you're a drag, you're a bore, you're a rainy day...   
04:07pm 03/06/2003
 
mood: worried
music: face to face // the new way
i seriously love miss muller. i owe her my life.. i had a c+ in religion and she bumped it up to a b. you rock even though you're a huge, blonde bitch sometimes.

my mom's not home yet.. and i want her to come home soon so that she and my dad can go out to dinner and talk about the whole me-going-to-chs thing. my dad promised a descision by the end of the week if not sooner. i'd rather have to wait all summer and have the answer be yes then get it in like a day and have it be no. pray for me.. if i don't go to this high school, i'll drop out and become a whore. so cross your fingers, please!

i'm rocking out to madonna over here.. represent.

oh, the other thing about collingswood is my parents want me to dress 'nice' when i go to school.. what the hell do they mean by that? i don't really care, i'm gonna wear what i always do. and i have to have an a average to get into honors.. heh. fat chance that'll happen.. the only grade i know of so far is my b in religion.. props to miss muller. i still don't understand how the fuck i got a 57 on that religion exam.. maybe because i got a 19 out of 60 on that dictionary thing we had to make? heh. whoops.. i just sort of forgot to finish it.

grr, my mom just came home and she said they're not going out. you guys suck because you carry shit out and make me worry and get all nervous just to make me miserable.

i have to study.. tomorrow's exams are math and social studies and then i'm done. finally.

-- jen
 
     Post
 
you'll cry, it doesn't change a thing. kill the lights and let the rain fall...   
04:12pm 02/06/2003
 
mood: okay
music: american nightmare // farewell
those little urchins are gonna die! some kid punched eric today.. apparently on friday night some stupid kids walked by and said something and eric said something like 'you don't even have a face' or something stupid like that like we always say.. and the kid hit him today. where i was when that happened friday i have no idea.. probably putting andy's little sister's bike away.. but anyway, they started a war. damn little pieces of crap. that's so trashy and immature to hit someone just because they said something. if you think it makes you tough, ha, check again.

anyway..

my mom's all 'blah blah i want to make sure you want to go to collingswood for the right reasons.' ok, i told you my reasons, why can't you tell me if i can or not yet? she's like 'it's a possibility.' that's like saying you can have something but at the same time you can't. it's like, can you or can't you? my dad's not working tonight so i'll sit them down and plead for an answer. *crosses fingers*

i got an 80 on the first half of my literature test.. i don't know what i get on the essay (the second half) yet. damn miss portock. the science test was completely irrelevant to the study sheet she gave us. she's such a fucking bitch.. she goes out of her fucking way to fail us. and i fucking hate her. and how the hell is it fair that james (some kid in school that i HATE) has all the exams already?! what the fuck? oh yeah, that's right.. it's because his aunt is the fucking secretary. i need to get out of that fucking school.. see what i go through every day? see? it's such bullshit. and i was going to go to a high school like that? HA. fat chance.

grr.. an hour until my dad gets home. i really hope i get a definate answer tonight.. and i really hope it's yes. if not. i'll probably kill myself. because i really don't want to go to bishop eustace, camden catholic, or paul vi. yes, i'll either kill myself or just not go to high school and become some pregnant pot head prositute. ok.. maybe i'll just drop out, minus the latter. haha.

tomorrow equals english and religion exams. not too hard.. hopefully.

time to study and wait for my dad to get home.

-- jen
 
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because i can't live without you and i know all that you need...   
10:51am 01/06/2003
 
mood: rushed
music: the early november // come back
i have to go to my sister's graduation in like ten minutes so this is going to be a really quick update.

party today.. i plan to avoid my family and be on the computer or studying for exams. science and literature exam.. the literature exam is based on a book we read in school that i haven't finished yet.. so i better finish it today. and i got like half of the exam study sheet for science done.. i'll finish the other half and then read over what the exam'll be on. i'll also write a rough copy for the literature essay.. just so i'll have an idea of what to write during the exam. thank god mrs. regan gave us the essay pre-exam.

i forget what exams are on tuesday.. all i'm worried about really are my math and science exams. i know i'm gonna do really well on english and social studies. luckily, when it comes to books, i have a pretty good memory so i plan to do well on the lit exam. religion is pretty easy, but my religion grade sucks ass right now so i better do well on that. i already took my vocab exam.. somehow three grades came from it. one was a 96, the other wasa somewhere in the 70s, and the other was somewhere in the 60s. i forget.. heh. oh and i got a 42 on my last math test.. so a wonderful grade on the math exam is quite necessary.

oi.. i really don't want my family around today. although i do finally get to meet my sister's friend, andrew, today. he's the cool one that gave me the park cd and knows adam from taking back sunday and the early november guitarist and all that nice stuff. i have to thank him for the cd.. that was really nice. i mean, who just goes and burns a cd for their sister's girlfriend for no reason? well, actually, i don't think they're going out.. but i guess their with each other? i dunno. but aaaw, he sent her all these white roses this morning. very cute.

