Freak . . Punk ass sissy I'm a freak. . .   
08:48pm 19/07/2003
mood: blah
music: taking back sunday ~ you're so last summer
wow... i'm on like a good day streak. Yesterday was so friggin awesome.. spent the entire day with john watchin movies and bein dumbasses. then today i was woken up at the friggin butt crack of dawn (aka 6:45) to go help johns mom with VBS stuff. we ended up at his dads house (which is full of children and a psychotic grandmother) and it actually wasn't that bad. but when i say his grandmother is psychotic i'm not joking around playfully... this lady is senile. granted shes 97 years old but she just says the most outrageous things. and apparently she doesn't like girls. well... that leaves me outta the will ;) anywho... we left there and went and cut bamboo. yes, i did say bamboo. they needed it to make signs for VBS. and by the way.. just so all of y'all know. i think i'm allergic to bamboo. THE ALLERGY QUEEN STRIKES AGAIN!! so helping out with all that really wasn't all that bad. i like johns family. they're awesome. specially his dad. his dad is just the kind of person you CAN'T help but to like. anywho.... i'm babysitting tonight cuz my mommy is sick. johns at a movie, sarahs at work, sean is dirving around aimlesly most likely, ricky just got home from a gig, angel is god knows where, and i'm a big fat loser.
has any1 actually looked at some of the moods on this thing? they're hilarious! i want to know what some of them mean... and i'm bored.. so i'm gonna look them up:
exanimate ~ lacking animation or to appear lifeless
morose ~ having a sullen and gloomy expression
quixotic ~ marked by rash lofty romantic ideas
recumbent ~ lying down
uh huh... yeah..... some of those are really weird. but then again... I'M really weird. well.. i'm off to scare children into sleeping aka i'm still babysitting. maybe more later.
lata playas,
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you could slit my throat , and with my one last gasping breath i'd apologize for bleedin on your shirt   
03:26pm 17/07/2003
mood: sick
music: korn ~ got the life
geez... been awhile since i updated this junt. not that alot has happened. cuz i live one boring ass life. Me and john finally worked things out. which is good. it was so weird around him for so long b/c he wouldn't touch me or act like i was there. and i was REALLY starting to get pissed. but we worked it all out. but i could've killed his step-dad yesterday. besides the fact that i despise brandon in so many ways he came up behind me when i was sitting in there kitchen and starts rubbing my shoulders.... (ok for those of you who DON'T know i hate being touched) so i'm sitting here being touched by a person i don't like and he won't stop and it takes all of my self control not to take his hand off my shoulder and be like "i hate you!" buuuuuuuut i do have some self control. anywho.. not alot has happened today.. i feel like shit. i guess i'll post tonight. maybe something exciting will happen.
peace playas,
and i'm bruised and broken.. from our head on collison   
12:05am 13/07/2003
mood: depressed
music: finch ~ worms of the universe
*sighs* i hate late at night... it seems when it gets late i just feel like shit. I feel useless. i don't know. I keep smiling but it never feels right. i hate feeling like this. I want to hang out with my friends and do things but it just doesn't seem the same anymore. everything feels weird and i don't know whats wrong with me. one.. i miss nathan.. he was like my big brother.. i told him everything and he was always there.. he's the only boy i've ever called crying and now that he's not there its weird. but i'm happy that he's found his place. even if it is in the air force. Me and aaron talked about alot of stuff. about me and him and what was and what never will be. he's agreed to back off in some of the more social aspects of our friendship. i don't want to lose his friendship b/c he HAS been my friend since 7th grade but i just don't want to feel weird around him with my b/f. i know john doesn't like him and i can understand why but.. i dunno. i saw league of extradinary gentleman tonight... shane west one one FINE piece of man. thats the only reason me and sarah went to see it. blah.. this journal has no importance but for me to whine in... any1 notice that? anywho.. gonna go be my boring ass self.
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the sky will never look the same, till you show me how it can be.   
