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my dream [04 Feb 2004|12:33am]
[ mood | sore ]
[ music | Stockholm syndrome - blink 182 ]

Last night i talked to simon on msn for about 5 hours. it was great to talk to him and find out all the things i wanted to know but i just really miss him now. anyway in the 3-4 hours of sleep i had last night i dreamt a wacky dream:
Well for some reason a hit man was out to kill all the people i know. We were in a house and the guy was out the front in a car shooting at us. All my friends were getting shot down and killed around me and i had blood splattered down my clothes. Then the house was on fire and simon saved me. We got in a car and he drove me home to get clean clothes so we could go to his place and i could stay with him. We weren't together but he just cared about me.
I think this symbolises simons love and care for me and helping me when i'm losing the people i need(friends being killed) and everything around me is falling apart(house on fire).
Maybe i'm just a loony but i think it means something...
I miss him so much. i need him so bad. I'm incomplete and helpless without his support. i need to get through this by myself and i need to be strong. it seems pointless to try. i love him and i dont want him to be hurting like i am. he is stronger than me and he can do it.
My stomach aches so badly. There is tears in my eyes from the pain. hopefully it will go away when i stop thinking about this

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[02 Feb 2004|08:33pm]
[ mood | excited ]


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hating myself [02 Feb 2004|12:11am]
[ mood | lonely ]

I'm feeling very down. No self confidence. I realised that its all my fault. If ididnt act like such a dickhead anna wouldnt have abandoned me. If i would just grow up and stop being an immature freak we would still be great friends. And simon i know thats my fault. i never blamed him for that. he's great and i hope he finds a girl that treats him how he deserves to be treated, i too advantage of his love for me and used him without knowing it. he was usch a great guy and i just left him and let him believe it was his fault. i changed not him. i'm sorry simon u deserve someone great and u are better off without me i know you'll be ok. then there is dad. i have always blamed him for everything but if i had of just listened to him nothing would have gone wrong. he was just looking out for me in telling me not to sleep at simons house but i didnt believe him an di thogh ti was right. if i had just sacrificed one thing it would have been fine. dad left me and its my fault. if we didnt have a fight he wouldnt have gone away to the phillipines and he wouldnt have met analou and he wouldnt have another daughter. everything goes goes back to me...i dont want to be like this. i want to be less selfish and i want to be a good person. life is fucked up but i spose it would be dull if it was perfect. i fucking miss you so bad *starts to cry* i miss you so much but i cant stand to think about being with you. why do i make shit so hard. i love you. i'd do anythign to just see you and hug you right now. why cant i just forget. if i didnt want to be with u why do i need you. if i know i dont want u why do i love you. you gave me the best time of my life and also the worst. from one extreme to another i experienced it all with u. thanku simon so much. i appreciate what u've given me and i'm sorry that i hurt u. i want to know how u feel. do u still love me too? do u miss me as much as i miss you? how are u? all these things i cant find out. i'm better off not knowing anyway. this is hard on me too but i know i have nothing to complain about compared to you. i did want this. u didnt. fuck you just go away. i cant stand it. why cant i just forget u even exist. i cant do anything without thinking of you. you're always there following me, reminding me of the great times we had.. i am ok and i'll be fine without u.

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