Blurty for Kristen.

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Monday, October 18th, 2004

Time:2:48 pm.
meet me in montauk
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Wednesday, March 31st, 2004

Time:2:21 pm.
goodbye fair blurty. i've left you for something better.
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Monday, March 29th, 2004

Time:10:43 am.
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Wednesday, March 24th, 2004

Time:8:22 pm.
at school: it feels like there is a leech on my heart. i didn't notice it until it was gone. i never want it to come back.
at home: people are everywhere and they want to see me. i have friends and privacy. i have my life.

i miss my dad. he is alone all the time except when he sees me or my brother. we are his whole family and friends. i wish that i appreciated him more, because it is amazing to me suddenly that dads love their kids and stay with them after the divorce and my dad loves me so much that it barely seems real.
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Tuesday, March 23rd, 2004

Subject:a quote
Time:7:05 pm.
Music:(book) Tuesdays with Morrie-Mitch Albom.
"There is no formula to relationships. They have to be negotiated in loving ways, with room for both parties, what they want and what they need, what they can do and what their life is like.
In business, people negotiate to win. They negotiate to get what they want. Maybe you're too used to that. Love is different. Love is when you are as concerned about someone else's situation as you are about your own.
You've had these special times with...and you no longer have what you had with him. You want them back. You never want them to stop. But that's part of being human. Stop, renew, stop, renew."

i have a lot to learn...
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Sunday, March 14th, 2004

Subject:no one likes to be let down
Time:11:48 pm.
Music:jack johnson-flake.
i feel like i am running around in circles and my time here is wasting away

This years love had better last
Heaven knows it's high time
And I've been waiting on my own too long
But when you hold me like you do
It feels so right
I start to forget
How my heart gets torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Feeling like you can't go on

Turning circles when time again
It cuts like a knife oh yeah
If you love me got to know for sure
Cos it takes something more this time
Than sweet sweet lies
Before I open up my arms and fall
Losing all control
Every dream inside my soul
And when you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet

This years love had better last
This years love had better last

So who's to worry
If our hearts get torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Don't you know this life goes on
And won't you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet

This years love had better last
This years love had better last
This years love had better last
This years love had better last

bah. stupid fuck. doesn't even fit.
i might buy this cd though

there is a lot to say. maybe if i start i'll just say it all and things will be better. i will be different just because i wrote it. don't you see how i am when i'm sitting here in my room and listening to my music and i am real. you wouldn't believe me if i told you...
but you don't deserve to know anyway. fucking shit. i hate it when you give something to someone and then want it back. it's not like he even knows that he has it or cares. and i do care because it was erased off my computer or will be soon most likely. crap fuck.
Wise up- Aimee Mann
dancing in the dark-bruce springsteen
hands down-dashboard confessional
some song by the eagles
wish you were here, of course.
only happy when it rains!

that's probably half of the songs on the cd that i made and i would like the booklet that accompanies it back, but can't have it back because i can't ask for it back, obviously.

I WANT A WHOLE NEW LIFE! or maybe just have my old one back.........(maybe then i could at least ask him the track list...)
it's funny how you think that you will be friends with someone forever
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Tuesday, March 9th, 2004

Time:2:25 pm.
i am in the skybridge with a checked out laptop. yay for wireless internet. i put on my sweatshirt and it was so warm because i was sitting on it.
today is my first counselor's appt at the real counselor. and i am riding my bike. i have ridden my bike everyday since friday. it makes me happy to ride, i guess. on thursday i will be able to pick up my plate that i made. maybe i will ride then too, to go pick ut up, except that i don't think that i want to because Fritz and I are walking to haggen and so that will be exercise and also will take up time that i could be using to study, and unless i ride down there in perfect time to catch the bus i'll just be sitting around doing nothing for so long.


i can not think of a worse weekend. quite truthfully. and they were all so bad to culminate in this horrible one. so, maybe that was the climax and now things can get better, and be better and i really do think that this weekend will be better because there is a surprise party that fritz almost ruined and there is a maybe girls night out with leg waxing which might be not happneing on my legs because they are not as hairy as usual. schucks.
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Tuesday, February 17th, 2004

Time:6:35 pm.
Music:drumming from the recording studio.
i'm at the computer lab.

