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Monday, January 5th, 2004

Time:9:32 am.
so i thought maybe jeff and i were making a break thru.. but i was wrong.. all he sees me as is ass.. i guess last night was the big reality check.. sometimes when i close my eyes i can imagine jeff and i tigether in the future.. smiling, happy... its like were supposed to be together.. i dunno, i spent a majority of last night crying my eyes out because im still hung up on this dream that its gonna happen for us.. and its like ive been waiting forever.. and im sick of waiting... josh is probably yhr only thing right now thats keeping me going.. hes complex, yet hes soft.. hes like the guy ive always wanted to be with.. hardcore on the outside but a nice guy at the core.. hes beautiful in everyway.. and the way he talks about his 4 year old daughter really lets me see ehat kind of a person he really is.. he loves his daughter more than life itself.. and that fact that hes totally gorgeous and choose me of all people blows my mind.. i mean its not all blissful, hes kinda loud and he comes off very jerky.. and its obvious to see that he puts up a bigger emotional wall than i do.. hes paranoid, always worried that im gonna be the next girl to crush him.. and i dont wanna be that girl.. i messed up bad with jeff, and i loved him more than anything on this earth.. i see so much good in josh, and i dont want to lose that.. im too old.. i want something positive.. i miss the life i had with jeff, but made its time to make a new life, despite the fact that i dont want to :-(

Wednesday, November 12th, 2003

Subject:no where
Time:2:57 pm.
i always find myself in the same situations over and over again.. and im soo stuck. i start out good and wind up at the bottom.. jeff is slowly talking to e again.. which is a good thing.. i mean, im hoping we can get back together.. i still have so many feelings left for him.. but in the meantime ive been trying to find someone else to preoccupy my time.. and its turning out to be one disaster after the next..i met this dude on halloween , rick, this guy is smokin hot.. and of course . hes got a girlfriend.. the story of my life.. and not that weve fooled around hes probably not gonna call me ever again.. its kinda like when i hung out with corey, i didnt even touch the kid, but after we hung out and i DIDNT put out, he never called me again.. i dont know what the fuck is going on .. i meet all these guys that like me, but they have girlfriends.. i dont get it.. its not fair.. i mean , i told shawn off about a week ago because he has a girlfriend and i dont want to be bothered anymore.. its ridiculas.. and i was doin good, i even told mike off the other day.. cuz he wanted to kiss me but i wouldnt let him.. i meet the same men over and over again.. im just sick of all this crap.. i wish the universe would just put me and jeff back together where we belong.. and wed both be happy.. this shit is getting ridiculas.. im sick of looking for a guy, im sick of not looking, and im sick of finding all the wrong ones.. and im very sick of all the wrong ones finding me.. i feel like ive gotten sucked into a black hole.. nanother one of my friends just got engaged, and look at me, im no where, doing nothing at all.. its ridiculas.. god help me

Monday, October 6th, 2003

Time:1:06 pm.
i had a dream the other night about my highschool crush.. not that i think about him at all, well at least consciously i dont.. and not that he paied me any attention in highschool or even knew that i existed.. often times i wonder y the heck i have dreams about certain things.. shold i act on them.. what are they telling me.. i really dont have much to talk about.. same ole crap.. i decided to let shit rest between me jeff and my sister.. it was getting out of control and taking a toll on me mentally and physically.. im just looking foward to starting stuff over.. its wierd, it seems whenever i need a change something becomes offered to me.. i just need to learn to take advantage of these opportunities.. im sooo friggen bored.. i want to buy more clothes.. clothes are like therapy to me... guess im done with this entry

