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Thursday, May 12th, 2005
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1:34 pm - I am moving my journal...
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| Monday, February 7th, 2005
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7:01 am
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Its like i have just woken up from a deep sleep again...
Why do I get lost...why do I keep losing myself...Why is it one day I wake up and wonder where I have been for so long?
I feel like I am 2 people...and the one I like to be is who I am now...
My heart is swollen...my emotions on high...my head is so high in the air I don't even know what is going on..but I don't care...im just here...and that is where I am happy!
I am fighting this hunger inside me with words...with feeling..controlling the pain...Damage control!
I heard somethign the other night that reminded me of what people have been telling me for years...
"Alot of people love you....
....you just think they are all wrong!"
:(
*singing*
Baby Im addicted, im out of control
Your the drug the keeps me from dying...
Your the only reason im trying
**********************
Im wasted away
made a million mistakes
**********************
Im not afraid of dying
but im afraid of losing you
Baby Im addicted
Im out of control...
current mood: Dazed
current music: Addicted-Enrique
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, September 11th, 2003
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9:33 pm
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I fell in love today...
"I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By Your side
I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When Your face
Is before me
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel?
Will I dance for You Jesus or in awe of You be still?
Will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing hallelujah; will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
When that day comes
When I find myself
Standing in the Son
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever,
Forever worship You
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel?
Will I dance for You Jesus or in awe of You be still?
Will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing hallelujah; will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine
Yeah
I can only imagine
Hey, yeah, yeah!
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel?
Will I dance for You Jesus or in awe of You be still?
Will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing hallelujah; will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine
Yeah
I can only imagine
Yeah, yeah,
I can only imagine,
Yeah. Yeah
I can only imagine.
I can only imagine,
Yeah,
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
When all I would do,
Is forever,
Forever worship You.
I can only imagine"
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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2:04 am
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I wrote this for him tonight......
Wintre winds are calling in the distance
The moon rises whole tongiht
She is not alone this time
The one has set her soul aflight
To possess her would be imprisonment of the lady with open eyes
To free her soul to soar, will never lead him to demise
SHe shares her soul and passions
Taking her vows in silence
an interlude to their eternal love
To fall so rushed is deadly, to be shattered again in vain
But she cares not for this worry, for her sorrow goes by no name...
"Hi Baby" her heart stops. her breath becomes slow and trembled
He leads her down paths she has never set a foot
She follows with no conviction.
Into the night, the moon falls high and her heart comes tumbling down.
She consumes his attention like poison writhing into her veins and wears his heart as her crown.
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, July 19th, 2003
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4:25 am
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SALIVA LYRICS
Always
I hear... a voice say "Don't be so blind"...
it's telling me all these things...
that you would probably hide...
am I... your one and only desire...
am I the reason you breathe...
or am I the reason you cry...
Always... always... always... always... always... always... always...
I just can't live without you...
I love you...
I hate you...
I can't get around you...
I breathe you...
I taste you...
I can't live without you...
I just can't take any more...
this life of solitude...
I guess that i'm out the door...
and now i'm done with you...
I feel... like you don't want me around...
I guess i'll pack all my things...
I guess i'll see you around...
Its all... been bottled up until now...
as I walk out your door...
all I hear is the sound...
Always... always... always... always... always... always... always...
I just can't live without you...
I love you...
I hate you...
I can't get around you...
I breathe you...
I taste you...
I can't live without you...
I just can't take any more...
this life of solitude...
I guess that i'm out the door...
and now i'm done with you...
I love you...
I hate you...
I can't live without you...
I left my head around your heart...
Why would you tear my world apart...
Always... always... always... always...
I see... the blood all over your hands...
does it make you feel... more like a man...
was it all... just a part of your plan...
the pistol's shakin' in my hands...
and all I hear is the sound...
I love you...
I hate you...
I can't live without you...
I breathe you...
I taste you...
I can't live without you...
I just can't take any more...
this life of solitude...
I guess that i'm out the door...
and now i'm done with you...
I love you...
I hate you...
I can't live without you...
I love you...
I hate you...
I can't live without you...
I just can't take any more...
this life of solitude...
I pick myself off the floor...
and now i'm done with you...
Always...
Always...
Always...
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| Sunday, July 13th, 2003
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12:22 am
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This world is no longer mine...there is nothing here for me, there never was...
I can't breath...the pain i carry is too much to bear...the anger of being alone is no longer worth my breath..
Please let me die. I don't care anymore, I cannot live this way. I was born to suffer and I can't do it anymore. I cant eat I cant sleep. I can't think straight. I cant do this..i just cant do it.
Every night I come home to an empty world...no one there to hold me, no one there to hear me, no one there to smile back at me. I have lived my whole life hoping for happiness, hoping for the morphine to end my suffering. I can't stand to be alive anymore. I have detached myself from everything that has ever loved me...everything that has ever broken my heart.
I still love craig, but I have set myself up to lose him forever. He is gone and there is no turning back.
I could never allow myself to love shawn again...I could never give him the chance to kick me down again. I am already so weak, but I know what will kill me.
...and I can't let myself love chuck. I can't feel it. I have locked myself up from the world and I don't have the key anymore...I don't think time will heal this pain.
