!5 (SaVe us from the PaIn)'s Blurty
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Saturday, June 10th, 2006
| Time |
Event |
| 11:09a |
I look up
as a tear rolls slowly
down my cheek
I think about better days
and wonder if I'll feel that way again
you look at me
with those eyes I know so well
always serious, so deep and insightful
as though you're always in control
But not today
not now
Now you look so scared
like for once you don't have the answer
I gaze at you
looking deep into those hazel eyes
Hoping to understand
why you've said those things you did
I wonder for a moment
if this is all a dream
if I shall wake in the morning
and be relieved
you look at me
with a confusion I have never seen
slowly pull me towards you
and wipe the tears from my cheek.. | | 11:12a |
As we lay there quiet
I was reminded of all the reasons why I lust you
Your smile,
and the way it teased at me seductively
Your laugh,
and the way it tempted me
Your eyes,
and the way they seem to hypnotize me
As we sat there silent
I was reminded of all the reasons why I love you
Your smile,
and the way it brings such life into me
Your laugh,
and the way it makes everything okay
Your eyes,
and the way they seem to read my thoughts
As we stand here now
I am reminded of all the reasons why I hate you
Your smile,
and the way it confuses me
Your laugh,
and the way it seems to mock me
Your eyes,
and the way they can look into mine and not feel a thing | | 8:35p |
At the end of this I will come out a stronger person and I will no longer hate the world and those in it. It takes bravery and courage to become a stronger person. I now know this and I am finally at peace with myself. I do not need anyone but me. I don?t have to be dependent on others, yet sometimes everyone needs a hand. I know that because I am a stronger person and I am at peace with myself that I can see more clearly the things I may have taken for granted, such as family. All they tried to do was help, yet I pushed them away in disgust because of their pity for me. Because of this I have grown to hate those who try to help me. I do not need nor want anyone?s pity. It is a sign of weakness that I thought I could not and did not possess. Oh how wrong I was. After some time it became clear that it was in my best interest to get help. I truly did not agree with the idea of being institutionalized but I believed that it was the only way to get through to myself. I endured hours upon hours of self esteem and anger management courses to help subside the anger and pity I had put upon myself and others. It was not right of me to destroy a part of their life, their compassion for me. As I have said, I will come out of this a stronger person. I have no regrets in my experience except for the role I played in hurting many people who love me dearly. I know now that the world can be very black indeed, but it can also be filled with the simple pleasures of life such as love, compassion and friendship. When I was in my darkest stage I believed very strongly that I would never feel any of those things because the world hated me. I saw hatred in everyone?s eyes. Hatred that penetrated deep into your soul. Hatred that made you feel like a kind of scum that was scraped off of a dirty movie theatre floor. This hatred is what made me hard and cold. Hatred was the way of life for me. Without it I felt in a very strange way? incomplete. That is all over now? I am now able to cope with the hatred and evil things that I once believed were the only way of life. I am thankful that I made my way out before I could do anything that I would greatly regret. There were many times when I did in fact think of doing such a thing, but now that I look back at those times I am proud of myself for making the decision to live, not die. At the end I have become a stronger person and I no longer hate the world and those in it. | | 8:36p |
Please refrain from any type of sorrow,
If you feel like crying save the tears for tomorrow.
I made the decision to end my life for no particular reason
None at all, I just got tired of living.
That's all.
Life lost its flavor to me,
everything started looking so bland.
It felt so pointless living in a world smeared with bullshit
Everywhere I walked I'd be steppin' in it.
I feel that for myself death will be better than life,
suffocation better than breathe..
I'm just tired of being ethical in a completely unethical world.
I'm tired of being told to take the straight path
when I'm the most crooked person I know.
I no longer want to live in a world where I'm afraid to love who
I choose to love.
I'm no longer interested in a world where war of skin color is a bigger
battle then WWI and WWII put together.
I refuse to live in a world where trees are illegal and cigarettes
aren't--An herbal essence
versus
A pile of toxic shit.
I refuse to live in a world where the presidents oral recreation is a
bigger deal then the poverty laying less then 420 ft. from
the white house itself.
A world where millions & millions of dollars are shredded on a daily
basis-now tell me what kind of sense does that make?
A world where hate has become the basis for living,
a place where happiness no longer exist.
I can no longer live to die
I'd rather just not live at all
With death I'm looking for a sounder way of living
Be glad foe me because I am no longer suffering-
Be glad for me I have found complete peace by now.
Live on and live strong
Let bravery stand across your chest since it missed mine
Wipe your tears,
I'm dead,it's over. I have no fears. |
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