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Monday, January 24th, 2005
7:41 pm - Productful Monday
Even though the pain level for the day was up to a 7, I accomplished much today, which makes me happy. I feel so much better at the end of the day when the fatigue and pain didn't win!

I went and checked out the new Medical facility to see if I got any vibes for switching all of us over. The guy at the window was informative enough but not very personable. Hmmm.....first impression made me feel like a number. I wish insurance hadn't decided to not cover the existing physicians. This is such a hassle and it's so hard to start from scratch looking for a medical care tag team. I'm anticipating that when one door closes another opens and that the changes will be blessings in disguise! : )

Very, very sunny today! Thank you, God. The sun makes everything cheerier. Even though, the brightness didn't help the headache much. : )

I talked to Karen today. I'm anxious to see what transpires from this chance meeting. Maybe, a job opportunity, that will prove to be mutually beneficial. May God lead my footsteps.

current mood: grateful
current music: Foreigner; Juke Box Hero

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7:41 pm - Productful Monday
Even though the pain level for the day was up to a 7, I accomplished much today, which makes me happy. I feel so much better at the end of the day when the fatigue and pain didn't win!

I went and checked out the new Medical facility to see if I got any vibes for switching all of us over. The guy at the window was informative enough but not very personable. Hmmm.....first impression made me feel like a number. I wish insurance hadn't decided to not cover the existing physicians. This is such a hassle and it's so hard to start from scratch looking for a medical care tag team. I'm anticipating that when one door closes another opens and that the changes will be blessings in disguise! : )

Very, very sunny today! Thank you, God. The sun makes everything cheerier. Even though, the brightness didn't help the headache much. : )

I talked to Karen today. I'm anxious to see what transpires from this chance meeting. Maybe, a job opportunity, that will prove to be mutually beneficial. May God lead my footsteps.

current mood: grateful
current music: Foreigner; Juke Box Hero

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Tuesday, January 18th, 2005
8:39 pm - Back at it
Back at the journaling. I didn't give it much of a chance last time. Ready to try again.

So much has changed for me since I last wrote. It's really amazing when I think about it. I am now remarried and have 5 kids at home. (4 of them teenagers!) There is a saying, "Now that I have teens I understand why some animals eat their young!" ~tee-hee~

current mood: tired
current music: "Analyze That" in the other room

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Friday, January 31st, 2003
10:20 am - Woo hoo it's Friday!
It's Friday, it's Friday....I LOVE the weekend! I enjoy the break in the monotony and the freedom, to an extent, to do as I please! Plus, I always get to see my man most of the weekend so I'm a happy camper! It's snowing right now and very serene and peaceful. I would love to curl up with Rick watching movies, talking, cuddling, laughing and making love! The kids and I have a youth ministry meeting at church tonight so it'll eat up most of our evening. After work, Rick is going home to grab things for tomorrow and hanging out here at my house with me and the kids. The kids will enjoy the freedom tonight to do what they want after the meeting and staying up late. We go see a movie with them, or come home and play board games or something.... Melissa and I are going to do a girls morning Saturday before her and Anthony go to their dads for the night. Poor kid, I promised her a new pair of jeans before Christmas and either haven't had the time or just haven't felt well enough to take her! I'm sure most of our time tomorrow will be spent at her fave place...the mall! Ricks mom is going to watch Caleb, Elizabeth, and Mariah tonight through Sunday afternoon for him since their mom doesn't get them this weekend! I didn't even have to ask or hint about him carving out time for the two of us.....he asked his mother to take care of his kids all on his own!!!!!!!!!!! I'll make it worth his time Saturday night when my two are gone also! This is the last chance we'll get for a while due to the heavy load that his tax business brings until Spring! Boo hoo!

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Wednesday, January 29th, 2003
9:14 am - Hump day
It's the middle of the week and I'm counting down the hours until the weekend! Work has been very stressful this week, however, I'm anticipating with not having Ashton in care rest of the week it will go smoother. I have Blake and Abby today. Kira won't be here until 11:00 so it's a much quieter morning than usual.

I'm tired this morning from getting into bed so late and then tossing and turning so much. I had too much on my mind to fully relax. If anyone knows where I can purchase an on/off switch for my mind so that I have control over it, pass it on, please! ~giggle~

Melissa had friends over last night to watch Triple X and it had some awesome high speed scenes in it!! The kids were typical teenagers, talking more than watching the movie, arguing over different points, and snacking. I enjoyed having them over. I was tired after having little ones all day, doing supper, and then a house full of more kids. At least potty training and diaper changing wasn't on my job description with the teens! Melissa and I discussed having a co-ed movie night once a month for her and Anthony's buds, and the possibility of having a girls movie night, also.

