Hilary's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]

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[26 Feb 2005|05:58am]
Well, I just figured out some interesting info. I talked to someone days ago but I was unaware of the people he spoke of: Mr. Weeks, Vantreese ... mmm... Counselors at Bethany Christian Services? How very kind to throw that in my face. This person knows what I have been going through, although he could never fully understand, and yet he still does that to me. I've never met someone so cold hearted. "You want your bohemith of an ice scraper back? Hmmm..How 'bout I give it to your counselor?" That's worse than immaturity. That's heartless. Thank you. Thank you for proving to me that there really are cruel malicous people in this world that you could never trust. Thank you for being a jerk so it's easier to move on. Honestly I don't know what your intentions were but I know that you don't care who you hurt. You play life like a game. But, I fold. I'm taking what I have and leaving the game table happy. And let me tell you, what I have is undescribeable. The only way closest to describe what I have is in the simplist way: I have people who honestly care about me. So throughout all of this I have been trying to make things better, trying to talk nicely, trying to remain friends...that's done. I'm not going to regret, worry, or question. It's just done and this time by my decision.
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[24 Feb 2005|09:02am]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

Predictions of my professor:
*Within 100 years Spanish will be the official language.
*Whites will be the minorities...a lot sooner than a 100 years
*The universal currency will be named the dollar but wil not be at the same value as an American dollar because that continues to decrease.
*(What's the act called that keeps everything equal between races and sexes with jobs and acceptances into colleges? ) Well, He thinks that will be gone within 15 years and Men will be hired over women because they golf from the same spot as they do. (There are men's tees and women's tees)
* Within 15 years we will be working a lot more for a lot less.
*Within 15 years it will be so hard to find a job that people will be thankful for finding a fastfood job.
and he said" And the thing is that many years down the road you are going to be so pissed off when you realize that the bald, fat bastard History teacher was right. And when you realize that I was right you will be Pissed."

What I think:
*It's quite possible that spanish could become our language. With the amount of immigrants the US has. And the immigrants who are here still use spanish. But do I have a problem with it? No.
* Whites basically are the minotities right now. There are more Mexicans, blacks ect. then whites in America. But we are not the minority yet because we still have more power. Being a minority doesn't have to do with numbers as much as it does power. But do I have a problem with it? No. Things change. Whites aren't better then others and because i believe that, is why i am not angry when thinking of whites becoming the minority in the US.
* First thing I thought when he said that was "That won't happen. It's unconstitutional." But then I remembered that that was the same thing I said about the law saying gays couldn't get married. (Proposal 2?) America is about uniting despite differences yet we outlaw some...So I fear that prediction.
*I definantly believe that. With the problems with the US currency decreasing and our ongoing debts more problems are sure to arise.
*I fear that prediction also but I see it as possible.

(ethnocentrism annoys me.)


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:) [24 Feb 2005|09:01am]
Does anyone know of anyone who is looking for a roommate this summer or next year for $300 or less a month? I'm looking for around GR somewhere or just closer to GR then where I am now. I probably wouldn't be too picky if it's cheap. But I probably couldn't room with someone who smokes...If you have something, Let me know. Thanks a lot. :) Always, Hilary
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I love this... [22 Feb 2005|07:00am]
What I must do, Is all that concerns me, not what the people think...It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independencs of solitude.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

And I love this one too...

"Wether you believe you can or can't...You are probably right."
-Pastor Paul, Res Life
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It's a wonderful day in the neighborhood, I wonderful day in the neighborhood... [22 Feb 2005|06:40am]
[ mood | optimistic ]
[ music | sweet silence is nice sometimes... ]

Well, yesterday I wrote an entry that was completely directed toward a certain someone who insulted me the day before but, it got erased and I took that as a sign. It's over and I have to move on. It will be easier now. I have to be the bigger person and just let it go.