i also have to clean my room today. it is a complete mess. i can live with a couple of clothes on the floor and my guitar and bass out of their cases and on the floor and some homework on the floor and the bed unmade, but at this point i can't see the floor. my bass is on the floor, my guitar is, both of their cases are on the floor, clothes are everywhere, the bed is unmade, homework and textbooks are everywhere, pens and pencils are everywhere, cds and cd cases are everywhere.. it's just one big mess.

i really don't want to go to this graduation.. i'm pretty sick and these things are just too damn boring. but vanessa was begging me to go.. it's cool that her and i are so close, i guess. most sisters fight all the time and shit but i know that i can always go to her for help and advice or whatever. it just sucks that she's down the shore all summer and she leaves for college in august.

aiight, i'm out. peace.

-- jen
 
     Post
 
cut myself on angel's hair and baby's breath...   
06:34pm 31/05/2003
 
mood: apathetic
music: nirvana // heart-shaped box
i went to the may fair. i was with a lot of people.. after a lot of hours of being there we got bored and decided to go to steve's house to watch a movie. we watched batman. steve was gonna dye his hair while we were there but he didn't.. the movie distracted us. heh, greeeen hair. then i had to come home and babysit because my sister has some graduation mass. i didn't want to leave bill.. especially because i probably won't ever see him again. *sigh* his mom is so.. unfair.

"it's not fair." "but life's not fair."

poor mrs. regan. wow.. i actually felt/am feeling sympathy for a teacher.

bill was supposed to be home at 1.. and last i talked to him, it was 6. his mom is going to be mighty pissed.. god, why does it have to be like that? why can't he just fucking go out and hang out without having to be home in like an hour? it's insane.. and it sucks. a big one. he's been grounded for a whole 6 months before.. it was before we started going out. i really don't want that to happen again.. geez, a whole 6 months without being able to see him? i'd go crazy. i go crazy every second i'm not with him.. and knowing it'd be 6 months until i'd see him again would kill me.

every night i make a wish that i'll see you tomorrow...

tomorrow is vanessa's graduation, and then the graduation party.. life just drones on..

she put on happiness like a loose dress over pain i'll never know...

i stole this from kristan.

moments like this don't just come and go... )

i'd end my days with you in a hail of bullets...

-- jen
 
     Post
 
wrap your arms around me, i'm fucking freezing...   
09:41am 31/05/2003
 
mood: confused
music: the suicide file // song for tonight
wow, it's early.

yesterday, tori, caitlin, and i walked over to the middle school and talked to bill, eric, jac, and some other people through the fence while they had gym class. it was scary.. i was afraid i was gonna get in trouble, haha. so then after their gym class we waited around for a couple of minutes until school was dismissed. then caitlin, eric, pete, bill, stev, and i walked to cabana and we met up with tori, andy, and luke there. then we went to pete's and jumped on his trampoline for a while. then we went to tori's and i jumped into the pool in my clothes.. haha, the water was freezing. pete and i were the only ones who swam. then nick and sean rode their bikes over and we somehow gathered enough bikes to ride them over to the westmont plaza.. well, we were -1 but tori rode on nick's pegs. so we hung out there for a bit and met up with dean, harry, and justin there. then we rode bikes back to tori's house. the end.

today is the may fair. caitlin's picking me up soon and then we're meeting a bunch of people at wawa.

yesterday i came to the conclusion that i'd prefer going to collingswood high rather than paul vi. i don't even know what changed my mind.. i just think i'd be a lot more comfortable there. i've always felt that going to a catholic school has completely alienated me from everyone else.. i don't know, it's weird. and i'd go into the school knowing people and already having friends there.. so it wouldn't be as awkard as going to pvi. and i mean, it's right down the street.. i could walk there and back everyday. and i wouldn't have to wear a uniform.. i could be an individual, not another kid in a uniform among many kids in uniforms. i just think i'd be happier there and i think it's important to be happy and comfortable during high school, right?

i talked to my mom about it. she was like 'i told you four months ago that you could go to any high school you wanted; i never said you couldn't go to collingswood'. i think she was sort of mad that i changed my mind and wasn't so set on going to paul vi. i mean, sure, my mom had been all 'pick whatever school you want' but my parents are hi-ho catholics and i figured if i was actually serious about wanting to go to collingswood, they'd be disappointed and prefer that i went to a catholic high school. i don't think that's the right reason to want to attend a high school. but that wasn't the only reason i wanted to go to pvi.. it appealed to me compared to camden catholic and bishop eustace.

my mom said that it was fine that i changed my mind, she just wishes i'd said something about it 4 months ago. she also said she wasn't gonna be like 'oh alright fine, you changed your mind, you changed your mind' but she didn't say no.. it was more like a 'you can, just give us a while to think about it and process it and stuff.' so i don't really know what's going on.. we'll see. i might still attend pvi in the fall, who knows? but i'm considering collingswood.. i'm considering both at the same time. i still have a long time to think about it.

