| i still believe you when you say, its another perfect day. |
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| 01:02pm 25/06/2003 |
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mood:  confused music: the doors ~ light my fire
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well... its gonna be another fun filled day in the life on lauren. or not. After last night i don't know how mad i can stay at john. I cried for almost two hours last night. First time to cry in about 7 months, and when i say cry.. i don't mean a few tears here and there i mean a flood of tears that i couldn't stop. I sat and talked to aaron of all people till 2 in the morning about my feelings about john. HE kinda helped me realize that i'm not as bad a person as i sometimes convince myself i am. It just with all the shit about hurting him so badly when i broke up with him. I hate seeing anything in pain and i caused him so much that it just haunts me.
right now i'm babysitting and i swear to god i'll never have kids. Ever. I love these kids i really do.. but i have NO patience whatsoever...
know what sucks? the feeling that you have no control over a certain situation. I feel the control i have over my emotions slowly slipping out of my control. Everytime i look at john my heart seems to sweel and then skip a beat. Yeah, at first.. tried to convince myself i had some rare medical condition. But i'm beginning to think it could be the horrible "L" word. I mean i've told him that i love him. But its gettin to the point where i'm REALLY starting to feel it. Feel the fear of it. I'm scared... deep down to the bone scared of getting hurt like neal hurt me. Neal ripped my heart out and made me the wayi am today. Bitchy. I don't trust my own emotions.. isn't that sad?
well i guess i should actually babysit. More tonight... |
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| i'm not alone cuz the TV's on.. i'm not crazy cuz i take the right pills.. everyday |
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| 09:47pm 25/06/2003 |
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mood:  high music: jimmy eat world ~ sweetness
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suprisingly.... i had a good day. After i babysat i went and hung out with erica and watched her and john swim. John is so cute.. i wasn't going to swim.. so i just sat on the side of ericas pool and watched them and laughed. and he would just stand in the middle of the pool and splash me and be like "lllaaaauurrreeeeennnnnn swim with me" and then he'd give me those ADORABLE puppy eyes. *sighs* he has pretty eyes. Anywho.... after like thirty minutes of coaxing i decided screw it i'll swim. So i went and changed my shirt (cuz i CAN'T swim in my doors shirt i might hurt my jim) and i jumped in the pool in my shorts and ericas shirt. What i DIDN'T factor into the equation is i still had my bra and stuff on. But i had fun anywayz. but apparently when my hair is wet it looks like i have a mullet. So all i heard while swimming was "mullet: business in the front, party in the back" So anywayz... me and erica and john and will all hung out today. We did some stuff.. went to taco bell.. i ate like three tacos in three mintues.. i was hungry as a mug. Then we just all goofed off. Somehow we always end up back at a park. Me and erica love to swing. I always feel like i'm 6 and carefree again when i swing. I like having erica as a friend. We're alot alike and we just GET each other. and i can talk to her about john. shes his cousin so she knows what i'm going through with his moods and stuff cuz she grew up with him. I don't nkow about john. I liked him so much so quickly. and the relationship DEFINATELY hasn't been perfect.. but i'm waiting for the bad. I know its gonna come and its gonna hit me hard. He holds my heart in his hands and i don't even think he realizes it. When i went to Bilouxi... i MISSED him. I don't miss people. I've never missed my parents when i've been gone or missed any other b/f. but i was gone for 6 days and i missed him so much my heart seemed to hurt. Its a bitch of a feeling. Welp.. i'm gonna go eat. I'm hungry as a mug. i think thats the second time i've said that in this entry... LoL
peace,
Ren |
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