Wildflower1964

7:28pm: hey

6:27pm: Hey There Jon and other people, I saw this in your blog page and just had to do it. Mind you, I was in a really bad mood when I took the test. Been taking steroids for a week or so.
Love ya!


My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 99% on Pestilence

You scored higher than 99% on War

You scored higher than 99% on Famine

You scored higher than 99% on Death



continue to OkCupid homescreen >
people I should see >


If you liked my test, send it to your friends!
The Four Horsemen Test
http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=16372866987347025791

5:01am: Hi... Yes... This is what I do with most of my time, cause time is really all I have. I have compiled hundreds bookmarks of free online games to play. Literally hundreds! Not kidding!
If I ever really come up with anything of any type of importance I'll be sure to post it... until then I'll just keep playing games and hope that someone saves me from myself soon.
Miss ya all but I've just been too down and out.

4:53am:

2:02am: Today I've been thinking and thinking about communicating needs, likes, dislikes, etc when in the company of others And again I think I should put another entry into Liar, Liar..... which I'm actually thinking about changing the title of.... how about.... "Wondering Why It's So Difficult For People to Truthfully, and Effectively Express Their Thoughts & Feelings Without Fear of Reprocussion or Conflict." or....something to the effect. Do you think that's too long of a title for an group discussion or book?
I think I'm getting paranoid or insecure about where I stand in the lives of the people around me.
I believe that my good friend Ruth isn't being truthful and honest with me about something... I don't know exactly what it is but I KNOW there is something going on in the backof her mind....

2:03pm: I'm not sure about where to do this (which blog) but I'll start it here, and see how it goes.
I want to start a section called Liar, Liar as I have often told people that I have this strange ability to "Know" when someone is lying to me, and I want to test the theory.

So when I feel that someone isn't being honest I will mark down what was said and later, when I catch the lie... I will verify it here in.......Liar Liar

Something happened on the weekend past that I kinda figured would happen eventually.
I found some of my clothing in with my weekend borders stuff, along with a bunch of other womens underware and such.
We became friends when I lived at the Stone Tree in Owen Sound, and he asked if he could room and board with me on the weekends when I relocated. I've always known that he's in love with me, but he's just not my type and I'm not attracted to him in a physical way at all. Straight Up! Told him that many a time. I've never even so much as kissed him, maybe a peck on the cheek 1 time and I think I've maybe hugged him 3 times in total in the 7 or 8 years that we've known each other.
Well, when I lived at the Stone Tree... which was a 12 x 15 ft room, I had three things go missing that I knew for sure. A black mini shirt, a long blue dress that I purchased special for going to the Jean Tweed center for treatment, and some personal lubricant, which I thought was really strange.
Anyway, not long after we moved in here, baby oil and other such things started going missing.... So I knew right away that that is what happened to the lube from the Stone Tree. Another mutual friend/neighbor of ours stated one day that it probably was our friend that took my clothing as well. For 6 years he has denied it when asked or suggested. Well..... to make a really long story shorter, I found my little black skirt and a few pairs of my underware in a bag after finding other items (not going there) of mine in his room when looking for dishes that needed to be washed. I had him checked out through the local police chief a while ago back because not long after he moved in he told me that he may be on the list of sexual offenders because of a misunderstanding with a friends daughter! Nothing came back so I let him know that eventually.
I've have asked him to leave.... we had a calm, cool conversation on the fri of this past weekend after I found my underware and I told him his sexual business is his until it involved me. I said we figured out the lubricant along time ago because I confronted him about it, now I knew about the black skirt..... and he volunteered the information that he didn't take the all important blue dress.
Guess what I found in a further search of his things on Sunday!
Yes... the blue dress that he volunteered infomation about not taking just two days prior.
So I think I've always suspected but could never prove until Sunday.
The point is he lied to me for years and I caught him.
I'm sure he'll get what he has coming to him through Karma... because I'm absolutely done dealing with him.

12:56pm:

Your Vampire Name Is...

