10:03pm 27/06/2004
  I didn't want this. I thought it was the last thing I would possibly want. It's funny how things can change in two moments. One minutes we were laughing as usual and telling each other to shut up, the next we were kissing.

We're hardly away from each other. It's so intense. It's like a rollercoaster, both wonderful and scary. And I can't help thinking "What is he doing with a girl like me?"
 
     
It could be sweet| like a long forgotten dream.
 
   
03:59pm 19/05/2004
  The last few months with him have been lovely, but I realize he is not for me. No no.

We were there for each other to hold and love and move on from past people, but we are from two different worlds and I can't change that. This was only meant to be temporary from the beginning, really.

Now I have an offer. A really big offer. Instant security. But I don't know if I am ready for it.
 
     
It could be sweet| like a long forgotten dream.
 
   
02:11pm 21/01/2004
  Lovemaking with a sweet boy is so relaxing.


Went down this weekend. Returned yesterday. No, I don't know where this is going and I'm not worrying about it.
 
     
It could be sweet| like a long forgotten dream.
 
   
12:27pm 02/01/2004
 
mood: anxious
He wanted me to come to fredericton and stay with him last night, but I wasn't up to it. I had plans I couldn't really break anyway. I don't know. He seems to have this thing for Phil's sister. I don't know what to think about it. She's 25, a school teacher, an artist, and lives in Montreal. How does one top that?

He said he'll probably come in for the Hospital Grade release. I can't wait to see him. Then I'll know where this is going to go I guess.

..............

I semi picked up someone from UNBf on New Years. I was hoping he'd forget about me, but I see he's added me to his msn. He seems genuinely sweet, and my cousin said he doesn't normally take to girls like he did me because he's shy. I feel guilty. I was drunk and not thinking. At least we didn't sleep together. That would have been horrible.

............

I seem to be taking all electives next semester. Stupid schedual. I wish I had have thought ahead better.
 
     
It could be sweet| like a long forgotten dream.
 
   
01:02am 26/12/2003
 
mood: pleased
I can't help feeling a little extra good about this because I know Randy was jealous of him right from the start. I know that's cold and I know that's wrong, but I've been treated like some shame enough that t keeps me from caring.

I think he's sweet, and he's fun and it's so so funny that we're hitting it off just when I needed it.

The sadness never really goes away, and neither does the love, but...

It jsut feels so good to start slowly all over again with someone new.

Somebody must have took off his halo and sent him down here just for me.
 
     
It could be sweet| like a long forgotten dream.
 
   
11:39pm 13/12/2003
 
mood: anxious
music: Alicia Keys
My miscarriage started early thursday morning. I'm taking a urine pregnancy test tomorrow to confirm it. My HCG levels should still read as positive if I was/am indeed pregnant. I just want to know so I can go through the emotions and heal. I won't tell Randy what has been going on until I get confirmation.

We were so careful. I'm not sure how this happened, but it has.

How ironic it is that I lose our pregnancy just after losing the relationship.
 
     
It could be sweet| like a long forgotten dream.
 
   
12:22pm 19/10/2003
  Better, worse, better... WORSE



I love you so much it makes me cry.
 
     
It could be sweet| like a long forgotten dream.
 
   
07:08pm 03/08/2003
  You look after everyone but me.

I feel like I've done everything possibe.
 
     
It could be sweet| like a long forgotten dream.
 
   
10:47pm 10/07/2003
  Randy just talked for about 15 minutes straight without breating. He's so happy about recent events. He told me he probably would have killed himself if things had of kept going the way they were. Then he laughed.

I can't imagine losing him. My world would go out like a light.

We have a date. He's going to come get me after work and our evening will be filled with cuddling on the couch in front of a few flicks that we plan to aquire at blockbuster.
 
     
It could be sweet| 2 don't wanna lose | like a long forgotten dream.
 
   
08:01pm 09/07/2003
  I went uptown with Randy in hopes of finding him a job. I think we were sucessful. Him and his mom need it so bad. I just want my little borrowed family to be happy, healthy, and safe. I really think this will be good for him. He spends a lot of time alone feeling sorry for himself and it worries me. He also has had some other good things come up music wise that I am sworn to secrecy about. When things look up for him, it makes me happy.  
     
It could be sweet| like a long forgotten dream.
 
