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Long time, no post [16 Oct 2003|09:41am]
[ mood | mellow ]

I've been avoidy, as always. Everyone has been .. at least with these journals. Noone really updates these things a lot, huh? Well, if you haven't heard all these news here you go: Dawn and I are fine now. There are still times that aren't as comfortable as it used to be but, we're fine. Buffy and I the other day managed to take a whole hour our of each others lives and go for a mocha. Willow, was gone somewhere so we couldn't grab her in on the mocha action too. Anyone seen Will, lately? .:shifts eyes around and continues typing:.

Noone else has really been around other than Faith and .. the bot. Ew, the bot had to be re-programed or something cause it isn't talking about Spike's rock hard abs anymore. It's talking about Faith's big .:coughs and shivers for a minute:. I'm so glad I only have one eye right now, because if I were to have invisioned all of that I would have had to stab my other eye too. .:laughs and scratches back of neck looking around the room:.

It's too quite. Where is everyone? I want to go the Bronze .. or see a movie or do something. Anyone want to go?

The Loyal.

[13 Sep 2003|11:52pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

I've heard things. Not good things. I've been hearing things about one night when some of the gang went out slaying, something bad happened. Apparently there was some little 'groups' .. Buffy and Spike *gag*, Faith and Connor no comment, and (from what I have heard) Andrew and Dawn. What am I supposed to say? She hasn't said anything to me about it, although I don't see why should we just say ''hey I made-out with Andrew!". I dunno even know if this is true so mabye this post is for nothing.

Slaying .. gets intense, I'll say that, but you can't go slaying without someone and MAKE-OUT! NOT COOL! .:stops typing for a moment and relieves some stress on the wall. he slowly walks back to the computer, and begans to type:. I love her. My love is being tested everyday with Anya being around and if I can't prove to her that I truley love her .. I don't know what else to do.

Now, anyone else seeing a problem. I choose Dawn. I chose you, Dawn .. and you fucking know it. Am I gonna have to wait for you to choose, too?

Let me know these things.

The Loyal.

Figured it out .. [30 Jul 2003|09:49pm]
[ mood | pleased ]
[ music | .. glycerine ]

.:Xander stared at the keyboard and went blank. He didn't know what to type or how to start, this was a definate problem:. Okay, let's start with the icon. Look at it. Pretty self explanatory right? No? .. it is be quite! I was in love with her once. Key word would be once. I've finally figured this all out. If you care to listen, good for you. My love for women has never been .:sighs:. perfect. My first love .. will always be in my heart forever and ever. Then, Anya came along shortly afterwards. I fell in love then proposed way too fast, and I'm NOT saying it was a mistake either. Then the day came .. the wedding. She looked beautiful but something in my heart was telling me not to marry her. So, obviousally, I didn't. Hatred. Anger. and any other (bad) feeling you can imagine got thrown in my face, for doing that to her. For 'leading' her on. I did it for a reason. There will always be feelings for Anya. Always. I fell in love with her and it was amazing but I think I still had some more growing to do. My growing went completley opposite then her's. She went back to her demon ways and I went back to my carpenter days.

Next Chapter in Xander's Love Life. She's always been around .. as long as I've know Buffy she's been around. I can tell you all the first day I had major feelings for her. Want to know? .:smiles:. The day I walked into the Summer's house to pick her and Buffy up for her first day of high school. She looked, so grown up. Mabye I was blinded before but I fell in love and had to control it for a while. Then things developed. I tried to give her sudden hints. The 'extraordinary' talk. Then she even gave me hints to. My birthday she got me a cape. She remebered. That was it. I had to make my move. Hasn't been all roses and champagne but she has always had my heart.

Oh, and to everyone else. Hi there.

The Loyal.

