sarah prewoznik's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar] sarah prewoznik [ website | strange creation ] [ userinfo | blurty userinfo ] [ calendar | blurty calendar ]

goodbye, goodnight [20 Mar 2004|08:31pm] [ mood | blah ] [ music | i will survive- cake ] this week... this week. this week has been really... bad? yeah. bad. and my mom's throwing dishes around in the kitchen... *cringes* oh well. my sister's been here this week. but that wasn't the bad part. in fact, i probably wouldn't have been able to get through it without her to come home to. she went home today. this morning, we sat around and watched waynes world, then i went into the back yard to tend to the green blooms. then i helped her pack and she left. i kind of don't like the idea of having an online journal anymore. i mean, i don't want people i know knowing everything about my life. not that i write everything, but i do write a hell of a lot. i'll probably stop writing after today. anyway, i should probably go. somewhere. anywhere but here. i'm sensing some hostility from my parents and i don't want to be here when they explode... 2 comments|post comment

heidi, queen of the mountain [13 Mar 2004|09:12pm] [ mood | sleepy ] [ music | the sound of an old movie with johnny depp in it that i don't know the name of ] last night, we didn't go to the movies as i thought we would. we ordered pizza (a rare thing in our house) and just as soon as i was finished eating, jennifer walked in the door. i went to sleep at eight o'clock, because i was exhausted. this morning, i woke up to paper bag by fiona apple at eight o'clock. my alarm clock is so cool. anyway, when i woke up, i thought it was a sunday and i was like 'oh, good, i have about three hours to get ready for church', then i was like 'no, wait, we're going hiking today'. and i was quite right. so i went down, devoured a pancake, and clomped back upstairs. then i played rotk on PS2 for a bit and got dressed in my heartogram tanktop and a pair of jeans. after a bit of waiting, drooling, snoring, and being rushed, we finally set off for amicalola falls. it was a two hour drive. when we got there, we started hiking up a trail. it's a pretty easy trail. we didn't have to register or sign any waivers or anything beforehand. we were to the lodge before we knew it. as soon as we stepped in, we were in this big room with a group of people standing around a man with a tiny owl on his arm. you know pigwidgeon? yeah, that's exactly what he looked like. as we passed by the group of people, a gleam of golden hair caught my eye. i thought of claudia from the vamp. chronicles when i saw the pair of dazzling blue eyes that went with it. but he was a guy. i guess he saw me looking. he looked back too, and didn't look away. i smiled and kept walking. of course, i'm going too into detail about something that means nothing again, but you'd have to seem him to see what i meant. he looked like an elf boy. i'm serious. we went into the big dining hall-ish restaurant thing and ate. i had a piece of fish and some pasta salad, then apple crisp for dessert. when his family came in and sat at the table behind ours, it was so funny. my mom's eyes got big and she was like 'oh, look at that little boy! his hair is so pretty!'. i raised my eyebrows in a way that suggested immediate silence, then hissed 'gah! mom! shutup!'. she giggled and started talking about going over there and being like 'i have a daughter that likes you...' or whatever, and i kicked her under the table. i hate it when she's like that. before we left, she heard him talk and heard that he was not a little boy, to my satisfaction. i mean, come on. he was taller than me and his voice was really low. there was no way he could be a 'little boy'. so we left without another obnoxious word from her, and started down the trail we hard come up on. then we crossed an overlook to a trail we had NOT gone on, which involved stairs. not normal, wooden, solid stairs. no, of course not. they were metal stairs with tiny bars that overlapped, with gaping holes the size of a square inch in between, so when you looked down (which you had to in order to keep your footing), you could see the ground far below you. that freaked the crap out of me, and my legs were shaking violently the whole way down. especially the part that went over the falls, and, even when you looked straight ahead, you could see the huge gleam of white below you of the frothy, violent, churning, man-eating waters which was amicalola falls. but i lived. obviously. on the way back from amicalola, we stopped at dahlonega, where i bought a necklace (i only had one) and some peppermint crunches. we drove back, exhausted, singing. well, jennifer and i were singing. anyway, now i'm done. with the day. it's gone. *sigh* my limbs are sore. but that's okay. it means i've had a good workout. and, to help the pain tomorrow, my sister and i will take an early-morning walk. then go to church. oh, church. i have to tell you about that. my mom's going to teach sunday school at the 11:00 service, and jennifer and i will go to the service, where i hope to see louis. anyway, there's a lotr documentary on tv and i wouldn't want to miss that. so goodnight. i'll write tomorrow. hopefully. 3 comments|post comment