-- jen
 
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don't break too many hearts, don't take too many arrows in the chest...   
11:15am 30/05/2003
 
mood: blah
music: the lawrence arms // brick wall views
well, since it's only quarter after 11, there's not much to write about. so here's a survey:

is there a gesture i could use to clearly express i'm at a loss for words?... )

my sister's friend andrew came over last night.. he's real chill, he likes a lot of good music.. he's met adam from tbs and he's good friends with one of the members of the early november and stuff.. and he burned me a cd! i was like aaw.. that was nice. it's by a band called park.. i've never heard of them before, but they're really good.

alright, i'm gonna go get ready to go out.

-- jen
 
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shut out and burned by your lies. now it is time to make you learn, you'll learn...   
07:10pm 29/05/2003
 
mood: crappy
music: unearth // my heart bleeds no longer
my throat hurts sooo bad..

turns out i didn't sit on my ass all day as planned. i went to tori's for a little bit and hung out with a bunch of people there. then i came home because my throat was bothering me so bad and i feel like complete shit.

i have pink marker all over my arm.. thanks a lot eric! geeze.

my mom wants me to work at my dad's office this summer. ha, fuck that.

why is my computer such a fucking retard? talk about sped, geeze.

i suppose i'll go finish watching the matrix now. fun stuff.

-- jen
 
     Post
 
everything you say you stole, every dream you dream you bought...   
11:27am 29/05/2003
 
mood: numb
music: thursday // autobiography of a nation
could it be possible that a person's mental and emotional condition is so poor that their physical health can deteriorate? because, if so, that's what's happening to me.

i didn't walk home from school yesterday as planned. luke left without me, and caitlin said it was gonna pour and offered me a ride. when i got home i looked out my window and saw bill and steve waiting for me.. so i went outside. then they came over and i got changed and then we walked to eric's, despite the pouring rain. eric wasn't allowed out so we walked to steve's so he and bill could drop off their backpacks. then, as we were on our way to katie's, bill's mom drove by in the car and she was pissed.. he wasn't supposed to be out. so she said she'd pick him up at 4 (it was 3:40) at steve's. so we hung out at katie's for a bit and bill called his mom to ask if he could stay out longer.. bad idea. she got extremely pissed.. and now he's not allowed to see me. she threatened to call my dad and tell him to make sure we had no contact. what the fuck?

i don't know now.. i don't know if his mom will carry out his punishment or not. he sneaks out all the time; this is nothing new. i'd sneak out too if i was never allowed out and when i was it was only for a couple of hours. usually she gets real mad but he's allowed out that weekend.. but i don't know now, especially since she said that he can't see me. it's not fair.. the may fair is this weekend and my sister's graduation party is on sunday..

"it's not fair." "but life's not fair."

that was quite an emotional final class with mrs. regan yesterday..

yesterday was the spring show. gay gay gay. it sucked. afterward everyone was going to friendly's, but i just didn't feel like it after all that had happened before. so my mom got pissed at me for being anti-social. she went on this whole rant and basically made me feel completely worthless.. and my dad had to help her, too. why the fuck does my mom have to blame every fucking mistake she makes on me? oh yeah, that's right. my mom's infalliable; she can't make mistakes. everything is my fault.

i watched the first half of the matrix this morning. i predict the following for the rest of my day:

1) miss bill
2) watch the rest of the matrix
3) cry
4) drown helplessly in my own self-pity
5) sleep
6) burn cds
7) eat
8) watch tv
9) update a lot more

it's times like these when everything builds up.. that crap i had to take from my principal, knowing i can't meet my mother's expecations and feeling guilty about it, not being able to be with bill, therapy.. everything's just a mess.

my cartlidge piercing closed up. my mom blamed me for that, too.

i feel bad.. a bunch of people went to joe's at 11 in honor of caitlin's birthday. i didn't go.. i'm feeling anti-social and depressed, and i don't want my mood to bring her down or ruin her birthday. plus i'm sick and i woke up at 10:40, so it was kind of hard to get ready in 20 minutes. happy birthday cait! mad gangster love.

