!5 (SaVe us from the PaIn)'s Blurty

You pretend you're safe inside
I was just shmoozing around the internet and link by link I was brought here, which is a funny thing, quite the mysterious coincidence.

When I was in 8th grade I began injuring myself. Small etchings from a pin, mostly. Only once in a great while. Then when I was in high school I upped it a little and started cutting with the blades of a dismantled shaver. At the time I cut nearly every day, at least a half dozen slashes. But when things got bad I would make anywhere from 50-100 new injuries on the skin of my forearms. A few trips to the hospital later I eased out of it. Only cutting maybe once a month, maybe a dozen times.

I am 21 now, but the scars of my past are still raised on my skin. The last time I cut was in February. A razerblade that for some reason I kept in my car(guess what reason, even in the back of my mind). I am in the Marine Corps now, and half been counseled several times for self injury, and now have a looming threat over my head. If I demonstrate even the slightest signs of self injury it will be an automatic administrative seperation...I'd get kicked out immediatly.

On one hand the Marines keeps me from hurting myself, even if only because of the punitive results, but on the other hand it seems to be causing my desires to hurt to rise day by day. I was harshy and unfairly yelled at today...It happens all the time, comes with the territory...Most of the time I just brush it off, suck it up and move on. But for some reason today I just shut down. I didn't even listen to what was being told to me, I just sank into thoughts of a blade on my skin. The razorblade kiss I cherished as a teen. I just want to let out the pain and frustration through a slit in my arm and relish the red river of relief.

Before February the last time I cut was September of 2005. I was doing so good, but I'm regressing now. I hadn't even wanted to before Feb. But since then the taste has been in my mouth...And the only way to rid myself of it is with more.

Showing this kind of weakness is deeply frowned upon. I almost hate myself for it. I would be ashamed if someone found out. There are those who might pity me, but most would be disgusted. The most fiercesome fight force in the world. I am here to protect America from terrorism, and I can't even protect myself from me.

I can't do it, obviously...I'd get my rifle taken away. But I want to.

I can't talk to anyone about this without everyone going up in arms to get me out of here. I just needed to vent, and finding this group full of people with the same affliction seemed like an appropriate place. No one over here would understand, but if at least one of you does than that makes it okay(ish).

Thanks for reading.

Current Mood: disappointed
Current Music: Devil Driver - Die (And Die Now)