Wednesday, October 1st, 2003

Time:3:14 pm.
ive had a lot on my mind today.. a lot of shit is just driving me nuts, because i let it, of course.. renee and jeff.. i dunno, they spent the whole weekend together.. she insists they are firends, but i dunno, im still getting a really wierd vibe.. something just doesnt sit well with the whole situation.. i want to cry and scream, and kick my sisters skanky ass.. but i dunno.. shes lied too many times.. jeff has caused me every hurt i have ever felt.. but STILL im holding on to the illusion that MAYBE someday that well be back together.. i just feel it so deeply.. and maybe all this crap that im goin thru riht now with him and my sister is going to open a doorway.. i just have to remain civil and wait for that door to open.. ive been waiting and praying for soo long now, sometimes i feel like im losing all faith.. my intuitions are always right.. its the waiting that is killing me, its like waiting for paint to dry or water to boil.. my sister is going to do something to fuck jeff up, because thats how she always is.. and i want to be the person that he runs to for comfort.. so i guess ill just sit wait watch and see what happens.. im sick of being the jerk , the bad guy.. its no fun anymore.. i have a bunch of people that hate my guts because i have been selfish.. greg refuses to speak to me, he sayd its because im a gossip and talk about him (yeah right, like theres anything to talk about).. mike is a friggen player and like tage , i exposed him for who he really was, and he doesnt like it.. not that i give two shits about mike or tage.. its just im tryin to maintain friendships not lose them... then this situation with shawn.. hes soo smart and soo hot.. but hes such an ass hole, but i cant say no to him no matter how wrong i know it is.. y cant he just be normal.. i guess i wouldnt like him if he was anyway.. people all around me are gettin married, and il still alone after one year.. never thought this could be my life, but o well.. im trying to make the things i want , to pan out.. guess some time and presistance is what i need, i cant give up on what i want, or on myself.. i just cant let all the things that bring me down keep me there.. tonight, i promise to do some magic..

Monday, September 8th, 2003

Time:11:15 am.
well to keep u update on things, ive been spending a lot of time working and plannin on my move.. i have decided that i am going to move downtown into my dads apt building.. so i have been doing all the overtime that i can.. ive been trying to stay away from my sister and all the BS that she brings that involves jeff.. actually for awhile i havent even thought about him.. ive been putting all that ebergy into the fact that my grandmother has been sick.. and trying to be strong for her.. and she is doing better.. the only downfall is that they will be putting her back in that damn home again.. i had a dream last night that she was actually up and walking.. it was the greatest feeling ever.. but then again it was only a dream.. but she seemed so happy and carefree.. i only wish that i see that in real life also.. speaking of dreams, i actually had a dream that i felt pain.. it was wierd, like i was in the doctors being given a needle and i was screaming because of the pain.. but i really felt it, it was horrible.. ive been ready up on buddism and pagan ideas about dreams.. they say that by writing ur dreams down u become a more intutitive person in the conscious world.. that probably explains a lot of things going on with my intuition lately.. i dont claim to be psychic or anything.. i can only determine events that happen in my life.. like for example, something small, i was in my bathroom getting ready to go out and i saw myself at my usual hang out getting passed out new inserts for the karaoke book.. im thinking to myself, yeah that would be cool if we got some new songs, the songs we have are blah.. so im out on friday night, sitting at the table, and the DJ passes out new inserts.. sure, it could be mere conincidence, but it just seems to happen shortly after i have the thought... its just like i used to know when jeff was gonna call, id hear a ringing in my ear, then seconds later he would call.. now i really dont believe in all the psychic BS, im just trying to figure out y or how i have the ability to center in on certain things.. not that its a bad thing by any means.. i find it interesting and worth learning more about.. anyway,i foud out that shawn has a girlfriend that is pregnant.. i was asking about him on friday and his friend dan told me that he heard he had gotten his girlfriend pregnant.. i just couldnt believe it.. so saturday, out of the blue , shawn calls.. he wants to hang out.. so i ask him about his girlfriend, and he was all shocked that the news had gotten to me.. anyway, he was supposed to call me back, but he didnt, probably because i told him now that hes has a girlfriend, that i wouldnt touch him.. LOL.. men.. jen was also put into the hospital this past week for kinda losing it... guess she had some kind of a breakdown and admitted herself into the hospital.. crazy huh.. im not sure if she got out yesterday or not.. she said she may be there a week, ill probably try calling her tonight when i get home.. so anyway.. thats all i have for today..

