X0X; <3 ; 12 09 09  [ mood | confused ] [ music | goo goo dolls [iris] ] you can't fight the tears that ain't comin' or the moment of truth in your lies when everything feels like the movies yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive. & i don't want the world to see me, 'cause i don't think that they'd understand. when everything's made to be broken, i just want you to know who i am. i have made so many mistakes. i lost richard. it's all my fault. he wrote me a 3-page letter. and i wrote him back, but i couldn't give him mine. i didn't want him to know those things. i don't know if i'm over him, if i've been over him for a long time, if i love him, if i've ever loved him. i don't know anything at all about how i feel -- how could i expect anyone else to? i'm an enigma when it comes to emotions, even to myself. it scares me that my feelings change so abruptly. and it hurts so many other people. it hurts me, too. in the end, i'm alone because i've pushed everyone away. i have been talking to yashar a lot lately though. i don't know what i'm doing. am i just sucking him into my trap? or do i have genuine feelings for him? or am i just searching for someone to have feelings for? i really do care about yashar, and i love talking to him -- for HOURS. he's intelligent and attractive and we've been friends for a long time, but i don't really know what i'm thinking.. i live in california. i'm not moving back to new york, i'm pretty sure. i don't know how i even would. so i don't know what i'm doing. maybe i'm doing it because i know that he knows it can't be serious because we are so far away from each other.. but idk what will happen. on saturday night i slept with my 10th grade humanities teacher. it's funny because he really just fit the bill for me. i was looking for someone who was nice and smart, someone i knew well enough to feel comfortable with, and most importantly, married. i had just written in isis and my slambook that i wanted to have sex with a married man, to know that he craved me enough to cheat on his wife but that it wasn't going anywhere because he was committed. richard wrote a $600 check to my therapist. he wants me to see her every week. he knew i couldn't afford it. what scares me most about what he did is that it's completely selfless. i mean, yes you could say he wants me to get better so that i can learn to love and love him.. but still, it's just the fact that he wants so badly for me to get better and now he is taking time and space away from me, so he can get over me. i don't know what's going to happen next. it's very hard when i get to this point in the relationship, just like with mike. i feel so... i'm just confused. REPLy..

X0X;	<3 ; 11 19 09
[ mood | giddy ] i feel amazing. yesterday i hated the world. i went to work in the morning and then i was going to buy some shoes but i was really depressed and just wanted to go home, dance around maybe and do nothing. what i ended up doing was showering - crying and crying and crying in the shower - and then i got out and got dressed really pretty in a yellow and green sundress that anwar got me. then i was going to overdose on lexapro. i found out later that that probably wouldn't have killed me, but i did decide to take one of them. i felt fantastic the rest of the night, just very very drowsy. i slept over richards last night, but nothing happened between us. for such a long time i was looking to feel something, but now that i've given up on that feeling it's like i've become, well - what pink floyd said - comfortably numb. it's okay and it's almost better than feeling. and i feel so great today. so alone and so fantastic. i went back to kristen, my old therapist, last night. she is amazing and i love her. i'm going to stop drinking. i had a problem. i shouldn't do it anymore.
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X0X;	<3 ; 11 14 09
[ mood | morose ] [ music | it's cool, we can just be friends [bRIGHT EYES] ] is it sad how badly i want to die? i feel like i'm always being taken advantage of; i'm always making the bad decisions; i'm always doing what i don't want to do because i'm scared and just want to make other people happy, even though i know that's always the wrong thing to do. i'm scared because i'm alone, and i'm broke. maybe i should just get back together with... well, i'm pathetic. i make latenight phone calls for sex, because i'm an addict and an alcoholic.
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X0X;	<3 ; 11 12 09
i'm really good at doing shit by myself. i truly have a skill when it comes to planning things and getting things done. but i'm ridiculously hopeless when it comes to getting other people to commit to things, relying on other people to follow through with their commitments, and trusting things to get done if im not in charge of everything. it's hard for me to lead people in my hunger& homelessness campaign. i always expect to be disappointed.
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X0X;	<3 ; 11 12 09
[ music | waiting all my life [rascal flatts] ] i'm at work, and it's weird - there's nothing for me to do. i'm sitting here, and i have no homework. i don't really want to read my newspaper; i'm too tired. chas and i got to sleep at like 5am and i had to be up at 7:30 for work. i didn't want to get up. i didn't even shower. i'm such a waste. i wish i could go back to school. nextquarternextquarternextquarter. definitely. i won't let ucla keep me outtt, whether i have to do only one quarter every year or WHATEVER. at least i took summer classes. hah i'll probably graduate right on time. how funny. blahh - am i getting too excited because it's a new guy in my life and i just like having new guys? or is there a legitimate connection between me and chas? i guess i'll just have to figure it out. it's terrible, though, because i feel like i'm back in high school - afraid to tell a boy that i'm dating another boy because i don't want to hurt his feelings. well, what do i care? and how do i always find myself in these situations? i'm such a bitch, such a dirty whore.
