Jamie's journal

> recent entries
> calendar
> friends
> profile
> previous 20 entries

Sunday, March 7th, 2004
9:44 pm - Sucky
I honestly cannot understand how I want to be with someone whom I have never even met. I'm just hoping it's not my imagination that is making me feel like I want to meet him. I just want a chance, that's all.

current mood: erratically emotional
current music: Simon & Garfunkel - The Boxer

(comment on this)

Sunday, February 15th, 2004
6:52 pm - I feel like a bitch
I can't help but feel jealous, scared, etc. about this new girl of John's. I'll say it as much as I can because its the truth, I want him to be happy...but God damn the way I feel now. I know I won't be able to stay over there during summer if he has a girlfriend. I will not stay with a guy's family if he is in a relationship. I just couldn't. But I also want to go to England terribly so...and the only way I can afford it is by taking his offer of staying with him and his family. I just want him to notice me, that maybe that it is possible that I really feel something for him other than friendship. I just want him to recognise me. I'm such a fool...If I can't go to England because he has a girlfriend, I don't know how I'd feel...because I don't want to go just to meet him...I want to go because I want to be in England. I want to be there. The more I think about the more I feel like I'm losing my best friend all over again. Losing Preston because of a girlfriend hurt me. More than I could have known and more than I want to admit...It made me not want to have friends ever again...I just can't do this anymore. I can't. I'm tired of being alone, I'm tired of being by myself, I'm tired of not having anyone there for me. Words are wonderful but they don't keep you warm at night.

current mood: crushed

(comment on this)

Tuesday, February 10th, 2004
9:15 pm - My girlish notions attempted to pull rank on me
I just don't understand what's going on with me. For one thing, the Anita Blake novels are a very bad, extremely delicious habit I've picked up. I've forced myself to put them down for now. But still lingers, is this very real, and possibly normal feeling. Of all the times in my life so far, I've never needed another to be there for me. And don't get me wrong, not just any person but a man. And now that feeling of needing someone is so strong but so is the feeling of wanting to run away. I just want to get away from it. God, as wonderful as it would be to be in the arms of someone who wants and needs me as much as I need and want them...I just don't think I'd be able to handle it. And I don't know why...all I know is that I can't keep my eyes open anymore.

current mood: exhausted
current music: Call It Love - Deuce

(comment on this)

Sunday, February 8th, 2004
1:30 am - Always the shoulder to cry on...
I'm damn near exhausted emotionally trying to help Chris get through this crazy breakup. I can't stand people who feel sorry for themselves, even though I know I used to be the same and still am sometimes. It's only as bad as you make it. You are only as strong as you make yourself to be. I wanted to scream at him saying that I've been waiting the whole weekend to hear from a part of my family I've never met, she promised she'd call, that things would be different this time around, we will meet and get to know each other. Funny, as much as I want to believe her, I don't. And it's this that gets me through. This acquired, albeit...sad, ability to not feel when I should. If I let all the events of my past affect me now, I wouldn't even want to imagine where I'd be. I wouldn't be who I am right now. I'm a strong person, I'm able to get through my day without needing someone to be there for me. The only person you can trust in your life is yourself. And I believe it, because that's why I am who I am and where I am in my life. God, I wanted to tell him to get over it, get over your shortcomings, quit believing that you are the one who is not up to standard.

I'm making things difficult for myself. I'm forgetting myself. I want to believe so much that he does exist out there, this amazing person who really does care for me, who'd protect me and comfort me. I want to believe that there is someone who'll hold me when I need to held. I think I know him, but it's such an awkward situation and an unrealistic one. It's funny though..this thought that I just might actually let myself fall completely for him..because there is so much there for me, friendship, respect, laughter, a tentative love...more like fondness. Its just a matter of remembering where I am. My feet are on the ground, my heart is still inside and my mind is in the clouds.

When I close my eyes, something wells up inside of me pushing everything tight against my skin...the something is hollow though, making room for something else. And its emptiness isn't painful, it's bittersweet. Expectant. It reacts to certain thoughts and reverberates through my entire body, making it difficult to breathe but I still smile because it's a wonderful feeling. I don't know what it is...

current mood: exhausted
current music: Close Your Eyes (Buffy & Angel Love Theme) - Christopher Beck

(comment on this)

Sunday, January 11th, 2004
9:33 pm - i hope this isn't a predecessing moment of the rest of the semester...


current mood: tired
current music: Cars - Gary Numan....i know..

