09:25pm 09/05/2005
  I am a stupid bitch.  
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-sigh- the inevitable   
02:17pm 13/03/2005
mood: sad, yet... better
music: fantaisie-impromptu - chopin
I'm afraid I'm going to have to start a new one of these. it just isn't going along as I had intended. at all. I'll be back in a little while, my blurty friends.

goodbye wikywoo. I'll miss you. -sob! sob!- VRAIMENT FIN
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12:38pm 13/03/2005
mood: eck.
music: El watching the spanish chnl. now that's cultural enrichment
feeling somewhat better today. heh. tho I don't really know why. it's sunny out! ahhh.... he never called back yesterday, and I wasn't surprised. meh. I want some reds. lots of them. I'm out of words. FIN

oh wait... almost forgot. thanks to everyone for being so nice.
I'm in the mood for Bukowski   
07:54pm 12/03/2005
mood: heh...
music: somethin by zz top
"lonely as a dry and used orchard
spread over the earth
for use and surrender.

shot down like an ex-pug selling
dailies on the corner.

taken by tears like
an aging chorus girl
who has gotten her last check.

a hanky is in order your lord your

"and everywhere is
the dream is as bad as
flapjacks and flat tires:

why do we go on
with our minds and
pockets full of
like a bad boy just out of

"you tell me
why I am on fire like old dry

from one of my favorites: the blackbirds are rough today. Bukowski is god. have I said that already? oh well it bears repeating. I am tired as fuck. literally & fuguratively. I'm tired of all this. that's it... I"m runnin away to new york. ha yeah right... FIN
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more mindless ranting... ugh....   
05:39pm 12/03/2005
music: strawberry fields - the beatles
I mean where the fuck were you two months ago when I would have died just to have you swear and yell at me about how stupid I am to be doing this. where were you when fucktard was tearing me apart??? when I couldn't get any sleep because all I could do is lock myself in my room and cry all night? where the fuck were you???

are you surprised that I'm angry? you fucking abandoned me. and now you day you're "worried" about me? that I have "mood swings", and that you and your fucking cohort are here to save me from myself??? no no no no..... it's far too fucking late to start caring about me now. forget it.

besides what could you possible want from me anyhow? you're on the other side of the fucking continent.... and I can't help you. anymore than I can help myself. so what's the point? FIN
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you!!!... gah!... oh this's dumb!!!!   
12:58pm 12/03/2005
mood: pissed, confused. I dunno.
music: blue - APC
I think it's safe to say I'm angry now!!! stupid... fucking... tramp.... you can't just fucking dissapear whenever you want and then reappear out of nowhere and expect me to be all "Oh! yay! I love you!!" It just doesn't fucking work that way!!!! if you're going to leave me alone, then fucking leave me alone!!! and if you're going to stay then stay!!! stop playing w/ my goddamn sanity!!! IT'S NOT NICE!!!!! ughaaaa... I'm disgusted w/ myself. FIN

(afterthought: when I answered the phone, and heard his voice... I got that sick feeling like when I talk to fucktard. what does this mean? I associate him w/ fucktard? I think he's the same as fucktard? what the fuck is going on???!!!?)
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what to do what to do   
08:34pm 11/03/2005
mood: sarcastic, yet pensive
music: garden - pearl jam
"the direction of the eye / so misleading / the defection of the soul / nauseously quick / I don't question / her existance / I just question / our modern needs
I will walk w/ my hands bound / I will walk w/ my face blood / I will walk w/ my shadow flag / into your garden / garden of stone..." I'm in a pearl jam kind of mood. don't ask me what that means I'm not really sure.

so I'm trying to decide whether or not I should go to prom. a little early, I know, but I like to decide early. gives me more options. cons & pros listy time kids!

1.) friends (Karah & Aub mostly)
2.) I could easily get a date (tho I don't understand...)
3.) afterparty. m-hm.
4.) Mike?
5.) I get new shoes (yeah that alone should be the deciding factor. puh.)
6.) maybe I could get my Russian lover to come w/ me! ha ha ha!!!... I'm not being serious btw.

