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Sunday, May 30th, 2004
11:45 am - *gotta let it burn* -why love if losing hurts so much?
wow...I must say, May is now my LEAST favorite month! I'll be happy when it's September to get away from all of this. Don't you just love waking up to people yelling? I know I do...not! and it's like this month won't end!!! The days go by SO slow and I have no life cause I'm alone. Like it's fun to go out to the bars and dance and drink but it's expensive and I'm always sick from the smoke...I'm going to die from second hand smoking. So, there's one more day left in this month...hopefully things will get better...cause that's all I've been running on lately, hope. The music I listen to doesn't help either...everything that's out now reminds me of good times with "you know who". Especially this, I heard the song and the lyrics...I think the beginning is exactly how he was feeling...but it still's the lyrics:

I don't understand why
See it's burning me to hold onto this
I know this is something I gotta do
But that don't mean I want to
What I'm trying to say is that I-love-you I just
I feel like this is coming to an end
And its better for me to let it go now than hold on and hurt you
I gotta let it burn

It's gonna burn for me to say this
But it's comin from my heart
It's been a long time coming
But we done been fell apart
Really wanna work this out
But I don't think you're gonna change
I do but you don't
Think it's best we go our separate ways
Tell me why I should stay in this relationship
When I'm hurting baby, I ain't happy baby
Plus theres so many other things I gotta deal with
I think that you should let it burn

When your feeling ain't the same and your body don't want to
But you know gotta let it go cuz the party ain't jumpin' like it used to
Even though this might ruin you
Let it burn
Let it burn
Gotta let it burn

Deep down you know it's best for yourself but you
Hate the thought of her being with someone else
But you know that it's over
We know that it's through
Let it burn
Let it burn
Gotta let it burn

Sendin' pages I ain't supposed to
Got somebody here but I want you
Cause the feelin ain't the same by myself
Callin' her your name
Ladies tell me do you understand?
Now all my fellas do you feel my pain?
It's the way I feel
I know I made a mistake
Now it's too late
I know she ain't comin back
What I gotta do now
To get my shorty back
Man I don't know what I'm gonna do
Without my booo
You've been gone for too long
It's been fifty-leven days, um-teen hours
Imma be burnin' till you return (let it burn)

I'm twisted cuz one side of me is tellin' me that I need to move on
On the other side I wanna break down and cry (ooooh)
I'm twisted cuz one side of me is tellin' me that I need to move on
On the other side I wanna break down and cry (yeah)

So many days, so many hours
I'm still burnin' till you return

Gotta let it burn

I know he said that he didn't have any feelings for me left...and I still don't understand how what he had can change like that so suddenly. but, it's been a month and I know I should move on cause he's not going to change. Somebody asked me if I actually missed him, or if I just missed having someone...

I this is the longest entry I've ever done. ok, that was my little venting session...last night was interesting...that's a LONG story...and I have curly hair! I love it! I think it might stay...we'll see how things go. and Jen went to the Circus and got this Magic Stick and it's SO COOL! lol I'm a loser...

ok, time to go...hopefully this month will end soon enough...

current mood: crushed
current music: Burn - Usher

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Thursday, March 25th, 2004
11:48 pm - *meh*
Well another few days gone and things seemed to be alright...I have my audition tomorrow :s...I don't think I'm ready but meh.

Tonight was fun! Jason came over and we chilled and my computer got fixed and all is well in that least I thought it was :(

Anyways...I have to go to bed so I can spend all day practising for the audition and ya...I'll be home Saturday night if anyone has anything planned!

*much lovin Jason*

current mood: crappy
current music: Blister in the Sun - Violent Femmes

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Tuesday, March 23rd, 2004
4:20 pm - *I knew I loved you before I met you*
Good old Savage Garden...all my songs from the past 5 years are on my playlist fun!

This one was actually going to be my wedding song at one point (not nearly as much fun as Steph's wedding song but hey, it's cute!)

So I went to drop off a resume at White Rose today and they hired me, go figure. So now I work full time at White Rose and Part Time at The Bay...mad cash for Uni baby!

My audition practise is going well. I have most of the songs down, just a few more days and it'll be perfect...I still can't help being nervous tho :S

I'm in such a good mood :) so far this day's been going great! I hope it doesn't stop.

Time to shower...cheerio
-love you Jason *muah*

current mood: hyper
current music: I knew I loved you - Savage Garden

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Monday, March 22nd, 2004
11:28 pm - *I'm sorry*
Jason, I love you so much! I'm sorry I betrayed your trust and I'm sorry about anything and everything I ever did that I shouldn't have. You deserve better than what I did and I don't know what I can do to make it better, but I'm going to try because I don't wanna lose you.

