green eyes like july's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]
green eyes like july

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[27 Aug 2004|04:40pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]
[ music | the desaparecidos- greater omaha ]

the video music awards are going to be absolutely amazing. im in a little area right behind the "runway" that the people go down to accept their awards. we're allowed to put our hands up and if the celebrities want they can reach their hands out and touch us. oh and also! when i look to my right and reach my hand out i could touch lenny kravitz, ashlee simpson, jet, and jimmy fallon. i was flipping out, i am such a teenybopper when it comes to certain things. the MTV people said that the seats could be moved so not to get our hopes up. im really excited with where we are placed. . i wouldnt want to be in the middle doing all the stuff. id rather stand off to the side and just dance. its also cool cause everyone is grouped into groups of like 100-200 and then we are a group of 20 so when they show everyone on tv we will stick out.

i doubt anyone who has this link still reads this, but if you do. . look for me on tv! haha.

ive been gettin this awful headaches lately. i think its the new medication im taking. blah.

everything with rusty is going well, he is a great boyfriend. . im very lucky.


sing me to sleep.

long time no write. [21 Aug 2004|01:03pm]
[ mood | tired ]
[ music | counting crows- round here ]

marissa reminded me of this journal about a week ago. i figured i'd update for the hell of it. maybe i'll even start updating it more. so where do i begin? things are okay i guess. . all my friends are pretty much gone. lexi-UF, scott- FSU, neal + erica- UCF, melissa- SCAD. went to projekt revolution tour, but left after the used because my friends were being obnoxious drunks. still dont have a job, the hollywood video thing didnt work out quite well. i start this babysitting thing on monday and i'll be doing that every monday+wednesday from 11-4. not that bad. if i get a real job soon, i'll finally be getting away from my dad in january. uh, what else... oh, i'm dating this kid named rusty. . things are decent i guess, kind of tough seeing as how drew lives in florida now. still dealing with that shit, of course. i guess the only exciting thing is im going to the MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS. yupyupyup. so, everyone should look for me on tv a week from tomorrow (sunday).

thats all for now.

sing me to sleep.

heres to the tears you knew youd cry [20 Oct 2003|05:26pm]
ive given up on everything.

i havent been to school since last tuesday, and im not going tomorrow either.

im through with looking for a job.

im not going to college.

hell, i probably wont even graduate.

take me back to the day where we sat on your car, and your lips met mine.
sing me to sleep.

i need to vent [06 Oct 2003|02:33pm]
[ mood | crying ]
[ music | black eyed peas ]

well.. this weekend has been.. one of the worst weekends of my life.

got screwed over by the people that mean the most to me. lost their trust.. lost everything.

it's hot as hell here...and i have to wear pants to cover up the scars from cutting myself.

i told myself this year would be different when infact ive made myself turn into someone that ive never wanted to become.

drew got a girlfriend and failed to tell me... so nice of him.

i need help..and i dont know where to go.

sing me to sleep.

im crying day and night now.. what is wrong with me [30 Sep 2003|03:10pm]
i keep cutting myself.


thank god no one reads this anymore.
sing me to sleep.

[02 Sep 2003|07:51pm]
[ music | my chemical romance ]

for anyone who knows about him, and always asks me.. this is drew


sing me to sleep.

demolition lovers [30 Aug 2003|04:58pm]
[ mood | gloomy ]
[ music | my chemical romance- demolition lovers ]

and after all the things we put each other through
i would drive on to the end with you
a liquor store or two to keeps the gas tank full
and i feel like theres nothing left to do
but prove myself to you and we'll keep it running
but this time, i mean it
ill let you know just how much you mean to me
as snow falls on desert sky
until the end of everything
im trying, im trying
to let you know how much you mean to me
as days fade and nights grow
and we grow cold

my chemical romance

mars -> i miss youuuu. im sorry. =(. please call me

sing me to sleep.

this weekend [29 Aug 2003|10:37pm]
[ mood | weird ]
[ music | my chemical romance- vampires will never hurt you ]

- pool at jj mugs
- free art shows at las olas w/ ashley, dan, + alli.
- johnny depp movie marathon @ my house. all are welcome.
- having my own golf cart.. for 4 hours. uh oh.

so thats what i have to look forward to.


