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Monday, January 28th, 2008
| Time | Event |
| 1:12p | hey well, its been on long fuckin' time since i wrote anything here. where the f did everyone go? are we all rotting in the ground, or miraculously saved? it's been six months and a handful of days since i last dragged that blade across my leg, pressed down, and felt the warm, wet trickle of blood soothe my blistering mind. after an evil bitch tore gaping holes into my heart, i've found myself attempting to fill them with anything. everything. even new love. denial. false hope. bleh. this morning i woke up and all i could do was lie in bed an cry. The wretched emptiness that ripped through my chest felt like some horrid arctic wind that sent a chill through my whole being. i felt, in that moment, that the only thing that could bring me down to reality, to help me to feel as if i were a part of the fucking world, was to draw out my blood and wrap myself up in the reassurance that i am still flesh and bone. the numbness grips me with an iron fist and chokes the joy out of everything. the indifference that surrounds me is becoming an all-consuming force that threatens to destroy the resolve i have mustered this past half-year. ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUCKING CUT MYSELF. it's such an old story to my mom. to my boyfriend. 'why aren't you over that shit yet?" seems to be the general response i receive when i make the mistake of thinking that when people say they want you to tell them how you feel they really mean it. they just say it cause they have to. i wish they'd all just leave me alone and let me do it. the only reason that im not covered in blood right now is that i fear the emotional labour of explaining to my boyfriend. it's my body. my life. i should be able to do what i want. but i can't. the reason holding me back from letting go, letting loose, is becoming less and less important. part of my brain says that if he really loves me, he won't let the cutting change anything. or maybe it's the opposite. who knows. either way, i just had to say something to someone. Current Mood:  depressed |
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