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X0X;	<3 ; 11 12 09
[ music | make a plan to love me [brighteyes] ] he's a gentleman. he opens doors for me and he bought me breakfast this morning. his name is chas. he has blonde hair and blue eyes. in some ways, he reminds me of mike, but he's older and more independent. he likes to play the guitar. he wants to have a music career. he's practical, too. he believes in having balance. he used to canvass for us but quit recently (which is good because i wouldn't have been able to date him if he had kept working for us). he likes scrabble. the hell do i care? i thought i didn't want a relationship. i don't know; it probably won't last. i'll be over it quickly; i always am. i like him, though, right now and i'd like it to last. but i know how i am -- at a certain point i decide i want to fall in love and so i say it and then the feeling goes away. well, it's not like we're in a serious relationship anyway. we've talked about it. well, we talked about it before either of us knew the other was interested, and both of us said that we weren't looking for a relationship -- not at this age; it's a time for self-exploration. but, hey, this might turn into something. who knows? joe dwyer, glad that didn't work out. he was young. cheap. so not for me. blah i am so boycrazy. it's all i think about; how pathetic.
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X0X;	<3 ; 11 05 09
[ mood | drained ] [ music | (hAILIE'S SONG) ;eminem ] my horoscope thinks i need to find new sources of entertainment. i don't really believe in these kinds of things, but i think it's right. i do a lot of volunteer work. i put so much time and energy and effort into CALPIRG that it doesn't make sense because i'm not taking sufficient care of myself. i bet i could do better at work if i wasn't so worn out. everyone is selfish, and - intellectually - i realize that selfishness is a virtue rather than a vice, but there's something that keeps me from being that way and i can't figure out what it is. i am completely self-destructive. i am an objectivist. i believe in the correct philosophy, but i am still an altruist. what is wrong with me? i always defended my altruism by claiming that it was completely self-interested. it took me until this week to realize that it's a lie. i've been going to LOGIC meetings, and i agree with them. i have been wrong. i also went to the CALPIRG hearing to protect the oceans; i completely DISAGREE with them. i understand that the environment is a concern and that it needs to be protected, but i think that there are rational ways to go about it without becoming treehugging extremists and costing millions of jobs. I UNDERSTAND, AND I KNOW THAT -- regardless, i give SO MUCH of myself that it hurts me. maybe that's what makes me so depressed. i'm living a contradiction. i am not consistent with my own beliefs.
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X0X;	<3 ; 11 04 09
[ mood | confused ] [ music | 'sympathy for the martyr' [straylight run] ] i'm not sure exactly what's going on with me, or why it is that i feel the way that i feel. i don't think i've ever felt this way before. it's like being simultaneously confident and insecure, no more mood swings -- i am simultaneously ecstatic and depressed. i can't help it; i'm completely confused. lately i have been simultaneously lonely and distant; i slept over richard's - called him to pick me up two nights in a row because i didn't want to be all alone; then i wouldn't cuddle with him. i didn't want to kiss him. i didn't want him near me, to be honest. i wish i could explain it. i wish i could go back to therapy. i'm not enrolled in school, so i don't have the school health insurance anymore. it's annoying because i need it so badly right now. i have lexapro, but i'm so confused because i'm not really feeling depressed. i wonder if it would help? it had been prescribed and then i ended up going with a different medication, so i've never used this one. but i can give it a shot, i suppose. and then i wonder - do i even need medication? i'm completely fine. i'm functioning normally; i can still fund-raise, and i've been pledging well. i have been doing just fine - sometimes exceptionally - with interacting with people, in general at least. i am so needy and afraid though. but i have at the very same time been feeling like a loner, strong and confident. i want a boyfriend to hold me and to take care of me, someone to spend time with and to talk to -- but at the exact same time i just want to be left COMPLETELY ALONE. and i've had a growing interest in women, too. none of this makes any sense. i know it. i feel so unsure of myself... some of the time, lately. godfuckingdamnit.. this is all bullshit. i just want a friend. i just don't want to be alone. i just want to have detached sex. i want passionate kisses. i don't want anyone around. i just want to relax. i want to get things done. i want to go back to school. i just want to lie under my covers. i just want to watch tv. i want to cut myself. i just want to feel something. i just want to be happy. i want to drink. i want to party. i want to travel. i just want to get away. i just want to stay home.. just a day at home. itdoesntmakeanysensebecauseimfeelingallthisatonce. i told richard that i wish i could feel something - for him, for