!5 (SaVe us from the PaIn)'s Blurty

I want to do it! It hasn't been this strong in a long time. I've been doing so well!!! WTF happened? Just a sudden urg to do it, out of anger, and stress. It's the only thing I can think of to do to release what I feel inside. I can't talk to anyone I know about it... I'll go to RidgeView! I can't afford to go there, and I know my family cant afford to send me there either, but they'll do what ever it takes to get me some "help" from a person I don't even know. A person I'm suppose to trust with everything I say just because I'm paying for them to listen. That's all they care about relaly is the pay because some of them get paid very well. Yes, you do have to go to school for a long time to do that profession.
THis is so weird for it to come out of no where. I haven't done it in like a month. I've been spacing it out very well, and keeping it that way, not letting it become an everyday thing you know? Not like before. I don't want to fall into that again. One thing I wish I could do, and have the will power to do more is to not eat. I'm wanting to lose a lot of weight before summer gets here. I weigh 180, and I want to get down to 125-130lbs. But that's gonig to be a challege with my family again, because of my past, they still watch me. Maybe not as close as they use too, but they still look for the sighns. I wish there was a way to hide things better. I'm 19 years old, and still do this shit! FUCK!!! I want to stop, I figured by now I would have grown out of it completely... But I met people in there 30's who still do it, and still have to hide it in order not to be spent to some kind of hospital.
I can't take this anymore!! I just want to end these thoughts! I want to know why they keep coming back, and why I freak out so bad when they come back. I'm not a drama queen I just worry myself over these thoughts because they tend to grow, and grow into something I can't seem to control anymore!

Current Mood: anxious