"Don't let the days go by.....Glycerine" [29 Jun 2003|07:19pm]
[ mood | confused ]
[ music | Bush "Glycerine" ]

Okay, so not Mr. Posty lately but I guess it's okay, considering everything that is going on. First, Anya was left behind when we headed for Cleveland. Andrew said she died saving him. I just don't get. I can't be happy. I...I can't live without her. Will, Buffy, and everyone have been telling me that she will be back. That Willow will do the whole resurrection thing and she'll be back and everything will be okay, right? Wrong. I want her back, but I don't. Anya's dead. I don't want her coming back like Buffy did. After what she told us...living in hell because she got expelled from heaven? What if Anya is in heaven? What if she is having the time of her life? What if she doesn't want to be brought back? What if she is happy...



What if she is happy, without me?



And if things couldn't get more confusing, Dawn's relationship with me is getting fuzzier everyday. She is amazing...extraordinary but my feelings are still strong for Anya. And I'm asking myself if I should move on? If I should just let my heart fall back in love with Dawn...but then if Anya is going to be brought back my feelings will just get wish-washed around again. It's the biggest triangle I've been in. Dawn told me to follow my heart. To not choose what I think is right or wrong but to choose the person I love...and I can't. My head is blocking my vision and my heart is more confused now that it ever has been. I'm so lost.



I need answers. I need help. I need.....someone



OOC )

2 -- The Loyal.

[04 May 2003|12:02pm]
[ mood | groggy ]

Mr. Posty, that's me. Not really, everything has been...well everything. Everyone won't stop worrying about me and it's starting to get to me. Everything is really a mess. Buffy left...for good I think and now we have Faith to listen to. Not one of my favorite things to do but considering there isn't much of a choice, I guess I'll deal.

Dawn and Will have been the most concerened. Dawn's been attached by our hips, I swear, she hasn't left my side. Willow...Willow is being her normal self. Trying to make jokes right along with me but then she gets teary-eyed and she looks so....so sad.

Anya won't say two words to me. It's always "Move Harris!" in the morning when she is storming by me to go down to the kitchen. She hasn't really looked at me like everyone else has....god I mean she hasn't even looked at me at all. I try to look at her but ya know the whole 'one-eye' thing prevents that a little. We don't talk like we used to.

The Loyal.

Just....read... [20 Apr 2003|05:56pm]
[ mood | drained ]

I have no clue where to start off. Dawn's up here. She has been all night. She kinda wanted to give Willow a break. ::smiles and nods head:: Thanks Will. Anyway, Dawn brought the labtop up so she wouldn't be bored and I've been playing on it. I decided I should update this thing considering I heard everyone's been all posty without me.

I....I know what everyone is thinking and just don't okay? ::sighs:: I'm the same goofy old Xander just with a little bit of a pirate in me. Buffy I know you feel like it's your fault, but don't. I gave that speech because it's true. This is battle - battle means someone will always get hurt and it doesn't mean it's your fault. Don't ever think just because I can't keep mine own ass up it's your fault. ::smiles:: I love you, Buf and I'm with you 110% okay?

Spike sort of um, saved me and I get that now. We are both putting everything behind us and kind of...'patting each others back' I guess you could say. Not um, literally though but Spike...I appreciate that. I'll try and talk to you later about it. I should go now the nurse should be here to give me my big 'ole horse pills. Anyone know why they call them 'horse' pills?!?!

The Loyal.

Long Time. [05 Apr 2003|12:20am]
[ mood | tired ]

There just been so many things I really haven't had much time to post. Dawn and I are back over at the house more than we are at the apartment. She thought since after the Angelus thing she still wants to stay over but just, ya know still visit the house. Whatever she wants to do is fine with me.

Spike hitting her with the bed downstairs wasn't very fun for her. ::Shakes head:: Major bump and blood going on there. Buffy is trying to make excuses saying that is was the 'trigger' not Spike and the 'First' not Spike....but can anyone else step back here with me for a minute and see the stuff I'm seeing...it's Spike, not the 'first' or the 'trigger' or the dumb 'chip' anymore. It's Spike. ::sighs and mumbles:: Mabye Wood and Giles are right, and please don't ever quote me on saying that Giles is right.

