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we going party liek its my bday
ahh im so excited!!! :D 2mrws the big dayyy were gonna partttttttttttttttttttttttttty. woooooo! :D i feel sooooooooooooooo much better from previous daysss...like its like every day it gets better n better..my mood anyway. :D sooo i googled some stuff & i guess..im not too sure im not a dr. or anything but i guess i was going thru/are going thru whatever it gets btter everydy so i dont think it counts nemore ..but i gues its withdrawl symptoms from ...well whateverfrom a drug obviously butt yaa idk...? i guessi mean ih ad liek EVERY SINGLE SYMPTOM..lol for that specific drug anyway..its been like 2 1/2 months tho soo i wuld of thought its out of my sytem by now but i guess its like finding its way out u kno? anyways ive prayed alot about it & ive prayed allllot actually its liek a dialy thing now..i love it, cause everything ive asked for ive gotten n dont get me wrong thats not WHY i love praying LOL...i kno there are gonna be times i dont get what i ask for but that means ill just pray harder u know..anyways so i guess what this drug does is disconnect the nerve cells to ur sertonin which affects mood, sex drive, sleeping umm just alot of different asspects its kind of the little thing that relases something in order to make u happy?! liek wen ur sad i guess thats what tries to get u unsad...maybe? anywasss i think im rite becus what that drug does is basically disconnect those cell,s or kill them whatever soooooo its liek harder to reach the serotonin sooo i guess ur liek not happy? LOL well on the drug ur liek INCREDIBLY HAPPPYYYYY but thats just it, liek it realses sooo much of it that i guess it disppears forever, like were only limited to a certain amount i would assume? so i guess like i used alot of it.. i dkkkkkkk whatever the point is ive noticed if i get sad or lonely before its just like whatever i get over it n now literally if feel like an ounce n sadness n if i even like dwell on it for a second it just spirals DOWN HILL FASSSSSSSSSSST. like im talking i go from bummed to like crying calling anyBODY to come be with me. idk it just it kinda freaks me out.. but its goten wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy better like i pray everydy for healing on my brain n all over my body n for happiness, not the literal emotion but i pray that he opens my eyes to what i already have to be thankful anf happy bout rather to give me somethingto be happy u kno what i mean? i pray to see the fun in everything liek i used to and its all basically come bak like fassst and effectivly LOL. i can sleep now, the last three days ive slept liek without tossing or turning or anything..i just lie down n go to bed :] i prayed for that too. im just really really thankful everydy liek im not thinking about 2mrw or anyhting i just think bout today and pray for what i need today and let 2mrw wait till it comes u kno? im slowing down i guess and it feels gooood. i pray for peace and im getting it. so overall im really happy and thankful and i owe it all to God. and im kinda realizing who i need in my life and who i dont, like not that i dont need them but like maybe htere not such good influences maybe too much negative energy u kno what im saying? sooo i pray he helps me part paths with ANYONE who shouldnt be in my life or like be part of it or whatever ...like im a strong persn & i love to party n go out buttt i do kno the devil never sleeps n at any given moment u kno the drug culd be right there offered to me FREE and u know i could be weak...[apparently thiis drug is pysocologically addicting, ppl become dependant on it, i dont think i ever did or maybe i waas.. idk?] i KNOW it will never let it happen, but its a possible situation u kno what i mean? so i just pray and well obviouly i use common sense of where to be and were not to be who to hang out with n who to kind of avoid..u know? its been easier also cause ive been tlaking lot with the girls n its weird cus were all kind of liek WE WANNA CHILL. ..like it suks cus calm dnw were 19 but its liek dudde weve kinda done it all..n i knew this day wuld come but i jsut didnt expect it so fast u kno...so idk im happy that my best friends see eye to eye with me on chillling out versus liek getting all crazy, on NOT doign drugs anymore u know like i pray to be an example and i really hope i am and if im not then i hope he gives them examples to follow. and sooo ya its liek