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Friday, October 17th, 2003
4:18 pm - 5 things
five details about your appearance right now;

x. hair is curlyish – eww
x. sweatpants
x. fba sweatshirt
x. I have tomato sauce stains on my pants from trying to control some tomato sauce cooking in a pan…I lost
x. I'm singing

five things you did today;
x. actually wanted to be at school??? odd child I am
x. had 3 cans of flat pepsi
x. got evil tones from 3 different family members for skipping school for a bio project
x. talked to my best friend
x. watched 5 episodes of all my children…great progress on the project…opps

five things that everyone should know about you;
x. I have issues
x. I cant sing for my life
x. I am a procrastinator
x. I say I'm fine…a lot….usually when I feel like shit
x. I am home but I want to go home

five groups/artists you listened to yesterday;
x. daniel bedingfield
x. christina aguilera
x. train
x. celine dion
x. matchbox twenty

five things that make you happy;
x. when Kim hugs me and smells my hair
x. hearing “I love you Magz”
x. listening to renee talk with a plastic cup taped to her face, telling baylor she is his father…then he says excellent…odd man….
x. sleeping in
x. seeing people I love

five things that make you sad
x. when other people have shit going on in their lives, cuz they don't deserve it… well it doesn’t make me sad just it sucks
x. thinking about megan
x. being alone with me and my mind for too long
x. when I let someone down
x. when I fuck up my life

five things that disgust you;
x. cat fights at school
x. myself
x. bugs
x. michael
x. my scars

five things you can't live without;
x. Kim
x. my friends that mean the world to me, you know who you are
x. organs
x. air
x. water

five things you'll do when you complete this;
x. clean my room
x. get some leaves for my project
x. call maria
x. go to my grandmothers for dinner for her birthday
x. think about how fucked up my life is

five things you feel right now;
x. I don't feel anymore, I feel numb but not, more like I just have no feeling in my heart, just emptiness
x. alone
x. annoyed with myself
x. sad
x. worried

current mood: stressed
current music: Christina ~ Beautiful

(comment on this)

4:16 pm - alphabet survey
A - Act your age - 15
B - Boyfriend – non-existent
C - Chore you hate – getting up in the morning
D - Dad's name - ted
E - Essential make up item – black eyeliner, mascara
F - Favorite actress – Renee, Sandra, Drew, Liz
G - Gold or silver - silver
H - Hometown – norwood, ma
I - Instruments you play – none
J - Job title - student
K - Kids - none
L - Living arrangements – with my parents and patches
M - Mom's name - joanne
N - Number – 6, 9, 13
O - Overnight hospital stays – I don't remember, I don't think I ever have
P - Phobia – spiders, bugs, the dark, michael-sicle
Q - Quote you like - "OW LADAY” …”ohhh laday that felt good” and “we only get one FUCKING day of christmas”(said into a plastic cup)
R - Religious affiliation? – not to sure
S - Sibling – genetically, nancy
T - Time you wake up? - between 5 and 12, its a different time everyday.
U - Unique habit – knuckle and neck cracking, nail biting, leg shaking, babbling, wandering
V - Vegetable you refuse to eat – asparagus
W - Worst habit – not telling people how I feel, saying I'm fine, and another thing
X - X-rays you've had –teeth, collarbone, legs-multiple times
Y - Yummy food you make – a lot of stuff
Z - Zodiac Sign - leo

current mood: gloomy
current music: Christina Aguilera ~ Beautiful

(comment on this)

Tuesday, October 14th, 2003
6:12 pm - longest fucking survey
START
1) What time is it?: 4:23
2) What is the date?: October 14th 2003
3) Why are you filling this out?: because i need to get some stuff off my mind

YOU YOU YOU
4) Full name: Kathleen Erin Costello
5) Do you like it?: it could be better
6) Nicknames: o god...kath, costy, kitkat, magz, nini, hey you, im sure im forgetting some
7) If you could change your first name, what would it be?: megan, or danielle, idk, i cant think of the names i really like right now, my mind isnt focusing
8) (same as above) middle name?: i guess mines ok
9) DOB : 8/21/88
10) Height: 5'4"
11) Hair colour: brown
12) Eye colour: brown
13) Where do you live?: norwood
14.) Do you like it there?: not really
15) Why/Why not: its norwood
16) Where were you born?: norwood caritas hospital
17) Astrological sign: Leo
18) Shoe Size: 9...ish
19) Grade: 10th
20) School: fba
21) GP A: i dont even want to know

FAMILY
22) Parents names: joanne and ted
23) Do you have any siblings?: yes
24) If so, what are their names and ages?: nancy 18
25) Are your parents divorced/remarried/single?: married
26) Pets: cat
27) Names: patches
28) Do you like your family?: LMAO
29) Favorite relative: my cousin Maria