Athene of the Far North

12:38pm:

1:36am: Just Checking...
Hey there! It's been a long time since I wrote anything in my blog... So I thought I'd sign in to see if it was still functioning. I finally checked my e-mail the other day... I don't know for sure but I'm almost positive that I'm not the only person that get bored with their computers at some point or another. I'm definitely one of those people. I like to hand write also, but I haven't done any of that in a while either. But all of a sudden I'm thinking I should be writing in a journal or something. I'm so bored with everything though. Still wading through depression, but at least I'm still wading.... I'm seeing different people these days... I finally figured out that my medical Dr. isn't really getting it, after watching an episode of BalanceTV in which they were saying that depression isn't always easy for general practitioners to diagnose and or treat properly, so getting a second opinion isn't a bad idea. So that's what I did. My Dr. dislikes me anyway... I spent my last birthday in the hospital with pneumonia with a touch of pleurisy which wasn't pleasent to say the least. But hey, I was told to go home when I went to the emergency department a week earlier because I wasn't sick enough yet to give me anything... go figure. I didn't go back until 8 days later when they admitted me. A week after that I was back at emerge with chest pains, and he basically balled me out for smoking because He saw my cigarette pack in my purse whilst I was searching for my previous prescription. When I nicely asked what he suggested for quitting smoking, he snapped and me and told me nothing.... that it was all in my head. Well..... I was stunned to hear that. So I've decided to tell him I quit smoking. If he doesn't respect me enough to treat me with decency after the fact that I've always been candid and admitted to all substance use, then I'll just lie to the jerk. Trust me, I've had other issues with my Dr. before... like calling me bonehead, and asking if I've ever done anything imoral for drugs???? twice over the years I've had him as a Dr.... Guess he can't figure out how I would be able to afford them. Oh yeah, and the time he stated that my ears were the best part on me after completeing a physical. Now I know most people might think that I'm being a little sensitive to his sense of humor, but it doesn't feel like that... not after being berated for smoking... I'm a dirty smoker. Yeah... when I was a little girl, all I ever wanted, was to become a slave to depression, addictions, and poverty. Sarcasam doesn't come across very well when typing the message... but you get the drift I'm sure. Anyway..... I'm all of a sudden lost for something to go off about so I guess I'll sign off for now. I hope all is well with everyone out there in cyber world. Glad to see I still have my blog. Until another time, Linda

10:39am: WARNING This journal belongs to a very boring individual who likes to type! For your own protection... do not read if sleepy! I will not be held responsible for you falling asleep at your keyboard causing bodily damage due to neck and facial injury...

I just feel like doing a million things today... So far I've accomplished much. Kinda makes me think about how much time I actually waste. Time is the one thing you can never get back when you loose it.
Not that we got a whole bunch of snow last night but I've shoveled around the car and cleared a path across to Mom & Garys, cleaned my car off, done some beadwork, did the dishes, checked some mail, fed and gave the cats some lovin' and wrote in two journals...lol, and it's only 9:45.
Geez... maybe I can accomplish much more today if I keep the radio on instead of watching TV.

8:50am: Finally.... I got to sleep until 7:00. The cats actually let me sleep till I wanted to get up. It's 8:55 now and the sun is shining. I feel wonderful!
Hey.... we got a new radio station in the area and it rocks.... Its about time. They just played 'Hey Joe' and 'I Love Rock n Roll'. They've been playing a little bit of the old and the new which is great. It's at 94.5 FM. Now how about a lil 'Rocky Mountain Way'.
I've always wanted to be a DJ. Most of the parties I used to go to, I'd take control of the stereo. After all... music is the universal language.

5:53am: More musings for you all...lol

From The Book...'Normal is Just a Setting on Your Dryer' by Patsy Clairmont who also authored "God Uses Cracked Pots"

"Chapter 2 - Sure I Can

Most of us over 40 find it difficult to believe er're losing our youth. Our minds are still spunky, at least in a sputtering kind of way, and tend to send inaccurate information to our bodies like "You can still leap buildings in a single bound," Right! I can hardly step into an elevator without having my arches fall.