grey rainbow [12 Mar 2004|06:54pm] [ mood | peaceful ] [ music | the offspring- the kids aren't alright ] most of today was bland/miserable. at lunch, kirstie and alex had decided to move up next to tiffany and me. i guess they were feeling excluded, but, honestly, the reason we moved away in the first place was that we kind of... well... don't like them. more like we don't like alex. more like i hate alex. and i really don't understand kirstie. i mean, she's got suck a lack of passion. i couldn't possibly imagine her in love or crying or too angry for words. so, anyway, they moved up, and you have to understand this. every day since we moved away from kirstie and alex, we've been sitting next to scott and joel and kouta. and, everyday, they told us to go back where we belonged. of course, i would rather lick the bottom of their shoes. so i've been feeling really bad about disturbing their peace. and kirstie and alex just sort of squished us all so there wasn't enough room for scott AND me. so i was about to sit down and kouta was like 'NOOO! SCOTT SITS THERE!' so i got up and sat at the end of the table, away from everyone. like i've said, i was already miserable. so i just wanted to be left alone. so i opened interview with a vampire and soon found myself absorbed totally. then kirstie was like 'why have you excluded yourself from the table, sarah?' in her somewhat-annoying-sensible-nonpassionate voice. i shrugged and went back to reading as she moved closer to me. i didn't acknowledge the gesture at all (i'm kind of an ass when i'm in a bad mood), and then this girl i don't know comes and sits across from me, staring past me at the table behind my head. then she asks me to move next to kirstie, so i slide over. i was in a state of 'argh, whatever, i don't care, fuck everything', so i didn't really care. wow, i'm really showing you the bitchy side of me, aren't i? anyway, that was lunch. english sort of brightened up for me. it always does, though i usually find myself dreading it, though i don't know why. i guess it's just sort of the blandness of the beginning. anyway, we had a test (i studied the period before in math after my test when i was supposed to be doing my homework, but we had a substitute, so she didn't really notice). but i did pretty well. that's saying a lot though, because it's memorizing 20 words in about twenty minutes. i memorize three at a time. anyway, yeah. i did pretty well. i got the logic bonus. and for the quotation bonus (where it says a quote and you write in the person who said it) i wrote 'freddy mercury' for the hell of it. i never know who it is anyway. then the hoss let us listen to 'dazed and confused' by led zepplin, saying that it was the themesong of our class. i had heard it before, of course, but not for a while. and benton was all like 'this sounds like queen' and i was like 'it does not! it sounds nothing like queen!'. you have to understand that i was obsessed with queen for about three years. and i still like them. not to mention i know everything about them and have all their cds. next period, reading, i finished the test and got out my book. i got so into it that i couldn't control the tears flooding my tears. suprisingly, no one saw me. which is a good thing. afterwards, i don't know why, but everything seemed so colorful and happy. i found myself laughing at small things i picked up on and thought funny. of course, it got some wierd stares, but i didn't mind. why should i? i never do. geography was okay. stefan, chris and i worked on the study guide together, splitting the questions up into groups of 6,6, and 7. the 7 for me, of course. but i chose the easier ones. i would rather run slowly and enjoyably than quickly and painfully. but that's just me. i went on a bike ride when i got home. i went to a place i've been before once, but never really bothered to visit again. it's really pretty out there though. the dogwoods are covered with a soft, sweet snow-white blanket, and their perfume fills the air. it was great. then i got home... and went on the internet. one pleasure to the next. yes, that makes up for.. what was i going to say? oh! jennifer's coming over from college tonight! her visits are always unexpected but appreciated. i don't know when she'll leave. i can't wait until sunday. i might see louis there. oh! i haven't told you about louis. well, the other night, we were out of food (as usual), so my mom sent me to kroger for some coke and wendy's for dinner for myself (she had chili. blech.). and so, i was walking through kroger (i couldn't find the sodas; they rearranged everything). michael should've been there. he's there every week night from seven to nine. i would tell you how i found out, but that's a story for another time. so, i was wandering through kroger in vain, when i saw this guy with long blonde hair. (as i've said before, you know how i am about long hair) and then i saw this other guy from my church with long black hair. it's odd, though. you can't look at him with one glance. at first you look at him and you're think 'wow, he's different, but in a good way, i think', and then you step back and look at him again and you're like 'whoa. he's amazing'. anyway, i should probably go into further detail. he has a somewhat feminine face. i didn't really catch how tall he is, but he's taller than me. he has dark eyes (i think), and he sort of glides wherever he goes. to me, he looks kind of like a vampire. kind of like an elf (tolkien elf, that is. not santy-clause elf). so anyway, i finally found the soda and i picked a diet caffiene free coke bottle off the shelf and carried it to the u-scan. as i was approaching it, though, i saw the blonde guy and the black-haired guy come together to pay for their things. i was suprised. it was like 'wow, so all long-haired guys really do know eachother'. gah, i must be sounding so shallow right now. anyway... i payed for my bottle of coke, and i was collecting my change, when i turned around. i don't even remember why i turned. maybe i felt someone standing behind me. what i saw was the guy with black hair standing close behind me. i didn't know how long he had been standing their. it seemed like he'd been waiting for me. he winked. i turned around toward the machine, smiled with realization, and turned back to face him. i must have been blushing something terrible. and i had that smile on my face. then i think he may have walked away. or maybe i did. i dont know, i just remember walking out of kroger with the grocery bag in my hand, trying to discreetly cover my face so that no one would see the beet-red in it, or the huge smile. i mean, it's not that big of a deal, i know, but it's never really happened before. i mean, think about it. have you ever wandered into a grocery store, seen two amazing people, and one of them winked at you? anyway, they both looked to be upperclassmen in highschool, so that's definitely never happened before. and i've definitely seen him at church before. and he's seen me. i always sensed a sort of connection in our glances, but i never thought it that bold. gah, what is it with me and people i don't know? well, i guess that, if i don't know them, they can't hate me. so i came up with a name for him, from the vampire chronicles. i named him louis, because, to me, he's a dazzling vampire with a conscience. anyway, i have to go now. my sister may be here soon and we're going to the movies and my parents have to look it up on the internet. so goodnight. i'll probably tell you about tonight tomorrow. ta. post comment