I no longer have a computer, so everyone knows. well...i guess i own a computer it just isn't here and it's highly broken. i also just wanted to tell you that i am not going to be an RA next year, because I found out today. Weirdly, though, i was not disappointed and continue to not be. I'm not even lying to myself, it's a weird feeling. There are many reasons why I knew that I was not going to get it, namely that it all felt a little too easy. It felt like I didn't want it enough. Also, I didn't really want to do anything that an RA does, I just kinda wanted to feel special and make my parents proud and not have to pay so much money for school. But being an RA wouldn't have made me happy, and I generally feel a little too unstable to be some weird pillar of stability in a "residence hall." Other reasons: I knew that I wasn't going to get it because the Tarot cards told me yesterday. perhaps you don't believe me, but I knew after I did my reading that I was not going to be an RA next year. some people don't believe in tarot cards but i find that i do, and even in ouija a little bit. a little bit less, maybe, but a little bit. i think that everything that i "asked" the Ouija was true and that it predicted some things, and some things that weren't always obvious and that i didn't want to believe. i know it doesn't make a lot of sense, i do know that, but it makes a little bit of sense to me in a purely nonsensical way which perhaps means more to me. kind of like love?
p.s. u,clp(iyerta)!
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Friday, February 13th, 2004

Time:9:19 pm.
I'm at home! Yay!

I love my puppy dogs and my kitties and i don't have any pillows but i love my bed too! also, my house has more electronics that radio shack.
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Wednesday, February 11th, 2004

Time:10:03 pm.
hello there.

i feel like i am gaining weight. this does not make me feel good.
i am so upset with a large part of my existence and i feel so apart from everything that makes me feel real. and i really want to get into whatever it is that makes me feel most real. i just don't know what that is right now i guess, but i have some inklings of ideas maybe?

i have a lot of work to do but really i don't. but nonetheless i'm going to read a chapter, hopefully quickly and be in bed by 10:30.
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Monday, February 9th, 2004

Time:4:46 pm.
my computer is broken. lameo.
and really broken, in that i can't turn it on... hands are numb from bike riding. eeeeee!

i talked to tyler today, he made me feel so much better about the RA stuff. yay! he is just generally so nice and smiley.
i guess that's all.
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Saturday, February 7th, 2004

Time:3:53 pm.
I had RA interviews today, which was probably fine. i also did pretty well on this assignment for my ecology class which i got back today (he emails them) and my excitement for the night is going to be to buy a pop from the machine. w00t.

I also think that i am going to watch movies tonight with my wuitemates because i never ever do. and they always invite me. i mean, they sorta have to invite me because it's in our communal space, but i always feel bad saying no.

there is a supreme lack of things to say, which is why i never ever write. there is something in the water though. yep.
oh but i think i was going to say that i bought a death cab for cutie shirt and books from and i'm excited for them. woooohoooo packages!
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Saturday, January 24th, 2004

Subject:i hate it when people talk about me
Time:7:55 pm.
Music:the shins-turn a square.
i'm glad that dyan is my suitemate. for one thing, you can't be sad in front of people you're not that close to or they'll think you're psycho so i have to be happy for dyan.
i have some things to tell you that i wouldn't if i didn't write them here:
-my mom said that we are going to go to san fran for a few days because i'm not going to ny
-wwu is going to take away my meal plan on thursday if my mom doesn't call them because they randomly sent her back the check she sent and then told her that she didn't pay the check and then told me that i didn't pay my bill. sorta confusing.
-i miss my dad. even though he struggles.
-it's weird how things get passed to kids from parents. my mom says she starts to go insane when my brother acts too much like my dad, and i'm not allowed to play with my belly button.
-i'm going to go see a counselor on wednesday and i don't know what i'm going to say.
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Saturday, January 3rd, 2004

Subject:well fuck
Time:11:42 am.
snow messes with my entire life, and that is okay but not the day before i have to go back when i have people to see and shit to do. i guess i will have to take the jeep if all else fails but it is snowing really hard now and so that screws with everything. it's going to be SO COLD in bellingham. i do not look forward to this but i do look forward to a potential cancelling of class...hehehe...
well that thought just made me happy. i might be more inclined to want to go back to school if i didn't have to go to class. maybe.

it's not that i don't want to go back, i just don't want to go back right now.
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Time:1:58 am.
confession: i REALLY don't want to go back to school :(
writing that made me start crying

but not really because i already stopped. but that doesn't mean i want to go back to school.
moment by moment. that is extremely extremely wise, somehow.

sometimes obvious things that might just sound dumb saying them are the least dumb things to say. (like what i just said)

i like it here and i don't want to leave. also, there's nothing to go back to.
life as a house, always life as a house.
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Friday, January 2nd, 2004