- brian was right. hahaha
- my chemical romance is my new favorite band
- brian is coming to see me [dec 27-jan 3]
- im going to disney world
- your profile makes me laugh harder than anything else.
- bling.bling

1 mixtapes - sing me to sleep.

typical highschool drama [26 Aug 2003|11:06pm]
[ mood | tired ]
[ music | dashboard ]

today was not needed. tomorrow, we will start over and pretend like it never happened.

sing me to sleep.

"dont blink, everyones watching" [24 Aug 2003|04:54pm]
[ mood | bitchy ]
[ music | dashboard ]

im in a pretty bad mood right now. i had to go to this party for my mom's friends little baby, it was really lame and i told my mom i had to get work done at the house.. so after being there for 30-45mins she just brought me back home. my last load of laundry is in the dryer, and i've just been hanging out and blasting the new dashboard cd. kayleigh picked me up and we went to check our homerooms. i have room # 921, along with brandon reich + davy granados..thats all i noticed, but im sore theres some other people in there with me too. im kinda pissed off because josh has been acting weird lately. ever since karen talked to him about what she was feeling.. he has just kinda been acting weird towards me. i guess he kinda realized what karen was telling him and he doesnt know what to do about me.. so he just backs away. i dont know, maybe it's for the best.. i was thinking about calling him to tell him maybe we should stop talking, but then i realized that school starts tomorrow and with school, homework, and work im barely going to have time to breathe. so what i guess im saying is that maybe our friendship wont get any closer because i wont have time to talk to him. i dont even know what to do.

hoobastank is tonight, and im not the least bit excited. everytime i go to a show i always take money to get a band shirt, im always really pumped up and i always listen to the band's CD before the show. today i havent even put in the cd, im not taking money for the shirt and im definitely not pumped up. i dont know what it is. i was so excited for this show.. i mean c'mon hoobastank and on the last night of summer. whats wrong with me?

so tomorrow starts it all, first day of senior year. stephanie said she is gonna come get me around 6:45, and she doesnt have her decal yet so we have to park in the park and walk to the school which i dont really have a problem yet, except i was damn excited to park in the senior parking lot on the first day of senior year, and then walking through the big courtyard and having all the freshman looking at us. heh, whatever, i guess its not a big deal.

dave called me today, which was a huge surprise.. he was all "hey ash, today wouldve been our two year anniversary" and i was like yeah..and he goes "wow we've known each other for over two years".. i just kinda went heh. god i should've went off on him. i woulda been like yeah, it wouldve been two years except you fucking cheated on me and then begged for me to take u back, so i did, and then you moved away and didnt call or email so i had no fucking way of getting a hold of you. damn guys piss me off.

ive still thinking about drew, and when i do i just start to cry. i feel so pathetic, all the time. its the worst feeling ever. the worst part is, all my friends are so sick of hearing about him.. that i just keep it inside. i dont have anyone to talk about it. if i did talk to them about it, what would they say to me? just stuff i dont wanna hear.. such as he wasnt worth it, or he was an asshole.

im really in the mood to go to a show at office depot center, i love that place. last show i saw there was new found glory/good charlotte/mxpx/hot rod circuit, and it was so fucking awesome.

eh anyways, gotta go fold more laundry and then get ready for the hoobastank show.

1 mixtapes - sing me to sleep.

dont look back, you can never look back [22 Aug 2003|10:23pm]
[ mood | sick ]
[ music | rufus king- just what i need ]

