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[28 Jul 2004|10:52pm] [ mood | disappointed ] [ music | Incubus - [[I Miss You] ] Such a horrible song to be listening to right now. Considering the who situation. I mean I can't believe it's come down to this.. and so soon. But it needs to be done. I can't live like this anymore.. wondering if he's going to call, wondering if he's actually going to call me back. All the thoughts that run through my mind on a daily basis are killing me. It's no way to live. The "what if's" and "coulda beens" are fucking tormenting my mind. I don't understand why, and I would like to know. But I'm not sure if that is ever going to happen. I mean what makes a person changer their mind so quickly? Make them completely avoid and ignore their "girlfriend". I certainly don't understand. I wish I was a mind reader, but alas, I am not and I can't change anything. Only break it off, move on and hope the next one, which at this point won't be for a long while, won't screw me over like this. It hurts, and it's shitty, but I'm just thankful that the relationship has only been not even three months and that I'm not comlpletely emotionally attached. Because then I don't know how I would possibly manage to deal with the whole entire fucked up situation. I have all of my ladies saying that their going to hunt him down and fuck him up. And that's really sweet in a twisted kinda way, but as much as I hate what he's done to me, I don't know if I want to see him get "fucked up". I mean I would love to take a shot at him myself at this point. I just don't understand how it got here. I certainly don't blame myself. Because anyone who cares about someone doesn't just pull dick moves like this. That's just not normal. It's gotta be that he's no longer interested and is too big of a pussy to come out and tell me and break it off. Maybe his whole plan what to ignore me long enough that I would get fed up and do the job myself because he isn't man enough to do it. Probably. He's kinda like that, in a way. I know that I deserve so much better and I am not going to beat myself up for this. I didn't do it. He did. And I know this. The thing that bugs me the most is that he told me he loved me, and you certainly don't do this to someone you love. So I'm thinking that that was some fucked up ploy to get me to sleep with him, which obviously didn't work because I am smarter than that and wouldn't fall for that bullshit. You have to show me that you love me, not just say it. And he never showed me that he loved me. So maybe this all is for the best. The more I keep writing, the more and more I am ok with breaking it off. Looking back on our relationship we never really acted like we were together, more like really good friends. Sure we held hands in the car with people and stuff, but we never really showed that we were going out in public, eventhough I'm not on for PDA. We never showed anything physical towards eachother except when we were alone. Which was really nice, but that's not the point. I am going to miss the way he made me laugh, because he made me laugh so much. I absolutely love his sense of humor. But there is more to a relationship than a sense of humor. And this just hasn't worked out. And I'm ok with that. I really am. At least right now I think so. With the support of my friends I will be. I know I will. It's just kinda shitty that I it had to end this way. But shit happens and people move on, no matter how soon that is. There is a lot that I will miss about him, a lot that I won't, but either way I'm glad that I met him and that we got together. Because I felt so comfortable with him. It felt right. But all good things must come to an end eventually, and for a time, a short time, I was truely happy. Honestly and truely happy, and I hadn't felt that in a long time. And I thank him for that. <3 me

Bored... [28 Jul 2004|09:34pm] [ mood | angry ] + Basics + Are you emotional :: Not usually Do songs make you cry? If so, name a few :: "All We Ever Find" - Tim McGraw, "Broken" - Seether, "Love Is Only A Feeling" - The Darkness, "Here Without You" - 3 Doors Down What about movies :: Sometimes.. What emotion do you usually feel :: Somewhere between happy and disappointed + Sadness + What does it take to make you cry your heart out :: If I really sit back and think about everything that I am going through.. How many times have you done that :: Too often Where do you cry :: In my room Do you hate crying :: Yeah Do you like it when others cry :: No.. that's kinda cruel Do you think tears make eyes look pretty :: Yeah, actually.. Who looks good when they cry :: ... no one that I know... How else do you express sadness :: By being really quiet Are you sad all the time :: No + Anger + What does it take to make you mad :: If someone does something stupid or rude to me What do you do when you're angry :: Punch shit and yell a lot How short is your temper :: I'm pretty hard to get really angry How long does it take you to calm down :: After a few cigarettes and deep breaths What's the worst thing you've done when you were mad :: Say and do shit that I later regret Do you freak out when others are angry :: No Has anyone ever recommended anger management to you :: Haha.. maybe once or twice What's the worst thing someone's done to make you mad :: Don't wanna go there Do you anger people :: Haha.. probably.. a lot.. oh well + Joy + How often are you happy :: Usually quite often What makes you happy :: People, music, etc.. What do you do when you're happy :: Get really hyper and giddy How optimistic are you :: I think I'm pretty optimistic but not so much that I set myself up for disappointment Do happy people make you mad :: REALLY happy people make me want to punch them.. like those fuckers who are always too happy for their own good What's the worst thing someone can do while they're happy :: Uhh..?? Ever been so happy you were dying to tell everyone :: Yeah, sure Ever been so happy you cried :: Yeap Do you smile a lot :: I try to Kiss people a lot:: No.. that's kinda weird to go around kissing random people because you're happy.. Who really makes you happy :: My dear friends.. and that one boy who used to make me really happy.. ::sigh:: Do you like doing things for people when you're happy :: Yeah.. it makes me feel like a good samaritan.. like I got extra Jesus points or something. + Fear + What do you do when you're scared :: Curl up in the fetal possition What scares you :: Clowns, thunderstorms, certain situations Do you like scaring people :: Yeah.. but not horribly bad Do you like the trill of being frightened :: Sometimes.. it depends Does fear accompany anger in your case :: No.. Ever been so scared you couldn't breathe :: Sure How often do you panic :: I don't think I really panic.. What's the one thing that scared you more than anything else EVER :: When Kim called me and told me that John got into an accident What do you do to calm your nerves :: smoke.. which is really bad.. Do rollercoasters scare you :: No + The strongest emotion + What song never fails to get your strongest emotions going :: Any country song.. or and Seether song Movie :: Dunno Commericial :: Dunno Person :: Guess who!!?? Thing :: hmm.. Sight :: These questions are really hard to answer.. Sound :: Someone crying, or in pain Food :: Food?.. I don't think I get emotional over food.. unless I haven't eaten in awhile.. Thing you're looking forward to/want :: ??? + What do you do + When the emotion suck :: Sit there and chain smoke When the emotion rocks :: Get really excited and annoying When there's no emotion :: Nothing I guess.. + Would you rather + Never feel again :: Sometimes I really do.. Feel loneliness or anger for the rest of your life :: Oh man.. anger I guess.. lonliness is a horrible feeling. Be happy forever and never experience bad times :: That would be nice, but would never happen Cause misery :: I wouldn't want someone to feel horrible because of me Feel misery :: .. but then again I wouldn't want to feel that pain either... Be alone :: That's not cool Be with everyone you know :: ... everyone I know?? Well I like a majority of those people, so I guess that's alright + Who + Cheers you up more than anyone else :: Kimmy Angers you more than anyone else :: My dad Scares you more than anyone else :: John Makes you think about your emotions more than anyone else :: Keith Makes you really care about how they feel and what they think :: Erik Emotions brought to you by BZOINK! <3 me