Wednesday, August 13th, 2003

Time:2:59 pm.
i really havent written in a long time.. mostly because nothing really interesting has happened.. im still trying to figure out why im having such a dry spell when it comes to my love life.. i just saw shawn again outside my building.. and at the very same second greg walked by, then when i came inside i walked right my mike.. its really starting to suck.. not having aboyfriend that is.. im just not goo when it comes to men i guess, i always seem to mess everything up.. im sooo exhausted.. i really havent had a chance to catch up on sleep since this weekend.. goodstock kicked my ass.. i met some awesome boys there.. and i even made out with a chick.. it was pretty cool .. but now ive been busy , i went out last night and met another boy.. and now im just completely exhausted with all the overtime ive been putting in at work.. im really in debt and need the extra cash so i can take care of zeek.. ive been thinking about jeff again.. im trying to just block him out of my mind altogether.. i miss him tho.. part of me still hangs on to the hope that hell come back.. in the mean time, ive just been doing everything i can to stay busy and not fall into a depressed state again.. i dunno.. just tired i guess.. and trying to prove to myself that im not a loser.. and i dont have to be in a relationship.. that i CAN make it on my own... its still lonely tho.. and it sucks..

Tuesday, July 22nd, 2003

Subject:me me me
Time:12:38 pm.
i had a dream about jeff last night.. this one was different from most of the dreams iv had about him where ive been screaming at him or yelling at him.. it started out, i heard my phone ringing and for some reason before i even answered it, i knew it was him.. so i ran to my phone and said hello, and it was him, and he started talking to me like nothing ever happened, asking me how i was, and me asking him how he was.. then we were hanging out and we started to kiss.. that was really all i remembered about it.. i just remembering feeling like it was long over due, and it felt so perfect.. anyway, mike came over last week and tried to work his magic, but it didnt work, the next day when i came to work he suddenly stopped talking to me, which made me grateful that i didnt put out.. my life really hasnt been all that exciting lately.. work sleep , work sleep.. thats basically all ive been doing.. i just wish i had someone that loved and missed me to go home to.. im so ready for a more siple kind of life

Tuesday, July 15th, 2003

Time:12:47 pm.
i really dont know whats going on.. like all of a sudden no one is talking to me.. gregs not talking to me, jeff stopped talking to me, mike d isnt talking to me, alex isnt talking to me.. i dont get it.. like what the hell is going on.. i feel like i have no friends at all.. like everyone in my life is just disappering.. i really hate this place, i wish i coulda stayed away forever.. the only person who has even spoke to me was scott, but hes a fucking joke.. now that him and kori split, hes up my ass again.. i dont get it.. its like everything is in a strange place right now.. i want so badly to go back and make everything right, but im really not too sure how too.. how can i fix everything ?? maybe i cant, and this is the way things were meant to be.. i hate this.. i also found out that kareokee at irishs has been canceled.. so now my great rockstar life is done and over with.. i havent even drank in weeks anyway.. well except for the 2 smirnoffs at the beach.. i really have nothing to write about, except for how boaring my day has been.. any way.. later

Monday, July 14th, 2003

Subject:im back
Time:10:38 am.
so alas, im back here at work.. nothing has changed, its like time stood still.. i miss virginia.. the tranquility of it all, the ocean, the beach, the sun..but now im back in my doom.. with all the headaches.. i really didnt miss this place at all, except for my few friends..i still havent been able to contact alex.. i call cand callm but he never calls back.. i really dont understand guys too much, nor do i think i ever will.. i just really wish i knew where i belonged in this life.. i always seem to feel so displaced.. akward, and not too sure of anything.. at the beach , i had no worries, it was great.. just watching the ocean was soo therapudic.. i coulda stayed there foreverm sitting on the beach.. doing absolutely nothing at all.. work is pretty blah today, same ole crap.. trying to pretend like i love what i do.. but i really dont like anything about this place.. im yearning for the sun.. but around here it seems like the sun never shines.. i want so badly to fix the wrongs of my life and be in a happy place.. the feeling i had sitting there watching the waves.. i dont want to be the one that makes waves anymore.. i wish i could find a good guy and start a new direction in my life.. i wish i could find some solitude.. friends i could trust.. a place where i belonged and was loved and wanted.. i cant even begin to imagine what my life has in store for me.. thinking back, i never imagined id be 25 and living my life this way.. dreams come true, not free..