today i was in a really weird mood. first off, i woke up with a killer sore throat so my mom scheduled me a doctors appt for 2:20. i just kind of hung around and watched tv and helped my brother finish up packing. then i realized that i never picked up the form from my guidance counselor which was the whole point of going there yesterday. i guess we kind of got to talking and i completely forgot about it. so my mom took me there before the doctor and i got the form. i waited over and hour before i actually saw the doctor, and then of course it only took 5 minutes for her to tell me what was wrong. she said i had a bad sinus infection. she prescribed me some drugs and then i went home. while at home i just hung out, got on the computer, watched a little tele and text messaged some people. im telling you josh + karen are the coolest people. they always make me happy, well not always, but usually.. unless im really really upset, but even if im that upset they at least try to cheer me up. scott called me around 5 and asked if i wanted to go see Freddy vs. Jason and of course i jumped at the opportunity because i've been wanting to see it for awhile now. he picked me up around 7:30 and then we went and picked up his friend josh. i had met him before at one of the local shows here, but hadnt seen him since so it was very cool to see him. so we got to the theater and little did i know that josh isnt 17.. so we couldnt get him into the movie, so he met up with some other friends and saw Grind. i felt bad for him, that movie just looked plain bad. scott and i saw freddy vs. jason along with some very annoying people who set next to me and behind us, uhg.. i can't stand people who talking during movies. anyway... the movie was okay i guess, wasnt scary at all.. and i love scary movies so i was hoping to scream a little, but nope.. no scream.. not even any jumping. i saw the preview again for texas chainsaw massacre. oh man i want to see that movie so bad. i cant wait till it comes out. oh, i found out today that i have 3rd + 7th hour with mitch which is awesome because that kid can always make me laugh. he is so awesome. im in my brothers room and its weird seeing it practically empty. this time i dont really miss him, i think i've gotten used to him leaving every school year. i know i'll see him soon enough. school starts in 3 days, damn im excited.

sing me to sleep.

on my own [21 Aug 2003|08:11pm]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | the used- on my own ]

so i woke up this morning and went to get bloodwork. my counts came back later tonight, and they are really messed up. my creatin count went from 1.0 to 1.4- they told me i may need to go into the hospital and have some test's person said its because im fighting off a cold, another said that has nothing to do with it. i dont understand why people here cant tell me what is wrong with me. school is just around the corner and i dont want to spend the first few weeks in the hospital. god, i am so empty inside.. i wish someone would call me and ask me to hang out. its times like these where i just want to kill myself.

"and now it seems that i have found...nothing at all. i wanna hear your voice out loud. slow it down, slow it down. without it all, i'm choking on nothing it's clear in my head, and IM SCREAMING FOR SOMETHING. knowing nothing is better than knowing at all"

sing me to sleep.

a decent day [20 Aug 2003|09:42pm]
[ mood | tired ]
[ music | jason mraz- you and i both (live) ]

today was okay i guess. i didnt go to sleep last night till close to 5, and my brother woke me up around 1. we were supposed to get up at 10 and go to the beach, but it rained all day yet again so the beach was a no go. we ended up leaving the house around 2:30. we went and picked up my glasses, which i am so glad to have back. then headed over to msd so i could talk to my guidance counselor about making sure my schedule is set for my senior year. she was really cute, she said that she thought of me while in delaware over the summer and she said i looked great and rested. i just kinda smiled and laughed to myself. anyways.. she said the computers were down and she couldnt fix my schedule so i have to go back tomorrow. after our little chat i met my brother back at the car and we went to the movie theater where we met brian + lori and we saw 'S.W.A.T'. it was really good, minus LL COOL J. i really cant stand that man, as an actor.. musician.. he is just plain bad. after the movie i came home and left with my mommy to go get my hair done. i re-dyed it (dark brown) and cut it (very short) and got the cool razor edges, which i tried to explain to josh and he just goes "uh, okay." heh, he didnt really know what i was talking about. after getting my hair done i came home and ate dinner. i text messaged mars + josh a few times, eh you know.. the usual.

tomorrow= bloodwork, the beach (hopefully), and helping my brother pack because he leaves friday morning.

sing me to sleep.

