Greg's Blurty
 
[Most Recent Entries] [Calendar View] [Friends]

Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Greg's Blurty:

    [ << Previous 20 ]
    Tuesday, April 22nd, 2014
    7:12 am
    Republican Socks
    I don't have a whole lot to say today so I'm going to turn the floor over to former President George H. W. Bush. Right after I make a couple of comments. Starting with a question: Have Bill, Jenk, Jon and Steve, et al (http://www.billmaher.com/, http://www.tytnetwork.com/ & http://thecolbertreport.cc.com/) yet seen what I'm about to show you? And when they do see it, what are they going to do with it?

    At first glance, it doesn't seem to be a big deal but then if you think about it for a little while, you realize that it is kind of a big deal because it answers the question: How do you further degrade and humiliate the universally recognized worst President in the history of The United States? Answer: You set up a sock counter in your idea store and make him your only salesman. That's right, George W. Bush can now put Sock Salesman on his resume. Keep in mind that this is how much his own party values him. The Democrats had nothing to do with it. Anyway, when the aforementioned professional satirists get ahold of this, you'll see just how funny and fitting it is. And you kids who are good at PhotoShop can get in on this, too. Just start putting together pictures of George and Socks Clinton (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Socks_(cat)) in ads for Republican Socks. Republican Socks. Doesn't that sound like a product that would sponsor Red State Update (http://redstateupdate.libsyn.com/)? Maybe Jackie & Dunlap will talk about them next week. OK, that's all I have to say, so here is the email that started it all:


    -----------------------------------------------------------


    President George H.W. Bush


    10:11 AM (56 minutes ago)


    To me


    Greg,

    I don’t know what your guilty pleasures are in life, but one of mine is socks.

    I’m a self-proclaimed sock man. The louder, the brighter, the crazier the pattern -- the better! It’s usually the first thing people notice I’m wearing whenever I’m out in public and that’s the way I like it.

    So when Chairman Reince Priebus asked me to write to you on behalf of the Republican National Committee (RNC), I told him I’d be happy to do it. But on one condition: my letter to you had to involve socks.

    I’m proud to say the RNC has commissioned a limited-edition pair of socks in my honor. Embroidered with the Republican elephant and my signature on them, they’re sure to get you noticed.

    You can get your own pair today or as a gift for your favorite Republican by sending a special campaign contribution of $35 or more to the RNC now. And if you donate $35 or more to the RNC now, your gift will be matched by a group of donors.

    Greg, it’s important you act now on this offer. Chairman Priebus assures me these will go fast since only a limited number were produced -- and the RNC needs your immediate support to lay the foundation for victory in the critical 2014 mid-term elections.

    As a former RNC Chairman, I know that nothing is more vital to our Party’s success than a strong and well-funded RNC.

    And I understand the difficult challenges Reince is facing as he works to build and prepare our Party to elect Republican majorities at every level of government in November.

    Republicans are up against an opposition that is willing to do, say and spend whatever it takes to expand their hold on power. The Democrats are desperate and determined to fully implement ObamaCare and force their agenda of higher taxes, more spending and less freedom on the American people.

    Of course, the liberal special interest groups and the mainstream media will do their part to help the Democrats win back the U.S. House and retain control of the U.S. Senate. Nothing has changed in that respect since I left the White House.

    But what has changed since I was in office is the way the RNC is preparing for the 2014 mid-term elections.

    Our Party has made it a priority to have a permanent presence in EVERY state and EVERY community earlier than ever before in an off year election.

    The RNC already has staff in nearly all 50 states. Their efforts to reach out and connect with new voters precinct-by-precinct, block-by-block is vital to growing our Party and setting the stage for nationwide Republican victories.

    But our Party cannot succeed unless good friends and steadfast Republican supporters like you play an active role in helping the RNC provide the resources and tools our candidates need to run winning campaigns.

    With your financial commitment today, I’m confident Republicans can strengthen our Majority in the U.S. House, reclaim control of the U.S. Senate, and elect more governors and state legislators this November.

    So please take advantage of this special offer to get your very own pair of limited-edition socks embroidered with the Republican elephant and my signature by making your generous online gift of $35 or more to the RNC today. If you donate $35 or more now, your gift will be matched by a group of RNC donors.

    Greg, thank you for your friendship over the years. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

    Sincerely,

    George H.W. Bush


    P.S. Greg, I am deeply touched the RNC has chosen to make a limited-edition pair of socks with the Republican elephant in my honor. I hope you will get a pair for yourself or as a gift for a friend by sending a special campaign donation of $35 or more to the RNC today. Your contribution is vital to helping elect Republicans from the county courthouse to the corridors of Congress in the critical 2014 elections. Thank you.

    -----------------------------------------------------------

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Monday, April 21st, 2014
    2:23 am
    A Really Good Joke
    Given all the horrible news today---The worst of which is that Randi Rhodes (http://www.randirhodes.com/main.html) announced that she is retiring and May 16 will be her last show and the only good thing about that is that this time she called all the shots instead of the welfare queens who run the company she works for---you're probably in need of a really big laugh and you're likely considering watching an hour or two of the best absurdest comedy ever produced, FOX News but before you pick up the remote, I have an alternative proposal.

    Try reading today's edition (Monday April 21, 2014) of The Rock Island Argus instead. Not the whole thing. Just two items. The story on the front page about homeless children (Number of homeless children on the rise in Q-C: http://www.qconline.com/archives/qco/display.php?id=678224)...And the first thing that you're probably going to think is "What is funny about homeless children?" Even though the number is just at least 800 and rising, which in our twisted world seems almost acceptable it seems small and encouraging until you remember that The Quad Cities is tiny collection of tiny little farm towns that altogether don't add up to anything and 800 is a pretty good chunk of our population and then you just think, "How could you possibly have 800 homeless children?"

    That's a perfectly valid reaction but disregard it and just treat the article as the set-up of a great joke. Now, for the punchline, flip to Viewpoints, which is page A4 and look down at the lower left corner where you will find Letters From Readers and I want you to read the first one. The one entitled, Is There A God? Yes; Evidence Is Everywhere. OK, now aren't you trusted me because you can feel your giant laugh coming on already?

    Now let's take a little look at the content of this letter. At one point, the author says, and I quote, "Science has been proven wrong many times. The Bible has not." I assume that means that any minute now all the scientific journals are going to announce that all the so far proven data about everything was wrong after all and the Earth is only 6000 years old and two of every animal COULD easily fit on a relatively tiny little boat built by amateurs under the supervision of an alcoholic. Among a whole host of other things far too numerous to mention that clearly demonstrate the Bible is a work of fiction.

    But what if that doesn't happen? No problem. The writer explains, "The "errors" of the Bible mentioned are all easily explained. They are not errors." He offers no evidence of any kind and well, that settles the whole debate, doesn't it? This is just a guess but I'm gonna say the guy who wrote this letter voted for Mitt Romney. I'll further speculate that he is your average everyday garden variety Republican, you know, someone who doesn't work, lives off entitlements and spends all his free time blaming Blacks, Hispanics, Asians, Gays, Women, Atheists and Liberals for hobbling good guys like the Koch brothers who desperately want to flood this country with good, well paying jobs but they can't because all the minorities are taking so much from them. And he's going to do his best to fix everything by voting for Republicans who want to kill him by taking away his Social Security, Health Care and Food Stamps. Again, that's just speculation, so let's get back to the facts.

    I'm not going to spoil the rest of the letter for you before you read it but I will point out that the Editors of The Argus did not print a disclaimer. Something to the effect of, "We feel obligated to print things like this but it's obvious it was written by a total moron and you should not take it seriously. Especially if you're young and impressionable." You know, the very same thing they don't but should publish alongside Charles Krauthammer's column every week.

    And instead, you get the impression this letter writer should be taken seriously. In it's own quaint toothless backwoods way, it's every bit as funny as The Life Of Brian when Eric Idle is singing Always Look on the Bright Side of Life as he's being crucified next to Jesus (Monty Python - Always Look on the Bright Side of Life: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHPOzQzk9Qo) and when you combine it with the article on the front page, well, to paraphrase Messrs L. and M., the Editors of The Rock Island Argus assure the public their production will be second to none when it comes to wringing laughter out of hopelessly stupid people---Cause all normal people (You know, non-conservatives) are going to ask, "How could there be a God AND 800 homeless kids in the Quad Cities? Or anywhere else? And why would we ever take anyone who would think so seriously?"

