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[24 Oct 2004|08:36pm]
yesterday was homecoming. i must admit, it was fun.

i don't want to go to school tomorrow.
it makes me tired.

this is me...
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the tears fall

[17 Oct 2004|09:34pm]
so homecoming is next saturday. i have dress, and shoes. and i still ahve to figure out hwo i'm going to get my hair, makeup, nails, and jewelry done. it's giving me aheadache

and i feel like moping in self ipty because i wouldn't know who to ask, and i'm still a chicken and won't talk to the mysterious guy that probably wouldnt' even like me.

what the hell is wrong with me?
the tears fall

[12 Oct 2004|04:53pm]
so today in history maggie was screaming in my face about how stupid bush was and how i was stupid becuase he manipulated the americans by meshing together al qaeda and saddam. excuse me, ms. maggie, but mr. kerry did the same thing... and we don't know that they werne't connected and that he wouldn't have funded them... do we want to have taken the chance?

anyway. so she goes: don't you pay attention to anything?! i said, i suppose yelled "yes maggie, i'm just an ignorant idiot who doesn't follow the news" she didn't reply

and now i feel guilty.
the tears fall

[10 Oct 2004|08:04pm]
our house in the middle of our street.

new people moved in, but they're younger. but another new family's moving in too, so it's all good.

the new kid at school is still this mysterious mess in my head. and maybe that's why i'm attracted to him. but i don't know.

homecoming is the 23rd. stepphaine and i have been invited to go with heather, kelli mahieu, virginia cheng, sandy dang, shawn miller, brian seed, kenny, james, anthony, and their friends. id on't know about this entire date thing though... it doesn't fly with me, i would rather not have to stay because i have the date. you know? but i suppose it means i'm going. i'll go dress shopping next weekend? i don' tknow. i don't know.

friday we went to the westview game. right before the game started the power in the city went out. the game was postponed a good hour. and then the lights came back. it was their homecoming game, they had 10 minutes of straight fireworks, no joke. we beat them 45-3. when we were walking to my car, these guys were like: good game, and we talked a bit. it was cool, they were nice, not stuck up like the girls at the school. meghan asked if she could go with stepphaine and i, we gave her a ride and she ditched us. i feel used, so when she left i thanked her for hanging out with us...

saturday was virginia's birthday thing. it was ok. maggie was flirting with john *gag*

today has been wasted. we worked on the float, but it felt like we didn't get much done.

school is tomorrow, i really don't want to go.
the tears fall

[04 Oct 2004|08:34pm]
i hate people.

a lot.

that is all.
the tears fall

[01 Oct 2004|10:50pm]
we won the football game.

i had a headache and kelli tried to get me to dance. um no. john thinks i hate him because i ran against him for president... right. so i htink we're ok now. maggie's still pissed off at me, woopty doo. i was nominated for the toyota scholarship. meghan is drama. nick ewing thought i was his sister when we went to in'n'out; i felt bad because we hadn't invited cami.

i'm tired. i don't know what i'm doing this weekend. sometimes i just want it all to go away. and it won't, and i have to accept that. i suppose.
[2 see] the tears fall

I Want You To Want Me by Cheap Trick [28 Sep 2004|07:25pm]
I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I'd love you to love me.
the tears fall

[27 Sep 2004|08:57pm]
i don't understand how people can be against the draft for people ages 18-26, even if they're in college, male or female. i really don't. girls are always complaining of inequality in the system--we can talk, but we never had to walk. and i know many people will criticize, because they don't believe that women should be out there. but if we're equals, should it matter? and it can't be that bad. if i'm in the university studying biology to become a doctor, i'll work at the hospital. that makes sense. experience and application of knowledge. and the people who want to move to canada can leave. perhaps i'm overly patriotic, but i'm just irritated by hypocrites. no further comments.

on another note, i want a boyfriend period i feel lonely but i'm not desperate enough to throw myself out at someone. i don't know. i just don't know.
the tears fall

[22 Sep 2004|03:23pm]
today was ok. i'm tired.

people are pissing me off. for instance, maggie. i shouldn't give a fuck, but it's irritating. she's all bitter and pissed all the time. and going through this entire depressed stage. which is fine, because everyone has their own reasons, but i don't know. i just think she's being stupid, and going through a pity me stage--not a depression period--because it's "cool" and it'll give her some sort of attention.
she has a perfect family, a dad with a good job so that her mom doesn't have to work, she's good at everything, and most people like her. she isolates herself, because i try to be ncie and invite her places, but instead she just says no... and then complains that she feels left out. ok... so yeah, it's pissing me off because she's going through this whole what's the point of living stage. i went through that in 9th grade i think. and i must have been annoying as hell.

i don't know.
maybe i'm just irritable.
reminding myself that virginia's birthday is in 15 days i think. hm.

i've got to organize myself so that i',m not tired all of the time. i'm sports editor for the newspaper now. i don't know very much about sports, but i just have to edit work, so i think it might be ok. i have student forum tomorrow where i'll get to hear about that girl complain about the dress code, we'll see how that goes. and ib club on friday... where i don't know what we'll do. and friday's a home football game, shoudl be fun.

but yeah, hope the rest of the week goes well.
the tears fall

[15 Sep 2004|09:12pm]
finch is playing today. i could've gotten tickets, and i could've gone. it was only $15. it'd have been awesome. but i didn't sleep last night. except for the hour and a half between 2:30 and 4 am wher ei decided i needed to have some sort of rest in thhe dreadful night.

so everyboyd hates each other. a lot mind you. and it gives me a headache.

