Saturday, January 8th, 2005

Subject: blah Time: 5:04 pm. Mood: listless.

the last few months have been blah. i have no money. the suspension is finally taking its toll. no money = bad mental health. chip is an ass, so is jeff, so are all men for that matter. havent had any prospects in months. its depressing. and quickly approaching is my 27th birthday and i still have accomplished nothing. christmas was alright. new years eve was better tho, had a great time. i guess one good day out of a million bad ones is something to be greatful for. its snowing like crazy outside. i even shoveled the sidewalk earlier. i just find myself becoming so angry in the last month. just angry at everything and everyone. me and my neighbor sam talk sometimes. well i talk he just sits there making wierd faces at me like im strange. its a game i play, purposly acting strange, people dont know the real me and thats comforting. the real me is boaring lazy, sad, and bitter.. no one needs to know all that. some people thinks its a great thing to know urself. people often search to find themselves their whole lives. maybe thats the thing. i already know myself inside and out. i had a memory the other day of me as a kid. i was in the grocery store in the checkout line, and i can remember thinking to myself as a kid, why is everyone juding me. they are looking at me, juding me,callling me ugly.. ive always felt out of place in this world. ive lived my whole life feeling inferior to everyone else. what a relief it is to pretend to be someone else sometimes. to pretend like im wierd, or happy.. at least then i have some control over what people think. i have no control over how i feel. i can take my pills and be sedated, or i can not take them and feel like shit. again, no control, the pills have the control. i have no control over my happiness, or my sadness. its always there, either masked by medication or out there for the world to see. im still in love with a loser guy that thinks its cool to be a loser and doesnt even think once about me. then when im really low i try to get the attention of past losers in my life full knowing that they are jerks. i just dont get myself. maybe some of us were just born to suffer, mentally for some , physically for others.. its very sad.. happiness, thats the best gift i could get right now. real true happiness. thats not again taken away.

Subject: cant sleep Time: 4:09 am. Mood: awake. Music: No Doubt - Its my Life.

day 2 of the never ending i cant sleep phase. i went thru this last night too.. i feel like a big lump, i havent done a god damn thig these past few weeks but lay in bed.. sometimes i feel like my brain is constantly trying to find answers to the things i have not found closure to.. Like , y am i still single, what happened with chip etc etc .. ive lately found myself remembering the past. Shawn and nick, what ever happened to those boys.. i miss so much of my old life.. partly because it was so exciting... it made me feel alive.. lately i just feel like theres nothing.. theres no one to blame but myself.. the constant in everything has been me.. thru every relationship that has failed, i have been the one that was the cause.. i dont know many women that can admitt to that kind of thing, but i can.. i dont even know how to deal with being with a guy anymore.. i dont think i could trust anyone anymore.. ive been thru so much pain.. my gut still tells me that jeff is the one, i cant stress enough how big the feeling is.. but i dont think it will happen until i change.. the way i think and act towards guys.. im am just so distrusting and mean.. i just dont know how to start all over again.. where do i go ??? what do i do for that matter.. my life is like a constant cloud of questions in my head.. like an obsessed women i just cant stop until i have answers.. i will not let myself turn into jen.. i find myself looking foward to the days that jeff decides to come over, but unlike the past i dont find myself obsessing over it.. maybe im just at the point of being so emotionally exhausted that i dont care.. i hope i fall asleep soon tho.. this is driving me nuts.. is there really no one out there for me ?? its kinda sad to imagine being alone forever..

Subject: Crap as usual Time: 9:24 pm. Mood: blah. Music: White Flag-Dido.

anyhow, ive been sitting in my house alone for the past week. I can barely find enough energy in my day to get up and shower. but i do, cuz not showering is just not acceptable.. im light headed and i just feel sick.. sick of everything.. my life is at a standstill, no movement at all.. no new relationships, no old ones rekindled.. just blahness surrounds me.. i tried joining a dating service only to find some of the most hideous men in the plant.. its just so discouraging.. i havent talked to chip at all after he pulled that little disappearing act.. he started putting up these stupid away messages on his IM so i finnally blocked him.. y torture myself, its not worth it.. Jeff only comes around went he wants someone to get in his pants, and of course i dont say no cuz im weak.. im weak and lonely and giving up on myself.. i even went so low as to go to the corner bar by myself last night only to becaome aggrivated after these 2 dudes who were talking to me started about jesus.. who the hell goes to a bar to talk about jesus ??? is this really my life ?? is this really what its going to be like.. im broke from this whole partial suspension thing.. im just soo UGHHH right now... i sit in bed watching lifetime all damn day.. i barely eat cuz the thought of eating means having to buy more food which means money which is something i dont have :-/ .. everyone thinks im a nutcase, thats probably beacause i partly am.. i dont know what to think or do anymore.. im sick of trying.. im just so exhausted.. i have no one to blame but myself.. im a lazy lump of a person who doesnt want to do anything but be a lazy lump.. but at the same time i hate being a lazy lump.. i want to be happy.. god i want that more than anything else.. people just dont understand what its like to be a miserable lump day in and day out.. its like living in ur own personal torture chamber.. i dont know what the answer is for me.. i know all my problems, and my issues, and i know what to do to make it better.. im just soo blah, stuck.. just waiting still for that one glimmer of hope that never comes.. anything , SOmething.. so tonight, on a friday night, i will be in bed watching lifetime.. because i have no friends and just dont feel up to doing anything productive