Yesterday we had a game in Fremont and we lost. The girls were just out of it. They had the whole weekend and then a snowday as well. Some were not even there on Friday so they were four days rusty. And that ends the season. Friday is our party and we are all just going to hang out at Danielle's pool house. Hopefully we'll be able to use her hot tub and hopefully her brother doesn't hang out just because we use the hot tub. :)

Tonight there is open volleyball at the Cedar Springs Middle School from 7-9PM and I am going to go. I am so excited to play some real competitive volleyball. Kate: Would you like to come with me? Are you feeling better? It could be a lot of fun getting the fantastic duo back together. :)

Today I have no classes. Yeah! I'm hoping that I can go donate plasma with Tiffany today because I could actually use that extra $20 right now. I have to get an oil change, pay Diana $25 for the cell, get a pedicure for mexico, exchange $20 for pesos, and extra stuff for Mexico.

Mexico: Yeah! I leave next Friday! Which would make the count down 10 days counting today. I am so frickin excited. I am ready to jump on that plane and fly into warm weather. They say that sound or scent can trigger memories... Well, the other day I was at practice playing and I smelled something. I have no idea what it could have been. But, all of a sudden I was there in my mind. I was on the streets at night with the orange street lights as my only tool for visuality. (is that a word? visuality?) I could just smell Mexico. I was there. Oh by the way, Mexico smells good. It was definantly a happy memory.

So FRIDAY: I talked to Sara Lopez at school and she wants to hang out on Friday. I'm pretty sure we decided THIS friday so, Nicole Raterink would you like to come? I think we are just going to hang out at Sara's place in GR and then I'd stay the night and go to my class the next day. Let me know soon k? Cell:231-519-1671 (BTW: It wasn't wierd that you called me out of the blue. I thought it was sweet of you to think of me:) And I would have loved to go..darn o' class just gets in the way)

Saturday: I am going Salsa dancing! Man I am so excited! I need to dance :) (Tiff, we are still going right? Skye? Victor? ect?)

Last weekend was a lot of fun. Friday Kate, Nicole, Val, Val's sister, Molly, and Ryan E all hung out. We had pizza..mmm..mmm..good. haha-->"I'm just like Campbell Soup..mmm mmm good!" That was a lot of fun. I can't believe Molly ripped my magazine with her butt! And Saturday Kate, Nicole and I went to Ryan's Gig at Aquinas. That seriously was a lot of fun. I love going to concerts like that. Especially at College's...ahem...

Weeeellll...I will talk to you all soon :)
Have a good day and I hope it's full of laughter.
Love Always,

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Feeling after just talking to a certain someone: [20 Feb 2005|07:23am]
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[18 Feb 2005|07:14am]
[ mood | discontent ]

So I know I should be thankful for the offers but...it's awful to know that you will have to turn them down. One guy is the brother of the Junior girl at TC HS that she's been trying to hook me up with. I am attracted to him but when he called me he asked If I wanted to go to the bar with him and his friends, he just turned 24, and I heard him buy a pack of cigarettes. What ever happened to going on a date first? Now it's just, let's go to the bar. Smokey= nasty. And I think 24 is too old for me. I think that 22 is fine and 23 is pushing it so... Then i was talking to Kirk online and ...he has a child. A two year old daughter. And both of these guys don't KNOW me. They both saw me first. Then asked me out. Okay, any normal person would be like yeah, they are attracted to you, that's how it starts. But for me, it's a red flag. I feel like I need to put a sign on me. It would read "Girls who likes to have lots of fun, be goofy, spiritual, wants to go to church with significant other, virgin and waiting til marriage, has only drank once and really isn't into it, close with family, lives at home and still has a curfew" That way they don't get surprised. They know what they get. Then there would be a second sign that would read "Looking for: Fun goofy and intelligent guy, warm smile, Spiritual, close with family, doesn't drink a lot, waiting til marriage for sex, doesn't smoke, into athletics or possibly music, romantic, trustworthy, someone I can count on, loves themself but not too confident, handles things maturely, going to college or working, not judgemental, not racist, chivalrous" That would make everything easier. They know who I am then and what I am looking for.

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Ahhh... [17 Feb 2005|07:25am]
[ mood | annoyed ]

And the dickheadness continues...It's just a game. It's all just a game. Conflict. No conflict. Making conflict. Being a dickhead, Being a dickhead even more, Being Nice, and then being a dickhead again. Man o man...I thank God that there are some non-dickheads on this Earth or I would be going completly insane.

