| 4:35p |
tomorrow will be nine months
and it's been the hardest, and best thing i've ever done.
it's the hardest to let go, the feeling, the adrenaline, the relief
but i must say, as much as i do miss it and crave for the feeling again. i'm so glad i don't anymore.
it makes my life a lot easier. i've been addicted to the feeling and the idea of it for four straight years
i was constantly racing home from wherever i was no matter how much fun i was having or what i was leaving. i thought of the quickest excuse to book out of there and get home to my exacto knife or scizzors or whatever i could get my hands on to dig into my thigh..
it was horrible.
i'm glad i don't cut myself anymore, i freed myself, and will be free unless i make the choice to cut again. and no matter what the cause i will never put that on anybody else, i will never blame anybody else for me cutting myself. it's my choice, nobody can make.
for some reason i like to touch the bumpy spots where they used to be.
i don't want to forget that i cut myself. ever. i respect those who have won the same battle that i'm still fighting. even though i'm nine months clean i'm still fighting.
all of you who are fighting right this minute. reading this entry debating on whether to just do it to feel good
or to get rid of the feeling of sadness or anger..just be strong.
i'm here to talk to anybody, i will help anyone who asks for it.
my secret to getting better?
it's no secret really. i met someone through this group and i reached out to her.
i told her my story and she told me hers. she showed me that she cared.
it was the ONLY thing that helped me! every time i wanted to, and thought about how nobody would care if i did. all of my friends would just say "oh shocker there, i wonder what she'll do next"
i thought of her and thought somebody actually cares! i don't want to make her sad..
then eventually i stopped for myself. i told myself that i cared. i would be disappointed in myself.
so really, i mean it. i'm here to help :] |