-- jen
 
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because we moved too fucking fast, i think i really had to wish to make this last...   
08:37pm 27/05/2003
 
mood: sick
music: box car racer // sorrow
i hate therapy! damn you, bastard parents, for making me go to that bullshit. *middle finger*

ok, i'm sick as a dog.. i dunno what's wrong. my head hurts so effing bad and my entire body is all achey and shakey like.. it fucking sucks, trust me. oh, and my throat hurts like a bitch, too.. and that damn deusch therapist of mine was trying to make me talk. i was like 'hello?! my throat hurts everytime i swallow, let alone talk. now stfu.' only i didn't say that. because that would make my throat hurt. so she was all 'blah blah oh i get it, your parents make you come but they can't make you talk.' suck cock, asswipe. *middle finger again*


oh and i forgot my cellphone when i went. way to go, dipshit.. i got home and ran upstairs and it's like '4 missed calls' and then '3 new voice messages'. i was all like happy like.. so i listened to them and they were all from bill. the first one was like 'hey, eric and i went to your house but you weren't answering and i didn't know if you weren't home or if you couldn't hear the doorbell or whatever but now we're at katie's and we're just wandering around.' and then the next one was 'you're still not home! we're gonna walk around and stuff and stop by to see if you're home or not and i really hope you are' and then the next one was just 'jjjjjeeeennnn'. haha.

so then i walked around with luke and sean and i called bill and he was home and he couldn't go out. sigh. but i told him i was walking home tomorrow so maybe i'd see him then.

so luke, sean, and i went and got waterice and then we walked to the park and split up there because they wanted to go watch baseball games but i didn't because i didn't feel well.. i thought i was gonna pass out on the walk home. i was all shakey and dizzy and stuff.. it was scurry. but i got home alright.

then i went and slept for an hour and a half. then my mom made me eat pizza.

this song will forever remind me of scott. (box car racer - sorrow). we got into a fight and he basically called me his little whore or whatever.. i can't even remember, it was something along those lines. but i got so pissed off.. i wanted to punch somebody. and he got all 'oh no, i didn't mean it that way.' heh, sure. then tell me what you meant. and he sent me these lyrics.. here, i'll put them in a cut tag:

i'm sorry, please forgive me... )

it was so weird.. the song had to do with our situation exactly.. it was crazy. and because i'm 'such a sucker for a sweet talker' (tbs <3) i gave in.. stupid me. how is it that i just let things like that slide? i did it all the time with him.. either he really meant these things like i thought or he just couldn't word what he was actually trying to say correctly (how he would justify what he'd say).. so now everytime i hear that song i'll think of him. he sounds so much like tom delonge when he sings, too.. it's mad crazy. oh well. i dumped his ass and it's over and done now.. i mean, he can't even say hi to me anymore. and when i'm like 'why don't you ever say hi or talk to me anymore?' and gets all 'hi! there.' it's like he can't talk to me because he doesn't get any from me anymore.. i guess that's how it is when you aren't friends prior to a relationship. we met, we hung out for a few weeks, he asked me out and yeah. that's the story. there were just a lot of things that went on in that relationship that i didn't like but was too much of a pussy to tell him what i thought/was feeling or dump him. but i finally did.

dashboard is coming soon! yay, although tickets are probably sold out. i'll try and get them, though.. my sister promised if they came she'd take me because she <3s them, too. if anyone knows if it's sold out yet, comment. i don't want to waste my time running from ticket angency to ticket agency like i did for tbs/starting line and finch/the used/my chemical romance/movielife.

my parents are fighting and all i could make out was 'well then sell the fucking house! we can't afford it.' if they sell this house.. i'll sell them. or kill them, rather.. haha, sell my parents. on like ebay. so much has gone on in this house.. it holds so many memories and all that shit. and plus, i'm never ever ever ever going to take down all the stuff on my walls.. hours and hours were put into putting all those pictures and posters up.. almost all of the walls are completely covered. sure, they'll have to come down eventually, but i hope by then i'll have my own house.

school tomorrow.. last day for the week. exams next week, then all half days after that.

--jen
 
     Post
 
even the most beautiful of roses must someday crumble to dust and fade away...   
07:52pm 26/05/2003
 
mood: aggravated
music: saves the day // certain tragedy
happy memorial day.

today i sat around. kazaa is a homo so i ended up not burning any cds.

i went to tori's at like 4 and hung out with her, cait, and andy for a while because they were having some memorial day bbq which didn't work out too well because of the rain, heh.

i hope the sucky weather goes away for saturday and sunday. i just looked at the handy dandy aol weather thing and it's not supposed to rain on saturday, but it's supposed to on sunday. which sucks because my sister's having her graduation that day and we're having a party afterward. i don't want all those people in my house.

my throat hurts.

jcapulet9688: anyone in authority scares the shit out of me
PunkRoks4093: yes, and they start hatin on us rite off the bat cause we black
jcapulet9688: yep
jcapulet9688: damn racist cops
PunkRoks4093: may they burn in hell

haha.

shrink appointment tomorrow.. god, is there anything besides cooperating that i can do to get out of there as fast as i can? i can't cooperate.. i'm not the kind of person that can sit in a chair and pour my feelings out to some total stranger. well, not total stranger, i've known her for a couple of weeks now.. but i mean, it takes a long time for me to put my trust out there enough to a person to actually talk about myself and my feelings.

stolen. ;P

nate
Nate Barcalow from Finch


*Who is the perfect Emo Singer boyfriend for You?*
brought to you by Quizilla

aaahh, naaaate. orgasm! i love that boy.

i better stop putting off my literature essay and just write it already.