i have good support system behind me, other than ovbiously the best support system which is GOD, lol and im happy about it & my familys there u kno my dad ive talked to him bout how i feel n stuff n hes always said if i ever feel liek i need to maybe go to a rehab once a week or anything that hell be happy to sign me up. LO lim liek OK DAD NO ..but i kno what he means..its badass u kno cus i mean i had to sit n tell my parents UMM IVE BEEN POPPING PILLS FOR A FEW MONTHS NOW EVERY WEEKEND AT ITS WORST MAYBE 4 TIMES A WEEK...AND I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL THIS MORNING AND THERES GONNA BE A BILL IN THE MAIL...SOO YA. lol and like NOTHING changed. i go out whenver i want, im home at whatever time i want, anybody can come over, like literlly WHOsE PARENTS wuld do that? they DO NO keep tabs on me whatsoever u know, like NOTHING. of course they were disappointed but they said they kind of already knew i was on somethign cause i was always spaced out when i was here and i never was home soo they had already talked bout me possibly being on drugs but u kno my mom of course was having a field day witt the dama, FREAKIGN ME out like "UR BRAIN IS FRYED U CAnT EVEN TALK!!?!?! I DONT EVEN KNO IF ICAN HANDLE THIS RIGHT NOW...MY HEART HURTS..IM GONNA HAVE TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL NOW CAUSE UR GONNA GIVE ME A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN!!" LMAO...haha my mom i love her shes sooooo dramatic its liek NO MATTER WHAT happens she ALWAYS has to be the victim like the attention has to go to her, LOL i just looekd her like..ok. and my dad was of course incredbly calm bout the whoel thing hes like " ok well do you plan on stopping?" i was like.."ur giving me a choice?" lol and hes like " u said a while back ur 18 to stay out of ur life, and im OUT...u think u kno everything u think u can handle this fast life then by all means go ahead find out the hard way..i want to save u from headaches and these types of troubles becus im ur dad and i love you but ur ur own person i cant force u to stop doing drugs and i wont. im giving u the chioce. i wish u wuldnt move out so that u can be here at home and we can take care of this problem together and we can make sure ur not goign back to it butt if u wanna pay money and move out for no reason at all then go ahead. im out of ur life u told me to stay out of it im out. but i just want u to see what happens when u think u have all the answers.ya its fun to be young and im not saying dont go out,that why ive let u n ur brother have freedom but u both kno whats right and whats wrong n im gonna let u make those decisons for yourself. is that why u dropped outta scool? is that why u werent driving ur car last week wen u wrecked it?" literally i felt liek SHIT..i was like "ya i wasnt driving freddy was driving cause i was on drugs and noo i didnt drop out of school for that i jsut didnt wanna wake up in the morning and YES i want to stop." & then of course my mom LOL "IVE HEARD THAT STORIE 100 TIMES FROM MY FATTHER HE USED TO SWEAR UP AND DOWN ON ALL THE SAINTS THAT HE WAS GONNA STOP DRINKING, PPL LIKE U GUYS DONT STOP!!!" LOL i was like ok mom. lol my dad was getting all mad at her like OK IN STEAD OF BEING NEGATIVE HERE AND FOCUSING ON WHATS HAPPEND OR WHAT DID HAPPEN..LETS FOCUS ONTHE WHATS GONAN HAPPEN, WE CAN GET U HELP IF U WANT, LETSJ UST MOVE FOWARD. & so ya that day i moved out and that was that. ive pretty much moved back in already but i still ahve the apt for another mnth and ispend most my day there sooo...anyways the point is like whose other parents would be like so chill bout it? like i have a badass family and they support me u know. im just really thankful for all i have rite now, idont CARE bout what id ont have ,cause what i have is enough. :] last night was soooooooooooo fun, as have been all these nights, lol me lore n denisse were here at my house then we went to dennys and cracked upl like alllllllllllllllllllllllllllll freaking night bout i dont even know what but we could NOT stop laffing, awwwwwwwwwww it was soo funny, we took pics but calm dwn we looekd liek shit LOL :] i lvoe my girlssss. karlz took a rain check cus she was doing homework. way to go :] soo then i came home and knocked out :D soooo noww im gonna get all the sutff i need to decorate the apt tonight and go to my apt maybe swimmmmm :D IDK the world is mine :] peace out.
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