Back again!! [28 Jul 2004|12:57am] [ mood | blah ] [ music | [[Tim McGraw - Red Ragtop] ] Well, here I am back again. Been shut down for awhile. But I am back. A lot has happened in like what? 7 months? Rediculous amount of time, and I really don't care to update. No matter HOW bored I am. I suppose that one of the biggest changes in my life would be that aquired myself one of those.. what do you call them? Ahh.. boyfriends. But basically at this point I would say that it's pretty much over. Don't hear from him much anymore these days. His excuse.. he's too busy with work and friends, and whatever else it is that he does. Hmm.. ok. Whatever you say. I mean in the beginning it was fucking awsome. I saw him all the time, we hung out whenever we could. It was a challenge since he lives like almost a half hour away, but we both made the effort. But ever since summer rolled around I rarely saw him or heard from him. You would think that since it was summer that we would see eachother so much more. Not the case here. I think the main problem is that he's so caught up in being with his buddies now that he doesn't have time for a girlfriend anymore, I'm no longer top priority. Not saying that I want to spend every waking moment with him, far from it. But it would be nice call your "girlfriend" once in awhile and let her know that you're still breathing. He's obviously no longer interested in the whole commitment thing. So I'm going to step up to the plate and break it off. And it just seems kinda shady to me. I mean he's not really the type to cheat, and he told me that he hasn't, but still.. I think there is definetly something going on that he's not telling me. And I really don't like being left in the dark, so I'm going to call him in the next couple of days and have him come over (I'm not one to do something like that over the phone) and tell him how it is, and that it's over. I mean, who knows? Down the road sometime in the future we could see eachother again, and decide that we want to give it another try. One never knows. But for right now, and I've talked to a lot of people about it, trying to figure out what the hell to do. I've talked to him about it twice. And nothing has changed. So there's only one thing left to do. I am going to miss him a lot. He was so great in the beginning. I never felt so much for one person, and to know that he felt the same way back was amazing and indescribable. And the weird thing is is that he was the one who was interested in me first, and I don't think that that has ever happened to me before. It was weird. I just don't know where it went wrong. I keep thinking back, replaying situations and conversations over and over again, just looking for a hint, a glimmer as to where it went sour, but I come up empty handed. I don't think it was anything I did or said. I think it's just him losing interest and not wanting to be tied down, or something. I'm not a dude, so I really couldn't say. It's shitty, sure. But I'll be fine. I'm just thankful that it's only been not even 3 months, and not longer. Because if it was longer I don't think I would be able to handle it as well as I am. And I am also thankful that we didn't have sex, because if we did, and he treated me like this, I would of definetly sunken into a deep, dark depression and wouldn't of come out of my room for weeks. Thinking about this entire situation and listening to Tim McGraw is a death wish. I don't know why I do this to myself. God. And thinking back to all the wonderful times.. soo shitty. But I haven't cried. Which is good. But I'm not really a crier anyways. I rarely cry. I'm not emotional. I don't show my feelings. I cover it up because I don't like people asking and I don't like telling. It makes me feel naked sort of. Like I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve and just waiting for someone to stomp on it. It takes a lot for me to trust someone and to be able to open up like that. But I guess that's just me. I'm not devestated or anything. I'm just highly disappointed that it turned out this way. But I'll get over, and there are plenty of other people out there. But I have to admit.. I will really miss him.... Ok, enough of that depressing shit. I have SO much to do and such a limited time to do it. Let me make a list here. Elise's Shit To Do List - Call and make a hair appointment - Call and make senior pictures appointment - Send in deposit for senior trip - Start saving up money for senior trip, and trip to Florida with Kim - Start school shopping - Call in re-fill for birth control I know that there is so many more little things in between all the major ones, and I am so completely stressed out over everything. And I think that breaking up with Keith will lighten my stress and agravation load a whole lot. Not that I see him as just a thing to cross off on a list, but you get my point. I just need some relaxation. And my father working me to the bone and giving me rediculous hours at work isn't helping. And dealing with his drinking problem and trying to help him overcome that and get back on track with his life doesn't make my life any easier, but I know I need and want to be there for him, and show him that he can be the dad that he used to be. I just feel so suffocated by everyone and everything lately. I need a fucking vacation. But right now I think I just need to sleep, and escape all of this for as many hours as humanly possible. <3 me

[27 Jan 2004|02:15pm] [ mood | content ] [ music | Wallflowers [[One Head Light] ] Right now I am at Ems house. I am so content and happy here. Every time I come here the atmosphere is so family oriented, something I don't feel very often and it makes me surge with joy everytime I enter the door. It's only Em and I here now, Katie left a little while ago, but I still feel very warm and happy. We're sitting in the living room, with a roaring fire, hot chocolate and a hot pocket from Katie. I feel so happy right now. And we're getting somewhere close to 17 inches of snow tonight. I am in such a perfect place right now. This day has been very wonderful. After my Geometry exam, Em, Jay and I went to the side of the school to have a cigarette and Brian was back there, so after we had our cigarettes, we went to his house and chilled there for a few. Then we went back to school. Even sitting in open wasn't bad at all. Sitting with Em, Jay, Geoff, Timmy Gandini, Captain and Amy was so much fun. I just felt so happy. Lindsay and Katie came and picked me, Em and Jay up and brought us all home. Katie came over. We cleaned Ems house for a little while to help out Jill. Then we went outside and went ice skating on Timmy and Ricks homemade ice rink. That was so much fun. I haven't felt so light hearted in a long time. We were all laughing like we didn't have a care in the world and like nothing else mattered except skating, waiting for it to snow. I fell, of course. Made Emmy and Katie laugh pretty damn hard. I kept moving my legs pretty irratically because I slammed part of my spine right on the ice and thought I would lose feeling in them. They were dying. I thought I was too. We came inside, made some hot chocolate and watched some TV. Katie went back the street and here we are now. I can't even believe how happy I am right now. I wish that this ammount of happiness was always available to me. Everyone was in an awsome mood. I can't believe. I even got 3 hugs from Geoff! That was nice. And Timmy G let me wear his Carhartt. Just an all around splendid time. I loved today. One of the best days in a long time. And I appreciate that. I feel like a little kid again. Waiting for it to snow. And sitting inside with a nice warm fire. I love this time of year. I can't help but be extremely happy right now. And I can't remember when the last time that was. Now I am going to spend some more time with my bestest friend Emmy. Bye <3 me