    That's where the laughter ensues. And maybe I haven't convinced you. Maybe you will go to FOX anyway for your big laugh today and that's fine. But good luck with that cause even Bill O'Reilly---even though he tries really hard---doesn't have a prayer of being this funny.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---George Knapp, WOC AM 1420
    Sunday, April 20th, 2014
    2:36 am
    It's Easter Sunday, You Bastards
    Did you know that there is a suicide "Epidemic" among farmers? I put epidemic in quotes because there really isn't an epidemic at all. At least not here. Maybe in France but probably not. You can find some of the particulars here and make your own mind (Death on the Farm: http://mag.newsweek.com/2014/04/18/farmer-suicide-farming.html). But be warned, if you don't come to the same conclusion I did, that no matter what the press says about the alarming amount of suicides among kids, old people, soldiers and now farmers, the suicide rate remains the same. About one every 17 minutes in the US. It's been that way for many years, maybe even decades and it never changes. And again, I say, if you're anti-suicide, you've already won. Go open the champagne now because how how much lower could our rate possibly be? You should just relax and live it up until the US develops a more realistic rate, like that of China, where they have a suicide about once every 2 minutes for about 250,000-300,000 a year. Personally, I think that rate is kind of low ,too, but if you choose to say that it means that suicide is actually a real thing in China rather than a very rare event that hardly ever happens, I won't be quite so critical of you. Likewise when we get that kind of rate here. I'm being very generous with that because anything less than a million a year in any single country is really about the best you can ever hope for and you really owe a lot to dumb luck and coroners who are loathe to ever list the Cause Of Death as suicide if there is any other possible alternative. You're welcome.

    Before I get to the big reason I'm talking about suicide today, I have another question for you: Do I know how to give an Easter Address or what? The answer is yes. Not to brag or anything but I am awesome. Especially on religious holidays. Now, back to suicide.

    Last Monday, a 16 year old girl in Kentucky killed herself and unlike the vast majority of suicides, this one made the news because she left a farewell video on YouTube (Maddie Yates: 16-Year-Old Girl Posted Farewell Video On YouTube Before Committing Suicide: http://www.inquisitr.com/1216497/maddie-yates-16-year-old-girl-posted-farewell-video-on-youtube-before-committing-suicide/).

    At this point, I could start arguing with all the people who think she made a huge mistake but I'm not going to. I'm going to let her speak for herself by showing you this part of her farewell video, a quote from Doug Stanhope: "Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and its sucked every second so far, it probably isn't gonna get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early."

    And in in lieu of the usual stupid argument, I'm just going to ask: Can anyone dispute that? I know a lot of you desperately want to but get real. Life is not a gift (You want a reason why I say that as if it isn't painfully obvious? OK, how about this latest horror show playing in the headlines: The Financial Oligarchy Reigns: Democracy’s Death Spiral From Greece to the United States - http://ampedstatus.com/the-financial-oligarchy-reigns-democracys-death-spiral-from-greece-to-the-united-states/) and no no one in their right mind would ever want to be here. And what we do? We call the ones who want to get out the crazy ones. I never ever see any of the anti-suicide crusaders ever propose to do anything to make life more inviting. All they ever do is push drugs and therapy, while often saying the stupidest thing any human being has ever uttered: Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. The message is clear: Life is fine. You are defective. Still, I have to salute those who say it, just like the people who keep saying Trickle Down Economics works, cause it is working unbelievably well. At least for now.

    I could develop my arguments a lot more but why bother. This is very much like religion in that I'm not going to make anyone change their mind about suicide. I could talk til I'm blue in the face and it wouldn't make a bit of difference so I'll just stop at this point. Plus we have another big party to get started cause it''s Easter. Right after I hit you with this bit of advice from Albert Camus, “What is called a reason for living is also an excellent reason for dying.”

    Now, who wants a drink? You are in luck because Fifi, my Sommelier, is here and ready to unveil the Theme Drink she invented for tonight:

    -----------------------------------------------

    Easter Surprise

    Ingredients:

    45 ml Aquavit
    30 ml Parfait d'Amour
    Lemon juice
    Ice

    Mixing instructions:

    Shake with ice and strain into a brandy snifter.

    -----------------------------------------------

    Fifi is also wearing her shirt that says, “Let anyone who is thirsty come to me and drink." (John 7:37). She only wears it on big religious holidays for some reason. Just like her thong that says, "Wherefore whosoever shall eat this bread, and drink [this] cup of the Lord, unworthily, shall be guilty of the body and blood of the Lord. PS: If you can read this, it's your lucky day for thou art blessed. As long as you eat worthily."

    If memory serves, the first part of that is from 1 Corinthians 11:27-30. I'm pretty sure the second part isn't in the Bible, but I could be wrong. It's a really long book and I could have missed that part. The one thing I can say with certainty is that you should heed the thong and eat worthily. Unless you want her to be in a bad mood for the whole rest of the night.

    Are you ready for tonight's Featured Party Game: Binders Full Of Girls Who Aren't So Picky About How Well You Eat? Good. And once again I've reached a point where I'm not going to change anyone's mind. This time about the main course. Either you're sane and you love it or you're insane and you don't. So once again, I'll just stop talking. OK, stop applauding. You're just abusing sarcasm now.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---George Noory, WOC AM 1420
    Saturday, April 19th, 2014
    10:37 am
    It's Easter Eve, You Bastards
    Can you believe how busy this weekend is? On Thursday, we had Good Friday Eve, then yesterday was Good Friday and now it's Easter Eve. But that's not all. Today is also 420 Day Eve. AND Adolph Hitler's Birthday Eve. And tomorrow, of course is Easter and 420 Day. But don't get cocky and start thinking that it's a lot and you'll be stretched to your limit but you can handle it because that's not even all.

    Thanks to FOX News, you also have to go fight another war. That's right, there's a War On Easter (Fox News warns of 'The Unholy War on Easter': http://www.dailykos.com/story/2014/04/18/1292984/-Fox-News-warns-of-The-Unholy-War-on-Easter). That makes me feel really sorry for you Christians. Not only do you have to celebrate your biggest holiday with a straight face even though it's the most absurd holiday ever, even by religious holiday standards but now you have to put on fatigues and grab your gun and go out and defend it.

    I'm trying not to laugh too hard about the fact that statistics say that you're far more likely to shoot yourself and/or family before you even leave the house cause that is really kind of tragic. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel really good about the overwhelming odds of my side winning. Even though though the vast majority of us don't even own guns. I really hope for your sake, that if you're right about religion, that God isn't a Sergeant. Cause, first of all that's gonna mean He's a veteran and you're gonna have to explain why you voted for Mitt Romney and all the other Republicans who are trying to kill our troops by not supporting them.

    And then He's gonna scream at you for days about being too stupid to even own a gun and what a huge disgrace you are. And how could you be so inept as to lose to a bunch of unarmed hippies? What is your major malfunction? And you remember what the Bible says about God's days, don't you? They're like a thousand of our years. And you remember when God said that He created man in his own image? I hate to be the one to break it to you but he was talking about Liberace, too. So that's another huge thing you have to worry about.

    You know what? If you had any sense at all, you'd just start waving your white flag and surrender. Let Field Marshal Limbaugh fight this war himself and then explain himself to God. That'll be one less thing on your list of things to do and you'll have a lot more time to celebrate Adolph's birthday after you get out of church tomorrow and before you cap off the whole weekend by smoking a fatty, cause, you know, it's 420 Day.

    Oh yeah, I know, you don't openly acknowledge that you worship Hitler but come on. The way you drool over Vladimir Putin and Ronald Reagan has already blown the door off that closet, just as your fear of Marriage Equality blew---No pun intended---the door off your Gay Closet, so come on out already and just say, Happy Birthday.

    Otherwise, it's going to be just like Vietnam all over again. You'll be mired down in a war you can't possibly win and you remember what Jane Fonda did to you? Ooops. Sorry, my bad. My mentioning Jane just caused about 1000 of you octogenarian plus, already rapidly dwindling racists to die from sudden strokes and now you're even more outnumbered. I didn't mean to do it. Honest. It was an accident. I would never purposely kick you when you're down.

    Let me make it up to you. Let me bring out Fifi, my Sommelier, so she can introduce the Theme Drink she invented for tonight:

    ------------------------------------------


    Belles Of St. Mary's

    Ingredients:

    1 1/2 oz Gin
    1 oz Triple sec
    1 oz Apricot brandy
    2 tsp Lemon juice

    Mixing instructions:

    In a shaker half-filled with ice cubes, combine all of the ingredients. Shake well. Strain into a cocktail glass.

    ------------------------------------------

    There, doesn't that make you forget all about what that mean old Jane Fonda did to you? Dang! Did it again. There's another thousand funerals you have to go to next week but you have my sincerest apologies. Even better than that, you have this, tonight's Featured Party Game: Binders Full Of Girls Trying to Simultaneously Celebrate So Many Holidays That They Didn't Even Remember to Get Dressed.

    OK, just one last thing before I go: JANE FONDA. That one was on purpose but what do you expect out of me? And stop complaining already and just admit that if Jane didn't get you, all these naked girls would. Happy Easter Eve!

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Red State Update: Episode 40: This Ain't My First Racist Ro
    Friday, April 18th, 2014
    6:19 am
    It's Good Friday, You Bastards
    I think this is my all time favorite religious holiday. Because this is the day that God allowed his only Son to be brutally tortured to death. To prove how much He loves everyone. Including His own Son. Who was really Him. I'm not sure but I think that degree of incest is illegal even in Alabama but that's a side point. The main point is that God permitted all this to happen, in public no less, and believers still, to this very day, point to it and say, "This proves how much God cares about me."

