Monday, June 21st, 2004
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10:25 am
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well i tried to leave a post last night and it didnt work. It was very long and directed to a certain someone. Whicch means to me the world wants for me to talk to that person in other ways. Which i am nervous to about what i hvae to say. Nothing bad just questions. But for all who read which i know its few. This will be bye bye blurty.
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Sunday, June 20th, 2004
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6:39 pm - Singel Again
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So i saw it happing. But didnt want to accept the fact. Me and Jacob are no more. Which i am really okay. Ithink he and Natalie were scum bags. He shoulda called it off before hand. And she shouldnt have done it. And NOT made it a public affair where people know me. How smart. I really didnt have the time this summer. I had talk to caitlin about calling it off b4 summer stared and she convinced me not to. I was betrayed and that hurts. I lost respect for him. ANd all respect for her. I think me and him can become freinds as long as he wants to be.ANd hopefully she doesnt flip out. I hope the best for everyone. All i want in this trash of a world is everyone to be as happy as possible. And if they are happy im glad. And i know I will be happy. My life is as a person who takes happy pills nonstop.
Two upsides. Singel summer. (CIY NY) and Singel at the time i enter a new school
SO it isnt all bad
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Saturday, June 19th, 2004
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11:19 pm - Home sick
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I just got home. I was supose to stay another night in kanakee but we ddint have a game tomorrow and i just wanted to come home. Ive missed being home. It feels good to sit at my computer just chillin. I miss a certain somone very much and i hoe they call tonight. I also miss another certain somene turmendously and they are in a forgeing country so theres not to much i can do about that one. I want 2 weeks one with each of thsoe people and i think ill be okay. Only maybe not. Ive been depressed lately and i dont kno why really. Last night i got back to the hotel after the games and i curled up in bed and cried/slept. Summer is supose to be the best time of the year. I guess its been okay. But id ratehr go back to being in school. Is that horrible?
current mood:  depressed
current music: Valentine-Get Up kids.
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Wednesday, June 16th, 2004
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1:50 pm - I can not bare another you
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Jacob Robert Roth blew me off. You jackass. What a lovely thing to do.
Let me tell u im so fucking ecstactic at the moment.
Your good intentions count for little anymore
If your sorry way wait more
Im not fully convinced.
current mood: About every emotion possible.
current music: Working class boy dreaming of girls from far away points
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Tuesday, June 15th, 2004
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9:28 pm - Georgia mud fudge blizzards for dinner two nights in a row...yumm
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So today i was basically bored shitless. ANd im ratehr tired now. Softball was hard. There was only two of us and two coachs sowe both got personal coachs who try apart EVERY liittle thing you do. I realize its to make us better. ANd im willing to anything to get better. It was just a very hard and exhausting practice.Then my coach bought me ice cream and it was all better
***YAY FOR PRIVATE OPTION****
Why do i miss u more now that we are in summer? WHy cant i say what i want to say to you? Why cant i make this better and make it all just go away? Why cant u save me from this world? ANd why cant i stop asking myslef fucking questions i dont have the answer to?
And those are onnly the begining to my issues that will proceed to become a private entry. Sorry all but too much of me going public could be diastorious.
