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Sunday, February 10th, 2008
| Time | Event |
| 2:19a | it's been a month so i haven't cut since janurary 9th i believe. i've had some strong urges but i haven't caved since then. i still tend to pick at my skin until it bleeds when i'm in a situation that i don't wanna be in, or when i don't feel comfortable. but it's progress to avoid the cutting if i can. but at the same time i want to do it and say fuck it to the world and just do it whenever i feel like it. but i also know that i should stop, or at least try to stop. i'm trying. right not i have an amazing bf whom i love and who (dating or not dating) is one of my reasons for trying not to. i know it upsets him when i do it bcuz he doesn't want me to hurt. but at the same time he knows it's my choice and the more he trys to stop me the more i want it. so i'm trying to stop or at least keep it more undercontrol bcuz i know i need to and i know that it hurts him even when he doesn't say it. |
| 4:51p | |
| 8:40p | My favorite place is my own world. A place, perhaps the only place, I belong. Inside my world, there's a heavy sadness, A sadness that grows forever. It'll keep on growing until it finally kills me. Kills me on the inside. Black roses of guilt are swallowing me whole. Seven black roses, seven guilty, deadly sins. Guilt for all I've said and done. Guilt for breathing. It torments me. It distorts me. It leaves me all alone to hide in unforgiven shame. Eaten alive, I sit and cry. In my world, there resides a deep loneliness. A loneliness only I can see. It makes my heart fall hard and unknowing of how to stop. Everyone around me changes, while I still am myself. I've felt foresaken for too long. How could I let this build up inside of me? My body is weak. My soul is broken. Maybe, just maybe, I'm not real. |
| 10:25p | I'm not going to lie. I feel like cutting. Ever since I cut on Thursday I want it more. I had stopped for two weeks and gave in. So much has been going on and I just couldn't take it anymore. And since I cut on Thursday it's not like I have a reason not to cut. Before I was trying to see how long I could go and as the days passed I was getting excited because there had been so many days since I had cut and it kept me from cutting some nights. Now I have no reason not to. It's only been three days. I almost just want to do it again because it's only been a few days and I can't really tell myself not to because of a streak of not cutting. I just want to be done with my life. It's so hard and I really think that I have too much going on. Too many stresses in life! ttyl nicole Current Mood:  stressed |
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