At 47 (at the time of writing), my mind is marching to "The battle Hymn of the Republic," while my body is humming in the background, "That'll be the day." Even with my increasing physical disruptions, I keep holding my thumb over the birth date on my drivers license when I'm cashing a check.

My friend Claris, a heroic woman who drove school buses for 19 years and has lived to tell about it, forgot her age. It had to be amnesia that caused her to be coaxed into going roller-skating in her forties. An hour later she was in an ambulance, and she wasn't driving. A cast, crutches, and several months later, Claris was back wheeling around in her bus, which has the only sized wheels she now trusts to hold her up. Speaking of holding up,...

Jim was certain he could reach a little higher than his arm span while tottering on the top rung of the ladder. Need I tell you any more? Our fiftyish friend came down like the Jericho walls, but instead of broken pitchers, he had broken ribs. After being taped back together, he felt every breath he took. Speaking of breathtaking,...

Meagan decided to take up downhill skiing... at 40. Her first out she fell backwards on her skis, but they didn't release. That was not good. Meagan had to be removed from the slopes on a stretcher by the ski patrol. She wore a mega foam collar for months.

You would think we would learn from our friends' examples. Well, actually I did. I don't roller-skate, climb ladders, or ski downhill. No, not me: I'm too smart to try those tricky feats. Instead, I decided to ride a five-speed bicycle. My infamous ride would have been a cinch had I ever before ridden a bike with the brakes on the handlebars, which I had not. That became quite clear to who knows how many.

My son Jason and I rode our bikes to a nearby store, where, instead of braking when the bike slowed down, I side-saddled it and jumped off like Annie Oakley. I ran into the store and bought a couple of small items. We didn't have a basket, but I was confident I could manage the bike and the bag. It had been many years since I had ridden a bicycle. (Actually, I was eight when I got my last bike.) But you know what they say: "Once you learn, you never forget."

We were almost home when my bike began to pick up speed. Evidently there was more of an incline on our street that I had realized. For a moment I felt like a kid again, with the wind whipping through my tresses and the houses passing by in a whirl of colors. Suddenly, I recognized the whirling greens as my house. I instinctively pedaled backwards to brake. Nothing happened. I mean, nothing happened! My acceleration was such that I could see that I was headed rapidly for the side street. If my calculations were correct, I would be passing it at the speed of light.

Feeling I was losing control of this ride, I kind of panicked. Then I recalled Les's reminding me, as I rode away, that the brakes were located on my handlebars. and that I should squeeze them to stop. I could only grip on one side because of the bag, and when I squeezed, nothing happened. Seeing my life skateboard past me, I grabbed for the other grip, bag and all, and pulled as hard as I could. Sure enough, something happened!

I became airborne. Over the handlebars and into the wild, blue yonder.I'm sure I looked like a 747 wide-body. That is, until my landing. I did a belly-flop glide down my sidewalk/runway, stopping just before I became a permanent design on our front step.

Jason looked down at me in utter amazement. I'm not sure if her could believe I could ride a bicycle that fast of fly that high.

If this had happened to you or you had observed it happening to someone else, what would you expect the first words out of the person's mouth to be? Perhaps "Call 911!" or "Get your dad!"

Well, that's what a normal person might say. But not me.The first words out of my swelling lips, while my face was still ingrained in the cement, were, "Is anyone looking?"

Is anyone looking! Give me a break! The sidewalk/slide had torn my pant leg off, my knee was ripped and gushing, I had skid marks on my stomach, my elbow felt like Rice Krispies, my ribs had a Vise-Grp on my lungs, and I wanted to know, "Is anyone looking?"

With Jason's help, I limped into the house, carefully lowered myself into a chair, and cried. My tears were as much out of embarrassment as from pain.

From my emotional response, I had obviously damaged something more than my body. Mine was a giveaway statement of someone suffering from fractured pride.