I miss being with craig. I miss the feeling I had when we were together. Maybe I have been wrong about love all along. Maybe I should just give up till my next life, and do it right next time. This is the end, I can feel it coming. I don't know where I am going. I am ready to break.
I HATE YOU ALL!!!
I have created life....it was my choice. I have failed to make work what I had promised in conception to do. I am a failure...these children will never forgive me, I have brought them into a world and took away their chance to be a family. So early, I took away their chance of happiness. God what have I done. Sorry is not enough...I must pay for the damage I have done. I must be punished, and my heart being broken over and over, my soul being ripped from my chest is not enough ...Not even in death will I pay the debt I have on their souls...Only in life and sufferance...will I be forever destined to watch my own children suffer for what I have done. My punishment has been drawn out...I cant stand to see myself this way...I cant stand to watch them dying inside. I cant stand feeling death within my own soul and body. I no longer deserve to be alive. I dont deserve to be a part of anyones life. I have been bad. I am a bad person.
I have hurt so many out of selfishness. I don't want to hurt anyone ever again, but I know I will never have that chance again. I know my being close to anyone ever again has been revoked.My curse is to be kept behind everyones wall...never let in...Never allowed in. Never again being able to allow another within my own soul.
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| Wednesday, June 25th, 2003
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11:13 pm
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(excerpt from written journal)
June 23rd 2003
Yesterday I had Cailyn and Alison's birthday party. I did fine till about 6pm, then I started thinking about how Shawn and I were initially going to meet this weekend for the very first time. I ran inside to get away for a few minutes and started crying. Then Liz came in and asked what was wrong...at first I hesitated to tell her. I didnt want her to know. She tells me she misses the happy me...the one she seen when Shawn and I were together. I told her I miss being that way too, but its not something I can pretend to be. She is afraid that even if Shawn and I do get back together that years down the road he will leave me for his ex again. Im not going to lie, the way she put it scares me...a lot. But she too has faith somewhat in the fact that he went out of his way to come up here and meet everyone.
I hate that my sadness is some big disappointment to everyone. I cannot see it from the outside looking in because I am the one they are all looking at. They are worried about how I will handle everything I am going through. I am the one shutting everyone out so I don't have to reveal what I am feeling. I don't want them to see me this way. In not expressing my emotion in front of them, I think I appear to be doing well. But in their knowing me...they already know I am not doing so good.
Craig and I went to the store mid party. We sat in the car a bit and he was wondering what was wrong with me. As usual I told him he wouldn't understand and he cut me off and told me to stop handing him that bull crap. So I let it all out, tears and all about how Shawn was supposed to be here and I felt so alone not having someone to sit beside and love. He said You could have had someone but you chose otherwise. So I cried some more and he said how it seemed to look bad that on a day of celebrating our daughters birthdays I'm running around crying about my ex....excuse me that 20 days later I am still hurting. He just can't be nice, he always has to make me feel bad. The kicker is he always says...I'm not trying to make you feel bad but... Well I guess he should not try a little harder. Then he proceeded to say, I am going to give you a little advice. "I was in love with a married woman once and it just doesnt work, He loves her more than you, granted he may love you, but he left you and what you had together for her kate. She will always come before you and you should walk away while you still can."
That hurt pretty bad. Maybe because it confused me so much. I don't know why he felt the need to give me that advice, but maybe he is the only one not afraid to say it.
The story has gotten so twisted that no one could possibly understand how deep the rabbit hole goes unless they have been there since day one. If they knew the love that once existed between Shawn and I...then they would have a confusing grasp on why I still hang on. Why he still loves and misses me, yet chooses to be with Rachel.
I guess he already knows what this feels like. When will my happy ending come? How will it be? Will I ever see it again? Will I die a lonely old broken hearted woman? Will I ever find someone that can complete me in one more way than Shawn could, by loving me more than anyone on this earth and never being able to leave me? Is my soul mate still out there searching?If he finds me will he be able to open my eyes? Or will they still be wide shut in the eclipse of Shawn's absense?
My god this is a viscious cycle indeed. I believe Shawn is my Soulmate, but he cannot see it. Just as I refuse to see anyone else but him filling that void. Will it end when "the other" refuses to give up on me, the one that has the strength as I once did and pulls me out of this darkness. I would not give up on Shawn had he had the reasoning inside of him to ask that of me. But I know I will find the strength to say, Please don't give up on me. I will know who I will have to say it to when the time comes. Even if it takes my last breath, I know if it is true, that will be all I will need to be able to say.
Shawn and I have always stated time will tell, and I think time is showing me that the odds are against him and I ever being together again. I think time is telling me, Cat, you know life is short...everyone knows this. You need to react to this knowledge, take the time to look at what has happened to you, use it to learn, use it to heal, and stop dwelling. Life and time wait for no one. Yet I sit and argue with them. I tell it there is nothing left out there for me, nothing is real anymore, nothing can be given to me to hold forever. Why should I care if life passes me by? I am not missing out on anything as far as I can see. Even with the little energy I have left, I just don't care if anyone understands me anymore. I have no more battles to fight, nothing left to fight for. I don't care to put forth the effort to tell someone my hopes and dreams. I don't care if anyone knows I have visions and see things from other dimensions. It just doesnt matter anymore. The only one that needs to know who and what I am, is me. I am the only one that really matters how much effort I put into.