[15 Jan 2004|10:14pm] [ mood | cold ] I know it's been a really long time. But my computer has been really screwed up. Kazaa fucked it up a whole lot and it does a whole lot of retarded shit, randomly. Like random caps locks and sometimes it won't even type. So writing this is a big pain in the ass. But whatever.. I have nothing better to do right now. Right now it has to be maybe like -20 outside. If that. New England hasn't been this cold in decades. I really can't take it anymore. We've had two delays this week alone. Pretty nice though. We have the pep rally tomorrow, which should be a fun time. Em and I are taking pictures for yearbook. Pretty excited about that. Yeah, this thing is being majorly gay.. and this entire thing was pretty pointless.. oh well. I'll write when I can. Good night.. and try and stay fucking warm!!! <3 me

[29 Dec 2003|08:20pm] [ mood | tired ] [ music | Seether [[Your Bore] ] Yeah it's been a looong ass time. A lot of shit has happened. This vacation has been a blast so far. A lot better then the past couple vacations; where I did a whole lot of nothing. But it's been good. On Friday I went out with Amy Kiernan and Emily. We went to Friendlys and then the turnpike for some Krispy Kreme. Then we went back to Amys house and had a funny ass time taking crazy pictures. It was a lot of fun. Saturday I had to work 7-7 which sucked the big one. 12 hours isn't fun at all. But hey, I'll be rolling in the big bucks this week! After work Amy E. picked me up and we picked up Tommy and went to Wal-Mart because he needed oil for his quad. That was a fun experience. Then we drove around and went to Amys grandmas house and attempted to watch Pirates Of The Carribean (LOVE that movie!!) but that didn't happen since we were way too talkative for that one. We ended up breaking a lamp because we all got kitchen utensiles and had a huge fight. Tommy had tongs and kept going after us, Amy grabbed one of those pasta spoons, and I found myself this great huge over-sized wooded spoon. Yeah so Amy knocked over the light.. and it was just BLACK, except for the kitchen light. We ended up fixing it and putting in a new light bulb so it was all good. After that we forked over our "weapons" and tried to watch the movie again. We were all laughing so hard because we were talking about the most weirdest things. Tommy gave me some pretty weird looks when I told him under what cirsumstances I would do Johnny Depp. Then me and Tom kept inhaling the carbonations from and empty soda bottel and got really light headed. It was kinda like the feeling when you suck the gas out of a whipped cream bottel. We ended up taking a ride to Eriks house; but he wasn't home (I figured out why today, and I'm worried about him a lot now..) so we went to harrass Brian. We sat in his garage for a while. We were about to leave when Amy and I decided to ambush Brian and Tommy. Yeah, that was a really bad idea. I got my ass beat.. royally. Brian gave me the squeeze of death and I couldn't breath, Tommy kept picking me up and bouncing me up and down, almost to the point of cracking some ribs. Then Brian got the fucking wonderful idea of trying to throw me in the dumpster. Amy tried to hold off which ever one wasn't going for me at the moment. Brian kept trying to pick me up when I was on the ground and he couldn't so I started going "What are you? A pussy? You aren't strong at all, you can't even pick up a 100 pound girl.. you fucking wuss!" That pissed him off, which I knew it would, I had Amy and Tommy laughing. Then Tommy came over, flipped me upside down in some odd fucking way and then threw me on top of the dumpster because Amy, my hero shut it just in time. Brian came after me and I started to run, and some how, Tommy say as Amy was holding him back, and he jumped out in front of me and got ahold of me, I threw my ass on the ground. I was basically in the fetal possition. The he got me, and was carrying me down the slope of Brians driveway and BOOM! We were laying the the driveway. When he threw me up to get a better hold on me his ankle popped and we went down. I was freaking out.. I thought he broke it and it would of been all my fault. But man, if he didn't do that my ass was going in the fucking garbage can.. and he made sure that I knew that. Of course after that we stopped beating the shit out of one another. We brought him home, and helped him put his quad in the shed. Then Amy brought me home. Last night Tommy called me telling me that he broke his ankle. He had me going really good. I was almost in tears and I told him that I would pay for his hospital bills. That's when he gave in and told me he was kidding.. fucking asshole. But his ankle is fine though. Thank god. Or I woulda felt really bad. Tomorrow morning Amy and I are getting up bright and early for Brian and Tommys wrestling match. It should be really fucking amusing. There is sooo much to catch up on. I don't even know where the hell to begin. Hmm.. I haven't had a day off in honestly 7 days, and I might kill someone. I don't get a day off until New Years Day. All I keep thinking about it the paycheck.. that's the only thing on my mind. Ohh yes.. I no longer like Cameron. I finally realized what a concited egotistical asshole he is. And the whole him and Stacy thing is so rediculous and disgusting, it makes me want to throw up. I can't stand it anymore. It's so gay and childish, I decided that I can do much better and that I am no longer going to care what either of them do. So yeap.. FUCK THAT!!!! That feels hella good to get out of my system. I wasted waay too much time on him, and for no reason at all. He can kiss my ass.. that is for damn sure. I can't wait till New Years. I definetly want to do something awesome. Who knows. I have no plans so far. We'll see what happens. For now I think my ass is going to bed. I just got a real big wave of exhaution come over me. Goodnight. <3 me

[15 Dec 2003|08:49pm] [ mood | good ] We had a 2 hour delay today which was pretty cool. I slept for an extra hour and a half, which was really nice. School was pretty good. Nothing exciting happened. During open G period me and Kim stole some of the Ball decorations.. lots of snow flakes, paper christmas trees and I took this long ass piece of thick gold ribbon. It was a good time. Friday was a lot of fun. After school Amy took me and Kim to the bank to cash our checks. Then we went back up tp the HS. I cleaned out my locker, because it needed it BADLY. And none of it was my shit. It was all Brandon and Brendan (who somehow now uses it too.. dunno how that happened, but I don't mind.). But it's clean now. Mr. O'Connell came out and started laughing at me. Cameron spotted us and had us come help him decorate the cafe for the Ball. I mostly stood there and handed out tape. After the decorating was done everyone left and it was just me, Kim and Cameron. We basically just beat the crap out of Cam and laughed at him because he is a major wuss. We were there for like 45 minutes to an hour. Dan finally came and got us and the we headed to the mall. That was a pretty fun time. We stole a lot of cool pins from Hot Topic. I got myself a John Deree shirt and new purse at Pac Sun. I got a lot done which makes me happy. The way home was the BEST!! Dan bought the new Nickleback cd, and we had "Someday" on repeat the entire way home. We were all singing soo loudly, I loved it. We were going NUTS!! So much fun! We stopped at McDonalds, and ate. We were all making rediculous faces and we were all about to piss ourselves. On the way to bring Kim home, we stopped at Ryan Darnas dads house, and Dan got out. This was the funniest thing I have EVER seen. They have two lighted up reindeer in the yard, one standing straight up, one bending over like its eating grass. He took the one standing up and mounted it on top of the one bending over. I don't think I have EVER laughed so hard in the LOOONGEST time. Man. I think I almost died. I love them both so incredibly much. They both make me laugh to the point of passing out. Good fucking times. I worked the rest of the weekend. Karen and I went sledding at work on Sunday. That was funnn!! I have a major bruise on my ass. Metal trays are the way to go!! Haha. Got three days off this week which is cool. Saturday too.. so Friday night better be good. I'm getting mighty tired. Maybe it's time to go to bed after I call Kims ass back. 1<3 me