   
12:38am 06/07/2003
  I WANT TO BE SPECIAL TO YOU. ME ME ME ME. NOT THEM. YOU CAME BACK HERE AND MET ME. SHE LEFT YOU!  
     
It could be sweet| like a long forgotten dream.
 
   
06:27pm 05/07/2003
 
mood: optimistic
Started the paxil. I feel like a walking cliche. It does make me not want to eat already however so hopefully I'll be able to sneak back into my underweight self. Between the change in my moom and the possible change in weight, I might be able to be who I want to for once.
 
     
It could be sweet| like a long forgotten dream.
 
   
12:59am 29/06/2003
 
mood: contemplative
Randy doesn't seem to understand that I won't run out on him, and Jordan thinks he has some chance with me. He might if life had taken a different course. Why not? Nice guy, friendly, enjoys a good flick, enjoys spoiling me. What he does not know is my favorite past time is being in the arms of my *supposed* ex-boyfriend. And it's true, he's not really a boyfriend anymore, but still very much a significant other who I love and whose company I adore. I sat here tapping my fingernails waiting for Jordan to arrive and I ended up with the urge to call Randy and secure time with him tomorrow. And that is what I did.

I don't want this new person in my life who has to learn who I am. I don't want to have to watch some stranger's pain when they see who I am and what my life is. Meeting new people, and then having those people wish to obtain a close relationship with me is stressful. I can't do it now until I can be certain that there is no longer a chance of them being exposed to certain aspects of my personality.

I had no intentions of falling in love again and being unable to detatch, unwilling to detach at that. But this is the way the last 2 years have taken me and now that I'm here I don't really mind.
 
     
It could be sweet| like a long forgotten dream.
 
   
11:11pm 27/06/2003
 
mood: sleepy
Prom was semi-boring for me and extremely lethally boring for Randy. Afterwards we hit my house with some Wendy's take away and some friends in order to change and grab some camping gear. We drank until 4 am at my friends place in Red Head, who was gracious enough to hold a private party. Randy and I crawled in our tent, and although exhausted we managed to busy ourself until sunrise ; )

I'm a hopeless romantic. my favorite part of the whole night was him asleep against me, listening to the morning's first birds chirping. We slept the morning away, but whenever I awoke his arm was around me.

Maybe things will work this way afterall.
 
     
It could be sweet| like a long forgotten dream.
 
   
12:50am 22/06/2003
  Bed now. he hasn't come back yet. Why did I wait up for no reason? I didn't need anything that couldn't wait until tomorrow. It's funny how bordom makes everything necessary to be done right now.  
     
It could be sweet| like a long forgotten dream.
 
   
12:47am 22/06/2003
  Call, or wait? Why am I still awake? Why is this important to me right now? If I was asleep, it wouldn't matter.  
     
It could be sweet| like a long forgotten dream.
 
   
10:56pm 16/06/2003
 
mood: sad
Tonight Randy's mom's boyfriend passed away. He was close to Randy and the kids. He was a truck driver, so his lifestyle consisted of greesey foods, little exercise, and the kind of legal speed those folk take. He also loved his booze. Heart failure. He died during open-heart surgery. He had his vices, but he was a standup guy who seemed to do everything in his power to look after those guys. This is so hard. I love Randy so much and I can't stand to see him hurting. I want to take it all away so badly. I just want to wake up and have this all be his bad dream. I feel sick. When I left him he had had his face in his hands for 45 minutes. Randy doesn't cry, but I wish he would. I always wonder if it would help. I'm going to be sick.
 
     
It could be sweet| 1 don't wanna lose | like a long forgotten dream.
 
Undead undead undead   
09:44pm 14/06/2003
 
mood: annoyed
music: Bauhaus - bela lugosi's dead
I don't understand why he doesn't realize that it's hard on me when his sixteen year old friend with a bad attitude is forced to be around me. I've tried to be nice to her, but she can't help but make smart alec comments to him. The child needs a smack is what she needs so she can drop this "I'm so alternative and cool, please pay attention to me." The girl has a nice side to her and she seems reasonably intelligent, she just needs to drop the bullshit and maybe I wouldn't be so darn uncomfortable around her. "I want you to stay" he says. "I'll talk to her" he says. Why doesn't he just avoid putting us around each other. I don't want to tell him who his friends should be, but sometimes I think he's a blooming idiot on this one.
 
