party is in its' death throes," theory, too, but I am having a great deal of fun watching it nearly die. Any day now, I think Mitt Romney is going to just start wearing make-up and big shoes to complete the clown look. All that being said, though, there is no reason to throw away the good things that Christianity and the Republican party provide. First of all because it wouldn't be very green and secondly, I don't need anymore hate mail from Al Gore. That's why all the female guests at tonight's party are required to wear Catholic schoolgirl uniforms and will be subject to mandatory vaginal probes. I won't lie to you. There has been a considerable amount of resistance to this plan but remember, it's all Barack Obama's fault because he hates women and is waging a war on them. Why do I always get blamed for everything the irresponsible, logic challenged Liberals do? Why can't all you ladies just put on your uniform, hop up on the table and put your feet in the stirrups like a good little girl without the long grating completely untrue diatribe about how I'm demeaning and degrading you? Would that be so hard? Why do you insist on disappointing Jesus like that? He died for your sins, you know. You could at least have the decency to pretend to be grateful. But if you can't manage to do it on your own, maybe this, the Theme Drink that Fifi, my Sommelier, invented for tonight will help: ----------------------------------------- Golden Good Friday Shower Ingredients: 1 measure Banana liqueur 1 measure Rum Fill with Sprite Mixing instructions: Stir Rum and Banana liqueur with ice. Add Sprite ----------------------------------------- I guarantee that if you have enough of them you will in time see the Son of Man seated at the right hand of the Almighty, coming on the clouds of Heaven. Or something like that. Or at the very least, they should put you in a good enough mood to gracefully accept your mandated vaginal probe without all the griping and complaining. And if you do have any residual objections afterwards, send them to the White House, not to me. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Morning Report With Mark & Steve, WOC AM 1420 (Comment on this)
Friday, March 30th, 2012
7:10 am	It's Friday, You Bastards The Mega Millions jackpot is now up to $640 million and I want to remind you to stay positive. Because negativity breeds defeat. You can't win the lottery or anything else with pessimism. Of course, when the numbers are drawn in a few hours from now and you find out you lost anyway, that's when the switch part of the Bait And Switch kicks in and they say, "Your numbers weren't drawn, so you get no money but you did win because you were positive about it." It'll make you feel a lot smarter than all the people who lost because they were negative. And thus, the lottery is like everything else in life. One percent of everyone gets everything, 99% get nothing and everyone is happy because it's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game and for God's sake, don't stop playing because quitters never win! And if you don't care about God, think about the 1% who would actually have to do something if you weren't there to do all the work. For nothing. But if you manage to break all the rules and win tonight...Which is possible. That's another aspect of how this Bait And Switch Game Of Life is played. Just ask any casino operator and he'll tell you, usually in a thick Brooklyn or New Jersey accent, that you have to occasionally give something away to make the whole thing work and appear legitimate. Something such as $640 million that you'll immediately take half of back as taxes...here's a handy list of things to do to insure that you not only have a good time but gives you a pretty good shot of getting to appear on a talk show about lottery winners who are now broke and more miserable than ever: http://lifeinc.today.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/03/30/10925891-what-to-buy-when-you-win-the-540-million-mega-millions. I guess the only thing I would add to that list is that if you're Black and plan to celebrate by going to Disney World, hire a very good bodyguard. Because it's Negro Season right now in Florida and the hunters are coming out in droves. And don't forget to send Roseanne Barr a nasty email for being so crass and insensitive as to Tweet George Zimmerman's parents' address just because their son stalked and killed a 17 year old boy who wasn't doing anything wrong and then actively lied their heads off to perpetuate the coverup (http://todayentertainment.today.