Sometimes I just loooove mondays!!! [08 Dec 2003|08:15pm] [ mood | giggly ] I'd have to say that today was majorly kick ass. Every once in a while there is an awesome Monday. Today was one of those days. Everything was just going so awesome. I loved it!! Everyone was in a good mood, and no one pissed me off. Just an all around great day. It started off pretty good. I talked to Captain, Meagan and Cameron at my locker. We were all taking in Camerons wonderful smelling goodness. Him and Erik are definetly the best smelling guys that have ever lived. I swear to it. Geometry was awesome. I just love Timmy Gandini and Geoff. They make me laugh so incredibly much. Beating Tim up is the highlite of my day. And Geoff enjoys messing my hair, and then pouts if I fix it. Those boys always brighten my day. Had the Renissance assembly. Got myself a blue card!! Woohoo!! That was pretty funny too. Nothing else interesting happened till G when we had open. Me, Face, Kim and Jay talked to the new kid Alex. What a great time THAT was!! Jay and Alex played Bloody Quarters, and I thought that Kim was going to pee herself she was laughing so hard. We all were. He's a pretty cool kid. Even if he is a little bit wiggerish. But he is pretty cool. After G I was getting my stuff out of my locker and Cameron came over and was talking to me. I asked him if he had an extra hoodie since I was freezing. He said that he didn't and then he goes "But you can wear my jacket if you want." SCORE!! Holy HELL was that greeeaaaattt. I couldn't even BEGIN to describe the aroma of goodness that I got all H period. I was dieing I was so happy. Never (besides the time at Kims house when he let me have his hoodie for almost a week) have I had the opportunity to smell such wonderful smell for so long. And it just smelled like his colonge, smoke, gas and exhaust. GodDAMN. I know I sound pretty goddamn psychotic saying all this in a stalker kinda way. But who gives a shit!! He smells so incredibly good!!! WOO! Yah so moving on from that whole schpeel.. H period me and Amy were talking to Matt Hetrick and Mike Flieshman. Those kids are HILARIOUS!! We were comparing our hands, and Mike has the most disformed, retarded hands that I have EVER seen in my LIFE!!! It was sooo fucking hilarious. Then we tortured Timmy and stole his beanie and were passing it back and forth. haha. Good times. Work was great too. Old people crack me up!! This one lady Edith is a fucking RIOT! I love talking to her. She just comes out with the funniest shit. And she's always hounding me and Terry for cigarettes. Some old people are so amusing and I love talking to them to see what comes out of their mouths. Me, Maryana and Teri Bell had an awesome time working though. Teri is fucking hilarious. The shit she comes out with sometimes makes me wanna piss myself. She's one of the coolest people I work with. I love my job sometimes!! Welp.. gotta say that Monday was definetly KICK ASS!! Hopefully the rest of the week will get even better. If it does I'll be one happy bitch. That's for damn sure. :D 1<3 me

Oh the weather outside is frightful... [06 Dec 2003|11:46pm] [ mood | happy ] It's a blizzard out there. But yet.. I still had to go to work. But it was a good time. It was me, Cheryl and Maryana. Cheryl is the coolest lady ever. She used all paper since I called out (but since my dad is a fucking ASSHOLE, made me go in eventhough there was no possible way I could get down there, so he and one of his friends with a truck came and got me), so we got out 20 minutes early. I like working down there. It's really not bad at all. You would think that with my dad being my boss too, it'd be really shitty, but it's not half as bad as I thought it would be. My last two paychecks have been awesome. 120 last week and 200 this week. It would of been 230 if taxes weren't taken out.. damn government bastards. Double time and weekends kick ass!! I went to the mall with Amy on Monday. I loved it, it was sooo much fun!! The mall was all decorated for Christmas and they were playing Christmas music. It got me in the holiday spirit. The only thing I got was something for Emmy, and a shirt from Express for myself (it was my first paycheck, holidays or not, I HAD to treat myself). I missed hanging out with Amy soo much! We always laugh so much when we're together. I love just driving around and laughing endlessly about the stupidest things. It just makes me feel so happy! We were supposed to hang out on Friday, but since it snowed (and still is as I write this..) we couldn't. Hopefully next weekend we will. I can't believe this crazy amount of snow that we have now. It started late Friday afternoon and it's still going strong at like midnight on Saturday. It's not supposed to stop till late Sunday. I like snow.. considering it's Christmas time and all.. but not this much. But it is really pretty. When Maryana was bringing me home, there was no one on the road, and it was all so quiet and peaceful. It was just a blanket of white. That's the only thing I like about the snow. Everything gets so quiet, and it's so clean feeling. And when you're driving at night time, and people have their lights on it's even prettier. Because the snow is translucent and you can see the light through it. I do like when it snows. I just don't like being stranded and not being able to do anything. It's times like these when I wish I had a snowmobile or a quad. Meaghan and Kerianne called me earlier and wanted me to come down and hang out since they were bored as hell too, but unless I got a team of sled dogs.. there was no way that I was going to get down there. They wanted me to call Erik and have him pick me up since he was out plowing. Haha.. Erik give up plowing and making money?? Yeah.. riiiight. He loves me.. but certainly not THAT much. So I ended up stay home hanging with my mom. My sister is at Michelles so we have the house all to ourselves. I love it. My mom and I watched Pirates Of The Caribbiean (could Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom possibly get ANY sexier? I DON'T THINK SO!!) and Miracle On 34th Street. My mom makes me laugh SO much. I love her to death. She is the funniest, most awesome person I know. And she's my mom. How awesome. I don't know what I would do without that woman!! It's getting late and I have to work 2-7 tomorrow. Time for bed for me. <3 me

Gobble Gobble!!!!! [27 Nov 2003|03:28pm] [ mood | full ] Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!!!! <3 me

