Justine's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar] Justine info friends calendar myspace art [ userinfo | blurty userinfo ] [ calendar | blurty calendar ]

[29 Jan 2006|12:10am] my cousin from england is over for the weekend. tonight we talked of our family back home, american politics, germany, college, art, and music. maybe it's just the difference in cultures, but i'm so intreged by everything he has to say. i want to live in europe and live as the europeans do. i want to learn more french so that i may go to college in paris to become an artist. i want to have a cottage in ireland. to visit my family on a daily basis, to take walks through the mountains, to live on a farm. everything's better there. the world is cleaner, the world is brighter, people are realer, nicer, kinder, warmer. even the tea tastes better. when my cousin and mother speak of ireland, they refer to it as "home". i guess i do too. because i feel like everything about me that is good lies in that beautiful place. just thinking of going back within the next few years brings tears to my eyes. i dream of europe. add?

[21 Jan 2006|11:29pm] i hate myself right now. i hate the way i look, i hate the way i act, i hate the way people look at me lately. i'm joining track this spring and going on a diet, not for the love of running, but because i can't look at myself without wanting to cry. i want to get these goddamned braces off. i was supposed to get them off this month, but now i have them for another couple of months. i look like a fucking 12 year old awkward, pudgy little girl. i feel like people ignore me a lot more now. the only people i've felt close with lately is kerisa and becky. all three of us are a lot alike. it's like a clique, and it's not. and even if it is, i'm at a point in my life where it doesn't even matter to me. because, lately, they're the only people i've only felt a semblance of any kind of love from. i barely even see my best friend anymore. she's too caught up in her many boyfriends. i can't even invite her to a party without her ditching me for some boy. it really hurts me i never see the girl i used to be really good friends with anymore. only here and there. i'm dying to be friends with her again, things just fell apart. she clearly doesn't like me anymore. she ignores me unless i approach her first. i've just lost all hope in contact, even though i'd love for things to go back the way they were. i have another friend that i was close with that i never really see or talk to anymore. again, romantic conflict and immature little girls getting in the way. i'm close with some other people, but not close enough to fill the gaps where those ones who left were. i dont have anybody to turn to but these two girls. i love them so much. i really do. i just feel alone otherwise though i walk around at parties looking for people to just blend in with. i find a group of people talking, and i just sit in and listen. just to take up time. because that's all i'm doing now. taking up time. until i can get out of this mess. maybe find somebody special to put my energy towards. a teenage romance, the greatest oxymoron of them all because its not romance, not love. just hormones, just sexual attraction disguised as love. it's all a hoax. and yet, i want it more than anyone else i know. i want it because i'm weak. because i want somebody's hormones to be attracted to be. because it's not really love, it's just fucking teenage hormones. that's all. because at this point, fuck it, love doesn't exist at my age. maybe i actually want to feel. maybe i really dont want any of this but i'll take it because it's the best there is. because i give into the pressures of society. again, because i'm weak. i hate teenagers. somedays i just want to be one of those kids that just go out, hookup with any random guy, get drunk, get high, all that dumb shit that make people "fit in". that make people superior to others. it's ridiculous, but i really do. because life is so dull, so alone. to be under a drunklike state would blur the world out, just for one night. people wouldn't be concerned with drama that only makes things worse. people could laugh at dumb jokes and dance around. we'd all have an excuse. i'd feel excepted in a world where i clearly am not. we would all love each other, even if the love were only the alcohol. but i never will because tomorrow is sunday. and i'm at the church again. where the priest won't even look at me anymore because of one thing i said. the one person i really admired and listened to hates me. and ever since, i've been a wreck. i hate going to church because of it. i hate pizza and prayer because of it. i hate the whole program because of it. because when it all comes down to it, all that i treasured in this world is slipping from my fingertips. i've lost all hope. somedays i just want to be like everyone else so that i don't have to think this much 2 add?

[05 Jan 2006|10:39pm] honey, i never meant to sink your ship i'll send you a lifesaver if you'll accept, but it's almost like you want to die. it's almost like you wanted me to do it. you wanted me to send your ship to peril. it's almost like you want to drown, so people can dive in after you. what happens when they don't? are you going to pull me underwater with you? you're sufficating me. it's getting hard to breathe with your hand grabbing me, pulling me under with you. i don't want to drown with you, but i'll be happy to bring you afloat, bring us afloat. i'm fighting a hopeless cause. i could give up, but i'll stay here. fighting, fighting. beating myself up for not diving in or perhaps just beating myself up over the fact that i won't leave i won't just let you drown so i can get on with my life but i can't stop you from swimming in the middle of nowhere, away from shore, where everyone is waiting for you. i can't force you, but i'll stay here with this lifesaver until you need it. when you want me, just send me a s.o.s. i'm here for you, but i'm staying on land. add?