     
It could be sweet| like a long forgotten dream.
 
   
09:28am 09/06/2003
 
mood: contemplative
Yesderday evening he stopped at my house on the way to Scotti's. We sat on the couch and talked and all of a sudden he says, "I meant to give you a hug before you left (friday), but I went to the other room for a sec and you went out the door too fast." Why is he saying this, I thought. It's no big deal. Why mention it? "Well, hug me now," I said. We did, but then I just stayed there against him because he didn't take his arm from around me. We just lazed there and chatted, but it felt so good to be squeezed and carassed a little. This is the first time through the past couple weeks we've been able to do that.

I don't know what to think anymore. I know he's just doing his best and trying to let me know things are okay, (different, but ok) but I don't know if they are or if they will be.
 
     
It could be sweet| like a long forgotten dream.
 
   
10:29am 08/06/2003
 
mood: confused
This is too soon. This is Vanessa. This is what she does. This is not me.

I'm too afraid to even be friends. I'm scared he doesn't fully understand that I am not availible for conquest, that I love someone else and that I cannot do this now, and maybe not ever. Being in his car made me think that although I was having fun, I would much rather be asleep in bed with my jobless, carless, emotionally fucked yet completely wonderful man.

I just wanted a friend in him. I don't want to be anyone's new interest. I'd rather be a re-newed interest.
 
     
It could be sweet| like a long forgotten dream.
 
   
09:00am 02/06/2003
  I want to make myself into someone new so I can be loved.  
     
It could be sweet| 1 don't wanna lose | like a long forgotten dream.
 
   
09:32am 31/05/2003
  I want my boyfriend back. The one that held me in my sleep and made me giggle and kissed my forehead for no reason.

Why can't we go back to the beginning when we were happy.
This just isn't fair.
 
     
It could be sweet| like a long forgotten dream.
 
   
10:12pm 30/05/2003
  WHY CAN'T ONE FUCKING THING WORK FOR ME.

WEAK WEAK WEAK.

STUPID BITCH. STUPID BITCH. STUPID BITCH.

I wish I was dead.
 
     
It could be sweet| like a long forgotten dream.
 
   
05:55pm 30/05/2003
  He has claustrophobia in the worse sense. Everything has been because he can't be physically confined.

I don't know what to do. I'm terrified of losing him because he can't get past this.
 
     
It could be sweet| like a long forgotten dream.
 
   
09:25am 30/05/2003
  I see he posts friend only entries, and since she's the only one on his friends list.

How fucking cute.

I am so sick of being fucking second best to a little 16 year old twat who sticks her nose where it doesn't belong.

If he lies to me, I'm taking a kitchen knife to him and I don't care what happens after that.
 
     
It could be sweet| like a long forgotten dream.
 
   
03:56pm 29/05/2003
  Why is it that I'm the only one who sees the good qualities? And why can't you conform just enough to show the outside who you are?  
     
It could be sweet| like a long forgotten dream.
 
Gave it all away   
09:09am 24/05/2003
 
mood: sleepy
music: Pantera - Cemetery Gates
I spend a lot of my time with him together sleeping. Considering he has the best bed on earth, I never mind. Yesterday however we slept in until 2 pm, and the majority nof the time I was pinned to the bed by his body in an uncomfortable position. Now my legs hurt. However, it was worth it considering he's not usually that cuddly in his sleep unless it's those few minutes before he wakes up that he's just plain being horny. Those moments, I appreciate less.

We woke up and Scott called saying he'd be by soon. We went to his house and I played with the pets while Scott and Dave ate barbequed piles of animal. Ben and Dana showed up and after that a crazy car chase ensued. Dana and Ben in Dana's car followed us in the van around the city on various errands: The bank, liquor store, Morris Music, Scotti's apartment, My house, Lisa's house. All the while the boys decided to honk back and forth at each other, annoying every other driver on the road. On the way to Lisa's house however, we lost Dana and Ben as they practically drove as far as the airport. We then had to chase after them, find them as they passed us in the opposite lane, and then get everyone turned around.