Thursday, July 3rd, 2003

Time:1:30 pm.
so last night i hung out with gregs friend alex.. hes cute i guess in a goofy kind of 21 year old way.. i mean hes pierced and has tattoos.. but hes really young, and he kept trying to kiss me.. and i just felt wierd about the whole thing.. i tried talking to greg about it, but he doesnt want to get involved with it or even talk about it for that matter.. which is wierd because hes the one that started this whole thing.. so anyway , i was there till 6 this morning where i left went home and came to work.. so i havent had any sleep whatso ever.. im exhausted.. i cant wait to go home and just pass out.. this is fourth of july weekend and i have no plans at all.. and right now im so tired that i dont even ccare.. i have tomorrow off which is a good thing.. i barely made it thru this week.. its been hell with all this new traning.. learning new shit.. having a social life and getting to work on time.. im just worn out.. right now im dirt poor.. this vacation has wiped me out.. ill have about 30 bucks spending money for the week, which sucks ass.. stever wrote me an e mail today saying he wanted to hang out with me.. which is wierd considering that every once and awhile i ask him to hang out and he says no.. maybe something is going on with him and his woman.. maybe hes not happy anymore.. maybe all this time i thought i was having the shitty life when in reality my exs are getting exactly what they deserve, misery.. and i hate to say it, but that makes me happier than shit.. i always think im the one thats miserable, and my exs get nothing but happiness, but maybe i was wrong.. still havent hear from tage.. maybe he just gave up and left me alone for good this time.. i hope so, ive been stressing out for the past 2 weeks over his bull shit.. and no shawn as of yet.. im thinking, what if all these boys call at once, like what will i do.. who will i hang out with.. probably steve, i hardly ever see him.. and honestly i do think about him from time to time.. even tho he was a jackass.. sometimes u dont realize what u had until its gone.. and maybe hes had a realization. . maybe not, maybe hes just a scumbag still ... i dont know, i just dont understand y the hell he cheated on me, but now hes with a fat ugly heffer and hes engaged,, how is that normal.. its like they say, love is blind deaf and dumb.. anyway, i have to figure out a way to make it thru this day without falling asleep.. so i guess ill talk to u when i get back from my travels.. later

Wednesday, July 2nd, 2003

Subject:more garbage
Time:12:27 pm.
so toady at work they have me doing work for another unit.. not like i care, but they make such a big fuss on the work output in my unit that i really dont understand y they have me stop my work to do someone elses.. i mean, i really dont mind... its just something else i get to do.. a new task.. i woke up this morning with a "fuck jeff" attitude.. it was really strange.. like it takes me forever to get to these points.. but i think now my mind has had enough torment.. i really have to concentrate on work.. i am dirt poor and i really seriously need to get my shit together.. greg is trying to hook me up with one of his friends, and for the first time ever i said im not interested.. didnt have to think about it.. although i am tempted to meet someone new, i just cant bring myself to meet any more men... havent heard back from tage yet.. which is great.. i really dont need his constant harassment on a daily basis.. i just cant wait to get out of here.. this whole town is bringing me down.. still waiting to hear from shawn, which i dont think he will call anyway.. and even if he does call, all hell want is sex.. and i cant deal with that right now.. im too vunerable to any kind of attention right now, ill probably just misconstrue everything anyway.. well at leat the weather is nice around here... that helps.. maybe things are gonna start to get better.. i really do hope so, because i have been highly anticipatiing it for awhile now.. i can only hope for better things, because everything is just crappy right now.. ok then back to work.. i guess ill write tomorrow cuz i dont have work on friday.. soo , LATER