Anyway. I have to go now. Probably stop by and get Dawn a mocha then head back home to the little apartment. ::smiles and yawns:: It's been a long week.

The Loyal.

Rumor... [17 Mar 2003|11:51pm]
[ mood | tired ]
[ music | Dawn Snoring ]

Excuse me I must clarify one rumor that many SiTs have been asking me when I come by to visit. Thanks to my wonderful Dawnie!...I am not pregnat. I promise. ::sighs and looks over at Dawn sleeping:: I couldn't sleep so I thought I would just get on here and clarify those rumors up. Milk and Oreos work great as a mid-night snack. ::drinks the rest of milk and crunches on an Oreo:: Dawn's spring break is this week which is good because that means she doesnt have to go to school. She can just stay home and veg out with me until I have to go to work. How it sucks being all grown-up and not a kid. ::Yawns:: I really should try to go back to sleep.

-Night-

The Loyal.

NyQuil [03 Mar 2003|04:07pm]
[ mood | drained ]

Sorry - been feeling a little under with the cold. ::smiles and sniffs:: Getting better though. NyQuil can take out an ox I swear. Strong stuff ya know. Angelus - scary thing to think about. The whole bumpy forhead crowd gives me the hibby jibbys. Well, minus Spike. Kinda.

Harmony - woo has that girl got some issues. She thinks I'm the dork? ::laughs then quickly coughs:: Oh, that hurts. Yeah, well she thinks I'm the dork. I might be but she is just a little bimbo vamp who waits until a sale to go shopping then she justs kills the clerk. I'm the dork? -Puh-lease. I'm the COOLEST!

Anyways. Sorry for not being around but I should be around later to pick up Dawn and see if she wants to go somewhere and see if she wants to stay with me while this whole 'angelus' problem is taken care of. Buffy that alright? Oh - and has anyone seen my Willow? She hasn't been around lately and I'm starting to miss her. ::takes sip of water to chug pills with:: Oh how lovely....Advil.

1 -- The Loyal.

[01 Mar 2003|07:56pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]

You'll here about it sooner or later - we are back together. ::smiles:: Me and Dawn. It happened right before Cordelia came and uh...'fook' [lol] things up as she said it. Aparently she says 'fook' I dont get it, personally but whatever she wants to do...EXCEPT mess with Dawn. That pisses me off when someone messes with her expecially when they call her a 'thing' thats just wrong. ::shakes head:: I'm sorry Dawn. I tried to get you out of their asap.

Cordy - just stop. That's all I'm gonna say. ::coughs 'dog-face'::

The Loyal.

[25 Feb 2003|05:13pm]
[ mood | cranky ]

Do you know how much fun it ISN'T to walk in on a bitch fest and not being able to get out of it. Not fun. ::sighs and rubs head:: If you don't know what I'm talking about let me explain: Anya & Dawn. Someone remind me NEVER to go in a room when I see those two talking. Anya was acting like - ::groan:: oh hell I'm not even gonna talk about it.

After Anya stormed out of the room (like a baby) I decided to take Dawn to the coffee shop. She got a french vanilla capacino [sp?] and I got my favorite Red Hot. Although I confessed to Dawn it was just hot choco. Oh - this girl at Dawn's school spilt water on her - ON PURPOSE.. and then Dawn's friend, April, I think - said

" 'aw jealous that she got someone hot to go to that dance with her"

Oh I just want to smile everytime Dawn's friends like me. I know Dawn likes it. I just feel like going home and sleeping all night. I know it won't happen considering that SiTs train all day outside yelling 'sun down' and crap like that.

The Loyal.

Dance.... [22 Feb 2003|06:45pm]
[ mood | surprised ]

Wow! That was a lot of fun. The most fun I've had since I got tied up and stabbed in the stomach two weeks ago. ::sighs:: She looked really good last night. ::smiles:: She really did. There were some girls I noticed looking at me....friends of Dawn's that were oogling, Dawn said, at me. Nothing like a group of teenage girls thinking your sexy. ::shakes head:: Not really a boost on the confedence level but still.