Time:3:04 am.
it is 3:04 in the morning

you know that from the time, but i am just reitereating the absurdity of it all, especially since i'm not tired and haven't gotten enough sleep due to last night's insanity.
i have a secret for you to keep: i have a crush on someone...
but not really? and you already know that?
also, janelle is fun and i'm glad she's my friend, and i'm going to try really hard to be more laidback.
and i'm going to try really hard about other things too.
i look EXTREMELY different, in a perhaps not good way, when my hair is up and i have bangs, especially when i wear my glasses. but andi said it is cute and i suppose i'm just not used to it.
saying goodbye is so hard when you've just said hello. i really am glad i'm not saying bye to janelle. that might be too much. tomorrow my family is having my birthday party, yay! i like birthdays. i almost want to not eat anything though. maybe we can have a veggie tray, or something. at the moment, i am so done with eating.
maybe i won't eat anything at all tomorrow and then i'll be hungry when it comes time to choose what i want tom to bring home. even though i secretly want lasagna, but feel bad saying i do since i assume it takes a lot of work. bah.
okay, now i'm tired and i don't know why the fuck i'm still talking since i'm saying nothing at all.
also, fuck you. (woah, sorry, but i might just mean it a little so i'm leaving it. umm...i still love you though)
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Tuesday, December 30th, 2003

Subject:an adventure
Time:11:48 pm.
so, jennifer calls me to hang out with her and alexis and it was good times except for the fact that it is snowing like mad and i took my mom's car in the mindframe of it's olympia and it never snows and sticks and if it does it's like 1/2 an inch, and yada yada bad idea. well, it wasn't so bad because i just drove to jennifer's which is mostly freeway, and she drove me to alexis' and that was fine because she was 4wd and then on my way home i was doing fine doing fine hoping and wishing on 11:11 not to get stuck in a ditch and then i get into holiday valley and OF COURSE get stuck on the hill, and then my stepdad comes and he tries to get me up the hill and can't do it either, and then he pushes me up with his good little jeep and saves the night, so to speak.
Moral of the story=just because you haven't seen friends in a while doesn't mean you should brave all weather situations, nor does it mean that you should take the less safe car just because you like it better NOR does it mean that you should not listen to your mom when she says the car sucks in the snow, and basically, just don't drive in the snow if you're me, especially when never having driven in snow ever before.
good moral, i think.
ALSO, my bangs are much cuter than you'll ever be. i hope you're jealous... ;)
(you know i don't believe that, so don't worry :) )
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Subject:guess what!
Time:2:32 pm.
as of 5 minutes ago, i have bangs!
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Monday, December 29th, 2003

Subject:i don't really want to update. but i am making myself.
Time:12:33 pm.
yesterday was a piss-poor day. (i'm just going to say right now that i can't see thescreen because i'm more than a foot away from it so pardon any spelling mistakes/typos) i went to see a movie with my dad that was different than i expected and also was with only old people in the theater and they were laughing because it was completely geared towards old people. so, that was okay but worse than i hoped. Also, then (hey, suddenly i can see the computer!) we were trapped in the parking lot and i had to squeeze between two cars with about two centimeters of space on each side and it was scary. people are assholes to block people in. how hard is it to see that people aren't going to be able to get out. and there isn't really anything that anyone can do about it, barring stopping every movie and having a loud speaker or something. which i doubt they did. anyway, i could get out and i left but my dad had to wait around because there was no way his big truck was going to be able to go anywhere.
also, i have been generally feeling bad about myself. life is just a little bit too sad for me to get perspective or anything right now.
man, i don't even want to be telling this to you. which is why i don't want to update. but i do want to ujpdate, i just don't want to tell it to you. it feels too mediocre. it feels too honest, maybe. honest mediocrity is the worst.

sigh. i really did just sigh too. nothing has turned out how i wanted it to today. i went out to get the mail and i got a birthday card with no money in it which just made me feel extremely old. and then i got something from western and i thought it would be the thing i got last year which told me i had good grades and was on some dean's list or something, and then it was the goddamn bill and then the only other thing i got was a bank statement, which turned out okay because i saw that i gained money in both accounts, but only like 5 dollars or 25 maybe, or something. not all that much, but generally i just go from 100 to 2 dollars or something and it was good to have gained. but a generally disappointing trip to the mailbox nonetheless.

also, it is motherfucking cold outside. that isn't going to stop me from going to hollywood video and the bank. i'm going to rent movies and watch them, and it's going to make me happy.

fritz: would you care to watch donnie darko on sunday night? mayhaps after we eat dinner? that would be swell, because i really want to watch it, but since you haven't seen it yet (unless you saw it and i don't know) and it is good and i want your opinion on what you think happens, etc etc etc??????

i just wanted to say that before i forgot.

umm...yeah. last night i went on a quest to find a book to read and i think i have decided that i don't have to finish the book before i go back, it will be okay if i just read like 3.5 books this break or something, because all of the books that seemed like remotely good choices seemed maybe too long to finish. but, now that i think about it, i have a whole week just to read a book. which is actually a lot, considering i don't do anything else.

that was extremely not neccessary to tell you. damn it. necessary only has one c.
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Thursday, December 25th, 2003

Subject:you should definitely take this test
Time:8:49 pm.
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Blurty for Kristen.

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