We finally made it to Scott's and Scotti got a warm fuzzy fire going. Dana's car arrived a little late as Ben had broke the passenger door. There was good people around: Scotti, Ashley, Jeremy, Lisa, Sarah, Dave, Scott, Dana, Ben, and of course myself and my hip attachement. Dana offered to run Randy to his house to grab his guitar and I offered to go get marshmellows. Ben insisted on coming with us and Randy spent a good 5-7 minutes trying to convince him not to join us. See, as Dana quietly explained to me while the other two argued, Dana's car is not the greatest and Ben (much as we love him) must be pushing 350 lbs or more. Dana said that Ben already destroyed the suspension on one occassion and the reason the door had it's little accident was also due to the force of Ben's weight. Of couse Ben ended up with his way. The travel was a safe one at least.

It took about 30 minutes before anyone got adventurous to find some sticks suitable for marshmellow toasting. Of course I had no part of this stick gathering because I'm lazy as fuck, so our resident boyscouts Scotti and Randy had to go to it. The marshmellows tasted like paint, so I'm pretty sure I've been poisoned now. Dana was my drive home, and we were originally going to leave at 12:30, but Randy ordered me home at 11:30 as he didn't trust Dana not to drink anymore and feared for my safety. I thought that was quite considerate of him in a domineering way ; )

He came along with us and got strangely cuddley in the car. He is so bizarre. He spent most of the night pushing me away and then I get mauled on the way home. Dana let us off across the road and he even walked me to the door like a gentleman. I was shocked and amazed, needless to say.

Normally I chicken out on these gatherings, which annoys Randy quite a bit. He's been prodding me to join in more, so I finally succumbed last night.

That was my useless "What I did on the weekend" entry even though it's only Saturday morning...

PS. I officially have only two weeks of highschool left. Yipee!
 
     
It could be sweet| like a long forgotten dream.
 
   
08:16pm 20/05/2003
 
mood: drained
I hate it when people can't understand how much I adore you. You're so much better than they'll ever know. It's just not fair.
 
     
It could be sweet| like a long forgotten dream.
 
   
06:32pm 20/05/2003
  I need to accept and relax. Accept and relax...  
     
It could be sweet| like a long forgotten dream.
 
I want to break your heart and give you mine   
09:52pm 19/05/2003
 
mood: contemplative
music: Garbage - You look so fine, SP - For Martha
Last night was such a step backward. He drank until he had no control over himself. He insulted someone I've known since I was 10, and made my best friend burst into tears. Nevermind he made of fool out of himself to anyone who spoke to him. Nevermind I kept having friends and aquaintences approach me to talk about his intoxicated state. Nevermind I wanted to cry, I wanted to leave, I wanted to crawl into a hole and die.

I spend the time defending him to people like Matt, Corey, Alison... and then he fucks up and proves them right. I just want them to see the kind of person I fell in love with and can't let go of no matter what he does or says! I wonder if that person really exists or if I'm just an idiot! Matt egged him on just to see him embarass himself further. They thought it was funny. I faked angry when really I was just sad.

I want to go back in time. There is just so much nothing. I don't want to go to class. I don't want to hear them talk about him. I know, everyone! Ok? I know. He's no good, he's this, he's that... I don't care. Somehow I was still in his arms this morning, trying to be forgiving. It hurts enough without everyone else reminding me.

I want to grow and move on and I just can't.
 
     
It could be sweet| like a long forgotten dream.
 
I want to indulge in it over and over   
09:21am 13/05/2003
 
mood: blah
Counting down the days. Waiting for you to come home and then waiting for you to let me down

I went out with Amy to the show on Saturday for the first time in a long time. I found myself wanting to cling to her, literally, for fear she'd disappear. On the way home with Diana's brother we reminised of the days when she was back in highschool. Our group was the school joke and we were a target for ice balls being hurled from the top of the hill. We then of course brought up old flames. Considering we were a bunch of dorks we dated within our own little circle. Amy and I have shared more than one love interest. When you're 14-15 and still have your wits about you, everythinga is pure fun. If I could relive those days over nd over, I would. I miss her and all of them almost everyday. I think about how much better it would be if we all had that former army standing behind us.

But people grow old and grow apart. I'm 18 going on 45.
 
     
It could be sweet| like a long forgotten dream.
 
   
07:22pm 04/05/2003
 
mood: waiting
Oh how things can change in a month's time.

He has been my nursemaid, my hero, my savior.

Someone thought apparently there was a need for healing.
...