    Insanity based comedy of this magnitude makes One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest look like a skit that was written and performed by a grade school class. And the premise behind it? That this murder was the ONLY way our favorite all knowing, all seeing, all powerful God could save us from going to Hell forever for doing things we never did because we are all stuck with Original Sin? Who would ever buy something that ridiculous? You would expect that even the people who think a banker in Nigeria is going to give them the bulk of a deceased Prince's estate because they, based on on a Google search, look honest, would look at the crucifixion and quote Penn Jillette by saying, "Bull hockey!"

    Oh, if you're a big Penn & Teller fan, you probably noticed that I cleaned up Penn's favorite expression a little bit. It wasn't my idea. My Editor-In-Chief, Style Manual, said that it was bad enough that I was insulting 2.2 billion Christians and she was not going to make it worse by letting me use profanity. I pointed out that it is Penn who uses the S word, not me but it didn't work and the S word is out.

    If that offends you, I understand but before you get too judgmental, you should know something about Style. She was born and raised on a little Agave plantation not far from Tijuana. Hence, she is Mexican and Catholic and you should forgive her cause she knows not what she does. She also has a BA, MPhil, and PhD in English from Clare College, Cambridge.

    That makes her a prime example of my next point: People who should be smart enough to know better but don't. Forget the fact that she's constantly acting like she knows English better than I do---That alone is more than enough grounds to have her permanently locked up in a rubber room but it gets even worse. She believes in the Bible. Not literally, but figuratively and if President Reagan hadn't defunded all the loony bins, she would be in a double padded room right now.

    Of course, it isn't all her fault. In the chapel on the Agave plantation she grew up on, the Sacramental wine was really tequila and my doctors tell me that if you start drinking tequila shots a couple of times a week as a toddler, it can cause problems later in life. Problems like believing in an obviously fake God.

    Don't get me wrong. I'm glad that Style developed a taste for tequila and still drinks it, because it makes her clothes fall off but I wish it hadn't ruined her mind so much. And I maintain that if there were really a God, things like this wouldn't happen. But they do and this puts me in a weird spot. Because it got Style hooked on what some people coarsely refer to as Liquid Panty Remover, I owe religion in general and Catholicism in particular, a small debt of gratitude.

    And maybe it's not just Style. Who knows how many other girls I enjoy watching get naked after they have a few drinks do it because of religion? Frankly, I don't want to know because I don't want to be forced to abandon my crusade to rid the world of all religion.

    So let's get out of this mine field by changing the subject. And who better to guide us to safety than Fifi, my Sommelier? Here is the Theme Drink she invented for tonight:

    ----------------------------------------------------

    Garden of Gethsemane

    Ingredients:

    1 1/2 oz Vodka
    1 oz white Creme de Cacao
    1 oz Cointreau
    1/2 oz Lime juice
    Fresh Cream

    Mixing instructions:

    Stir all ingredients, except for the cream, together. Pour into cocktail glass and float cream on top. Sprinkle some grated orange peel on top.

    ----------------------------------------------------

    There is one potential side effect of this drink you should know about. In the morning, you might feel like a bunch of hostile Romans nailed you to a cross and then stood around watching you die but even if that does happen, it'll be worth it. Trust me. Just pray that you don't wake up with no memory of this, tonight's Featured Party Game: Binders Full Of Girls Who Will Do Anything For Thirty Pieces Of Silver. Amen.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Tuesday, April 15th, 2014
    2:27 am
    It's Tax Day, You Bastards
    Yesterday was the 5th anniversary of the birth of the Tea Party. They had a big celebration and played their favorite party game: pin the blame on the darky.

    ~~~Bill Maher~~~


    Hello and welcome to April 15, the day we here in America celebrate Warren Buffett paying less in taxes than his secretary (Obama, like Warren Buffett, pays lower tax rate than his secretary: http://origin.wtsp.com/news/article/251117/81/Obama-like-Warren-Buffett-pays-lower-tax-rate-than-his-secretary). And, as Bill just pointed out, old, angry, low information white men use it as an excuse to be especially loud about how all our problems, most notably our notoriously unfair tax code that benefits only the rich, are the fault of minorities, all of whom are led by the worst minority of them all, African Americans---Followed closely by the Gays who are shredding what is left of the country after the Blacks get done with it. And don't even mention Gay Black people cause that will make their heads really explode---.

    I'm not going to address any of that, though, because today is already fraught with more than enough anger and frustration for everyone. All I'm going to do is make you forget the pain by getting this party started. Right after I quote Bill again, just to cover the homophobic aspect of the Tea Party: If watching two old, fat, hairy men in San Francisco get married turns your kid gay, he was already gay.

    But like I just said, my mission is to make you forget all that. So now I'd like you to bow your head so we can start the proceedings with a prayer to ward off audits. Yeah, I'm an Atheist, too, and I also know you would never ever cheat on your taxes but none of that matters. The IRS eats innocent people for breakfast and you can't go up against them without at least one imaginary friend because if all else fails, you'll have the Insanity defense.

    Oh wow, look at that, it seems like the prayer is working already: The IRS Will Audit Less This Year (http://www.yourcentralvalley.com/story/d/story/irs-audit/32126/I8zN2LDKuUyYCa35rj5hgw). Don't panic. We'll just write this off as another example of the Law Of Big Numbers at work. I don't believe in the Law Of Big Numbers, either, cause it's even more ridiculous than thinking there is a God but still, it's the less repellent option.

    Could anyone else use a drink or is it just me? OK, let's settle this by popular vote. To make those of you from Florida feel at home, I've locked all the bathrooms (New Rule Prohibits Voters In Miami-Dade County From Using The Restroom, No Matter How Long The Line: http://www.yourcentralvalley.com/story/d/story/irs-audit/32126/I8zN2LDKuUyYCa35rj5hgw). Alright, now to officiate, here is Fifi, my Sommelier/Part Time Election Judge with the Theme Drink she invented for tonight:

    ---------------------------------------

    Nightmare On Tax Street

    Ingredients:

    1/2 oz Goldschlager
    1/2 oz Jägermeister
    1/2 oz Rumple Minze
    1/2 oz Bacardi 151 proof rum

    Mixing instructions:

    Add over ice, shake and pour.

    ---------------------------------------

    Are you starting to feel less fearful and anxious yet? Except for you Tea Partiers, of course, because without fear and anxiety, you'd just be a toothless pile of old dirty clothes. But there is one thing I am going to attempt to change about you in the Tea Party, I want to replace Pin The Blame On The Darky as your favorite party game with this, tonight's Featured Party Game: Binders Full Of Girls Wearing Old Barrels.

    For those of you under 70, I guess I should explain that clothing people in barrels is how the mass media used to depict poor people. Especially on Tax Day. Get it? They're too poor to buy clothes. So they wear barrels. If you had spent your youth watching The Waltons instead of watching the damn MTV and playing with your iPod, I wouldn't have to explain these things but whatever. I'm not going to judge you for wasting your life away. I just hope you don't cheat at Binders Full Of Girls Wearing Old Barrels the same way you cheat on your taxes.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Coast To Coast AM---George Noory, WOC AM 1420
    Monday, April 14th, 2014
    6:46 am
    A Late Show Prayer
    David Letterman once called Bill O'Reilly a goon (Letterman to OReilly: Youre a goon: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WS1KYcrJSXQ). I don't know exactly how Stephen Colbert (Stephen Colbert to replace David Letterman on "Late Show": http://www.cbsnews.com/news/stephen-colbert-to-replace-david-letterman-on-late-show/) is going to top that but I know he will. Likely soon and often. That will make me happy.

    But what will make me most happy is if he fully justifies the Conservative outrage being directed against him. Rush Limbaugh is convinced this is Pearl Harbor all over again and here is FOX News' reaction: Can Stephen Colbert be funny without lampooning conservatives? (http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2014/04/14/can-stephen-colbert-be-funny-without-lampooning-conservatives/).

    You know, if this really is the road production of Pearl Harbor 2.0, with CBS playing the role of Japan and Steve playing the dive bombers, I hope he decides to arm himself with nuclear weapons. Because I would really like to see this Conservative/Liberal War be over in a month.

    Waiting for the losers (They're technically known as the Conservatives, if you're keeping score at home) to die out naturally is just taking too much time. It's bad enough that they're still claiming too many victims because they don't understand things like fairness and equality (If you want a crystal clear example of how racist they are, go to Randi Rhodes iheartradio channel and listen to today's show: http://www.iheart.com/live/Randi-Rhodes-6443/?autoplay=true) but it's even worse that they have decided to commit mass suicide and take the rest of us with them by denying Global Warming.

    If Steve can neuter them with a few monologues and a couple of interviews, he will be the greatest hero the world has ever known. Of course, it may still not be enough. It might already be too late to keep the human race from dying out but even if that is the case, we'll still get a little time to rub everything from Gay Marriage to free, legal, no questions asked abortions in the losers' faces.