Tuesday, July 1st, 2003

Time:3:17 pm.
i wish i could go back and re write my life.. things could be so much better now knowing what i know.. trent may still be alive, maybe jeff and i would have and a better relationship, or still be together today.. or maybe i would have given up on him before i even tried going after him.. and if i didnt meet jeff would i have met tage.. if u really take aprt ur life, and start disecting everything... its like the domino effect, one action affects another.. its actually pretty dizzing.. i wonder what the onset of my depression anxiety was.. genetics ?? but y did it hit full force when i was grown.. i mean, y couldnt it stayed dormant.. y do i have to be the way i am.. tage says i have a problem with letting go.. and hes right , i do.. i also have a bad habbit of believeing people who i cared for.. just in my expierence with tage and jeff, they both took me on an emotional coaster.. and not that im saying im not at fault, and i shoulda just let them go while i had the chance, i always held out hope.. i just dont understand y you would drag someone thru so much emotional torment for ur own self satisfaction.. some guys dont do that.. like greg, he is very careful.. if he feels at all that i am putting sex and emotion together, he backs off.. thats probably because he knows where im coming from, and what ive been thru.. with some guys its easier than others.. i want a boyfriend so badly, i really do hate being alone.. but its just driving me crazy having to put up with all the BS.. i feel like im goin insane.. like ive lost myself completely.. all i want is to be happy, and it just seems so hard.. i mean, its like its just outside my reach, i can see it, but i cant obtain it.. and i dont know how to go about getting it.. this past year has probably been the hardest year of my life.. and after talking to other friends about their relationships, i feel like maybe i wont fully recover from jeff.. theres too much there.. too much stuff that never got resolved, and too much emotion left standing.. it was a bad break up, and i never want to have to deal with something like that ever again.. this past year i have had to deal with more loss then i ever have encoutered in my life.. and maybe, i just didnt know how to handle it all.. and ill be the fisrt one to admitt that im not good with dealing with stuff.. i know theres something good just beyond the horizon waiting for me.. it just seems so outta reach..

Monday, June 30th, 2003

Subject:stupid people
Time:3:58 pm.
any way , a lot of crappy stuff has been going on.. jeff, is being a total ass hole, which isnt really anything new.. tage on the other hand insists that he has an arrest warrant out for me.. for hacking into his yahoo mail, which i didnt.. so i dont know how the hell he can prove that i did.. i have spent the last few days tracing IP addresses and looking up legal stuff online.. the whole situation is getting ridiculas.. considering i didnt do shit to this kid.. its amazing on how much he hates me to put me thru this torment.. luckily i will be out of the state as of the end of the week.. he thinks hes going to get me fired from my job as well.. ive talked to a few people and they tell me me talking out his ass.. but i wont put anything past that kid.. he is a fucking psycho, and now that i know better i will never talk to him again after all this crap.. ya know, i cared about that kid because i knew he had probs.. and i know what its like to have probs and not having anyone understand.. i wanted to be his friend if nothing else.. i guess i just didnt know what i was getting myself into.. he is like jeckyll and hyde.. one person one minute and a whole different person the next.. i cant keep up with his lies.. its ridiculas.. so let this be a lesson to myself to STAY AWAY.. im seriously a jackass magnet.. any way, danny i guess hacked into my sisters e mail account.. and now everything is fucked up with that situation... i hate my sister.. shes also another pathological liar.. and now my job is being ass holes to me.. i just cant stand it.. everything has just crumbled right before my eyes.. its like i seriously hit rock bottom.. i just dont know how to save myself.. its like the world around me is moving at top speed and leaving me behind to drown.. i saw shawn today, and i guess that was probably the highlight of my day.. hes such a hottie.. too bad he falls into the jackass category.. just another boy to hurt me.. good thing i dont like men anymore... i guess im kinda content with the way my life is now.. just being alone and dealing with myself.. sometimes i do wish i had someone, but i guess im just not mentally capeable of dealing with relationship

Monday, June 23rd, 2003

Subject:lifes a bitch, then u marry one
Time:10:18 am.
i soent the last couple of days just being so repulsed by men.. like seriously, i dont want to date a man, or even look at a man for that matter.. im not saying that i plan on being gay er anything.. im just so fed up with men.. just the thought of me being with a man again makes my stomach turn. i guess i spent all this time trying so hard to forget about jeff i just have emotionally exhausted myself.. this whole thing with him and my fucking hoe bag sister.. its all got me kinda tired out.. i thought i could just forget and move one.. but i cant.. obviously this whole renee thing has brought out emotions that ive been trying so hard to repress.. but i just cant get the feeling that everything will work out , out of my head.. its like a really strong instinct.. but what do i know.. i took a personality test and heres how i came up.

Paranoid personality disorder is characterized by a distrust of others and a constant suspicion that people around you have sinister motives. People with this disorder tend to have excessive trust in their own knowledge and abilities and usually avoid close relationships with others. They search for hidden meanings in everything and read hostile intentions into the actions of others. They are quick to challenge the loyalties of friends and loved ones and often appear cold and distant to others. They usually shift blame to others and tend to carry long grudges.