On a happier note, Steph and I are going to invent "dijon ketchup" so we can make a million dollars. It should be fun.

This journal is fun, I think I'm going to write in it more often.

And my Brithday is only 39 days away :D I'm soooooooo excited!

That's all for now...time for some hardcore nintendo before bed ;)

*peace*? lol

current mood: groggy
current music: Linkin Park - Meteora

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Thursday, March 18th, 2004
2:22 am - *how can I trust you??*
I ask you a question and what do you do?
You tell me stories that make me believe you.
I trusted you with all my heart,
and you turn around and break it.

current mood: irritated
current music: nothing

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Friday, January 23rd, 2004
10:46 am - *Happy Birthday Mom*
So yesterday was my mom's birthday and we made sure she had a good one. It was fun.
Just thought I'd update this cause I havn't in a while.
I'm having a lot of thoughts in my head that aren't too good. There a re ppl I care about that have problems that I can't solve and I really wanna help them and make a difference but I can't. Some of them are wanting to move away and I doubt I'll see them again. It's sad. I thought I could trust these ppl. We're friends but they've changed me (made me a better person in ways) but in ways they're bad influences. I don't know what to do about it. I've thought about it before but now it's a permanent thought.
*what to do?*
anyways...*missin you*

current mood: depressed
current music: Christina Aguilera - Stripped Album

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Monday, November 3rd, 2003
9:48 am - *I feel like I can fly when I stand next to you*
I had an amazing weekend with my boy. I went to visit him at work and was there for two hours! we spent Halloween together and "all" day sunday. I'm still getting used to the way he talks to me. It's strange to hear someone talk to you as if you're perfect when you think you're not. Hearing things like "sexy" and "hot" are not things I'm used to hearing and it's making me feel good about myself but not at the same time. It makes me feel like I don't deserve someone who can see past my flaws. Steph sais it's something I'm gonna get used to but I dunno. I don't like these thoughts, but I do.
*very confused*
I'll get over it. But in the mean time, we're furthering our relationship and I don't plan on ending it anytime soon. We'll see what the future holds.

current mood: blank
current music: Calling you - Blue October

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Monday, October 27th, 2003
11:49 pm - *I wanted to fly, so you gave me your wings*
Today was AMAZING!! He's now my b/f which is great great great! and all the reasons I wanted to start this journal for in the first place are now unimportant. Things are great!! I'm gonna rant again so I'll stop.
My creepy co-op teacher's commin in tomorrow and he's got me all freaked out and getting my work done (which is good) but I'd rather spent time with my Jason!
<3 awww muffin!
*looks like I won*

current mood: indescribable
current music: Michelle Branch - You Set Me Free

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Saturday, October 25th, 2003
1:10 am - *Last night*
Last night was great! And I don't think I've ever been as happy as I am now. It might just be the first day kinda feelings but he's great and I dunno what's gonna happen but I'm happy with how things are going right now....if I continue on I'll just be rambling so I'll stop now.
*miss you*

current mood: happy
current music: you're just too good to be true - Fugees

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Wednesday, October 22nd, 2003
1:26 am - *HaPpY BiRtHdAy DaN*
Last night was great!!! OMG!!! we went to Jack Astors for dinner and Dan stood on the chair and everything! It was "super" fun! Then we were full and were supposed to have cake at my house but we couldn't eat it. *lol* I love my friends. They're great! sometimes they use each other and who doesn't. It's human nature. That's something that bothers me. Just thought I'd say that. Anyways, talking to my boy on msn.

current mood: chipper
current music: Fever for the flava - Hot action cop

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Tuesday, October 21st, 2003
1:01 pm - *sorry I can't be perfect*
Well, this is my journal. Nothing too exciting. I prolly won't give this page out to anyone becuase it's just my personal thoughts and this is somewhere I can talk about it and not worry about ppl finding it.
I have a lot of toughts in my head that need to be cleared up. There are ppl that I don't understand and no one to talk to about them. I have feelings I can't talk about to ppl and it bothers me sometimes.
I really don't understand why ppl can be so unwilling to change. I've tried everything I can think of you help them but they don't wanna see the good and see around major obstacles in their lives. It's so frustrating to love someone and want to help them but feel like you're drowning in your own efforts. I can't even tell them how much they mean to me cause they don't believe it.
I often solve my problems by ignoring them but this problem has touched me deeply and there's no one to help either of us through this.
Very frustrating!! don't know what to do...guess I'll turn to my usual outlet...but I don't want to ignor you cause you're too good of a friend...what to do??

current mood: contemplative
current music: random downloads *yay cable internet*

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