you got me in a spin, but 'everyfin' is a-okay [09 Mar 2004|05:45pm] [ mood | indifferent ] [ music | close your eyes- jump little children ] today went by quickly. i fell asleep in geography, watching a movie. thank god there wasn't a quiz. she only gives us quizzes when we aren't paying attention. or rather, when we're making noise or throwing balled up notes. i think that the reason we were all quiet was that we were all asleep. anyway, i'm getting ahead of myself. that was seventh period. patience now, i'm backing up to first. okay, first period was really stupid. i don't like making a fool out of myself by attempting basketball (i really like it, but i suck at it), and, so, basically, the only other things the coaches give us to do are four square and jump roping. both of which are... not my thing. i mean, i can do them alright, but i'm still holding onto what little pride i have left. so i basically sit with my back against the wall and watch my friends doing it... pretending that i'll join in at any time. argh, i got ahead of myself again. okay, the warm-up jog before choices. that's when things got screwed up. caryn was like 'why do you keep cutting corners?'. because i didn't want to get run over. but i felt stupid saying that, so i said 'i don't know'. and she was like 'oh, i know why. it's because you're afraid of burning a calorie'. i glared at her and called her a bitch and not to call me fat. she rolled her eyes and ran off. the rest of the period, she kept reminding me how stupid my socks looked. i had purple toe socks that rose a little higher than my converse. i thought they had character, but, apparently, i was the only one who thought that. she was seriously being a jerk though. she tripped nasha twice and rammed her in the back, then told her it was me. by the end, though, she was all smiling and frolicking (sp) like usual, and i stared at the floor and imagined killing her. i know it sounds stupid that i was angry, but that's typical caryn. i mean, she can be really rude sometimes. and i guess i'm kind of sensitive, because i have a hard time shaking it off. and it's hard, you know? i'm probably the only one over 110 lbs. out of all my friends. they're all really thin and have perfect faces and perfect clothes and perfect hair. and that's what's been troubling me lately. i don't feel like i have any sort of connection with them anymore. they don't know what it feels like to be the fat one. the ugly one. the one with dandruff and acne and thick fingers and huge feet and ruddy hair that can't decide whether it wants to be blonde or brown, so just goes the color of a cat's hairball. gah! just thinking about my friends makes me sad, angry, lonely, anxious. aren't friends supposed to be there to help you? no, not really. i've never had them to comfort me, but at least i had them to comfort. now who do i have? i have tiffany. tiffany and i are balanced. she tells me things and i tell her things. we actually laugh together. about everything. i may be suffering, but it's comforting just to be suffering with her. and she understands when i'm not exactly like her. she doesn't point and laugh at my differences like caryn. so i have one friend. and i have myself. that's fine. i've gone on worse. anyway, i'd better get offline before my mom gets on. i may be back. ta. 1 comment|post comment