"excessive trust in their own knowledge and abilities".. that would be me.. so qiuckly to believe in my instincts and intuitions.. because maybe thats all i really have to hang on to.. i actually spent the weekend not caring abount anything.. caught up on some sleep, and just took it easy.. i even went out drinking and didnt make an ass out of myself.. it was really nice.. i was able to just let everything go.. and maybe thats just because im so fed up with everything.. i know what i want.. and i know what im worht.. i m not worth the way ive been treated by jeff or tage or greg or mike.. its ridiculas.. i know i have some deep issues, buit that doesnt make me a bad person.. insecure, maybe.. but now a bad person.. i know i have a good heart.. and i do give a lot of myself to the worng people it seems.. i let myself be hurt over and over again because thats subconsciously what i feel i deserve.. ive spent the majority of my life believeing that i wasnt good enough for anyone ... because ive always let people make me feel that way.. but i know thats not true.. i have great friends.. and an awesome mom that has helped me thru almost evey horrible aspect of my life.. without her i dont know how id make it this far.. and maybe in my journey ive take a few wrong turns.. but i guess thats part of the journey.. and as far as jeff goes.. i do love him.. i cant help it.. i only wish hed see how much he means to me.. and i wish he could see the fun that we had together, and that we are truely soulmates.. and i wish for myself a better live with love and happiness, because i feel its well deserved..

Wednesday, June 18th, 2003

Subject:my sister the bitch
Time:11:12 am.
anyway, yesterday i wasnt here because the night before danny and i went to jeffs apartment to find renee, and of course she was there.. sitting nice and cozy next to him drinking beer.. i mean, what the hell.. how can she sit there and lie to me.. and how can he be such a bastard.. i know i should just forget about him all together.. i know my life would be so much easier.. beut i just cant.. its like i purposely like to beat myself up about him.. i just dont get it.. i dont get him, and i cant stand her.. i just really cant stand anyone right now.. tage is fucking playing his games again saying he didnt come out friday cuz supposedly im hacking into his e mail, which is a bunch of crap.. im just sick of everyone.. i was trying to get ahold of shawn, but he went to flordia for the weekend.. i just have no one.. i even told ian that i couldnt hang out with him anymore because it was becoming too much for me.. everything just seems to be racing out of control.. zeek is 5 months old today.. i guess hes really the only thing i have right now.. i have something to take care of.. and worry about.. hes like my baby.. i cant wait to go to virginia.. i cant wait to get out of this damn town and do nothing for a week.. to be able to not think would be a friggen breath of fresh air.. my friend ben wants me to go down to texas.. he said hell buy me a ticket.. i have to do something.. my life is in total chaos.. not like my life ever goes smoothly anyway.. theres always something.. i just cant remember when i let myself get like this.. so out of control, so out of touch with whats really important.. if i didnt have my mom id probably be locked up in the looney bin right about now.. i feel like im already half way there.. im still waiting for it to get better, but its not.. my mom says i have to want it to be better.. and i do, so badly i just dont know how to go about it.. i just want to sleep for days.. yeah im here today, but im tired as hell.. about to fall asleep at my desk.. thats probably because i cant manage to fall asleep until at least 2 in the mornin.. and its really starting to become aggrivating.. i have this vision that someone will come along and everything will be great.. but i just dont know when.. and i really dont have a lot of patience to sit here waiting around.. it just always seems like everyone is happy but me.. i just want it to be my turn for a change

