just watching oprah here...all about weddings. woo...it's beautiful.
i want my wedding dress to be black. i want a different wedding. why go with the all traditional white gown? exactly...why??
biology was alright. i think i'll be doing that class next year. then french. we actually worked. wow, i know. then break. ehh. then onto CAPP. we had to fill in this sheet to see how much free time we had each week. i had like 23hours left over. but i messed up on how many hours on the computer; i put 5hours/week. lmao. that's more like per DAY. and all my free time goes to here anyways, so you know. and we got our scheduals for next year. oh yay. i'm switching out of half my classes, so eh.
then i rushed down to the concellor's office, cause i had to tell mr. freeman i was going. he wasn't there, so i just left. i hate walking downtown all by myself like that. all these native guys hang out there, and i was in shorts, and just their stares made me feel like i lost any little bit of dignity i had. then i finally got there, and there was this teenaged mother and her little boy on the front steps, and she smiled at me, and said, "see, look at the girl. she's wearing shorts." i was like...yahhh...? lol. it just looked like life was hard for her, that's all. then i went in there, and asked for dawn. meh. a woman in her 30's came out in a nice skirt outfit, and that was my concellor. she was short, lol. [first thing i noticed about her.] so we go around to her office which is way at the back. i go in, and it's all dark and there was only the glow of this one lamp that filled the room. i was like..ok? was this planned? so we sat across from eachother at this long table, and ya. i cried a lot. she asked a lot of questions. she's really nice though...but..eh. she seems to think something's wrong at home, and shit. i keep telling her no, but i can tell she doesn't buy it. "well, why are you so scared to have your parents know, ashley?" i felt like telling her, "my dad would get really mad, and i'd be *in for it*." but no. can't do that. she asked what it is i feel and ugh. just a whole LOT of questions. i would go through it all...but..it was honestly horrible. she seems to think that i feel really confused. i told her yes, but it's more than just confusion..she said next time i come in she might try drawing therapy with me. ok...she has to analyze my drawing. heh..might actually be fun. she kept on asking if this was helping me at all right now. i lied and said, yes. she made me sign this thing...so that she can contact me at the school whenever. shouldn't have signed it. i cried so much, though. i felt so ashamed. she complimented me on my posture...riight. she said i don't look like the person who i just described to her...of what i had told her. she's like, you hide quite a lot, don't you? i was like...um, ya. then she went on...asked me more questions, made me cry some more...and ya.
but then...at the end, she was like, "if you have any thoughts of suicide or any intentions of harming yourself in any way, you must let me know. i can not promise you that i will not tell your parents, because it would be against the law for me not to, and i would be in a lot of trouble. can you do me a favor? think about ways you could slowly tell your parents about your depression. can you do that? i just think it's best if they know that you're comming here and seeing someone. that they know how you're feeling. i think you should also let them know about your attempt in march. that might help." i couldn't beleive my ears. i wanted to kill her. i should have never told anyone about my little suicide attempt in march. never ever again. it wasn't even a big one, i told her, and she said, "any attempt, is a serious attempt." i was like...fuck you. and she was pretty much threatening me...if i was to tell her anything suicidal or self-injurious, she would have no choice but to turn me in. so....i'm supposed to *talk* to this person about my *problems*...um...how can i, if i know that if i do, i'll get in shit for it? right. this is so fucked up. i hate it all too much. finally, i left. at like 1:20PM. i didn't get back to the school until 2PM. actually, i stopped. i wanted to find a quiet place and just cry. i finally found this rocky place behind a bunch of condos...sat myself down, and the tears were right there. but i saw someone walking. so i didn't. i took out a peice of paper [yes, my pocket is filled with little *note-to-self* notes.] and i had brought my pen...lol, don't ask...and i was going to write some poetry. mmhm. poetry. but i never got around to the actual poem. some german guy came up to me, and was like..."do you know if these apartments are for rent?" i was like...no, sorry. he's like, how do i get in? i was like...go around to the front..? lol..so he leaves. then he comes back. and he's like, there's no entrance! i was like...then i don't know. sorry. and he goes, "well, thanks anyways. i'm from over-seas. Germany. i'm just looking for a place to stay. see you!" and he had this funky little accent, and i was like...ok. he kept on eying me weirdly, and he was quite the site to see; flaming red hair [no exaggeration] dressed in blue, and his eyes were bright blue and stuck out all funnyish. and he walked all weird. and his accent cracked me up....then i wrote a bunch of random shit about that little *adventure* i just had...seriously, i'm such a loser:
Wind blowing all around me,
um..screw poetry at the moment. Some German man just came up to me. He drives one of those pedephile vans. It was white. Erm, I'm just a tad...scared? Yea, that's right. I'm skipping foods. Alone. Go me. Went to that concelling place and it was alright. I'm sitting on some rocks in front of this apartment building in the middle of downtown. I feel like such a bumm. I should head back to class. Sun's so nice though. <3
yea, i'm a loser. ok, after he left, he got into this pediphile van in the alley a ways away. i was so freaked. seriously...i was like...ahh. murderer in disguise!! run! and i did run back to the school. mmhm. i might write more later. i have to go to my sister's jazz class. ehh. and ya. my life is pointless, and there's no need to go into great detail about the rest of my day. oh. lydia ignored me on the bus, like completely. and i was just like, fuck you. i'm like that a lot, so eh. she's such a bitch, i hate her.
but i gotta run for supper.