FAVORITES
30) Number: 6, 13
31) Color: black, red, silver, blue
32) Car: any car would be nice
33) Season: winter
34) Holiday: christmas
35) Month: august
36) Day of the week: monday or friday
37) Grade so far: 8th, 9th, and 10th-for friends but they've been the absolute worst otherwise
38) Sport:basketball/baseball
39) Class: frees
40) Teacher so far: ms batalian
41) Drink: wild cherry pepsi
42) Candy: milky way
43) Food: pasta
44) Fruit: strawberries
45) Veggie: umm....carrots
46) Dessert: ben & jerry's half baked =D
47) TV show: friends, will and grace
48) Radio station: whatever isnt on commercials
49) CD: christina aguilera ~ stripped
50) Movie: white oleander
51) Actor: adam sandler, ed harris
52) Actress: Renee Zellweger, Sandra Bullock, Drew Barrymore, Elizabeth Hendrickson
53) Song: If You're Not The One-its just a phase i swear....
54) Word: laday(liz)
55) Phrase: ow laday, ohhh that felt good
56) Animal: dolphins and penguins
57) Flower: red rose, lilies
58) Clothing store: old navy
59) Article of clothing: sweatshirt
60) Underwear: ::shrug::
61) State (that you've been to): hiltonhead sc
62) Ice cream flavor: cookie dough
63) Breakfast food: life cereal or poptarts
64) Way to have fun: give renee a cup

THIS OR THAT
65) Me/You: you
66) AOL/AIM: aim
67) CD/Cassette: cd
68) DVD/VCR: dvd
69) Radio/CD: cd
70) Slow dance/Freak dance: slow
71) Jeans/Khakis: sweatpants
72) Jacket/Coat: jacket
73) Leather/Pleath er: leather??i guess
74) Sparkles/Bronze: neither really
75) Sexy/Hot: sexy
76) Car/Truck: car
77) Civic/Acura: either would be nice
78) Corvette/Camero: same
79) Strong/Weak: strong
80) Upset/Pissed: both
81) Tall/Short: dont care
82) Lunch/Dinner: breakfast
83) Abercrombie/Hollister: which ever one burns easier
84) Gap/Old Navy: old navy
85) Nsync/BSB: i guess bsb, but neither really
86) Britney/Christina: christina
87) Love/Lust: love
88) Gone In 60 Seconds/The Fast and the Furious: fast and furious
89) Inside/Outside: inside
90) Lipstick/Lipgloss: lipgloss
91) Silver/Gold: silver
92) Piercings/Tattoos: tattoos
93) Football/Basketball: both
94) Thunder/Lightning: both but not really bad
95) this/that: this

FRIENDS

96) Who is your best girl friend?: kim
97) Guy friend: mo
98) Do you get along with people easily?: i guess sometimes
99) Why/Why not: idk
100) Who have you known the longest?: maria
101) Who do you dislike the most?: jenn >:o
102) Was your crush/bf/gf a close friend before you liked them?: hahahaha
103) Craziest: o god, i used to think margo, or liz but then i saw renee when she forgot to take her meds
104) Loudest: tough one
105) Funniest: tough one
106) Quietest: lately-me
107) Sweetest: kim, renee, margo, liz, alyssa, maria, dominique, brittani, damn ok so theres a lot of you
108) Most caring: same
109) Most understanding: kim
112) Best dressed: yes uniforms do describe personalities oh so well
113) Biggest flirt: hahahaha almost the whole lunch table
114) Most likely to have a 2 year relationship: idk
115) Cutest couple: ill keep that to myself
116) Most loyal: all my friends
117) Most athletic: probly allie or alyssa
118) If you were stuck with only 2 friends, who would they be?: tough choice, but i think i know who
119)If you could date >ONE< of your friends, who would you date and why?: hahahahaha
120) If you were the opposite sex, which member of the same sex (as you are now) would you date and why?: hahahahaha
121) Most likely to be on America's Most Wanted: mary or renee or liz or well a lot of us
123) Doctor: allie
124) Teacher: kim
125) Stay at home mom: me
126) One you'd travel across the world for: kim
127) If you could take 5 friends to paradise with you to live, who would you take and why would they be the best?: i would pick 5 and the rest would be squished in suitcases
128) Biggest wanna-be playa (boy): ryan
131) Smartest: idk alyssa maybe or allie
133) Who has the nicest parents?: kim
134) Who is like your adopted sister/brother?: kim
135) Who is the most like you?: we all have stuff in common, or you just kinda pick up on stuff they say or do or like

LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS

136) Do you have a bf/gf?: nope
137) If so, who?:
138) If not, do you have a crush?: i think so
139) If so, who?: thats for me to know
140) How long have you liked your bf/gf/crush?: im not sure wheather or not i have a crush
141) What about them do you like so much?: eyes
142) What is their strongest quality?:
143) Weakest quality?:
144) How long have you known them?: yeah, i dont think i have a crush right now
145) What physical feature attracted you to them at first?:
146) Personality feature:
148) If you could kiss one famous >ACTRESSNEVER< said a thing?: ? whats an actressnever?
157) If you could take back one thing you did, what would it be and why?: cant tell ya, but its one thing i did multiple times
158) Do you have any regrets?: OH YEAH
159) Last thing you said: well i just said oh yeah out loud to myself
160) Last song you heard: im listening to train~my private nation
161) Last person you talked to:ummm...my dad...maybe....
162) If you could get back together with an ex, who would it be and why?:


PRESENT
< BR>163) What are you doing right now?: survey
164) What cd is in your cd player?: eminem
165) Are you cold?: yeah its a tad chilly over here
166) How are you sitting?: in a chair, wit my feet under my ass cuz they're cold
167) Is there music on?: yuppers
168) If so, what song is it? white america
169) What time is it?: 6:03-i took a few breaks
170) Where are your parents?: well my dad just came in and wants my interms tomorrow-opps, and my mom went out

FUTURE
171) How old will you be when you graduate high school?: 17
172) Are you going to get married?: eventually...hopefully
173) Although you cant tell who you'll marry, is there anyone you'd wish it would be?: yeah, ive got a few
174) If so, who?: not telling
175) Are you going to have children?: yeah
176) If yes, how many?: 3
177) What w ill you name them?: well i do have names but my mind is busy come back later
178) Do you want to go to college?: yes
179) Which college: i dunno
180) What kind of car will you want to drive? any car would be nice
181) What kind of job will you have: something that pays
182) Whats your expectations for when your 25?: i would like to be happy by then

HAVE YOU EVER...

184) Smoked: yeah
185) Skinny Dipped: yeah
186) Prank called the police: yeah
188) Been high: nope
189) Done drugs: nope
190) If so, what?:
191) Stole: yeah, nothing big
192) Met someone off the net: not in person
193) Been in a fist fight:yeah
194) Punched your sibling/parent: god yes
195) Wished you'd die: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
197) Broken a bone: too many
198) Driven illegally: not on a road
199) Thrown things at your parents: yeah
200) Runaway: i dont think so....
201) Filled out a survey this long?: i dont think so

HOW WOULD YOU SPELL THESE?

202) Sean/Shawn: shawn
203) Desiree/Desirae/other: desiree
203) Megan/Meghan: megan
204) Nicole/Nichole/other: nicole
205) Mark/Marc: mark
206) Eric/Erik: eric
207) Ashley/Ashlee/Ashleigh/other: ashley
208) Morgan/Morghan: morgan
209) Jackie/Jaqui/other: jackie
210)Caitlin/Kaitlyn/other: caitlinn
211) Shelly/Shelley/other: shelly
212) Carey/Carrie/other: carrie
213) Vick/Vic: vic
214) Darren/Daren: darren
215) Derek/Derrik: derek
216) Bryan/Brian: brian
217) Nikki/Nicky/Nicci/other: nikki
218) Christina/Kristina: christina
219) Zak/Zack/Zach: Zack
220) Gina/Geena: gina

OTHERS
221) Do you right in cursive or print?: print
222) Are you a lefty, righty, or ambidextrious: righty
223) Do you believe in God?: not really
224) Whats your religion?: not too sure
225) What do you think of rainbows?: hahahahahahaha, well theyre colorful
226) Do you have any piercings/tattoos?: not yet
227) If so, where?
228) if not, do you want any, where?: yeah
229) What do you think of Eminem?: when i feel empty
231) What do you think of Britney and Justin?: DIE JUSTIN DIE
232) If you could live anywhere else, where would you live?: somewhere, anywhere...well no i love my people here but idk i guess maybe NH with kim or florida with brittani
233) Do you drive?: no
234) Do you have braces or glasses?: yuck-braces
235) Like milk and cookies?: yeah
236) Ever worn black nail polish?: yeah
237) If your a guy, have you ever painted your nails?:
238) If you could have a 6th sense, what would it be?: i do, im paranoid
239) If you have a magical power, what would it be and why would you have it?: to read minds
240) If you could be invisible for a day what would you do?: hehehehe, idk ill think about that
241) Do you do things even when your parents say no?: yeah
242) What is your favorite s ong to "rock out" to?: hahahaha something wit a good beat
243) Ever taken anything from a hotel?: soap?
244) Did you talk to your crush/bf/gf today?: nope, i didnt know they existed
245) If so, for how long?:
246) If not, why not?: damn getting detailed here
247) Do you think this is stupidly long?: yeah
248) Did you like it?: well, it didnt really get my mind off stuff or really amuse me but i guess it was ok
249) Why/Why not: detailed...damn, i guess same as above

FINISH
250) What time is it?: how many times have we done this-6:54
251) What is the date?: october 14th 2003
252) Why did you just do this?: get my mind off stuff

current mood: rejected
current music: Train ~ Calling All Angels

(comment on this)

4:15 pm - yay pretty dolphins
water
Your element is Water. You are a deep person and a
good communicator. Incredibably loving and
loyal when your trust is gained and you are
fairly mature.Myterious to the utmost water is
in everything. One can be an Ocean or a river
but nobody truly knows you.


