Sunday, May 7th, 2006

Time	Event
2:20p	blah well my head is still killing me majorly beyond recognition. it sux. i wanted to go out to the movies with casey 2day so i called him but he wasn't home. so i'm bored out of my mind. then casey called me bac and asked if i called and i said yeah and he said sry he was at the hospital and i said wut for and he said bcuz he broke his leg yesterday. wut a WAD lol. he "tried" to skate board but it didn't quite work well. i was talking to him for about a half hour but then he had to go cuz his dad wanted the fone. his parents are koolnizz. so then i went back to the computer and signed on. well then my mom came home and junk from work and we watched a life time movie. i can't remember the name of the movie but it was about a women who married and abusive husband and had a kid with him and he hit her and bruised her up reely bad and her and her 2 older daughters threw him out but she decided to give him another chance and he did the same thing but no matter wut she kept 4giving him and letting him bac into the home. well eventually he killed her in the middle of the night with a hammer and 3 months later police found the body in a river i think. it was reely good and it was based on a true story. i hate violen ppl. but i guess i'm used to violence but i'm glad my dad's not as bad as that guy was or i would kill myself gaurenteed. well anyways me and my mom were talking and she basically said that i'm fat and have to lose weight. and i said well you're not a twig either and she said yeah but i'm older and it made me fell horrible like i'm even more worthless than i already am. so l8er on i but a little cuz it felt so much better. i haven't eaten all day cuz i already wasn't reely eating but now i feel so guilty if i do and so horrible so i'm trying to avoid it as long as i can or at lease when i'm around my mom. lifes a bitch. well i told casey that i cut again cuz he told me that if i do it then he wants to know about it so that maybe he can help. he's reely sweet and the only guy i've ever dated that never said the words "if u keep doing it i'll break up with u" and so that's kool. he wants me to stop but he said that's something i have to do and no one can make me and he knew i was cutting when we first starte dating and b4 that when we were juss friends and he said it doesn't bother him and he's not gunna break up with me over that cuz that's a stupid reason and i love him. hes great. i'm so glad that someone finally understands a little. well my head's killing me so i'm gunna go lie down for a little while. i hope every ones' doing well. Current Mood: sick (Comment on this)
4:40p	im new 0. Do you cut? yes 1. Who do you hide SI from? everyone 2. Who knows about it? my mom found out a month ago, a few friends know 3. How long has it been since you last cut? a few hours 4. Have you ever tried to commit suicide before? yes 5. Where do you usually cut? wrist stomach legs 6. When you cut, who's usually the first to find out? noone but sometimes my bf 7. What's your worst experience with a fresh cut? washing heaps of dishes like 5mins after cutting. it stung so bad i was crying my eyes out for hours after. 8. Do you have a fascination with scabs? no 9. Do you like scars, yes or no? not really 10. Do you name your razor? no 11. What other methods of SI do you use? hitting pain killers. i also make myself throw up 12. Do you dislike the term "self mutilation"? i dont mind it 13. What various ways do you use to hide cuts? long sleeve shirt and pants 15. Ever been institutionalized/hospitalized for SI'ing? no 16. Do you ever run into problems with hiding cuts (i.e: gym change rooms)? yes 17. What's the best part about cutting to you? releves stress, takes away the pain. 18. Do you know of any songs that talk about SI? yes 19. Are your parents divorced? no 20. What instrument do you use to cut? scissors car keys pins 21. What causes you to cut? my dad 22. What do you feel afterwards? calm and sad 23. What is your closest Close Call? my mom walked in on me cutting but didnt relize casue i was under my blankets 24. How long have you been doing it? almost 2 years 25. Do you keep a razor in your bag? no 26. Ever needed stitches for a cut so deep? no 27. Do you have someone like a therapist you talk to regularly? im suspposed to i never go Current Mood: aggravated (Comment on this)
4:50p	help ive always cut with scissors and knifes and pins and stuff like that. how do i take apart razor blades? (4 Comments | Comment on this)
6:13p	bored. 0. Do you cut? yes 1. Who do you hide SI from? everyone, basically 2. Who knows about it? my boyfriend and one of my best friends 3. How long has it been since you last cut? 20 days 4. Have you ever tried to commit suicide before? no 5. Where do you usually cut? arm 6. When you cut, who's usually the first to find out? my boyfriend 7. What's your worst experience with a fresh cut? i dont know...i guess the guilt i feel afterwards, especially if i made a promise not to 8. Do you have a fascination with scabs? kind of 9. Do you like scars, yes or no? yes and no 10. Do you name your razor? no 11. What other methods of SI do you use? none 12. Do you dislike the term "self mutilation"? kind of 13. What various ways do you use to hide cuts? bracelets/wristbands when its warmer and long sleeves when its colder 15. Ever been institutionalized/hospitalized for SI'ing? no 16. Do you ever run into problems with hiding cuts (i.e: gym change rooms)? yes 17. What's the best part about cutting to you? it brings relief and lets me focus on the physical pain instead of the emotional pain 18. Do you know of any songs that talk about SI? yes 19. Are your parents divorced? not anymore, they got remarried 20. What instrument do you use to cut? x-acto(sp?) knife, kitchen knife, scissors, pins, glass 21. What causes you to cut? when i feel as though the emotional stress or pain im feeling is overwhelming and i need relief. also, my dad when he's an asshole. 22. What do you feel afterwards? calm, sad, guilty, helpless, like i dont have any self control 23. What is your closest Close Call? i was in the kitchen cutting and someone rang the doorbell and i jumped a mile thinking it was my parents or someone, but it was my best friend who knows about it. 24. How long have you been doing it? on and off for 3 years 25. Do you keep a razor in your bag? no 26. Ever needed stitches for a cut so deep? no 27. Do you have someone like a therapist you talk to regularly? no Current Mood: sick (Comment on this)