    If it comes to it and it probably will, I don't know how much fun it's going to be to say, "TOLD YA SO!" to Dennis Miller...Is he any relation to Frazier Glenn Miller (Kansas City area Jewish center shootings suspect Frazier Glenn Miller; who is the man with 2 names?: http://www.cbsnews.com/news/kansas-city-jewish-center-shootings-suspect-frazier-glenn-miller-cross/)? If he isn't, you sure couldn't tell by listening to Dennis' show...when his house, which is currently a couple of miles or so from the ocean, is finally underwater but we better enjoy it anyway cause at that point we aren't going to have many other things to make us happy.

    In any case, before that final misery is upon us, I want Steve to turn The Late Show into the Conservative Armageddon. Praise the Lord and pass the jokes! Amen.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Friday, April 11th, 2014
    7:07 am
    It's Friday, You Bastards
    I didn't come here to ruin your day. Honest. You know me. If you were asked to describe me in four words, those four words would be: Happy, Upbeat, Incurably and Optimistic. If I had a tattoo, it would read: Life Is The Most Awesome Gift Ever. I would never do anything to harsh your mellow. Ever. Except on days like this when Fate deals me a hand so dirty that it pollutes my half full glass to such a degree that it makes BP (http://www.bp.com/) look environmentally friendly.

    See? I don't want to do this. I have to do this. I've been...What's the word? Drafted! That's it! Pressed into service against my will! Remind me to call Ted Nugent to insure this never happens again cause I understand he knows how to avoid the draft without sacrificing any personal dignity (Patriotic American Ted Nugent Shit His Pants to Avoid the Draft: http://gawker.com/5983634/patriotic-american-ted-nugent-shit-his-pants-to-avoid-the-draft/all) but that can wait til later because you have done it again!

    You don't realize it just yet but in a second, you will fully understand how you bringing up the draft there in the last paragraph created the perfect segue to the bad news I'm being forced to tell you. Now, aren't you glad your parents were too dumb to figure out birth control so you could be here to enjoy this triumph?

    I wish I could give you enough time to fully appreciate just how special and gifted you are but I can't. I no longer have that luxury because we're on War Time now. There, I've said it. We are at war. Yesterday, April 11, 2014---a date which will live in infamy---the Heartland Of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by the Entertainment Division of The Empire Of The Columbia Broadcasting System (http://www.cbs.com/).

    What I am going to tell you now is going to sound counter-intuitive but I am asking you to do it anyway: DON'T PANIC! All is well. For comfort and inspiration, I give you yesterday's address by Field Marshal Limbaugh: Rush Limbaugh says CBS has “declared war on the heartland” by hiring Stephen Colbert (http://www.salon.com/2014/04/10/rush_limbaugh_says_cbs_has_declared_war_on_the_heartland_by_hiring_stephen_colbert/).

    Rush would have said more but he had get to his bunker and start sucking his thumb. Along with various other appendages that we'll never know about because his entire all male staff has signed a Don't Ask, Don't Tell oath. But that does not concern you. What concerns you is your job. Nay. Your duty. Which is to defend the Heartland by fighting and dying until General Colbert is finally defeated.

    So Field Marshal Limbaugh can enjoy his drug laden, male serviced stay in the bunker until it's all over. I imagine that you will be asked to make other sacrifices, too. Most notably, your children, cause let's be honest here. If we sent you into battle, you're so old and hopelessly out of shape that it could be construed as aiding and comforting the enemy. Plus, after all the young people are dead, we're gonna need you to defend the bunker when the forces of The Empire Of The Columbia Broadcasting System begin pouring into Palm Beach.

    In the meantime, though, there are going to be things you are going to have to deal with. Things like shortages, rationing and mandatory 18 hour work days in defense plants that make vital war supplies like Viagra and Oxy. Remember, no one ever won a war by complaining so stop the bellyaching, go to work and Git-R-Done!

    Don't think you'll be alone, either. We are all in this together. Including me. Yesterday afternoon, moments after Field Marshal Limbaugh's address, I mobilized my entire all girl staff. By giving them uniforms---We ran out of military uniforms so some of them are wearing stewardess, police girl, prison guard, French maid and Catholic Schoolgirl uniforms in addition to five Wonder Women and three Bat Girls but back off cause it's the thought that counts!

    I also armed each and every one of them with Kalashnikov Vodka Guns (http://www.everydaynodaysoff.com/2009/11/25/gun-shaped-vodka-bottles/). You'll notice that these guns are directly modeled on the AK-47, the most popular and efficient assault rifle of all time, so when the winds of war darken this door, we will be more than ready.

    Are you ready for tonight's Defense Preparedness Drill yet? Good. Let's turn this meeting over to General Fifi, my Sommelier, so she can go over the plans to invade and conquer your liver:

    ------------------------------------------

    War Is Hell

    Ingredients:

    1 part Vodka
    1 part Cherry vodka
    1 part Amaretto
    1 part Sloe gin
    1 part Southern Comfort
    2 parts Sweet and sour
    4 parts 7-Up

    Mixing instructions:

    Mix all parts together and serve cold!

    ------------------------------------------

    Hostilities exist. There is no blinking at the fact that our people, our territory and our interests are in grave danger. But none of that will matter after you've had three or four of these. The only thing you have to fear is fear itself! And maybe Cirrhosis. And of course, ObamaCare. And Gay Marriage. And Class Envy.

    Well, OK, you have lots of things to fear but try to shove them to the back of your mind so you can enjoy tonight's Featured Party Game: Binders Full Of Girls Dressed like WACs And WAVES Oil Wrestling Each Other. Who will win? The Army or Navy? Does it matter? No, it does not. With confidence in our armed forces—with the unbounding determination of our people—we will gain the inevitable triumph—so help us God.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Wednesday, April 9th, 2014
    8:11 am
    VOTE VOTE VOTE, Volume II
    If you're still wondering how you should vote this November or if you're wondering if you should even vote at all, can you do one thing for me? All I want you to do is compare this story, 20 injured in Pittsburgh-area high school stabbings, authorities say (http://www.cnn.com/2014/04/09/justice/pennsylvania-school-stabbing/index.html?hpt=hp_t1) to this story, Sandy Hook shooting: What happened? Twenty-six people -- 20 students and six adults -- were shot and killed at the Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut on December 14. Details continue to emerge about what precisely happened. Below is a timeline of events that compiles the latest reporting. FULL COVERAGE (http://www.cnn.com/interactive/2012/12/us/sandy-hook-timeline/).

    In the former you will see that there were 20 injuries as the result of someone attacking a school with a knife and in the latter, 26 people were killed when someone attacked a school with several guns. Admittedly, neither one is good but which would you rather have more of? More importantly, do you want the people who keep telling you that even if all guns were eliminated, people would just use other weapons and it would be just as bad to stay in power?

    Granted, one or two of those stabbing victims might still die but the odds of all 20 of them dying is are practically zero. And there's a pretty good chance that all of them will survive. The bottom line is that guns are far more dangerous than anything else any average lunatic is going to use to try to kill a lot of people. Yes, there are still bombs yes, but that's a different conversation because anyone who has access to bombs isn't going to bother using guns in the first place.

    So it all comes down to this: Do you want to keep the people who say that more guns keep you safer in positions where their opinions could one day kill you or or your kids? Or both? If they want to say that our right to have guns is worth a lot of people, including a lot of little kids, dying every year, that's a valid argument but make them use it rather than continuing to let them cop out with outright lies like, "The only thing that stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun." And, "Guns keep us safe."

    Make them use real facts and then if everyone decides that kids being killed is worth it to keep people like Ted Nugent heavily armed then so be it. At least the debate will be honest. I'm a hopeless optimist so I believe people will choose to bring in a little more gun control but even I admit that the only way that's going to happen is if the Democrats start winning big in every race.

    Oh, before I forget, there have been some other knife attacks you can look at if you're thinking this is a once in a lifetime deal. Like this one, Mass knife attacks, like at Texas college, are rare (http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2013/04/09/knife-attacks-lone-star-college/2069347/). You'll notice that in this one, 14 people were wounded. No one died.

    Yeah, our biggest problem is that we have people who want to do things like this but the first step to making things even a little better seems to be making guns hard to get. And if we elect Democrats---Lord knows there's tons of problems with them but at least they're on the right track where a lot of things are concerned and what the Republicans are right about isn't even statistically significant. They are as wrong about guns as they are about economics and social issues.

    Like I just said, the Democrats are way far from perfect but compared to the alternative, they couldn't be more perfect. So go out and vote for them. The life you save may be your own kid's.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Monday, April 7th, 2014
    7:45 am
    It Does Happen, Yeah
    ***

    Howdy. Take your shoes off, set a spell and enjoy this, The Only Review Of The Ole Timey Country Down Home Red State Update Podcast 'n' 'Em, Episode 73: Totally Golden Hair You'll Ever Need. If y'all don't have time to read my official definitive Review, here's the gist of the Podcast, from the Red State Update Web Site:

    Jackie and Dunlap discuss April Fool's Day, Russell Crowe movies, and their PTL Clip of the Week, Mickey Rooney on the PTL Club: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J7UmP_5xfwg (Go to 35 minutes in for the angel busboy story).

