Okay, I should let this drop, but I'm kind of bad at dropping something without a feeling of closure and if I don't get this out of my system now, I'll not get any sleep. >.<
So. Haley offers to run my Warrior in WoW around to get him through some instances, upgrade his gear, stuff like that. I accept happily, as I've not had a chance to do stuff and was a bit behind level-wise. I ended up getting invited to hang out with some folks, and texted Haley while I was out, getting interesting messages about the process and an apparent hairstyle change to my toon.
So I get home, log in and, being the stupid, socially-challenged wank of an as that I am...the first words out of my mouth to her should have been "Thank You". I logged in, looked over my bars, mentioning on Vent about tweaking them back (honestly, I didn't really have to do much, was just musing out loud). That was Stupidness #1. Stupidness #2 - While back, I had run an instance and gotten an armor set piece that I rather liked and wanted to keep. I should have realized she wouldn't vendor it - I knew she wouldn't, as I had mentioned before that I wanted to hang onto it. So, in all honesty I asked where it was. She said it was in the bank.
Swift moves, dumbass. She mentions the fact that she ran EIGHT instances for me and instead of thanks, I was talking about tweaking toolbars. And...I guess, without meaning to, I came off as an ungrateful prick.
I am EXCEPTIONALLY glad and honored that she would take the time to do this for me. But did I have the fucking brains to say so first thing?! No. Maybe I was still readjusting from getting to hang out with folks - something I've not done in a while. Xano's hair had been changed, and it was something that made me chuckle. She offered to pay to change his hair back, and sent the money, which I will promptly return. In all honesty, it was fine. I was amused by it (though the amusement was overshadowed quickly when I realized I had offended the girl I'm in love with. -_-)
She said she was "fine", was "used to it" and would "get over it". But...I feel like I need to atone, to make up for insulting her. Yea, it IS just a game. Maybe I shouldn't be making a big deal of this. But I insulted someone, even though it was unintentional and I don't know how to redeem myself for that. I do my best to try and not slip into being an asshole of a guy - the majority of my sex are thus, and I don't want to be.
Sadly, my open and rather naive way of thinking and speaking have proved to be a huge weakness (not the first time, nor the last, I fear). She said she wants me to drop the thing, that it's just a game and she will get over it by tomorrow. But...I always make up for my wrongs, as best I can. And I dunno how to this time. It's eating at me. I even had my roommate wahck me upside the head for being an insensitive twit (and his grilfriend had him hit me again, for her). She just...dounded so down. She's dealt with that kind of thing from other people, guys in particular, before. And I just shoved my peg closer to that group.
Swift move, dumbass. I'm going to TRY and drop this, really. But...it's gonna eat at me until I can get some sort of closure. It's not alright to let her think that the favor she did for me was unappreciated. It was VERY appreciated. But...I can't reword thigns, or go back and say, "Thank you so very much for the level and new gear! You rock!" I can say it now, but I doubt it will have the same effect. And I almost want to cry because THAT'S WHAT I SHOULD HAVE SAID FIRST.
Instead, I screw up and feel like the sincere apologies I offer are not enough. I would grovel on my belly if it would make up for this. Is it a minor thing? Maybe. Not to me. And yes, I'm probably being overly dramatic and emotional and erratic. I just...want her to know I am sorry for sounding ungrateful when I am flattered that she did the favor she did.
Maybe the apologies and after-the-fact expressions of gratitude are wasted and meaningless. But I hope not. Though, as I wirte this, some of the wording seems like it could be taken wrong and just bite me in the ass. >.<
What I want to say is this:
"Thank you very, very much for taking the time to lend me a hand. I am grateful and hope that I cna return the favor some day."
"I am truly and deeply sorry that I offended you. It was not my intention to do so. I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive this transgression."
There. Now, I can try and drop it and move on. I'd like her to see this, though it might be wearying, as she did ask me to drop the issue. Well, I'll try now. Just...need to try harder, I guess. Get this lead pudding of a brainpan to think and consider things more deeply (which is hard, considering my damn job requires so little brainpower somedays. T_T )
It's not the best, closure-wise. I want to be forgiven for this. Maybe I'm being stupid, but I've made it to a spot in my life I was unsure of reaching and I'd rather not fall back down the hill, so to speak.
And I'm rambling. But, as usual, the rambling has helped calm me down. Gotta move forward. If I can't make up for this, than I'll just have to do my best not to screw up anymore. And if I could get my hands on the people who were ungrateful to her, I'd knock them about the head and shoulders for being twits. And Fraoch is here to knock my head around for me.
. . .
Roommate dropped by and talked for a minute, which helps. I honestly thank my dear and fluffy Lord that I met this man. He has been a constant source of wisdom and insight (and dirty jokes :P) since I've known him. And I help him keep his head on straight, too, so it's a mutual thing. His advice just now - people don't always tell you how to make up for things. The best thign to do is to make sure that I don't screw up like this again. So I will try my best.
So, here's what I'm going to do. I am going to leave her a text, asking her to check out this entry and hope what I was trying to say gets through (and hope that I've not stuck my OTHER foot in my mouth >.< ) Then, I'll drop the issue and do my best to move on. And not do this again. I am pretty sure I'll end up eating foot again, but hopefully I can make sure I don't hurt feelings in the process. xP
Ja ne, minna-san.
~Zero, out (of words that won't sound redundant. To bed with me.)
((P.S. - Forgive spelling errors, it's 4 AM and I'm coming down from being emotional. The Grammar Nazi was shoved in a corner for the duration of this post >.< ))