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[17 Feb 2005|07:05am]
[ mood | hopeful ]

Michigan weather is crazy. Just a couple days ago I walked to school and back from my parking space. It was so nice. And now the bloody snow is back. Last night I came *this close* to being in a 3ft ditch. Oh that would have been really bad. :(

Tiffany, I thought of you this morning. I thought "Hey. I didn't talk to Tiffany yesterday. What's up with me??" I got your message. :) It's so nice to wake up in the morning and have a message from the best friend. Yeah, we do need to go donate plasma. The extra cash would be helpful. Maybe we could go tomarrow. I don't know. I have to go get an International students card tomarrow from GVSU or Aquinas. And I don't know how to get to either at the moment.

So yesterday I was sitting in the library. I was studying vigorously and I saw this charming brunette guy walk through the door. He smiled and then walked past me down one of the isles. Bang! "Woops, dropped my book." Then he smoothly started a conversation with me and asked "Listen I'm heading out to get some dinner, would you like to join me?" My heart jumped and his eyes were captivating me with a suspensful anxiousness. I sadly said "I'm sorry I can't. I have to study." I was flattered and interested but lately boys and myself have been equaling heartache. He then said with an understanding smile,"Maybe some other time." I watched him walk out the door. Perfect pants. Twenty minutes later I was shocked when he threw a red table cloth across the library table and set chinese boxes and chopsticks in front of me. "You said No to going OUT to dinner with me so, I brought dinner to you." I smiled and picked up a pair of chopsticks, "You know, I don't think food is allowed in here." He looked at me, grinned, and says, "Oh, I am sure it's definantly NOT allowed in here."

Yeah I know. I don't live in a movie but, I can dream right? GUYS: Take tips from the movies. Seriously. Oh, I could also tell you the perfect flower to give girl...

(Atleast mine didn't involve speedos like Nicole R.'s...haha you crack me up.)

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Don't ask..but I am still going to write on here [16 Feb 2005|02:06pm]
[ mood | thankful ]

Oh my goodness. I just felt so sick and I have no idea why. I had to Leave class. I was planning on leaving anyways because I didn't study for my test but, I left early because my stomach was Killing me. (We can make up 4 missed tests at the end) But, I am feeling better now.

Today has been a pretty good day. today at Latchkey I layed on the bean bags on the floor with the kids watching "cock a doodle" eating my oatmeal and coffee. (drank my coffee) Relaxing. Than Camden and I played ERS and Rummy. (I am still undefeated in the Birdell family at ERS) (woohoo) Oh and I ran out of contact solution and I had to put them in water over night. So it was pretty blurry without my contacts to work/at work/and to Meijer where I then bought some more. It's only 3 bucks there!! But I drove and made it alive without my contacts and that I am thankful for.

I had a pretty good convo with a guy named Josh in my history class today. He has a girlfriend but supposedly it's okay with his nonjealous girlfriend to sit/ talk/ eat lunch with/ comment that she's good looking...with random girls. I inquired on that because hey, I probably wouldn't be cool with it. "Yeah honey. I met this girl and we had lunch and She's Hot." "oh that's nice babe." Nah, i don't think so. Haha but we had a good chat about religion, relationships, and trust ect.

So, I also had a good day today because I like my new hair. Maybe it's not totally different but, it feels different to me. I got a lot of blonde put into it and then the rest is a darker shade of brown then my natural shade. And it's all dark underneath. I wanted something different..and I have it. :) It makes me feel...glamorous? trendy? I dunno...

I guess I felt all around sophisticated today. I felt like my Aunt Bee actually. Which I don't mind. I wore my black sparkly turtle neck shirt, nice slimming blue jeans, and my daring black heels...When I was talking to Josh he said something about him having some friends..*wink*wink* and I asked some questions and said something about how they need to be mature though. I can't deal with immaturity. Goofy yes. Immaturity no. And he said "Yeah I can see that. I could tell." *smile* (He tried to steal my "sexy pose" picture...)

I hope I don't sound "arrogant" in this entry...there are just days when you feel good about yourself, you know?