I need to get out of this house soon. It might end up in world war 3. No joke. All there is is yelling and my mom being a fucking annoying teenage girl. Whocant deal with anything. and never shuts up. Talking about things i could care less about. ANd when i try to tell her anything remotly important im not good enough to speak or some bullshit. and the sounds of there voice makes chills run down my spine.I cant seem to go anywhere to get away. And i am never good enough and i am way to lazy and i dont deserve to walk this planet.. Maybe she shoulda thought of that 16 years ago and it would bring alot less pain and difficulty in a lot of peoples lives. A weight lifted off this worlds shoulder. ME gone
current mood: depressed
current music: name-googoodolls
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11:35 am
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wow i have been really bizzy lately. Sorry i havent updated I have been in st louis and chicago and going to kanake on friday. I saw caitlin saturdaynight. It was last night before she left. Ive seen jake alot latelly. Without him coming to see me while grounded i dont think i woulda survived. Even though he set my hair on fire. Erin and i start behind the wheel tomorrow. Sorry boring. Bt ill try to uodate more often but i cant promise anything. Adios
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Sunday, June 6th, 2004
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2:16 pm - Cheap whore unless ur retarded
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I got home from St. Louis At approximately 1:30. I have slept so much for a softball weekend. But so little in reality. Im still exhausted. We did not win any of our games but they were all close and it was our first time playing as a team. We were going up against teams that are well into there seasion and we just started. Damn Misouriers. We got down there firday night and nothin exciting really happend. Staurday we played 3 games and were in teh sun from 8-6. I indeed got burnt on my shoulders. Then we went back to the hotel room. The person with the key to my room got los on the way back so i chilled in Shellys room. Then i showerd and we ate. Shelly and I watcehd Brucy almighy for awhile. Then i went back to my room where EVER other girl on the team was. Why my room i dont know. And so somehow i feel alseep at 10:30. They were so loud. Thanks to jacobs cd player they didnt seem as loud. That saved me. I got up for the second day in a row at 6 this morning.Played one game. And headed home. I had been excited about being here early. But amys sleeping caits with aron and jake left me for harry potter in Chicago.So now im just sitting here tired. Not wanting to sleep. And hot b.c my parents dont relaize we have an air conditioner!
current mood:  aggravated
current music: I talk to much.
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Friday, June 4th, 2004
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2:38 pm
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God why do people have a hard time letting me leave. ITS ONLY A WEEKEND. my mom hugged me for years and sufficated me and i still have and hour and a half before i leave. Im so glad ot be leaving some things. And some not so much so.
and has ____ had a thing with EVERYONE. I think so. I Have a firey passion against ____ and it gets worse eveytime i see, hear about, talk to this person. And ______ Is seriously the only person i feel this way about. I dislike them more then alicia. And ive tried a million times to make it work. AND ______II always favors _____ when ______II doesnt even know ______ very well and will still side with her over me eveytime. Somthings not right there.
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Thursday, June 3rd, 2004
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9:24 pm - Hmm
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I dont understand how one thing can bring me so much happiness and bring me on the verge of tear over practically nothing. Also i feel sick to my stomach. That could be the ice cream swing combination.Im not sure. Even though that was awhile ago. I dont like how much certain people get to me and how they affect me without even realizing it. I dont know what to do. I dont know what to even think.I should be over joyed, no more centennial one more final then summer and softball but right now i feel the worst i have in a long time. And When im with ciatlin and erina dn people its not like that its when im home on the phone or just thinking. I dont know what to do with myself. Maybe a weekend away from this all will do some good. (not so sure)I dont know anymore.
current mood: nauseated
current music: I miss u
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6:25 pm
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| Big Five Test Results | Extroversion (64%) moderately high which suggests you are talkative, optimistic, sociable and affectionate but possibly not very internally grounded.
Friendliness (58%) moderately high which suggests you are good natured, trusting, and helpful but possibly too agreeable
Orderliness (62%) moderately high which suggests you are organized, reliable, neat, and ambitious but possibly not very spontaneous and fun.
Emotional Stability (34%) moderately low which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and nervous.
Openmindedness (48%) medium which suggests you are moderately intellectual, curious, and imaginative.
| Take Free Big Five Personality Testpersonality tests by similarminds.com
So im excited summer is ONE final away. And then im DONE. and I get to see jacob tomorrow and play softball all weekend. I dont know what more i could ask for. Besides never having to go back to highschool ever. But next will most likely be fun. I get away form my arch nemisis. But there is no way i can get rid of them completly unless i get rid of someone else....and im not planning on that anytimes soon. And i will miss caitlin and eirn adn people. But its not like im going to a forgeing country!. Softball YAY
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Sunday, May 30th, 2004
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4:14 pm
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So this weekened was another up-down-up weekend. Friday=Awesome Saturday=not as much so b.c of my ehadache and me being grumpy Sunday=pretty darn good besides the fact jakes leaving me, i just cnt compete with Jake willard. But its getting hot again and my parenst need to turn my ac on and they need to decide about next year pronto. I need ot be studying but i dont want to be. Tomorrow i am going swim suite shoppin and shorts shoping. It will be fun. Only problem is a have a hickey that will be notice abole in a swim suite. THANKS ALOT! maybe ill go buy wood instead.
current mood:  curious
current music: Whose gunna save us?