-- jen
 
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i can't wait for the next time that you'll be here by my side...   
10:11pm 25/05/2003
 
mood: loved
music: slick shoes // rusty
after church, emily came over and we walked over to tori's. we had to paint the cieling tile from school, and it came out surprisingly well. we painted the boarder with checkers and the background in leopard print. there was a big nautical star in the middle that said '2003' and then we had our names and the highschools we were going to real big and then the rest was filled in with inside jokes, bands, quotes, and such. fun stuff.

then i came home and bill came and hung out. <3 x infinity. we just hung out and talked but then we watched some of romeo and juliet in my room but then my mom yelled at us because she's gay and thinks we're like having sex.. lol. so we had to come downstairs but i don't have a dvd player down here so we watched muppets from space instead.. haha.

i thought of you, fuck the whole world. i just want to sit and cry tonight in the arms that make me happy.. every night i make a wish that i'll see you tomorrow...

i love you so much.. all i want is to be in your arms forever.. <3.

tomorrow's memorial day.. i have off, as i'm sure the rest of the world does. bill has to go to his grandparents'.. so i'll probably hang out with andy and tori and whoever else.

i'm so happy i only have two days of school this week. then, next week, we have final exams. that kind of sucks.. but it's a good thing because that means school is that much closer to being over. and after that week, it's all half-days or something like that and then i'm free! free.

tomorrow i'm gonna burn cds all day. i always say that i'm gonna do that but i never do. so i'm gonna. really. i swear.

alright, kids, i'm out like a penis in sweatpants.. giggle.

and a present just for you! but not behind a cut tag! muahahaha!

HASH(0x855cc98)
Your song is...There Is! You're very affectionate
to others and to yourself. You actually care
about other peoples feelings and would do just
about anything to satisfy others. You really
are a good person, but that doesn't mean your
sane.


What BoxCar Racer Song Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

-- jen
 
     Post
 
you pick me apart while i search for things to say in my defense...   
10:56am 25/05/2003
 
mood: rushed
music: matchbox romance // the greatest fall
yesterday was fun.. tori, caitlin, andy, and i went to drewstock together.. the concert was alright, but not great. the funnest part was rolling around in the grass with caitlin, eric, rich and kristan and trying to get quarters and pennies back from rich and eric because they stole them.

afterward caitlin and were going to joe's because i was like starved but we kept getting like.. distracted, haha. first we went to kristan's and i rolled around on her zebra print carpet because it was so orgasmic.. haha.

then we were walking and lizz called my name so we stopped and talked to her a little and then we kept walking and then we saw syd, kate, jacob, dean, mike and some other people at wawa and we stopped to talk to them but then we kept walked.

and then we finally got to joe's. and it was really yummy. and then we went to pete's. only i fucked up my ankle somehow and i had to walk all funny.. it sucked. lol.

so now i have to go to church.. so bye bye.

-- jen
 
     Post
 
if you really did want to end your life, you'd be gone by now...   
10:16am 24/05/2003
 
mood: awake
music: rufio // stop whining
we had a gay dress rehearsal for the spring show yesterday. it was.. gay. that's pretty much all we did in school. oh, and miss simpson didn't say one word to me yesterday. GOOD.

the may fair got cancelled due to rain. sigh. drewstock is still happening though and so is pete's party tonight. so that'll keep me busy for today. drewstock starts at 1 and then pete's is at 7:30, i think.

yesterday caitlin dragged me out of the house to the avenue because she wanted to see who was there. apparently she read harry's away message and it said 'at the chinese place with friends' so she wanted to find them. stalker. anyway we found them but they didn't really want to talk to us so we left and then we went to the mall with justin and eric, which was fun.

when we got there we went into kb toys and caitlin bought this voice changer thing and it's sooo funny because it makes your voice sound just like the rabbit from donnie darko. so we harrassed people with it. and we saw hippie and phil from jersey calling and they were like 'are you coming to drewstock?' and we said yes and they were like 'good.' haha, and then we showed them the voice changer and sean went 'did you steal this from andy?'

and poo on rob (from dirty larry)! we wanted to scare him with the voice changer but he wasn't working last night.

oh and we got stalked sort of. or harrassed, rather. these two guys like followed us into sam goody and they were like standing right next to eric and like talking to him.. and every time we moved away they followed us! haha. and then they left and came back and the one guy was like 'do you think i have a career in singing?' and then started singing really horribly and caitlin went 'don't quit your day job' and the other kid went 'remember him, he'll be famous some day.. his name is dirty joe' and i was like 'i can see why.' ew, they were such dirtballs. haha, justin was all really scared. lol. he wouldn't leave the store, we had to drag him out.

and then when mrs. day was driving us home we called andy with the voice changer and said a line from donnie darko and then we called back and said 'sorry, wrong number' in the same voice.. lol. we're such losers.. we have nothing better to do with our time.

i hate being up so freaking early. but danielle thought the may fair was today and ran upstairs and woke me up.. worthless piece of crap. then i couldn't fall back alseep.

it's beyond me why you always second guess the things you're offering... )

i stole this from kristan.. muahaha.