I can't stand it anymore. [26 Nov 2003|06:42pm] [ mood | discontent ] I don't even wanna write about what's happened in the past 2 days. Too much for me to handle. I cried a lot yesturday. I haven't cried in forever. It was all so overwhelming and I couldn't take it all anymore. Things have just gotten so stipid and complicated that I wish I had no emotions whatsoever. I don't want to like him anymore. I don't want anything to do with the whole retarded situation. I can't take all the stress and anxiety of it all. Liking him is so difficult. I want to stop so badly, but I can't. And I don't understand why. Everytime I get the littlest glimmer of getting over him, I see him, hear his voice, someone mentions his name, and all the feelings, emotions and memories come rushing back, and I'm back to square one all over again. And that is what I cannot stand. Stacy told him some stupid shit about how I supposedly don't want them to talk because I get jealous. WTF??!!! Did I EVER say anything of the sort??!! NO!!! So now he probably thinks I am some controlling psychotic bitch. All I said is that I can't stand it when she is ALL over him. And what does she do? Denys it of course. She doesn't even see what she's doing. She fucking told him that. What a fucking asshole. Kim told him that I never said that.. and that I don't think that at all. Why the hell did she have to go and say that? Of ALL things to tell him, she had to say that. Why did she even feel the need to tell him anything? She should of kept her fucking mouth closed. I know this has royally fucked everything over now. There's no going back now. And Kim told me that he said something like "I don't like Elise anymore, I just want to be her friend." WHAT??!! Ok.. so he LIKED me. When was THIS?!? Why was I NOT informed?! Why did nothing ever happen??!! So because of Stacys dick move, and fucking immature stupidity, he only wants to be my friend now. Asshole. Fucking asshole. Does anyone have any idea just HOW much this anger and upsets me? I need to talk to him. I really do. I need to explain everything. Because I don't want him to think that I am fucking crazy. Kim and I were out driving around today and we were about to go by his house, and she called him to see if he was home, and no one picked up, and we were driving by slowly because she was calling him. Yeah so we're lurching on by and there comes Justin on the quad, and then I see Cameron and Timmy by the barn. We weren't going to stop with Justin right there (Kim and I were flipping out.. a whole lotta "OMG!!"'s.. he was looking MIGH-TY fine I must say!!) so we just kept on going. I really wanted to stop and talk to him and tell him everything, and explain how Stacy is fucking wrong and that I am not a controlling psycho. I need to talk to him.. soon. Maybe I'll go over Kim's house this weekend and call him and have him come down. I just need to explain. Goddamnit. I don't want this to be the way it is. I don't want it to be the end. Just because of Stacy's fucking assumptions and stupid fucking mouth. I have never been so upset and disappointed with her. Ever. I don't even know what to say about the whole situation anymore. I have lost all hope. There is nothing. No glimmer, no light at the end of the tunnell. God. I have no chance in hell ever finding someone to be with. I am so completely doomed I can't take it. It always gets ruined no matter what. I might as well turn lesbian for crying out loud. Fucking A. Ugh. I can't write anymore. <3 me

..and I don't wanna feel like I am strong enough [24 Nov 2003|09:27pm] [ mood | okay ] [ music | Seether - [[Broken] ] Yah so I haven't been around in a long whiles. There is just so much going on and so little time for everything. Between school, work and attempting to have a social life; it's a miracle that I'm not a zombie. I work so fucking much. I only have had one day off for the past two weeks. Hopefully that changes pretty damn quick. I can't stand it, eventhough work isn't hard at all. Actually pretty enjoyable. This weekend was a good time. Considering I had to get up at six in the morning to go to work. I went and saw Elf with my favorite ladies. We ended up going to Farells to see this guy that Kimmy works with. Holy fucking hell is that guy gorgeous! Everything I could ever ask for in a guy. He looks like Pauly Tuetle (the son from American Chopper) mixed with Johnny Depp. He's got tattos, he's into WCC, he's honestly perfect in every physical way. We got there and he comes out, and Kim just asks him for a cigarette for me and Em. Not even a "Hey". I was like "Kim!! That's so fucking rude!!" then he goes "I only have one left, but I'll run over and get you some." WHAT?! How awesome! Then he asked us what we were up to and then he goes "You guys can come over to my place and drink after I get out of work." I almost shit my pants. Not only was he totally BLAZIN (I only use this ghetto word in extreme cases here.. so you know I gotta be serious!!) but he also wanted to hang out with us. WOW. When Amy was bringing us home "Hot Mama" came on the radio and I go "Hot Mama?? How 'bout HOT PAPA!!" so now whenever we hear that song we replace Mama with Papa, and we've offically dedicated it to Mark. Goddamn.. Yeah so shit is going relativly well I suppose. Nothing major to report. Nothing at all actually. Kinda disappointing, but whatever. I've decided that I am no longer going to try. Why waste my time on someone that doesn't feel the same way back? It's pointless and it's only going to come back in bite me in the ass later on. Still haven't figured out why I continuosly do this to myself time and time again. Goddamn I am a fucking fool. So I am back to the good ole method of forcing myself to stop liking him. Not that this works very well (certainly didn't with Brandon) but I figure, what the hell do I have to lose now? Can't get much worse at this point. Whatever. I don't even know how the hell it came to this point. I don't even know why the hell I started liking him. I wish that I didn't looking back at it now. It definetly had it's fucking awesome moments (i.e. Kim's house, soccer games..), but now shit has take a nose dive down the shitter. I rarely talk to him. I still firmly believe that he likes Stacy. I swear to it. Kim tells me diferently. She probably knows something that I don't.. well obviously. Not like she's going to tell me. Because if it was anything good she would of said something. Elise.. get over it. Move on. Wish that I could. Not very possible or likely. If this turns into another Brandon thing when I'm totally wrapped up with him for basically an entire year.. I will shoot my fucking brains out. I honestly don't think I could possibly handle that again. It just pisses me off, and upsets me that shit was going so fucking great for the longest time, and suddenly (I think this is when my "friends" started being all over his shit, when then never knew he exsisted before I started liking him..) when down hill, and fast. But all I can do now is forget about it and move on. Back to forcing myself to stop liking him. I just want to get over him, and all the memories and move on. I really shouldn't listen to this song it just depresses me. But I love it. I highly reccomend everyone go out and buy the cd.. because every song is fucking awesome. Or at least dl this song. Welp. I need to get some sleep. I tired of thinking, and hoping, and remembering and reminising. The "what if's" and "coulda beens" are driving me insane. And I can't take it anymore. Someone help me. Please. <3 me

