Wildflower1964

12:14pm: Here for now
Sometimes I forget that I have a journal online.... Today I'm moving some stuff out of this old apartment. Moved what we could for today. I'm moving to a house beside my Mom and step-dad. This should prove to be interesting. I'm definately going to have to set some boundaries with Mother because she tends to be too 'in your face'. She sometimes calls me for no reason other than to complain that she's tired or not feeling well and sometimes it'll be more than once a day. I tend to like phone calls with a purpose. I think she's just lonely and bored. Well, she won't be anymore because I'll be right there for her to bug at any given opportunity. I think I'm going to make a family & friend game night.
Anyway.... Hi Jon and Derek. I'm hoping you two are well and happy! Sorry I'm been missing in action but my life is a little complicated these days. I've been in quite a rut for a while and I think this move will do me the world of good.
I promise I'll be back!

3:11am: Long Time
Geez.... It's been a while. I think I've got this computer working fairly well. Good enough to do what I need for now. Anyway... Just downloaded the song 'A Womans Worth' By Alicia Keys. I saw her perform it on TV just recently and I loved it. A nicely sung blues type ballet. Just a little update on my frame of mind today. I hope all is well with everyone.

With the X's to the O's

8:58pm: Hello me, meet the real me...
In my misfits way of life.
A dark black past is mine.
My only valued possession.
Hind site is always 20/20.
Looking back it's still a bit fuzzy.
Speak of mutually assured destruction...
Nice story, tell Readers Digest.
Feeling paranoid like enemies are closing in
Blood stains on my hands and I don't know where I've been.

Sweating bullets.....

This is exactly how I've been feeling when I wake in the mornings these days.
I've become a very angry young woman...

I had the most wonderful christmas and boxing day....
Got to see and spend time with my sister, Patty and my nieces, Nicole and Megan. We usually get together at my Mom and step dad's place.
Then.... the rest of the holidays kinda went to shit.
I put the car my folks just gave to me into the ditch on my way to a 40th birthday get together at a friends place.
Swerved to miss what I thought was an animal lying in the road, and hit some black ice. Anyway I wentfishing tailing all over the place, then i finally lost it all together and the only thing i remember thinking at the time was... 'this is probably going to hurt'... and it did almost right away. But, basically I was just stunned with a bump or two. It could have been worse. I could have put it in the maples just up the road. The car needed some work... a signal len, mirror, rad, then we realized that I ripped all the brake lines off and put a big hole in the floor. I landed on the fence post I guess.... stopped me from rolling. I still don't have it back and I'm holding it together pretty good considering that I live out of town in a one room apartment.
After all that, I get home to discover that I had been robbed.... for money, smokeables, and my laptop. And no... I didn't happen to have the laptop or anything else for that matter, insured. And yes... I did call the police... not that that did any good.
And on top of all that... some of the people in my life that I thought were totally solid turn out, not to be so. Everybody's in this life for the own purposes I guess. Too bad it has to be that way.
So... needless to say I haven't been the happiest person in the world these days. Still, I remain optimistic that sooner or later my life is bound to change for the better.
There's no where to go but up....lol.
:) :) :)

7:11am: Hello from the p-type nut gallery.
Speaking of nuts... The Body Shoppe has this Nut scented body lotions, shower gel and moisturizing oil mist that is totally just divine.... I don't know if The Body Shoppe is excusive to Canada or not, but If you know of one.. where ever you may be....check out if the opportunity presents itself.

Just came across a photo doc which has a little verse and I wanted to write it down somewhere before I delete the photo and do a system recovery.

Do not undermine your worth by comparing yourself to others.
It is because we are different that each of us is special.

Do not set your goals by what other people deem important.
Only you know what is best for you...

I really appreciate that verse.... makes perfect sense.

Nothing personal to Mr. Gates himself, but these Windows XP updates and hotfixes, add ins plug-ins left right and center, are taking up way to much valuable time and resources
Wouldn't it be nice to use a Windows operating system that actually had most of the "bugs" worked out before you buy it. You'd think that they would strive to release a properly tested product before sending to buyers.
I've got my first major damage doing virus on the laptop... It's been slowly freakin' everything up. Now many of the register key have been changed, damaged, or are missing all together. I was just trying to ignore that freakin' bogus Microsoft email that I didn't even have to open the email, just the folder it loaded to and my virus scan would come up with a virus detection and when it would try to vault it, it couldn't do it for some strange and still unknown reason.

Anyway... I might not be moving after all. I finally convinced myself that it would be a good move for me but when I talked to Karen, she told me to hold off on the rest of packing. She had a meeting yesterday with someone to go over their financial fubar. Hey tanks for telling me this before I gave my notice. Oh well...... No big deal... They can't make me leave if I don't have a relocation destination...
They'd literally have to pick me up and toss me in the snowbank..but I honestly don't believe that it would ever come to that.