[20 Aug 2003|03:53am]
[ mood | tired ]
[ music | the used- #8 on the cd ]

so its almost 4, and once again i can't sleep. at around 2 my phone went off and i looked over and it said "incoming call from drew (cell)". i got so excited, i picked it up and said "hello" probably 3 times within 5 seconds, but no one was there.. then the phone went dead. i called him back, and it rang and rang and then someone said hello, but it sounded like and elderly man. i just sat there... i heard the voice again go "hello". i realized it wasn't drew because i know his voice so i just hung up. today was a decent day i guess. some good things happened, but right now the negative is out weighing the positive so when i go to make a journal entry i just want to type everything out that is negative. that's with this journal is for. the other one is my happy go lucky journal.. where the only people who read it are the people who think that.. "i can break, and take it with a smile." i talked to josh tonight.. karen was there watching a movie with his brother and his brother's girlfriend. i didnt quite understand why he would talk to me when his girlfriend is there. i told him to go watch the movie, but he said he felt like messing around with his new cell phone. sometimes i feel like karen thinks im trying to steal josh away from her. i know its probably all in my head, especially when karen is one of the sweetest girl's i've ever talked to in my life. its weird though, he tells her everything and i mean everything. i mentioned the fact that she was pretty and that i would have sex with her, which if you know me.. you know i say that about everyone i think is really pretty, and he went and told her. now maybe it's me, but that makes things really awkward between karen and i. he also told her that i like him. which, im not gonna lie.. he is a great guy, and at one point i really did like him probably more than i should have... but right now its starting to fade away.. especially since everything with drew just fell apart.. i definitely dont want to have any kind of feelings for anyone.. near to me.. or far from me. i just dont want her thinking bad things about me.. im a really great person and sometimes people cant look past the stupid immature things that i do to see the real me. karen, i know last night that i gave you the link to this last night.. i dont know if you saved it, but if you did.. and your reading this.. please let me know what you think is going on between josh and i, if anything at all. i think its better if we talk about it i just dont have the balls to bring it up since we just started talking.

some days i wake up feeling happy, thinking this is the day that i will start over. i will no longer let people get to me, i wont be thinking of drew every minute of the day.. i wont let my family bring me down.. this is the day where everything will turn out the way i want it to turn out. not even halfway into the day something will happen to make my feelings have a drastic change in the direction i was hoping for them to go in. now i know not everything is going to be perfect and how i want it to be, but for once.. i just dont want to have to deal with everything that is on my mind. in a way i think school starting on monday will be a great thing. with school brings homework, and lots of it, especially my senior year.. with homework brings managing my time... and with work + school i dont think i will have time to do anything, especially think...which is a good thing for me. less thinking will mean less on my mind ie: drew, my parents, so called "friends", and whatever else flows through my head.

i can't always think of the bad things. so, here is a great thing that happened to me. i woke up this morning and checked my e-mail and karen had made me a new journal icon of johnny depp from pirates of the caribbean, which was awesome.. because she remembered that i loved johnny + pirates. later on that night anna had just left my house at around 9:45ish, and not 10 seconds later my doorbell rings. i go to open it, and in walk ashley, allison, dan + tj. ashley jumped on me and everyone else just kind of stood in the backround laughing. she had come to pick up her wallet + cd she had left here from spending the night on sunday. dan saw my camera laying on the coffee table and decided we would use up the rest of the film by taking pictures on my couch, and so we did. within 5 minutes they were in and out of my house and a smile was brought to my face. see, no one realizes that it only takes the little things to cheer me up. an icon.. and a 5 minute visit from 4 friends that well.. arent even close to me. oh, and not only did karen make me an icon, but she also took the time out to burn me the live jason mraz CD and paid to have it sent to me here in florida, i mean.. that really means something to me.. not that many people would do that for someone they just met. and my mars<3 who always sends me text messages to make sure im feeling better..thank you so much mars.

well i guess this is enough rambling for tonight, it's almost 4:30 and i need sleep.

sing me to sleep.

[19 Aug 2003|03:52pm]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | OAR ]

Desperately waiting on something that's more than nothing.
I've been here forever waiting just to see your hands.
If you hear me cry, It's just something I'm always doing.
Desperately waiting this wait, I hope it'll be over soon.