Shawn wrote, "but if you find someone else, I will have to go away quietly, it would not be right for me to interfere" Is that a hint that he wants me to go away quietly? I don't know what it means really. I just know that my soul mate will refuse to walk away quietly from me. That he will fight for me....fight to open my eyes. He will know we are meant to be together and refuse to let anything keep us apart.
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10:30 pm
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(excerpts from my written journal)
Thursday, May 29th, 2003
2:17 am
Little things that had gone unnoticed, suddenly seem so new. Shawn asked if he and I could take a week to ourselves without contact to get our emotions and lives figured out. I know I don't need this, but I will be strong for him and do as he asks.
At midnight tonight, my world is about to brought to a sudden hault.
Like falling from a cliff for two weeks, feeling the adrenaline...feeling the rush, knowing that there is nothing you can possibly do to keep yourself from falling. You succumb to the inevitable. Then suddenly you reach the bottom and you are submerged into this cradle of water. The deprivation tank. All your senses are stolen from you, for they are still thriving in the memory of the fall. You lie there, unable to come up for air, left to struggle with the inability to breath. You hold onto your soul and your life flashes before you.
The memories come in flashes at first...so many important moments of your life revisited. Slowly your heart rate begins to slow and you find yourself reliving your memories in a glorified array of happiness...they are more intense now....your body stops struggling now. The water forms to every inch of your body like a glove...it gives you comfort like no other. Comfort in your memories...they Are real!
Then you come to a place in your time line where you remember where you were right before you took the fall...you see those eyes. The ones that have spent a lifetime looking for you...your heart stops...
You remember how complete you had become, what you had struggled for so long to find, how close you had become to reaching it...and suddenly you choose this love over the comfort of your memories.
For the first time you realize that this love is better than death.
You choose to breath.
You choose life.
So many years of hurt and neglect...forgotten.
So many hours a heartache and tears...pointless.
Next thing you know...you open your eyes to "those eyes" staring at you with tears welling inside them.
"I almost lost you"
He pulled your lifeless body from the water. He brought you back..knowing how close you were to losing it all...
For a moment you see your own soul in his eyes...
The water can no longer bring tranquility...
You have chose to live outside its comfort...
You choose to Love.
...................................................................
May 30th 2003
Your absence is an eclipse apon my soul.
The wind carries away my sorrows and returns to me your essence.
Whispering your name calms the silence of my days.
Every breath I release is a moment that brings me closer to your heart.
1:20am
...oh trusty journal. Can you believe the thoughts and words I have confided into your pages? You have been with me for a long time in some form or another. So many un-written pages. So many secrets woven into your binding.
Today I feel older...I'm not sure exactly how this came about, but I feel emotionally older. Perhaps my re-enforced emotional strength has made me not feel like a helpless, hurting, scared little girl anymore.
I have reached such a level of Soul, that I despise my absolute need to descend once more back to this world. I must touch back down and take care of some things that this world refuses to let me physically move on until I do. Once again I must make myself Human.
Where shall I begin? I guess I could start with my memories...before the awakening.
As a child...cringe...sigh..the first thing that comes to mind is the fighting. It seems so endless in my mind. Like a scary movie where the vision is blurry, but you can hear the yelling and crying. You immediately feel cold, vulnerable, and scared. I remember my mom and dad going out to a bar, me falling asleep safely in my bed under my sitter's care...then being abruptly awakened by yelling and the loud noises of my parents throwing things and tackling each other.
I would sit up in my bed...listening with tears streaming down my face in a silent cry...waiting for my mom to call for help as she always did.
Katie...HELP. Kate.
That was my cue...I would go running, still crying and start yelling at my dad to get off of her. See, I never seen my father actually hit my mom, but from my understanding, she would try to hit him and he would use force to restrain her. Even so, seeing my mom crying, yelling and helpless was never something I wanted to see.
Through it all, I never conformed and accepted things the way they were. I always knew something was wrong with what was going on.
How could a child of my age know this, but the two adults causing this, not?
Things are so simple through a child's eyes. The truth is, a child-like mind is a soulful mind. If we lived our lives with our ideas and ideals we had as children, well its hard to explain... I can still remember some of the simple thoughts I had as a child. I sometimes wonder to myself why I had ever strayed from them.
I remember thinking, If two people love each other so much to be together and have children, then why do they fight all the time? I mean, if you have love, what would you possibly have to argue about? Why can't you just be strong together and figure out a solution....together?
I guess that is where I started thinking and preparing for perfect love. I still believe that there never has to be an argument between two people who truly love each other. You know I see it all too clearly at the moment. I thought to myself, If my love said something to me that I didn't like, I wouldn't get upset and argue at all...in fact I would cry. I just remembered how I used to cry when Craig would say things I didn't like. Then he would come into the bedroom and hold me and apologize. Then we would talk through the problem. Then it got to the point that he would leave me crying alone in the room, no solace, no "talking". Only silence. Finally it got to the point where I stopped crying altogether. His words could no longer hurt me, only anger me. That is where it should have never ended up. He should have never stopped coming to me and comforting me. That is living without love anymore. That is something we did for a long time before I decided I couldn't live that way anymore and decided I wanted a divorce.
