Below are the most recent 11 friends' journal entries.

Thursday, December 4th, 2008
cali_bound21	12:40p	Ugg why am I getting the blame for all of this. I told one person. He told so many. Fuck my life. Telling lies will get me in trouble, but telling the truth isn't any better. Current Mood: aggravated (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 3rd, 2008
cali_bound21	10:21a	Hmm. I say I am ok. But I am kinda not ok with it. Mixed signals much? Current Mood: blank Current Music: African Drummers playing in the cafeteria....lmfao. (Comment on this)
Monday, December 1st, 2008
cali_bound21	3:49p	Moving on... I think I found someone that will make me happy. I am going to ease into this. He is different than anyone I have gone after before, so I think it may go somewhere. He really is a good guy. And I think this may work. I am starting to feel those butterflies again. Current Mood: cheerful (Comment on this)
Friday, November 28th, 2008
cali_bound21	9:45p	sorrow to rage... This time I won't forgive. And I sure as hell won't forget. Live your life how you want...making ridiculous assumptions make your day amazing. Something is going perfect for you huh? Current Mood: pissed off Current Music: Pearl Jam - Alive (Comment on this)
cali_bound21	8:04p	To a lost friend... Believe what you want, but I have no reason to do something so childish to betray your trust. You will regret the accusations in the end. It makes me really want to look back and think about our friendship and look for something that would make you think I would do something not only immature, but a total act of such disrespect. It upsets me that you believe that I would do something so ridiculous. If I am confronted about anything...I will tell the truth. There is no point in trying to cover up something you did if you are being confronted. But if I am being accused of something I didn't do, I will not let you walk all over. Like I said think what you want, but I believed you thought better of me, because I know I thought more of you than this. When it comes to my friends, I will believe what they tell me, and there will be no further accusations. But I guess that shows where some people have the ability to trust, while others simply choose not to. Current Mood: disappointed Current Music: If You're Gonna Leave (Comment on this)
cali_bound21	2:27p	Holding my breath. I chose to walk away so I wouldn't get hurt.... I didn't know that the distance would hurt this much. I should have risked getting hurt by you, because I hurt myself more than you could have ever done. Current Mood: crushed Current Music: Best I Ever Had - State of Shock (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 25th, 2008
cali_bound21	2:33a	I miss that innocence... Things have changed so much over the past 3 years. Honestly, I don't know if there is any piece of me that is the same person that I was, and for the most part that is a good thing. I was naïve and dependent on so many things and people in my life. I am becoming more independent and getting to the point that I am where I want to be as a person. For the most part I lost myself, but I needed to be lost so I could find myself. Heartache needed to happen, along with letdowns, and self revelations, but I can’t help but think I lost that innocence and the ability to see good in everything. Does seeing the good in everything simply mean you are naïve? I want to have faith in people and humanity, but I don’t know if having so much faith makes me naïve. *I want to have the innocence of a child, but the knowledge that only comes with age. Sometimes, I reminisce and I miss how my life was back then, but like honestly looking at myself, I would never want to go back to the person I was. To survive, you must change… As a person who, my entire life, has hated change, it took a lot for me to realize that. But living in the past, standing still…you just can’t do that. It isn’t healthy. And living in the past won’t bring anything back. It won’t bring back the relationships that have faded into nothing, it won’t bring back the person who you once was, or the people your friends used to be. Standing still does nothing but just that. It makes you not live your life. You are stuck when everything else keeps going. But I think going back, and missing everything and everyone that you have loved, left, and lost is ok. In fact it is normal. People tell you to live life looking towards the future, but that doesn’t mean you have to forget your past. If you can’t accept your past, you won’t have a future. Current Mood: blank (Comment on this)
Monday, November 24th, 2008
cali_bound21	10:41a	wake up girl... How can you love with a guarded heart? I don't know if you can because when you love someone there is no need for second thoughts. It is supposed to be spontaneous... I can't love without a guarded heart anymore. The only people I can love without protecting myself is Sarah and Drew. Everyone else I will have to be cautious with because I don't think I can handle the letdowns anymore. I have always given my friendships and relationships everything I had, even when the other party wasn't truly worthy of it. And I don't want to stop loving people. There are people who I will love for the rest of my life, but I just can't be open with that as much as I used to. Eventually there will be more people on that list, maybe? I just I want to become a strong person and I think that throwing my love around like it's extra change isn't going to make me any stronger, or more loved. People who know me, know that I love my friends with everything in me, and I think they take that forgranted. Maybe not loving so much isn't the answer...maybe it is not letting them know I love them so much. But if I don't let them know that I love them, they won't see it and they may walk away. I really don't know what to do about this. I don't want to lose the part of me that has always been there, the part of me that rushes to make sure Everything is ok, even the small things. I don't want my future relationships to be different than those of the past, because despite the fact some have ended, every relationship I have ever had has been perfect in its own way. Do I need to change who I am to save myself from the pain? Or do I love wholeheartedly and hope it doesn't hurt so much anymore? Current Mood: drained Current Music: Angels on The Moon - Thriving Ivory (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 23rd, 2008