But then I wondered: Isn't that true for any of us who can't accept our limitations?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That's all for now. I've been keeping the strangest hours lately. I went to bed last night at 10 and I was awake at 2 and it's 5:45 now and I'm thinking about going back to sleep for a bit... if I can.

3:00am: More stuff
Girls Night Out

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I
told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up
and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake
up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up
with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to
escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him
Midnight. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said,
"Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh, shit,"cuckooed 4 more ! times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times,giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted."

Had to... Very easy to imagine

9:48pm: Holy cow only 6 pages of messages in my hotmail account but I think I feel a little overwhelmed when I get in there... slowly but surely... I will answer the ones that need to be answered...lol
I don't remember why I stopped checking email on a regular basis... but I did. Now trying hard to get back into the swing of things. Having a hard time organizing my time, but I've been out a whole lot more. The sunshine helps lots. Tomorrow I'm doing some business. Helping some friends with some computer issues. That's what I want to be doing so I'd better behave myself while I'm there...lol... I need good references.

1:35am: Food for thought...

A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions. - Oliver Wendell Holmes

Few things can help an individual more than to place responsibility on him, and to let him know that you trust him. - Booker T. Washington

Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant. - Robert Louis Stevenson

10:26pm: From The Book...'Normal is Just a Setting on Your Dryer' by Patsy Clairmont who also authored "God Uses Cracked Pots" which reminds me of the little story that I put on my first web site about the cracked pot.

""Lord, if only I could be normal like other people!" That was my constant prayer during the years I hid away in my home with agoraphobia (a constricting circle of fears that leaves one housebound). Then I got out of my home, into the flow of people, and found out "ain't nobody normal." Unique: yes. Special: definitely. Normal, no way!

I was peeling tomatoes in my kitchen one day when a friend began to laugh. Surprised, I asked what was so funny.

"I've never seen anyone take the skin off tomatoes before adding them to the salad," she said. She thought that was abnormal.

But when I was growing up, my mom always removed the peel for our guests. She considered it good manners to make things special and convenient for our company. Peeling tomatoes was the norm for us.

I had a neighbor we nicknamed Mrs. Ickity-Pickity because of her seemingly abnormal need to have things clean. We used to laugh because she even washed the soap in her soap dish.

Today I don't think that's strange at all. I find it unappealing to spot a grimy gob of gooey soap stuck in the sink. It is now my normal procedure to follow Mrs. Ickity-Pickitys' example and douse my Dial.

My husband, Les, not only felt that it was normal to rise up early, but he also was certain other people's character was flawed if they didn't leap out of bed at the first glimmer of light. Normal for my family, on the other hand, meant that on days when schedules permitted, a late morning snooze was a treat to be enjoyed. You can imagine the conflict these two - and we - collided.

As an agoraphobic, I felt anything but normal. I didn't know of anyone else who was afraid to go to the grocery store because the aisles seemed to swallow them up. I didn't know of anyone who listened to 30 weather reports a day and then hide under the table from approaching storms. Nor had I talked with anyone who couldn't ride in elevators or stay alone at night. Then when I had to give up driving because of panic attacks, I knew I was hopelessly abnormal.

Yet, if you could coax agoraphobics into a room together, there would be a 'normalcy' among us in that our behavior would match in many ways. Just goes to show - normal is only a setting on a dryer.

I believe abnormal is normal. Think about it - consider your friends, great people but don't they have some pretty curious ways? Abnormal is not an isolated occurrence but a constant reoccurrence. It's something we share in common... our differences.

I kept trying to attain normalcy by being what I thought others thought I should be. How exhausting! Everyone seems to have his or her own definition of my normal, leaving me feeling like an isolated emotional abnormality.

That's what this book is about - emotions and how they affect and infect our lives and our need for a healthy balance. We'll look at a variety of emotions and how, if we deny them, we end up out of balance, and yet if we indulge them, our pendulum swings too far the other way.

