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music |
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the used- #8 on the cd |
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so its almost 4, and once again i can't sleep. at around 2 my phone went off and i looked over and it said "incoming call from drew (cell)". i got so excited, i picked it up and said "hello" probably 3 times within 5 seconds, but no one was there.. then the phone went dead. i called him back, and it rang and rang and then someone said hello, but it sounded like and elderly man. i just sat there... i heard the voice again go "hello". i realized it wasn't drew because i know his voice so i just hung up. today was a decent day i guess. some good things happened, but right now the negative is out weighing the positive so when i go to make a journal entry i just want to type everything out that is negative. that's with this journal is for. the other one is my happy go lucky journal.. where the only people who read it are the people who think that.. "i can break, and take it with a smile." i talked to josh tonight.. karen was there watching a movie with his brother and his brother's girlfriend. i didnt quite understand why he would talk to me when his girlfriend is there. i told him to go watch the movie, but he said he felt like messing around with his new cell phone. sometimes i feel like karen thinks im trying to steal josh away from her. i know its probably all in my head, especially when karen is one of the sweetest girl's i've ever talked to in my life. its weird though, he tells her everything and i mean everything. i mentioned the fact that she was pretty and that i would have sex with her, which if you know me.. you know i say that about everyone i think is really pretty, and he went and told her. now maybe it's me, but that makes things really awkward between karen and i. he also told her that i like him. which, im not gonna lie.. he is a great guy, and at one point i really did like him probably more than i should have... but right now its starting to fade away.. especially since everything with drew just fell apart.. i definitely dont want to have any kind of feelings for anyone.. near to me.. or far from me. i just dont want her thinking bad things about me.. im a really great person and sometimes people cant look past the stupid immature things that i do to see the real me. karen, i know last night that i gave you the link to this last night.. i dont know if you saved it, but if you did.. and your reading this.. please let me know what you think is going on between josh and i, if anything at all. i think its better if we talk about it i just dont have the balls to bring it up since we just started talking.
some days i wake up feeling happy, thinking this is the day that i will start over. i will no longer let people get to me, i wont be thinking of drew every minute of the day.. i wont let my family bring me down.. this is the day where everything will turn out the way i want it to turn out. not even halfway into the day something will happen to make my feelings have a drastic change in the direction i was hoping for them to go in. now i know not everything is going to be perfect and how i want it to be, but for once.. i just dont want to have to deal with everything that is on my mind. in a way i think school starting on monday will be a great thing. with school brings homework, and lots of it, especially my senior year.. with homework brings managing my time... and with work + school i dont think i will have time to do anything, especially think...which is a good thing for me. less thinking will mean less on my mind ie: drew, my parents, so called "friends", and whatever else flows through my head.
i can't always think of the bad things. so, here is a great thing that happened to me. i woke up this morning and checked my e-mail and karen had made me a new journal icon of johnny depp from pirates of the caribbean, which was awesome.. because she remembered that i loved johnny + pirates. later on that night anna had just left my house at around 9:45ish, and not 10 seconds later my doorbell rings. i go to open it, and in walk ashley, allison, dan + tj. ashley jumped on me and everyone else just kind of stood in the backround laughing. she had come to pick up her wallet + cd she had left here from spending the night on sunday. dan saw my camera laying on the coffee table and decided we would use up the rest of the film by taking pictures on my couch, and so we did. within 5 minutes they were in and out of my house and a smile was brought to my face. see, no one realizes that it only takes the little things to cheer me up. an icon.. and a 5 minute visit from 4 friends that well.. arent even close to me. oh, and not only did karen make me an icon, but she also took the time out to burn me the live jason mraz CD and paid to have it sent to me here in florida, i mean.. that really means something to me.. not that many people would do that for someone they just met. and my mars<3 who always sends me text messages to make sure im feeling better..thank you so much mars.
well i guess this is enough rambling for tonight, it's almost 4:30 and i need sleep.
goodnight.
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gloomy
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