[17 Nov 2003|08:10pm] [ mood | relieved ] [ music | Deep Blue Something [[Breakfast At Tiffany's] ] I swear to christ. I don't think I have ever been more bored then I was at work today. I did nothing productice at all. I filled out a whole bunch of paper work. Most of it seemed pretty pointless to me. My dad filled out all the tax information shit. I obviously had no understanding of that at all. After I finished doing an endless load of paper work, I had to read this thick ass 3 ring binder. It was full of a bunch of bull shit that I really have no use for. Mostly shit that only nurses would use. This took like an hour and a half. Then I had to watch the most boring movies in the entire fucking world. Two of them were like 20 minutes. One about TB and the other was about resident rights. Then the other one was about exposure control. This one had me falling asleep. Again, nothing about dietary.. at all. There was no point to it. I swear to you. And it was an hour and a half long. I was going to kill someone. Ugh. Thankfully tomorrow I actually get to be in the kitchen and do shit. And Terry is working and he is going to teach me the ropes. That should be an amusing time. lol. Half days Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Thank god for those parent teacher confrences that everyone had BUT the high school. Good shit. But for now.. I think I am going to hop in the shower and relax the rest of the night. And smoke. I didn't get to have one when I got home, and I can't during breaks at work since my dad works there. Which kinda sucks, but if I can do it for school, I can do it for work. But when you are sitting in a room all by yourself watching boring movies, filling out paper work, and reading this retarded info book, you really, really want one. Bad. Ok. I'm done. lol 1<3 me

[13 Nov 2003|07:30pm] [ mood | refreshed ] [ music | Bryan Adams [[I Do It For You] ] I downloaded "(Everything I Do) I Do It For You" by Bryan Adams. I absolutely LOVE this song. I remember when I was younger I used to watch Robin Hood all the time, just to see the music video at the end. This song is just fucking incredible. And because I love this song so much, I am going to add the lyrics: "(Everything I Do) I Do It For You" Look into my eyes - you will see What you mean to me Search your heart - search your soul And when you find me there you'll search no more Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for You know it's true Everything I do - I do it for you Look into my heart - you will find There's nothin' there to hide Take me as I am - take my life I would give it all I would sacrifice Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for I can't help it there's nothin' I want more Ya know it's true Everything I do - I do it for you There's no love - like your love And no other - could give more love There's nowhere - unless you're there All the time - all the way Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for I can't help it there's nothin' I want more I would fight for you - I'd lie for you Walk the wire for you - Ya I'd die for you Ya know it's true Everything I do - I do it for you How amazing. Those lyrics are so excellent. I also downloaded "Breakfast At Tiffanys" by Deep Blue Something. I remember in like 4th or 5th grade I though that that song was the shit. Recently Emmy has been singing it a lot. And I downloaded for both our listening pleasures. So today was a pretty swell day. Nothing went wrong. Man I was dressed like the biggest bumb ever. I had my Hometown shrit and my longjohn like shirt underneath it. And I wore John old ripped up, paint and oil stained hoodie. But whatever. I was comfortable. lol. Cam talked to me at random times of the day. I was on my way to Geometry and he's walking by and he goes "Heyyyy!!!" and then after Civics I was at my locker and he came down the hall and goes "Hey Elise, what's goin on??" Random, yes. But it was cool. I think that this weekend should be fun. I hope so. Amy is down in Florida for National Honors Society with some people from school and won't be back until Tuesday. Which sucks. So no hanging out with Ames this weekend. :( I am so glad that her and James are going out. And she's wanted this to happen for the longest time, and now it has and she's so incredibly happy. Yay for Amy!! :) Hey it's snowing out!! How cool. It probably won't accumulate to anything. But that's ok. I love how when it snows that everything gets so quiet, calm and peaceful. Like for the time that it's snowing, there is nothing wrong in the world. Everything is perfect and beautiful. Nothing could ever go wrong. It's so fresh and clean you can't help but be happy when it snows. Its just a nice reasurring time. I am in a really good mood right now. I downloaded some awesome songs, and it's snowing. How awesome. :) 1<3 me

lol [12 Nov 2003|06:04pm] [ mood | amused ] Brendan does amuse me. And he makes me feel loved.. eventhough he doesn't like looking at my bloody hand.. and it greedy because he doesn't like to give me doritos. Goocher00 [4:43 PM]: IM NOT JEWISH YOU JEW Goocher00 [4:44 PM]: HAAHAHAHAHA Goocher00 [4:44 PM]: YOU FOOL Goocher00 [4:44 PM]: IGOT YOU Goocher00 [4:44 PM]: 8-) RebelCO2 [4:44 PM]: Have I told you recently that I hate you? Goocher00 [4:44 PM]: LOL RebelCO2 [4:44 PM]: Oh wait yes indeed I did Goocher00 [4:44 PM]: hahsahah RebelCO2 [4:44 PM]: I HATE YOU Goocher00 [4:44 PM]: shut up Goocher00 [4:44 PM]: you love me RebelCO2 [4:45 PM]: Says who?? Goocher00 [4:45 PM]: you Goocher00 [4:45 PM]: alright well i gotta go Goocher00 [4:45 PM]: i love you elisa RebelCO2 [4:45 PM]: Hahah.. ok ok Goocher00 [4:45 PM]: :-D Goocher00 [4:45 PM]: :-) Goocher00 [4:45 PM]: :-P RebelCO2 [4:45 PM]: I LOVE YOU TOO BRENDAN!!! RebelCO2 [4:45 PM]: :-D Goocher00 [4:45 PM]: bye bye RebelCO2 [4:45 PM]: Byeeee <3 me

Woot Woot!! [12 Nov 2003|04:18pm] [ mood | surprised ] I TOTALLY kicked Portland High Schools ass this term!!! 5 A's!!! Helllll yea!!! I almost shit my pants. I had NO idea that I did that well. Got two B-'s and a D+ for Miles.. but I expected that. If I didn't get the D+ I would of made the honor roll. But I am pretty goddamn happy with what I got. My mom was really happy, so of course that made it even better. After school I went and filled out my application with my Dad. We went down to Irelands.. of course.. and I had some Shirley Temples. Good shit. So I am starting on Monday, and I need to go get white pants and white shirts. I am really glad that I am finally going to be working. I feel so accomplished and productive now. I am doing awesome in school and I now have a job. It feels so rewarding to actually be doing things and not sitting on your ass all day long. But I really can't believe how well I did in school this term. I mean 5 A's!!!??? I have never gotten that many A's on one report card.. all at the same time. It's about time that I am actually doing well. Junior year. Ha. But it does count the most this year. And I am doing fucking awesome! I just really need to bring up my English grade. I think with going to extra help and doing the process for vocab that he showed us, I can pull out somewhere in the B range. That would be mighty swell. Now that I almost made honors, I really want to make it now. I think I will be able to do it. No.. I WILL be able to do it. I am in a spectacular mood right now. And I talked to Cameron for a little while after school too. Which was pretty cool. So it was a damn good day. Besides the fact that I stabed myself in the hand when Kim was banging her pen on the table during Open. That kinda sucked. And hurt, and it was really bloody. But whatever. I'm still hanging in there. The left side of my body just isn't doing to swell this week. Oh wellls. But what are you gonna do?? Yeah. So now I am going to go finish the Miles homework, do some more for the project (which is kicking major ass thanks to Rickey and his crazy fucking brainstorms), and then who knows what. Maybe I'll end up falling asleep again at 9:00. Who knows. 2<3 me