Slow dance....fast dances....I can't believe those kids know how to bump it and grind it like that! Well, I guess we knew how to do all that huh? Well, Buffy used to rule the fast songs and me and Will would take over the slow ones. ::smiles:: It was fun though. I'm glad Dawn had fun. We both had to get out of the house. I know Buffy needs to too. Her outift?!?!? Buffy you picked it out for her huh? Well, I complement you on that! A JOB WELL DONE!

The date ::shifts in seat:: is that what it was? Anywho, the evening ended good too. Smiles and other things...anyway it was a nice dance. It was the happening place to be on a Friday at 10 o'clock on the Hellmouth. Suprised really that nothing evil-ish happened. I just can't wait for that gossip girl to get on here an talking smack and making up crap about the dance. Just wait and see they will say something about it....

The Loyal.

[17 Feb 2003|08:26pm]
[ mood | lazy ]
[ music | Nothing ]

Sorry about the whole not updating thing. I saw Buffy and Kennedy yesterday. They were sitting there talking when I walked in. We talked for a while then Kennedy opened her mouth about Faith and needing her.....didn't understand the conversation so I went into the kitchen and grabbed a pop, although I didn't even finish it before I got so confused I had to leave. Hurting my head trying to understand what they were thinking was bad. I also had to explain the thing about the Hyena mess in high school...how do all the SiT find out about things??? Who is their source?

Dawn - you can call me ya know. Just pick up the phone, dial my number, and say hey Xander. Then I'll take the conversation from there okay? Quit saying you don't know what to say if you would call. If you don't want to talk to me at all just admit it.....hope thats not the case.

Anya.....has anyone seen her lately. She seems to be less around more and more each day. Coming from me that's saying a lot considering I haven't either.

I swear if Andrew doesn't quit talking about Buffy and Dawn ::massages neck:: OH! GoSh! He is so annoying! I'm gonna go now. I'll be around more, promise.

The Loyal.

TONIGHT [11 Feb 2003|11:08pm]
[ mood | cranky ]

What is the deal? Me....women.....not good together. Just to clear up anything anybody was talking about - NOT GAY! It was just a mental break-down okay? Relationships with me is not good lately ya know? Buffy. Thank you though. Always coming and saving my big ass from something evil.

Xander...poor choice in a girl, should've stayed with Dawn, atleast she wouldn't try to kill you.. You don't know that Spike. She is amazing though, I know but it's better now. Care to share about your feelings, no need to tell the story, we all heard it from someone down the line.....::coughs 'BUFFY' loudly::

What's this I hear about Anya and her concern for me?....that's just weird. Ladies - once you get some from the Xan-Man you come back wanting more. "Once you pop the fun don't stop!" PRINGLES sound really yummy right now?

Giles' speech was right. Noone else thought it was good or meaning anything at all but he's right, (does that mean I'm old?) No more goofing around, funny coming from me but it's true. When we go out and try to think that the first isn't around, he is, or someone, something out there wants him and we try to forget about. So we go on a date(s). Next thing I knew I was being tied up and stabbed in the stomach. Not a fun night.

The Loyal.

Around... [10 Feb 2003|03:54pm]
[ mood | drunk ]
[ music | Nothing... ]

I know I haven't been around and everyone knows why not. I don't belong to be around - at least not for a while. What I did no doubt it was wrong but I didn't - ::sighs deeply and looks down:: It doesn't matter now - it's over. I did what I did and now there is no way I can take it back. No way at all.

So - you may not see much of me. If you want to come and talk to me you all can, but I might not be the best company. With the yah know drinking and stuff. Gotten fatter too I noticed, hence the drinking. I think it's safe to say I won't worry about looking good for anyone now. It's no biggie I mean I've done this before, with Anya, and uh - I can't compare them.