1. Band: the get up kids
2. Are you male or female: michelle with one 'l'
3. Describe yourself: overdue
4. How do some people feel about you: stay gone
5. How do you feel about yourself: out of reach
6. Describe an old girlfriend/boyfriend/interest: regret
7. Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend/interest: better half
8. Where would you rather be: off the wagon
9. Where are you: up on the roof
10. What time is it: central standard time
11. Describe what you want to be: don't hate me
12. Describe how you live: forgive and forget
13. Describe how you love: close to me
14. Share a few words of wisdom: i'm a loner dottie, a rebel

-- jen
 
     Read 3 - Post
 
have another drink and drive yourself home, i hope there's ice on all the roads...   
05:27pm 22/05/2003
 
mood: pissed off
music: brand new // seventy times 7
today was the fucking worst.

firstly, i had a math test that i failed.. i know i did. i gave up halfway through.. it was so hard. and we only had like a half hour to do it. i left a bunch of them blank. i better do really well on that exam or my parents are gonna like disown me.

then my principal decided to be an ass and yelled at me at lunch.. so i did my normal mentally flip her the bird and roll my eyes thing. then i was standing in the school lobby waiting to go upstairs after lunch and she told me to put my name and phone number on a piece of paper so she could call my parents about my attitude problem. then i got fresh or something and she told me to sit in the kindergarten room.. haha, my school is so fucking juvenile.

but i didn't want to.. haha, so i went upstairs. i figure the fat fuck was too stupid to find out but she did. she called me downstairs and was all in my face. yesterday i was really close to having a crying breakdown and today, this woman just pushed me over the edge. i lost it and started balling in front of the whole cafeteria. for some reason my mom was at the school but miss simpson wouldn't let me talk to her. what the fuck? here i am, crying my eyes out, and you won't even let me talk to my mother? she got pissed and sent me to sit in third grade.

so i sat in third grade for a while and then i got called downstairs into her office. she gave me this huge lecture. 'you have no respect for me' blah blah blah 'you have a horrible attitude' blah blah blah 'you set a bad example' blah blah blah 'i know an attitude like that wouldn't be tolerated by your mother' blah blah blah 'you came from a good family, why are you like this?' blah blah blah 'are you on your period or something? why are you crying so much? stop!' it went on for a while.

miss simpson. i have but one thing to say to you.

SUCK A BiG ONE, FAT ASS.

it was almost as good as the time she told me 'it's time to sink or swim, and right now, you're sinking' or the time she told alyssa 'you were once a shining star, but now you're tainted.'

when we got home from school my mom was all yelling at me. and then danielle came in the room and said 'two boys just came over but i told them to come back later because you were getting yelled at.' haha.. it was bill and steve. so i ran upstairs and my cell said 'one missed call' and i tried calling back the number i missed, even though i didn't recognize it.. it was busy. but there was a voice mail on there from bill. so i called back and it was dean's house.. haha, i felt like such an idiot. 'um.. hi, this is jen. did you just call me?' lmao.. i'm such a loser.

so anyway steve and bill came over for a while.. and that made my day a lot nicer. <333

my sister's prom is tonight.. her dress is so pretty. so everyone's bustling around because of that.

tomorrow is friday.. yaay! and then next week i only have to go to school on tuesday and wednesday.

OH. and my principal is making me take out my cartlidge piercing, which isn't healed yet.. thanks a lot, miss simpson. now it's gonna close up.

haha.. i was so close to drowning myself in the sink after getting yelled at by her. haha.. i was going up to third grade and i went in the bathroom and wanted to so bad. then when somebody walked in they'd find me all dead.. i wonder if miss simpson would be the least bit disturbed by that.. no, definately not. her heart is too cold.

BleednEyesOfBlue: yay! i was so worried about you today...lol
capulet9688: aaaw
jcapulet9688: :-)
jcapulet9688: that makes me feel loved
BleednEyesOfBlue: lol...i love you jen!!!!!!
jcapulet9688: i love you too, emily!!
BleednEyesOfBlue: yay!
jcapulet9688: :-D

aaaw.. i feel loved. and more aaaw.. when caitlin saw me crying today, she started crying, too. haha, i <3 my friends. mad gangster love to you all.

take this blade to my wrist, help me end what makes you ugly... )

-- jen
 
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something is coming over me, lost to find and a soul to keep, 'cause you love me...   
05:56pm 21/05/2003
 
mood: drained
music: finch // frail
i hate my fucking life.. these stupid random crying/emotional breakdowns weren't supposed to come back.

i just wish he could be holding me right now.. i need it so bad.