This isn't a book on how to be normal. (I haven't figured that out yet.) Rather, it's an encouragement to be the best "us" we can. We think we know ourselves so well, yet we find our emotions often mysterious. And sometimes our emotions surprise and overwhelm us.

You may experience different feelings in response to those stories of others who struggle, fail, start over, and celebrate. You'll see that life is seldom a simple as setting your dryer to normal. And my prayer is that you might laugh, cry, think, remember, and come to understand yourself better as you move through the pages of this book."

Okay.... that was the first Chapter but speaking of cracked pots....
here's the little inspirational story I mentioned earlier...

"Cracked Pots"
A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the master's house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water in his master's house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you."

Why?" asked the bearer. "What are you ashamed of?" I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master's house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts," the pot said.

The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, "As we return to the master's house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path."

Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again it apologized to the bearer for its failure.

The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of your path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master's table.
Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house."

Moral: Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are, and look for the good in them. There is a lot of good out there. There is a lot of good in you! Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.

Remember to appreciate all the different people in your life! Or as I like to think of it--if it hadn't been for the crackpots in my life, it would have been pretty boring and not so interesting...

10:04pm: Just had to fix the time again on the computer.... seems to be a problem with it.

Don Miguel Ruiz writes:

"To my parents, my children, my siblings, and the rest of my family, with whom I am bonded not only by love, but by our blood and ancestral roots.

To my spiritual family, with whom I am bonded by our decision to create a family based on unconditional love, mutual respect, and the practice of the Mastery of Love.

And to my human family, whose minds are fertile for the seeds of love contained in this book. May these seeds of love florish in your life.

Acknowledgements

I WISH TO EXPRESS MY GRATITUDE TO JANET MILLS who, like a mother with her own child, gave form to this book with all her love and dedication.

I would also like to thank those people who gave of their time and their love, and helped us with the realization of this book.

Finally, I want to express my gratitide to our Creator for the inspiration and beauty that gave this book Life."

Now a little from the book about The Toltec as cited in the book The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz

Thousands of Years ago, the toltec were known throughout southern Mexico as "women and men of Knowledge." Anthropologists have spoken of the Toltec as a nation or a race, but, in fact, the Toltec were scientists and artists who formed a society to explore and conserve the spiritual knowledge and practices of the acient ones. They came together as masters (naguals) and students at Teotihuacan, the ancient city of pyramids outside Mexico City known as the place where "Man Becomes God."

Over the Millennia, the naguals were forced to conceal the ancestral wisdom and maintain its existence in obscurity. European conquest, coupled with rampant misuse of personal power b a few of the apprentices, made it necessary to shield the knowledge from those who were not prepared to use it wisely or who might intentionally misuse it for personal gain.

Fortunately, the esoteric Toltec knowledge was embodied and passed on through generations by different lineages of naguals. Though it remained veiled in secrecy for hundreds of years, ancient prophecies foretold the coming of an age when it would be necessary to return the wisdom to the people. Now, don Miguel Ruiz, a nagual from Eagle Knight lineage, has been guided to share with us the powerful teachings of the Toltec.

Toltec knowledge arises from the same essential unity of truth as all the sacred esoteric traditions found around the world."

Okay... stopping there for now.

Very Cool.... I thought. I like this guy already. I like the way he thinks. Complex but yet simplistic at the same time.

6:04pm: I will continue with the Mastery of Love, but right now... I'm doing the sensory overload thing... I just got down doing 100 rows on the rowing machine that I borrowed frommy step-dad, Gary. I have the TV on, watching access tv, and I'm listening to this fella on the computer, who's suppose to be teaching spanish... but he hasn't started yet. He's got this crazy accent though....
He's claiming that we only use on average 500-1500 words in any language. Our active vocabulary. How many words in the average thick newspaper... 600 words? Hardly seems right but I'm not about to check for myself...lol
Enough of that for now...
I'm watching Millionaire at the moment. Just had some chicken fingers and a few rings... hope I don't get sick and the only reason I say that is because I deep fried them and you're suppose to do them in the oven. So I microwaved them on defrost for a bit then on high for a bit...lol then into the deep frier they went. Now... they tasted great but that doesn't necesarily mean I'm safe. Guess I'll see in a couple of hours how I feel.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Out of the pages this this book... "The Mastery of Love" by Don Miguel Ruiz

Continued from where I left off on Feb 4th...