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Sunday, May 23rd, 2004
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7:18 pm - You are going to Start what you finished!
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Where to start. Geesh um well lets do it the unconvertional way and start at the now and travel backwards. I just got home form hanging out with caitlin and pat an djake we went to the park in savoy and before that icecream and Sherik 2. It was pretty funny. The theatre got new seats (like the ones in Fl.) which are totally rad and you should go checkum out. The arms flip up and everything. Quiet comfy. Jake caitlin and i had already gone to lunch. Cait and i had stoped by his church to see what he was doing. Befroe that we went to our church. It was pretty good.
Enough of that.
Friday- rather uneventful. I had school and practice as anynormal day. But i was having to get up very very early for sball the next day so i didnt go out. I playing in a var baseball vs var. softball game for a while and then decided i was too hungry and tired. I went shopping too. Then came home and crached.
Saturday- Got up at 5:30 didnt got to bed till 1:30ish maybe. I got up went to school to find out we were only going to have 9 players for the three JV games. And long day short played 3 jv game and 1 varisty game and lost all by some kind of run rule. Rather embarssing and sadding and i just cant wait till summer ball. Then i got home showered and Went with caitlin on our roadtrip. Which ended up disatroious. Lets see. 1st missed our meger ended up going north 15 extra miles. Then missed another exit. Couldnt find The cournty roads we needed. Got lost in the game square for an hour. Got a call from pat saying they were leaving soon. Ended up in cook mills. Asked a guy how to get there. ANd finally got to sullivan 2 1/2 after we left. We got there in time to say hi to a few people and follow jake and the bwv people home. But ciatlin wasnt in condition to be driving so we tried to get pat to drive but by this time caitlin had her heart on dirving. Me and pat switched cars for the rest of the ride. Got back into town went to the rallay for life. Then went back to caitlins. Caitlin was ver unstabble saturday night it was craziness. but thats okay.It was a pretty good night either way. The ride home not so much. But nothing ever going to be perfect.
current mood:  calm
current music: What i wouldnt give to kiss you u one more time.
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Saturday, May 15th, 2004
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11:54 pm - We run away...........
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SO lats night was very not waht i expected adn very not that much collness. But it all got work at like normal and tonight was so awesome. top 10 things
1)Me and caitlin leaving teh shed wear one shweatshirt walking to Mcdonadls
2)the boys running after us yelling/catching up
3)*Top secret information* Classified for only caittlin elise b-ryam and Holly Chris Engel
4)Watching the guys leave the shed looking for us whikle we are there
5)CJ setting my hole shoe on fire basically then spraying me with frabreeze
6)my voice
6 1/2)them playing taking back sunday
7)Jakes parenst calling my out on some um hickeys.....and everyone one else who did
8)Caitlin stealing rachels pin back from pat
9)me and amanda talking girl talk infront of ajcob
10)Turn quick RUN!!!!
----im not sure if that list is quiet accorate but those were the things that came to mind in simliar order of what i sad earlier-----------
Other cool things were holding conversations with mike. Hes really nice. Having some dude on stage give me and flower (he gave bascially every girl one) I thought it was cool. Wearing "my" yelllow fire fighter hat. Having the house to my self for awhile. Getting told nemerous times by this dude that God hates gay people and then kissing caitlin or somthing of the sort right in his face. Take THAT. God i dont think word can really explan my and caitlins advernture .....words REALLY dont do it justic. You just had to be there. ALso being with jacob. ANd me not being a jerk and hanging out andtalking and such it was nie just being around hime\ and being carefree abd yah. We also had a very intersting conversation i kinda wish i would had said anything about and deffinately not yesterdat\y. But still i think im just young immature and dont have a freaking slue. Thats what i REALLY think. Ad everyone who is important knows about everything about this weekend basically and how saturdaynight was just kick ass.
I feel really cheesey about the jacob stuff......BLEH
current mood: .........to McDonalds
current music: Close my eyes just for tonight.