Monday, June 16th, 2003

Subject:stupid girl
Time:11:16 am.
anyway, tage never showed up on friday, and i know ur not in the least surprised.. actually i havent heard from him since i saw him on thursday.. and im sure once i do hear from him again, hell have a really good story.. and im not too sure im buying his stories anymore.. i just wish he wasnt so retarded.. i mean, what the hell.. i know, im pretty dumb for going back to him over and over again.. i just dont understand what the hell it is about him.. so lets see, friday night i went out.. but it was a disaster as always.. we get to irishs and i was just sooooo not feeling the ian thing anymore.. so i call up greg to come hang out.. he shows up at the bar right when a fight broke out between this dudem and stars boyfriend.. he had a bloody nose and everything.. so anyway, greg is there and hes like, im leaving, i hate bars.. so im like fine then, leave.. at this point i was just so aggrivated, i didnt care..but he agreed to stay until i sang my last song.. so i go up and sing, and greg wants to leave.. prior to all this.. i got into a big argument with ian about cigarettes and all this other crap.. and then start started bitching at me saying since i have a boyfriend that i shouldnt be talking to guys at the bar.. which REALLY fucking pissed me off because ian IS NOT my boyfriend.. i just was sooo aggrivated, i couldnt wait to leaveso me and grag leave, and im like totally plastered.. so i wind up going back to his house where we messed around and spent the night.. saturaday, i wound up sleeping all damn day.. literally.. so that was a total waste of a day.. sunday, i spent faters day with my dad.. we all went up to washington park where they had a lobster roast.. so we hung out there for awhile.. and i saw shawn.. and damn, he looked soooo good.. i said hi to him, and he gave me a kiss on the cheek and said hed call me.. which he wont im sure.. so we leave and i go back to my parents house and me and my sisters decided were gonna return bottles.. so we all go up to price crapper and guess whos working the bottle machines.. yup, good ole scumbag jeff.. but tony was there too.. and for some reason he seemed to just hang out at the bottle machine the whole time i was there.. hes damn hot.. ughh.. anyway.. that was my crazy weekend.. at some point i really need to get some sun cuz im pale as a ghost :0( .. ok well todays a nice day, so i might sit out during lunch time.. any how, talk to ya later ~m~

Friday, June 13th, 2003

Subject:booty call
Time:12:09 pm.
ok, well i spent last night hanging out with tage.. things seem to be moving along smoothly so far.. he bought me food and cigarettes.. it was really cool.. i coulda fell asleep right next to him.. im hoping hes gonna come out tonight.. id love to bring him out into public and show him off.. that would be awesome.. hmmm, i really dont have much to tell today.. except for the fact that im like completely exhausted.. i feel like i could sleep for a month.. anyway, greg, of all people, calls me up last night at like 1 in the morning and asks me for a booty call.. W T F.. i dunno.. i didnt accept.. im gonna try to have a normal relationship with one guy.. and im hoping its gonna be with tage.. im gonna do everything right, and try not to be a controlling bitch.. hes sexy, and smart and always has something to talk about.. but still the issue at hand is ian.. and im still not too sure what to do about that.. i have to tell him eventually, but its gonna be hard.. i know what its like to be hurt.. i just want to do things right.. any way, besides that.. theres not really much else.. maybe i should just go home tonight and sleep. nah.. ~m~

Thursday, June 12th, 2003

Subject:Tage strikes again
Time:8:31 am.
yeah, as u may have already guess tage finally made his way to my house.. now this time he says he was in jail for 4 days.. im just not sure what to believe with him.. half of everything he says is exaggerated, and the other half isnt true at all.. but the thing is i love being with him.. i feel comfortable, and happy.. like if he was to stop being the player he is, hes make an awesome boyfriend.. i mean i did date him briefly in the past, and it was great.. parading around with him like he was my new diamond ring or something.. i dunno.. i just feel a strong connection between him and i.. he says hes going golfing today then hell stop by afterwards.. yeah yeah.. again , not holding my breath.. it just sucks cuz i can totally see myself falling for him.. so today i look like a total bag lady again.. i didnt get to bed until 3 am, and im just happy i got up early enough for work.. been sleeping a lot better since tage came back.. i like having something else to care about.. it takes my focus off of myself.. its been pretty quiete here at work.. no one has really said too much to eachother. and actually i like it better that way.. i really dont need to know everyones business, and i really dont care to share any more of mine with them.. now ian.. im completely lost as what to do with the situation. i mean, were not dating.. we hang out, thats about it.. do i tell him im hanging out with my ex.. or not chance losing a good friend to tage the jackass when he pulls a no show again.. im so torn in my head.. i dont want to hurt anyones feelings.. but i am sooo totally not feeling it with ian.. i wish i was.. hed be the perfect guy.. but instead i want the bad boy, as always.. the one that will leave me high and dry... and porbably break my heart into pieces.. ughh.. im not gonna make any decisions until i see tage make a consistant effort to be with me.. then ill make my choice.. thats really the only thing i can do now.. just wait and see what happens.. well , i need a dew.. later ~m~

