| 11:17p |
"way to go dan!" -that's the first time my mom has ever said that to me. too bad it was said in this situation. i just want to get away sometimes, you know? so i do, i got out of this house and went to katies then my mom phones and tells me to get home now. i dont get her.
she just told me a day ago (after knowing about my school plan for a year) that if i take this co-op and work the second semester my dad will stop paying child support so then my mom wouldn't be able to afford me, so shes making me pay rent -$400 a month. and on top of that i have to save money for college in the fall. then she tells me that after shes paid for five years of university my sister will have to pay for her fifth year herself because my mother has no more money to spend on things "like that." which means i'm left paying for alot of my schooling. over the past 17 years of my life i've listened to her bitch and complain to my sister and i about my "asshole of a father." and i've listened to my dad complain about my "bitch of a mother." i'm so tired of being the started for their fire. i'm so tired of being in the middle of all of this. i'm. just. so. tired. when will they grow up and realise that they have children of their own now. stop acting like one! i walked home tonight so upset and i was thinking how much i hate my mother. then i feel bad for hating her so i hate myself, which makes me want to hurt myself which only makes me feel bad because i dont want to hurt anyone else by doing that only myself, but i cant because i get locked away in the pysch ward and i cant handle that place for a third time. then i think how much stress she causes me and how i wish i was never born. then i think maybe shes right, i should live with my dad. but no because thats not any better, id kill myself there. then i think well maybe thats for the best, i would make her life so much easier. then i think how can i think like this and be so serious about all of it. i put so much honesty into those thoughts that i want to act on them, but its like a vicious circle that when i rely on one thing it only leads to this sick cycle. then i think well hell, this is just my life.
i hate being in the middle of my parents divorce. why cant they just move on? its been ten fucking years! |