No school today!! [11 Nov 2003|12:23pm] [ mood | numb ] Make that numb literally. I just got my tooth pulled about an hour ago. It really wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. The left side of my mouth and lips are completely numb, and a little bit of my nose. When I touch my lips and my nose, it's like I'm touching someone elses face. Really weird. But I can feel where my tooth used to be and it feels really disgusting, and I keep on touching it with my toung when I don't mean too!! So no school today thanks to all those great war veterans. Of course I had a great time last night and after school. Considering it was like a Friday. After school my dad was supposed to pick me up and bring me down to work to fill out an application to make everything official. That didn't happen. He picked me up as soon as Rickey and I came out of the woods from having a cigarette, and he brought me home. Pretty damn pointless. So I got home and called Amy, and her, James and Emmy came over for a couple of hours and we just chilled in my room and laughed a whole lot. It was a really amusing time. I went home with Emmy. Man does that girl owe me BIIIIIG time. Since I love her family, and I am such a nice person, I helped clean up the house. I helped Jill make dinner, and then I went into disgusting, nasty territory; Emilys bathroom. Anyone who has been in Emilys room and bathroom, knows how filthy and nausiating it is. And yes, I fucking cleaned that bitch. Every fucking square inch. Me. That's right. I won't even go on and tell you all of the things that I picked up in there. Rubber gloves, their a good thing. I washed the floor, scrubed the toilet, cleaned the bathtub, and cleaned the sink and couter. I even organized undreneath the sink for this girl. Rick and Jill payed me 10 dollars, which I didn't want to take. They basically forced it into my pocket. They said they wanted to give me more, which certainly wasn't neccessary. I love them, they are the cutest people in the entire world. :) Em, me and Kim decided that we wanted to go to Farrells for dinner, so to Farrells we went. We got there, and it was really busy, so Matt Hetrick said he would save us a table. We went to Tri-Town to while we waited. We crossed 66 and we being so fucking retarded walking down the street (Daredevils!! YAY!!) it was a good time. Got to Tri-Town and hung out with Buddy, Hollie, and Matt Tobler (Haven't seen that guy since like 8th grade!!) and it was really funny. Captain met us there too. Outside at the bottle returns was a super experience. Kim pusing Captain around in the shopping cart almost made me piss my pants. (Wow.. my tooth really hurts, and I really want a cig right about now..!!) We hung out there for like 1/2 hour and headed back to Farrells. Farrells food kicks ass man!! Chicken strips and honey mustard sauce are the fucking greatest!! They have the most awesome honey mustard sauce on the planet. I swear. We all got Shirley Temples too. Man do I love those. Soo good. After Farrells, we headed back across 66 to Cumbies. We saw Erica and Rickey there, so we ran over (I almost got hit by a car, but was saved by the heroic Captain) there. It was me, Em, Kim, Captain, Erica, Rickey, Chris Brown and Shanna (she's a cool chick). We were all hanging out and having a good time dancing and stuff. Chris picked me up and threw me upside down numerous times. It was really frightning. so amny things to laugh about. We didn't want to get the cops called on us for loitering, so we all packed it into Ericas little Jetta. 8 people in a tiny little Jetta. Here's how it went. Shanna, Captain and Kim sitting in the back, with Emmy and Chris laid across them, Erica in the drivers seat, Rickey in the passengers, and me on his lap. He closed my fingers in the window. That one hurt. I turned my head and looked in the back and burst out laughing because all I see is body parts EVERYWHERE!!! It was hilarious. So we drove next door to Napa, and chilled in the back parking lot. We had the music going, people we dancing. It was a super time. I got in Chris' hoodie with him. Dear lord. I thought I was going to choke to death. And it certainly didn't help when Kim kept on trying to tackle us. Then me and Chris fell on the ground. That was bad. Pretty damn difficult trying to get back up. We had everyone basically pissing their pants. He molested me quite a lot last night. He got on my back, and felt the need to hold onto my boobs, instead of my shoulders. Then when we all packed it back into the car to get warm, I was sitting on my lap, and he kept grabbing my boobs and my crotch. Mr. Grabby Hands that boy is. But he's so goddamn hillarious. We were listening to music, and Rickey rips off his shirts and starts dancing. It had to of been like 20 degrees out. He is absolutely NUTS! Shanna called Kayla, and she said that she was coming down. So we waited for her for like forever. It was so cold. I know I have been colder, but this was definelty one of the coldest. At one point I got underneath Chris' hoodies again to keep warm. I just hugged him to try and defrost. He smelled really good too. Then Em and Kim got under too.. lol. Kayla eventually made her way down, and then Dan Kelsey came too. That gay asshole Brenden pulled in and pulled out. Good. I hate him. Dan came and I threw myself into his Carhartt jacket, and he was really warm too. He gave me and extra jacket that he had. We all hung out for a little more. Then Erica, Rickey and Chris left. And it was just us, and Dan, and Kayla. Dan had his arms around me and Kim to keep us warm. Why was it sooo goddamn cold out!!?? He had to go bring Caty Jurzack home, then he came back and brought us home. Em and I were the smart one and called shoddy, so Captain and Kim had to sit in the bed. HAHA!! I bet they were never colder in their entire lives. On the way to Ems house to pick up her stuff, I saw something run across the road, and I thought I was seeing shit. Then I see a red hoodie and I yell "CHILDREN!! I SEE CHILDREN!!" So Dan throws the truck in reverse and it was Ems brother Timmy, his hot for an 8th grader friend Chris, and Ben Luckhardt. They jumped in the back with Kim and Captain and we brought them back to Ems. After Em got her shit, he brought us home, passing a cop on the way while we were driving "NASCAR" style, and then you see Captain and Kim slink down in the back. Haha. Yeah, so all the ladies slept over again. We talked to Dan most of the night, and Em text messaged Mike, and attempted to talk to him. Of course Kim was the first to fall asleep and I tortured her, threw shoes at her like old times. Em and I went to bed at like 2:00.. and got up at 8:30. Fun. They all left at like 10:30. Went to the dentist, and here I am now. Kim and Rickey are coming over later to work on the Miles project again. Let's see if we actually get any work done this time. Unlike last time... Well. I am in pain. And I think I am going to take some pain killers and go lay down. Bye <3 me