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/03/30/10940735-roseanne-barr-tweets-george-zimmermans-parents-correct-address). And does anyone else think that it's funny that if Trayvon Martin were white, George Zimmerman would be well on his way to death row right now and everyone would have just automatically dismissed the self-defense defense? Or is that just me? Don't answer that because it's probably time to stop thinking about how life is all about the one percent using racial and economic inequalities to continually divide, conquer, enslave and when necessary or fun, kill the 99% (More evidence of this, as if more evidence were needed, can be found here: http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/03/29/10926817-hospital-mom-booted-from-er-who-died-in-jail-was-treated-appropriately) and just concentrate on what really matters: It's Friday night and that spells P*A*R*T*Y. And that means it's time to unveil the Theme Drink that Fifi, my Sommelier, invented for tonight: ********** Dr. Lemon Jackpot Ingredients: 2 oz Jack Daniels Juice of 1/2 Lemon Fill with Dr. Pepper Ice Cubes 1 slice Lemon Mixing instructions: Pour Jack Daniels and Lemon Juice over Ice. Top off with Dr. Pepper. Garnish with Lemon Slice. Stir. Sour mix may be used in place of Lemon Juice. Cherry Coke may be used in place of Dr. Pepper, but not recommended. ********** OK, are you starting to feel like a winner yet? Are you ready to be even more of winner? Everyone here tonight is getting a book of these: http://www.amazon.ca/Sex-Scratchers-Lottery-Tickets-Scratch/dp/0811860094. There, now, tomorrow morning you can go tell all those people who say you're a loser just how wrong they are. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Morning Report With Mark & Steve, WOC AM 1420 (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 28th, 2012
12:25 am	MAY THE BUDDHAS SING IN YOUR CHILI - PASTE Logic only gives a man what he needs. Magic gives a man what he wants. ~~~~~~~~~Tom Robbins, Another Roadside Attraction, 1971 If you know who Tom Robbins is, there is no mystery over where tonight's title comes from and why it's here. Likewise with the quote. If you don't know who Tom Robbins is, I could end this migraine inducing brainteaser for you in just a few words. But why would I do that? It would be like handing you an already solved Rubik's Cube and what fun would that be? Too many people already have the wrong idea about me and now you want me to hand them an engraved invitation on a silver platter to say even worse things about me because I yanked away your last remaining chance of escaping just a little bit of your drab, dreary, pointless, unfulfilled life for a short while by unpuzzling the puzzle for you? Not on your life. I'm not saying that you don't have an inferiority complex for a bunch of really good reasons but why would I kick you when you're down? And then keep kicking you (Which would only lead my critics to say yet more untrue unfair things about me) by denying you the chance to proceed to Level III, which is another quote: The only meat in the world sweeter, hotter, and pinker than Amanda's twat is Carolina barbecue. (Tom Robbins, Another Roadside Attraction, 1971) Because who in their right mind would bother going to Level III if Levels I and II had already been done by someone else? Or you could even take what's behind Door Number Three and (After ignoring the citations at the end of the quotes as if they had never existed in the first place) just assume that the title and quotes are just more brilliant wordplay from yours truly and they are here for very good reasons that you can't make heads nor tails out of, and decide that you're OK with that. See? I'm giving you choices. And choices are freedom. And what is more valuable or highly prized to human beings than freedom? Nothing! All happiness, virtue, wealth and pleasure spring from freedom. Every single good thing in the Multi-Verse can be directly traced back to me. But do my critics ever give me credit for that? No. But never mind those h8ters so we can get to the primary reason we have gathered here tonight: Rush Limbaugh. And Bill Maher. Don't get me wrong, I'm not dissing Bill or anything. He's a brilliant commentator, author (And do you think I'd ever dis anyone who wrote a book called The New New Rules: A Funny Look at How Everybody but Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass? Cause I don't know about you but I don't want to be the subject of his next book) and comedian. In fact, if you're like me...i.e. older than dirt...you might also notice that he is the closest thing we have to Johnny Carson in delivery, mannerisms and even material and language if you ever saw Johnny's act in Vegas and/or at The Friars Club---And yes, you could digress even further by going into the similarities between Johnny and Jack Benny and how they finally evolved into what Bill does now but couldn't you do that on your own time because can't you see we have a deadline to hit here? The thing, the only thing, is that on Friday night, Bill told me to just not watch Rush if I don't like what he says. And that would be fine if this were a perfect world where everyone just ignored con-men and idiots but this world is far from perfect and just like his mentor, Adolf Hitler (Who was much like his other, more credited mentor, Norm Woodruff), legions of people do listen to him and hang on his every world. And they vote! And that's the problem. Rush is more than a big fat idiot (Which is why I never ever dis Senator Franken---Someday he's going to retire from politics, after being President for two terms if he doesn't let us down