[08 Mar 2004|05:24pm] [ mood | tired ] [ music | paper bag- fiona apple ] last night, i took twenty dollars to books-a-million and bought the vampire chronicles volume 1: interview with the vampire, the vampire lestat, and the queen of the damned. i am so not going to get any AR in for next semester, but, hey, i have a few weeks before the semester is through. and i have all my points for this 9 weeks. but anyway, i stayed up all night last night reading interview with the vampire. but the chronicles is a huge book, so it only looks like a couple of pages when you look at it from the outside. but sooo much has happened. i love this book. i request it to everyone. mmm i want to eat it all at once, but i know i can't, or i'll be angry with myself in the end. anyway, the whole reason i bought the chronicles in the first place is because there are a few vamps on BD who've talked about it. and one bit me yesterday, so now i'm fascinated with vampires and i had to buy the books. so i ran to the library, but they were closed, and i ran to omega, but they were closed, so i ran to BAM and bought the series (all in one paper back book) for twenty dollars. it's so worth it though. i don't even know of any cd that could make me so happy. i'm even putting off the silmarillion for it. and that's lotr. AND it's AR. but i couldn't help it. mmmm. anyway. i'll stop obsessing. i'm sorry. anyway, school was okay. i sort of wandered through it in a daze. anyway, i'm off. *grunt* food. post comment