"The second is the Mastery of Transformation, which teaches us how to become spiritual warriors, and stalk our actions and reactions so we can break free of the knowledge that enslaves us. This mastery shows us how to change the dream of our life by changing our agreements and beliefs.

The Mastery of Love is the result of the first two masteries. From the Toltec perspective, everything is made of Love. Love is Life itself. When we master Love, we align with the Spirit of Life passing through us. We are no longer the body, or the mind, or the soul, we are Love. Then every action we take is an expression of Love, and Love in every action can only produce happiness.

When we master Awareness, Transformation, and Love, we reclaim our divinity and become one with God. This is the goal of The Toltec."

5:01pm: Barbara Walters of 20/20 (USA-ABC Television) did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands. She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walters vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom. Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?" The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes and without hesitation, said "Land mines."


MORAL OF THE STORY: BEHIND EVERY MAN IS A SMART WOMAN!!

9:33am: Out of the pages this this book... "The Mastery of Love" by Don Miguel Ruiz

... probably some of the most important stuff I type in my journal (I plead total plagerism for the betterment of our society in general)

This book is "A Practical Guide to the Art of Relationship" and is "A Toltec Wisdon Book"

Inside Front Cover...

"In the Toltec tradition, three fundamental masteries guide us to our true nature, which is happiness, freedom, and love.

The first is the Mastery Of Awareness. This mastery teaches us to be aware of who we really are. It is the first step toward freedom, because we cannot be free if we don't know what we are, or what kind of freedom we are looking for. The Toltec said, "Let us see ourselves with truth," and they created the mastery just for awareness."

That it for now: Until later.

(Figures I wouldn't get much done...)

10:04pm: Hello it's the daily update from the peanut factory up here in Canada

Well here is some of todays rantings...

Okay. Off to a fairly good start today although I didn't sleep worth a crap. Couldn't sleep until I altered my racing mind. I seemed like everythng was bothering me, brother Chris and mines relationship, the fact that he's so cold towards the rest of us. My sister Patty doesn't like me much, but she doesn't take the time to really get to know me; I figure it her loss. Both their loss. I know who I am and I finally decided that I don't need their approval of me in order to live. I others in my life that are loving people around me and satisfying relationships. Niece Nicole doesn't really seem to want to bother but then again she 21 going on 30. It's not about me right now it's about her but I have always tried to let her know that I love her unconditionally no matter what she feels about herself. I tell her I don't know what I'd do without her in my life. We often talk about how big of a bunch of freaks we have in our family. We all just love Megan and my hope for her is to have a long lasting loving relationship, happiness, and success in life despite the ignorance that preceeded in the family tree (Both sides) & her upbringing situation. I'm not going into that at this time.

See, I can just see how this is going to go. It's already 11:00 and I've accomplished quite a bit but havent really listed it yet. I found the paperwork BL wanted me to fill out so the best I'll do is a little mini essay for her. BL is a drug and alcohol support worker in the area here. Becauise this is a fairly small area, you have to travel to other towns for aything of a decent meeting I would think.
On my third tea, smoked a couple very small bowls of the wacky stuff, smoked three cigarettes, got dressed, talked to Jen on the phone. Agreed to go out with her for a bit into town for shopping. Listened to the first half of the first tape of Anthony Robbins "Personal Power" audio tapes.Just started a list of important aspects of what I'd like to but into my business plan. Gotta get my old old books out for some business stuff? or better yet, I should stop by the small business develpoment office and get some quick information.