[03 Jan 2006|10:03pm] klafjsdlfjasdlfj i have to write an essay comparing two books i haven't read yet and its due friday ahh stress overload.ouchithurts. add?

[02 Jan 2006|10:35pm] "And I laugh out loud My life is a mess I have gone too far In my lifelessness Another coffee it's on the house The poor girl look is on the owners spouse And my heart stopped beating" so i found out that my play at nda is the same night as the stag semi at church. at first, i was kind of mad and stuff, but i'm over it now. sure, i might miss out on something, but i'm starting to not be so upset if i miss out on something at church. i've found that i rely too much on people to be there. what happens if it all goes away? who will i have? i really don't have too many friends who don't go to church with me. is that sad? for some reason, i kind of think it is. i don't hang out with anyone from school outside of school. except for maybe sarah and jess... ... when i see them at church. it's all too predictable. all too routine. i need a life outside of this group of people. i like my life within the group, but i feel like i'm hiding from the rest of the world. i like work. it's the only time where i'm not at school, i'm not at home, and i'm not at lifeteen. i like the people i work with. they're nothing like the people i hang out with, but i find it refreshing. it's nice to see a different side of things. and it's nice to change setting. it really is. wtf, school tomorrow. 1 add?

[02 Jan 2006|10:06pm] new years was insane. absolutely insane. insane in the sense that it drove me insane, and insane in the sense that a lot of crazy. unbelievable things happened. i think overall having people over my house wasn't really worth it all that much for me, but other people seemed to have a good time. i guess that's all that matters. i will never have as many kids over as i did the other night. a lot of things happened that i don't really want to talk about. i'm kind of disapointed in some people. kind of saddened by some people. but i'm also really impressed with others and i really honestly adore some others. well, scratch that. i adore most. i really do. i'm just disapointed at times like these when my house and family are disrespected. but, hey, "open invite" comes with a lot of responcibility that you need to be prepared for. oh well. the good thing is that everyone else seemed to be happy, having fun, and all that good stuff. i did have fun, i had tons of fun, don't get me wrong, but i just wish i wasn't giving the party. because when you give the party, you take responcibility for everyone else. but everything is done, and everythings good. i'm exhausted. i slept a whole 3 hours on new years. i looked like i was hung over in the morning. oh, if only i was. some days i wish i was so drunk that i didn't have to think this much. i could just live and let live. i could just let the world keep spinning without my stupid fucking input on everything. overall, the beginning of 2006 hasn't been all that bad. i saw king kong today with my dad. it was phenomenal. it absolutely blew me away. resolutions? i'm on a somewhat diet that really hasn't been all that successful as of yet. perhaps a vegetarian diet? i haven't decided yet. i'm going to try to start trying even a little bit in school. i'm also going to crack down on getting some quality pieces for my portfolio. i'm starting a handwritten journal, too. a journal to write, sketch, and express myself in. so yeah. thats it for now. happy new years. 1 add?

[31 Dec 2005|01:18am] today is the last day of 2005. 2005. what a year. one of the best of my life, seriously. so much happened in these 12 months. 12 months seems like 12 years. so many positives. i read through my journal of the past year. goddamn, what a good year. sure, there were a lot of mishaps. heartbreak. selfpity. the works. but that stuff is always going to happen. the positives schooled the negatives. this year i started to learn what it means to be justine harrington. who is this girl, and how did she get here? how does she react? how do people see her? what are her morals? life goals? what is her future? how the hell did she end up where she is today? the little shy girl who didn't interact with the scary, intimdiating world, blossomed into a person of love, creativity, and courage. a life that lives with out fear. a girl with a responce to the world. responce? she responds? she's really there? she really sees a life that's going somewhere, whether it be what she wants or not. a life that travels forward, not backward. what growth. what stamina. what expansion in faith, love, friendships, and knowledge. what memories. memories that will last a lifetime. this march saved my life. march 2005 will always have a special place in my heart. always. this year was amazing. and i hope 2006 is just as good. add?