I stopped and saw Nicole yesterday. That was fun. Even when I tell myself "Hilary, you're only going to stay for a little bit." A little bit turns into an hour and a half. haha. Two girls looking at pictures..ahh. The ones from Valentines Day:cute, crazy fun (walrus? horse/airplane race?). The ones from My House:funny, incriminating. The ones from Nicole's Bedroom: funny, seductive? The ones from New Years Eve: sweet, perfect, and overwhelmingly sad. I hate thinking of what used to be. But...oh well...what can I silly girl with a dream do, right?

Well ladies and gents. I am going to go home and relax. I am tired. Ry kept me up late again on messenger. Guilty.

Love you all...

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[16 Feb 2005|06:33am]
scratch that
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[14 Feb 2005|12:55pm]
*I found this is someone else's journal:*

It is better to be alone than in the wrong company.

Tell me who your best friends are, and It will tell you who you are. If you run with wolves, you will learn how to howl. But, if you associate with eagles, you will learn how to soar to great heights. "A mirror reflects a man's face, but what he is really like is shown by the kind of friends he chooses." The simple but true fact of life is that you become like those with whom you closely associate--for the good and the bad.

The less you associate with some people, the more your life will improve. Any time you tolerate mediocrity in others, it increases your mediocrity. An important attribute in successful people is their impatience with negative thinking and negative acting people. As you grow, your associates will change. Some of your friends will not want you to go on. They will want you to stay where they are. Friends who don't help you climb will want you to crawl. Your friends will stretch your vision or choke your dream. Those who don't increase you will eventually decrease you. Consider this:

*Never receive counsel from unproductive people.

*Never discuss your problems with someone incapable of contributing to the solution, because those who never succeed themselves are always first to tell you how. Not everyone has a right to speak into your life. You are certain to get the worst of the bargain when you exchange ideas with the wrong person.

*Don't follow anyone who's not going anywhere. With some people you spend an evening; with others you invest it.

*Be careful where you stop to inquire for directions along the road of life.

*Wise is the person who fortifies his life with the right friendships.

*I found this very interesting :)*
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Just can't explain it [13 Feb 2005|04:14am]
[ mood | pissed off ]
[ music | Eminem on the radio ]

Right now I just feel Pissed off. Can't explain it. There are just a bunch of things in my head that I am sick of, stressed out about, bored with, and too many dreams that at the moment I can not fulfill. And because of that I am pissed off. Finally I worked ahead and got my homework done by 4PM on Sunday instead of the usual 11PM and I should feel accomplished but I don't. Now, I can go back home and be lazy and watch TV? Any other time I am overjoyed with the thought of relaxing and being lazy. But I'm not right now. I'd rather go anywhere right now than to my couch at home.

One thing that pisses me off is my dad. What a wonderful, fun, caring, sweet, important, loving man that I respect unbelievably. I really do. But he gets in these moods. Then he's just mean and jerky. Not to me really. Mostly my mom. And that just makes me so angry. She'll ask him something normal or whatever and he takes it wrong and just snaps back at her. Then what was a nice-all-five-of-us-eating-dinner-at-the-table-thing becomes a Hilary-Bryan-&Camden-stare-down-at-their-food-until-the-bickering-stops-thing. Childish and stupid. Jerky and unnecessary. Then I feel pissed off because I am caused to wonder "Is this what my future marriage will be doomed to be?" Nice and loving one minute and then fighting the next? I'm determined that no, it's not going to be. Screw that. I am not going to have that in my life. If there's one person you should be able to count on to make you happy, laugh, feel beautiful, be completly honest but nice about it, to be goofy with, to be serious with, to be sad with, to cry with, to be embarrassed with it should be your spouse. You shouldn't always have to be cautious of starting a fight. It doesn't have to be that way. There are ways to get your opinion out without fighting. If you have compassion and passion for life and for your spouse than... there shoudln't be fighting then, right?

ooo...I'm going home.

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AHHHH!! [12 Feb 2005|03:56pm]
[ mood | overwhelmed ]

AHH! Have to get this homework done so I can have fun at the party! (Can't do it at home...Have to do it here at school!) AHHH!! Stop the insanity!

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Oh geez... [11 Feb 2005|06:48am]
[ mood | relieved ]

So today I got pulled over. She asked me "Do you know how fast you were going?" and I said "70?" and she said "Well, I had you at 67." I said "I was stupid and wasn't paying attention." I thought "oh geez...man o man..." She took my license and info back to the car and quickly came back. "Here's your info, watch your speed." and she let me go...Oh thank God. That is the fifth time I have been pulled over with out getting a ticket. I am pushing my luck.