[07 Mar 2004|01:55am] [ mood | high ] i woke this morning at 9:00. i got dressed into a black short sleeved shirt and some jeans, ate some cereal, and headed for KD's house down the street. i stayed there until 2:30, cleaning, and received a check for $20. then i cleaned my bedroom and my bathroom and took a shower. i called caryn and told her i was on my way to pick her up. i got sixty dollars: twenty that my mom owed me, twenty of my own, and the twenty i earned that morning. caryn and i went to hot topic. she saw this black dress and she was like 'my parents would kill me if i bought that'. so, naturally, she bought it. she had $95, so she still had money to buy dane's present. actually, i don't even remember what she got dane. but i got him a matching watch and neckalace. they were on sale for forty dollars. so i bought them and a black tank top with a red heartogram on the front. caryn and i went back to my house, changed, and tagged our hot topic bags with 'from sarah' and 'from the beautiful one (caryn)'. the latter written by the said caryn. i wore a pair of jeans (my tightest... heheh) and the tank top i bought. caryn wore her dress and a pair of netted hose (sp). when we got to the dane's house, we saw a group of people standing in front. there were evan, nathan, dane (of course), ryan, matt (i met him for the first time tonight. i don't think he goes to my school), and this other guy whose name i forgot... who doesn't go to my school. or at least, i don't think. later, kiana and a few more people got there. stephen didn't get there until an hour after it started. but the party was great. people were throwing up, sniffing soda pills (i tried one. it tasted nasty... i'm not sure if i was supposed to eat it.), playing ps2, hugging eachother, talking, hitting eachother, hitting on eachother, throwing m&ms, running, crying, laughing... it was a mess. but a good mess. i liked it. it was so funny. ryan picked up caryn in a huge gorilla hug and spun her around. i like ryan. he's like a big, tough teddy bear. but i don't like getting attention from him that way, because he acts that way toward everyone. i like watching it, though. i like being a bitch to ryan to see how far he'll go, but all in good fun. i'm pretty sure he dared adam (OH! adam. that's who i forgot to mention...) to slap my ass. i saw him wave his hand in the motion, but he didn't do it. thank god. i saw him go over to ryan later and ryan was like 'did you do it?' and he was like 'sort of' and he was like 'do it again'. so i acted oblivious again while he stood behind me. it was pretty degrading, but not something i have to put up with very often, so i didn't really care that much. and the guy whose name i forgot came up to me and was like 'is anyone named sarah here?' and i was like 'i am' and he said that stephen was scared of me and that, when he asked him if he was coming, he was like 'i don't know, sarah's going to be there'. it just makes me wonder. i mean, what have i ever done to scare stephen? sure, the prospect of going out with me may have given him nightmares, but asking him out isn't such a horrible thing, is it? maybe i should just block off all my feelings toward everyone. then no one will have to carry the burden of my stupid emotions. apparently, caryn's feeling the same way. she thinks russell's being a jerk. well, maybe he's being a little insensitive of the way she feels, but he's been really understanding this whole time, and i think he deserves a little more credit than what he's recieving. of course, i can't blame caryn for being angry with him, because everything hurts when the person you're in love with doesn't love you back. so i don't blame anyone. i don't even blame stephen. i just don't understand. i wish i could just cut myself off from everyone else so no one would have to deal with me anymore. then everyone would be happy. except for me, of course, but my fuel would be the fact that the people i love were happy. *sigh* oh well. i met this person who agrees with me about everything. it's refreshing, because usually people disagree with me about everything. we see eye to eye. i haven't had that with a lot of people. anyway, i'd better go to sleep. wouldn't want to frustrate the already angry parents with late-night tap tapping on the keyboard. wow, it's already 2am. time flies. post comment

tasteful people [06 Mar 2004|02:13am] [ mood | quixotic ] [ music | cherub rock- smashing pumpkins ] today was a pretty normal day. the school part was pretty good too. just tiring. i fell asleep in reading, but we were reading. so no one noticed. i kind of hid my face behind my book so i could close my eyes, and the next thing i knew, everyone was leaving the class. when i got home, i got ready for my guitar lesson. and went. and came back and ate dinner. after dinner, i went to sleep at 7 o'clock. and now i'm awake again. it's 2:12 am. my sleep schedule is going to be so screwed after this. the hell with it. my sleep schedule is already screwed. my mom said that she had told my neighbor down the street that i would clean her house in the morning, but i have to clean out house too. so i've got to wake up at six oclock in the morning to clean our house and then go there at ten and come back at twelve and call caryn and get ready to go to the mall, then pick up caryn at 1:30 and go to hot topic to get dane's birthday present and be back by five thirty, so i can get ready for dane's party which is at seven. then i'll get back at ten and probably get on BD. great. now that you know what i'm doing tomorrow, i probably don't even have to post tomorrow. ha! what luck. actually, i probably will anyway, because nothing ever goes as i th ink it will and i'm always wrong about everything. haha. i'm on BD right now. btu i'm not talking because on of the ops told me to start making sense. but i couldn't so i just completely shutup and he said thanks. so now i have to not talk. therefore no one else is talking. because i'm the muse of the chat and everyone bases their conversations around what i say. SO HA! you can't shut me up without shutting EVERYONE up. actually, that's probably what he wants anyways. *sigh* there's just no winning, is there? and no, not really everyone bases their conversations around what i say. just the stupidity of what i say. but still. *sigh* i'm kind of tired. post comment

mysteries of the deep [04 Mar 2004|06:44pm] [ mood | content ] [ music | a kind of magic- queen ] i've decided that i'm not completely ugly. and i'm going to stop chewing on my fingers. and i'm going to buy the all the albums with songs that i downloaded on them. it's my, eh, new day resolution. dane's party is going to be on saturday. caryn and i are going to go to hot topic to get him a gift. two gifts, actually. heheh, that would be kind of cheap... but evan, becky, caryn, kiana, stephen, ryan, adam, and a few other people are going to be there. i was kind of suprised when he invited me. i was even more suprised when he invited caryn and kiana. oh, and i didn't even think he was friends with becky. but that shows what i know. i've been waking up in the middle of the night a lot lately. and when i do, i'm always covered with cold sweat and gasping. i'm sure it happens all the time. i just wonder why. but who can explain what happens when you're asleep? oh well. i'm going to go. post comment