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| Monday, June 16th, 2003
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6:55 pm
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I have decided to copy some of my most written journal entries into this one.
June 7th 2003
Shawn broke up with me almost 48 hours to the minute. I have spent half my time crying and the other half writing an endless letter to him. I know i should have written sooner, but how can one find the words while opnes soul is so lost?
I have not spoken to god for four years. For the first time since, I turned to him in some sort of way. If it was not him I was speaking to, then I just may be insane. I begged him to stop this torture. I pleaded for him to tell me what I have done so wrong in life...I asked that he take me away from this place....yet again...nothing but silence and unanswered prayers.
Now my worst fear has come to pass...and yet I still exist...why?
I told Shawn when we first started talking...no sadness. For as long as I could, I shielded him from it. Keeping him happy made me happy. I no longer have that ability, I no longer have that happiness.
Throughout my life, I have always been able to stand up, dust myself off and move on....always believing the love I need is out there and never giving up hope. This time is different. I haven't the strength to stand from this fall. I havent the will to go anywhere other than into his arms. It is simply no longer my choice. Loving another is not an option. It just isnt possible.
The truth is...I don't know where I am going from here. I do not believe I am able to go anywhere.
When you drop something on the ground and you didn't see where it fell, you don't go searching for it miles away. You stay where you were standing and search for it where you were.
I lost my heart and soul right here, and this is where I shall stay until I find them again....or die trying.
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6:29 pm
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Daniel beddingfield------- 'if your not the one'
If you?re not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you?re not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all
I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We?ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
I don?t want to run away but I can?t take it, I don?t understand
If I?m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
If I don?t need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don?t need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you?re not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you?re not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?
I don?t know why you?re so far away
But I know that this much is true
We?ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you?re the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life
I don?t want to run away but I can?t take it, I don?t understand
If I?m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
?Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
?Cause I love you, whether it?s wrong or right
And though I can?t be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side
I don?t want to run away but I can?t take it, I don?t understand
If I?m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms
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| Saturday, June 14th, 2003
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1:11 am
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Tonight is Friday the 13th....a full moon.
Tonight I feel him more than ever. Perhaps it is my need to be with someone on this ironic night. The need to share this with my soul mate.
I dwell in the mystery of the night. The moon, she empowers me. Her memory gets me through the daylight. She has shared everything I have ever felt. Her and her alone.
There is no one else here with me as I cry in her shadows. No one here, holding me in her light. She has become my dismal comfort. She is there...and Has been there with me through it all. She will be there forever. No matter where I go...she is there. Even when you cannot see her, she is not very far.
A soul mate...like this moon. Out of reach for the most part...but always there lingering...waiting. Then that one...in their depth and determination, does not believe that reaching the moon is impossible...does not give up until they get to you.
Knowing it is there, feeling its presence. Seeing her on the clearest nights and in her brightest moments...like the dreams and emotions you are given throughout life...in your memory of "the one"
Except one thing is different....you Can go to the moon...you can touch it, you can love it...you can even bring parts of it back with you....but you cannot live there...in death...here in this life...you leave behind this moon....but the moon is just as bright in your life there after.
I feel this way with Shawn tonight, as I sit here alone, wishing he were here to share this moment...wishing I were speaking these words to him...I have no one to share this thought with. And even though I cannot see him, or touch him...I can still feel him. He is so wonderfully strong tonight.
Once you return from the moon, nothing looks the same....this World is no longer so big and misunderstood. Everything is in a different perspective now...but after you have touched it...you spend every lifetime wanting to go back to that place...
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| Thursday, June 12th, 2003
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11:15 pm
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Dear Shawn, June 2nd, 2003 Midnight
Before break up
It is raining outside, just another excuse to think about you...
I was thinking about how it was raining the night we last spent together. I was thinking about how perfect that night was. The rain...the music...the love! I miss you so much Baby.
I broke down today and just had to leave you a message on your cell. I can't believe you actually thought I could go a week without hearing your voice. I can live without a lot of things baby, but that just isnt one of them.
I have been thinking about you a lot these past few days. Wondering how you are doing, what you are doing, if you were thinking about me...
I cried so hard the morning you asked for our "break". But I am confident in my love for you, so you must do what you must do. I guess I just know you are right about this time being good for us. But I never want to do it again.
I wrote another cute analogy yesterday in referral to your quest. I am sure I will read it to you when you finally call me Thursday night...so if I haven't...ask me about it when you get this letter.
You know, the only thing that has inspired me to write so much in my journal before...was sadness. Now I have this amazing inspiration of love that keeps me writing for days on end. I guess if I ever lost you, I would be easily reminded of how I felt, and how happiness has existed in my life.
To this very day, I am in amazement...of many things really. I am amazed at how we found one another, amazed at how quickly we felt a new kind of love for one another, amazed at how many firsts I have felt and done with you. Amazed at the fact that you love me. Amazed at how you let me love you.
You let me love you in a way that I have always needed to love someone. I thank you for this.
After my marriage to Craig, I knew the only way I could ever truly be happy would be to be myself in every entirety. To find the one, that will love me for everything I am and everything I want to be , to find myself and never deny my needs again...
