| 2:19p |
i couldnt walk this morning. i cant breathe right now. its like these past two nights have devoured my existence. i cant talk without a mouthful of tears. the phone cries when i pull in away from my head after i talk to him. he says he wants to comfort me, but how can he do that. he doesnt understand, he doesnt even want to understand. i didnt answer two of his calls because i didnt want to talk to him. he doesnt get, why waist my time with a person who doesnt get it? i want to take my pills now all of them. i want to die right now. i've sliced up my leg, something to add to my 396 scars i already have.
why do i reject the good? |
| 10:19p |
it's not until you've lost everything that you can have it all.
you cave. you drag secrets through your skin. up through one incision to your paralyzed insanity, you fall. falling back into everything you've worked so hard to get out of. you lie back and enjoy the feelings you've missed for so long. it numbs from the outside in. moving through your entire body. there's nothing left around you. it's only you now. you are facing nothing. no threats. no judgments. no nightmares. no conscience. nothing. you are something, but yet you are nothing. you are... free?
you carve your feelings into your skin so you wont have to show them through words, so you wont have to show them to anyone but yourself. you are now trapped behind these scars. they dont disapear like those faded moments did. you didn't know they would go away. if you had known you wouldn't have caved. you turn to your blade every time you have a negative experience. eventually you turn to it in the most positive situations. its not healthy and you know its not. you just cant stop anymore. like a infecious disease it has travelled. your mind is sufficating in your mistakes. now you spend your days sleeping. you sleep to getaway from reality, all of the bad things in life. we lost our youth too soon and now we're crawling to get back to when everything was okay. in your dreams everything is okay again.
sometimes i wish that you would understand all of this, but i guess i'm glad you don't. i would never want anyone, anyone to ever go through what i've been through. it's hell, it truly is and there is no cure. you can't get better like the doctors tell you. no matter how many times you tell yourself and other people, it will never be true. you are what you are. sometimes i think i'm just dragging everyone down with me, that's why i push them away. |