I was exasperated when Brian showed up to pick up Garrett and Ashton. I told him that he and Heather needed to let me know when a good time was to come over to discuss Ashton's behavior. His only comment was, "there are good days, aren't there?" I explained my frustration with having to discipline and keep after her the entire day. It's not the kind of environment I want and strive to create. It's counter productive, for sure, to the teaching and learning process for the others. I half way didn't expect him to even tell Heather. The phone rang last night and it was Heather telling me that Brian gave her the message and that my comments to Brian scared her. I went into details about the daily struggles with defiance, uncooperativeness, hatefulness, stubborness, moods, and attitude. It was hard to be honest about things.....I mean, this is her little girl.....what a crappy part of my job this is.

I admitted that I had planned to give her notice to find another provider. After thinking about my goals and what I services I committ to providing I am opting to continue trying to make this work. I have had the children enrolled over a year now and there has been great strides made, however, Ashton's demeanor is draining, negative, and stressful as all get out. I'm burnt out. I told Heather between home and my place it was going to have to be more consistant in expectations/discipline/consequences. I explained that I knew she loved Ashton and tries to be a good mother but that she is going to have to be aggressive with eliminating this kind of behavior. She asks what I do in this situation and that one.....I tell her from a providers point of view what I do....however, if it were my daughter I'd be blistering her little fanny! Heather is way too soft and concerened with upsetting her kids. Heather, at one point, even started blaming Garrett saying that he picks on Ashton too much, competes with her constantly, etc. That's called welcome to having a sibling! It's not to be used to excuse Ashton's behaviour....I'm tired of hearing the excuses for why she acts the way she does. The bottom line is she's a very intelligent, head strong, strong willed, independant, stubborn little girl whom needs to learn she isn't going to win this fight. She isn't boss. Not here, anyway.

I want to be of service to the entire family and not bail out but I'm so frustrated with the situation. I care about Ashton and her development knowing that she has an emotional attachment to me and trusts me. To have them switch providers during this time of potty training and stubborn streak would not be the best thing for her, or the family, as a whole. Therefore, does anyone have some Valium?! Or, at least, an adult to converse with and blow steam?! lol

Pulling this off as a single mom adds to the exhaustion. Rick isn't as available for me to vent with due to his work schedule. He'd listen if I said I needed to talk but I don't want to add to his stress while he's in the midst of his own work battles. Tax season has just begun and I'm already hating it! I love how much freedom he has rest of the year so I should quit belly aching and focus on the positives. The attention he gives me, when he's not consumed with work, is hard to do without when he's busy. He's my best friend and I miss him like crazy. On a bright note us and the little ones (Melissa will be at Youth Group) are going to have dinner together tonight. The bestest part of it all will be that we'll get to cuddle afterwards and fall asleep in each others arms as our five monkeys sleep soundly. If I'm extremely blessed then the kids will pass out way before us and I will have a chance to ravish my man!!!! ~smile~ It would be wonderful to be married and not care if the kids hear us, or know what we're doing, or not! In the future.......

Well, I need to get back to playing!

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Thursday, January 23rd, 2003
2:25 pm - First Entry
I'm ready to jump into the world of on line journaling! I have felt the need to journal again after having taken a break for a lllooonnnggg time. I started the pen and paper thing before bed last night, however, I would like to give the online experience a shake. I love typing, reading, writing. The possibilities of being able to communicate with others about my/their journal and lives is appealing.

Today has been a many moods day. It started out with a piercing migraine and very low energy and no motivation. My day has now progressed to feeling very low pain levels only in my left shoulder and neck. Yippee!! I'm excited about having started something that I've wanted to for a while...this journal. I'm a little annoyed that other than doing the daily laundry I haven't accomplished a thing today. It's almost time to go get the after school crew and I haven't yet showered! I have the energy to attempt that now and am hopeful that it won't completely zap me. What a nuisance to worry about taking a shower and having my energy depleted from it! But, it could be worse! I could feel awesome, need a shower, and not have a working one! Now, THAT would be a bad day!

The kids and I may go (dependent upon my physical status) to Ricks for supper tonight. He is home with his kids again today and he put in a roast with potatoes, carrots, etc. this morning. He's so cute about wanting us over when he does have the time to cook. ~smile~

Welp, that's the extent of my first posting! It's off to the shower for me!

current mood: amused

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