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Sunday, May 9th, 2004
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7:45 pm - i hate mothersday
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So ive decided i hate mothers day and or fatehrs day. All i ever do is sit around being bored b.c everyone else has family shit to do and my mom doesnt want to do anything. She would rather be alone. ANd like on motehrsday even the most disfucntional fmailies at least sit down and eat dinner. I had hot dogs. in a nother room. I cant remember a time were we sat town at a table and ate dinner. I dont think we every have.....ever.Like the only times ive had a sit down dinenr is when im at friends houses who do it.....which has rarely ever happend. 2-4 times. And the thing is me and mom have a good relationship we talk and everything. Like on fatehrs day i dont usually even see my dad but our relationship is a little more complex then the average fatehr daughter relationship. I dont know these days just suck so bad i could cry.
current mood: aggravated
current music: the freaking radio like im supose to kno
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12:05 am
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okay so its a plus and a minus..... Everytime i ahng out iwth him i seem to have a better time the the previous time even when we dont do anything and meghann shows up at the same park(which was so freakin histarical. ANd i almost thought it was impossible to have a better time thyen last weekend and tonight was just as good if not better, and it sucks b.c i never get to see him. It was a very good night. Tap->Ben in Jerrys->meghann n matt showing up->playing on playgrounds-> great conversatoin->driving around-> now chatting with caitlin.
current mood:  exhausted
current music: the starting line
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Saturday, May 8th, 2004
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12:41 am - Destiny or coincidense
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Friday, May 7th, 2004
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11:50 pm - Sparks fly i hit the ground running no doubt i gotta a lot of learinging
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So tonight was good i didnt think i would be hanging out iwth erin but i did. We went to her churcha dn we wetn around the building taking picture which are freakin awesome. I like it hwen just me and her hang out. PLus i really missed that building we had a few adventures. We went up to the stapel again and found stroage things and i step were there was florr adn lost my shoe in water and she had to resque it. I thought the people were gunna shot me for the way i dressed tonight. I had my action people shirt shorts black belt to the side yellow head band and black pink and yellow braclets and my pink retro sunglases....the only "bad" part was the shorts and she didnt even get in toruble for wearing hers. I dont kno i thought i looked cute tonight not to be conceded i was actually really sad jake didnt get to see me. Hopefully some of the pictures will turn out good enough to show him. After the church thingie we went to baskin robins and met zach natalie and the krones.Erin and i got ice cream. I had a very yummy banana royale. And then i went to sonci and got a bacon egg adn cheese toaster which was also yummy. Natalie did some acrobotic moves trying to puch the button and flipped over the front seat and ended up in a few questionable possitions it was hilarious. She imperssed the hole night with her hppage. We wentr to centennial park after that and she even climbed the play ground and went up the hill. She had assistance on the way down but thats it. Me and zach raced and id have to say we are even. i thought hed snmoke me b.c he told me he's fast for guys and yah im fats for a girl but not guys. after that me and erin and zach went driving. and then ended up chillin in the back of his van it was relaxing . Oh yeah i was in a very dancing mood all night and so erin would join in and randomly throughout the night we danceed. ALso when we were at her church we played with little kids it was so fun they were so cute. I love litttle kids like that. I hate to admit it but ever since i was in 3rd grade my mom told me i would become a k-5 teacehr adn as a grow older the more and mroe i think shes right. And thats one way to discourage some people to marry me..... and not to scrae anyone b.c thats not even a thought in my head at this age but i know certain people only wanna marry rich girls adn live off them.....freaks. Anyways im tired and i have to get up at lets say 7 and then go get on a bus dirve go play two games and thne get on teh bus and drvie home. Thank god for portibale cd players Thats the only way i would be able to make it to decator and back. expescailly on thosemost comfortable yellow busses. Let me tell u. I wish i would have seen a few pepole i didnt tonight but the people i did see were pretty fun. and u cant alwyas hang out iwth the same 3 people. That would get boring. Gotta spice it up. And its always nice to hang out with people you dont alwyas do kinda refershing. This has been a lot of gumbled thoughts b.c im two tired to sort out my night and make me seem half way inteligent and my typing is prolly worse then normal. At leats i nknwo what imena. and questions feel free to ask b.c imj not going to proof it.I hope u enjoyed translateing this peuce of shit of an entry that i cant seem to quite writeing. Oh yeha i found out erin ahd kept secretes from me and she promised NO more and she better not. or ill beat her up with my shoes again.
