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xaalamander

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Moon Coming [10 Jul 2006|12:55am]
The moon is almost here. I started a working during the wane that I must complete now.
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Back 2 Blurty [14 Mar 2005|10:53pm]
[ mood | blah ]

For a minute I awoke in the night thinking that the floetry might have stopped flowing simply because I have been too busy lately to take the time to write and so I picked up the flashlight always by the side of the bed and a pen and notebook, also always by the side of the bed and out flowed:

where did
the flow
go

it may
disappear
i
fear

but no
it is
here

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Been a long time [09 Aug 2004|12:11am]
It's been quite a long time since I was here, but I felt like writing anonymously - too well known elsewhere. Sometimes, you just want to keep your journal to your self - that's what they're actually for, anyway... I get sick and tired of censoring my true thoughts and feelings because some cyber-voyeur can't take what I might have to say. It rarely occurs to people to just stay the fuck off of my blog if they don't like it. Ah well... I probably won't write much here, either. I should just stick with my paper journals for my true feelings.
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[29 May 2003|12:05pm]
[ mood | happy ]

After over a month, I can post again. Woo-hoo! Whatever the tech error was, is fixed I guess. My husband will probably say it's just a coincidence that both of these occurrences coincided with his "tinkering" with my pc. :) I missed my friend Aglauros...

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Too Far From My Skirt Strings [24 Apr 2003|05:35pm]
[ mood | listless ]
[ music | James Taylor - Sweet Baby James ]

People tell me that I am overprotective of my children. Personally, I don't think there's any such thing considering... But just when you think your kids are safe away from you. My son is on Wright-Patterson Air Force Base with his godparents - having a blast. But today he called me to tell me that he was in the presence of "Skull & Bones Jr" a.k.a. George W. Bush - usurper to the throne. But his goddad was thrilled because he got to shake his hand and speak to him. ...And I can understand that - we don't study the same material. But I cannot imagine the aura of such vileness being in that kind of proximity of my beloved son. He said, "But Mom, I didn't even see him good because when he came near, I turned my face. ...But the plane (AirForce1) was cool!"

Purity.

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[23 Apr 2003|11:33pm]
[ mood | satisfied ]
[ music | Watching the astoundingly appetizing Armand Assante... ]

I want to be able to do, everything that I have always wanted to do. I want it bad enough that I finally learned that it is possible for me to make it all happen precisely as iI will...

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For the full-moon womb-men [21 Apr 2003|12:14pm]
[ mood | amused ]
[ music | TV - The Secret of Roan Inish ]

I just found this poem that my brother's girlfriend sent to me last year. It was printed in SageWoman magazine when sexuality was the theme of the issue - and it's a riot...

Dedicated to all you girls out there who were ever made to feel that having the physique of a 15-year old boy was the epitome of womanhood...

Curvature

My belly was never meant to be no mesa,
all high, wind flat and dry.
I've got precious eggs in here to protect.
If you see bones showing,
I'm not doing my job.
You've got to think burial mounds,
or the sacred hills that roll into Lakota lands.
You've got to feel a new moon
curving up cozy in bud-womb trees.
Or a beaver's dam, close-packed and shaggy,
hugging in all the Mississippi mud water
that doesn't have a date down in New Orleans.
My round, firm, boastful and bountiful belly
is every horizon that has ever been sailed.
It is the flesh and blood curvature
of a thousand planets all orbiting
the brightest light they can find.
That's what heavenly bodies do.

by
Mary Scott

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Old Poems... [14 Apr 2003|04:31pm]
[ mood | apathetic ]
[ music | Rush/Chronicles - Lakeside Park ]

Going through boxes of shit I haven't looked at in a looong time, I found some old poems written in '96 and '98.

Manic Fish

That fish flopping there - there
on the sand
Doesn't anyone see it?
How horrible...
It seems to gasp, so!
Out of its Element,
...In the wrong world.

Seared by the sun.
Choked by the air.

Opening. Closing. Struggling.
Flopping - unnoticed.
It's so near, that vast ocean where
it belongs. Home.
So close, so far away...so futile.

Floundering before the tides of destiny
Baked and beached,
that fish stopped flopping there.
So close - so far away.

7-24-98

************************

Curling thoughts always beginning
like a haze with depth
only to ascend, fainter ... fainter,
and to disappear


7-24-98

************************

I just want to
crawl in and
curl up far inside you
feeling you
loving you
deep within side you
forever within
not without you

'96

************************

If I
translate the music
that's the
song of my heart
will you come dance
with me?

Will you come dance with me?


************************

Spinning in Her Head

Spinning in her head
Thoughts of you doth tread
On the silken thread
Of the web-weaving spider
That dwells deep inside her.