What's your element
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current mood: empty
current music: If You're Not The One

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Monday, October 13th, 2003
8:56 pm - goddess
godd
You are Form 1, Goddess: The Creator.

"And The Goddess planted the acorn of life.
She cried a single tear and shed a single drop
of blood upon the earth where she buried it.
From her blood and tear, the acorn grew into
the world."


Some examples of the Goddess Form are Gaia (Greek),
Jehova (Christian), and Brahma (Indian).
The Goddess is associated with the concept of
creation, the number 1, and the element of
earth.
Her sign is the dawn sun.

As a member of Form 1, you are a charismatic
individual and people are drawn to you.
Although sometimes you may seem emotionally
distant, you are deeply in tune with other
people's feelings and have tremendous empathy.
Sometimes you have a tendency to neglect your
own self. Goddesses are the best friends to
have because they're always willing to help.


Which Mythological Form Are You?
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current mood: scared
current music: Beautiful ~ Christina Aguilera

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Saturday, October 11th, 2003
8:08 pm - damn yankees
DAMN THE FUCKING YANKEES
COWBOY UP FOR TOMORROWS GAME!!!
WE GONNA KICK SOME NY YANKEE ASSSSSSS!!!!!!

hahaha that was mad funny tho when pedro hit that dude off the shoulder then a few minutes later when both teams get pissed cuz somebody else got hit and zimmers comes at pedro with his hand raised and pedro like grabs his head and shoves him on the ground. he was fucking rolling like a rolly polly prune guy. its was hilarious!!!!hahahahaha....yeah.....then we lost 4-3 oh well its only game 3. well i gotta go dog sit for amy then tim, our relative from california's staying over tonight so hopefully he eventually get here....

current mood: energetic
current music: ims from kim

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11:49 am - oh yay i like to cuddle
cuddle and a kiss
cuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to be
close to your special someone and feel warm,
comfortable, and needed


What Sign of Affection Are You?
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current mood: happy

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Friday, October 10th, 2003
6:51 pm - xtina
HASH(0x8076010)
FIGHTER!!! Your a fighter. Your strong, and you
dont give up. You know people are gonna try and
bring you down, but you'll always come out on
top! YOU GO GURL!!!


(W/ Pictures!!!) Which Christina Aguilera Song Are You!!!!
brought to you by Quizilla

THATS MY GIRL CHRISTINA!!!!!!

current mood: amused
current music: DAniel Bedingfield ~ If You're Not The One

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9:41 am - im in tarzan hahahahaha
CWINDOWSDesktoptarzan.jpg
Tarzan!


What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla

current mood: melancholy
current music: If That's What It Takes

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Monday, October 6th, 2003
10:57 pm - kim, renee, and daniel
ok busy past 48hours:

yesterday i went to kims around 12 and we drove to Hopkington(?) to Gary's house to burn her Lianca cds-hahaha, can we say addiction? and her mom and Gary had a meeting at HomeDepot(Gary's expanding). before we left we watched some show on E! about gay and lesbian actors cuz eden from AMC was on it, yeah, for like three fucking seconds, she deserves more!!the car ride up was ok, kinda quiet, but not too bad seing as i had a lot on my mind. and we listened to volume one of the prerape lianca cds she burned last week. i had a few tears rolling down my cheeks during daniel bedingfield's "if you're not the one". i think i might be falling in love with kim again, and im so afraid that i will. i would give anything not to, i think it would put me in a hospital. but im not sure. i think it might just be my need to touch her and that i really need to have her just hold me and she cant, or at least hasnt really. like i kinda want to kiss her but thats about it other than having her hold me. but thats just cuz thats how i know that everything is ok and i feel like shit right now and rejection and lack of touching from her is killing me. but anyway, so then we got to garys, damn it was cold! lol so i think we broke the burner so we gave up and watched robin williams live on dvd till they came back. then we drove up towards SNHU and stopped at Applebees. the ride was ok i guess. i kinda just lost myself in my thoughts. at one point kim was all leaned up close to my head smelling my hair and it took me like a minute to realize she was there. it also hit me that when i had arrived at her house earlier, i wrapped my arms around her neck to hug her cuz she was sitting down eating. god, when that hit me my face just fell. i felt so bad. i mean i remember how i reacted when i touched her neck at the funeral and she jolted backwards. i know she knows that her rejecting my touch kills me but i would rather have her kill me than me kill her. im supposed to be the strong one and i suck at that. like i just wanted to reach over and hold her, just to cuddle up to her but i was so afraid to.