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I really don't know what to write... [11 Feb 2005|06:47am]
[ mood | happy ]

It's 6:30 AM. Way too early. So early and I am so tired that I set my alarm clock for ANOTHER 5 minutes. YES, it was worth it. Today I have to find a stock on the internet that would be a good choice to invest in and write 3 reasons why. STUPID STUPID STUPID. Then I have to get whatever assignments I have for my online Early Childhood Ed. course done. I hate that stupid online class. So many tedious stupid assignments. Ha stupid is the word of the day I guess! I don't have practice tonight and that will be nice. But then we also don't have practice on Monday either. The HS is having a powderpuff volleyball game for the guys and it runs right over our practice and sense I have plans for Vday anyway I just cancelled it. So anyways, No practice, Pick my brothers up after school, study for my psych test,clean up the house because Nicole and Kate are coming over. Yeah! So they are staying over then Saturday I have a psych test. Then off I go to Skye's Party! yeah!

21 Days till Mexico people! And I am not bragging or anything, I need this. I need to feel on top of the world again in this land of chaos. Getting away, doing exciting new things, seeing all those kids again...will make me so happy. And I need it. And it's all I can think about lately....how it's so close. I'm going to be jumping for joy getting on that airplane.

So one of the juniors on the Varsity Volleyball team is trying to hook me up with her brother. Oh my...all I did was talk about dating ect. and BAM she's like "MY brother is single!! He's coming to the game and he said you were hot!" Oh geez...Anyways I had no idea who this guy was but , sitting on the bench during the varsity volleyball game I noticed a guy walk into the oppisite side of the gym. Khakies, football player build, button up shirt and baby blue hat. Then when that game was over and we switched sides Brandy (thats the girl's name) said "He's Here. Baby Blue Hat." I smiled and said "No way. I noticed him when he came in." The idea of getting "fixed up"..I dunno..I felt somewhat of a relief knowing that I had to leave soon and he probably wouldn't be bold enough to leave the bleachers and talk to me outside. That would have been cool though...:)
(I'm a nun. I'm a nun. I'm a nun. I'm a nun....haha)
(Oh. And he's not in High School. He's 22 or 23.)

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[10 Feb 2005|06:58am]
[ mood | released ]

Yesterday I had a wonderful feeling...Kate, Nicole and I were talking the other day and thought... Why is it that the best looking guys have a cold dark heart and the sweetest guys who have a great heart are overlooked? And the cute guys still get the girls just because they are good looking. She explains it better on her journal but, Yesterday I started noticing the guys that I usually wouldn't. You know? Those people that you kind of don't really think of just because you feel not as attracted to. And I kind of despised the gorgeous guy in my business class actually. I mean not a feeling of "ooo, I hate you" Not at all. Just a feeling of Less attraction and the thought of "He probally knows he's gorgeous and loves it." I need more than that. But, the wonderful feeling was looking past looks. I have never just looked just for the hot guys. I look for other characteristics too but, we're all guilty of..of putting looks first. Yes physical attraction is important. It is what starts it usually. And you do have to be attracted to the person you are with...but looking past that, talking to a guy just because he is smart and adds a lot to class or to a guy who sits next to you and makes you laugh...looking past looks is a wonderful feeling. :)

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I would just like to say... [09 Feb 2005|09:16am]
[ mood | amused ]
[ music | a whoopee cushion.."whoopee!!" ]

It feels great to finally feel like I AM in control of my life. I decide how I let things effect me. I decide my emotion. Having trouble concentrating in class? Ha, problem solved! Sleep more...how simple. It's something that gets quite overlooked when one is as busy as I am. Anyways, ha I do have control. I am happy, rejuvenated, ready to go! Ha to those who think I'm just moping around and Ha to my self-doubting chaotic self!