(comment on this)

Saturday, January 3rd, 2004
9:44 pm - so many emotions, only one situation
I can't believe the number of feelings I'm feeling at the moment. Foolish, though, is perhaps the most tangible one. Time can never mend the careless whispers of a good friend...stupid lyric, but true to the situation. I just feel as if I'll never get my chance. He says things that make it seem so possible, and i know we're just friends, but he turns around and tells me "oo she's lovely, we get on so well, her parents think i'm Gods gift to her" Kiss my ass. I hate knowing I'm just another one. That's all I am. I don't think I can believe otherwise.

current mood: hurt, foolish, indifferent
current music: very lovely alto soprano on K-19: Widowmaker

(comment on this)

9:44 pm - so many emotions, only one situation
I can't believe the number of feelings I'm feeling at the moment. Foolish, though, is perhaps the most tangible one. Time can never mend the careless whispers of a good friend...stupid lyric, but true to the situation. I just feel as if I'll never get my chance. He says things that make it seem so possible, and i know we're just friends, but he turns around and tells me "oo she's lovely, we get on so well, her parents think i'm Gods gift to her" Kiss my ass. I hate knowing I'm just another one. That's all I am. I don't think I can believe otherwise.

current mood: hurt, foolish, indifferent
current music: very lovely alto soprano on K-19: Widowmaker

(comment on this)

Monday, December 29th, 2003
8:52 pm - It's been a while...
I took the long way home from town the other day and stopped by the Springs. Everytime I think of this, it's still a small wonder to me how fast the year went. Which is exactly what it has been, a year since...everything. I've learned so much about myself this past semester. I've learned so much about my life and the people in it. No matter what I want to tell myself, I'm really not alone nor unloved. Dramatic thoughts, yes...but life is dramatic.
I've had to reassess a lot of my dreams also. Redistribute priorities and possibilities. One important one has been studying in England. If I'm struggling now to find money for tuition here, how in the world would I even afford tuition abroad? And I only have 3 semesters left here also. I've decided to work as much as I can throughout this coming semester, take that money, buy myself a ticket, work the first few months of summer and vacation the two weeks my friend has off in England. I get a good feeling about it.
I feel as if I've been pushed into the longest line at the rollercoaster called life and reluctantly strapped into my seat. I want to go, but I want to go my own way. I don't want to follow everyone else. I want to stand apart from the crowd.
I was thinking last night of Chris and Crystal. It gives me quite an odd feeling to know that they're engaged now. They've been together since two weeks, or something like that, after I ended things with him. One part of me wishes I held on longer, another wishes I were Crystal and the rest is glad things ended up this way for him. Then I started thinking of my parents, whose 14th anniversary was yesterday. And then Kelly and her Chris. And James and Elizabeth. And John and Emma. It seemed as if everyone I knew had, and still has, this one great love in their life, and I don't. I wonder if it's because I stopped myself from having that, or it just hasn't happened. And if it hasn't happened, maybe because its meant not to happen. Actually....I just wonder.

current mood: quiet, contemplative...
current music: Law and Order is on in the background...

(comment on this)

Wednesday, July 30th, 2003
10:47 pm - ....
I need a hug.

...And a cuddle.


And a kiss goodnight while I fall asleep in someone's arms.

current mood: sleepy
current music: Evanescence - My Immortal

(comment on this)

Tuesday, July 29th, 2003
8:33 pm - He said finding guys was like climbing an apple tree...
The analogy has been stuck in my head all day. This is, paraphrased of course, what he told me. I settle for all the bad apples on the ground, maybe even the sour ones at the bottom branches. Because I'm afraid to climb to the top for the ripe, good apples because I'm afraid of the fall. lol I want to tell him, I think I'm starting to climb it. Because of him. For him. And it has to be the worst thing I could ever do. I'm setting myself up for heartache, I know it. Granted, I know we'll meet someday. And he is one of my best friends. And I'm a good friend to him, one of his best friends too. I just admire him, love him. I know I'd have fun with him, I have fun with him already...and all we do is talk. lol He's sweet, funny...definately cute with the potentional for sexiness, I'm sure. Knows what he wants, and what he stands for. The more I know about him, the more I like him. This is definately a crush in the purest form, I know it. Just a crush...