11:06pm 10/07/2003
mood: giddy
music: koRn & limp bizket ~ all in the family
wow. awesome day. its a great feeling to walk up to a place and people just jump on you and be like "DONNELLY WE MISSED YOU!!" LoL thats what happened today when i went to the horse show. It was great to see shelli and mary and the horsies. *sighs* i miss the horsies. mary told me that if i come to the next horse show that when every1 leaves i can ride. its gonna be great. anywho.. the horse show was great. and jillians family... omg hilarious people. we were crackin jokes and laughin the entire way there. So yeah.. that was basically my day.. now i'm just sittin here, eatin an egg sandwich and thinkin. my mom went on this big friggin rant when she got home about how i never do anything and all this BS and i just want to be like "screw you.. i do more than you realize" but of course i can't say taht or i'll be in some serious hurtin. my moms a scary lady when shes mad. well yeah.. i really have nothing to say. i'm one boring chica.
later ballahs,
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The sky's still fire, but i am safe in here from the world outside.   
12:30pm 10/07/2003
mood: sleepy
music: new found glory ~ the story so far
*yawn* i hate when people call and wake me up. All i want is to sleep till noon people! just once! but noooooooooo my loving friends have to call and be like "WAKE UP SUNSHINE!!" *sighs* y'all better be glad i love all y'all. man, i really didn't fell like updating this junt last night. It was a weird night. Imean yeah i did the things i normally do on a wednesday night.. i went to church with john and we helped his youth group paint these wooden people things for their VBS class.. and that was ko0L. I love to paint... but i suck.. so i don't do it alot. But then i came home and john was finally able to get online and we talked about a lot of shit about my self confidence and stuff. I know i don't have high self confidence.. its not like i want it that way. I just didn't realize how much it bothered him. *shrugs* jesus.. i talk about john WAY too fucking much. some1 hit me. I should be doin laundry now. I GET TO GO TO THE RANCH TODAY!!!!!! sorry.. had to get that outta my system. I'm goin with jillian to see laura's horse show today. *sighs* i miss that place. I'm so friggin attatched to taht ranch that if somethin ever happened to it i'd go nuts. It's a great place, you just don't understand until you go there. It's amazing. beyond amazing.. as are the people that go there. I've met some of my best friends there. BUT i couldn't go this year. very depressing. but theres still wrnaglers at the end of the summer. I get to train the newbies *wicked grin* it's gonna be rad as hell. well. i'm gonna go do my laundry so i can wear my shorts out to the ranch. i'll post more tonight with all the details of horse show.
and I wonder when i sing with you, if everything could ever feel this real forever   
09:02pm 08/07/2003
mood: dorky
music: the sounds of kids and the TV
Man, today actually wasn't a half bad day. I'm psyched to have a computer back. It only took us a week and a half to fix it. Theres so much to tell and i don't know if i'm going to have the patience to sit here and type it out. So I'll give the readers digest condensed version. Fourth of July was good. I went and spent the night at johns grandma's with his family. She lives on this beautiful property in MS, so we rode four wheelers and shot off fireworks and i had tons of fun. The best part of though was being able to lay in johns arms taht night while we watched a movie. Its been awhile since its been me and him. Course we slept in seperate beds... even if our parents hadn't enforced that i would've slept in a different bed. I just wouldn't feel right any other way. I'm weird... i know. I also drive a four wheeler for the first time that weekend. John got it stuck in the mud and we had to go get his truck so i had the choice of drivin the four wheeler back or drivin his truck on the highway. I chose the four wheeler.. it was fun as hell!! So we came back on Staruday and i went and saw the violent femmes with erica, john, will, and my sister. That was kick butt cuz 7 $ sox was playin on the side stage. They're so amazing. It just blows me away. And justin.. he's a ko0L guy. He talked to my sister... barely even knows her and talked to her.. even told her hi from the stage. How cool is that? Anywayz... i guess that brings me back to today huh? My dorky ass brother woke me up this morning. He's a weirdo, chris is. so i cleaned and then went out with sean and richard. They're pretty ko0L people. minus the bad driving skills. We went and played mini golf ( i haven't done taht in FOREVER) and that was friggin hilarious. I've hung out with sean before but never richard. He's funny as crap. Then we went and got some chinese. God i love chinese food. Then richard decides he wants to drive seans durango (NICE car) so we went down some backroads. and i don't care what he says.. he does NOT have "mad driving skills" i thought i was gonna pee my pants he scared me so bad. and now.. i'm here... sitting here listening to the kids fight sleep. Maybe something interesting will happen. Buuuut i doubt it.