Subject: My Suckie Life Time: 9:42 pm. Mood: numb.

I wonder if anyone knows what its really like to live in my head for a day.. i have such a problem with letting go of things.. it kinda eats at me until i have a satifactory answer.. im always searching for answers that i never get.. im always left feeling hurt.. no one understands me.. i dont think i even understand myself half the time.. i just feel so alone in this world.. i think about all the things i ahve and how it could be so much worse.. i dont have the ability to be happy.. i have spurts of happy feelings, but nothing that ever lasts.. im constantly self destructing my happiness, finding ways to not be happy.. not that i do it on purpose, it just happens.. ill never be in a relationship.. i mean even if i could find someone that could put up with me it would be short lived like it always is.. or ill just wind up with some loser ass hole that treats me like garbage.. im sick of living and feeling like this.. ive been miserable my whole life.. even when i thought i was happy i was miserable.. chip is gone, theres nothing i can do to salvage that.. i fucked up and now i have to live with the consequences.. like i always do.. i ran into scotty mac last night, what a fucking jerk off.. what did i see in him again ?? oh yeah, hes a rockstar.. what a loser, i hope i never see him again.. talk about arrogant.. i dont want to be alone the rest of my life.. thats my biggest fear.. im just at a loss as to what i should do.. i need a lot of help.. im so helpless.. i just sit here and cry.. i feel like i dont belong anywhere.. no one wants me.. im always saying and doing the wrong thing.. im a walking disaster.. sometimes i feel like im screaming so loud in my head, but no one hears me crying out.. i want so badly for some to take me by the hand and help me.. support me, just be there to listen.. but it never happens.. im just so stuck.. lost.. sometimes i sit here looking out the window, and i see life going on all around me.. life is happening without me.. god has forgotten about me along the way i think, or maybe god just gave up..

Subject: Scotty Mac Time: 10:02 pm. Mood: disappointed.

I still havent heard from scotty, and im starting to think im not going to hear from him at all.. Eveno thos we only shared a few kisses, i just felt so close to him.. Not that im on the verge of tears or anything like that, im juts sick of being let down.. i thought he would be different, him being older than me n all.. Maybe when the summer is over ill give him a call.. or maybe ill be with someone else.. but i highly doubt it.. in other news, im trying to go on a diet but im not losing any weight.. it sucks, im walking and drink water and eating better so i dont know whats up.. its soo damn hot today, friggen humid as hell.. my perfect life would be me sitting on a beach.. a beach that was never humid.. ehh, i really have nothing good to write.. its too friggen hot to think anyway.. i might as well just sit here being depressed and just eat everything in site and get fat.. who the fuck cares anyway

Subject: The Plan.. Well So far Time: 10:38 pm. Mood: okay.

anyway, i just want to start off by saying that tonights season finale of One tree hill SUCKED ASS.. Chad Michael Murray is too hot to be the loser of the show.. BOGUS.. anyway, now thats out of my system.. ive been hanging out with Adam, jesse's older bro almost everyweekend now.. not that im really into him or anything, hes just the only guy that is willing to be around me right now.. he usually meets up with me at karaoke and then we go see the bands at bleeker.. anyway, im not too sure how im feeling about this.. hes tried to kiss me a few times but hes gotten shot down every time.. i think theres a wierdness cuz i used to like adam a long time ago.. and i know his 2 younger brothers, so its all wierd to me.. and i dont know if i will take it any further than a friendship.. so i told chip that basically if u snooze u lose, and he lost.. i mean what kind of tard guy says hes interested the goes and acts all dumb and doesnt put in any effort at all.. im too old for these bull shit games.. guys are the biggest game players.. they sit there and talk about how girls are bitches, and play games, but they are the one that act like ass holes and cant make a decision for the life of them.. i actually got an e mail from tage on mothers day.. it really didnt say much of anything, which is good cuz the only thing he seems to write about is crap.. so im kinda glad that the e mail was vague.. im assuming he isnt living at home anymore cuz he said he really doesnt go online that much.. maybe they put him back in the looney bin where he belongs.. and i had a sweet ass plan to burn his ass once and for all.. i havent really talked to josh at all since the night we fooled around in his car, and im glad.. he still sends me stupid ass e mails, like jokes n stuff, like i read them anyway.. ok now the plan, i really want to go to flordia this summer, and im figuring that if i keep slacking off at work that there will be no way in hell that ill be able to manage this.. so i figure that i bust my ass for the next month or so so maybe ill have just enough time left on my card to get the hell out of this wretched hell hole for 2 weeks.. so i figure, try to go to bed early so i can actually manage to fall alseep before 3 am.. and do some overtime, which is worse than being at work in the first place, but i think if i try i can do it.. OH PLEASE GOD LET ME BE ABLE TO DO THIS.. ok well i guess im outty

