!5 (SaVe us from the PaIn)'s Blurty

confused
so right now i'm really confused .. i'm not sure how to take things .. last night i was crushed litterally .. and i cut .. kinda bad =/ i really did try and talk it out this time rather than cut but i honestly could get a hold of anyone at the time. anthony was my only possible option and i just didn't wanna talk to him about this cuz i know i'd just end up feeling worse if i did. so i tried messaging dennis of all ppl .. and figures he just signed off myspace .. then i tried krissy .. but she signed off too .. i would've tried tim if he wasn't the cause .. and then i txted mizzy .. after i lost it a little and did like one or two little cuts .. but she was probably asleep .. i IMed bree .. and she didn't answer .. so this time i really did try not to do it . but i did. so last night i was talking to tim on myspace and i asked wutz up and he was like i'm just confused right now .. and i asked about wut. he said to read his blog .. i did .. and it hurt .. here's wut it said ..

Why do i love them both

I have all the love in the world for one

but i still love them both

Why cant i understand

I love them both and want them both

My heart belongs to both

Only one has it now

Iam gratful for who i Have

But theres still the uknown feelings for the other

so i was hurt a little by this .. cuz i know that i'm not the only one he wants. wut hurt more was who the other person is .. my best friend. that kills. she probably doesn't know but she might if she reads this. i was glad that he was honest with me .. but it feels like my heart has been torn into a million unfixable pieces. we talked about it a little and he kept saying that he was sorry. but it doesn't matter. i asked if he loved her .. and he said it's close .. and i cried a little. i couldn't help it. he sent me a message saying that if i'm cryin please don't cuz he doesn't wanna make me cry .. but it's too late. he wanted to talk further about it today .. we'll see. idk. it's killing me inside. i love him so fuckin much and i thought that maybe this time i could be his only one .. but i'll never be good enough. it wouldn't even bother me as much if it wasn't for the fact that my best friend is the one that he's having feelings for. i've lost guys to her b4 .. no big thing. she's gorgeous. but when you're in love with a person and they're starting to love someone else that you're close with ... then it hurts more than any other pain i've experienced .. so i cut it out. it wasn't bright but i was panicing and had nowhere to go .. so it was wut i did to calm me down. i'm still with him at the moment. he wants to talk l8er today .. but i don't know how i'm gunna face him right now .. i don't know wut to do. i'm falling apart =(

Current Mood: crushed