i'm not alone cuz the TV's on.. i'm not crazy cuz i take the right pills.. everyday   
09:47pm 25/06/2003
mood: high
music: jimmy eat world ~ sweetness
suprisingly.... i had a good day. After i babysat i went and hung out with erica and watched her and john swim. John is so cute.. i wasn't going to swim.. so i just sat on the side of ericas pool and watched them and laughed. and he would just stand in the middle of the pool and splash me and be like "lllaaaauurrreeeeennnnnn swim with me" and then he'd give me those ADORABLE puppy eyes. *sighs* he has pretty eyes. Anywho.... after like thirty minutes of coaxing i decided screw it i'll swim. So i went and changed my shirt (cuz i CAN'T swim in my doors shirt i might hurt my jim) and i jumped in the pool in my shorts and ericas shirt. What i DIDN'T factor into the equation is i still had my bra and stuff on. But i had fun anywayz. but apparently when my hair is wet it looks like i have a mullet. So all i heard while swimming was "mullet: business in the front, party in the back" So anywayz... me and erica and john and will all hung out today. We did some stuff.. went to taco bell.. i ate like three tacos in three mintues.. i was hungry as a mug. Then we just all goofed off. Somehow we always end up back at a park. Me and erica love to swing. I always feel like i'm 6 and carefree again when i swing. I like having erica as a friend. We're alot alike and we just GET each other. and i can talk to her about john. shes his cousin so she knows what i'm going through with his moods and stuff cuz she grew up with him. I don't nkow about john. I liked him so much so quickly. and the relationship DEFINATELY hasn't been perfect.. but i'm waiting for the bad. I know its gonna come and its gonna hit me hard. He holds my heart in his hands and i don't even think he realizes it. When i went to Bilouxi... i MISSED him. I don't miss people. I've never missed my parents when i've been gone or missed any other b/f. but i was gone for 6 days and i missed him so much my heart seemed to hurt. Its a bitch of a feeling. Welp.. i'm gonna go eat. I'm hungry as a mug. i think thats the second time i've said that in this entry... LoL

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i still believe you when you say, its another perfect day.   
01:02pm 25/06/2003
mood: confused
music: the doors ~ light my fire
well... its gonna be another fun filled day in the life on lauren. or not. After last night i don't know how mad i can stay at john. I cried for almost two hours last night. First time to cry in about 7 months, and when i say cry.. i don't mean a few tears here and there i mean a flood of tears that i couldn't stop. I sat and talked to aaron of all people till 2 in the morning about my feelings about john. HE kinda helped me realize that i'm not as bad a person as i sometimes convince myself i am. It just with all the shit about hurting him so badly when i broke up with him. I hate seeing anything in pain and i caused him so much that it just haunts me.
right now i'm babysitting and i swear to god i'll never have kids. Ever. I love these kids i really do.. but i have NO patience whatsoever...
know what sucks? the feeling that you have no control over a certain situation. I feel the control i have over my emotions slowly slipping out of my control. Everytime i look at john my heart seems to sweel and then skip a beat. Yeah, at first.. tried to convince myself i had some rare medical condition. But i'm beginning to think it could be the horrible "L" word. I mean i've told him that i love him. But its gettin to the point where i'm REALLY starting to feel it. Feel the fear of it. I'm scared... deep down to the bone scared of getting hurt like neal hurt me. Neal ripped my heart out and made me the wayi am today. Bitchy. I don't trust my own emotions.. isn't that sad?
well i guess i should actually babysit. More tonight...