Phone is annoyingly successful... not to mention that Tom's been snow plowing out there in the lot for well over an hour. It really starts to get to me after a bit...
Ciao Chicklets...

1:00am: My Horoscope
Greetings Linda --

Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, November 19:

No matter what your shape, you could be suffering from the weight of excess possessions. Throw out all of the junk and see what's left. Your true feelings are probably buried somewhere under the mess.

I've been doing laundry and sorting through my clothes trying to figure out what to keep and what to give away. Earlier, I went through the dreaded drawer in the kitchen, appropriately named 'the junk drawer'. Thinking the whole time...Why do keep such silly shit.
I'm somewhat torn about this move to Neusteadt... I want to move... but yet I've grown quite reluctant, fearful of the unknown I suppose. Doubting my abilities again.
Anyway.... I had a minute or two.... thought I'd check in.
; )

4:55pm: A Dream...
Hello... I'm still kickin'...lol
Last night I had a dream. My cat was having a chat with me....He was telling me that he had gotten his stripes from his father. He tried to tell me that his father was a zebra.
Well of course I start arguing with him about it... You know... it's not possible. Cats and Zebra don't bred..... yada yada yada. Then he pulls out a wallet type object from his pouch.... I'm thinking ....pouch? How does that work? I question as to whether he's part kangaroo as well..... He replied as he handed me a small picture he had pulled from his wallet that indeed, his grandpa was pure bred King Kangaroo. The picture was a family portrait. Then woke up.... didn't get a good look at the picture... bummer.

8:14pm: I was just...
thinking.... which is a very dangerous thing...lol
No but seriously.. I've been writing in a diary/journal since 1980. That's 23 years of musings. If I do go to the house in Neustadt, I believe I'll go get my cedar box with all of my photos, my journal & misc. items. I know I have more beading stuff around somewhere too. I still have yet to go see what it's going to cost, but I'm almost convinced that it'll be a good idea. Even if just for a year or so, It'll be a good change.

2:06pm: Me me me ... it's all about me..... Which reminds me of...

"You'll never met another mother fucker quite like me."

"STOP.... Dude... there's more to life than just... you!....lol"
Kid Rock.

It's all about the attitude.

1:58pm: Picture
Geez I hate my own photos. I swear the cameras are frightened...lol So one day I sat down to see if I could handle taking a few shots of myself and I came up with a couple I don't mind.... I think I'll use one of them here.

12:06pm: I started going through all my pictures again the other day... showing others for a good laugh and found the original picture of the kitten in the kibble. Anyway, I just received the kitty picture again today with the title 'Overdosed'. Too funny because I was just thinking about it again because I'd like to come up with a different saying... Life is Tough is comical and almost perfect because it fits well. I was thinking something like.... Geez this pillow feels an awful lot like kibble.... that won't fit. Or how about... Remember To Breathe....lol Overdosed works. I'll have to see what I can come up with. I found the picture of myself that I thought I accidentally deleted so I thought I would post it here so I don't lose it again.

10:12am: Listening
I actually got up early this morning for the first time in along time.
I've been listening to this audio program segment that I have by Brian Tracy, called The Psychology of Achievement. This is excellence in understanding how to change the way we think as humans and how we can simply change our lives by what we think. I really like the 'Laws Of' that we discusses. But like I have said before, they talk fast and I can only type like 35 words a minute, more like 20 because I take too much time trying to fix my mistakes.... even though I have spell check.....lol Lets face it, I'm a geeky freak.

7:22pm: This was my horoscope for yesterday..... and also the day I sat with Cheryl and the girls....

You're a breath of fresh air and a burst of clear light. The stars socialize
you, turning a serious contest into a friendly game. Insiders step aside to let
outsiders try their hand.

It's almost creepy sometimes....

3:07pm: Normal?
Is it normal for everyone to want to write a book of their life events? I really want to know.

Here is the edited version of what I really wrote today......

My mind is reeling today and I don't know if it's the drugs I took on the weekend scattering thoughts or if I just have way too many ideals. And I have very humorous thoughts. Could it really be that I'm still alive and kicking somewhat because of my sense of humor? I wonder that often after taking the course in college called "Humor - The Power Of Laughter" or something to that effect, I believe we had the book The Anatomy Of an Illness, and of course can't remember the authors name and don't have the energy right now to go look.

I don't know if everyone thinks about writing books about their lives or not, but it seems that I think about it all the time. It's like that joke saying, "Mistakes - Could it be that you life's purpose is just to serve as warning for others?"