[29 Dec 2005|11:00pm] "It's like when you are excited about a girl and you see a couple holding hands, and you feel so happy for them. And then you see the same couple holding hands, and they make you so mad. And all you want is to always feel happy for them becase you know that if you do, then it means that you're happy, too." add?

[25 Dec 2005|10:21pm] As I've said in the past, I've never been a fan of Christmas. Advent has always been depressing, and Lent has always been enlightening and nice for me. It's kind of ironic. I choose the death over the birth. I choose the month of self suffering and penence over the month of preparing for the birth and good news. It's always kind of been the opposite for me, if that makes sense. I've always found comfort in Lent, and suffering in Advent. This Christmas wasn't anything fun or exciting, but I hate sounding like a cynic all the time, so I'll list some positives. What I love best about Christmas is the energy and love it gives certain people. Although I don't feel as passionately about the holiday as others do, I love being around people who do feel the passion. You can tell the people who truely enjoy Christmas, and they're beautiful for it. Absolutely beautiful. There are fake lovers of Christmas, the people who spread fake joy, and there are people who really, truely love it. They cheer me up so much. They are what the season is all about. That Christmas joy is something I truely long for myself. I try to love it as much as the others do, I really do. I just haven't felt any sense of that Christmas "magic" since two years ago. I've cried my way through December, but December is almost over, and a new year is yonder. I'm excited for the new year. 2006 should be good. Every year of my life has grown in excitement and new experiences. This year will be a big one for me. I can feel it. 2005 was a year of big change, and 2006 should be the year of that change coming together in my life. The year when the puzzle pieces come together. Hopefully. New Years Resolutions are still being pondered. I've evaluated myself. I know my strengths, my weaknesses. I want to better myself, like woah. I mean, I always want to, but right now, I think if I don't, I'll be in a lot of trouble. There's always the traditional lose weight, get better grades, eat healthier. But what I most need is to work on my manners. Oh my God, I need to work on manners. I'm such a selfabsorbed, selfrighteous, pompous bitch. I think that's the one thing I need to work on the most. add?

[23 Dec 2005|11:09pm] i can't believe christmas is only two days away. well, one day and fifty hours. insane. where did the time go? i went to boston yesterday with a couple of people. it was nice. i love the city. i want to start going there more often on days off. i worked afterwards. i thought i was working a shift that started 45 minutes later, so needless to say, i was really late. after work, i went to see a movie. it was a really nice day overall. it was a nice way to spend a day off. today i had lunch with becky and bri. it was very nice. then bri and i walked over to the mall and talked to her friend that worked there and looked at shoes and whatnot. then cath picked me up for work, which was incredibly busy and tiring. tomorrow i work all morning, then maybe i'll stop by daves house for his christmas eve party. then midnight mass. mass should be nice. i hope the format isn't too lifeteen and loud. that sounds insulting, but i really want a peaceful and prayerful mass. it's a christmas midnight mass and i think it should just be toned down for effect. well, either way, i'm sure it'll be fine. i'm seeing life in primary colors. blue. red. yellow. simple and agreeable. add?

[21 Dec 2005|09:40pm] christmas is my least favorite holiday. it's cursed, absolutely cursed. 2 years ago, my grandmother died, three days after christmas. the last time i saw her was christmas day of 2003, and we left on bad terms. i didn't even get to say goodbye. my whole life was downhill for the next few months. i miss her terribly, every single day of my life. 1 year ago, i was incredibly sick with mono, an ear infection, and pretty much everything you can think of. i started to get sick on christmas eve, then i was sent to the emergency room on christmas morning. i was sick throughout that whole entire vacation. i didn't get to do anything, and my family had to stay home to take care of me. my entire christmas day was spent at home in bed. it was horrible. now, 4 days before christmas, i'm at an all time low. my uncle is really sick in the hospital, and home life isn't the best. i fight with my parents all the time. i screw up like its my job. everything i do is wrong lately. i feel horrible about myself, and i shouldn't blame others like i have been. i shouldn't. because that comes to bite me right back. my grades, i don't even know about my grades. i thought i was doing well, but my parents said if i dont start doing better, they're going to kick me out of nda. the thing is, i don't even care. i hate nda. the only thing i like about the place is the art program. however, i'm scared to leave, because if i leave that means ursuline with no art program aka no art school, or hanover high which means i'll get tormented by the kids who still talk about me after 4 years of not seeing them. however i look at it, life doesn't seem to be going my way. its the season. i swear, its the season. i dont know if i will ever like christmas again. its tough to blame such a joyous day like this because of bad luck, but everything about the holiday reminds me of really hurtful and sad things. i'm so depressed and angry around this season. i hate it. 1 add?