    Sponsored (again) by Hosewater ("One Sip Keeps It Simple") and Master of Disguise Dom Podge's Tax Whiz.



    Direct download: Episode_73__Totally_Golden_Hair.mp3
    Category:general -- posted at: 4:00 AM


    http://redstateupdate.libsyn.com/

    ***


    A lot of folks are asking, "How in tarnation did Jackie & Dunlap know that Mickey Rooney was going to die?" If you're one of them, you should stop. Right now. Unless you want a visit from the MIC's. MIC's are the Men In Camo. They're the Southern Division of the Men In Black. If you're thinking that's kind of wasteful and wondering why the US government is spending lots of your hard earned tax dollars to give the Southern MIB a different uniform when ordinary black suits are fine for the rest of the world, you can blame ObamaCare if you want.

    But you'll be wrong. Because, believe it or not, this is the one waste of your money that wasn't caused by ObamaCare. See, back in 1947, the MIB did open a field office in Atlanta to service the whole Southeast and everything went fine for a couple of weeks until someone noticed the B in MIB stands for Black.

    After that, there were so many unexplained accidents and fires at the MIB Atlanta Field Office that the home office in Washington decided to surrender and on August 16, 1947, the whole shebang was moved to Belt Buckle, Tennessee and the uniform was changed to camo hunting clothes. And everyone was happy. Even the folks who had to sit in the back of the bus. If you don't believe me, just ask Phil Robertson.

    But don't ask him how Jackie & Dunlap knew that Mickey Rooney was going to die yesterday. Why can't you ever leave well enough alone? Why can't you just be glad that J & D used their power for good instead of evil? They didn't alarm or scare anyone. They just presented their tribute to Mickey, while he was still around to enjoy it. For a whole six days.

    Why can't you be more like that? Why do you always to have to go shooting your mouth off about the strange flashing lights you thought you saw the last time you went fishing and the time you went out to the woodshed to get an arm full of logs cause the fire was going out and you imagined you found a four foot tall green guy with a ray gun? Will you ever learn to know when to shut up?

    And now you want to make it all worse by accusing Jackie & Dunlap of being Sorcerers? Mind readers? Psychics? Seers? Prophets? Time Travelers? You don't really want an up close and personal demonstration of all those machines Jackie builds from all those bicycle parts he salvages from his dumpster, do you?

    My advice to you, friend, is to just go home and turn on TCM because any minute now, Robert Osborne (http://robertosborne.com/) is going to start an Andy Hardy marathon and not only will it keep you entertained but it'll keep you out of trouble. You'll learn a thing or two, too.

    Pour yourself a nice tall glass of Hose Water and relax. I like to add a shot or two of Slott Cider, you know, just to spice it up a little, especially at times like this. But you grieve any way you want to and take all the time you want. Just as long as you don't go down to Pre-Greeters and tell everyone and their brother all about what you think you saw the time you snuck into the basement of Jackie's Market.

    You're probably also wondering why Slott Cider and Hose Water don't team up for some sort of mega promotion the same way Doritos and Taco Bell did, but that's another question you shouldn't ask. Just trust me. You'll know when you're supposed to know. Now, git! Y'all come back now, ya hear?

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Sunday, April 6th, 2014
    7:08 am
    The Next One I'm Not Going To Write
    It occurred to me while watching Anti-Pi Rant, 3/14/14 on YouTube (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5iUh_CSjaSw) that if Pi

    really repeats forever, eventually there will be huge strings of zeros and ones and sooner or later, we should have a

    complete Shakespeare play spelled out in binary code. It's the old A Million Monkeys At A Million Typewriters For A Million Years

    theory, which a lot of really smart people believe to be true. But the thing about this is that, if it is true, it won't be limited to a

    single play. Everything that we can possibly imagine should be in it. Including semi-useful items like the cure for cancer and

    the formula for world peace. As well as some really important things like the 11 secret herbs and spices used by KFC and the

    formula for Coke.

    *

    All that thinking led me to another thought: This would make a great novel. So I am making it so by writing The Girl Who

    Used Pi. Yeah, I don't like it either but get off my back cause that's only the working title. More likely, I'll call it The Pi App

    because that's the mechanism by which the Secrets Of Pi (Another more likely title) are unlocked.

    *

    There will, of course, have to be a couple of very unlikely lucky breaks for the protagonist at the beginning to make the plot

    viable. That's because infinite knowledge of this kind isn't really as useful as it sounds. For example, you can ask for the New

    York Times edition for December 1, 2018 and it will be awesome when you get it but the problem is that you won't get just one.

    After all the garbled, nonsensical hits have been screened out, you'll still get millions of possibilities, some more convincing than

    others but until you actually get to December 1, 2018, you won't know which one of them is right.

    *

    Another thing you can't do it with it is determine whether or not your Significant Other is cheating on you because you'll get

    scores of credible answers that say both yes and no. Same thing with who's going to win the World Series, the Super Bowl and

    the Kentucky Derby. And the stock market. Etc etc etc. Which led the discoverer of the Pi App to declare, after her initial

    couple of lucky breaks, that it is the Earthly manifestation of Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle that was sent to her personally

    by Satan just to vex her.

    *

    She's overreacting a little because she does have the real recipes for Coke and KFC chicken---She had to try the most likely

    ones in her own kitchen to find the real ones but she did it---and a few other useful things, not to mention billions of dollars

    because everyone in the world wants the App, which sells for $3.14. But what she's finding is that it isn't providing all the things

    that she thinks will make her happy. I'll fully illustrate that with tons of tacked on romantic and personal subplots.

    *

    I'll also leave you shaking your head in confused wonder by her not being made happy by the best thing the Pi App does best:

    A never ending stream of brand new Kurt Vonnegut novels. You might have some sort of mental defect that leaves you less

    impressed than I am over that but it's a minor detail because you can pick any writer, alive or dead and with a simple

    algorithm that determines literary styles to weed out the ones that would just waste your time, the Pi App will give you all the

    brand new books by any author that you will ever need.

    *

    You can stop writing Stephen King every morning, demanding to know when his next one is going to be released (Unrelated

    side note: I just finished Dr. Sleep and you can expect my definitive review any day now) because you've already finished

    everything he has ever written. You can just go to the Pie App and get 50 of them at a time. All brand new.

    *

    That's pretty much all I need to tell you at this point. Except for one last thing for those millions of you who worship Alex Jones.

    I'm not going to throw your business under the bus, so be expecting lots of Illuminati type people in black helicopters and hiding

    behind top secret invisibility cloaks to be doing everything in their power to steal, discredit and suppress the Pi App.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Red State Update: Episode 40: This Ain't My First Racist Ro
    Saturday, April 5th, 2014
    9:40 am
    It's First Contact Day---Live Long And Prosper, You Bastards
    If you aren't a big Star Trek fan, you probably don't know that this, April 5, is First Contact Day, the day in 2063, when a Vulcan ship, the T’Plana-Hath will land in Bozeman, Montana at around 11 PM and set the stage for Earth joining The United Federation of Planets. And even if you are a big Star Trek fan, you might still dismiss the whole thing as nothing but an entertaining piece of fiction but should you do that?

    I don't know. I'm just a humble Greeting Cards Salesman/Part-Time Pulitzer Prize Winning Writer, Director, Producer And Sometimes Actor. Mostly, I'm just like Howard Beale (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Howard_Beale_(Network)). I know that everything is bad and getting worse but I don't know what to tell you to do about it. Aside from the obvious---Vote for Democrats this November and support WOLF-PAC (http://www.wolf-pac.com/) all you can---I just know, the same way Howard did, that you have to get mad.

    Or, to be more accurate in this case, you have to get informed. But I still understand where Howard was coming from because most of the time, getting mad is a natural and almost indistinguishable byproduct of getting informed. If you saw Bill's interview with Captain Paul Watson (http://www.seashepherd.org/who-we-are/captain-paul-watson.html) last night on Real Time (http://www.hbo.com/real-time-with-bill-maher#/), you know exactly what I'm talking about.

    If you missed Real Time last night, let give you the Reader's Digest Condensed version: Bill asked if there are people alive right now will be around when human life on Earth finally ends and the answer was, probably. Bill also noted that if he had kids, he would be pretty concerned about that. I fully agree with that. If you have kids, you should be the most alarmed. Followed by the rest of us who decided that creating new people to go through this madness wasn't the right thing to do because many of us will also still be here to see the end.

    I'm fifty years old and expecting to expire from natural causes any day now but I also know that you can't trust death. Odd things happen on a regular basis and I could still be here in 2048---Which is about the last year, give or take a couple, we can expect to be around if the oceans start dying and they already are and we aren't making any kind of serious effort to save them.