current mood: relaxed
current music: hehe An episode of Seinfeld

(comment on this)

Friday, July 18th, 2003
10:31 pm
Am I really so shallow that all I seem to speak of is relationships and the fact that I don't believe love is for me and that I'll never know either of those? I'm at a loss for words. Kelly and her ridiculous clingy pathetic ways with her ex-boyfriend, John with his bitching about never having a right girl then always getting one therefore reminding me completely of how I felt when Preston finally got a real girlfriend, Jen and her finally being happy with someone but wondering still about Ben, my fucking parents and their soulmate status. You know...I've been to three matching websites, the personals ones where they match you up according to your attributes and desires. All three: "A match could not be found for you. May we suggest you alter your information?" How in the hell can I alter something that is me? And what I want and have? Bullshit. That's all it is. Bullshit. God forbid I neglect to mention the fact that people (ie couples) have been practicing PDA as if its going out of style. Like I need to see that shit. If I'm so happy with myself, and unfraid to be by myself, then why do I feel like crying right now?

I know I shouldn't even say this, considering I've never met the kid but he does happen to be one of my better friends as far as the internet and telephone can allow, but everytime I'd mention to him that one of my friends was having a rough time relationships wise, he would always say "Well, you should get her and I together then. I'd treat her right." When he knows full well my relationship miseries, yet does he say "Well, you and I should get together then. I'd treat you right." Granted there was the post break-up "You're a wonderful girl, why aren't I with you?" But that was just heartache speaking, I'm glad I ended up not daydreaming about it. Granted, I don't even think I'd attempt anything that revolves around an intimate relationship with him...but its just the whole..idea of it. That I would be the one treated like a girl, that I would be the girl guys would want to protect, to have fun with, be romantic with. Its true that if he does do the things he says he does for a girl, then yeah...I'd be hard-pressed not to wonder what it might feel like.

current mood: annoyed, lonely, confused
current music: listening to Dead Like Me on the television

(comment on this)

Friday, July 11th, 2003
9:56 pm - bah..relationships
Maybe it is because my "single-ness", maybe it isn't, but I can't stop noticing, seeing, hearing about, wondering about relationships. I am talking about the basic boy-girl relationship. Or man-woman. Whatever. Granted its hard not to notice two people who just seem to think they are the only ones present in their moment as they consume each other. And there are things I just don't understand (i.e., am jealous of) about relationships. For one, why, pray tell, if you argue over the same thing all the time, are you still together? Why bother? Why not avoid it all together? But that miraculous little binding agent called "love" is what makes it worth it. Right. Ok, so I don't understand the arguements. Two, why be with someone, share your life, your plans, your thoughts, decisions, etc. when you know you won't last a lifetime? And most importantly, why be with someone when you don't know if you'll last a lifetime?
I am extremely selfish at this point in my life. I don't like having to make decisions and plans for two people. Especially trying to make plans that satisfy both parties. Maybe ...just maybe I've been told too many times that I'm not thought of as a girl (once was all it took...). Maybe I've been told too many times how much my friends or sister could be happy with him. "If she were with me, I'd definately show her how it feels to be treated like a princess." Please. I'm not a girl? I don't deserve to be treated like a princess? Do I revel just a little too much in my independence? All I want is to be treated like a female. Actually...to be thought of as one. You don't have to set me up with a guy. Maybe I want to be with you? Maybe...I want to see what its like to be with you? He certainly says that all the girls like him, he treats them well..they usually end up taking advantage of them, which I know I would never do, and he knows it! I know he does.

God, that's all I want. Is to be thought of and treated as a female. I want to be flirted with, to be....whatever. Whatever guys do with girls when they like them. Hm...and I think that's the answer to my problem. God, I'm bitter and I'm only 19.

current mood: frustrated lonely bitter horny

(comment on this)

Saturday, July 5th, 2003
12:24 am - what else could this be about?
Well, it's happened. He broke up with her. But she's poured everything fiber of her being into him. And if he is gone, she is gone. I can't believe how pathetic the whole situation is. She's almost 18, he's just turning 16. And she says "Just wait. Two days he'll come back to me." After bursting into tears today so bad that mom and dad had to come drive her home because she couldn't drive anymore, she ends up seeing him in town during the fireworks. Afterwards, on the drive back home, I ask what's happened (as I've noticed her mood has improved but she's being bitchy about dad's protectivness). She said, "I saw him." As if everything he has ever done to her was erased at the mere sight of him. I swear to the heavens that I would give my every chance at love up to see her with someone she deserves. But if she keeps this up, she does deserve him. She's asking for it. She's lost all her values, her standards, everything she believes in because she wants to stay with this one boy. This child.