This weekend I had a fall from a high place. Figuratively. There was some spilled blood involved, yet now... I somehow feel some sort of clarity, some sort of... well, I guess it's what I don't feel. What I don't feel is certain doom. I feel like there is help, there is self-control, and there is someone who will wrap his arms around me and save me from myself.

This will be a busy busy week, and I have quite the cold.
 
     
It could be sweet| like a long forgotten dream.
 
   
08:57pm 10/04/2003
 
mood: angry
When oh when will I pull myself out of this constant humiliation at the hands of YOU.


I love and I love and I love and you Take Take Take.

We he does what you can't. he doens't need to touch me, he doesn't need to make apologies, he doesn't need to placate me with material things.


But I still love and love and love.
 
     
It could be sweet| 1 don't wanna lose | like a long forgotten dream.
 
She winked at me and said run for your life   
09:36pm 25/03/2003
 
mood: moody
music: Bif Naked - I died
I just don't know what is happening anymore.

Tonight I discussed lost time with Erin. She seemed to take it seriously. it felt so good. like hope. I don't feel that alot. Finally, maybe if we out out what's happening, I can get some answers. She mentioned depersonalization. Normally I consider myself fairly knowledged on the subject, but that topic is not one I am familiar with. I'm debating doing some research on my own or waiting to talk to her before I delve into this too quickly. i don't know. We shall see. My shift key is sticky.

I wrote another email to him. I don't even know what I want to hear. All I know is I want clarity. I *need* it. It's a must. "good for you," Erin said, for demanding things for me. It's just so hard to sometimes.

I love it when she says that. I beam. I can feel it.
 
     
It could be sweet| like a long forgotten dream.
 
My heart is like .:.   
11:36pm 21/03/2003
 
mood: crushed
music: Cibo Matto - Artichoke
I don't want to admit it, but what I want is for you to accept the blame, and feel sorry. Maybe then I can let go. I want to know that you know that you made me this mess. That I cannot create, learn or interact with others because all I can think of is you you you.

It's always all about you.
 
     
It could be sweet| 1 don't wanna lose | like a long forgotten dream.
 
A girl needs a gun these days   
09:33pm 15/03/2003
 
mood: sore
music: Tori Amos - Rattlesnakes


I pretended that I accepted your explanations and I was ok. But I'm not. There were certain phrases I asked to hear, one way or another, that I did not. And now I don't know whether to think it was deliberate or not. Am I expecting too much or too little?

I just felt like there was no use, so I said nothing more. You don't know what courage it took and I don't want to waste anymore.

Jodie never sleeps cause there's always needles in the hay
 
     
It could be sweet| like a long forgotten dream.
 
A gun and a pack of sammiches   
08:26pm 13/03/2003
 
mood: sick
music: Radiohead - Talk Show Host
I want to be someone else or I'll explode


You can't even get past yourself to see how I'm aching.

I write and I write and I write and time just passes slower.
 
     
It could be sweet| like a long forgotten dream.
 
Tell me I won't miss you much   
09:01am 11/03/2003
 
mood: confused
music: Holly McNarland - I won't stay, Alanis -That I would be good


I push myself to spend time with you so we won't shut down on each other. So I won't shut down on you and forget your name, your smell, the size of your shadow. You walked in my door last night and for a moment I felt like I was in the presence of a stranger. You just looked so old. There was this man in my doorway that I didn't know whether to embrace or turn away. It was one of the scariest things I have felt concerning you. Confusion.

We didn't talk at all, really. We just let the movie play and giggled like nothing was between us. You layed your head on the pillow, on my lap. I held my own hands to keep from stroking your hair. Finally I just layed my hand near your ear. I fell asleep for a moment, but long enough for you to decide you had to go. You held me and I wanted to feel the same affection so badly. I couldn't let go. When you closed the door, I cried.

Last thursday I was in Florence, in the sunshine with pigeons eating out of my hand: where you couldn't touch me.


that I would be good even when I was not myself
 
     
It could be sweet| 3 don't wanna lose | like a long forgotten dream.
 
   
08:37pm 17/02/2003
 
mood: sad


I bared everything to you. Everything. I allowed myself to be comfortable. I feel like you took advantage of that. The thought of ever taking that risk with anyone again repulses me. How am I ever supposed to move on?