anyone. but i don't. i told him i just want to get my heart broken, and he said, "pain isn't the only thing there is to feel." i thought about it and i'm wondering now -- is that true? did i think that? am i truly happy? am i too afraid to ever allow myself to be truly happy? i hurt today. i don't know why. i was so insecure when i saw joe on bruin walk; it was weird. we hooked up a couple of weeks ago at a frat party and went on a couple of dates. he was really sweet, really cheap but really sweet. the last time i saw him (last thursday) i was drunk and high and we had sex. afterwards he walked me home in the morning and kissed me like i'd never been kissed before. it was sort of beautiful. but then i blew him off on friday night when he wanted to hang out. i wanted to see him, too, but i'm an idiot. christian asked me if he could come over and i said yes because i felt bad, felt guilty for being over him, for never really being that into him. so i let christian come over and he was here while joe and i were texting back and forth. then i led joe to believe that i fell asleep. the truth was that i wanted to see him and i was stuck with christian. i made out with christian that night, but i didn't have sex with him. how could i? i didn't feel anything. i was drunk at the time; i just did what i wanted to do. what i wanted to do was tell him that i was just going to sleep. what i really really wanted to do was to go downstairs and meet joe and kiss him some more. i'm scared that joe doesn't like me anymore. i'm scared that it's my fault. we were supposed to eat together today, but i don't know whether he blew me off because he was getting back at me -- because he didn't care -- because it really was a misunderstanding like he said it was (he thought i meant friday because i originally said friday but then ran into him on bruinwalk and changed the plans for today)... the thing is, why do i care so much? last week when we went to lunch we talked for hours. he even missed class. he's really funny, really smart, really sweet. really cheap, but i can deal with that - it doesn't matter SO MUCH i suppose. we have some stuff in common - he's a philosophy major. i just really enjoyed his company, and now i'm afraid that i ruined everything -- and i don't know why i'm so afraid; it's not like there was much going on between us. there a hundred different men in my life, and i feel like a dirty whore.. because at the end of the day i don't really know what i want, i want it all. yOU JUSt can't RELAx anD YOU can't reLY on anyONE for ANYthing, so you MAKe your COMplaints & - oh - EVERYone's leT you dOWN. you JUST can't ever wiN. convinCed there's A war oN -- it's always everybody versUS you, conVINCEd that your critics are WATCHing -- And you've alWAYs got somethin' -- you've always got somethin' TO PROVE.
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X0X;	<3 ; 11 03 09
[ music | comfortably numb [pinkFLOYD] ] I am completely empty. i'm not sure what happened to me. i used to feel everything. i used to empathize with everyone. i used to understand. i used to get sad. i used to be in love. i used to have a soul, and now i think it's gone. but how am i supposed to feel? URGENT BREAKING NEWS: 6 Missing Women Found Dead in Sex Offender's Basement look at the things that happen in the world we live in, the kinds of the things that people do to each other. "Sex offender alleged pattern: invite women to 'party', strangle, rape them." how can you feel anything when you hear about these things every day? there are a hundred men in my life right now. my problem is so mundane compared to the things i watch on the news, but i just don't understand it and it bothers me -- i can't fall in love. i'm interested for a brief period of time -- not too long ago i was even able to tell someone that i loved him. and i don't even know how that feels anymore; i don't even know if it was true at the time. i miss being so completely consumed in someone that i felt like i needed that person, feeling like someone outside of me could be so important to my life. i want to fall in love, and i think i deserve to get my heart broken. i want to at least be able to get hurt. but that feeling is so distant from me now. i've gone too far. it's like there's this invisible force around my heart that makes it unreachable and unbreakable. it's like i have no heart at all. i can't force myself to care -- even if i want to so badly. =/
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X0X;	<3 ; 10 22 09
i took my love; i took it down. climbed a mountain and i turned around. i saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills, till the landslide brought me down. i am getting so desperate, and feeling so helpless. i'm not really sure where to go from here; i just know that i've come this far, and i'm not going to stop. "this is not only unfair, but wrong." sometimes i feel so alone. but, i've been doing well - i swear. things are just strange right now. i think i have to drop out again. and i don't want to -- i don't want to do anything at all. i'm so drained. i just want to drink myself to sleep. i miss kerry. i haven't allowed myself to say that til now. what am i supposed to do? i hate being alone.
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Miss Jessica ( lovin' every bit of attention from you fake h03s ;D )