i just hate this so much. like because he touched her, she couldnt touch me when i went up for the weekend. then my walls went back up. i feared her rejection. when she called me on the monday(sept 15) i was thinking about going back to the hospital. ya know going back on meds and all that shit just to get better, for her. then that. like i just wanted to hold her, like maggie held bianca the night she got drunk, when she told her about the rape. and that was i guess the tought that got me through th week, holding her. then when mom wouldnt let me got on friday night i was ripshit cuz like they didnt know what had happened and so what just cuz i stayed home sick i couldnt go? i should have just gone to school, it was my own stupid fault. then when i finally got to go see her, mom dropped me offa and i hugged kim while she was holding the door open for me and she didnt hug me back. then she gave me a sweet little thank you for getting my through this week card and i went to hug her then pulled back and asked her if i could hug her. she said yes but she couldnt hug me back. i really thought that would be ok, just as long as i could hold her. but it hurt more than i could ever imagine, not to feel her arms around me.

current mood: rejected
current music: DAniel Bedingfield ~ If You're The One (on repeat-hehehe)

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Sunday, October 5th, 2003
10:19 am - peaceful sunday morning
i love sunday mornings. i can stay in bed till dad goes to church then i basically have the house to myself, cuz moms sleeping. idk its just nice. lol yeah i thought id share. im kinda sad though cuz my spider dude left. im kinda scard that maybe its in my room but i hope not, he was huge. but it was kinda fun though cuz id like check up on him sometimes and talk to him, well not really but id say goodnight and good morning, lol.

i was lying in bed this morning and i was thinking, when was the last time i hugged my parents or they hugged me? i mean im not saying want to go hug them but, thats kinda weird i thought. i really cant remember....idk, its kind of amusing though. like the one thing i tell the truth about(or one if the few) is my relationship with my parents. like i dont go into details but if people know me they know i dont like my family. but no one believes me. well i think kim does, but im not 100% percent sure, but almost. but everyone else tells me that i love my family and that i miss nancy. that pisses me off. i think i know how i feel not them, so i dont appriciate them telling me what im feeling.

but yeah so im going to go take a shower and stuff cuz idk when kims gonna call. but i will be back later. i still need to figure out last week. i hae no idea what im feeling right now. my body and my mind feel so numb.

current mood: contemplative
current music: airplanes outside

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Saturday, October 4th, 2003
11:09 pm - ::sigh:: long day, long week, long month
wow, intense week. basically this week was just school, friends, nancy, my parents, lots of regrets.
school sucks. im failing math and bio. i have c's in everything except theater and theo and gym. oh and a d in english. although i am quite amused by the fact that my parents are completely unaware that interms came out yesterday. but they dont have my online password and hopefully wont want it. their theories on parenthood confuse the shit outa me. i feel like i have to tell them how to raise me, um, whats wrong with this picture? like i get that they try to establish some form of discipline but they have no rules or anything they just like take stuff away or something. im kinda pissed that they took my tv away but i mean yeah ok i got an f in math 4th quarter but watching tv wasnt the reason and i dont get where they got that idea. i was just a little more focused on trying to stay alive than on my math average. i guess that was my bad. it just bugs me that they never asked me why or tried to talk to me about it. not that i would have talked to them but at least to know they gave a fuck. they just take away my tv. whop-de-doo. i know a lot of crap has happened this month but i really wish i had just fucking done my homework cuz now i have to meet with mrs. toole and mrs bond, and mrs natale was telling me how i could do better and all that shit. now i gotta bust my butt for good grades so when i get my report card, which my parents will definately remember about, i wont be failing stuff. argh. i hate fba.