Wednesday, June 11th, 2003

Subject:something or other
Time:12:58 pm.
today i feel good.. despite it being a really crappy day, its really not turning out half bad.. i got up nice and early this morning and i was actually about to get dressed for work... no hat today.. actually did my hair.. amazing.. i saw mike a few times today, and he didnt even look at me.. i dont know whats going on with that, and i probably dont want to know.. still havent heard a damn thing from tage.. i swear, not that i think about it, im thinkin he was probably high when he came over that night.. probably the only reason y he gave me his number.. but y is he so damn hot.. ughh.. i still miss jeff more than ever.. its been a long time, but it still hurts to think about him.. fathers day is this sunday and im going to make every effort to be around my parents.. as much as i totally value my family, i still have the erge to punch my sister in her face.. its hard to be around her and pretend like im not pissed off at her.. the whole situation makes me sick to my stomache actually.. spent most of today talking to greg.. he went to a buddhist temple yesterday.. that sounds like something really cool to see.. i mean, i dont know anything about buddhism.. but ive never seen a buddhist temple before.. i bet its cool as hell.. i dunno.. i just feel like all my shit is together today.. i havent really been talking to ian that much... hes just really not my type.. but i feel like im being superficial cuz hes such a nice guy.. im trying really hard so see past a lot of things with him.. but i cant.. and now i dont know what to do.. i couldnt sleep at all last night, and i just spent the majority of the night looking at my cieling.. thinking about all sorts of shit.. how lonely ive been.. and how sad ive been.. its just like my life is on standstill right now.. still waiting for that glimmer of hope to shine thru.. id love more than anything to be in a meaningful relationship again.. but im just not finding it, anywhere.. and ive even just tried not to try.. and still nothing.. i just cant imagine my life being this way forever.. it just sucks.. anyway.. thats about it for today.. ~m~

Tuesday, June 10th, 2003

Time:12:22 pm.
im so sick of myself.. im always tired, i dont want to do anything.. i can barely drag myself into work everyday.. i just feel like crap.. beyond crap and i dont know y.. im not lazy, well at least i try not to be, but i just cant seem to get myself to do anything.. im like a blob, just blobbing around.. vacation is 3 weeks away.. and im tellin ya , it couldnt be a better god sent.. im sick of everything.. im sick of wearing this hat i always wear.. i mean , i really wear it to hide my face cuz i hate the way i look.. i just hate everything.. i went home yesterday and chopped off over 4 inches of hair myself.. i dont fucking care.. greg e mailed me out of the blue telling me about how he hung out with his ex love of his life tina.. like i fucking care.. when am i gonna be the love of someones life.. im soo sick of this crap.. i cant even find a guy i even remotely like.. its BS.. im sick of it all.. its annoying.. i cant seem to do anything right and i dont understand it.. i think i need more like a month off.. that would be better.. a month , then i could go to hawaii or something.. just far away from here, where just for a little while i could escape.. rebecca is being a bitch ever since our fall out.. and its really starting to get annoying.. i wish someone could pry open my head and fix whatever it is that is wrong with me, because i dont know.. im so damn good at analyzing other people, but i have no clue what the hell is going on with me.. and it just sucks.. im just gonna be one of those cranky ole bag ladies with a million cats that yells at little kinds when a ball comes on my lawn.. i used to hate those old ladys.. i could never understand y they were so miserable.. but when ur a kid, the only thing that really makes u miserable is not getting a toy u want at the store.. and even that passes.. things seemed so much better back then.. or were they.. i can remember a lot of stuff from when i was a kid.. like i always remember being insecure about stuff.. even when i was really little.. i guess iv always had some form of anxiety.. back then, they just assumed u were shy.. but it goes beyond shy when u truely fear judgement of other people.. it sucks.. sometimes i just want to hide inside myself and never come back.. but u cant just hide.. it doesnt solve shit.. ugghh.. i dont know.. if anyone out there is in the miracle business, please pass one my way.. because i am truely on the verge of losing everything.. including my mind.. so now i will just sit here and pretend to do work.. because i hate it here.. i feel like a black sheep.. but wahtever.. im starving..later ~m~

Blurty for x_gurl53.

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