[18 Dec 2005|11:23pm] [ music | dreamgirl [x] dave matthews band ] I really am starting to enjoy work a bit. I'm starting to get to know people. Not really well, but well enough. I missed lifeteen tonight because I had to work. There was a part of me that was upset, but another that was refreshed? Refreshed isn't the right word, but for now it'll work. I don't know why, but I just liked the change for the moment. It's not like i'm quitting lifeteen or anything, but doing something different for a change was kind of nice in a refreshing sort of way. Not nescessarily a in a really good way, but in a pretty nice and refreshing way. I did pop by for a few minutes at the end. I missed quite a bit tonight, but hey, that's life. I got to see a couple of friends. I'm at a content point in my life. The past few weeks have been a bit rocky due to stress, but things are starting to calm down just a bit. I'm still stressed over school and a few other things, but school ends in two days, and whatever else is bothering me will calm down. I'm sure of it. Friend situations are getting nicer. I'm finding myself just kind of letting go. I laugh more often than I used to. I'm starting to take life a lot less seriously now, which is a good thing in a way I guess. I was surprised last night by something little. It was a nice surprise. It's funny how something small that somebody does for you can make your night. Even if things don't ultimately work out in the end, it still makes you feel good. My mom and I got in a huge fight on politics today over lunch. She got really mad at what I had to say. She doesn't like it when I don't give into commonly accepted ideas, especially ideas given by the church and lifeteen. I used to get in fights like this with them last year when I didn't concider myself a Catholic. Now that I do accept myself as one, they act surprised that I still have the same set of ideas, morals, and standards that I had a year ago. Sure, some have changed, but when it all comes down to it, I'm still the same in some respects. The whole fact that my mom actually screamed at me because of it really upset and confused me. If I don't agree with her, and I let her know, she gets really mad at me. It's quite frustrating. Joe Cody's surprise party was cute the other night. I enjoyed myself. I hope Joe did, too. I found myself a little intolarant of some of the immaturity in the company of Joe's family, but I quickly got over it. I was just a little worried that Joe's parents would get a bad impression of us all. I think overall, things went over great. Grobo, Chuck, and Pat Holland made my night with their entrance. They all dressed up in tuxes. It was amazing. On the ride home, Becky and I sat in the back of Mike's car. We were completely obnoxious. However, I didn't really care at that point. I think we might have pissed some people off, but we were fucking hilarious. We always act like we're drunk when we're together. I'm not even kidding. We sing, we cuss, we laugh [at the stupidest things]. Sometimes I figure it's okay to sacrifice how you appear for a good laugh. Once in a while. I can think of another time where that applied. Another time I won't list here due to controvercy. But that night was worth it. Some people hated us for it. I still think some people have a grudge against us for it, but the laughs were memorable, and although we were obnoxious, it was all worth it. I love Becky to death. I'm so glad we're friends. I've procrastinated on this French project for the past month. It's worth like a third of my grade, and it's due tomorrow. It's now 11:37 at night, and very little is done. I'm completely, undeniablely screwed. ah ramble ramble ramble. i'm never going to get any of my work done. 1 add?

[13 Dec 2005|09:14pm] i remember when i was young, being sent to bed was a burden and a negative thing. sleep is no longer a punishment in my eyes. as i grow older, i grow busier, and i grow more tired. sleep is my escape. escape from the world so cold, especially at this time of year. twenty degrees of reality. i dream for the warmth. with my comforter, sheets, and extra blanket, sleep is my oasis. i'm wrapped around by myself, but i dream you're there too. heart-to-heart, skin-on-skin. lying comfortably in the company of another's body heat. with my eyelids closed like the doors of your heart, the world doesn't matter for those few unconcious hours. i fall asleep never wanting to wake up. sleep is a dream, and to be awake is a nightmare. i don't want to feel the cold again. i want a constant allusion of life with pleasant lies and you. i crave for sleep. 1 add?