current mood: ..........and hyper
current music: West bond leave the motor running------you kno that one
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1:18 pm
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Ya im at school. And the good part is im doing nothing but internet and chillin with erica the bad part is its school and ive had 2 test and one more just today and if we count all of them from this week well i dont want to reminess on horrid parts of my week so im not going to count
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Thursday, May 6th, 2004
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8:44 pm - week
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So i have been doing very well. My grades need some assisstance but when dont they. The show last night was fun the only people i really saw was BWV. Besides that me and jake were outside with differnet people at differnet times. It was agood night.Today i had a double header and we lost both. Im excited for the weekend....if anyone has ideas for somthing for me and ajek to do on saturday lend a helping hand b.c i guess i have to decide......eep.
current mood: tired
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Friday, April 30th, 2004
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11:51 pm - You wake up You go down and then somthing in between day by day.
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Okay so the past couple days couldnt have been any better. Starting with last night----- me and caitlin had a girls night. Long over due i might add. We went and saw Connie and Carla which i found highly amusing. Patty melt. Thats so great. Then we went to steak n shake...my treat (technically my fathers but who need technicalities these days)My stomach hurt really bad after the movie its weird b.c its not a normal ache its starnge and its done this befroe a couple of time.....i think its when i get soooo hungry and my body cant find anymore fat cells so my stomah eats itself. I wanna gain weight dangit. Im gunna go get me a fat shot. then we came back her goofed off watch mulan. and went to bed. We woke up and goofed off and then finally made it into the showers. The guys came over and caitlin happend to not be fully clothed as jake walked up and we were outside. WHOOPS. Its just like have a bathing suit top on. Really whats the big deal.Then we watched the rest of mulan. After that we went to china town buffet.....actually me and jake did.... Pat and caitlin went to leisure time and played with lizzards...maybe they were camelions. After that we came back to my house. Pat and caitlin watched pearl harbor while me and jake came up stairs and got oniline. It was a a very good start to my day. Then i went to practice. Nothing spectacular ....we did get to play stuck in the mudd which was a hella fun time. After that i went to dinner with my familie. Then came home and got my self pretified while dancing around the upsatirs. Jake picked me up and we took good ole sparky on a walk at prairie play and then went on the trail with him. It was sooo nice to just be me with him. NOt all extra tired or bickering just good ole NUTTY me. even though the bottom of my pants got wet and i was wearing flipflops....ew....We spotted 3 stars and a ring around the moon. We both made wishes on the first star we saw that night. Even through jake blew his and then tried to redeam himself. Im not quiet sure u can change ur wishes but maybe. And for all of you who dont know what i am talking about....when u see the first star u resite::::::first star i see tonight i wish i may i wish i might have this wish i wish tonight. :::::: And ur not supose to tell ANYONE the wish. Otherwise it wont come true. BUt u can make up another wish you want to happen just not the one u wished for and tell them that one. That doesnt hurt anything. ;-) We prolly went a good 2 mile walk. Then we went and got ferris buelers day off. Which i still havent seen all of. We watched it with the rents. and i began falling alseep so we left. We went by our usual spot. And by this time it was raining. I made him get out of the car. And we made out in the rain. ith Very Sappy music in the backround. I dont usualy talk about my makeouts but this is somthing i have always wanted to do and it happend. This HOLE day has been surreal expsically tonight. It was prolly one of the best night is a really long time and one of the simplest. I havent felt like myself in a really long time. I forgt how good it is to be yourslef and have a stellar time. Ive missed it more then i relized and i dont want to lose site of it for that long again. Expesscailly since when im me i dont flip out and i dont fight and i am not mean. I hated being that person. I dont know knocked back to being the true me. Maybe it was for once i just stop trying to tell myeslf somthing i knew wasnt true. and just listen to myself instead of listening to what i wanted or didnt want to hear or awknolegde was what i believed or thought. Being ture to myslef no matter how much i didnt want it to be true. Life tends to be bitter sweet.
current mood:  dorky
current music: early novemebr ----ever so sweet
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