-- jen
 
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remembering every scar is a valid reason for every drink...   
03:11pm 21/05/2003
 
mood: complacent
music: alkaline trio // another innocent girl
my sister and i were talking about tattoos last night and she was like 'don't get any on your stomach.. because then if you get like pregnant or whatever after you have the kid that tattoos'll be all stretchy'.. eeew, hehe. nevermind the sparrows on the stomach, then.. haha.

i went running yesterday! can you believe it? haha.. i took my dog with me, though. i walked all the way down the cooper.. why? i dunno.. knight's park is right in front of my house. but for some reason i don't like running there. lol.

it's supposed to rain this weekend.. sigh. i don't want may fair to get postponed. because.. yeah.

meep! the lights in my house just flickered.. and i'm all alone.. and i'm scurred! hahaha.. i'm such a wimp. although i do love storms.. and oh! it's supposed to thunderstorm sunday and monday. haha, mad gangster love for the weather channel. and more yay! because i have off on monday, so i can play in the rain all day. hehe.

i love it when no one's home at my house 'cept for me and my dog.. because then i can turn my music all loud and sing and dance around and stuff. hehe. i'm a dork, i know.

where the eff is the warm weather? it was freezing this winter and we had a really cold spring.. i hope it gets warm and stays that way soon.

i want to go to a show.. warped tour is too far away. who wants to go to see further seems forever at the troc with me? haha, pleeeeease? i'd <3 you forever.. even longer than that! so yeah. comment if you wanna go with little ol' me.. i'm desperate, haha.

yaaay just thursday and friday left to go and bam! my last full week in hell is finally over. next week i only have to go to school for two days.. can i get a what what? (what what!)

Oo its caitlin: How many dead babies does it take to change a tire?
Two, one to prop up the car and one to replace it incase it explodes.
jcapulet9688: ..then who changes the tire?

^ major nerd right there.

i'm just talking about random things.. so i think i'll go.

i'm off like a prom dress.. wink.

-- jen
 
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why do the good girls always want the bad boys?...   
03:01pm 20/05/2003
 
mood: envious
music: no doubt // bathwater
i went to school today. only 23 days left.. including weekends, days off, and half days.

it's nice out. i like nice weather. it's.. nice. although i think the may fair this weekend is going to be postponed due to rain.. it says it's going to rain, according to the weather channel anyway. yes, ha, i'm a dork and i watch the weather channel. chut up. it's fun.

so i'm all late going to school this morning and i'm running around in a hurry and i grab my cellphone and it's all like 'new voice message.' so i get all excited because i get voice messages once in a blue moon, but i love them. haha. it was bill.. it was so cute, he was like 'hey, i heard you weren't feeling good today and didn't go to school..' and such. aaaw. <333, xoxo

what the hell? my dog is running around upstairs like a maniac.. crazy mofo. at first i thought it was my little sister but no one's home.. lol.

since i'm a loser, i spent all day look at tattoos because i want one.. haha. i have to come up with something shocking to do when i turn 18 so i can be all like 'ha i did something because i'm 18 and i can and you can't do shit about it' to my mom. i'll probably get my naval pierced when i'm 18.. i eventually want to get my lip pierced, but i don't know if i'll ever get around to that because i can't when i'm 18 because of school dress code and then comes college and then a job and having a lip ring then'll be kind of pointless.. i dunno, we'll see.. depends what my profession ends up being. i have no idea what i want to do do when i get older.. i want to do something out of the ordinary, but i also want to be financially stable and stuff.. i dunno. but i do want a tattoo.. i found some pretty ones:

http://www.bmezine.com/tattoo/A30325/high/epastar.jpg
http://www.bmezine.com/tattoo/A30428/high/04kj86d6.jpg
http://www.bmezine.com/tattoo/A30114/high/k52rxfsv.jpg
http://www.bmezine.com/tattoo/A30411/high/awesomeness.jpg

i love love love the sparrows on the stomach.. if i were gonna get a tattoo like tomorrow i'd definately get that done.

then if i were to get my lip pierced, i'd do something like this:

http://www.bmezine.com/pierce/05-lips/A30506/high/iv1z9bnf.jpg

i wanna get this done, too and i'll probably do it on my piercing spree when i turn 18 (ignore the other piercings, it's just the long bar one):

http://www.bmezine.com/pierce/01-ear/A30404/high/rwmg4i2u.jpg


so yep.. i basically admired tattoos and piercings all day yesterday.. and was jealous that i can't get anything cool done.. haha.