*************************

The Heart Grows Fonder

There's two things that the people say
about lovers who are parted:
They either want to stay away
or they endure it broken-hearted.

But out-of-sight, out-of-mind,
was not with me the case,
I never had to search to find
the love that wears your face.

Instead the opposite was true
I loved you more each day
and here I am still loving you
...perhaps one day, you'll stay.

***************************

Here Lies a Dragon

Here lies a dragon
curled around my being
Sentinel of my mind, heart, soul;
Alert, ever-seeing

All that come too near
With intentions of ill-will
Will quickly feel the sere
Of Dragons fiery chill

But those who come as friends
Have in their pasts since learned
A Dragon's begrudging trust
Is far better than it's burn.

8-5-98

****************************

Sometimes the poem is in the title...

The Bug That Rolled Over On It's Back

Legs waving in the air
...ain't going nowhere.

7-25-98

No wonder I buried this shit

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Reality Check [12 Apr 2003|10:53pm]
[ mood | high ]
[ music | My Husband - The Sound of His Voice(As He Talks To Me) ]

About a week ago, it finally dawned on me that I wasn't the wonderful little kid that I always thought I was. For the most part, I was. I've been getting these inner impulses to explore some of my childhood ways that weren't exactly so nice. Perspective, I suppose. Balance. It is funny to me the things that are popping into remembrance.

* I used to correct adults when they were wrong

* I used to stick my
tongue out at people.
Obnoxiously. Often.
(but only to assholes and bullies)

* Refused to stand up and salute "...with liberty and justice for all..." - since first grade.
(because it's a lie)

* In 7th grade, I'd snatch the shorts of running boys, by the hem,
and yank 'em down to their knees and watch them fall humiliated
with their inadequacies exposed and their tender egos traumatized.
(Disclaimer: I didn't really mean to harm them ...honest!)

* I used to kick adults in the shins with my Buster Browns.
(da bullies)

* I used to stick my thumbs in my ears and
wave my fingers at people while making faces at them.

* Push people behind their knees when they were about to step off of the last step...
(I had an obssession with seeing things buckle - the falling part was an unfortunate consequence...)

* I used to make halfmoon-thumbnail prints in my Nanny's plants.
(sign of the maiden)

* Hummed a 12-inch 2-by-4 at my kindergarten teacher.
(bitch)

* To be continued...

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[11 Apr 2003|02:42pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

Suddenly everyone is unreachable - but I have to diffuse my shock and share it with someone close...

I just found out my husband's mother died, today. He doesn't know. And I have to tell him. He'll be home from work in just a few hours and I can't even imagine hurting him like this. He is going to be so devastated and he is so, so sweet.

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Quotes I Stumbled Across, Today... [05 Apr 2003|10:29pm]
[ mood | awake ]
[ music | Stevie Wonder - Love's In Need of Love Today ]

"Of all tyrannies, a tyranny exercised for the good of its victims
may be the most oppressive.
It may be better to live under robber barons
than under omnipotent moral busybodys.
The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep,
his cupidity may at some point be satiated;
but those who torment us for our own good,
will torment us without end,
for they do so with the approval of their own conscious."

~C.S. Lewis

*****************************************

"Why of course the people don't want war...It is the leaders
who determine the policy and it is always a simple matter
to drag the people along
...all you have to do is tell them they are being attacked
and denounce the pacifists
for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger.
It works the same in any country."

~Hermann Goering


This is especially effective in America since 'we' are reared in the Prussian model of schooling which smoothed the path toward Nazi Germany manifesting...

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[04 Apr 2003|08:52am]
[ mood | calm ]
[ music | Chante' Moore - Finding My Way Back To You ]

My computer rebooted a few minutes ago just as I was pushing the button to submit my journal entry on another journal. I hate when that happens. But the music is lovely. And the kids - who have no school today because of all this ICE - are still sleeping.

...I swear they heard me type that, no sooner typed than here they both come!

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[04 Apr 2003|06:27am]
[ mood | bitchy ]
[ music | David Sanborn - Listen Here ]

I can't believe my husband just left this house to go to work. No, to commute to work - 40 minutes away. Manly so-and-so. The local schools are all closed. But Albany never announces school closings until they see how many of the teachers who have the longest distances to travel are willing to risk life and limb to show up. It's such bullshit. Central New York, at the time of this entry, is a sheet of ice. Even the trees are covered in it. April 4th and we have ice. I want f*cking TULIPS!

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This or That [27 Mar 2003|12:57am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I dig that 'everything is everything' so that must also mean that shit comes down to a matter of perception, too. So, those that are linear will filter everything through a linear lense while those who are holistic, will filter everything through a holistic worldview.

