Through the rain's journal

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Saturday, November 1st, 2003
5:26 pm - for the gothfians.....
well, ill post these amusing things later....... weeeee goooo gothfia....... it's basically a mix of EVERYTHING we are..... all under different names....

current mood: amused
current music: mitchell and dan

(watch the rain)

11:29 am - he said he was going job hunting and giving himself time to think
what am i going to do with this? gods..... i mean, yea i know i can change it, but this is just one more blow to everything.

for those of you who dont understand these last comments, it's very simple actually. i dont have anytime, as all who read this will know. and im feeling really really bad about demanding nick's time, actually, i feel like amber when i do, and you all know how i feel about her..... gods you've heard me freak out about it since last july, basically, and you know that i cant stand some of the things she does, you know how angry/annoyed/pissed/ any-emotion-youve-seen-me-reacting-on that makes me feel.

so im sitting around, feeling like every time that i get annoyed with him, i take it out on him, and thats not right, cuz i think im taking other stuff out on him subconsciously. im not sure what, but i think that i am. and to tell you the truth- this all gets to me way more than i think it should, so im thinking that it's either reacting with my exhaustion or there's another aspect to it.

and i think that that other aspect, which i do think is there, is feeding into my exhaustion. i can see that im acting like amber, that im giving him just as many headaches and shit. BUT I DONT KNOW HOW ELSE TO EXPRESS WHAT I NEED. anything else that i do is likely to not be noticed, so i come out directly and say it. and i can tell that some of what i say to him hurts him- how could it not? i mean, telling him directly that a girls needs to know that shes wanted, or that it feels like he's not trying to spend time with me, which is implying that he doenst want to spend time with me, has to hurt, and i can see that it does.

i dont know how to express myself if its not over the top. i dont usually recognize my emotions as so important before they go over the top, and i know that it hurts him, but once something small comes up into the whole picture, i dont want to react on small feelings- jesus.

where's the balance?

current mood: crushed
current music: its you

(watch the rain)

Saturday, October 4th, 2003
10:27 pm - after a night of babysitting
Look at me, you may think you see who I really am, but you'll never know me.
Everyday, it's as if I play a part.
Now I see, if I wear a mask, I can fool the world, but I cannot fool my heart.

Who is that girl I see, staring straight back at me? When will my reflection show who I am inside?

I am now in a world where I have to hide my heart, and what I believe in.
But somehow I will show the world what's inside my heart and be loved for who I am.

Who is that girl I see, staring straight back at me? Why is my reflection someone I don't know??

Must I pretend that I'm someone else for all time? When will my reflection show who I am? Inside, there's a heart that must be free tofly, that burns with a need to know the reason why.

Why must we all conceal what we think, how we feel? Must there be a secret me I'm forced to hide?

I won't pretend that I'm someone else for all time. When will my reflection show who I am inside?

When will my reflection show who I am inside?

This song has been stuck in my head all night long......

current mood: blah
current music: what do you think??????

(watch the rain)

Wednesday, October 1st, 2003
9:05 pm - i want i want i want
i want to deny the futility of everything

current mood: in denial
current music: my solo in a song for show band

(watch the rain)

Friday, September 26th, 2003
9:19 pm - ok so i lied
im so NOT posting everything here... if you want to read it you know where to look, www.blurty.com/~who_i_am_not....... so just go there. and no i dont know who im gonna give this to, but jeffrey, maggie, for all of your journals, this is the name that ill be updating on, so this is the name that needs to go on your friends list. but im not deleting the old one so its all good.

now that im done with this thoroughly unexplanatory entry, i think that im gonna go do something else.

current mood: confused
current music: im a believer

(watch the rain)



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