| 10:22a |
I surprisingly have no regrets today. I'm glad I did it. I feel better. I was just expressing how I was feeling. I can't trust anyone so I can't tell anyone how I feel. I'm even beginning to regret telling Penski so much. At this point I just want to retreat and be alone. Go back to how things were. When I didn't tell anyone anything I was feeling. I didn't have to worry about people betraying my trust. I know I can trust myself and that's it.
Seven times. Seven cuts. Still bleeding this morning. One keeps ripping open. The last one. It's the worst but felt the best. My legs look a terrible mess but somehow I like it. The cuts all uneven and unsymmetrical. Not me at all, usually everything perfect and equal. I drive myself crazy some days trying to be perfect. School the biggest stress of all. I try to get perfect grades but since I started college that's gone out the window. I've lost perfection.
I feel as though my mom's betrayal has completely changed me inside. I don't even know if I could explain it. I just want to be alone. I know if I'm around people I'm going to have to pretend. Pretend that everything is okay. It's easier to be alone. Although today is going to be one big day of pretending. I'm going over Andrew's soon and then I have to close at work tonight. I can do it. I'll make it. Anyways I'm out. ttyl
nicole |