I was thinking about how you were worried that you may not be able to give me the attention I so desire. Think about this. When you are at work and your missing me...you call me just to tell me how much you are missing me. If I am sitting across the room from you and you want me to closer...you ask me to come to you...that is love baby...that is the attention that I need. I like to know I am missed or needed. But You really just have to feel it inside yourself...before you can give this to me. It is when you "don't" miss me or want me near to you, that the love is gone.
June 6th 2003
...the day after break up day
I guess now is a good time to finish this letter to you. I never started a letter to someone being with them and so in love, then end the same letter being broken up and still harboring an almost forbidden love for them. I guess this is another first I will have with you.
This will probably be the only letter you will ever receive from me, if in fact this is the eternal end of our relationship...in this lifetime anyhow.
You deserve to be happy and I won't take that away from you. I won't come between Rachel and yourself. You two deserve a fair second chance.
Yes...baby this does hurt, very much so. But I guess that is the hardest thing in remaining strong...I have to accept the things I cannot change, even if it kills me inside.
When I promised that I would love you forever...there were No conditions...do you understand me Baby?
I will Love you forever..
I know this.
Even if one day you no longer love me in return.
I still cry, although I try hard not to. There are songs that bring back all the emotions I have experienced with you, and nothing can replace that. I wonder how long this ache will be inside my chest. I was reading over my online journal today and an entry slapped me in the face. It was the one where I promised to love you as if it were our last day together. I am glad that I loved you this way. I thank you for every day you allowed me to love you.
I will never regret the time we spent together, the secrets we shared, the tears we cried. I will never forget the devestated sound in your voice when your train got cancelled. I will never forget the night my power went out, how scared I was, and how you had me close my eyes...and you came to me...you were there with me...
y heart stood still in your comfort. I will never forget the first time you told me "I love You". As I will never forget the last, if the day ever comes.
I will never forget the first time I cried on the phone with you in the sudden realization that you truly were "the one". The one that I had searched for my entire life.
I will never forget the way you touched me, and how I never wanted to stop touching you.
I will never forget the last night you were here with me, how I layed awake watching you, crying, and wondering if that would be the last night I ever spend with you...
The last chance to go home with you...
the last chance to watch you sleep...
the last chance to have you so close...
That night you were mine completely, as I was yours.
I will never forget your loving green eyes...
The eyes that I was not allowed to remember from lifetimes passed. Now I understand why. The eyes I could have spent a lifetime within.
Your kiss...how it always reminded me of how we were truly meant to be with one another. How your lips complimented mine. I have never felt that way before.
Lastly...I will never forget your soul....our souls.
How they so needed to be in posession of one another. How you allowed me to touch yours and trusted me with the delicacy of it. You were so close Baby...so close to losing your soul within mine. I can't believe how close we came this lifetime..
In a way, it seemed we were not supposed to meet that soon. We took things into our own hands and we controlled what we "wanted". We did not follow the path...we "ran" to eachother the very moment we knew of one anothers existence.
We closed out the rest of the world and ignored the true order of how things were going to happen. If it hadn't been for my getting in the way, you would have been with Rachel sooner...
But baby, had it not been for you, I would not have been awakened by you and given the strength to leave Craig.
I am out, but I cannot say my soul is free. Sometimes I wonder as I am sure you may....why 900 miles? Why now?
How would you and I be feeling right now in life had we never met? How would we have felt, had we not ever been married before? Had we not met, or known of one another, would we have ever met at all? Which brings me to part of the reason this is so hard for me baby...
How can you walk away so easily?
Now that you know I exist...
Is it possible that we have been wrong all along?
Do you think that maybe soul mates do not coincide?
That maybe you are My soul mate, my "one", but I am not yours?
Do you think that could be the cruel reality of things here on earth?
Do you think I will ever have the healing or strength to move on in the opposite direction of you?
I am physically sick with thought and confusion. Like a poet who has missed the pain, I could write a novel of questions that will spin me in circles for only a mere moment in this enormous real of time. I only hope when I stop spinning, I will see everything clearly once again.
Silly me thought I was numb to emotion...come to find out happiness and love simply make you oblivious to any hurt in life.
I used to think that even if it was only a brief interlude that I would spend with "the one", I would be fufilled to the end of this life just knowing I had found him. That he truly loved me the way I had always knew he would. I never thought it would be this way. I never knew you would walk away. I never knew a lot of things...till I knew you.
I never knew this letter would be so long...
But I guess I have an endless mind of things to say before I watch you walk away. I feel like I am leaving you cold and alone, but I have to realize you are not alone. I have to accept this...I am trying, but I can't help but feel that I am giving up on the thing that means the world to me. I feel I am being forced to close my eyes and not love you anymore...but I can't.
I am happy you will be with your boys. It warms my heart to think of how happy you must be right now, with them in your home. Maybe I was a fool for losing control of my heart...but could you blame me? I had an angel in my life...how could I say no to that? I should have left with you that day, but it seems time is not on my side either.