I guess I've learned a valuable trust lesson, one that I should have learned long ago through experiences with friends and family: Never leave yourself vulnerable. Never.
 
     
It could be sweet| like a long forgotten dream.
 
If it's not asking too much...   
06:38pm 13/02/2003
 
mood: anxious
music: Fiona Apple - Please Send Me Someone to Love




Heaven please send to all mankind,
Understanding and peace and mind.
But if it is not asking too much,
Please send me someone to love, someone to love.

Show the world how to get along,
And peace will enter, when hate is gone.
But if it's not asking too much,
Please send me someone to love,
Please send me someone to love.

I lie awake nights, and ponder a world of trouble
And my answer is always the same.
That when this man put an end to this damnable sin.
Hate will put the world in a flame - what a shame

Just because I'm ... In misery
I don't beg for no sympathy
But if it is not asking too much,
Please send me someone to love,
Please send me someone to love.

Just because I'm ... In misery
I don't beg for no sympathy
But if it is not asking too much,
Please send me someone to love,
Please send me someone to love.
 
     
It could be sweet| like a long forgotten dream.
 
I just want to say don't ever change   
04:41pm 12/02/2003
 
mood: discontent
music: PJ Harvey & Thom Yorke -This mess we're in


Sometimes I want to forget you. I don't want things that remind me of you near me. But then I think what if, what if, what if.

What if I throw this all away, become so certain and then you do all I've ever wanted from you. What then? it would be almost as tramatic as trusting you and then being let down.

What if I try to move on and realize it was a mistake? What if you only distance yourself from me because you think I'm happy this way?

What if what if what if.

But oh no, these aren't valid feelings. I'm only a child experiencing a "part of life".
It all changes when you realize how short your life will be.
 
     
It could be sweet| like a long forgotten dream.
 
   
04:29pm 11/02/2003
 
mood: confused
music: VNV Nation - Burnout


I really don't know what to think of all this. I put all my trust in someone for over a year (assume that my years are longer than your's), like I never have before. I sacrifice things that he will never know. Despite our temporary splits, promises are made to me. I feel for the first time that yes, he might be able to give me what I need. Then one day he runs because he cannot handle all that I am. Love is something that you work with.

I'm afraid that I'll be fooled once again into thinking that things will be better. I'm afraid that I'll have just enough time to become comfortable before it is ripped out from under me once again. I want so badly to believe that this will work, but I know I will not be able to live through this kind of pain again.

This is not "part of life"... this is my life.
.....


I just wish there was some way to make him understand what all of this means. He shuts out what I say. I have trouble talking to begin with.

I'm sick of all this screaming.
 
     
It could be sweet| like a long forgotten dream.
 
What's a house without a home   
11:04pm 10/02/2003
 
mood: drained
music: Christian Death - Romeo's Distress



No one has asked about the band-aids on my wrist. I don't need that kind of thing. It would force me to tell silly stories. Moments of weakness that I hardly remember do not warrant you accusing me of seeking attention, or chalking it up to a phase. This is not my take on cutting as a teenage fad. The thought disgusts me. I normally leave visible parts of my body alone, so this is the cause for my concern. I don't need silly people asking me silly questions.

I won't get to see Erin again until after I return from Europe. I believe I return on the 10th and I think my next appointment may be sometime this week. I need to make sure no traces of this past weekend's sillyness are availible for her inspection. We can talk about this another time. For now, I have bigger fish to fry. What these bigger fish are belong to a separate entry I think.

Remaining free from the constraints my livejournal put upon me is what I hope to acheive here. I let too many friends and S/Os past and present in on that gig and it came back and bit me in the ass. I adore the online journal deal, but I absolutely need a place to discuss matters with the limited possibility of everyone and their dog from my community using my entries against me.

And that is the state of current affairs.

*note* I started off the bat with the cutting issue just to see how it felt to discuss sensitive issues in a non-cryptic manner for the first time. My experiment was most gratifying.
 
     
It could be sweet| like a long forgotten dream.
 
For whom it is reserved   
04:41pm 10/02/2003
 
mood: curious
music: Portishead - Wandering Star




I have a blurty.

Because my livejournal is becoming a little too restrictive.
So I need a wee bit of a side project.

.

And that is what I shall do.
 
     
It could be sweet| 1 don't wanna lose | like a long forgotten dream.