    So, yeah, even people as old as me should be worried about this. Even if you're a Conservative. Yes, the next time someone like Rush (http://www.rushlimbaugh.com/) talks about Environmental Wackos, I suggest you solve the problem by shouting him down. Not an easy task, admittedly, because he has such a big mouth but there are more of you than there are of him and you can do it.

    That alone won't save the world but it will demonstrate that you are finally mad and that's the first step to recovery. And maybe, with any luck at all, Salvation. From a horrible mass extinction that will include us. Speaking of Salvation, if you're still laboring under the delusion that Jesus is going to ride in on a silver unicorn or whatever and escort you to Heaven when this all goes down, get over it, cause it ain't gonna happen.

    Even if there is a real Jesus, and unlike most Atheists, I admit there could be, how much more proof do you need to see that He does not care about you and will not rescue from a disaster you brought on yourself? Be honest with yourself for the first time ever and concede that you have to build your own stairway to Heaven if you ever wanna get there. The Republican's call it Bootstrapping. So stop being lazy and get to work!

    Dumping your shiftless, irresponsible attitude about Divine bailouts and admitting that there is no God seems to be your best course of action. Even if you ultimately turn out to be wrong. I would love to go on talking about how stupidly wrong you are about religion---Even if you are right and I'm wrong about it, which must be even more infuriating---but the time has come to get a little less off topic by returning to First Contact Day.

    Or so says my Editor-In Chief. She also reminds me that you shouldn't just brush off First Contact Day as just an entertaining piece of fiction because of the eerie way science fiction writers have of being right (Or is that write?) about the future? There are too many instances of it for me to go over them here but here is a place to start if you want to look into it yourself: 10 Science Fiction Novels That Correctly Predicted The Future (http://www.businessinsider.com/books-that-predicted-the-future-2013-9?op=1).

    If you're a lazy religious person, remember, Jesus isn't going to posses your iPad and do the work for you. You have to click the links yourself and read the web sites. I know, it doesn't sound fair but that's life. If it helps any, you will be rewarded for your effort. Not in Heaven but right here and now with this, the Theme Drink that Fifi, my Sommelier, invented to celebrate First Contact Day, 2014:

    ----------------------------------------------

    Space Oddity

    Ingredients:

    1 shot Bacardi 151 proof rum or Myer's Rum
    1 shot Malibu rum
    1 shot Pineapple juice
    Orange juice
    Dash Grenadine
    Cherries

    Mixing instructions:

    Fill glass with ice and add shots of Bacardi and Malibu. Add splash of pineapple juice and top with orange juice. Add grenadine for color and garnish with cherries.

    ----------------------------------------------

    But that's not all. We also have tonight's Featured Party Game: Binders Full Of Girls Wearing Those Really Short Star Fleet Uniforms. Your mission is to determine which of them are armed with phasers and which of them want to be explored where no one has gone before. A word of advice before you begin, these girls are from all over the Galaxy and the one thing you need to keep in mind is that Vulcan's never bluff. Good luck and as the Klingons say, "QuvlljDaq yIH tu'be'lu'jaj!"

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Red State Update: Episode 40: This Ain't My First Racist Ro
    Friday, April 4th, 2014
    6:10 am
    It's Friday, You Bastards
    Did you see Paul Ryan's April Fool's Day prank? It was one of the best ever but the thing about Paul is that he could have released this, Mr. Ryan’s Faith-Based Budget (http://www.nytimes.com/2014/04/02/opinion/mr-ryans-faith-based-budget.html?_r=1) on any day of the year and it would still have been the best April Fool's Day prank. Of course, if you're not in favor of supporting welfare queens who refuse to work for a living---defense contractors, CEO's, the 1% of the 1% etc--- at your own expense, you might not find it so funny.

    Until you remind yourself that Paul is a Republican and that means he has no chance of ever making his budget a reality. When Gerrymandering finally fails, he won't even be able to keep his own job. That'll be a minor concern if the French Revolution 2.0 starts in the meantime because in that scenario, he won't even be able to keep his own head. As a general rule, I don't like the idea of blood thirsty tribunals chopping off heads and asking questions later because they almost always tend to go just a little too far but I would be very hard pressed to find fault with any organization that would rid us of diseases like Paul Ryan.

    If I had my way, they would all be made exhibits in zoos---Preferably ones run by zookeepers who trained at the Copenhagen Zoo (You remember, it's the one that killed the giraffe: http://www.cnn.com/2014/02/09/world/europe/denmark-zoo-giraffe/). You know, that's what Hitler was most afraid of. He said, shortly before disappearing (You can believe the false story that he shot himself if you want or the truth, which was that he escaped through Switzerland, whichever one makes you feel better) that he did not want to become an exhibit in a Moscow zoo and I suspect that guys like Paul Ryan would find it less desirable than being dead, too.

    Unfortunately for them, on the off chance they would rather live in a zoo, I'm not the type to go around arguing with angry mobs bearing torches, pitchforks and axes. I'm the type who stands aside and lets them behead whoever they want as long as it doesn't get out of hand. And during a violent revolution, I have a pretty liberal definition of "Out of hand." As long as you're not taking the residents of old folk's homes and orphanages for new victims, I'm pretty much OK with whatever you want to do.

    But if you're asking for my vote, I'd rather see you put them in zoos. Tax payer supported free admission national zoos that welcome everyone. Then when they die---Of old age, mistreatment or whatever else and it might happen fairly quickly if Marie Antoinette was right when she said, "When kings become prisoners, they have not long to live."---they could be stuffed and exhibited in museums. That would be awesome.

    I don't know when all this beheading and/or caging in zoos is gonna happen. I only know that it will happen. Unless the Paul Ryan's of the world smarten up and do a whole lot of changing, as well as making a whole lot of very belated restitution's but what are the odds of that? Not very likely at all if Mr. Ryan's April Fool's Day Budget is anything to go by.

    All the major indicators are screaming that The French Revolution 2.0 is going to happen any day now but still, it may not happen in my lifetime so, to try to speed things up, I'm lobbying Reince Priebus really hard to make, "Let them eat cake!" the official Republican slogan for 2016. And I'm pulling for Jim Wheeler to be their candidate. You remember Jim, don't you? He's the one who said he'd bring back slavery (Nevada GOP Rep: If My Constituents Wanted Me To, I’d Vote To Bring Back Slavery: http://www.addictinginfo.org/2013/10/29/nevada-jim-wheeler-bring-back-slavery/).

    Can you believe that they still have no clue as to why everyone calls them racist? We don't even have to bring up Martin Luther King, who died today (April 4) in 1968 because we let these people run free. That's one of the many reasons why our new motto needs to be, "Republicans make great zoo exhibits!"

    OK, now that I've solved all our political problems for the week, as well as giving you a great reason to go to the zoo just as soon as they stick Ann Coulter in a cage---Which will technically make it more of a sideshow than a zoo but who's counting?---, I'm going to move directly to the next item on the agenda, which is getting this party started. By bringing out Fifi, my Sommelier, so she can introduce the Theme Drink she invented for tonight:

    --------------------------------

    The Moscow Zoo

    Ingredients:

    1 oz Malibu rum
    1 oz Spiced rum (Captain Morgan's)
    1 oz Light rum
    2 1/2 oz Orange juice
    2 1/2 oz Pineapple juice
    3/4 oz Grenadine
    Mixing instructions:

    Mix liquor, juice, and grenadine. Shake well. Strain into ice filled highball glass.

    --------------------------------

    How can a drink called "The Moscow Zoo" not have any vodka in it? I don't know. You'll have to take that up with Fifi. Or you could stop worrying about it and just enjoy tonight's Featured Party Game: Binders Full Of Girls Dressed Like French Peasants. Your goal is figure out which of them have guillotines. Before it's too late. Liberté, Egalité, Fraternité!

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Thursday, April 3rd, 2014
    7:46 am
    Does Anyone Still Listen To The NRA?
    I don't know about you but if this keeps up...This was the third shooting in the last five years to happen on a US military installation: Fort Hood shooter was Iraq vet being treated for mental health issues (http://www.cnn.com/2014/04/02/us/fort-hood-shooter-profile/index.html?hpt=hp_t1)...I''m going to have to start taking what the NRA (http://home.nra.org/) says with a grain or two of salt. Especially when they say that the only thing that will stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. Because where do people have more guns than on an Army base? Well, except for Ted Nugent's house but aside from that?

    They also say that allowing everyone to buy guns, including those with mental illnesses, keeps us safer. If that were true, wouldn't the .45-caliber semi-automatic pistol that Ivan Lopez bought (Apparently because the Army took away the guns they gave him cause why else would he go out and buy a gun?) have saved four people instead of killing them and wounding 16 more? I'm asking you gun nuts out there to forgive me, cause again, I'm seeing a little credibility gap.

    I'm also wondering if Guns Galore---the very same store where Maj. Nidal Hasan bought the gun he used in his 2009 shooting at Ft Hood---should be shut down. If not for not following the rules---They claim they did nothing illegal and it seems that they didn't---then for being a clear and present danger to US soldiers.