[03 Mar 2004|08:09pm] [ mood | calm ] [ music | what you wish for- guster ] this morning, i woke up at 5:30 and finished my english homework, then took a shower and packed some extra clothes and some money (to buy some junk for lunch) for the chorus trip today. oh, and i changed into my dress, which is this black dress with a low neck and the part that goes over your chest is all lacy and beady. but it's not tacky... it's actually pretty nice for a chorus dress. anyway, we went to festival, which is basically somewhere in coweta county or something like that where chorus teachers get to show off their students. so we boarded the bus. the ride there was like every other chorus trip in the history of the universe. we sang random songs loudly and hoarsely. it was great. when we got there, we went straight to this huge room where other students were singing. i think the first school we saw was w.d. roberts, which had mostly girls, but a few guys: all with red polo shirts with their name on the upper right corner and black pants. anyway, as i was watching them sing, i was really bored, so natasha and i were counting the number of lights, cieling tiles, and, eventually, guys in the chorus. well, i saw this guy with long hair. and you know how i am about long hair... so i pointed him out to natasha. well, we kind of... eh... discreetly... stared at him. of course, discreet (sp) for natasha and me is like black for michael jackson. so he kind of saw us, because his school was sitting right next to ours. so, when we went to the bus to get our things for lunch, i grabbed a pen and tore off a piece of paper from an essay contest sheet stuck in my purse, and wrote my full name and phone number on it. when natasha and i went to the concession table to get our lunch (bag of peanut m&ms, bag of chips, grape soda), i saw this guy with the red polo shirt on. i tapped on his shoulder, and, when he turned around, i asked him if he knew a guy with long hair and a studded wrist-bracelet. he was like 'yeah', and so i was like 'could you give this to him?' and i pressed the scrap of paper into his hand. he agreed, and natasha and i left the scene to join everyone who was eating lunch in the parking lot. smart, huh? so i told caryn what i had done, and she laughed and squealed and said she was gonig to go talk to him. i was like 'whatever'. so she left, and, when she came back, she said she couldn't find him, but i knew that she had (he kind of sticks out), but she had just chickened out. so when we were all done eating, we went back to the front of the building near the concession stand and the wd roberts people. we saw that the guy (we found out his name, joseph, from the guy who had given him the slip of paper) had a jacket on with some patches on it: the bam margera sign and the ramones were all i saw. well, we went back in and watched more people until our asses started falling asleep, and finally, we went into one of the rooms to warm up for the performance. the tension was kind of building inside me, and the first note i sang was hoarse and off-key, but i settled back into my usual voice. we sang our warm-ups and the two songs we were gonig to present twice. i found that my voice was working well today and i could reach all the high and low notes smoothly. after about ten minutes, we went into the large room and nervously climbed the steps to the stage. our footsteps on the bleachers seemed so much louder than they had been for the other classes. i saw joe in the audience, but forced my eyes on mrs green through the songs. we did beautifully, in my opinion. my voice was loud, as usual, and i could hear myself over everyone else. i hope no one else noticed. after our performance was over, we walked quasi-military-like off the bleachers. i saw joe watching me, and i locked eyes with him as we walked off the stage. so he knows it was me. for some reason, i felt my lip trembling as if i were going to cry. but i wasn't sad at all. i guess i was just nervous. but the point is that he probably knows it was me. that i'm sarah prewoznik. but he probably threw my phone number away. i would be stupid to think he was going to call me, but that's not really what i meant to happen. i did it to shock natasha and caryn and to show them that i'm a do-er, not a say-er. but it would still be very awesome if he did call. i mean, i have no idea what i would say... anyway, so we walked straight to the sight-singing room. caryn and i sat down next to eachother as they played the key. we opened our books to page ten and practiced for five minutes. then they played our pitches again on the piano. i don't know what happened after that. it was great in the beginning... for, like, the first note. then all of the altos (with me included) lost our places and moved our lips silently. the sopranos did horribly, but the tenors/basses did well. and we didn't do anything at all. haha. so, we went outside and waited to board the buses for home. which we did. it was a hot, sticky ride back home. moreso for me, as i was PMSing. gah. we got back in 6th period. the rest of my day was normal. he hasn't called. post comment