and go back to writing books and I don't want any of them to be about me). He shapes policy. And it's a bigger problem than I can solve. I know the slippery slope dilemma of persecuting anyone for anything they say, no matter how hypocritical and annoying their words may be but ignoring him and/or laughing at him accomplishes nothing. And I know my critics are shouting, "IF YOU DON'T HAVE A SOLUTION, YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO TALK ABOUT THE PROBLEM." And maybe they're right. Nah, just kidding. They're all morons who don't know what they're talking about but that still doesn't solve the problem. And we're still stuck with knowing that there is a solution that no one has yet found. So I'm putting you in charge of that. No hurry, tomorrow morning will be fine. And I'll leave you with just one more quote (What are we up to now? Level IV? Something like that, anyway) to figure out with all the free time you'll have after you figure out the Rush Enigma: So you think that you're a failure, do you? Well, you probably are. What's wrong with that? In the first place, if you've any sense at all you must have learned by now that we pay just as dearly for our triumphs as we do for our defeats. Go ahead and fail. But fail with wit, fail with grace, fail with style. A mediocre failure is as insufferable as a mediocre success. ~~~~Tom Robbins, Even Cowgirls Get The Blues, 1976 PS DON'T FAIL!!!!!! Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---George Noory, WOC AM 1420 (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 11th, 2012
7:47 am	What Was Moby's Last Name? Currently...Which is a very misleading, odd, out of place and ultimately useless word when you understand the true nature of time..., with a hundred or so odd pages left to go in 11/22/63 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/11/22/63), I am distracted by a prime example of how the past, present and future are not only obdurate and harmonizing but how they (The three, past, present and future which are really only one because we know that the past and future don't really exist. Much like the Father, Son and Holy Ghost who our pious friends assure us are really the same being, even though they are separate, distinct entities and I'm not going to go into that because I don't want to risk shaking the foundations of my Atheism) even go a step further than that. A rather big step further into what one could call taunting. Because this morning Uncle Ricky decided to debut the this exibition: Brother John Rydgren, WLS-FM Chicago LOVE, August 1969 (http://www.reelradio.com/gifts/wlsfmlove69.html#wlsfmlove69) and in it, Brother John talks about the body of an 11 year old girl that was recently found in the truck of a car and how two slightly older kids were just killed at a local lover's lane and then talks about the Manson murderers, taking special care to point out the often overlooked victim, Sharon Tate's unborn baby. Then, as if that wasn't enough, Brother John spends a minute or two talking about how in the old days, a big part of going to rock and roll shows...They weren't yet called concerts...involved slashing your seat and beating up the guy sitting next to you and how that had all changed for the better, except for old acts who draw old fans. He illustrated his point by telling us about how a recent British tour by Bill Haley and Chuck Berry had to be cut short because of the old fans these old acts attract being so rowdy and dangerous. Imagine that. The kids are harmless and it's the paranoid old people you should be afraid of. We could all learn a lot from that but we can't because there's no time. Because now we have to move onto Friday night's edition of The Rachel Maddow Show (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26315908/) which contained a segment called Creepy Compelling Crime that briefly outlined some recent thefts from churches in Ireland. I don't remember them all but there was the heart of a Saint who has been dead for around 1,500 years and some splinters that are claimed to be from the cross that Christ died on and there was another thing of the same general ilk that didn't get stolen---But the box that usually contains it did---because it was out being cleaned or something. Anyway, these items have no discernible value and no everyone is claiming that they can't figure out why they have been stolen but that's cow cookies. Everyone knows that this screams RITUAL. By who and for what? Well, that remains a mystery but we know that someone is trying to summon something. But that doesn't matter. What does matter is that all this a nearly prefect prologue to another Stephen King novel about time travel. Nay, it's more a dare than prologue. It's the clockwork of the Universe and whatever is behind it, that secretive force that keeps patiently turning all those gears, saying, "Hey, Steve, you managed to do that JFK book but I bet you can't do this one. Come on, I dare you!" And I hope Steve accepts the dare because 11/22/63 is so good. I still don't know what's going to happen. Right now, Jake/George and Sadie are on a bus heading into downtown Dallas on Friday, November 22, 1963 and the bus has just crashed into a truck. Everything is still up in the air...Oh, some people are saying that I skimmed the Wikipedia article and know that Sadie dies and Jake gets congratulated by not just the FBI but Jack and Jackie themselves so they must have prevented the assassination but I can neither confirm nor deny that. Just like everyone else stuck in this fake procession of time, you have to wait for the future when I have finished those last 100 odd pages and give you my thoughts on them. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Brother John Rydgren, WLS-FM Chicago LOVE, August 1969 (Comment on this)
