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Sunday, July 1st, 2007
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8:17a - & To Be Completely Honest Your not Like All The Rest
The Guilt is starting to catch up with me now I know i've done wrong I don't really regret the guy it's what I did this weekend I regret It's not that we did anything it's what I did to see him it just makes me feel like a really sucky person it's really hard being me right now everyone seems to be against me everyone thinks that Im terrible but if they lived in my life they'd know what Im talking about the only really good thing right now is Holly she is my everything I Love her more than anything! but yet my mom keeps telling me if matt finds out anything they can take her from me although I've been the one to look after he ever since the day she was born I've taken care of her helped her when she was sick i've been the one to change her,bathe her & feed her everytime! she is my everything! & somehow she tells me that if something happens between me & Matt the court could take her from me b/c I like this other guy? gahhhhh! I mean I know ppl will think maybe I should try & work things out with Matt but they don't understand I honestly have We've been together for 3yrs & Married for a year & I've tried maybe it's that he's not good emotions or affection which I can't tolerate b/c he's always putting me down like yesterday he was being really immature so I was like Matt you need to grow up & he goes me? have you ever heard you & Bailey together? I was like yeah but we only talk about ppl! & he's like yeah you 2 act like your beautiful & your not! & he tells me this kind of stuff all the time which kills me! & I tried to leave last weekend which I think I already wrote about & for that day he acted like he loved me but I don't wanna have to threaten leaving him for him to be nice to me & act like he loves me!..My dad is mad at me b/c I quit going to church which I know i shouldn't have b/c I didn't need to take Holly out but it's kinda hard to go to church & watch Matt's dad preach when I know what a dick he is at home & I know how fake he is how he beat his dog & his wife when they were first married but the dog thing was recent like last summer he talks about everyone behind their back which I do too but Im not a preacher & I never said I didn't talk about ppl! I know what I do is wrong & yes I feel bad I know seeing the other guy is terrible but it's nice to have someone to talk to that makes you feel happy & this guy makes me the happiest i've been in a relationship in a really long time & were not even together we just kinda connected,my mom hates him now b/c she says he dosent care about me & holly is he sees me now which i don't get that but whatever,I want to leave I really do & Im going to I just gotta get a job first so I can move out on my own im 19 I cannot go back & live with my parents I just can't! once you've been on your own you don't wanna be back under your parents control thats like saying i failed! which In a way I have sometimes I'd like to talk to Matt's ex wife to see how he was to her i mean obviously he wasnt good b/c he cheated with me which is kinda crazy I thought I loved him since I was 8 & always wanted to be with him & now that I have him it's just like ugggh your not at all who i thought you were I think that If his parents would have agreed to let us live together before we were married we wouldnt be in this situation I mean we already had a kid! what would it matter if we lived together but noooo! they were against it! I think that no matter who you are if you think you want to get married you should Always live together for at least a year or so before hand & if that works out go for it otherwise don't bother! but then again who am I to be giving advice? I meet this guy in Monte De Rey & suddenly I like Love him!...am I crazy?...nvm I know the answer to that!...I just feel terrible b/c sometime i don't see how it's soo bad I mean I really care about him & he seems to care about me & he likes Holly she seems to like him I don't wanna take her away from her daddy & he would never take her daddy's place I'd always let them see each other b/c I know she loves her daddy it's just I don't want her growing up like I did thinking there was no such thing as love b/c her parents always argued or never showed affection My Mom told me plenty of time there was no such thing as love or soulmates now suddenly Im 19 she & my dad are divorced she's gettin ready to get married again & she tells me he's her soulmate & there is a such thing as love...& here i am married & I don't exactly believe in it anymore....& if there is a such thing it's obviously not on your side,If i leave Matt then I won't be able to see this guy no one will allow me to see him unless Im legally seperated which takes 6months! ughhh! last night i cried so much i still have a headache this morning,matt & holly are at church which once again makes me feel & look terrible! I just don't know what to do anymore My Daughter comes first! I don't ever want to lose her I just wanna get out of this & Me & Her be on our own & not have to listen to all this I wan't to be able to be happy again I guess Im done now I don't know what else to say & I doubt Im Making sense.............♥BrEeStEr♥
current mood:  annoyed
current music: The Cure-Just Like Heaven (comment on this)
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