{Remember some names of people, places, or things may or may not have been changed}

Okay so I had a pretty good day?.Kath bear stopped by today with an english toffee cappacino for me when she was finished at work today, but Jen was already here? waiting for me to finish readying myself. Bought myself some more second hand clothes. Trying to update my image a bit from strickly Levi's?lol
Shannon almost had a fit when she sawe me in kamo pants? but these have two big daisies, one on each leg?And.. I think I only paid 6 bucks for them from Mc Kays department store when they went out of business in the Sound just before I moved back to my hometown. Population last time I looked was 6500 and counting.. At least I think they still keep track ? whoever they are?lol I got this little greenish coverall type dress that is obviously for a child? but guess who had to have it? Me of course and I can actually wear it as a top.. I had it on earlier. I purchased pajama pants, black satin dress type pants, a really nice mod pair of jeans, a strangely mustard colored dress type pants, and about four tops/sweaters all for under $25 at the Second Hand Rose in Walkerton
Got Wendy some smokes at Jack Reids and attempted to exchange the pipe that Jon bought for me the other day? bu when I took another look at them either the one I wanted was gone or I was mistaken about the color. Turns out the one he bought for me was the best one out of all of them after all and bought Sam a pipe for christmas?..
Got a few grocery items while in town with hen then took the smokes out to Wendy place at Priebes old place on the Carsrue road. It's a really nice appartment over one of the sheds. Made a couple of exchanges and made a date for sitting and doing some crafts together some evening. I told Ruth and she said she'd love to do that with us so we set that up for Monday.
So it's 12:30 am and I just had four pieces of Sun-Maid Raisin Cinnominswirl with more cinnomin sugar to top it off? yes I said four pieces of toast. That in itself is a no no, not to mention what time it is?. One should never eat more than two pieces of bread a day and not before going to bed. I need to gain some muscle tone but I don't want to get fat either.
I've actually been trying to gain wait for about 8 months? but I try a litlle then I don't eat much again for a few days.. Then I'll eat pretty good for another couple ?etc, etc, etc.

11:40pm: {Names may or may not have been changed.}

Yesterday was a really bad day for me. I was really depressed and when I was talking to Sam on msn I started crying. I think I'm trying to figure where I fit in in the circle of life?. And it sucks because I'm 40. Shouldn't I be somebody successful by now. But then again I also know that you reap what you sow. I reap things slowly. I'm having a hard time being patient because I am exactly where I'm suppose to be at this time in my life.
So this morning I decided to focus on what I can get accomplished on this day. Learn something new, create something.
I started my morning with both Mr. MoJo Moody and Von Biatch on either side of me which was nice. Got up made a tea.
Turned on the TV. Then the laptop. Started listening to essential spanish. Reset sympatico email account properties.
Looked over the sheet about the focus groups being provided through Social Service.
Filled out card and actually put it in an envelop and stamped it and took it to the mailbox just a couple minutes too late for todays pickup. Asked mother earier to drop off the Zip.ca movies either at the mailbox or the postoffice.
Called Miss McCay to tell her that I will attend the next focus group that they are providing.
Watched part of Ellen, Talked to Kathy on the phone for a few minutes. Braided my hair. Washed my face and brushed and cleaned my teeth. Put on a bit of blush and shadow. Had a couple of Graham crackers with my tea. Eat something at all before 4 in the afternoon? unusual.
Called and invited Ruth and Sunny out for steak, with sauteed onion green and orange peppers rolled up in a soft tortilla wrap and held together with toothpicks I'm starting to think I should have taken the cooking course at Georgian? lol Cooked the overnite marinated steak on the George Forman lean mean grilling machine. Excellent thinking there George. If only I had thought of that design first. Hey lets make a none stick closed grill and put it on an angle? Makes perfect sense to me.

Had my Tarot cards out earlier today and the King of Cups fell upside right while I was trying to arrange them so they were all even and fit in my hand properly to shuffle. I hardly ever have had them out or really used them more than three times at most, but they've been practically by my side four about 6 months possibly. Had them out of the box one day when Beach was one day and she told me that I'm the only person that should handle the cards. So while Sunny used MSN messenger, and I sauted the veggies, Ruth read some of what the King of Cups card meant out of the tarot card book... The meaning of the King Of Cups I'll have to fill in later? freaky is all I know? or should I say it's synchrodestiny.