I'm listening to 95.3 fm and they play the best tunes. Breakdown by Tom Petty is playing at this moment. Have you ever noticed what happens in your mind when you hear song from which you use to listen to at a certain time in your life, and all of a sudden you get a rush of memories? Sometimes I hear a song and I get an adrenaline rush, other times I get real pissed off. I guess depending on the main events in my life at the time in which I was listening to the same songs. Other times I just hear a new song, really like it and want to know right away who sings it. Same as Movies? if I see a movie and I don't know the name of an actor/actress I go find a review of the movie to see what I can find out. I'm freakishly like that so it must have something to do with my purpose in life too. (W5) I find that many of the bands over the last few years have the same kind of sound and style and I'm trying really hard to think of a good example, because I think their of many of them, but do you think I can.

Sometimes my perfectionism costs me valuable time. The nit-picking of the color of BEADS. Oh yeah. Like it's really important that I keep all of the same colored beads together in one place, it would make beadwork a little easier but then again, I have a gigazillion beads. Or if I make a mistake when I'm typing something and I go back to change it before I get done the word, only to find out accidentally that sometimes the word program anticipated the correct spelling of the word, therefore changing it automatically. I waste too much time making mistakes. Which leads back to the saying above (Baracuda - Heart) {I love that song} Rolling Stones - Just a Shot Away

I'm exhausted now and it's only 4pm. This morning I have a major meltdown. Since I've finished my college course I've been collected social services. I suffer sometimes severely from depression, but have never attempted to take my life. I have thought about it a times. Seems easier. I think many people think suicide at one time or another. I also have an addiction or two, which doesn't help at all. lol. I have to laugh or else I'd be crying again. Approximately a month and a half after coming home from Jean Tweed, I injured my back. I honestly have no idea as to what I did to but I somehow had a bulged disk between my fourth and fifth vertebrae and it was in a location which was the bulge was pinching my sciatic nerve. Social services have cut me off every other month it seems because they want to know if I'm able to participate in being a productive member of society again? I've received a freaking tree of paper work from them asking me for doctors notes and participation agreements? Yes? I realize that they have to keep tabs on people but it almost feels like harassment. And Yes, I know that it's because of so many people that have abused the system, But.. I'm an individual that is not abusing the system. I just have a couple of issues to deal with and I need some financial help in order to get a grip on things. On the day that I returned home I had two letters already waiting from Social services requesting that I get in touch with their office by Jan 23rd or else my support would be suspended. The program ended on the 24th. It seems to me that someone wasn't doing their homework. I almost laid a freakin' egg when I got my worker on the phone finally. Someone got their dates mixed up and I'm certain that it wasn't me. I have a couple problems but I'm not a fucking idiot. It was almost as if they thought a 21 day treatment program was a miracle and I was ready to jump at their demand. Well, I'm living it and it doesn't work that way. I also had another really tough break when my addictions counselor left to go to Ottawa. Anyway? Blah blah blah? I've gotta go eat something.

11:40pm: Loyalty - A faithful companion stays by your side through the years.

11:12pm: Birthdays
Hopefully this will be my reminder for next year...if I'm still around.
Jackie Kasala - Oct 4th, Lisa T. Fleming - Oct 7th, Mike Kasala - Oct 14th, Gary - Oct 15th, Sammy - Oct -16th, Brother Chris - Oct 18th, Ruth - Oct - 22, Mom - Oct 31st.

12:34pm: Oct 5th
Holy cow.... it's already Oct and I don't recall much of a summer at all. I think I will someday move to an area where it's warm all year round. Any recommendation? Seychelles perhaps... Hawaii maybe...

2:51pm: metaphysics, axiology, epistomology - Note ** Must look these words up!

My #1 result for the SelectSmart.com selector, The Dead Philosopher Adventure, is Immanuel Kant

Now I must go see what I can find out about this guy! All I really know is that he is a philosopher.

Okay... he lived from 1724 - 1804
Quote...
Kant's most original contribution to philosophy is his "Copernican Revolution," that, as he puts it, it is the representation that makes the object possible rather than the object that makes the representation possible. This introduced the human mind as an active originator of experience rather than just a passive recipient of perception. Something like this now seems obvious: the mind could be a tabula rasa, a "blank tablet," no more than a bathtub full of silicon chips could be a digital computer. Perceptual input must be processed, i.e. recognized, or it would just be noise -- "less even than a dream" or "nothing to us," as Kant alternatively puts it. End of quote From http://www.friesian.com/kant.htm

Metaphysics - 1. An underlying philosophical or theoretical principle: a belief in luck, the metaphysic of the gambler.
2. (used with a sing. verb) Philosophy The branch of philosophy that examines the nature of reality, including the relationship between mind and matter, substance and attribute, fact and value.
(used with a pl. verb) The theoretical or first principles of a particular discipline: the metaphysics of law.
(used with a sing. verb) A priori speculation upon questions that are unanswerable to scientific observation, analysis, or experiment.
(used with a sing. verb) Excessively subtle or recondite reasoning.