I can't help but despise the weekend of the 21st coming up. Liz, Rick, and I were planning on driving down to Louissiana to surprise you..now the surprise is on me. That was the first weekend you and I were originally going to meet. Remember that sweetheart? I was going to make this surprise weekend so special. Show up, knock on the door, and when you opened the door...I would hand you this single long stemmed white rose and say "Last chance".
Thinking about that still somehow makes me smile.
For some time, I thought that you were afraid that I didn't love you, or at least afraid that I didn't love you as much as I proclaimed. You seemed afraid that I would hurt you. Is that how you felt baby? Or were you just hoping you were right so you wouldn't have to feel hurt?
I pray for the strength to stand each day since you have left me. I force myself to smile...I force myself to breath.
Every time I forget....and smile...it is quickly taken away by the lingering thought of your absence.
I still know that I have to stop writing sometime, even if the thought of you never ends.
Maybe I should continue to write until I have a book and I will send you the first copy when it gets published. If you are laughing, I am not kidding. The thought has actually crossed my mind. I told you before, when I am not talking to you, I am talking about you, and when I am not talking about you, I am thinking about you to the point that I must start writing to get some of the thoughts out of my mind.
I don't want to feel this pain anymore...
Maybe one day I will be able to accept your gone. Maybe one day I will allow my love for you to be a memory in time...but not today...not for a long time if ever.
I am still not sure that I should send this to you. I don't want to say the things that you do not want or need to hear, but I don't want to hold bck or compromise on what my soul needs to reveal.
I don't want to give up on you, I don't want to let you slip away from me. I want to be strong and tell you I won't let you leave me...but I cannot!
Maybe I should send this to you in chapters, but I already told you this would be the only letter that I send to you. I will call my book...
"Dear Shawn"
Do you like it? :)
Some may wonder how a love letter could possibly go on forever...
I am wondering how it possibly couldn't!!!
Love always for many lifetimes to come,
Catherine
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10:22 pm
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*sigh*
Mariah Carey - Can't Let Go
There you are holding her hand
I am lost
Dying to understand
Didn't I cherish you right
Don't you know you were my life
Even though I try
I can't let go
Something in your eyes
Captured my soul
And every night I see you in
My dreams
You're all I know
I can't let go
Just cast aside
You don't even know I'm alive
You just walk on by
Don't care to see me cry
And here I am
Still holding on
I can't accept
My world is gone
No no
Even though I try
I can't let go
Something in your eyes
Captured my soul
And every night I see you in
My dreams
You're all I know
I can't let go
Oh
Do you even realize the sorrow
I have inside
Everyday of my life
Do you know the way it feels
When all you have just dies
I try and try to deny that I need you
But still you remain on my mind
Even though I try
I can't let go
Something in your eyes
Captured my soul
And every night I see you in
My dreams
You're all I know
I can't let go
No I just can't get you out of my mind
I never can say goodbye
'Cause every night
I see you in my dreams
Even though I try
I can't let go
Something in your eyes
Captured my soul
And every night I see you in
My dreams
You're all I know
I can't let go
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8:10 pm
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Did you ever listen to the radio and a song came on that practically floors you...
It is somewhat comforting to know that someone else on earth has felt the exact same way I do...it leaves you not so alone.
Mariah Carey
Against All Odds
How can I just let you walk away
Just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking
Every breath with you
You're the only one
Who really knew me at all
How can you just walk away from me
When all I can do is watch you leave
'Cause we've shared the laughter and the pain
And even shared the tears
You're the only one
Who really knew me at all
So take a look at me now
Oh there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
Take a look at me now
'Cause there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against all odds
And that's what I've got to face
I wish I could just make you turn around
Turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you
So many reasons why
You're the only one
Who really knew me at all
So take a look at me now
'Cause there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
Take a look at me now
'Cause there's just an empty space
But to wait for you is
All I can do
And that's what I've got to face
Take a good look at me now
'Cause l'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
That's the chance I've qot to take
Take a look at me now
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| Friday, June 6th, 2003
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12:44 pm
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During this week I found a song to help me understand him...
This one was so perfect by Linkin Park "Somewhere I belong"
(When this began)
I had nothing to say
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
And I let it all out to find
That I?m not the only person with these things in mind
(Inside of me)
But all that they can see the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I?ve got left to feel
(Nothing to lose)
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own
[Chorus]
I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I?ve felt so long
(Erase all the pain till it?s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I?m close to something real
I wanna find something I?ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong
And I?ve got nothing to say
I can?t believe I didn?t fall right down on my face
(I was confused)
Looking everywhere only to find
That it?s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
(So what am I)
What do I have but negativity
?Cause I can?t justify the way, everyone is looking at me
(Nothing to lose)
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own
[Repeat Chorus]
I will never know myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything till I break away from me
I will break away, I'll find myself today
[Repeat Chorus]
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I?m somewhere I belong
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I?m somewhere I belong
Somewhere I belong
ANd although I have been listening to this one a long time....there is a song that fits me very well now..funny what you find when you read the words...when you Feel them...
how can you see into my eyes
like open doors.
leading you down into my core
where i've become so numb.
without a soul
my spirit's sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home.
(wake me up.
wake me up inside.
i can't wake up.
wake me up inside.
save me.
call my name and save me from the dark.
wake me up.
bid my blood to run.
i can't wake up.
before i come undone.
save me.
save me from the nothing i've become.)
now that i know what i'm without
you can't just leave me.
breathe into me and make me real
bring me to life.