Dawn - I know I can't say anything now - but I promise you that you won't have to look at me or see me or anything until you want me to. I deserve that to you, you wanted it so now you've got it. Just - just remeber that I still want to be there for you through and through but I guess I got my whole break thing I guess huh? I love you.

I should go now - sorry to waste your time guys but Buffy don't worry I understand about the whole wanting to hurt me thing, I got it. If anyone wants to see me call me and I'll bake a cake....or pop open another 6-pack.

The Loyal.

...anya... [05 Feb 2003|05:02pm]
[ mood | okay ]
[ music | 'Lord of the Rings II' soundtrack ]

With Anya being around it makes things harder I think - well not for me for....Dawn. She sometimes looks at me and sees if I'm looking at Anya because well, thats what girlfriends do right? Make sure that their 'man' isn't checking out any other girls. Dawn - I promise I don't I just look at her. I'm sorry if it makes things hard because I know you feel like you have to compete against Anya and baby you really don't. Okay and another thing remeber that you are closer in age to me than she is..::sighs::..remeber our talk? Just keep thinking about what I said and don't forget it.

On to other things - Dawn - do I even have your number to your cell phone because I have Buffy's but she isn't turning her's on and no one is home. After the little 'attack-on Giles' thing I think Anya went somewhere (no telling where) and Dawn said she was going out - didn't want me to come with though - and Andrew ::grunts:: he is sleeping. I swear if he was ever awake more than 5 hours a day I would die of a heart attack. I know where Buffy and Spike are - unfortunately they are out and about together. Did anyone notices the emphisis on the 'together'? ::laughs:: I promise Buf - I'm not starting in too okay?

The Loyal.

[01 Feb 2003|12:24am]
[ mood | amused ]

-I had to have got the funniest present today from Dawn. She gave me a cape ::grins:: and on the back on it - it said 'xan-man'. My mood is amused, 'cause right now I am. She thought I was gonna hate it and think it was lame but I didn't - I don't think anyone is gonna know what I'm talking about....they're all going Xander? Your wonder-woman now? To everyone who was thinking that -

Yes. It's true - time to come out with the whole me being wonder-woman. We worked side by side on ya know....stuff. Quiet a duo we are ::sighs:: me and wonder-woman.

Dawn? Please tell me you didn't hear any of that! You know you don't compare to her right? ::Laughs:: Okay I'm getting offline now!

The Loyal.

...just some rants... [29 Jan 2003|08:58pm]
[ mood | moody ]

Has anyone else heard Buffy listening to some LOUD rock music? She's been down there for a while now with the uh- punching bag as her friend. I hope the punching bag is okay! All I have to say is I'm glad its not Sumo [spelling?] Xander she is taking her anger out on. [ see season 5 ep. ] Sorry I haven't been around lately guys. I've been walking more lately...thinking. Don't ask me what right now - I'm just thinking. I've heard what people are talking about, Dawn kind of filled me in on things.

Spike - what you did was probably for the best....and I'm not just saying that either, I know you hate me and I don't like you either but your right ::coughs:: I mean what you did is right. Leaving ya know? I don't want you to hurt anyone here and no matter how much I say I could protect my girls, sad to say when it comes to bad ass Spike - I might not be able to protect you all but believe me when I say I will die trying to....I know its not a lot but its all I have.

I should go now. Not much else to say than I'm here and - here is good when you realize everyone missed you....well uh, not everyone. ::smiles:: Yah - well - I'm gonna sign off now.

1 -- The Loyal.

[26 Jan 2003|07:35pm]
[ mood | silly ]
[ music | Anything on Kazaa ]

Grinning more lately and I wonder why...oh I think I know why ::smiles:: Dawn. WHAT?!? Spike isn't moving out of the house? What's that all about. ::moans and takes a big breath:: Okay ::looks at Dawn:: won't say anything else, promise ::shows crossed fingers:: HA! Okay sorry. I'll stop really.