Axiology - The study of the nature of values and value judgments.

Epistomology - Apparentently, this is no such a word according to yourdictionary.com

2:15pm: Icon Creation and Credits
All icons I'm using in my journal have been created by other people. Aren't they great!
I give thanks to wikidbytch36 for the Life is Tough & Drugs. I give thanks to jinroo for the Flip Off Kitty. Until I have time to go in and make my own, I appreciate them allowing me to use their icons.

11:55am: Feeling better now
Wow.... I can't believe I was that pissed off this morning. I guess I had to blow off a little steam.

10:30am: Unbelievable
I can't believe some people... geez.... maybe I'll make a whole bunch of icons and just give them away because it's really easy to do and I can, If I could find that kind of time. .....lol
This icon thing is really biting my ass because I can't believe how small people can be.
That's part of the problem in this world. People are all me, me, me, and fuck you too....
Is it money they want? Recognition? What?
It's all so shallow and materialistic. Fuck... this icon is perfect for the way I feel about small minded individuals.

12:43am: Aaaahhhh...duhhhh!
I borrowed a friend of mine's text book from one of his gen ed courses, "The Shadow Line: Deviance and Crime in Canada" . Criminology has always been an interest of mine, so i thought I take a look through. Anyways... I'm on page 3 and they're starting to lose me....lol I had to go to yourdictionary.com for some extreme word training...lol
I like things to be crystal clear... Let's go down the list shall we...

demarcate: To set the boundaries of; delimit.
To separate clearly as if by boundaries; distinguish: demarcate categories.

epithet: A term used to characterize a person or thing, such as rosy-fingered in rosy-fingered dawn or the Great in Catherine the Great.
A term used as a descriptive substitute for the name or title of a person, such as The Great Emancipator for Abraham Lincoln.
An abusive or contemptuous word or phrase.
Biology A word in the scientific name of an animal or plant following the name of the genus and denoting a species, variety, or other division of the genus, as sativa in Lactuca sativa.

contemptuous: Manifesting or feeling contempt; scornful.

contempt: The feeling or attitude of regarding someone or something as inferior, base, or worthless; scorn.
The state of being despised or dishonored; disgrace.
Open disrespect or willful disobedience of the authority of a court of law or legislative body.

punitive: Inflicting or aiming to inflict punishment; punishing.

clandestine: Kept or done in secret, often in order to conceal an illicit or improper purpose.

surreptitious: Obtained, done, or made by clandestine or stealthy means.
Acting with or marked by stealth. See Synonyms at secret.

stealth: The act of moving, proceeding, or acting in a covert way.
The quality or characteristic of being furtive or covert.
Archaic The act of stealing.

covert: Not openly practiced, avowed, engaged in, accumulated, or shown: covert military operations; covert funding for the rebels.
Covered or covered over; sheltered.
Law Being married and therefore protected by one's husband.

desist: To cease doing something; forbear.

This is exactly why I never really accomplish much - I never get the puzzle finished because I'm too preoccupied about finding all the pieces....
The way my mind works is really driving me insane....lol

3:29pm: Dr. Phil
I'm just hanging out as usual... watching Dr. Phil. Some people like him, some people don't. I personally love the guy. He said something last week that I commend him for. "This is the best use of TV" - He was talking to a family who's lives are totally off track. 15 year old is pregnant and doesn't know if she wants to keep the baby of give it up for adoption. The mother is wanting to raise the child as her own. I think the father is or was having an affair. (I missed the first half hour) The 12 year old is angry and having problems at school. He's going to work with them for the whole year.
I think he's right... It is the best use of TV. Helping and guiding people to make better life decisions.

1:48pm:

Well, I'd have to say that I'm a little more aggressive than 20%.... That's all I have to say about that.

5:24pm: Past Life...lol

Who were you in a past life? by Kat007
Name:
Birthdate:
Favorite Color:
Country:
You were most probably:	A depressed cat
If not then you were:	A crazy guy on the S-Train
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

2:16pm: What Renews You
Spending Time With Others

When life's storms set you adrift in a sea of worries, you know you can always find an anchor in the people closest to you. Whether it's a long weekend talk on the phone with that relative you miss, an afternoon at a caf? with a dear friend, or a morning snuggling in bed with your sweetheart, you feel rejuvenated when you've made a connection with someone who knows you well. This doesn't necessarily mean you don't like to spend at least some time alone with your thoughts. It's just that you're particularly good at drawing energy and inspiration from those around you. So next time life makes you feel squeezed and pulled in too many directions, set aside some time to center yourself by spending time with friends, family, or your special someone.

http://www.emode.com/