Gots me a job!! [09 Nov 2003|07:37pm] [ mood | accomplished ] I now have a job. I, Elise Keser have a fucking JOB!!! I'm going to be working for my dad in the kitchen at the Convalecent home. It's nothing special, but I am going to be making my own money!! I get to work with Terry, which should be extremely amusing. My dad came here today and goes "Do you know anyone who needs a job?" I go, "Yeah, you're looking at her." So he laid down all the rules. Some I understand, and some are pretty retarded like I have to call him "Mr.Keser".. wtf?? I can't just call him dad?? Everyone else there calls him Chummley. He said that he makes Terry call him Mr. Keser too. Mmm k. But I am just glad to be having a job!! I get to make my own fucking money. And like after 90 days, I'll be making 9.00 an hour!! Good fucking shit! Tomorrow he's picking me up from school so I can go down and fill out an application, but I basically already have it. Just need to make it offical. He wants me to start on Tuesday.. but I have a dentist appointment.. I'm getting my tooth pulled. I know I am going to scream like a little bitch, even with all the novacaine. I'm a pussy like that. Yes. Since I have a job now, I am going to make my own money, AND now I finally get to go get my permit. The only draw back of working down there is on the weekends I'll have to go in at 6 A.M. sometimes. But not all the time. I think I can handle that. I am really excited. I know how to do everything, so it won't be that hard. So sometime next week I am starting. Good shit. It's about time that I finally got a job. Yay!!! 4<3 me

[09 Nov 2003|01:16pm] [ mood | good ] [ music | Seether [[Sympathetic] ] It's definetly been a really good weekend. Friday was a lot of fun. Went to Amys house with Emmy, Kim, Captain, James, Jacob and Wnuk. Good times!! Valley View was SO much fun!! I love these people. We always have such an awesome time. Last night me, Emmy, Amy and James went up to Valley View again to watch the lunar eclipse. It was sooo pretty. Captain came too.. I have no idea what was wrong with her. She was in a horrible mood. She separated herself from the rest of us. We kept telling her to come over with us, but she wouldn't. She ended up calling her mom to come get her. I read her journal and it was saying all this shit about how she had such a horrible time and she "forced" herself to go. That pisses me off, but whatever. Anyways.. the rest of us definetly had an awesome time. Soo many things that made me laugh. I haven't laughed so hard in such a loooong time. I love all of them. We went to Taco Bell in Cromwell.. because we were jonesin for some tacos and nachoes. That was funny. Then we drove through the state forrest and went to the place in Glastonbury that had the AWESOME fucking view of Hartford it was so pretty. I love going up there. It's so pretty at night and in the day time. I came home and passed out at like 11:30. It was such an eventful weekend and I was so goddamn tired. Everything with Face is straight now. Which makes me happy. She realizes what she was doing and apologized for it. I am really fucking cold. My fingers feel lifeless. I hate when it gets cold out like this. It's such a beautiful, sunny day. But I don't wanna go out there because it's so fucking cold!! Damn you!! lol This is so very random, but I would have to say that Seether had to be one of the greatest bands of all time. Their cd is so fucking awesome. I love it. Every song I can relate to. The lyrics are so fucking great. I think that I am going to add them in here... ________________ And I’m sympathetic, never letting on I feel the way I do. As I’m falling apart again at the seam The same old feelings are taking over and I can’t seem to make them go away And I can’t take all the pressure sober, but I can’t seem to make it go away "Sympathetic" _______________ ‘Cause I can’t seem to show you what you wanna see I can never give you anything you need I’m sick of wasting time on what can never be I cannot control you into wanting me "Your Bore" _______________ I wanna be there when you call I wanna catch you when you fall I wanna be the one you need I wanna be the one you breathe But I’m coming back, and I’m taking back everything I can It’s breaking me up and tearing me up It’s all I have "Fade Away" ______________ But I’m coming back, and I’m taking back everything I can It’s breaking me up and tearing me up It’s all I have ‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open And I don’t feel like I am strong enough ‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome And I don’t feel light when you’re gone away "Broken" <3 me

'Cause I'm broken... [05 Nov 2003|10:10pm] [ mood | drained ] [ music | Seether [[Broken]] ] I don't understand why friends have to be such assholes. You think you know someone, think they care about you, and your feelings. Then they pull one of those dick moves. Actually many dick moves.. on a daily basis. Stacy knows that I like Cameron. But do you think this stops her from flirting with him on a daily basis, right in front of my face? Nope. Not at all. And it's not like I'm crazy, because other people have told me that they've seen her do it. The thing that pisses me off the most is that she never acknowledged his exsistence until I started liking him. I've said something to her about it before. Of course she denied it, saying that she never intentionally talks to him or "flirts" with him. But she does it, and it pisses me off more than anything in the world. She has Buddy. Why is she doing this to me? I have never, and would never do anything like that to her. Kim bitched her out yesturday online. Good. Then she called me up asking me why I had Kim yell at her. Yah I didn't even know Kim was going to do anythnig. But Kim is actually a true friend, and looks out for me, and doesn't wanna see me get hurt. Unlike some assholes that I have chosen as friends. How can you call someone like that a friend? I mean really. Whenever I am talking to Cameron, whenever he comes up to my locker and talks to me, she has to walk herself over and stick herself in the conversation. And she doesn't do it intentionally? My asshole. She can't say that she doesn't know she's doing it. How could she not?? It's so fucking obviuous. And I've had numerous people come up and say shit to me about it. She's always touching him, and talking to him in that flirty tone. It makes me so upset. She never did this when she was going out with Dan Kelsey. That's because Tj was there, and he would tell Dan everything. But since no one is in school to tell Buddy, she goes and flirts with anything that owns a penis. I don't even care that she flirts with other people. Whatever, that's her business. But not with Cameron. She knows that I like him. But she obviously doesn't care. And that just pisses me off, and makes me want to kick her in her teeth. And she always acts like she never does anything wrong. What the fuck ever. I hate her at this moment in time. It's like an unwritten rule that you don't flirt with your best friends crush. Everything was going so perfect with Cameron. That is until she butted in. And now it's so far from how it used to be, I can't even remember the way it was. And that sucks so bad. Because no matter who I like, how close I get to being happy, it always gets taken away from me somehow. I can never be happy no matter how hard I try. I think this is destinys way of telling me that I am supposed to be alone. I will never be content or happy, or satisfied. There will always be someone there to bring me down. And what hurts the most is that it's one of my best friends that I have always been there for for whatever she's needed. Always. And the one time that I wanted something so bad.. she takes it away. God. I was so close. So close.. "‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open And I don’t feel like I am strong enough ‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away" 1<3 me

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