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[09 Feb 2005|04:17am]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

OH!! We're out of eachother's lives..Yeah...Which means I can write this..."..." Ha, no THAT would be immature. :) Oh, but he won't care because he's not going to read this...:)

Small things that bring me utter joy:
1. A new purse...the strange inexplainably materialistic joy that ones feels with a new item
2. Falling asleep early, getting extra sleep..
3. Writing in my journal...that feeling of "Done! What a masterpiece!"
4. Coming home after practice, after a long day...walking into the room where my brother is peacefully concentrating on homework...and start headbangin, playing an air guitar, yelling the lyrics to "Scars' by papa roach...and then him looking at me like I am crazy. THEN him saying "come work on your homework in here with me." and then with a serious face I say "Nah, I wouldn't be able to concentrate in here with you..hehe" he says "WITH ME??!!"
5. At the end being able to say "Screw it"...suddenly realizing that I can't solve it and it's OKAY..what a great release...

That's all for today...Have to work now :)


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Oh yeah oh yeah!! [08 Feb 2005|07:44am]
[ mood | rejuvenated ]
[ music | Scars: Papa Roach...I'm going to pounce each one of them:) ]

"I tear my heart open. I sew myself shut!!!" That's how it is.."I'm sorry but I've gotta move on with my own life!!!"

That so song just makes me feel better...head bangin, singin at the top of my lungs, playing an air guitar happy!!

Speakin of head bangin, booty shakin, soul skankin, boy spot'n...The concert was great on Saturday! Just me and Kate. We got to talk and It was cool, it was cool to realize that two great girls friends are actually envious of the other. I mean we all have our insecurities but we both admire eachother, you know? So this is what happened "Kate and I snuck into this concert. Skanked on the floor. Became "like this" with the band guys. I pounced on the lead singer. Kate dragged Luke into a dark room. And the guys signed our chests!!" Wahahaha!! At first when we walked into the door I was like "Man, I heard there were going to be college guys here...but now I fear that I may be assumed a petifile". haha..Kate is haha, Leave the poor KID alone Kate!! But then reassuringly we spotted "the butt" and knew we had came to the right place. All guys should where pants like Luke. I'm not just talking about the..butt... but literally the PANTS...he dresses good. But anyways She really did have to hold me back

Man, I can't wait for this weekend! I am so excited! Friday I am going to the girls house and we are going to get ready for the Big Day!! yeah!! I don't know what's came over me but, I've written 4 songs in the last day...I really haven't been able to write a lot since my sophomore year. Losing my grandma kinda just stopped my writing... But, lately, It's like the words are just rolling out of my mouth. I find inspiration everywhere. I hear one word and BAM out rolls a song...usually while I am driving too. HAHA...this is probably the most dangerous way to write but, Hey I've found my spot.
Now..my next goal... that's where I'll need time and devotion but, I'm willing to do it.

You know that feeling of everything is okay? And YES, it is is possible. I am not going to become someone who stops myself short using the excuse that "hey, Life's not fair"...Let's just get over it... I'm not going to wallow in this crap anymore that's been going on. Screw it. I have people around me that care about me. I'll never believe that all hope is lost. It's not my nature.

So yes I have the feeling that things are good. Some things are screwed up but hey, that's life. Life is a mess and I'm going to learn to organize. So if i have a feeling that i just want to go away...Well ha, I leave in 24 days. I get things straight here and then I go and have the time of my life in 24 days...10 days of pure "put the chaos behind me" in warm sunny mexico. Beach, Culture, Distance away, Sun, Caliente Hombres, Discotecas, FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!...the time of my life.

I will miss you girls while I am gone though...Tiff, Kate and Nicole, don't worry with all this talk of "the time of my life" haha..I WILL miss you and I will come back (UNLESS i find my L*L)..I'll put you guys in my suitcase okay? Tiff and Kate squeeze into my big luggage and then I'll where a huge sweatshirt and put cole on my back...I'm a hunchback HAHA... hehe Aha. Not only will you have to hold your blatter for about 8 HOURS you will have stay in a suitcase...Then i would have to explain why suddenly my hunchback disapeared once in Mexico...I'M CURED!!! IT'S A MIRACLE!!! haha...

Anyways... my excitement for the weekend is also because of Skye's party on Saturday!! Oh yeah..Hilary is stepping outside her normal safe box people. Be prepared ladies and gents.

Have a wonderful day. I'm determined to.

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