I drank a couple of glasses of water today which is another thing I've been thinking about. I was thinking that I might be able to substitute smoking for drinking water? Makes sense to me. I'm getting a good start on changing some of my behavior patterns because I really get down on myself sometimes. I want it all to make sense ? but it doesn't yet. So now I'm drinking water and thinking about valerian to slow down the mind a bit.. I tend to spin and spin and spin sometimes. I swear sometimes I drive myfriends half crazy with fears about my sanity.

Anyways, started to clean those damned bathroom blinds again?. Procrastination, kinda like masterbation because in the end your really just fu*king yourself?.. Cant get those finished.. It's like the biggest job I've ever had to do or something?.geez! Thats what I think about that.

Well I did do a lot of things today that I haven't really been doing.
I have to remember to make notes throughout the day because I can't remember everything I accomplished like in a time line really without a large amout of thought? and I don't know if I'm up to anymore thinking this evening.. It is now10:42.
I'm, having a piece of cheesecake with chocolate syrup drizzled over it? just because I can. Thinking that I'd like to put a little muscle together so I need to eat some real food or else I won't be able to do it. I Only weight 103 right now at 5' 4 1/2". Not really good. A little too small. But I'm fiesty. Just like my mother and her mother before that?lol Long story!

3:01pm: You know.. I'm just going to right this stuff as it comes to my head. I'm sitting here thinking holy fu*k.... I don't know why I'm so depressed. I mean really & truly. I should be going places and doing things... experimenting the world I live in and the people I live among. But something within myself doesn't want to make a move yet. I sit at home day after day watching tv, even though I do try to watch news, educational & true story. I also watch shows like Oprah and Ilove Dr. Phil, Is it that I'm unable, or is it that I'm unwilling to move on with my life beyond the comfort of my home. I find myself wondering what it is I'm so afraid of or if I'm afraid of anything at all. Maybe I'm just lazy???? To comfortable to do anything. Reaping what I sow. So to speak. But I'll tell you. I'm getting very impatient about being patient. I believe spiritually and with my heart that every waking moment of your life you should be learning some, doing something making a difference in the world or at least your town, neighbour hood perhaps. I don't know if this is the correct way of thinking or I'm thinking this way because of the antidepressant that I take daily not to mention every thing else I can alter my feelings and body chemistry.

I'm frustrated and aggrivated at myself.... I want to quit smoking and doing drugs of all sorts. I want to live in the present moment. Be all that I can be. I'm educated and I'm funny as fu*k. I am kind and caring to everyone I meet or at least try to be...... Most days... Then the next thing you know....... I'm pissed off at myself and short and sarcastic to everyone around me.

None if this may make sense, and if you think it's bull shit... then call me on it and we get a new learning experience for both of us.

A mind once expanded by a new idea can never return to it original shape!

9:47pm: Can't believe what I'm watching...
I'm just sitting here watching a comedy TV show and the commentator has gone to the US to ask Americans questions about Canada and Canadians. When we were in school, we learned things about our country , the U.S. as well as other places in the world.
These questions are the stupidest I've ever heard and most of the people he's interviewing are taking him serious. Some of the university students are being as to sign petitions to help us stop the seal hunt in one of our prarie provinces and they're signing it. They are being told that our parliment buildings are made out of ice, which then, would be an igloo... and people are believeing him. We have real buildings made out of brick and stone... not ice. I really am having a hard time taking this seriously because no way can US citizens are that naive. Please tell me this is not so.....

7:43am: Huh! Gofigure....
Hey...! Hi everyone! I'm back online again. And... although I should be really busy doing work related stuff. I thought I'd download my Blurty software and say hello and I hope everyone is happy & whole.

Feel free to email! I'm actually checking it again...!