6:21p	the joys of life.. I suppose alot of people figure once you stop writing here that means your life is starting to go your way...I was hoping that since I had pretty much stopped writing here life was getting better....Wrong wrong wrong....I think its getting worse I just don't write as much because I just ended up feeling worse....Yeah Im weird. Ha. I've been cutting steadily....Just cut a couple minutes ago. Kind of bad. Am wearing some arm warmers to hide the white gause....Isn't working much cause their fishnet and the white is showing through horribly. I wish I had something else. Mums just always Grrish now. Yelling alot. Honestly I don't ever rememer crying this much and this often. Mum and dad got into it last weekend..Mum was insulting dad and Norma....Norma was swearing and insulting mum....Dad was swearing yelling and insulting mum. This all started cause mum got all pissy and said I wasn't allowed back into the house without my stuff (even though my stepmum said she drop my stuff off at my house first thing in the morning)...Dad was drunk but not Norma....but mum kept yelling that she KNEW Norma was just as drunk as dad...Oy. FInally Norma hung up on mum....I was off crying near the fence (how embarrassing considering we were at a friends house and at a party)...They finally gave my cell back to me....which now had a lovely message from mum yelling at me :| Saying I was weak for letting them have my phone and not to come hope at midnight without my stuff...or hell don't even come come at midnight! (I was going to a late movie with my friends) and blah blah blah. Ugh was a long message. Which made Dad pissed and he yelled at me to punch in mums phone number into his cell or else. *sigh* so I did and just went back into my friends house. I went home the next day...Wasn't too happy to be going home to mum considering she figured everything that happened the day before was my fault. I don't know. Maybe it was. Well dad called me that night....obviously still pissed and obviously getting or was drunk...Kept saying "put your mother on the phone NOW!" and mum kept saying hell no. Finally she took the phone....They yelled...and She hung up on him...He called back and all but screamed for me to go outside at that very moment so he could "talk to me" *sigh* I knew what was coming....He yelled...Screamed...Ranted....Pretty much foamed at the mouth at me like I was my mother....(hes always done that...whenever he couldn't do what he wanted to mum he did it to me instead...) and in true dad form he yelled very loudly "COME LIVE WITH ME" about a million times....We hung up shortly after...He always does that too...It seems whenever hes mad at mum he all but tells me to come live with him like hes getting back at mum...I told mum and she said the most lovely thing..."actually ...I want you out...You should say yes to your dad" Headache. Its bad enough she even said that....but she continued to say it...over and over....I think she said it like 15 times in one afternoon...Blah. Well a week later dad calls...At least it was dads number...It was one of their friends who barely speaks english...He kept saying he missed me and loved me and blah blah blah and if I was coming to dads house tonight....I kept saying Ask dad. Anyhow...dad got on the phone...I went outside and he asked how things were....Hell I told him the truth...Shitty. I told him why and he said I should go take a walk or something...(like that would help....the problems would still be there when I got back) anyhow...grr I started crying again...Screaming silently for him to come save me and take me away even if just for the night...and his next words were..."I asked you something last weekend... but I won't play games...." *silence* ( iwas crying harder knowing what he'd say next) "If you lived next door I'd come pick you up but you don't and I won't" (...I live about 15 minutes away by car...with his driving I'd say about 8) I couldn't even breathe....He asked if I was still there and I just blurted out " I gotta go" and hung up. I ran back inside and just cried on my bed. I was just chanting "I don't wanna be here anymore. I want to die" like it was a prayer and god or somebody would hear and save me...No such luck. Mums made it very obvious she wants me gone. Shes even talked to state people about taking me away and putting be back into group home shit....While I doubt they actually can....mum can still get me out....Thanks to my therapist mum knows she can call the cops and have them remove from the apartment..cause her names on the lease and mind isn't (even though I pay rent) She says I'm not a normal teenager shes sick of me and wants me out....I told her I'd live in a box before I went back to group homes....her only responce was "what will you do with your stuff then? Cause Im not paying for a storage room for it" *growls* I give UP! UP UP UP UP!!! Mum wants me out....Dads a drunk and wants me in (but has no room)....FUCK....I thought life was supposed to be easy at times not always harder than hell...All mum really ever does is remind me how crazy I am...*sigh* she even said in the car today "HA! You've got more scars than anyone. If thats not crazy..." Blah...xxxx Current Mood: crushed Current Music: Just stuck... (Comment on this)
8:48p	Would you rather be safe or interesting? (4 Comments | Comment on this)

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