Friday, March 9th, 2012
6:46 am	It's Friday, You Bastards I have just one question today, because I'm still deep and heavy into celebrating International Women's Day (Or as as Rush Limbaugh calls it, International Sluts And Prostitutes Day): Has Rush killed himself yet? A lot of people think he will bounce back from this latest attempt to choke himself by ramming both feet down his throat and maybe he will. But I think that all the clips I've been seeing on Ed and Rachel's shows (http://wegoted.com/theEdShow/ & http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26315908/) all week just might indicate that he has finally used up all of his bounce back luck. I suppose it's still a really big pie-in-the-sky long-shot given his long history of maintaining enough followers to muddle through no matter how outrageously stupid he is but I have never seen him so visibly nervous, agitated and depressed. Especially when he's telling his brain dead flock about how great things are on the business side. I think the current number of sponsors that have deserted him is 49 and he's lost at least one affiliate. Is that a sustainable business model? To hear Rush tell it, it is. Everything is fine. It reminds me of when George Bush was telling us how dangerous Iraq was and how we'd be in and out in six months. And the only difference I can see is that George had an exit strategy: He could only run for President twice. And the only option Rush has is to keep talking and when the diminishing returns on that sets in, what choice does he have? Actually, I think he has two. He can slink away quietly in disgrace after he gets fired and can't even get a job on a tiny market local Nazi station such as WOC here in town (http://www.woc1420.com/main.html) or he can get even with everyone who was so mean to him by blowing his brains out on the air during his show, which is radio but it is filmed with a webcam. I hope he chooses the latter, because in the immortal words of Jackie Broyles (http://www.redstateupdate.com/), "Yeah, I'd watch that." And I could sure use that kind of cheering up right now. It's been a bad week. Do you have any idea how hard it is to celebrate International Women's Day when your secretary, Minx, is wearing a pair of panties that says, "I Am Annoyed?" And when you want to keep celebrating on the next day she's wearing another pair of underwear that says the same thing? I guess the moral of the story is this: Never let your secretary watch TV or go to the movies. Especially when that bad influence Lisbeth is on. Ignore that at your own peril. Do you have any idea just how insidious and fast spreading this disease can be? They should change the name of World Cancer Day to World Lisbeth Day. Just look at my Fifi, my Sommelier. Sure, she's still doing her job. Sort of. She invented this Theme Drink for tonight: --------------------------------------- International Wonder Women's Day Ingredients: 2 oz MidoSweet 2 oz Peach schnapps 3 oz Orange juice 1 oz Pineapple juice 2 oz Cranberry juice Mixing instructions: Fill hurricane glass with ice. Add ingredients in order listed. Don't stir! Should have three layers; green, orange, and red. Garnish with a cherry. Sweet drink -- ladies love it. --------------------------------------- But she is wearing an I Am Annoyed shirt. Which is marginally better than the I Am Annoyed underwear but still. And did you notice that there is barely any alcohol in this drink? Just how are you supposed to properly celebrate day two of International Women's Day when the girls aren't relaxed enough to do it right? I suppose it could be worse. Not by much but at least all this craziness that's infecting the world has an upside. Pat Robertson is finally showing some sense: http://blogs.ajc.com/political-insider-jim-galloway/2012/03/09/your-morning-jolt-pat-robertson-endorses-legal-marijuana/. I bet Nancy Reagan is spinning in her grave. Well, she would be if she were dead...As it is, she must be spinning in her bed or something...but how long could she have left? How many shocks can a 90 year old lady stand? The Republican party is very hilariously disintegrating before her very eyes, Rush is losing his job and now her favorite preacher, Benedict Pat, wants to legalize marijuana. She's the one who should be wearing the I Am Annoyed shirt. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Morning Report With Mark & Steve, WOC AM 1420 (Comment on this)