and yesterday, wow. too many emotions for one day. so in the morning befroe first period i went over to the section of lockers where laurens is and amanda asked like lauren austin or somebody if renee and steph were going out then for some reason they all asked me. i was so shocked cuz amanda asked renee out last year. renee told me, its not like everyone, or anyone, else knows shes gay, or bi, idk cuz she has a boyfriend. so i was really thrown off and managed to get a no, i dont think so out of my mouth. then jackie berry goes, oh why does she like girls, but that was about it. but then i went to the bathroom to tell renee what she asked. i dont even really know why i told her anymore. i guess i just didnt want her to hear it from somebody else and cuz amanda asked her out i thought she would want to know she had been asking if she was gay. renee walked out, she was pissed. i was just standing in the doorway with my arm out to stop her from punching amanda. i finally got her to turn around and we walked in and saw steph. omg, my heart just broke and i realized that i should not have told her. she had her head against the mirror and she looked like she wanted to cry. we talked for a couple minutes then they had to leave before the bell rang to go down the hill. steph walked out and renee stood at the door waiting for me. i told her to leave but she knew something was wrong and wanted me to talk. i told her i was fine and she had to go to class and to get out of the bathroom. she was like you're talking to me later and finally left. god i wanted to cry and to cut so bad. but i couldnt do either, i had theology and the bell had rung. after homeroom i walked back up the hill with sarah flanagan and she said steph was crying in homeroom. i got to english and took out my knife and went to the bathroom. damn, i fucking hacked at my leg for a minute, but there was barely any blood. but it still hurt like a mother fucker. that was my punishment for making steph cry. it was all my fault. renee and i talked during english but i was just out of it. she asked if i was ok a few times and i said i was fine. she dropped it. we walked down the hill and i just stared ta my feet for most of the time. i just felt so ashamed and to blame, and i had no idea what she felt like but was too afraid to ask. then at lunch i went to the bthroom with my knife and got more pissed that i wasnt bleeding. i left when steph and lauren(kanelos) walked in. i couldnt look at her all day. god, i felt so guilty. i feel like i saw her all day, shes in my spanish class, and i walked behind her up the hill and i saw her in the halls, argh, i didnt know what to say. i wanted to write her a note but i didnt knwo how to say how sorry i was. margo was so sweet though, i guess i looked like shit, but she was just so sweet to me at lunch. she and celina tried to make me laugh but i just laid my head down on my sweater and drowned myself in my thoughts. at one point i caught renees eye but i couldnt read her face and i looked away. she missed the first half of bio and didnt talk to me during that or anyt8ime after. i saw her after school but she just kept walking. that hurt so bad. i cant even describe it. i felt like shit. like she blamed me for this big mess. i heard her talking and laughing at her pod during bio but i felt liek she was avoiding me all day. i asked liz if renee seemed pissed at me but she said no. it was a bad, really bad, day. when i came home i wanted to cut again but i didnt have anyroom left on my theigh, the whole fucking thing was covered in red, stinging, scratches. i talked to kim online, i told her what happened...the renee came on. she imed me with a "hey". it took me like 5minutes to type "hi". then i was like im so sorry. but she doesnt blame me she was just really out of it today and couldnt face anyone. it wasnt just me. i guess i was happy to hear(see??) that, but my emotions were so mixed and it was hard to process that kind of a day. mostly i just regret that i cut. ill get into that tomorrow. im going to bed now becuse im freezing my ass off down here, but wow holy fuck that was long. why do i have to be so detailed??i really piss myself off. ok well na-nights.

current mood: somewhat accomplished but sad
current music: train lyrics running through my head