[02 Mar 2004|07:14pm] [ mood | full ] [ music | anthem- phantom planet ] today kind of really sucked. first period, i found that my gym clothes were lost. so i ended up digging my gym pants out of the lost and found. and i couldn't find my shirt.... so i used some other lucky loser's who had lost her's... and it was nasty... but then we played superball and stephen hurt his ankle. he hurt his ankle playing against my team. he was sitting with his back to the wall with an ice pack. and in the locker room, there was a huge spider crawling on caryn's clothes, and everyone started screaming, so i yelled "DIE, SHELOB!" and squished it with someone's binder. and then the next period, i found out that we were going on a field trip the next day and i should've gotten a form signed letting me go. but i hadn't even recieved it. but i won't go into detail about that, because the way i solved it probably wasn't the best, but it worked. science came around and i still didn't have the money for the WW rafting trip. it's due tomorrow and i hope my mom can scrape up some money for it. then, in math, i saw that i had gotten a fourty seven on a cumulative review, a sixty on a test, and a ninety on a quiz. screw school. i'll be a musician. like hell i'll be a musician... hopefully. anyway. so basically, i was PMSing all day and i always wanted to bend over and die. and then when i got on BD today, burra told me to die and give him all my stuff. i did the latter, and sort of forgot about the former. but, when i got home, i made a little trip that you're not supposed to know about, then i got home and started frying carrots and potatoes and apples in vegetable oil and lemon'n'pepper. then i made an omelet out of the mess and ate it for dinner. so now i'm all full... i think i'll check my email... post comment

[22 Feb 2004|08:50pm] after i last posted, i've been in my room because gail was here and i erally didn't feel like talking to anyone. and i was doing things you usually do in your room all alone... like shaving crayons. shaving crayons and drawing and writing and reading. but i didn't do my homework, which was very stupid. now i have to do it. oh, but not yet. i have to tell you more. there's a change in plans. i'm not going to be there on friday, but i will be there late monday night. but i'm still going to school on monday. *growls* oh well. i'm off. post comment

[22 Feb 2004|05:24pm] [ mood | calm ] [ music | so says i- the shins ] yesterday, my sister came down so we could celebrate my mom's birthday by going to romeo and juliet at the shakespeare tav. she got here alright, and we had time to spare, but my aunt called and said that my grandpa was in a really poor condition and the doctors said he probably wouldn't make it through the day. honestly, i don't know how my dad felt abotu that because he doesn't communicate his feelings. at all. then we got yet anotehr call from my uncle and he said my grandpa was dead. but... we went to romeo and juliet anyway because it was our only chance to celebrate mom's birthday. tuesday, i'm flying to texas, wednesday, going to the funeral, thursday, hanging out with the family, friday, flying back. then on saturday, i'm going to berry to spend the night at my sister's dorm. so it will be a pretty busy week. but maybe it will be enough to get me off my absurd obsession with the barrowdowns. 1 comment|post comment

[21 Feb 2004|12:58am] [ mood | awake ] [ music | what to do- ok go ] no one interesting is on barrowdowns. i think i may turn in before 3 tonight. i've been posting a lot though. post comment

[20 Feb 2004|09:29pm] i lied. i do have something to say. my life is boring me. there's no love, only hate. and hate is bland. it's not even foul, it's bland. there's nothing to live for. the only company i have is the heavy pit of my stomach that seems to hold all my tears. i can't talk to anyone because no one feels the same way i do. so i'm all alone... and i'm miserable. is this how it's going to be from now on? most likely, yes. why do i have to suffer through life anymore? what's the point? 1 comment|post comment