    I guess if I were to boil it all down, the one thing I'm thinking right now is this question: Is anyone still listening to the NRA? And if they are, why?

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Tuesday, April 1st, 2014
    8:14 am
    It's April Fool's Day, You Bastards
    The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being, but to remind him that he is already degraded.

    ~~~George Orwell


    April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.

    ~~~Mark Twain, Pudd'nhead Wilson


    The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.

    ~~~Will Rogers


    ***

    Last year---2013 on the calendar that was in use as I write this---many people were upset about Christmas. It's getting too big, they said. It's going to devour Thanksgiving, they panicked. It was as if Svengoolie (http://svengoolie.com/) had gotten tired of merely showing horror movies so he staged a coup d'état, seized power and started making everyone live a monster movie: King Christmas, the holiday that escaped and took over the world.

    Predictably, the unfortunate, mostly naked, blonde girl then decided that the most prudent thing to do was to retreat to the dark scary attic. Instead of listening to the hero, me, who had the solution to the problem. If she had stayed with me instead of running up the stairs, I would have told her that Christmas could again to be returned to its' old prison of Black Friday thru New Year's Day by simply drastically raising the minimum wage, shortening the full time work week to 30 hours, making overtime pay double time instead of time and a half, forbidding mandatory overtime and imposing blood curdling guilty until proven innocent penalties for violating any of those measures. I call it the Stand Your Ground Act For Ordinary People Being Ripped Off By Corporations, because that's the whole crux of the problem.

    No one really cared about Christmas getting too big. What the poor girl and the rest of her doomed friends really cared about were the people being forced to work on a holiday for poverty wages and what the monster would do to them once it was finished with the first course. What the nearly nude heroine---We could focus on any of the victims but come on, we're trying to sell tickets here---did next was to ignore my offer of a suitable weapon to fight back and instead, ripped off what was left of her bra and ran up the steps to the dark scary attic. Cut! That's a wrap! Roll credits.

    And now, today, April 1, 2014 as the current calendar says, we are in the front row watching the sequel: April Fool's Day---The Carnage Continues. And it's way scarier than Christmas. Don't be misled by the hype. This monster didn't just show up. It's eternal, existing outside of time, just like God and Madonna and it merely reinvents itself every few years, so from the perspective of a typical human lifetime of 80 or so years, it only appears to be brand new. And maybe not so scary.

    But make no mistake and don't be distracted. Christmas is harmless. This is the holiday to worry about. And it's been many many years since it was confined to a single day. Do you ever watch FOX News or listen to Rush Limbaugh? Every day of the year is now April Fool's Day and the pranks aren't harmless. If all you had to worry about were whoopie cushions and dribble glasses, you could declare victory and proclaim that we don't need Heaven because Earth is so great but no.

    If you don't believe me, dig up a copy of Rush's show from this morning and listen to him talk about how ObamaCare is the most hated law in American history and it will be repealed. Eventually. Then think about how he still manages to control the House even though he only has four listeners, all of whom are over 80. Then be afraid, very afraid, of April Fool's Day. Especially on Election Day this November. But do that on your own time.

    This is a holiday and we have a party we need to get started. That means it's time to bring out Fifi, my Sommelier, out here so she can present the Theme Drink she invented for tonight:

    ------------------------------

    Poisson d’Avril

    Ingredients:

    2 oz Vodka
    1/2 oz Lime juice cordial
    1/2 oz Vermouth
    Lime peel

    Mixing instructions:

    Pour Vodka, Vermouth and lime cordial into shaker over ice. Shake with care not to bruise. Strain into chilled cocktail (martini) glass. Garnish with lime peel (zest).

    ------------------------------

    If you want to make this one yourself and give it even more of an April Fool's Day kick, you can, in addition to the lime zest, add a few very thin shavings from a bar of Zest Soap (http://www.zest.com/). Talk about good clean fun. Speaking which, it's now time to start playing tonight's Featured Party Game: Binders Full Of Girls. The object of the game is to fool them before they can fool you. Good luck!

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Wednesday, March 26th, 2014
    7:03 am
    Religion, Beer, TV & Kingons
    Shortly after we found out that masses of kids are turning their backs on organized religion (Staggering number of young people leave religion over gay rights: http://www.gaystarnews.com/article/staggering-number-young-people-leave-religion-over-gay-rights260214), the Mormons decided to speed things up with this: Mormons Declare War on Masturbation (http://www.dailykos.com/story/2014/02/22/1279622/-Mormons-Declare-War-on-Masturbation). This puts me in the very rare position of being able to say that I am in 100% agreement with the Mormon Church. At least as far as this war on masturbation goes, because I completely with any and all measures that hasten the once and for all demise of any cult.

    Currently, according to Wikipedia, there are 15 million Mormons in the world and if this war even reduces that number to ten million, it will be worth it. Then it will be small, small enough to drown in a bathtub, if you will, and we can wipe out the remnants simply by reminding everyone that Mitt Romney is Mormon.

    And I know that will be the end of just one cult and there are still plenty of others but the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. And given the rate that the other Christ Cults are killing themselves, this is probably only going to be about 800 miles instead of a thousand, anyway. We'll be there before we know it!

    In the meantime, while there is still time to do so, I want to point out the irony of a bunch of jerk-off's telling other people to not jerk-off. Now, that that's out of the way, I want to talk for a moment about beer. And television. And what happens when you combine them, which is this: Drink Like A Klingon Warrior With 'Star Trek'-Inspired Beer (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/25/star-trek-klingon-warnog_n_5030301.html).

    That's not the first Star Trek Beer of course, because there is also Vulcan Ale (http://www.federationofbeer.com/), but Vulcan Ale is still only available in Canada and if you ask any Klingon, they'll tell you that there is really only one Star Trek Beer. If you can't locate any actual Klingons, don't worry, because we have two Earthlings that are nearly identical to Klingons, except they're a lot more brutal, Charles and David Koch.

    And they know a lot about beer. They've even adopted it as one of their weapons: Beer Offensive: The Koch Brothers Try to Bribe College Students Not to Sign Up for Obamacare with Brewskies (http://www.alternet.org/tea-party-and-right/beer-offensive-koch-brothers-try-bribe-college-students-not-sign-obamacare). OK, Klingons are also a million times smarter than Dave and Charlie, too, cause when you defeat a Klingon, he knows it. But otherwise, you'd be very hard pressed to find any differences. So if you can't find a real Klingon to answer all your Star Trek beer questions, ask a Koch.

    Just one more thing. Do you think the Koch's will ever team up with the Mormons and try to get drunk college kids to stop masturbating? They should. It would be far from the most hopelessly stupid crusade either group has ever tried.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Monday, March 24th, 2014
    6:54 am
    Fire, Brimstone & Bumperstickers
    So it was that the beggar died, and was carried by the angels to Abraham's bosom. The rich man also died and was buried.

    ~~~Luke 16:22~~~


    I don't know exactly why I, an Atheist, am starting out this way this morning---Maybe it's a simple straight forward case of being channeled by Fred Phelps or maybe it's more complicated and harder to solve like the missing airplane---but I am and the above is just a friendly reminder to those of you who think you are going to Heaven just because you voted for Mitt Romney that you aren't. Rather, just like the rich man who wouldn't give Lazarus any food, you're going to go straight to Hell! HELL! Where you will suffer at the hands of sadistic Demons for all eternity!

    God is onto you and He disapproves of everything you say, do and think, so pack your asbestos underwear! Read Luke and Corinthians for more details! And Dante's Inferno. Think of them as your travel guide for the Afterlife. Abandon hope, all ye who enter here! As Dan Aykroyd once put it, you're screwed, blued and tattooed.

    OK, now the mysterious fire and brimstone force that was plaguing me is abating so let's talk about bumper stickers. Starting with the one currently being offered by the cult that has condemned it's followers to eternal damnation: http://www.gop.com/act/obamacosts-bumper-sticker?utm_medium=email&utm_source=email&utm_campaign=ACA_obamacosts_bumper-sticker&utm_content=0321obamacostsemailresendsla. That's right, Republicans, you can get another completely untrue piece of propaganda for only a $4 donation.

    OR, you can get a completely free bumper sticker from a real political party: http://www.barackobama.com/free-obamacare-sticker/. Of course, you can also donate to the Democrats there, too, but I have a better idea. If you have a few dollars burning a hole in your pocket, put them where they will do the most good, Wolf PAC: http://www.wolf-pac.com/.

    Get money out of politics. End the practice of legal bribes. Shift the balance of power so that our politicians start working for us. Corporations are NOT people, my friend! And if you can't give money, check out the other ways you help. This is one thing that can be done if we all pull together.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Sunday, March 23rd, 2014
    10:19 am
    Sour Tea And Boiled Wood Sap
    As usual, I spent a lot of this Sunday morning listening to The Best Of The Sean Hannity Show on the Nazi Station (http://www.woc1420.com/main.html). And just as usual, I was completely perplexed. Sean spent a great deal of time talking about how he would solve the Crimea Crisis. He said he would put missiles in Turkey and Poland and then approve the Keystone Pipeline and allow drilling anywhere and everywhere---So he could ruin Russia's economy.