-- jen
 
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you're only pretty when you're crying...   
12:34pm 19/05/2003
 
mood: indescribable
music: glassjaw // piano
feel free to entirely ignore this blurty entry. it's just sort of me getting my emotions out.. it has nothing to do with how my day went or whatever it is people usually put in these. i'm just venting here so i won't have to vent to other people (my way of dealing with my emotions).

i didn't go to school today. i faked a sore throat to my mom this morning. actually, it did kind of hurt. but that's not my reasoning for wanting to stay home. i've had so much on my mind lately and i was scared if i didn't take a day to just think about shit it'd lead to one of my infamous emotional breakdowns. and with vanessa down the shore and stuff i didn't want that to happen.. no one else wants to hear me cry and whine and just plain breakdown.. i doubt she does, but she's my sister so she has to. plus she's been through a lot of shit, maybe not the same exact kind of stuff, but she does give good advice.

i'm just confused.. worried.. paranoid.. god knows what else. my emotional breakdowns aren't just one thing.. i'm a very emotionally closed person. i don't just run around screaming 'hey everybody, look at me! i'm depressed! i'm upset! i feel like i want to die!'. no.. just, no. i keep it all to myself.. why should anyone have to worry about me? i'm not worth it. when people ask how i am i don't reply 'i feel like shit, blah blah i'm so depressed blah blah' which is stupid. so i keep it all inside.. keep it all to myself.. and after a while, it adds on to itself and just becomes this huge mess of emotions that i can't keep down anymore. and still, i don't vent to people (besides vanessa, when she's even home). i usually just put on music and cry in my room until i run out of tears.

today's just like all the others, i'm not alright. i cried my last tear, i'm bleeding out my pain...

cutting isn't something i can turn to when i have emotional breakdowns. why? because it fucked up my entire life. it was the first time i'd ever done it badly.. before it was just a little scratch or something, never with a razor. i wish i had been more careful. if i hadn't stayed home from school that day, my mom never would've found out. i was on some medicane and it was hot in my room and i had my sleeves rolled up.. the medicane had me all drugged up and when my mom came in to give me a glass of water, i didn't even notice my sleeves were rolled up and the x's all over my arm were completely exposed.

my mom treats me like shit. let us just say that. but i knew when she saw my cuts that i had hurt my mother. despite all the times she called me names or did all that shit that she does, i wanted to die because i knew i had hurt my mother. i mean, what the fuck? usually, when people are treated like shit by another person, it's nice to see the other one being hurt. but here, i just wanted to die.. get it over with.

and i wish i had. because then i had to hurt my father. because of course, my mother told him. my dad is seriously the nicest guy on the face of the earth. sure, he's never around and shit.. but still, he's awesome. he'll let me do whatever i want and all that stuff. and it was the hardest thing in the world to have to show him my arm.

then i got landed in therapy. the worst part of this whole deal.. the worst thing ever. when is it going to be over? when will i not have to go anymore? i hate it there.. therapy causes me so much stress.. adds to my emotional breakdowns. if anything, therapy wants to make me cut again. because it's so stupidly pointless and causes me so much stress..

i wonder if i'll ever get out of this 'slump' in my life.

-- jen
 
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i was spinning free with a little sweet and simple numbing me...   
09:52pm 18/05/2003
 
mood: tired
music: jimmy eat world // sweetness
this was a good weekend.

on friday i went to steve's with tori and eric, harry, and bill were there. we hung out for a little and then we went to villa barone for dinner. i had baked ziti. it was yummy. then after that we watched friday the 13th at my house.

on saturday, i went to the show in westville. it was ok.. nothing special.

today i went to katie's confirmation party thing.. i was there until like 7:45.

when i got home i was talking to chelsea for a little bit online and then she called me. she broke up with her boyfriend.. aaaw, chelssss.. i love you! hehe. and don't worry, it's all good, girl!

i'm too tired and lazy to go into detail about the weekend.. haha. but, in short, that was it.

-- jen
 
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time makes you older, even children get older, i'm getting older too...   
09:56pm 15/05/2003
 
mood: silly
music: smashing pumpkins // landslide
i just got back from going to the movies with andy and tori.. nick couldn't come or something? we saw the x-men sequel.. i was so pissed that the matrix sequel was sold out. i really wanted to see it. le sigh. but anyway we saw x-men and it was kind of confusing and shit but it's all good.

and hahaha.. tim, andy's older brother, drove us home and he was like 'what side of browning do you live on?' and i was like 'left' and he was like 'do you know the rudderows?' and i was like 'yeah, i'm neighbors with them' and he was like 'across the street?' and i was like 'yeah' and he's like 'you're mom wants to kill me' and i was like 'did you used to skateboard with john?' and he said yeah.. hahaha. my mom's such a pyscho. these kids used to skateboard outside like every day and it was a while ago when danielle still took naps and my mom would like flip out if they didn't stop while danielle was trying to sleep and like call the cops and shit.. lmao. and in the car tim was like honking at random people.. it was so funny.

just a quick update about the night's events..

-- jen
 
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