She's still planning on doing what she wanted to do for his 16th birthday. 16 balloons, a candlelight picnic on the beach. And the asshole that he is, he'll probably let her do it and still tell her I don't want to be with you. I'm just so confused. I want to dig inside her heart and mind and see how she really feels. I love her and I can't stand to see her disappear before my eyes. No woman in her right mind would put up with cheating, lying, indifference, purposely not being home when you know when your girlfriend is calling. But granted...she is obsessed with him. And I don't know why.

current music: listening to the movie Bull Durham

(comment on this)

Tuesday, July 1st, 2003
10:20 pm - i'm so glad i don't have kids
I'm glad I was never one of the many of the few girls in my senior class who became pregnant. I am just way too selfish for children right now. The reason for this nauseating thought is because my nieces and nephew are staying with us. .... Anyway. I'm just....so tired. Of everything. Of lack of sleep. Of my life. Of my dreams. My convictions are contradicting and making me heart-weary. At night I practically fall alseep with the arms of loneliess around me and by day I'm thanking heavens that I don't have to put up with the crap that men give women. And women give men. And that reminds me. Sitting in the booth today when the early evening lull kicked in I started thinking. Actually I realised that even if I were presented with ...whatever, for lack of a better word, my conception of prince charming, I wouldn't know what to do. I mean, I wouldn't know what do with him, for him, ...and it makes me feel utterly..lost. Granted I'm a quick learner and I know how to do a lot of things. I just don't know how to love. Make love, hehe, that's a different story....but to love, I'm the proverbial new born babe.

current mood: numb

(comment on this)

Saturday, June 28th, 2003
11:06 pm
wildhoney83
Magic Number15
JobDespot
PersonalityDrifter
TemperamentAn Oft-Exploding Volcano
SexualStraight
Likely To WinTime Off For Good Behaviour
Me - In A WordSubtle
Colour
Brought to you by MemeJack

(comment on this)

Tuesday, June 24th, 2003
10:53 pm
That's all I can say. Pathetic. That's how I feel. Well, not mostly. Mostly I feel angry, pissed, hurt, confused, wonderous, curious and stubborn in a way that I think I'm just going to have to live with. I have up to this point been either the friend or the woman. Never the girl. Don't get me wrong, I like being friends with guys much better than girls. And I like sex, when its with someone whom I have mutual attraction with and who understands what I want from that relationships. Which is usually just to have fun with each other. Literally and figuratively. I've gone from being told that "I don't think of you as a girl." to (post-sex, mind you) "You're an amazing strong woman. Give me another one." Ok, that last bit was out of spite on my part. But never...ever can I recall being the girl that a guy felt like he wanted to protect. Granted I can take care of myself...but still. I've never known what it feels like to truly ...love someone. And I told my friend this, that I made a pact with myself. I won't have sex anymore until I'm in love with that person. He laughed and said "You won't continue that...at least not once you and I do it." I have a feeling he was just trying to lighten the mood...but it hurt nonetheless. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place right now....

current mood: pissed off
current music: Robin Youngsmith - The Flower Duet from Lakme

(comment on this)

Sunday, June 8th, 2003
9:56 pm - "...a lonely heart..."
That's what my horoscope called me today, a lonely heart. Sure and if isn't the truth, and a truth that I don't want to really acknowledge. I was just sitting on the sofa, watching television, when I just had this incredible feeling of...something. By incredible, I don't mean good incredible, I mean painfully incredible. I think it's come to a point to where the "loneliness" has actually become a physical, tangible prescence inside my heart.