This would be cool if each are left to their own. But what happens when the lusts, greeds, desires of one set, encroaches upon the contentment of the other?

...Perhaps, in the spirit of being holistic, the holistic should dis-cover their curve and ascend around to areas where the linear could never reach them.

And the linear, who, by nature of being linear and can only go forward (Progress Son! Kill those savages!), should take a care to make sure that their straight path should at least be the right path instead of just seeming like a straight path when it's really a crooked one... But that's just my holistic musing on something I couldn't possibly relate to in order to make a true assessment on.

I suppose someone truly linear wouldn't understand what I am trying to convey anymore than I could say what they should be doing.

I'm going to bed.

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My Grandmother... [25 Mar 2003|10:08pm]
[ mood | cynical ]
[ music | Incognito - Don't You Worry 'Bout a Thing ]

...Like Grandmothers everywhere, mine always used to say, "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all." Clearly, this isn't always the case, oftentimes someone needs to get told. And I feel lonely for my little blurty here but I better save my rants for my husband - who just feeds off of it and stokes my flaming sarcasm over the utter absurdity of this syllogistic madness called civilization. I truly believe that the trees will literally have to uproot themselves and strangle the breath out of most of "civilization" before it occurs to the collective that being civilized is the art of being civil.

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Loopdee... [22 Mar 2003|03:12pm]
[ mood | distressed ]
[ music | Dead Can Dance - Song of the Sibyl ]

How LONG Mother, will You allow the parasitical elements, with their insatiable lust for blood and despair ravage your breasts and eat the misery of your own natural children?

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Spring In, Sleep Out [21 Mar 2003|03:04pm]
[ mood | hyper ]
[ music | Natacha Atlas - "Diaspora" ]

Last night was the second night in 3 days that I didn't go to bed. My bodies way of screaming 'Yea Spring!'. So when I sent my babies off to school this morning, I was rolling on 3 hours sleep in as many days. Usually, this lasts until sometime in May - sometimes longer!

At least I made good use of the time. I wanted to draw a certain kind of symbolic picture. I started it at 9pm last night and finished at 8am this morning. It has the effect I was hoping for and something more...

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DADDY'S DAZE [20 Mar 2003|09:25am]
[ mood | melancholy ]
[ music | Lauren Hill UNPlugged: Freedom Time ]

When Daddy and me were babies, they drafted him away from me.

When I was 17 - the age he was when he went to bootcamp and the age he morbidly remains - he told me that each American bomb that fell cracked the skulls of every infant within a 1-mile radius, just like an egg.

Good thing we have the right to choose not to give a f*ck or the pain of the IDEA of that would be something like unbearable - especially as one watches their five sweet siblings look expectantly and dejectedly at their Daddy and wonder "????#%^*&????" as he keeps rolling on by and rolling on by and rolling on by...

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SO FAR... [20 Mar 2003|05:36am]
[ mood | distressed ]

I have been keeping my most acidic comments to my actual journals that are scattered all over my house. I've managed to keep my keys shut about these hell-bent*global-bullies*skull-and-bones fascists who took over America, but my fingers are about to burst if I don't at least just get this off:

http://www.toostupidtobepresident.com/shockwave/warachance.htm

(sigh) feels slightly better.

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SOUL SOUP [17 Mar 2003|08:03pm]
A few years ago, a dear friend of mine gifted me with a wonder-filled book on synchronicity. It's a subject we talked about often because of the high frequency of synchronatic occurances in our everyday lives. Yet, as often as these occassions present themselves, each time is always a fresh source of wonder. ...So here's what happened today.

This morning, I had read a little something about how to know when Elementals (orishas, faeries, spirits, ancestors...) are around you. One of the ways that was mentioned was when it feels like an insect is crawling on you - but is not. It is Monday and part of my whisperings at the altar to the Elementals today, was that they lend their patient assistance in helping me to remember to feed them. I always forget to do this and it is a ritual that I dearly want to get in the habit of.

Well this evening, right after I placed a steaming bowl of my special almost-stew-like homemade barley vegetable soup, at each place setting for my family and sat down to begin buttering the Italian bread - I got the jeebies and before I could finish exclaiming, "Ugh! it feels like bugs are crawling all up in my..." I realized that I had some dinner guests politely reminding me that I asked them to remind me to feed them. And so I was able to correct myself and serve some yummy stew and buttered bread to my egun/orishas, before the rest of us set in to supper.

As I walked away from my altar, it was very gratifying to see that steam rising between the strong steady glow of the candles. ...Especially 'cause I already knew - that stuff was goooood!
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