!5 (SaVe us from the PaIn)'s Blurty

I'm new here. ..long post, I appologize
I've been on blurty for some time now. But I haven't gotten a chance to update my posts until this week.

My name is Lucy *WAVES*
I have a problem with cutting and bulimia.
and here is my story.

When I was born, my mother was 15 years old. I was obviously a mistake. Her mother kicked her out of the house when she got pregnant (and thats about all i know of that story) When I was born, my mom just left me laying in a recycling bin. Someone found me and brought me to a hospital. Later, I was taken to an orphanage. I was about 6 months when i was finally adopted. I lived with my first set of adoptive parents for 6 years. My dad would beat me, and he molested me 3 times. Social Services took me away. I was back in an orphanage. I was almost 8 when I was adopted for the second time. The couple who adopted me were sweet, and caring. They also had adopted a boy who was 3 years older than me. I lived a pretty normal life on the outside. But every night I would cry myself to sleep. I started to hate my life. As my brother and I grew up, we found out our dad was an alcoholic and our mom was threatening divorce. My brother started picking on me. Him and his friends would call me fat and they would pinch my stomach and arms. By the time I was 13, I would cry in my room for hours pinching at my arms, thighs and stomach. I had marks where I would squeeze too hard. That was the beginning of my self destructive age. Everyday I would drown my feelings in food, so I started ballooning up. The insults became horrifying. I would wake up in the mornings before school and force myself to throw up so I wouldn't have to face the kids who would constantly make fun of me. I hated myself. I started smoking thinking it would relieve some stress, that led to more destructive behavior. I started burning my arms with cigarette butts. And that led to me cutting myself. I had very few friends, everyone thought I was 'weird'. One day when I was in 9th grade, my brother had some of his friends come over. I was downstairs in my basement. My brother and one of his friends were going to go to pick someone up and he sent his other friend to wait downstairs because he didn't know I was down there and my brother didn't want to bother me. Well his friend walked downstairs and saw me watching tv on the couch and came and sat by me and talked. --Long story short, he forced me to give him head or else he would have raped me. Everytime I saw him for the next 6 or 7 months, he forced me to do that. I never told anyone because I was afraid of what he would do. But then thankfully for me, he moved away. The next year I was hospitalized for attempted suicide. I was forced to talk to a therapist and was put on medication, Lexapro. I was starting to get better. But then one night I was spending the night at my friend's appartment, and there were a bunch of people there. Everyone was in one room, but I didn't feel good so I went into the kitchen. A guy followed me out there. He talked to me a while. Then I started falling asleep on the floor. He woke me up and told me to go watch a movie in the back room with him. I told him I was too tired to watch a movie but i'd lay down on the couch because it was more comfortable. I laid down and fell asleep. The next thing I know, I woke up and he is on top of me, inside of me. He raped me. I cried and cried. Everyone in the appartment woke up. One of the guys kicked him out, they didn't want him around me. I haven't seen him or heard from him since. I went into a downward spiral. I isolated myself from people. My cutting became worse than ever. I hated myself. I was disgusted with everything about me. I would eat, I would stuff my mouth full of food, but I could never keep it down. I started making myself throw up after everytime I ate. I stopped taking my meds. I was a mess. My mom finally found out I quit taking the medication and she got me back on it. Once again my moods started looking up, but the bulimia stuck with me. I am fighting that--and cutting, still today.

Current Mood: sad