Subject: Josh Time: 10:20 pm. Mood: devious.

There is only one way to get back at an ass hole, and that is to screw them over just as bad. Jsh showed up at the bar on saturday. It was wierd at first, considering that i wanted to punch him in the face. I approached him by calling him a scumbag and then giving him the finger infront of his friends.. Later that night after a few drinks, i decided it was time to take matters into my own hands.. Now prior to this i had a slight feeling that he was seeing someone but never really asked him about it cuz i didnt fucking care, but at the bar i finally pulled him outside to talk.. At first i was all emotional giving him a bunch of crap saying i didnt want to be around him cuz i still cared about him, blah blah blah... when it was really because i though he was scum and didnt really want to deal with him.. then he started telling me that he met a girl.. Suddenly, something triggered in my head.. This was SOOOO fucking perfect.. The next thing u know i was all up on him, like velcro.. touching him and kissing him.. How great it was, to expose him for the ass hole hes always been.. At that point nothing really happened.. and he wound up leaving with his friends off to another bar.. but i wasnt thru, i had to really make his life miserable.. i called him like an hour after he was gone.. telling him how sexy he was and how much i missed him.. all he said was thanks and that was the exten of the convo.. 10 mins later he calls me back asking if he could meet up with me before i left the bar.. OF COURSE i said.. my plan was working flawlessly.. he comes back to the bar and i but him a shot.. he was totally fucked up.. so i asked him to leave so we can fool around.. now i live by one rule when it comes to guys... if i know they are dating someone i dont even bother.. but this was a special case.. we went for a ride in his car and we parked someone where and let just say things suddenly came up, and some business was taken care of.. lets just fast foward to the net day.. i want to make sure that total guilt would settle in , so i wrote him the e mail telling him how great he was and how i cared about him sooooo much.. now here comes the tricky part.. i knew he was seeing someone but not to the extent of it.. so i text messaged him today, just to kinda rub salt in the wounds, i told him i missed hime.. he calls me back like 2 mins later telling me that im going to get him in trouble.. now something didnt seem right to me, call it , intuition.. i call him back later asking him if hes living with the girl, and he says YES.. how fucking perfect.. i was like, O M G josh, u are totally fucked up, then i started laughing hysterically.. he hung up on me.. but i figured, hey, this was more than i could have ever expected.. now hes probably at home shitting a brick worried about shit getting out.. it couldnt be more fabulous.. i know, it seems a little evil and immature, but i seriously hate all men right now.. as far as im concerned they are all fucking jackasses.. they all cheat and they are all scumbags.. and josh got what he deserved, so now i can sit back with a smile

Subject: Christys last day Time: 12:33 am. Mood: crushed.

today was christys last day at work.. And its hit me pretty hard.. i totally lost it at work today and i had to leave early.. i didnt want to because i knew i might not ever see her again.. ive been crying my eyes out since i got home at 330 today.. the whole day just started off crappy and progressively got worse throughout the day.. i tried to hold every emotion in that ive had for so long and it jut kinda exploded into this big emotional breakdown.. i think the only time ive felt as close to this bad is when me and jeff broke up.. i feel emjpty and lost.. i dont even want to go back to work.. my mind is just numb right now and im handeling it really crappy.. i really didnt expect her leaving to cause such an impact like this.. but ive known her for at least 3 years now, and shes been such a great riend to me.. probably one of the best female friends ive ever had in my entire life.. she started crying today when i left and it was all i could do not to lose it completely..im really going to miss her, more then i ever thought .. my mom thinks im making too much of a big deal of this whole thing, but its not happening to her.. all my friends are being fired.. im not going to have anyone left. i had this dream today that some guy was sleeping next to me and telling me it was gonna be ok.. it felot so real, i woke up real quick thinking it was real.. and i turned real quick to see if there was anyone next to me, but of course no one was there..sometimes i believe i have guardian angles watching over me, trying to help.. but when it comes to ur heart, a lot of things cant heal the feeling of loss.. i feel like ive llost her forever.. yeah i do love here, we were great friends.. she was like my big sister.. i just dontknowwhat im gonna do without her..