1.) having to dance w/ people who dusgust me just to be nice. (because god fucking forbid I'm mean to ANYONE...)
2.) dressing up. eck.
3.) have to get a dress, which means (a.)trying on things, which I find to be a horrifyingly depressing experience, and (b.) requires $
4.) disgustingly annoying relatives w/ cameras
4.) Kate's not going
5.) it's a "school function". c'mon how fun can that possibly be?
6.) dancing all night in heels wreaks havoc and pestilence and brimstoney pain of biblical proportions on my feet
7.) last year moderately sucked.

well, that helps a little. 7 to 5. hm. what thinks you my peanut gallery? to go or not to go... that, is the question. whether 'tis nobler to stay home and get wasted, or to dance w/ strangers... ha! Shakespeare just died all over again.

wait why am I wasting my time thinking about this? this is really dumb. who fucking cares if I go to the goddamn prom or not it doesn't matter. FIN
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07:52pm 11/03/2005
mood: sick
music: some old song by a dead guy. well I think he's dead anyhow.
I just read over some past entries... and I think... that I am fucked in the head. and if you didn't believe me then, allow me to prove it to you! (why am I posting this? I don't even know. the best excuse I can give you is that I'm.... dumb. heh.)

the angel refuses to hear me
but the devil's always up for a good conversation.

what do you expect?
where am I to find any comfort
when you won't even acknowledge
that I exist?
why then are you surprised
when I serve my body to the demons
and crawl back to the Devil himself?
I am a weak pathetic creature.
and I will find my solace
I just don't care if it's from heaven or hell.

that is why I seek the company of the Devil.
(not that you'd bother to understand
or even care.)

(oh yeah. I do have another excuse. I don't think I was sober when I wrote that. heh... don't know for sure... can't remember.) FIN

(afterthought: remember my grand plan to escape this tyranny? -sigh- that kinda went out the window. I have better things to worry about. and I'm lazy. and broke as fuck. (starting to think my boss fired me and forgot to tell me.) I think I can stand them hating me for another year or so. besides, how else am I going to fucking pay for college?)
this is nothing really   
11:44pm 10/03/2005
music: remember - disturbed
I am a dumb pathetic bitch. I"m listening to the CD he gave me. I've been listening to all of them lately. down w/ the sickness, the manson mix... and Cold. altho he didn't give me that one. it just reminds me of him. and yet, I tore his picture off my wall. and I refuse to read anything he sent me because I'm angry and he's being stupid... and I stashed the bracelet he gave me somewhere and I can't find it and that's really upsetting me... -sigh- contradictions are so painful. and I am really fucking stupid!!!!

if I don't matter to him, then I don't matter at all. if he can't hear me, no one will. I care more about him than I do my own pitiful fucking stupid self and he just... dissapears and... it's happening AGAIN... and i"m still pretending to be happy for someone I don't even know? why?goddammit.... I just had to start again....

why does he do this? doesn't he know it only makes my "problems" worse???? can't he just fucking think for once??? FIN
I consider myself despised.   
03:15pm 08/03/2005
music: the patient - tool
"is this how it works?...

when you left
you took almost

I kneel in the nights
before tigers
that will not let me be.

what you were
will not happen again.

the tigers have found me
and I do not care."

you don't have to continue this. I get it now. fine. you can go ahead and brainwash yourself now it's okay.

I have learned the value of illegal and abused substances. and if you're going to be a contemptuous bastard and hate me for what keeps me alive, then I consider myself despised. and I will use it to kill myself instead. will that make you happy?

hate = silence. FIN
ehh... ah... oh.   
10:15pm 07/03/2005
mood: hurray for nausea!
music: sub-mission - sex pistols
I am... trashed. I came home, and I ate so much stuff... and then I just crashed... slept for four hours... and now here I am! and I feel like shit. ugh. but my Russian lover is making me feel a little better. lol! yeah that's all I'm bothering to complain about tonight. I'm too tired to continue. g'night lovey. FIN
future? puh!.... what future?   
08:15pm 06/03/2005
mood: brain... overload... ah!
music: skism - Tool
(don't bother reading this. it's stupid. it's just to help me think things out. can't say I didn't warn you.)
now you've got me thinkin about the future lovey. oh boy....