Dawnie ::sticks nose in the air:: I don't mind about the oogling....just the touching ::narrows eyes:: none of that going on kay? Now I've oogled recently and ::looks around nervousally:: then, I look away of course. ::smiles:: no recovering from that one huh? Guess not.

Hehe my skins all tingly and ooh look I’m smiling! …haven’t stopped smiling yet! -Your crazy Dawn! What's great about it is that I haven't stopped smiling either.

The Loyal.

[25 Jan 2003|08:53pm]
[ mood | happy ]
[ music | humming of "regular guy" by BIF Naked ]

Okay so let Spike leave - personally I know I don't care. I would throw a party about his leaving but the only people there would be me mabye the potentials but thats only because to them - vamp + out of house = GOOD to them. I'll stop because a certain few ::narrows eyes:: want him here. That's their judgement.

Only a certain few like me, Dawn, Spike, and Buffy know this but I guess it's time to get this out in the open ::takes a deep breath:: me and dawn....me and Dawn are together. Not a sexual way either, even though very sexy, ::coughs:: but we talk every night about things and it feels great ya know? To have someone to relate to. I know I can talk to everyone but when I talk to her it's like I'm just so relaxed. Too relaxed if you ask me.

Well, that's basically all I wanted to say - we're together - and you can lecture all you want to but it won't change a lot. I'm gonna go now....Xan-Man (a little more happy) signing out.

4 -- The Loyal.

Ramble... [24 Jan 2003|05:37pm]
[ mood | chipper ]
[ music | Blink 182 ]

Opening up to Dawn like that, talking to her about everything, made me feel so good. No one will know it like me and her. No one is watching me and she thinks no one is watching her either but I am. ::laughs:: I see her every day and I saw her face when she thought she was the slayer. I was watching her. For the first time in a long time I saw her ::sighs:: and to see her and how she has grown made me feel great. She's gonna have guys lined up by the time she is my age.

"You’re not special. You’re extraordinary."

I told her that and her face lit up. It was great. I didnt just say that to make her feel better either. It's true she is extraordinary. I know why she feels left out all the time. She thinks everyone just sees her as 'Buffy's little sister' and that's not true. I didn't mean to go all soft on her but sometimes it feels good to get away from the old tellin-joke-always-have-to-be-funny-Xander. Then I just went right back to joke-ful Xander talking about how I needed a cape.

I looked at my post a while ago and it said I was lonely...huh, I don't feel so lonely anymore. Oh man, I'm getting mushy. ::sniffs:: What's that?...uh oh, I have to go, I smell burning the food. ::looks into kitchen:: It's Dawn. ::logs off and smiles as he heads to the kitchen::

2 -- The Loyal.

[19 Jan 2003|12:27am]
[ mood | tired ]

So....tired. I did not get much sleep last night. First I had a nice long chat with Dawn, then I have to lay there and listen to all those potential slayers talk about how being here sucks. Uh! Do they ever sleep? Yeah Buffy isn't it awesome I finally got one of these journal things you guys have been talking about!


Buffy and I took Dawn to the Bronze last night while you were patrolling. Sorry, we left you a note but we just had to get out of the house. Don't be too tough on her though okay? It was me too. We got home after you went to bed so we just watched a movie, and Dawn your going to get your way one of these days!


Have to go now

The Loyal.

[17 Jan 2003|02:23am]
Things...well things have never been normal but lately with all the ladies in the house I'm feeling extra ::sighs:: lonely. They come out of the shower just with their towel on and oh man they drive me insane. Not that it matters - is it to late for a re-cover from that one? I mean look at my type of women, Will, well I guess I turned her into a leasbian, no wait Oz did, Anya, ex-demon - enough said, and well Cordelia - there isn't much to say about her than YIKES with a little side of YIKES. Wow, lots of commas in that sentence!


I'm gonna go now, way to tired and thinking about now that the computer desk looks comfortable...::eyes close for a minute:: OKAY! I NEED TO GO TO BED! Bye...ZzZzZzZzZz
2 -- The Loyal.

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