[chorus]
bring me to life.
i've been living a lie
there's nothing inside.
bring me to life.
frozen inside without your touch,
without your love, darling.
only you are the life among the dead.
all of this sight
i can't believe i couldn't see
kept in the dark
but you were there in front of me
i've been sleeping a 1000 years it seems.
i've got to open my eyes to everything.
without a thought
without a voice
without a soul
don't let me die here
there must be something wrong.
bring me to life.
[chorus]
bring me to life.
i've been living a lie
there's nothing inside.
bring me to life
*sigh*
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12:21 pm
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"Mah Baby (5/29/2003 10:44:11 AM): your soul fits mine and I know that but I am in such pain right now that I need to go within myself and find the way to heal it"
These were some of the last words he spoke to me before he went on his soul search...seems he got lost somewhere along the way.
I have to change my whole song playlist now, I look at it now and its so pathetic how many happy love songs are on there.
I can't stop these thoughts in my head and it is pushing me so close to the edge...words that if I dont write, they will be heard over and over inside my mind.
I can't help but think, that if 2 wonderful beings as shawn and I can't be together....god why...it was so complete...
I wonder why he is being punished as well...imprisoned in his own mind..and in his own heart. I wasn't strong enough to set him free. I have failed. I pray that I still have his soul...the one he left behind...with me...to care for until he returned from his soul vacation.
I will care for it until the end of time.
I wish I could talk to him right now...there is this unholy pain in my heart right now and I don't want to talk to anyone else but him...but I cant. No one will understand my soul..but him..
I look back into my written journal and realize how deeply I knew this would happen to me...yet I still remained by his side. As I always will. Maybe it is easy for everyone to say there are more fish in the sea...but like I said, they just don't understand.
He told me with Rachel, the puzzle was Almost complete...but there was always a peice missing...why do I still believe this? Why do I still believe every word he has ever spoken to me...How can I be dying on the inside with his absence...yet still continue to love him just as much as the day he left?
I don't want to be a fool....but wouldn't I be a fool to walk away from something I feel so strongly about...
He asked me if I were certain that we are soul mates.....my reply was...absolutely, with all my heart. I still do. I am almost ashamed to admit that. But I can't lie to myself. The soul tells no lies.
I can only hope that in our short time together...he will take the memory of me wherever he is at that point in time...almost a haunting of my love...and maybe one day he will realize how true and real I am. That no matter how hard he tries...he can't let me go.
It is such a sad reality, one that if it doesn't kill me, will only make me stonger.
It is not supposed to be this way...and fate does not exist.
Only he can choose his path...it just hurts so bad to see him wonder from ours...it hurts so damn bad....
If he could ever trust me and be real with me, I would pull our soul card right now. But I am no longer in control. He has shut me out...afraid. Afraid to love me? Afraid to let me love him?
He doesn't even know how wonderful he is, and I can't be there to remind him.
We will never grow old together,
Never have our daughter..the soul child.
Never live in the mountains together.
Never gaze into eachothers eyes again,
Never make our lips sore from kissing all night again
Never spend endless nights talking on the phone...just to hear eachother breath.
Never travel to europe together,
Ill never be able to touch his face...
Funny how quickly Always can be changed to Never in a blink of an eye.
ANd to know there was nothing I did wrong, only means that what and who I am isn't enough. The love that I offer....isnt enough.
I have never felt such an undying love like this...so quickly, so certain.
I know he was meant for me, and I for him. Nothing compares to what we could have had...nothing ever could.
But I cannot make it so...I cannot cage him up as rachel has.
He has to see for himself what has been set before him..
The one thing I believe about destiny...is you Do make your own decisions...just not always the best ones...doesn't mean it will be an unhappy ending..just not the Perfect ending.
I know I died of a broken heart...8 years after his death in our last life...
How long till I die of this broken heart...
I love you Always and forever Shawn...I promise.
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| Thursday, June 5th, 2003
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3:30 pm
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I guess there is a down side to trying to look up in life...you never see the worse coming. You give someone the benefit of the doubt, you ignore their past, a past that they have yet to walk away from, you look forward with them, then next thing you know you turn around and their gone. I know we all die alone in the end, thats just the way things are. Does it really matter what we have here on earth? Would a mortal know if they had a fallen angel in their life?
I have come to find that no matter how hard I try or how real I am, it is not enough....I am simply not enough. My words are mute in the echoed halls of ones past. My feelings are expendable and my tears...just another sad collection into the ocean of all the tears lost in vein.
I had my chance...now it is gone. My doorway to happiness opened right before me...I got to taste it...to touch it...to know it. I let it walk away believing in my heart and soul it would return to me. How cliche', if you love something let it go and if it returns to you it is yours forever...I hate the man that wrote that. Can't they see...nothing just comes to you. You have to make sacrifices..you have to know when the passage in fate has opened her arms to you. Why was I so blind.
Now that I have seen, I can never look away, and my heart is forever lost. Shattered and torn. Alone.
How can I ever learn to smile again. How can I teach myself to love? Knowing that the risk is no longer mine to take. How can I ever fall...if I am still lying on the floor?