[20 Feb 2004|09:15pm] [ mood | determined ] [ music | bjork- hidden place ] i have nothing to write anymore. post comment

[20 Feb 2004|04:38am] [ mood | exhausted ] [ music | big brat- phantom planet ] here i am... 4:38 am on the chat site i'll probably be on all day tomorrow anyway. but i'm determined not to leave until burra gets off. post comment

[19 Feb 2004|01:50pm] [ mood | content ] [ music | holy roller novocaine- kings of leon ] i'm reading this book by gerda weissman klein, a holocaust victim, about, well, the holocaust. it portrays most germans as selfish, arrogant, even ignorant. which they were. they were being won over by hitler. but i still can't help but to think of germans as kind. but i guess that's a good thing, because i shouldn't loathe them for something that happened while many of them weren't even alive. but this book is so addicting. i started reading it this summer, but i just started it all over again a few days ago, because i didn't remember much of it. now i'm near the end, and, in the book, it's the year of '45, which is the year they were liberated. so it should be ending soon, not that i want it to. i just can't wait to read the end, because i know that it's a good ending. to think that real life can have a fairy-tale ending. but, in the immortal words of gaia moore, life is always more peculiar than fiction. but it's true. in fiction, we always know the answer to the mysteries, at least by the end, if not by the middle. but in this life, you never know. you are what you know, and what you know is so often untrue due to denial, lies, or whatever non-reality has come into your mind. anyway, i found this new nerd site that i'm addicted to now. for its chatroom... of course. but it's a lotr site called barrowdowns and the people there actually know what they're talking about. i mean, i had a debate with someone from korea last night about how hobbits are the purist, most innocent race. she said that it was forced innocence, and i said that that wasn't true, because the purity of hobbits was tested when frodo delivered the ring to mount doom. he would not have made that journey if it had not been for the innocence of hobbits. anyway, i pretty much won when bethberry agreed with me, because she's sort of the all-knowing wight. anyway, i just said that to prove my nerdiness. so that's the sort of thing we talk about. it's a lot more interesting than the mindless babble of idiots in aim chats. and it gives me people to talk to that don't make me feel horrible. anyway, i'm going to go check my email. post comment

happy birthday [18 Feb 2004|10:22pm] [ mood | lonely ] [ music | waste of paint- bright eyes ] today was my mom's birthday. before my dad left around 2:00, we picked up a card at hallmark and something to eat for dinner from kroger. as soon as we got home, he had to get dressed for work and leave. i spent the rest of the day baking the cake, cooking, singing, reading, doing laundry, and cleaning. then my mom got home around seven. she was tired and didn't feel like talking, so we watched television through dinner. after dinner, i gave her my card, with the confirmation paper for tickets to romeo and juliet on saturday tucked into the envelope. she liked her gift, but she didn't want to eat the cake i had baked her until tomorrow, when dad will be home. it was sort of a lame birthday, i know, but we don't have much money right now. so that was my day. today was russell's birthday too, but he was in california. i don't know why, but i heard it from caryn, who heard it from russell a few days ago. no one's online. mom's watching television or something... but, like i said, she doesn't feel like talking. i feel horrible that i couldn't give her a better birthday. and she found out today that she got bumped off the list from the college program she was planning to go to this summer. so we're all pretty... blech. yeah. that's the only word that can describe it. i feel so far away from my friends. i feel like i don't even know them anymore. talking only hurts, and i'm spending a lot of the time avoiding everyone. i'm tired of putting on an act around them. i want to be alone and miserable now. post comment

[17 Feb 2004|06:34pm] [ mood | numb ] [ music | why did you mess with forever?- john mayer ] i hate lies. i hate fake. i hate fantasies. if fantasies are the only thing you're holding onto, you're nothing. i'm nothing. 2 comments|post comment

hello again [16 Feb 2004|08:26pm] drake, lol. i'm not ignoring you. you're just never on when i'm on. i get on at about seven o'clock every day. usually. and if you'd look at my blurty profile, you'd see that my sn is rock0muse. and i haven't blocked you or anything, because you've given me no reason to block you. but don't be a bitch to me, okay? i want to be your friend. 2 comments|post comment

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