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10:39 pm - another survey
THREE THINGS THAT SCARE ME:
01 | going back to my past
02 | not having someone to just hold when im old
03 | pain, physical and emotional
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE PEOPLE WHO MAKE ME LAUGH:
01 | Kim
02 | Renee
03 | my two lunch tables
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I LOVE:
01 | my friends
02 | my bed
03 | my music
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I HATE:
01 | regret
02 | my sister
03 | my inability to express what i feel
-----------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND:
01 | My emotions
02 | life
03 | people that think they are better than everyone else
-----------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS ON MY DESK:
01 | alarm clock
02 | notebooks
03 | a bottle of conditioner
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I'M DOING RIGHT NOW:
01 | singing to "If Thats What It Takes"...again, its been on repeat for the last 3 or 4 days
02 | typing
03 | eating some breakfast
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE:
01 | finally fall for the right person
02 | go to Italy
03 | graduate college
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I CAN DO:
01 | curl my tongue
02 | touch my tongue to my nose
03 | cook
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I CAN'T DO:
01 | sing
02 | rhyme
03 | say the right thing
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO:
01 | dominques refrigerator
02 | If Thats What It Takes(obsessive phase, sorry)
03 | White Flag
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO EVER:
01 | my mothers car starting up in the morning
02 | my singing
03 | nsync, ect
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST:
01 | hello
02 | shit
03 | what the fuck
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE OF YOUR ABSOLUTE FAVORITE FOODS:
01 | Chinese
02 | grandpas pasta
03 | tony's caeser salad
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS YOU'D LIKE TO LEARN:
01 | how to sing
02 | the meaning of life
03 | phychololgy
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE BEVERAGES YOU DRINK REGULARLY:
01 | water
02 | wild cherry pepsi
03 | oj
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE SHOWS YOU WATCHED WHEN YOU WERE A KID:
01 | gumby
02 | care bears
03 | puzzle playhouse??something like that
------------------------------------------------------------
RANDOM QUESTIONS.
1. Spell your name backwards? neelhtak
2. How did you get your journal name? made it up
3. Last four digits of your phone numer? 9162
------------------------------------------------------------
DESCRIBE YOUR..
[ x ] Wallet - black
[ x ] Hairbrush - purple
[ x ] Toothbrush - blue
[ x ] Jewelry worn daily - none
[ x ] Pillow cover - white
[ x ] Blanket - comforter, two afgans, a snowflake blanket thats really soft, and my baby blanket-its been cold ok
[ x ] Coffee cup - eeyore
[ x ] Sunglasses - i lost them
[ x ] Favorite shirt - my scs cheering clinic one form like 3rd grade-its so comfy to sleep in
[ x ] Cologne/Perfume - sweet pea
[ x ] CD in stereo right now - michelle branch is upstairs but If Thats What It Takes is playing from a website down here
[ x ] Tattoos - Not yet
[ x ] Piercings - none
[ x ] What you are wearing now - lounge pants, tank top, black sweater, plus you know socks and underwear
[ x ] In my mouth - tea
[ x ] In my head - regrets
[ x ] Wishing - this month had been a lot better for the people i love
[ x ] After this - im going back to bed
[ x ] Fetishes - Wouldn't you like to know?
[ x ] If you could get away with it and murder anyone, who and for what reason? - i dont think i would ever kill someone, i think i have it in me but i dont believe in it, if i ever took someones life it would have to be my own, i dont think its right to mess with someone elses destiny like that
[ x ] Person you wish you could see right now - Kim
[ x ] Is next to you right now - the floor
[ x ] Some of your favorite movies - so many
[ x ] Something you're looking forward to in the upcoming month - water balloon fights in the bathrooms at school
[ x ] The last thing you ate - eggs
[ x ] Something that you are deathly afraid of - pain
[ x ] Do you like candles - HELL YEAH, they smell purty :D
[ x ] Do you like incense - not really, it smells up the whole house
[ x ] Do you like the taste of blood - i dont like suck my blood or anything but i dont think it really has flavor
[ x ] Do you believe in love - yes
[ x ] Do you believe in soul mates - yes, im lucky to have found mine
[ x ] Do you believe in love at first sight - yes
[ x ] Do you believe in Heaven - kind of, i have my own theory
[ x ] Do you believe in God - i dont know at the moment
[ x ] What do you want done with your body when you die - body organs donated and my body cremated
[ x ] If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be - a dolphin or a penguin
[ x ] What is the latest you've ever stayed up - a few days
[ x ] Can you eat with chopsticks - yeah, well kinda
[ x ] What's your favorite coin - Quarter
[ x ] What are some of your favorite candies - milky ways, reeses, skittles
[ x ] What's something that you wish people would understand - they arent better than everyone else
[ x ] What's something you wish you could understand better - myself
[ x ] Who is someone that you really wish was still around - Megan

current mood: drained
current music: Train ~ My Private Nation

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Friday, October 3rd, 2003
5:16 pm - Winter!!YAY!!
Season = Winter
You're Most Like The Season Winter ...

You're often depicted as the cold, distant season.
But you're incredibly intelligent, mature and
Independant. You have an air of power around
you - and that can sometimes scare people off.
You're complex, and get hurt easily - so you
rarely let people in if you can help it. You
can be somewhat of a loner, but just as easily
you could be the leader of many. You Tend to be
negative, and hard to relate to, but you give
off a relaxed image despite being insecure -
and secretly many people long to be like you,
not knowing how deep the Winter season really
is.

Well done... You're the most inspirational of
seasons :)


?? Which Season Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

current mood: distressed
current music: If Thats What It Takes ~ repeating over and over hehehe