Subject: its been awhile Time: 12:19 am. Mood: discontent.

so i know its been awhile since i last wrote anything, party because i no longer can use the internet at work.. i had my interogation not too long ago, all my friends are getting fried and im just waiting for my notice of discipline that says im going to be terminated also.. i hate not being able to write, i feel like its such a release sometimes. considering i have no one i can talk to anymore its kinda a sweet release.. anyway, my friends last day is the 21 of this month, and im not coping too well, not that im ever able to cope with anything.. shes like a sister to me, and its gonna just kill me when shes gone.. i guess the union people are having some kind of meeting today with the union headquarter lawyers to determine if this is discrimination, which is cool , maybe we have a fighting chance.. i mean getting in trouble for looking at flowers and shoes on the internet at work is a kinda gay way to be fired from the state when there are so many crak heads and pot heads working there.. i still miss jeff, we hung out aeks grokd sa great. ioulcabnight. ibuts like now things have gone back to square one.. if i was told that i could have one thing in life that i really wanted, it would be to be with him , together, for the rest of our lives.. but i dont see that happening anytime in the near future.. i just never had as strong of a connection with anyone in my entire life.. and when im around him i feel it, and i cant ignore it.. its like everything in my body is telling me that we are supposed to be.. but ive been waiting a long time.. and i thought that by now the love would fade away, but it hasnt.. i dont think ive had so much love for any person in my entire life.. so againg i pray to god, PLEASE let us just be together.. we have a lot of shit to work out, but its worth working on.. in the meantime ive tried to make an attempt to meet someone else, a long time friend of mine named chip, but that has failed miserably.. we hung out once, and he calls me a lot, but when i try to get him top hang out he disappears for days.. whatever, im not really stressing about it, hes just like all the rest.. things arent going well on the karaoke scene, apparently my so called friends have no problems with smiling in my face then taking shit about me in the same breath.. its getting to the point where i dont want to be around any of them anymore.. and i know that my karaoke people count on me to add eye candy to the show er whatever, but its just becoming too much.. so that brings me to now, sitting here all alone in the dark writing all of my issues down.. sometimes i feel like im screaming so loud inside, but no one hears me.. maybe what i reall want is to be heard.. i know life isnt perfect, and i really dont expect things to be, but they could for once be better.. all my friends have kids, or husbands/wives, or boyfriends/girlfriends,.. and here i am at 26 alone and wasting away.. and i have no one to blame but myself.. i have great parents, and ive had a pretty good childhood as far as i can remember, so y the hell am i like this... dammed if i have a clue.. i remember praying to god once, and i said, god, if i am supposed to be with jeff, then give me a sign, make it so i dont fall in love with anyone else.. and so far hes granted my wish.. not that i like being alone, i just want to be with jeff.. forever, and i guess if u love someone that much, u wait for as long as it takes for it to happen, even if it means sitting at home crying and praying for a miraclethat is all for now

Subject: what is wrong with me Time: 2:55 pm. Mood: aggravated.

im still feeling the wrath of saturdays extravaganza. its a case of drunk girl seeks out hot boy, proceeds to talk to hot boy, asks hot boy if he is single, boy says yes, girlfriend is sitting right at the bar, girl becomes bitch of the evening.. it just sucks, y arent men normal, and y do they all cheat.. and y the hell are they all liars. not like i expect to go to a bar and find an outstanding citizen. i just wish for once that men werent jackasses.. the only men i can get are taken, it blows. i finally met chip tho, hes really not a bad looking guy, a lot better looking than his pictures let on.. terrys married son thinks im cute, but that goes to prove my point even further that only taken men show an interest in me.. maybe someday ill finally find a guy who wants to be with me.. maybe im just cursed.. im just getting too old, im want to start a family someday, and my looks arent gonna to last that much longer.. i mean i didnt get cute until a few years ago.. i was a beast for a long time and now time is what im running out of.. its just not fair.. like, if i have a kid when im 30, by the time my kid is 20 ill be 50 !!! thats nuts.. this whole world is going to the shitter if u ask me.. life is too damn confusing, and all the good people finish last.. on another note, i had a dream about shawn last night, of all people shawn.. maybe im just so desperate for affection that my mind pulls out archives from good points in my life to satisfy my sadness.. yeah shawn was a jerk, but he had a way about him that was completely sexy.. i wonder what hes doing now n days.. ive been seeing more of greg around lately, i dont e mail him anymore.. i just admire him from afar just like before we dated.. hes sexy again.. bald headed and all sophisticated.. i mean when i look back on my life and the guys ive dated , ive been pretty lucky as far as looks go.. but all the lookers are jerks unfortunately, and that sucks.. anyway, i want to go home, im tired.. i miss my zeek.. i wish i knew what to do.. still lost

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