!5 (SaVe us from the PaIn)'s Blurty

Journey to Hell
So my mom flew down to Florida the last week I was here. We did a bunch of stuff and whatnot and everything was going relatively alright until we were driving back to Michigan.
We got in a huge fight. It was horrible. I was so misberable, I just wanted to be home so I could go lock myself in my bedroom and get away from her but I couldn't. I was stuck in a car with her with two and a half more states to drive through. I was about ready to just go absolutely fucking crazy. I just wanted to go find a restroom somewhere or something so I could go cut myself or get high ...I didn't though.

Everytime I get really upset and have a breakdown and I don't have anything to cut myself with I start digging the fuck out of myself with my nails. So now I have a huge reddish, brownish blotch on my forehead that is just raw skin.
It hurts. I'm afraid to go out in public now, it looks so stupid. It looks like I just layed a hot curling iron on my forehead. And I hate people asking me what did you do to your forehead?
If it would of been anywhere else, even my chin or cheek I wouldn't care but it just looks rediculous in the middle of my forehead. Ugh. Why do I have to destroy myself?
As miserable as the fight with my mom was, I am glad that it happened. It had to happen sooner or later. I couldn't keep everything bottled up for much longer.
There were things that just needed to be said. I think I got SOME things across to her but overall, she will never understand anything. NEVER. NEVER. NEVER.
Shes just too close-minded. She keeps telling me that I need to get some help, I'm too emotionally unstable and I have no coping skills. And she is right.
I am extemely unstable and I really don't know how to cope with anything but the thing of it is her solution is the wrong one. And that is the part that I can't get across to her no matter how hard I try.
She wants me to see a therapist but a therapist is not what I need. I know what I need and it is not a doctor. I highly doubt a therapist could tell me anything that I didn't already know.
People aren't the way they are for no reason. I hold much more faith in psychological healing then in having fucking drugs shoved down my throat. Talking to a therapist is not going to make me feel better and will not solve any of my problems.
The things I need a doctor cannot give to me. I don't know why my mother can't get this through her thick fucking skull.
I think she places too much faith in doctors because she doesn't want me to seek out what I really need.
She doesn't want me to move away and be on my own. She doesn't think I am capable of taking care of myself. She doesn't think I am emotionally strong enough to hold myself together. Why can't she atleast let me fucking try?
Its obvisous she has no faith in me whatsoever.
She uses our brawl as an example, how I just exploded over something really stupid. My explosion wasn't even about that. It was because I keep so much bottled up inside for so long I was bound to explode sooner orlater.
I keep telling her she doesn't understand anything and she says thats because you never tell me anything. And I tell her because this is what happens. We just end up fighting.
I keep everything bottled up for her sake because I just don't want to fight with her. How can she expect me to tell her things when she doesn't and never will understand anything no matter how hard I try to explain.
We're just such completely fucking different people. Its just absolutely 100% impossible for her to see anything from my point of view. So theres just no point in telling her anything. We'll just end up fighting.

I just don't know why she wants me to be here. I'm just a big fucking disappointment to everyone. I could never live up to who they want me to be. I'm a burden, thats what I am. Thats all I ever will be if I stay here.
I don't want to be a burden. I just want to be free and be me. I feel really bad for my mom sometimes. Having me as a daughter must be horrible. I would hate having me as a daughter.

The moment we drove into this stupid town I just wanted to die. Thats how this fucking place makes me feel.
My dog doesn't miss me as much as he used to, I can tell. When I finally walked up to my bedroom and sat down on my bed I just felt like crying but I couldn't. I'm all out of tears.
The two little neighbor girls came over to see me right when I got home. I should feel special but I don't. I just can't possibly understand why they like me so much.
If I was them, I wouldn't like me. I think they must be confusing me with someone else. Maybe a former me from days long past. Everything about this place is just wrong. I wish this town would just explode and be wiped off the face of the Earth. No more bad memories and bad feelings to associate with this Hell.

*sigh* I just don't know what to do. I can't stay here, I just can't. I will guarenteed end up hurting myself bad if I stay here. Is that what she wants??
Why can't she understand that if I stay here something bad will happen to me. Maybe I should do something just to scare her. I have to leave and thats all there is to it.
I don't want to fight with her again so maybe I will just leave without telling anyone. Fuck her anyways. I'm almost 20. I'll do what I damn well please.
No matter what I do she'll be mad and disappointed in me so fuck it. I can't live for her I have to live for me. I feel really bad about and like I said... I'm really sorry that I am her daughter.
But maybe after I prove her wrong she won't be mad at me anymore.

Current Mood: distressed