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Monday, September 29th, 2003
11:19 pm - amusing day...jinxed but good :D
Ok so I finally went to bed around 2-2:30am and set my alarm clock for 5, of course, however, with my luck, it never went off so i woke up at 10 minutes of 7 and i made my mom drive me to school. My day actually went by pretty fast for a change. 3rd period Renee, Liz, and I got yelled at by sister sunshine for hanging out in the bathroom. opps. that was amusing. between those two and my lunch table i am kept amused for most of the day. renee was a sweetie, she walked me to every class today. or i walked her, or she walked liz and i walked her and sarah walked me but hahaha it was fun. and amanda had a wierd ass out-a-the-blue dream about me, lesbians, and plastic cigarettes. hahahahaha. i had a very good day depite the fact that i didnt pass in any homework, big surprise, and finally got the awaited: should we meet? on the latest math test i failed. My mother had pickup today, so that kind of ruined my day a little. i spend the car ride staring at my reflection and just thinking, its always silent when she drives. sometimes she attempts to make small talk, you know, how was your day and stuff but i just say fine and stare out the window. I don't know though, today it actually hit me that like my family is really fucked up. I mean, we've been told we have 'communication problems' (hahaha-what a shock right?) but its just been the regular. And I mean Lisa tried to point out to me that i needed to work out those problems but I overlooked that and left the hopital. Then when I talked to Anne last year she was like one of those friends who will listen to you bitch about anything and just kind of looks at you in that way, i dont know how to describe it, like they look up to you for no apparent reason. she was like a tag-a-long friend nobody likes. and she would just have me talk about Nancy and how overprotective of her friends she is. that did me no good she never addressed that fact that i dont tell my parents anything and all that shit. but its like, i think nancy has no right to call her friends and avoid calling her family and still expect to show up on Christmas and get hugs. but will i call when i go to college? probably out of guilt, but i dont really want a relationship with my parents once i am old enough to move out. i feel bad for hating them but its like there are so many issues that have yet to have ever been brought up, and i don't think i have it in me to go back through the years trying to mend a relatonship with my parents that im not so sure is worth mending. but i dont know, is it just me? do i exagerate these 'problems'? ok so i dont tell my parents that i want to die and that i cut because certain people get me the wrong way, especially them and Nancy, but lots of kids dont tell their parents stuff. whats so different in our house? i feel so horrible, i am actually ashamed of my parents. the thing is that i feel so guilty for it. am i a horrible person? i am falling asleep and i really need to shave so i dont want to work myself up to a point where i need to cut tonight so im giving up and going to bed so i can get up tomorrow and get myself through the rest of the week. i really hope kim comes home this weekend, i know i saw her tuesday night but still, i miss her. i just really want to hug her. ok, g'night now

current mood: crushed
current music: Mamma Mia

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3:20 pm - I'm Borderline
HASH(0x86d80ec)
borderline


Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla

current mood: borderline
current music: Stand By Your Side

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1:55 am - ::yawn::
Very stressful evening. I just sent my To Kill A Mockingbird paper to Miss V. I think she's gonna think im nuts for being up at 2am but hahahaha o well. I love my kim for editing my paper for me. apparently i have very bad grammer. opps. good thing she wants to be an english teacher, also stays up way past midnight, and loves me. :D i really need to go to bed because im getting up in 2 hours to do more homework. shoot me please.

current mood: exhausted

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Sunday, September 28th, 2003
8:29 pm - 5 Things...
5 Items You Have Brand Loyalty To:
- pepsi
- bath and body works...mmm sweetpea...
- the herbal essences people
- orbit gum
- yankee candle

5 Slang Terms/Phrases You Use:
- shit
- wicked
- idk i say a lot of random stuff
-
-

5 Snacks You Enjoy:
- wild cherry pepsi
- milky ways
- pop tarts
- ice cubes
- reeses peanut butter cups

5 Things You Know The Words To, Even Without Music:
- stand by your side
- cleaning out my closet
- lol skater boi-seriously overplayed but o well
- almost entire stripped cd
- lifestyles of the rich and famous-but only with maria :D

5 Games You Like:
- sims
- nabiscoworld.com mini golf
- pogo.com
- wizard of oz monopoly
- liz h concentration

5 Albums That Changed Your Life:
- christina aguilera-stripped
- celine dion-one heart
- center stage soundtrack
- michelle branch-hotel paper
- sara evens-restless
idk if they've changed my life but they are all incredible cds and have affected me in some way

5 Little Gadgets You Can't Live Without:
- tv
- portable cd player
- dvd player
- notebook
- phone

5 Good Things To Touch: (o my, i will try to be good O:-) )
- i like to hug people
- kitties (hahaha laurens got a kitty in her pants hahahaha-i didnt mean it like that though...just so ya know)
- my bed
- jersey sheets
- snow

5 Things That Smell Good:
- brittani's old house
- kims bed
- cigarettes
- flowers
- herbal essences

5 Things You'd Buy With $1000:
- tv and dvd player
- lots of movies
- lots of books
- lots of cds
- computer
-whatever's left goes towards school

5 Things You've Owned Over Ten Years:
- my cat
- my bed
- my stuffed dalmation
- my virginity
- ....

current mood: worried
current music: celine Dion ~ One Heart

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5:10 pm - Quizilla
HASH(0x849c514)
Protector


The ULTIMATE personality test
brought to you by Quizilla

damn they got me again. i had to make some cookies to sent to nancy, although im still pissed at her about the emails. and we got an email from her today about the 1/2 birthday/Bubba thing. AGHHH i want to kill her. But luckilly i wont see her until Christmas and that wont be for long because I'm going back to Hilton Head with Maria!!Well I really gotta go read TKM and get my paper emailed to her before midnight. hahaha im only on like pg 13. Renee told me to go to pinkmonkey.com, i think i need to do that. ta

current mood: indescribable
current music: the keyboard, Kim and I are singing to each other online

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4:19 pm - Greek Gods
Morpheus
Morpheus


?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

bad quizilla people distracting me from reading my book for english

current mood: calm
current music: Sara Evans ~ Restless

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