    He had a third step that I no longer remember but I would feel safe in betting that it had to do with praying to the band of imaginary fairies that live under his bed for the strength to kill all the evil Godless Commies. Anyway, the third step, whatever it was, doesn't matter because it was the first two that perplexed me.

    As for the first step, it's just a massive waste of money because we already have way more than enough missiles based right here in the US and on subs to destroy Russia several times over. And even if that didn't work, we could bomb Moscow with carrier and even US based planes. So why is someone who claims to be a Fiscal Conservative proposing that we spend a lot of money on something we don't need---Even if we did decide to destroy Russia and ourselves in the process---and will only further enrich defense contractors?

    But it was the second step that I found most confounding. Why should we further ruin the environment to tap a resource that won't last (At least according to the oil companies, oil is a scarce nonrenewable resource) when he could be advocating for Hemp instead? I would expect that someone who is rapidly anti-government and regulation and pro free market competion---As Sean claims to be---would be screaming and yelling for the right to grow Hemp right here.

    But Sean and the rest of the Rush Clones (http://www.rushlimbaugh.com/) aren't screaming that at all. All they want is the continued support of old outdated industries that we know are killing the planet. So their other old rich white guys like them can get even more rich, without the bother of having to compete with a superior product. At our expense.

    Hence my perplexion. And to make things even worse, I am further perplexed at how to say how upset I am with the Conservatives in a new and original way. Or at least I was until I saw Ralfy's (http://www.youtube.com/user/ralfystuff) latest video. That's when I realized that instead repeating myself by calling the Conservatives what I usually call them, I could say they are just like a bottle Benriach 1998 PX Triple Distilled Malt Whisky. Difficult, raw, ill-mannered and tasting of sour tea and boiled wood sap.

    So, I would like to say thanks to Ralfy for giving me the perfect descriptors for American Conservatives. And the only other thing I have left to say is really a question: Why aren't more Americans demanding that we get in the Hemp business right now? And one last thing. If you aren't familiar with what Hemp can do, do some research. Here a couple of good articles to get you started: Want to replace oil? GROW HEMP!!!! (http://aggravated.blogspot.com/2008/06/want-to-replace-oil-grow-hemp.html) & Hemp to Potentially Replace Reliance on Fossil Fuels (http://www.hemp.com/2011/04/hemp-to-potentially-replace-reliance-on-fossil-fuels/).

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Red State Update: Episode 40: This Ain't My First Racist Ro
    Friday, March 21st, 2014
    7:03 am
    It's Friday, You Bastards
    I hope you're still wearing your lucky "Kiss Me, I'm Irish" underwear, cause we're still celebrating the start of Spring---Even though it doesn't fell much like Spring, seeing how it's only 49 (9 C) right now---and they just might come in handy here in a little while. That applies to everyone but for those of you in my Conservative Base, I want to go a step further and recommend that you not change your lucky "Kiss Me, I'm Irish" underwear until after the election in November. Because you need all the help you can get.

    Yes, I'm talking about Susanne Atanus (Susanne Atanus, Who Blames Gay Rights For Tornadoes, Wins GOP Nomination For Congress: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/19/susanne-atanus-congress-_n_4993555.html). The woman who makes Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann look sane, rational and normal. I will say one thing for her, though, she does have her finger firmly on the pulse of the three or four people who will vote for her in the General Election because she's perfectly parroting all the inane Letters To The Editor that show up regularly in the papers here in the Quad Cities. And if that's who you're running in Illinois...And not just Illinois, she's running in the 9th Congressional District, which is in the Chicago area, for God's sake...I can only imagine who you're running in places like Alabama and Texas.

    Like I said, you need all the help you can get. And maybe I am getting over confident and November won't go quite the way it should, despite candidates like Susanne Atanus but I can afford it. I'm over 50 now and the odds of me living another six months are extremely low. I am in that wonderful stage of life where I don't even need lucky underwear. I can count my chickens before they're hatched with full immunity!

    Sorry. I didn't mean to brag like that and make you feel depressed about being young. If it makes you feel any better, people your age die all the time too, look at what just happened to Courtney Cash (Courtney Cash, grandniece of Johnny Cash, found dead in a box: http://www.cnn.com/2014/03/20/justice/johnny-cash-grandniece-dead/index.html?hpt=hp_t2). That doesn't make you feel better? Well, at least I tried.

    You're lucky you're wearing your lucky "Kiss Me, I'm Irish" underwear, too, because I could have gone the other way and instead of trying to cheer you up, I could have rubbed your misfortune in your nose by playing Johnny Cash's Folsom Prison Blues, which isn't really about prison at all but is instead a statement about life in general. But if you want to ignore the metaphor and treat it at face value as a song about being stuck in prison, please remember that it does make sense because there is a Reno Junction in California. I point that out because too many critics say the song makes no sense because they just assume that the Reno in the song, which is where the crime takes place, is the one in Nevada and Folsom Prison is in California and why would Nevada send its' prisoners to California?

    And since Reno Junction was shortened to Reno to fit the rhyme scheme and meter, the song is completely logical any way you look at it. See, kids? It pays to learn geography! Especially if you're a music critic. Aren't you glad I managed to live this long? Of course you are but save those platitudes cause we need to get this party started. So let's get Fifi, my Sommelier, out here so she can unveil the Theme Drink she invented for tonight:

    -------------------------------------

    Spring Dreams

    Ingredients:

    1 1/2 oz Blueberry schnapps
    1 splash 7-Up
    1 tsp Grenadine
    6 oz Grape juice
    1 oz Vodka

    Mixing instructions:

    Shake all ingredients except the 7-Up and pour over ice into the glass. Add a splash of 7-Up and stir carefully: don't kill the carbonation.

    -------------------------------------

    OK, now you should be reasonably able to pretend that it's Spring even though it's way too cold outside. And even if you can't, this should help, tonight's Featured Party Game: Binders Full Of Girls Wearing "Kiss Me, It's Finally Spring!" Underwear. It might not be as lucky as your underwear but play anyway and find out.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
    Thursday, March 20th, 2014
    9:27 am
    It's The First Day Of Spring, You Bastards
    ***

    'The most hated man in America' dies

    Fred Phelps, founder of Westboro Baptist Church, seemed to relish the label. "If I had nobody mad at me," he was quoted as saying, "what right would I have to claim that I was preaching the Gospel?" FULL STORY

    http://www.cnn.com/2014/03/20/us/westboro-church-founder-dead/index.html?hpt=hp_c2


    ***

    Can you believe it's the first day of Spring already? You might not think it is if you go outside cause it's only 51 degrees here right now (That's 11 C if you're still using the Metric System) but the headlines, mostly the one I reprinted above, tell a different story. In the news, it's 82 (27.7778 C) and sunny. Because Fred Phelps is finally dead. Yep, I've overcome my recent confusion over whether or not to be happy about that (It's Election Day, You Bastards: http://www.friendburst.com/blog/115562/its-election-day-you-bastards-2/) by pretending that it doesn't exist.

    Some people are going to call that Unfair Situational Denial but really, it's pragmatism. I'm really old now and I simply don't have time for ethical dilemmas. If you're afflicted with religion, you can even call it a bonus gift from God. It's like you won both Showcases on the Price Is Right. You get the Spring Equinox Of 2014 AND the chance to dance on Fred Phelps grave both in the same day.

    And given Fred's feelings, I recommend that the grave dancing be done by Lesbian strippers. That will also appease my Conservative friends who say we Liberals have no respect for anything, including the dead, because I don't know about you, but I would visit cemeteries a lot more often if they featured strippers.

    And booze. Speaking of which, here is Fifi, my Sommelier, with the Theme Drink she invented for today:

    ---------------------------------------

    Spring Feeling

    Ingredients:

    1 oz Gin
    1/2 oz Green Chartreuse
    1 tbsp Lemon juice

    Mixing instructions:

    Shake all ingredients with ice, strain into a cocktail glass, and serve.

    ---------------------------------------

    This would be a whole lot better if Fifi had obeyed my edict forbidding anyone from producing, using, possessing or consuming Gin because it tastes like rancid pine needles but I'm not letting that ruin my Spring Equinox. I'll deal with her later. Right now, I'm just going to relax and enjoy today's Featured Party Game: Binders Full Of Girls Honoring Dionysus With Bread Phalluses.

    Some of you nitpickers are going to point out that the Alter looks more like the Shower Stage at Daisy Dooks (http://www.ddooks.com/daisydooksD/index.html) than a traditional Alter but you must remember that Dionysus is the God Of Fertility, as well as the God of ritual madness and ecstasy, so you should just respect His wishes. Now, if you're through complaining, let the Equinox begin!

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Dwyer & Michaels---97X FM, Davenport, IA
[ << Previous 20 ]
About Blurty.com