How can I ever believe anothers words....with every word reminding me of him...saying those exact words..then walking away.
In a sad way, I know now how he feels. I guess if I couldn't understand him, he would have me join him...now I am here in the land of broken hearts as he moves on into better things.
The memories will be bittersweet. What would I have done differently had I known my heart would break? I am not sure anymore. Perhaps I was caught up in what he truly is...deep down...and hoped he would let me help him pull through the darkness.
How will I tell everyone...will they laugh at me? Will they let me be?
I should have known better. I still haven't figured out what my lesson is from this, but I am sure it will show itself soon. Never admit you love someone? Never show your inner feelings? Never love someone too much? Never give someone your soul?
I don't know anymore....everything was so clear...now its gone.
Now he is gone.
I was too ashamed to cry...until I could be alone.
Never cry in front of anyone, ever again.
It makes you vulnerable, they say things they don't mean, only to take away your pain.
God..please..if ever...help me now. Help me get through this...shield me from this pain, I don't ever want to feel this again. It is too much for my weakened heart to take.
Again, I wonder what I did wrong...funny how for a brief moment in my life I was convinced I had done something right in my life.
Will the morning light be as bright now?
Will the smile of strangers warm my lost soul?
Will the music mend my wounds?
Why have I been forsaken? Just tell me. This isn't funny anymore.
What did I do?
Breath...
I can't.
Nothing will ever compare to what I have found in him.
I shall hold my breath to the end of time...
Giving your soul to someone isn't reversable...
Things that were meant to be....sometimes just don't happen.
So we are born again...
Pain is only temporary...Love is forever.
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| Saturday, May 31st, 2003
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9:05 am
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OH, WHY YOU LOOK SO SAD?
TEARS ARE IN YOUR EYES
COME ON AND COME TO ME NOW
DON'T BE ASHAMED TO CRY
LET ME SEE YOU THROUGH
'CAUSE I'VE SEEN THE DARK SIDE TOO
WHEN THE NIGHT FALLS ON YOU
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
NOTHING YOU CONFESS
COULD MAKE ME LOVE YOU LESS
I'LL STAND BY YOU
I'LL STAND BY YOU
WON'T LET NOBODY HURT YOU
I'LL STAND BY YOU
SO IF YOU'RE MAD, GET MAD
DON'T HOLD IT ALL INSIDE
COME ON AND TALK TO ME NOW
HEY, WHAT YOU GOT TO HIDE?
I GET ANGRY TOO
WELL I'M A LOT LIKE YOU
WHEN YOU'RE STANDING AT THE CROSSROADS
AND DON'T KNOW WHICH PATH TO CHOOSE
LET ME COME ALONG
'CAUSE EVEN IF YOU'RE WRONG
I'LL STAND BY YOU
I'LL STAND BY YOU
WON'T LET NOBODY HURT YOU
I'LL STAND BY YOU
TAKE ME IN, INTO YOUR DARKEST HOUR
AND I'LL NEVER DESERT YOU
I'LL STAND BY YOU
AND WHEN...
WHEN THE NIGHT FALLS ON YOU, BABY
YOU'RE FEELING ALL ALONE
YOU WON'T BE ON YOUR OWN
I'LL STAND BY YOU
I'LL STAND BY YOU
WON'T LET NOBODY HURT YOU
I'LL STAND BY YOU
TAKE ME IN, INTO YOUR DARKEST HOUR
AND I'LL NEVER DESERT YOU
I'LL STAND BY YOU
I'LL STAND BY YOU
WON'T LET NOBODY HURT YOU
I'LL STAND BY YOU
WON'T LET NOBODY HURT YOU
I'LL STAND BY YOU
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| Thursday, May 29th, 2003
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2:17 am
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Little things that had gone unnoticed, suddenly seem so new
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| Wednesday, May 28th, 2003
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5:20 pm
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I cooked for him today..it wasnt the first time. It helps keep me alive with the thought of him. Pretending he is here...coming home soon. Imagining the face he gets when he tastes it. Imagining his enjoyment, keeps me happy. Knowing that my feeding him keeps him alive and well...with me. For one day longer at least.
Every day he loves me could be our last. I never want to end a day in doubt. I never want to fall asleep thinking, if i died tonight, would he know how much i love him? I want to live every day reminding him and building apon our emotions. I want to touch him every day as if it were the last touch he would ever feel.
People say love fades...you fall in and out of love. If I went with what the rest of the world had so far, I would be hopeless. Yet hope still rules under my moon...in my world. I remember what I had felt some lifetimes ago...and I refuse to forget it. I KNow...perfect love exists. I know it IS rare. I know that no one else can see it....even if it is right in front of them. That love is only understood between the lovers. If I could fathom an example...i would have to refer to romeo and juliet.
I am almost burdened by my honesty in this love. I remember thinking to myself, why cant i just find the one? The one that would let me love them and worship them. The one that would never turn away from my glance...the one that couldnt. The one that would accept my different views on love, life, and "reality". The one that has also ran from the blindness, as I have. The one who isn't afraid to let me love him. The one who is soulfully ready to ascend into our new spiritual existance together. The one that has been searching for me his whole life, as I have for him. The one that would complete me.
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