[13 Dec 2005|08:55pm] nobody gave me joy like you did for me. your warm embrace brought about shivers that would last hours on end. but for what? we barely talk anymore, and you now have your friends that i can't stand. i question myself. i thought that i really found something worth while. i thought that 8 months ago, too. my intuition is always wrong. "this'll work. this is it. this is what i've been waiting for. i'm sure of it." i need to stop convincing myself of these lies. i felt so loved, so right. but you led me on. god damn it, you led me on. and the light is finally dawning. i finally get it. it's been one-sided since the beginning. now all i feel is lonliness. i'm going to start focusing on things that matter, like school and work. people let me down too much. i can't be bothered by them. add?

[11 Dec 2005|02:39am] what the fuck. here we go. i'm so intolerant lately. i have no patience for anyone anymore. i want to be patient. i really do. i just don't understand some things. how people can be the way they are. i don't like anyone less because of it, i just get impatient. and i become such a bitch. i yell and scream like i have some kind of authority or something. ahh fuck it. i tend to be saying that a lot lately. i just give up on a lot of things. instead of getting upset, i just give up. not the best approach, but i'd rather keep my thoughts to myself instead of do anymore damage. brianna and i bonded tonight. it was cute. i love that girl. a lot. i wish i could've gone to boston with everyone today. work ruins a lot of plans. but i get paid, and god knows i need the money. i have a lot to pay for in the next month. i'm working a total of 23 hours next week. well, 23 after 5 extra hours added to my double time tomorrow afternoon. i get uped to a cashier soon, which means a whole 25 cents added to every hour on my paycheck. i have the feeling that people are starting to drift away from me. nobody really gives a shit about me lately. i try to start a conversation with somebody, and they'll look completely uninterested. i'm not saying i need the attention or anything, i just want to be loved like i used to be. i don't blame them, though. i don't really like me too much lately. i've become quite boring, and as a result of this, i've become quite a bitch. i hate it. i need change. bad. it seems like i always need change. i can't stay constant in one area without getting bored, tired, or frustrated. i want to move out, make some new friends, meet new people, make new experiences for myself. i'm frustrated with where i am now. i'm in such an awkward state. god, i hate growing up. add?

[09 Dec 2005|08:48pm] is it twisted to feel pity for the ememy? to put down your guard, and feel love for the one who caused you or your friend pain? there are four i can think of. and i've been thinking about them lately. and i've thought a lot of positive things about them. i relate to them. i relate to the enemy. i see through the ememy's eyes. i see beauty in the ememy. i dont talk to them. i've never really been friends with them. they dont really give me the time of day. but i still love them. some talk about me, they say nasty things. some its me whos said the horrible things. mostly out of jealousy and hate. but i've given up my side of the bargain. all i feel is love. add?

[09 Dec 2005|07:28pm] there was a huge snow storm today. you couldnt see 5 feet in front of you with all the fog, snow, rain, wind, etc. no school. no lifeteen. all plans cancelled. i slept until 1 in the afternoon. 1:00pm! then i woke up only to sit on the couch, eat lunch ,and watch episodes of my name is earl and family guy. it doesn't get any lazier than that. but laziness is all i can gather from my life lately. i have an abundance of work to catch up on for school, and no motivation to do any of it. life has been travelling at a snail's pace, and i haven't even bothered to keep myself busy to speed things up. i've had no passion for anything lately. nothing's bothered me. i'm just numb. its a result of a lack of responce and just being tired of beating myself down over something that isn't my problem. it's always my fault, according to me. lack of love, lack of attention. fuck it all, thats what i say. i give up. i g i v e u p. music has been my comfort as of now. numbing my life through music, faith, and art. in between, my life has become work, which will be used up on the 2 big trips i have coming up and christmas presents. my whole life has succumbed to just one big lack of feeling, consciousness, and sensation. i did something productive yesterday and i brought my brother out to the movies and mall. i haven't been spending enough time with him, and i needed to get a gift for the christmas drive as school anyways. we saw our movie and walked around the mall. it was nice. i have such a good brother. i'm so glad we're as close as we are on the bright side, a lot of good things are coming up. lifenight on sunday. not too many days until the holiday vacation. 2 trips. other stuff. so, when it all comes down to it, things are alright. i want to go to boston. boston is always pretty during the holiday season. will you go with me to boston? add?

[08 Dec 2005|10:53pm] god, i need a boyfriend. add?

[08 Dec 2005|12:59pm] ps RIP John Lennon October 9,1940 - December 8,1980 add?

[08 Dec 2005|12:53pm] i had a bad dream last night. where people were getting married, and i was left alone. i woke up crying. what the fuck. 1 add?

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ] [ go | earlier ]