cali_bound21	8:01p	So today I took a big step to let go. And it blew up in my face. But that just shows me who is and who isn't worth the fight. I told Lynn that I needed to talk to him, that it was important. He responded and I told him that I could be everyone's everything and I know he didn't ask me to be but I tried to be anyway.That I didn't want to lose him from smothering him. And I said everything that I said on here last night. I told him I loved him and I always will. And I was really genuine about everything and he got mad and when I tried to explain that I wasn't giving up on him or walking out. I just wanted to give him his space in his life so he doesn't push me out of his life and not come back into mine. I was letting go so I didn't lose him permanently. He seemed so angry and like I was attacking him. He shut me down and I feel that things are ridiculously twisted. And that kills me. I thought he would be happy. He is so quick to ignore me and push me out that I figured he wanted me to back off. And when I try to do that, he gets angry with me. It breaks my heart that he may walk out of my life because of all this. And I didn't want him to see this as an attack or that I was abandoning him. I just wanted him to be ok with me and not feel smothered. I lost him either way I think. And at my attempt to let go and not make him so important to me so I wouldn't get hurt when he left me like people tend to. But by distancing myself just a small distance I have basically sent him the message that I don't want anything to do with him. Maybe he is just trying to cut off people before he leaves. So maybe everyone gets hurt less. Either way I will call him the night before he leaves for training. Maybe he will talk to him or maybe he will send my call to Voicemail. I will tell him my goodbye. I hope he thinks enough of me to answer but if not I love him all the same. And how our conversation goes that night decides our amount of communication while he is gone. And then I will call him once in awhile just to check on him because no matter how much I want to, I will never be able to quit caring so much. I will just have to not let him know of how much I care. I will call him a week or two before he leaves for Iraq. But I want him to deal with everything and not get in the way. Current Mood: disappointed (Comment on this)
cali_bound21	2:08a	and.... I wouldn't trade what I have had with Thomas or Lynn for anything. They both are still in my heart and always will be.I am just becoming the person I want to be and I need to change some things for that to happen. And I do love both of them very much. (Comment on this)
cali_bound21	1:39a	Life keeps moving. You can't stand still.... Lately things have been up and down with me. I am letting go of two people in my life. Thomas and Lynn. Both need to be less important to me. I know that is kinda mean to say. But I am tired of giving everything I have to make a friendship work and given nothing in return. Thomas and I are just in a place where I don't think there is any fixing it. Every day it is the same conversations. Good morning...how did you sleep. How was your day...good night babe. Etc. That is the extent of our talking. With talks of hooking up in there. I am bored with it and just because of where we are in our lives nothing is going to happen with us. It makes me sad...because I do love him. I am not in love with him, but I do love him. But things aren't meant for us to be together. I am just sad that things didn't work out. But neither of us are the same people as when we met. But I am getting to the point in my life that I don't need everyone to be happy. I have a select few that if they were the ones I had to spend the rest of my life with, I would be more than okay with that. I am changing and I am slowly losing that need to feel wanted and loved by loving everyone. I am starting to see that no matter how much you love someone or how highly you think of them, they don't care nearly as much as you do. Now all that mostly is my feelings towards Lynn. I love that kid. And he says he loves me too. But I don't think he does. And I don't think he believes that I do love him. I have a big heart and I want to fix everyone. I have been like that as long as I remember. Everyone needs someone. But my mom made me realize tonight that I can't be everyone's someone. No matter how much I want to, I just can't do everything for everyone. I want to help people. I would do anything to make some people's lives better, but some people have to fix their own lives. And if they won't let me in, I am just going to have to learn to be ok with letting go and walking away. I like who I am becoming. I am becoming strong and independent. But I don't like that I am losing some of that compassion and love I feel towards everyone. That has made me who I am. But people either take advantage of that. Or take it forgranted. I am seeing I deserve to be respected and cherished and not tossed to the side. I have always let people walk all over me just because I wanted to help them. And people have treated me badly because they know that I will always be there. So even though I feel like I am losing a part of myself by learning to let go of people more easily, I also feel that is making me stronger. And less dependent on everyone else for my happiness. If I love someone, I will always love them no matter what. But I am not letting my love be taken forgranted. Some people appreciate me and love me as much as I love them. And those are the people I want to waste my time with. (Comment on this)