I've always avoided this subject myself because... I don't wanna say I'm scared, exactly. intimidated? (yeah that makes me sound less of a sissy. heh.) "I'll worry about it when I get there! harrumph!..." well, I'm kinda there now... I just don't wanna fuck things up. and seeing how that's something I'm really good at... so! college...

there's this arts college in Detroit... "College for Creative Studies!"... and I would give my right arm AND both my kidneys to go there. it's away from here, first of all... but still in state, so I'd get more financial aid... and I mean, art man!!! but... what if I get stuck in just arts and I can't find a job? then I'll be a starving artist living on the streets. what's the big deal? and who says you'll even make it that far anyhow?

then there's Augustana, a very well rounded university in Illinois. this's probly the smartest choice. and it is farther away... but problem is I dunno if I can get in there. my grades... suck. mostly because I'm a lazy dumb whore and don't care... got a letter from Gustavus in Minnesota, but I've already given up on that. there's just no way.

last but not least, Elmhurst in Illinois. small, private(I think) college. doesn't have much to choose from as far as arts. but everything else seems okay. -sigh-.... I hate having to decide shit...

ha ha ha ha! oh and if college doesn't work out I could always just go waste my life and marry some idiot and be his slave for the rest of my life! woohoo! I have a backup plan! uhhhhh........

OR, I could always move in w/ Adam and... um... I dunno. besides well... are there any good art colleges in NY? cause I'd be good at the part of the good-for-nothing-starving-artist-girlfriend. hell yeah I could do that man.

ambition? puh! I dunno the meaning of the word. FIN
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ha ha! LOOKATIT!!!   
03:00pm 06/03/2005
mood: dumb. as usual.
music: crawl away - tool
im·be·cile ( P ) (mb-sl, -sl)n.:
1.) A stupid or silly person; a dolt.

2.) A person whose mental acumen is well below par.

3.) A person of moderate to severe mental retardation having a mental age of from three to seven years and generally being capable of some degree of communication and performance of simple tasks under supervision. The term belongs to a classification system no longer in use and is now considered offensive.

ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! that's me! I'm a dolt. dead... volt?... FIN

afterthought: I am in love with David Firth. add him to the list darling...
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here I am, complaining again   
02:38pm 06/03/2005
mood: spastic/ something else?
music: prison sex - tool
unh. what else do I have to do? besides, I live in Michigan. that's an official passtime here. yeah, so it's cold. I'm going to move to Florida. and I'm taking Adam w/ me. whether or not I have to kidnap him. hope I do. that'd make it more fun. but eh... oh well. at least the sun is shining....

just made myself an awesome salad. I'm kinda proud of it. the last time I had a salad.... well I can't remember. salads are for pansies. heh.

ooohhh what else.... I love my Russian. he's hilarious. and he plays soccer. did I tell you that already? hm. and british people make me feel stupid. have you ever talked to one before? they're really fucking smart. and they all smoke. all of them. you don't smoke, you're not british. it's a rule.

"do unto me now / what has been done to you / do unto me now / what has been done... / you're breathin so I guess you're still alive..." I believe I am becoming addicted to Tool. and strongbad. my computer decided not to suck anymore so now it'll let me see the sbemails. it's fantastic. -sigh- now I just can't help but wonder what genuis created it. I'd love to thank him/her. give them a handshake, money, backrub... er, where was I going w/ that? oh well.