ms. trigas' class sucks. i hate history. i don' twant to study. i don't want so much homework. i can't wiat until college. until the world.

ujournal's coming back, but under some other name. i don't know. i have friends in that journal... but we shall see.

tomorrow estelita's coming. my cousin. none of my cousin's ever come here. and we're in school so it makes even less sense. but whatever. christina's birthday is on sunday, still have to buy her a present. friday i have that icebox thing. tomorrow i have to remember to talk to mrs. gammon about if i made it in as csf president and work on the icebox thing. i have a headache. and i have my senior pictures, yearbook pictures, on friday *gags self with fork* spare me.

i want to talk to soemone insightful. i'm bored with the people here.
the tears fall

[13 Sep 2004|09:11pm]
so on saturday i went to my sister's field hockey tournament all day. it was 100-some degrees out.

my mom wouldn't let me drive to la, because the heat would make me tired. so stepphaine and i didn't get to go.

we went to belmont park instead. it got dark and we decided that it was creepy. so we walked to my car. these guys went hey hey hey. so we just walked faster and locked the doors. i pulled out of the spot, and the guys pulled out of their spot. so now they're in front of me. they stop their car and then proceed to back up into my car.

it was so intentional.
and if it wasn't 2 girls and 6 20-year old guys it wouldnt' ahve happened.
stepphaine and i stayed in the car and told them not to worry about it.
we're not stupid.

and i dont' like how people take advantage of how stupid they think i am.

and that kid, the cute one... is either a junior or a senior because he has psychology the same period that i have history... and only juniors and seniors can take it. i should ask alex, because he's in that class too.
[2 see] the tears fall

[09 Sep 2004|10:39pm]
i'm afraid. afraid of growing up, afraid of being alone, afraid of not ever being me.

senior year is alright i suppose, no complaints except for the workload, which i put upon myself. i can't go to the game tomorrow because i have to babysit and i don't know how to say no. me: i don't think i can, but i'll let you know. gah. so i'll be hanging out with a 5th grader, but it's ok because she's nice at least... instead of watching the game and hanging out with my friends. ok. so i'm getting over it.

this year, nobody really has the time to tkae other people into consideration. we're all so determined to go somewhere, and it's taking us nowhere. we forget about other people, and there feelings, and step all over them to raise ourselves up. i'm tired of this whole competition thing. maybe i'll take a vow of silence and yeah.

english is getting better. i have to write a 600 word UC essay draft for homework. i think it should be ok/fun. interesting at least. it's almost like writing a journal, but my journals have been lame. i want my ujournal back, it inspires me. and i know people, well sort of, not really, but i do. and i feel like i have nothing to say anymore. like i'm not thinking and just going. but isn't that what iwanted? to go, not to think, not to feel? to make everything go faster? and it has, don't get me wrong, but i feel like i've forgotten a piece of me. and now i can't express myself for anything. english is interesting, niles sits next to me, and we're surrounded by band and drama people. and the people aren't bad, but it's just never ends. niles says that there's a roar after each comment the teacher makes. they just all start talking until the teacher tells them to quiet down. it's a trigger for a massive headache.

we had the student forum today. that's even worse. everyone's arguing the entire time. and some people just don't like people for the fact of not liking them. and they're rude, and disrespectful. how the hell do they expect to be leaders, leaders of club who wants to make a difference, if they don't respect themselves? it's rather irritating.

and even today in politics, nobody respects the country or the president. frankly, i don't give a fuck if people dont' like bush... it doesn't mean that they should be disrespectful. and maybe i'm overly patriotic, which i'm not... sensible and respectful is probably more accurate... like when people don't say the pledge. is it a statement that they're trying to make? trying to be an individual "go against the grain".... or maybe they're just doing it because it's "cool" looking. like when people cut because it's the latest fad. people don't know what they think. they don't know how to support their beliefs. they don't know what they would die for.

agh. i have too much giong around me head. i need another vacation.
the tears fall

[06 Sep 2004|07:45pm]
ok, so things are a little better than they were.

and i suppose i'll have to live with that.

but sometimes it feels like it all needs to go away.

this week will be better.
maybe i'll be able to breathe.
the tears fall

[06 Sep 2004|05:35pm]
i hate my dad. he can fucking go to hell.

and i don't want to babysit on friday, but i didn't have a good enough excuse not to, and i don't know. god, why do you hate me?

and right now, i'm overly unamused.
i want to take a knife and jab it through my skin, but i'm too afraid. and frankly, don't know what to do. and besides it might not be very healthy since i'll have to go around with a sweatshirt when it's about 100 degrees out... and i have to type 3 outlines. god, why can't you just let me go?

and i'm lonely, and nobody really cares, and it's all going to end i hope, soon.

i had a dream that the cute guy i saw at school... which is one in a million, until i decide i don't like him anymore, had a really nice girlfriend with something wrong with her leg, and so i couldn't like him anymore. and that's how the page turns, because nothing ever goes right.

ultra-pessimist because that's how it always is.
the tears fall

[02 Sep 2004|10:37pm]
I love him so tenderly

that i must
transmogrify into vapor

it would take spectroscopic analysis
to locate my molecules in thin air

no possible way of holding him
was close enough

nothing could cure this
bad case of gentleness...
except, perhaps

maybe if he swung me by the legs
split my skull on a tree...

would that ease this I N S A N E
wish to kiss his eyelids' outer corners and his temples,
as if
i would love up his brain

the blood has drained from my face and eyes
and flooded my heart

my hands emptied
my knees unstrung

i bit at the air for something worth breathing
i failed to fall

and i couldnt find the way to
black out

~Annie Dillard
the tears fall

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