-dead poetic-

sing me to sleep.

meet me in the sky [18 Aug 2003|05:18pm]
[ mood | crushed ]
[ music | average genius- meet you in the sky ]

this is going to be one of those long rambling entries. the only reason im doing it on this journal is because i know no one reads it anymore and i can get my feelings out.

while ashley was in the shower i signed online and drew was on. i IMd him and asked him if we were still talking and he said that he needed to do some soul searching. soul searching at 19 eh? yeah right. i asked him if i should just leave him alone forever or if we were going to talk after his soul searching was over and he said i should leave him alone forever and no we arent going to be talking after his soul searching is over. at that point i just wanted to go off on him.. start screaming, well typing i guess.. so i started to.. i starting saying how he was a liar and everything that ever went on between us was one big fucking joke because you arent supposed to hurt people you love. then i kept pressing backspace because i thought about it, and i kinda figured.. well where is that going to get me if i just yell and act immature.. but then i thought, oh fuck it.. he hurt me.. at least i can tell him how i feel. so once again my fingers type immature and stupid words that are running through my head. once i typed everything out i went to pressed ctrl + enter to send the message.. and it said "elquien is not currently signed on" so.. yeah.. didnt get to tell him what i wanted to tell him. so now he's gone, and out of my life forever.. and i am left here feeling so empty. i know it'll pass eventually.. and i know i have people that are behind me 100% to show they care, but i dont really want it.. i dont want everyone telling me it'll be okay, or he's not worth anything that he put me through. they might be right, he may not be worth it, but right now in my heart i think that he was. so many people look at me and see this pathetic girl who does this to herself over and over again.. and i dont even care. maybe someday i'll learn.. infact maybe it was today and it just hasnt really hit me yet. i feel like crying my eyes out, but i cant.. nothing will come out. i guess im just gonna end this entry.. im so tired.. i just want to fade away for a couple of days.

sing me to sleep.

[15 Aug 2003|06:02pm]
[ mood | sad/lonely/depressed.. ]
[ music | dashboard ]

meggan- its been 6 long months without you in my life, i want you to know that i think about you everyday, and that everyone down here misses you more than you will ever know. joey wrote a song for you and he played it a jj mugs earlier today. we hope you liked it. did you notice dan added a little bass into it? just how you like it. god sweetie i miss you so much.. i really hope you know that. i wish you were here meg. i could really use you right now.

9/27/85 - 2/15/03

i love you so much.

sing me to sleep.

be my breath so i can walk [13 Aug 2003|03:55pm]
[ mood | lonely ]
[ music | matchbox twenty ]

shouldnt be so complicated. just hold me again.

sing me to sleep.

quotes, with an update mixed in.. or maybe an update with quotes mixed in.. [08 Aug 2003|03:52pm]
[ mood | blah ]
[ music | dashboard ]

im worried about matt.

i miss andrew.

happy 18th birthday sean.

happy 20th birthday mark.

"where was my head.. where was my heart, now i cry alone in the dark"

"its hard to believe that i would let myself get so wrapped into you"

"we need a connection, but you seem to push me far away from you...from you...from you.. the harder i push the farther i fall"

im downloading the pirates of the caribbean theme song, while wearing my pirate shorts.


"...but you dont want to sing along."

sing me to sleep.

[07 Aug 2003|02:16am]
[ mood | worried/tired ]
[ music | the used ]

it feels really good now that you're out of my life. i'll admitt it, i miss you, a lot.. but you made absolutely no effort to keep this friendship going, which hurt me more than you will ever know.

on another note.. my friend matt recently went to the doctor and his doctor told him that he may have a serious heart problem. i was trying to talk to him about it, but he got really upset and signed offline. i dont even know any details, but just "heart problem" is enough to make me worry. please cross your fingers for him. ahh i must think happy thoughts now.

oh, applied at blockbuster again today. hopefully something will happen this time since im 17 now.

took all my loose change to CoinStar in Albertson's, added $37 more bucks in my pocket, i now have $70 which is good because i started out today with %60, but bought a new lamp for my room + some picture frames, so thank god for loose change.

finished cleaning out/rearranging my room. looks fantasic.

oh oh, did a crap load of my on-line class. certain people would be very proud of me.

alright i guess thats it.

i think i may delete this journal soon.

...and just like that she's gone

2 mixtapes - sing me to sleep.

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