"I am just a worthless liar / I am just an imbecile / I will only complicate you / trust in me and fall as well / I will find a center in you / I will chew it up and leave / trust me trust me trust me trust me...." FIN
dream - last night   
05:28pm 05/03/2005
  I was in the teacher's parking lot out in front, only the school was a nightclub. it was dark. there was a giant wooden deck in the parking lot, lots of people on it (including me). they were drinking out of all different colors of plastic cups and smoking and having a good time. Scott and Chad showed up, and the deck went away. I ran up to Scott. he was taller, wearing all black like he used to. no makeup, no fancy clothes. I gave him a weird kind of hug, and kissed him. he just kind of stood there for a second. then him & Chad walked away into the building. I stood and watched them leave, then the wooden deck reappeared and I continued to party. then I got strung out, and started looking for him everywhere but I couldn't find him. I ended up slumped in a corner somewhere, crying. something about a green plastic bowl. can't remember any more. FIN  
" can dance w/ Billy on the piano if you want..."   
05:20pm 05/03/2005
mood: dizzy
music: mannish boy - the stones
last night was fine. I was a perfect angel, of course. I always am. ha!

not in the greatest mood right now. talked to my buddy Matt... that's dragging me down. he must hate me. -sigh- fortunately, Adam is in love w/ me. heh. poor bastard... this song always reminds me of him. "we can have lots of fun..." wonder what he's doing right now. goddamn I am stupid. FIN
05:09pm 04/03/2005
mood: sullen
music: morganstern - rammstein
woke up again this morning w/ a migrane because I was clenching my teeth in my sleep. I don't know what that dream was about but it must've worried me. but today was better than yesterday. thank... -fully. no more puppy eyes. he's still talking to me tho. and I don't know... what or why or how.... eh but what does it matter I'm screwed up anyhow. hmm but it's fun sometimes...

going to Mandy's tonight. hope my patience and good humor hold out. other than that... it promises to be a bland weekend, as usual. maybe I'll go out w/ Kate and pay that one guy at the tattoo place a visit. he seems interesting enough. and he's hot. Kate's unhappy w/ me tho. I don't blame her. I haven't been much more than just civil to anyone lately. less than that, even, to most. she gets tired of me I know. it's okay. everyone does. FIN
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more song lyrics...   
07:20pm 03/03/2005
mood: not any better than last time
music: not enough - our lady peace
because I'm pathetic. and my head is empty and incapable of holding any thoughts. booey-fuckin-hoo.

"how do you feel? / how do you hate? / how can you wake up w/ the smile that's on your face? / out on the moon / if I was an astronaut / could I get back to you? / I'm out of my head / I'm out of excuses so I'm staring at the bed / & it's you / it's you

hold on / I hold on / I can't let go / and you don't know / how I feel / hold on / I hold on / I'd sell my soul / and you don't know / how I feel..."

I think I'll go pass out now. bye bye. FIN
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07:04pm 03/03/2005
mood: dizzy. naseous.
music: halo - a perfect circle
I'm feeling now like I haven't felt in a long time. and that's not a good thing, either. -sigh- I reverted to old habits today. took so many pills this morning... I was floating pretty much all day. I should be ashamed of myself. but I'm still too numb right now for that. I may never feel it. I mean I am a dumb, heartless little bitch, right?

talked to Alec about Scott today. said he called him a few days ago, and that his internet "hasn't been working". fucking puppet. oh and that I should call him. yeah I'll get right on that. right after I cut my fucking eyes out. and maybe my ears while I'm at it.

I'm sorry I haven't been exactly jovial lately honey. I can't. I don't know what's wrong w/ me. I'm sorry.

"cuff these hands before they / snare another pill and / drive another nail down / another needy whore / please release me..." FIN
complaint dept.   
06:34pm 02/03/2005
mood: sick
music: when the whip comes down - the Stones
fun times today. went to see Trav and his adorable dog. I love him. the dog, not Trav. he's not as good as my Dottie, tho... I really miss that dog. hm. how pathetic. otherwise, uneventful... as usual...

had a very hostile conversation w/ the fucktard yesterday. haven't thought about it again since today. I didn't like it. as much as I hate him, I hate conflict more. why is that? HOW is that?

god I'm so fucking tired of hearing everyone complain. El: "my eyes burn! I have double vision! contacts suck! I am not satisfied!" mom's yelling bloody fucking murder at the goddamn dog. and dad's not vocalizing but I can hear it by his sigh... it's the kind of sigh he does right before he tells me he's not happy w/ my grades or I stayed out too late or I'm grounded for 2 weeks. god... I sound so jouvenile. and now I'm joining them. great. FIN