I had the most wonderful dream last night. I was in my backyard. It was early morning, the sun had just pushed itself over the tops of the trees with this golden warm light. There was this fog though, that covered the ground, almost like the fog that comes from those smoke machines. It was only a few inches thick and a few inches above the ground. Underneath the fog were these beautiful little purple flowers, I want to say lavender but I'm not sure. I was with a couple people, one was my sister, and they wanted us to crawl underneath the fog. I knew it was going to disturb the fog and I didn't really want to do that. It was like I thought it was going to ruin everything, like the flowers. We did it anyway. But as I was crawling I started to push myself up through the fog, and it almost felt like I was trying to run in water. The feeling though, was one of complete freedom, and I started running faster and now the fog was at my feet. Now there were clouds and blue sky around me, the fog was still there but I said with an amazed and wonderous smile "I'm flying..." And I was. When I finally cut through the fog though, I was back where I started and the purple flowers were all strewn about, in the trees and on the ground. I was upset, almost sad, but I kept remembering how I felt.....

I just...I feel so alone. I mean, I never ever thought I would need anyone. But all I've been wanting is someone to laugh with, someone to want me, to make me smile, make me happy, someone to hold me....to love me?, especially someone to just..I dunno, cuddle with. I hate saying this, because I sound so much like a ..girly-girl. And I'm not. I'm independent, I can do my thing, get by in life by myself. Its like all the dreams that I should have had when I was a little girl are finally starting to come around. I find myself singing Someday My Prince Will Come, and then feel foolish because there is no such thing as my prince. I find myself thinking how nice it would be to have a husband, a family, a two-story 5 bedroom house with a huge kitchen and a backyard with a dog. I look at pregnant women and feel something akin to...desire. A desire for a life inside of me, created by two people who are the ones for each other. ...Yet everday goes by and I can't help but think that as every day goes by, the reality of there being no such thing as "the one" for me becomes more apparent. To quote a song, I want to know what love is. I'm tired of saying it without meaning it.

(comment on this)

Saturday, April 26th, 2003
1:10 am - One of many identity crises
In a very bad decision, my mother and I got into an arguement about what it is I'm looking for. Even more importantly, what it is I'm looking for by wanting to leave the country. In the rising action of our heated discussion I said I'm not even sure I'm proud to be called American. I don't doubt it though, I'm hesitant to say I'm partial to this country. But as I said those words, it went through my head, not only as my mother was telling me, that I shouldn't feel that way. I guess it all lies in the definition of what, no..who an American is.

I know my loyalties do not lie with the majority of decisions and actions undertaken by the government. Merriam-Webster certainly doesn't provide much of a definition of what American is: 2. A citizen of the U.S. Wonderful. So by law, I am an American. To make things easier at customs, I say I'm an American. I guess, if I could define what it means to me to be an American, I'm an American.

What Makes Me an American, What I Consider an American, and Examples (at least to me):

1. Someone who can doubt their faith in their country without persecution.
2. Watching people come from other countries around the world being able to express their
faith in the religion of their choice, speaking the words of their choice, and living how they
choose.
3. The fact that I am free not only in body but in spirit and mind.
4. The chance of being able to live any life I choose.
5. Being able to leave this country when I choose.
6. I can disagree with, protest, abhor, despise and change any action the government takes.

At the moment I can't really think of any more. It is a bit late. But to be completely honest, stripped of any pretense, I do not see my self as anything but a citizen of this world, my fellow citizens are human beings. Sometimes...I'm struck with the feeling, after seeing truths that are far removed from my world, that I should be doing something else with my life. I can't even begin to imagine how one world can be seperated into smaller worlds, with no interaction, no intervention. I don't understand how generosity, forgiveness, charity and compassion can be given when it is deemed profitable. Its not just the United States I'm disenchanted with...its the world.

current mood: tired
current music: U2 - Grace

(comment on this)

Thursday, April 24th, 2003
10:25 pm
Isn't it odd how the things you seem to want the most sometimes seem so...superficial? Is it because you don't have them already? I don't know. I just don't know what it is I want. Much less what I am supposed to do. And now I feel as if I'm complaining.

current mood: oddly aware
current music: Children of the Revolution - Bono

(comment on this)

Monday, April 21st, 2003
12:50 pm
I feel as if I'm trying to swim against the current. I know it's possible to cross, but I'm getting so tired.

(comment on this)


> previous 20 entries
> top of page
Blurty.com